My Debate Analysis: We Need Better Snack Foods During These Events

The 47% Solution

 

Talking To a Chair Is Now Considered an Art Form

Clint Eastwood's surprise speech at the Republican National Convention in which he addressed an "invisible Barack Obama" sitting in an empty chair has given a surprise boost to the Romney Campaign...

And seems to have secured the much coveted "crazy old white guy" vote for the GOP.

Citizens United Insures America Has the Finest Political Candidates That Money Can Buy

 
 

Valentine's Day Poetry

 

No time for blogging to day! I am busy creating a little something for for Valentine's Day. (I am using only the finest ingredients! Plent of sugar and spice and everything nice.) In the meantime you can read these swell Valentine's Day poems written by my good friend George:

Valentine's Day 2012
It's 2012. The Mayans say
The world will end this year.
If you don't have a Valentine yet,
It's your last chance, I fear.
Get up, get out there, start your search
To find your Valentine.
In 2012 just seek the one
To whom you'll say, "Be Mayan."

Valentine Preparation
I've showered, scrubbed, and washed myself.
My body I've perfumed.
I've filed my nails and brushed my teeth.
My hair is combed and groomed.

I've put all my best clothing on.
Each piece is pressed and cleaned.
For my Valentine I'll look my best:
I've prepped and primped and preened.

The time has come. My love is here,
There's no one I hold dearer.
And so, I see my Valentine –
As I look in the mirror.

© 2011 George Bereschik                                       

 

Warning! Really Stupid Valentine's Day Jokes

 

Warning! Really Stupid Valentine's Day Jokes:

Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I’m sweet on you!"

Q: Why do valentines have hearts on them?
A: Because spleens would look pretty gross!

Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: "Valentine, you mean a great dill to me!"

Q: What would you get if you crossed a dog with a Valentine's Day card?
A: A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
A: "I love you a whole watt!"

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
I'm stuck on you.

Who sends a thousand Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess Who'?
A divorce lawyer.

What did one snake say to the other snake?
Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

What happens when you fall in love with a pastry chef?
You get buttered up.

What would you get if you cross George Bush with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!

 

Nyan Newt and Beyond!

 

~ Click here to see Nyan Newt (with music) open in a new window ~

No stranger to the ravages of outer space, presidential hopeful Newt Gingritch has been posing some interesting campaign promises as of late...

Newt's promise to build a a permanent lunar colony to exploit the Moon's resources...

Has met with some scepticism, even within the ranks of his own party.

And despite the fact that Newt's motives to go to the moon are quite benevolent...

He is completely ignoring the dangers of the monstrous mechanical Metal-Munching Moon Mice.

 

Pink Singing Stupid Girls

 

No time for blogging today! Ms. Gregarious and I are busy meeting with the local Ladies Home Auxiliary. (Who, me? No, thank you! I'll be over here by the lime jello surprise, thank you.) I the meantime you can watch this swell video of Pink singing Stupid Girls.

 

I'm gonna Miss Rick Perry...

 


 

The Best Way to Review a Television Program, With Zaius Nation

 

Until recently, I have faithfully watched 30 Rock once a week for years.

Now Comedy Central plays two episodes of 30 Rock every weekday!

I love all of the characters on 30 Rock, especially Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming Jack Donaghy [ 2 ] and the star of The Girlie Show, Jenna Maroney [ 2, 3, 4 ].

One of the greatest things about Comedy Central playing reruns of one of my favorite TV shows is that I can now sing the theme song to 30 Rock to my kitty 10 times a week instead of only once!

While watching television, the most important part of watching any TV series is singing the theme music to your cat, of course. If your cat likes it when you sing the theme music from a TV show to him, then it must be a pretty good show. (This is the secret to finding good television programming!) The greatest things about singing to your cat are:

1. They actually like silly lyrics, as long as the lyrics are about them.
2. They don't care if you have a terrible singing voice.
3. Sometimes they even sing along!

So in keeping with my tradition of singing television theme music to my cat, I've been singing the theme music to 30 Rock to my cat, Captain Nemo:

Ne-Mo
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na)
Ne-MO!
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(brief staccato bass section)
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Ne-MO!

I only sing the horn section of the 30 Rock music to my cat. I don't sing the staccato string section nor the percussion section during the themes brief introduction because, as we all know, that would be silly.

Sadly, I think that I have seen every episode of 30 Rock at least twice, so I shall have to wait until the show returns to NBC prime time on Thursday, January 12.

In the meantime, Santa brought me the boxed set of all three seasons of Kung Fu!

No, wait... I'm sorry. I meant this boxed set...

So naturally I've been singing the sorrowful and slightly racist theme music to the awesome television show Kung Fu to my cat. The signature of the theme is as follows, which is repeated during the introduction as well as during the ending credits of the show:

Neee-MO-nemo
Nemo nemo-nemo-NE-mo-nemo
Ne-mo-nemo-neee-moo-nemo
nemo-nemo-Ne-ee-MOO!

and then comes the part where Master Kan says, "As quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand...", Which I find is a very appropriate time for a vigorous kitty back rub, followed by a methodical skritching behind the kitty's ears.

What television theme songs have you been singing to your cat?

Fear is the only darkness. All creatures are one with nature. Chi always lasts. Peace is prized above victory. What happens is already written. The wise always remain humble. All creatures have virtues. Leave no place for death to enter. Seek not to contend. Trust, but expect the unexpected.

Accept the ways of others. Is a man's Universe only himself? Not many things... One. Cowardice is wisdom of weakness. The soul only records growth. Undiscerning minds absorb poison. I worship life. Disregard how others see you. Let tears and joy come unplanned. Be nothing and become everything.

We only know good because of evil. Look beyond the letter of the law. Change and find the Truth. Look beyond the surface. Afford such arrogance? Nature is always impartial. Who can defeat himself? Peace lies in the Path. The Beginning of Wisdom Po's words of wisdom

 

John Boehner Dines On a Christmas Dinner of Humble Pie and a Side of Crow

 

John Boehner has shown renewed vigor and vitality as Speaker of the House recently...

Or then again, maybe not.

 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

 

Yuletide greetings, everyone!

I am catching up on some last minute Christmas correspondence...

But I am republishing a special Christmas recipe for you...

Handed down by the Great Lawgiver, who brought presents to all of the good apes and gave lobotomies to all of those pesky humans. Here is his divine simian recipe:

Milk Punch ala the Great Lawgiver
Fill the blender 3/4 full of ice
fill the blender 3/4 full of milk
2 capfulls of vanilla (1/2 teaspoon)
4 heaping tablespoons of sugar
Mix in 3 shots of brandy
Sprinkle Nutmeg on each serving.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

Cthulhu Christmas Carols

 

Cthulhu's song The Shoggoth Song Death To The World Mi-Go We Have Heard On High Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones Silent Night, Blasphemous Night Harley Got Devoured by the Undead Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town It's Beginning To Look a lot Like Fishmen

Oh Cthulhu Es Y'golonac Away In A Madhouse Elvis Presley - Blue Solstice Freddy the Red Brained Mi-Go Carol of the Old Ones Sing-Along I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth Have yourselves a scary little Solstice It's the Most Horrible Time of the Year

I'm listening to all of these swell Cthulhu Christmas carols! My personal favorites are "Carol of the Old Ones", "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones" and of course Elvis Presley singing, "Blue Solstice". Many of these songs are from the album: "A Very Scary Solstice" by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

 

The Real Meaning of Christmas

 

December's Awesome Facebook Pictures!
Zaius Nation: What do you call people who are afraid of Christmas? 'Claus-trophobic!'
The Pretenders - 2000 Miles (Remastered)
Major Matt Mason - a toy collection (Facebook)
Star Wars AT-AT Pancakes
How Germany Builds Twice as Many Cars as the U.S. While Paying Its Workers Twice as Much
Freakiest Ads of 2011 - Basement 'Rabbit' | Adweek
Video: Cat Hiccups and Farts at the Same Time
Video: William Shatner on the dangers of Thanksgiving dinner. BEWARE!
One Girl Starts an Awesome Flash Mob Mashup in the Mall
Top 6 Amazing Facebook Infographics
Google Memory Page
The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation
Processed Meats Declared Too Dangerous for Human Consumption
Video: Doctor Who Yo Mama Jokes - Awkward Spaceship
The Top Seven Santas with a Bladed Weapon
The 11 Best/Worst Vagina Tattoos Of All Time [NSFW]
George Takei Rallies Star Trek And Star Wars Fans To Unite Against Twilight
If you ever had any doubt the the media was controlled
Damn! Van Damme!
Planet of the Heavily Armed Apes
Tea Party Report
Susie Sit Downs - God's Word with Pastor Jim
Fox News Show Awarded 'Top Misinformer Of 2011'
What Liberals Fought For And Conservatives Fought Against
10 Reasons Not To Vote For Ron Paul
20 Reasons I won't Vote for Ron Paul

27 worst nativity sets: the annual, growing list!

 

A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer

 

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I have finally got most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this special Christmastime moment to share with you a Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly a most accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States.

 

Christine O'Donnell Still Doesn't Want You to Touch Your Penis!

 

Remember Christine O'Donnell, the "I'm not a witch" and "God doesn't want you to masturbate" Tea Party candidate who defeated U.S. Representative and former governor Michael Castle in Delaware's September 2010 Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, only to then lose the seat held by Republicans for 18 years to Democrat Chris Coons by a margin of 57% to 40%? [ 1 ] Me neither! (as my good friend Tengrain would say.)

Well it would seem that despite her creation of a PAC, Ms. O'Donnell has fallen out favor with the Tea Party as of late. Why are those wacky Republicans so gosh darned fickle these days?

'Not a witch' O'Donnell endorses Romney for Prez
Christine O'Donnell and the Fix Endorsement Hierarchy
O'Donnell's 'unreliable' Gingrich zing
Christine O'Donnell Touring Early 2012 States
Updated: Christine O'Donnell meets tea-party activists in West Des Moines
Christine O'Donnell Rejected by Iowa Tea Party Groups
15 Iowa tea party-related groups reject Christine O'Donnell's meetup invitation
**I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell
Christine O'Donnell invents a New Sugar Daddy [ 2 ]
Christine O'Donnell To Build Addition To Home [...]
ChristinePAC | Official Site

 

Vive la Différence!

 

A brief but delightful tale of redemption, peer pressure, and the importance of blind conformity - Charlton Comics' The Difference.