Republican Jesus on Selective Editing

An Angel Made Him Do It

Why would Elder Romney so proudly make all the crazy, campaign-destroying claims and decisions he is making? Being a righteous man, I'm guessing Mitt's doing it for the same reason the Prophet Joseph employed to convince Henry and Zina Jacobs to join him in a three-way marriage:

Tell Zina I have put it off and put it off until an angel with a drawn sword has stood before me and told me if I did not establish that principle [plurality of wives] and live it, I would lose my position and my life and the Church could progress no further.

Mitt had no choice but to recklessly bloviate about Libya and Israel/Palestine or to declare half of America to be filthy, wretched creatures who want noting more than to filch the table silver. If he hadn't done so, the Angel Moroni would have shanked him with his fiery sword.

Patriotogenius Proposes "Final Solution to the Muslim Problem"

View from the Right patriotogenius Matthew Bracken put all of his muscles into thinking about a "final solution to the Muslim problem", and decided that the nuclear annihilation of Mecca, and the sacred black stone housed within the Kaaba, is the answer:

In ancient Islamic history, the black moon rock was once stolen by a competing tribe, but after a brief time it was “found.” Islam carried on because nobody outside of a very small circle of imams even knew the rock was missing before it was replaced. But if Mecca was suddenly turned into a giant crater, there would be no way to conceal the fact from the world at large, including every Muslim. Today, observant Muslims believe that if every infidel nation fired every rocket and bomb at Mecca, Allah would turn them back or stop them in mid-flight. It is impossible for observant Muslims to believe that the Infidels could destroy the Kaaba, which is literally the physical manifestation on earth of their “greatest God.”

[...] 

And that would spell the end of Islam, after its unparalleled 1,400-year reign of terror.

No Mecca, no Islam, as long as the world witnesses Mecca’s physical annihilation. There will follow a period of madness, with many Muslims committing mass suicide and mass terror, but more of them will become atheists or convert to Christianity (“the stronger horse”). In all cases, Islam as we know it will be finished. After fourteen centuries, the steady mantra “Our God is greatest” cannot become “We used to believe that our God was the greatest, but it was proven to be weaker, if not a fraud.”

God willing.

I'm sure Brother Bracken will do very well as a key adviser in the Romney administration.

Morning Joe's Mika Exposes Obama

Femosatanunistofascists are very angry at Mika Brzezinski, Joe Scarborough's sidekick on MSNBC's Morning Joe. They say that by posing for this photo in Vanity Fair , she dishonored the struggle of not-man journalists to be taken seriously.



Not surprisingly, her detractors are wrong. Brzezinski did not sell out her not-man journalist sisters by celebrating capitalism the old fashioned way. She did something that should anger them even more; she used the lost art of leg semaphore to do something the rest of the media refuses to do: expose the OBAMUNIST USURPER for the Kenyanislamunist he is.

Don't believe me? Well, lets superimpose and Islamic crescent and a communist hammer and sickle onto the Brzezinski photo. Notice how the tips of the crescent perfectly line up with her shoes and the how star is centered erotically on her seductive knee area?

Do you also see how the angle of the communist hammer perfectly matches the angle of her left (communist leg)? Obviously, Brzezinski is trying to tell us that Obama is an Islamocommunist.



Now take a look at what happens when Brzezinski's pose is placed over Obama's birth certificate.



Notice how the heel of her left (communist) shoe points at the word "Barack" in a manner reminiscent of Émile Zola pointing his pen at French President Félix Faure and screaming--please pardon my French--"J'accuse!" Now take a look her right shoe (the shoe of truth). It's pointing at the word "Kenya," proving, incontrovertibly, that Obama is Muslimanian.

Finally, lets take the image and superimpose it on a world map, placing her buttocks (and the butt of the communist hammer) on Cuba, and see what we find.




If we draw lines emanating from the ends of the crescent, we find that they outline the Middle East. If we do the same for the direction of her gaze, we see she is looking in the direction of the Muslim holy city of Mecca.

Could she be any clearer about Obama than that?

Mitt Would Kick Obamunist Butt in a Spartan-Style Wrestling Match

Yahoo! News and Esquire hired pollster Gary Langer to do a survey and came up with this:



That's the libsatanunistofascist media for you. They obviously phrased the question in a way that forced people to pick the OBAMUNIST USURPER.

Everyone knows we Mormons don't fight with our fists. We wrestle. Heck, the modern founder of our religion, the Prophet Joseph Smith, loved the sport. He was always asking guys to wrestle with him:

Joseph’s love of sport probably made it hard for him to ever pass up a good one-on-one free-style [wrestling] match...Brassfield was “the champion wrestler of the country,” McGee reported, yet the Mormon leader won the bout handily, throwing Brassfield “the first two falls out of a match of three” (“Special Correspondence” 23). A Latter-day Saint by the name of Wandle Mace indicated he was about as strong a man as the Prophet, and remembered Joseph would constantly hound him... Joseph would shake his hands and “pull me to him for a wrestle,” but he declined the Prophet..

On occasion, the Prophet even challenged much smaller individuals we might consider to be the more non-athletic type to wrestle with him. Unfortunately one such contest ended with Joseph’s breaking Howard Coray’s leg.

The only thing the Prophet Joseph loved more than wrestling was pulling men's sticks:

The Prophet Joseph was perhaps even more skilled in stick pulling than he was at wrestling...Perhaps one reason the Prophet frequently enjoyed pulling sticks was that the activity could be done indoors or out, was not prolonged, and the participants could be wearing nicer clothes as they would not necessarily get dirty...Benjamin F. Johnson remembered that in all the many occasions he saw the Prophet compete in stick pulling he never saw him beaten...

I have no doubt that Mitt Romney could whip the OBAMUNIST USURPER by either wrestling him or pulling his stick. Heck, if you combined the two by wrestling in the manner of our ancient Spartan forbears--that is naked and oiled--Elder Mitt would cream him.

Think about it. "Naked" to Mormons means stripped down to our sacred underwear. The most pious of us never take them off. We do the wang dang doodle wearing them; we keep them looped on one foot while bathing and showering, and when we change our underwear we don't remove the dirtied pair from one leg until the other is covered with the clean pair.

Imagine how hard it'd be to get a firm grip on Elder mitt's body while he was wearing such a loose-fitting garment all slicked up with oil. The Antichrist would be constantly turning greasy cotton rather than flesh, and even if he tried to grab Mitt's stick, the underwear's sacred opening would probably be turned sideways, lying over Brother Romney's thigh or buttocks.

Of course Elder Mitt would also be hampered by the constantly shifting position of the sacred hole, but there are other openings--the leg hole for example-- through which he could slip his Great and Rigid Staff of Righteous Domination and drive it deep into the Obamunist Usurper's cave of shame.

No doubt about it. Elder Mitt would be covered in the santorum of victory in any spartan-style wrestling match against Obama.

Special Guest Blogger: Mitt Romney

Today, I have a very special guest blogger, Mitt Romney. Please treat him with respect. He's going to be Our Leader.
--Gen. Christian

Thank you, General, for allowing me to take over your blogging enterprise. I don't see many assets here, but we might be able to to increase profits by replacing you and your commenters with a couple of Bangladeshi kids--they'll do anything for a few grains of rice.

We'll talk about that later, I have other corpses to baptise right now. That's a metaphor. My advisers tell me I should use them, so I do, a lot, like when I say Obama's policies closed that plant in Wisconsin back when Bush was president. That was a metaphor. Same goes for when I pretended I was poor in college. It was a metaphor. Don't ask me to explain. Just like it, because it's a metaphor and I could take your business, sell all the assets, and replace all the workers with Bangladeshi kids. I'm going to do that anyway, but like I said, we'll talk about it later.

You may have noticed how I boldly got ahead of the president on the Libyan situation, this morning. It was a gutsy gambit, but I saw it as a great opportunity to create my own reality, a reality in which people might actually vote for me. The Bangladeshi kid who writes my metaphors says I was successful. He called my speech a "large, two-beetle-worthy ball of elephant dung." I love that. I'll have to use it before Ryan claims he wrote it while on safari.

I thought it was important to act quickly. That will be one of the defining features of my foreign policy. I'll quickly respond to developing situations to avoid the possibility that emerging facts might temper my response. It's like I said, "the first response should be outrage" That's what American foreign policy will look like in a Romney administration--think of it as "W-heavy," all the anger and viciousness of the Bush years, but more rash and much less adulterated by contemplation.

That's all the time I have. Ann's cooking away at the stove (hey, another metaphor) making good old-fashioned American comfort food: broiled Scottish hare with Muskovy foie gras and truffles.

They's Miscegenated, Protestantizeded, Fat Newport Smokers

At the Catholic traditionalist blog, The Thinking Housewife, Buck mourns the upcoming obliteratation of "white European people" by "modern liberalism:"

Miscegenation is clearly a threat to the existence of white Europeans and Americans... Modern liberalism, unconstrained demographics; the surging waves of growing non-white populations will eventually obliterate white European people who have no other place to be.

Chris agrees, noting how Indians and Black people have ruined his family:

The black man who my aunt married mistreated her terribly ( including physical violence) and has been a terrible father to both my cousins and his subsequent 8 plus children by another woman. After divorcing my cousin’s father, my aunt took up with a series of unsuitable black men, and got into hardcore drug use. My aunt and her siblings grew up poor and without their father in the home. The Indian relatives were openly hostile to my grandmother and resented my grandfather marrying a white woman. To this day there is still much bitterness, pain and dysfunction in the family over these ( and other) interracial relationships.

Chris goes on to note how protestantism ruins stupid people like his aunt:

My aunt is frankly not very bright, and she needs guidance from society to function. (The chief problem with Protestantism is its disastrous effect on the stupid.) One of my aunt’s children is dead from drugs; one other cousin from drink and several have been to jail for various drug related charges. I cannot say miscegenation is an unqualified evil, else I would not exist, but I would say my family experience cautions against it.

And warns others to stay away from black people because they tend to be "dangerous, stupid, and feckless:"

Are all black men dangerous, stupid, and feckless? Of course not. But if stupidity, fecklessness, and danger exist at greater rates in the black community, shouldn’t prudent parents steer their children away from relationships with greater potential for disaster?

So keep your white women away from them:

There are many young white women who would either be alive or in much better circumstances today if they had avoided relationships with unsuitable minority men. To caution your children about who they marry and to acknowledge the differences between the races can make married life more difficult is not racism. It is merely common sense.

Elsewhere at The Thinking Housewife, Karen is shocked that Regis's old partner, Kelly Ripa hugs black men (see photo above):

Ripa, a married mother of three, apparently has no qualms about publicly embracing her new co-host.

Terry Morris has a theory about why Ripa would embrace a black man--she's been brainwashed by schoolteachers:

White girls, being more emotionally driven and sympathetic than boys, and being taught in the public schools and by the surrounding culture that blacks have always been oppressed in America and are entitled to reparations, tend to believe that, therefore, they owe themselves emotionally and often physically to black men as a sort of atonement for white America’s sins against blacks. This is why we see beautiful white women like the subject of this entry symbolically giving themselves to ugly black men. And, of course, many go further than symbolically doing so, giving themselves entirely to black men.

Laura, The Thinking Housewife, herself, agrees:

I do think many white women feel they owe themselves to black men and that this explains the overwhelmingly excessive affection Mrs. Ripa shows here. This, and the rise of interracial pairing, is the logical end of the wilful obliteration of common sense about race.

Eric, "who is a police officer," places the blame on ugly fat girls:

But it started years ago, with the camel’s nose under the tent. The camel’s nose is that blacks ended up with white women that were the too fat, too ugly, or otherwise unsuitable for a decent white man. Unfortunately, decent white men did not get as worried about it as they might have if the blacks were involved with pretty women.

And on predatory white women who pray on simple, but affluent, black dudes:

Next came white girls taking up with big-money blacks, such as sports stars and other entertainers, for purely mercenary reasons...Some white gals also seem to enjoy the fact that a half-way smart white woman is in a position to manipulate most black men, due to the innate differences in intelligence that certainly do exist.

Or they get hooked on Newport cigarettes, a gateway drug for inter-racial wang dang doodle:

I assure you that if you see a white girl with a pack of Newport cigarettes, that there is a 99% chance she has sex with ghetto blacks.

It's good to see so many folks passing on those traditional 14th century Catholic values.