Jesus' Mom Hangs Out in Pornographic Tree

Some see this as a miracle. I see it as a vile attempt by enviroislamunistofascist Druids to soil Our Lady's reputation by imprisoning her in a tree's naughty parts.

"Retroactive" is More than A Sarah Palin Declaration About X-Rays

Where the Sidewalk Gets Very Weird

Many of you know Shel Silverstein as as the author of such classic masterpieces of children's verse as "Where the Sidewalk Ends" and "A Light in the Attic." But did you know he was also a prolific song writer who wrote hits for such greats as Johnny Cash ("A Boy Named Sue") and Sakatchestanian balladeer Gordon Lightfoot ("On Susan's Floor").

Dr Hook and the Medicine Show performed many of his songs with songs like "Sylvia's Mother" "Cover of the Rolling Stone," and "Queen of the Silver Dollar" becoming huge hits. But, I enjoy some of the lesser known songs he wrote for Dr. Hook. I really don't understand what they mean, but Cletis tells me they remind him of Sheila, our militia morale sheep, and our simple life at the compound.

Songs like these:

Penicillin Penny


Freakin' at the Freaker's Ball


Get My Rocks Off


Don't Give A Dose To The One You Love Most


Acapulco Goldy

Lost History, Lost Values: How Remembering Armed Birds and Dancing Horses Will Save America

A lot of the dislike for Elder Romney and our patriots in Congress is based on an ignorance of our history. People just don't know things like how the Constitution's General Welfare Clause was written to ensure the welfare of generals and not to improve the overall condition of the people.

I aim to change that by digging up our forgotten history and sharing it with you. I hope you'll pass this knowledge along via your chain email networks and help me bring the rest of America back up to speed.

Today, we'll begin with a little early American history.

Letter from a soldier writing from Valley Forge:

We were cold, hungry, exhausted and dispirited, but when Gen. Washington declared, "Your travails are nothing when compared to those who are denied the right to abuse their dogs by tying them atop wagons," we rose to our frostbitten feet as a unit and cheered.

From Samual Adams's journal:

We unanimously adopted Ben Franklin's motion to protest the Stamp Act by hiding our money in the Caymans.

From the transript of the congressional debate over passage of the Second Amendment:

Rep. Baldwin: The phrase, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State...," obviously applies to defense against scary, dark, hoody-wearers of Moorish complexion. There is no need to make this measure even more convoluted and confounding than it already is by adding a concept that is already implicitly expressed. It would be nothing less than...there is no English word that expresses such a ignorant exercise in redundancy, so I shall coin one here and call it communist--It would be nothing less than communist to do so.

Letter found on the body of Jebediah Sprinfield who died at the Battle of Yorktown:

..and should I fall, do not mourn my passing for I shall have given my life for our children's god-given right to receive tax deductions for their dancing horses.

From a transcript of the congressional debate over passage of the Fourth Amendment:

Rep. Mason: We need not list every exception to due process. It derives from common sense that the summary execution of the swarthy by use of musket-equipped game fowl does not require a judicial process. That fact does not change, even in the unlikely event that such armed game fowl may eventually be replaced by intelligent flying automatons armed with exploding wangdobbers."

Letter from James Madison to his wife, Dolly:

I agree with you, my dearest Dolly. You have my authority to manage the slaves as you wish, but as for my womb, I shall manage it from here until I return. A womb is much too valuable a treasure to be entrusted to a woman's care. It's one of the reasons so many gave their lives to achieve our nation's independence.

From the transcript of the congressional debate over passage of the First Amendment:

Rep. Clymer: "By 'there shall not be a an establishment of religion' we mean an establishment by the Jews, Mohammedans, papists, or any future religion founded by anyone who claims Indians are Jews and Jesus gave him Golden Plates. Do we all agree on that? [consent given by all present] OK then, let's move on to the discussion about how calling someone a bigot violates their free practice of religion.

From the journal Revolutionary War seaman John Pendrake:

We may die breaking this blockade of Boston Harbor, but it is worth the risk if it frees us from the King's tyranny, ends the Negroes' demands for free stuff, and prevents men from putting their wangdobblers into an innocent, god-fearing sailor's whoopie hole.

Defending Your Home Against Friendly Lesbianesian Mommies

Jennifer has a problem:

My new neighbors are lesbians with a small child. They are determined to have her “socialize” to build her “social skills” and my children are children they would like her to socialize with. That is not a suprise. My children are older, very well behaved and honor students. They are also kind, reflecting our Catholic values. We live in an apartment complex and several times now, the lesbian or her partner have come over and brought the little one with them. They clearly expect my children to play with the child, which they have so far done, politely. However, I don’t approve of their lifestyle, and I find the more “butch” member of the couple to be almost intimidating. She is aggressive, mannish and heavily tattooed with a nearly shaved head.

Fortunately, Jennifer sought help from the lesbianesian removal experts at The Thinking Housewife. Here's Thinking Head of Household Lawrence Auster's advice:

[The tattoos] simplify the issue, removing any grey area or ambivalence. I would never allow a heavily tattooed (or lightly tattooed) person to enter my house on a social visit, period. Why is Jennifer allowing this freak in her house?

If I were in her position, this is what I would say: “I find your tattooes repulsive and disgusting. It makes me feel sick to look at them. You chose to disfigure your body, so that every time other people saw you, they would be forced to look at the frightening sight of your disfigured body. So not only are you repulsive to look at, but, since you did this through your own choice, you obviously haven’t the slightest consideration for other people. Why then should other people have any consideration for you? You are not welcome in my home, and I do not want my children to play with yours.”

When Mitt's Prophet Speaks, The Debate Is Over

We all love America, at least we love our idea of what we believe it should be: a great Christian citadel where our betters wield the great sledgehammer of capitalism and Jehovah's mighty chisel to free us from the twin shackles of unproductive idle time and independent thought.

But over the last 30 years, as our leaders' arms have grown stronger with every swing of that Randian hammer, the chisel--the Church's willingness to demand obedience--has lost its bite. It now lies rusty and brittle from lack of use.

Look no further than the current occupant of the White House to see the truth in what I'm saying. The OBAMUNIST USURPER openly criticized the words of his pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, without fear of shunning, excommunication, or even the mildest rebuke. That's how these hippie sects, like Wright's United Church of Christ, operate. They allow their congregants to question everything. They glorify the free exchange of ideas as the mutant gene that fuels intellectual evolution in their godless Darwinistic machine.

Mitt Romney's sect, my sect, Mormonism, takes the opposite position. They believe in order and authority. Questioning is never allowed. Opposition is crushed. Godly, authoritarian rule is a defining feature of their church. As our living, modern day prophets, seers, and revelators tell us, "When the prophet speaks, the debate is over."

A recent zoning debate in Provo, Utah illustrates the power the Church holds over its members. Neighbors opposed the building of a high-rise "Missionary Training Center" in their neighborhood. It would obscure their view, change the character of their residential neighborhood, and lessen the value of their property. They organized, yes organized like common communists, to fight the building and were doing well.

Then, the Church dropped the hammer:

But Sunday’s "invitation" to "sustain the Brethren" was anything but secular. According to Evans, Chris Randall, president of the Sharon East Stake, announced from the pulpit that he was sharing a message from L. Whitney Clayton, of the Seventy, and Elder Russell M. Nelson, of the Twelve: They consider the MTC rebuild an ecclesiastical matter, a decision that was the result of careful and prayerful discussion.

When the prophet speaks, the debate is over.

"On Monday June 25, 2012, I received an invitation from a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ecclesiastical leader relayed from a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the second-highest governing body of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints," Evans wrote in an email to McGinn. "The invitation was to support the decision of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles to build a nine story building at the Provo Missionary Training Center. I accept the invitation."

Evans isn’t alone in his about-face. He said that before the invitation was extended, more than 80 percent of the Pleasant View group wanted to hold discussions with the church, which told them to take it up with MTC administrative director Richard Heaton. After the July 1 church meeting, however, an overwhelming majority decided to drop their opposition.

Now that's the kind of leadership we need. I have no doubt where Brother Romney will stand on such issues as gay marriage, contraception, abortion, and slaughtering the hell out of those who frighten us (blood atonement.)

A tip of the ol' helmet to a big, shiny robot.

Utah Salutes Women of Color

Utah Valley Magazine

Helmet tip: Alex Goldschmidt.