Which part of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies did you like best? Was it the plutocrats murdering the workers in the Industrial Revolution, or the pagans calling forth their gods with sacrificial virgins and maypoles? Was it the reference to the Industrialization of War? Was it the stunning black British girl texting, or the dorky boy in the bowler trying to smush on her about as convincingly as Michael Jackson stalking the lady through the alley in The Way You Make Me Feel? It is too bad that those British youngsters couldn’t understand why Special Relationship is Special, due to their sad lack of Anglo-Saxon heritage. Oh well, better luck next time, non-white people!
Well we can tell you which part you should not have liked best, and that is all of it, because it was a disgrace! READ MORE »
When we were in high school we had a friend who claimed his family was really tight with Morgan Freeman’s, and he’d tell us all kinds of hilarious stories about the good times he’d had, just hanging out with Morgan Freeman and having all kinds of deep talks wherein Morgan would generously give him sage advice on how to handle the various challenges in his life. Except THEN it turned out that he had been lying the whole time and he was super embarrassed. See, this is why our friend from high school is a better person than Mitt Romney, who tells similarly ridiculous lies all the time and then doesn’t even pretend to be embarrassed. Like how he’s been running around saying that he was really good friends with Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyatu. But then Vanity Fair ASKED Binyamin Netanyahu about his good friend Mittens, and Bibi was all like “who? Oh THAT guy.”
The New York Times has the latest iteration of the beloved media story “What John McCain Is Like Now,” and here’s where it situates the old coot who pretends to be from Arizona along the spectrum: Definitely not the “far-right” monster who ran for Senate reelection in 2010, but also not the liberal fluffer who regularly dined with Maureen Dowd and Arianna Huffington at Hollywood Hills dinner parties back in the day. He does whatever Mitch McConnell wants him to do now and is happy. “It took me three years of feeling sorry for myself,” he says, to a crowd of assembled reporters, because he still won’t talk to the New York Times directly after three years. READ MORE »
Yesterday, we learned a lot of fun facts about the one trillion dollar student loan bubble! Like the fact that student loans (unlike any other unsecured line of credit) cannot be discharged in bankruptcy, so the debt will never, ever go away, not even if you die, and that banks will even garnish your social security checks to get their money. (Although the joke’s on THEM since we won’t even HAVE Social Security soon so ha!) Even though the student loan bubble is actually slowing down the housing market and the rest of the economy along with it, the Wall Street Journal thinks that best course of action is to do absolutely nothing. See, that would be socialism! You wouldn’t want there to be socialism, would you? Of course not. Also, these kids should be out creating JOBS, not trying to seek relief from the oppressive terms and conditions of their student loan obligations! If only “Uncle Sugar” wouldn’t be so focused on redistributing wealth, yadda yadda not hurting small businesses blah blah. Actually we can’t figure that part out but the argument seems to be that helping debt burdened borrowers will hurt small businesses or something. We think?
Poor Jennifer Rubin, the unofficial public voice of the Romney campaign who continues to have a job at the Washington Post. Why doesn’t your Wonkette make fun of her more often? Maybe it’s too easy, but it’s not like that consideration has ever stopped us. Jen Rubin is sad today. Just a few days ago she was crowing, “The Obama campaign can’t bear the thought that the well-traveled Mitt Romney will make a nice impression on his overseas tour” — that the foreigns would instantly fall in love with Romney, a born diplomat. Unfortunately, within his first day or two of his arrival in our Special Friend country of England, Romney managed to insult the nation badly enough to earn a public rebuke from the conservative Prime Minister,the Mayor of London, and every newspaper and television station in the United Kingdom. What’s a Rubin to say now? How about… the Olympics opening ceremony is dumb, anyway, sorta like David Cameron is dumb. READ MORE »
So this is a thing that idiot bloggers love to write about, how Barack Obama insulted the Queen by hurling the bust of Winston Churchill right at her vagina, instead of keeping it forever, for ‘bating on. And Mitt Romney, who takes all his cues from Ghost Andrew Breitbart these days, tried to make it a thing too, yesterday, after Day One of his National Lampoon European Vacation. “Blah blah blah,” he said, flop-sweatily, “You live here, you see the sites day in and day out, but for me as I drive past the sculpture of Winston Churchill and see that great sculpture next to Westminster Abbey and Parliament and with him larger than life, enormous heft of that sculpture suggesting the scale of the the grandeur and the greatness of the man, it tugs at the heart strings to remember the kind of example that was led by Winston Churchill.” And he will return that bust to where it belongs! America! Except what? The bust of Winston Churchill is still in the White House, just like always? Because the entire thing is made up, again? How weird. READ MORE »
Do you trust a former Republican muck-a-muck who’s now in a hot legal lava pool and scorned by fellow members of his party when he starts trashing his ex-colleagues? Sure, we do! Here’s delightful former party chairman Jim Greer, in a deposition recorded in late May: “I was upset because the political consultants and staff were talking about voter suppression and keeping blacks from voting.” Ha ha, sure, that must have really upset him, before he was kicked out and indicted on corruption charges. Nevertheless, he denounces the “whack-a-do, right-wing crazies” who have taken complete control of his political party, so let’s offer him the platform for a full explanation. READ MORE »
Noted “furry” enthusiast Bristol Palin has signed on to Dancing With The Stars again, because her five million other reality shows keep getting canceled. READ MORE »
Drat, the bell! Did no one think of securing the bells? Hells bells, drat drat drat bollocks, splat. Here is Tiddlywinks McNinnypants, the UK’s “Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport,” trying to ring a bell, like all British people are required to do during their lunch breaks, and whoops, there goes the bell, breaking apart, flying into a lady, who is now dead. No, she is fine. She has flown off with her umbrella to defeat the Dragons of the North. Where is a glib American management consultant to bring some bloody order to this pippy helltown? READ MORE »
Fox & Friends cohost and squinty-eyed walking artist’s composite of every date-rape wanted poster ever, Brian Kilmeade, is not very pleased with the tabloids across the pond, and how they have torn the flesh from Mittens Romney’s bones, one by one, even the conservative and Tory ones! They’d better back off, Kilmeade warns, this guy could be president! Yes, we know what respect and deference Fox & Friends pays to the office of the presidency. READ MORE »
Now that poor Mitt Romney has been called out for his “rude and graceless” remarks by none other than Carl Lewis — perhaps the greatest Olympian, who said of him in disgust, “some Americans just shouldn’t leave the country” — maybe his very bad news cycle is almost over. Has he said anything else awful? Well, this, which was a wee bit blorgh:
Asked whether he felt “partly English” [...], a chuckling Mr Romney replied: “Well, I’m married to a girl from Wales, and I’m a guy from Great Britain. So I feel like this is home too, I guess.”
But he hasn’t hocked a loogie on the Queen or taken a poo in the bidet, to our knowledge, so he’s ahead of the game, for him. But is there someone else, another American, who maybe is in London now not being “graceless and rude,” and embarrassing all of US America? Oh, hai Michelle Obama! Thank you for going to Englande for us! READ MORE »
Mitt Romney, what caused the recession? Was it the banks? It was the banks, right? OF COURSE NOT, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE. No, it is losers who aren’t rich, attacking rich people with their class warfare for wondering why rich people pay taxes at half the rate everyone else does! You don’t even have to watch the video to hear the curl of his lip as he instructs you and your fellow plebeians. But you should watch the video, because it is funny. “When you attack success you have less of it,” he lectures, “and that’s what we’ve seen in our economy over the last few years.” READ MORE »
Oh LOOK who’s had a change of heart. Citibank ex-CEO Sandy Weill, architect of too big to fail and self-described shatterer of Glass Steagall, that’s who. Apparently — and it took him 40 years to realize this — it’s not a great idea to have unregulated behemoth financial institutions offering retail banking as well as investment banking because it puts the entire world’s economy at risk is bad for shareholders.
It is very confusing to keep up with conservative economic talking points philosophy, because one minute they’re all “deficits don’t matter!” and then a couple years later they turn around and decide that deficits will ruin the U.S. economy, unless the deficit came from tax cuts for the wealthyjob creators, in which case they actually don’t matter anymore and might even be GOOD for the economy maybe! And even though conservatives used to yammer on about competition and the free market, Daniel Henninger at the Wall Street Journal has broken it to us that competition is bad too! But only if it’s between the “public economy” and the “private economy,” which we are pretty sure is a completely made up distinction that means absolutely nothing. Anyway, the history of the “public economy” has something to do with Medicare, JFK, and the Voting Rights Act, and if Barack Obama wins in 2012 then the public economy will win and THEN the U.S. will no longer be the Greatest Country on Earth.
The New York Times has the latest iteration of the beloved media story “What John McCain Is Like Now,” and here’s 
Poor Jennifer Rubin, the unofficial public voice of the Romney campaign who continues to have a job at the Washington Post. Why doesn’t your Wonkette make fun of her more often? Maybe it’s too easy, but it’s not like that consideration has ever stopped us. Jen Rubin is sad today. Just 
Do you trust a former Republican muck-a-muck who’s now in a 
