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Apartment 3-G, 7/16/12
This … but … I … what? We have been cheated of our dramatic and hilarious birthing scene! I mean, I didn’t expect to see the baby crowning or anything, but I was hoping at least for some “Push! Here it comes!” action or whatever. It all happened so quickly that it appears Tommie didn’t even need to unfold that towel sitting on the radiators. Is that a bar of blue soap sitting on the table? Did Tommie at least wash that baby off before sticking her into what I’m sure is Nina’s very expensive towel, or is it all covered with birth-goo? Damn it, I need closure on a lot of things!
Mary Worth, 7/16/12
Mary Worth, on the other hand, I fully trust to give us every single detail of the slow but hilarious sinking of Dawn and Wilbur’s dream cruise. Will the baffled passengers come up with improbable explanations for their plight? Will they all touch their faces in terror? Yes and yes! Let’s hope it goes on for weeks and never ends!
Spider-Man, 7/16/12
Every once in a while Newspaper Spider-Man remembers that it’s in a real live New York City and tries to give us a little bit of genuine local flavor. These guys in panel two, for instance, are no doubt supposed to be deeply ironic hipsters from Williamsburg, who are dressing like 1980s punks and and talking like 1950s beatniks as part of some kind of inscrutable guerrilla performance art project. They are also implying that Spider-Man is good at superheroism, because they are extremely sarcastic.
Six Chix, 7/16/12
“I’m talking about my eyes here. I’m pretty sure I’m going blind!”
Beetle Bailey, 7/15/12
To westerners, the most distinctive aspect of Hindu deities is the fact that they’re usually depicted as having many arms. This is meant to be understood allegorically — we use our hands to wield tools and otherwise impose our wills on the outside world, and the gods and goddesses, being more powerful than us, have more capabilities to impose that power. These deities are also often depicted holding holding in their many hands objects or icons that represent their various attributes, which is remarkably similar to the artistic tack that General Halftrack has taken here. On the other hand, most Hindu devotional art manages to depict a humanoid figure with many arms without making their torso freakishly extended like the General’s statue’s, and the idea of having the soldier depict happiness by holding a terrifying disembodied grin is an innovation in this particular sculpture.
This is also a strip where the noble if eccentrically executed sentiments of the main gag are undermined by the throwaway panels. Behold the virtuous American soldierly ideal, contrasted with actual soldiers, who respond sullenly to orders because they’d rather sit on the couch watching pretty ladies on TV. Why does Beetle Bailey hate America, is what I’m saying.
Hagar the Horrible, 7/15/12
Meanwhile, I’m having a hard time parsing how I feel about the politics of this Hagar the Horrible strip. I mean, yes, Hagar is guilty of monstrous crimes against humanity, leading murderous armed bands in multiple expeditions of violent plunder that don’t even have the flimsiest of ideological justifications, so he really should be hauled before whatever the late Carolingian equivalent of the Hague is. On the other hand, the depiction of the dungeon is particularly grim, even for a strip that routinely uses torture as a punchline — hey, see those tongs stuck into the big cauldrons of red-hot coals? GUESS WHAT THOSE ARE FOR — and of course one shouldn’t imprison lawyers for the crimes of their clients, or else the whole adversarial legal system is pointless. “Life in the 9th century is brutal” is I guess the overall theme here.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/15/12
You know, all this time everyone’s been raving over poor dead alcoholic Foster’s book, but I’m beginning to think it may not actually be very good. Specifically, any book that contains enough blunt anatomical detail for a six-year-old to follow easily but also uses the cliched euphemism “roll in the hay” seems like it would be kind of muddled. Unless Sarah means that it’s taught her the difference between boys and girls … emotionally? Based on what we know about Foster’s marriages, this information is bound to be dubious, though it may help Sarah navigate her own domestic situation. “Mommy, now I know why you’re always trying to sit closer to Daddy on the couch but he keeps moving away and then he goes into his office and you drink wine and cry!”
Spider-Man, 7/14/12
Peter Parker is constantly consumed by jealousy of his wife’s success and delights in any opportunity he has to restrict her autonomy, so an actual legitimate threat against her that requires her to lay low must be a source of true joy for him. Still, you’d think that a true superhero would also be worrying about, you know, other potential victims who Clown 9 might have a grudge against, like every single other person working on the play with Mary Jane. But whatever, let’s just watch TV at home with MJ and let those other losers take their chances!
Pluggers, 7/14/12
It’s funny because pluggers aren’t qualified for any job important enough to require a background check! Also, they are covered with ticks. Rule of thumb: if your Pluggers strip reminds the reader too forcefully that its main characters are hirsute, vermin-ridden beast-men, it has gone off the rails a bit.
Good evening, everybody! Just wanted to start off by saying an enormous THANK YOU to everyone wh has pre-ordered my book through my Kickstarter. I’ve already met my original goal and my stretch goal (which means that the book will have illustrations) and I’m cooking up some new stuff (including new, comics-themed rewards!) for next week. I’ll give you a break from the sales pitches this weekend, but rest assured that the banners will return Monday!
And now, your comment of the week!
“J. Jonah Jameson looks like Hitler as envisioned by mid-90s Duracell ad executives.” –sporknpork
And the runners up, very funny!
“I bet ‘We trust you, Tommie. Don’t we, honey?’ is always met with a loud groan, even when she’s just asked to order a pizza or pick up doughnuts.” –Ed Dravecky
RMMD: “You know the story arc is almost over, because everyone is smiling. ‘My father died in a drunken scuffle with his wife that I hate. I haven’t come to terms with my own alcoholism or my complete loathing and mistrust of that evil old woman. But because of your generosity, I might get enough from his inheritance to cover my plane ticket and a few drinks at the airport bar! Thank you, Dr. Morgan, for enabling my dysfunctional family!’” –Hogenmogen
“Put everyone in Apartment 3-G into leather straps and ball-gags, and the dialogue still works surprisingly well. Better, even.” –Izzy
“Nina looked down. Get on my hands and knees? she thought. But that means… going into the void. The void had always been there, for as long as she could remember, below her waist and above… whatever was below her waist. They had all come out of the void, in their teen years, but no one ever knew or remembered what went down there. It was said that, to there they would all one day return. But Nina wasn’t ready. ‘Okay,’ she said, mustering her courage. ‘I’ll try. But you’d better be telling the truth!’ Trembling, she got to her knees. Oh god, she thought, as she lowered herself off-panel and toward the unseen ground. The voices.” –Black Drazon
“Who wants to see Nina’s baby zing out and whop Scott in the head?” –Lynn
“If anyone can get a hernia lifting a memory stick, it’s Peter Parker.” –But What Do I Know?
“Chip thought mowing the lawn would be a one-time thing. He’s not really a high achiever, academically.” –Doctor Handsome
I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:
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Mary Worth, 7/13/12
Hello, readers! You might recall the Mary Worth that ran on July 7, 2012, which first mentioned Wilbur’s intention to go on a Mediterranean cruise. I I featured this strip on this blog and, in jest, suggested that our protagonists would soon meet a fate similar to those aboard the Costa Concordia, which famously capsized off the Italian coast this past January. I made this joke not because I was trying to predict future events in the strip (though I’m certainly not above that entertaining game) but because the combination of the hapless Westons and looming disaster seemed funny. I literally did not for a single moment think that the strip actually planned to play this scenario out. And yet, as we are confronted with an awesomely fonted BAM!, it is suddenly clear that this is exactly what’s going to happen.
So, with that in mind, let’s discuss how this plays out. The b-plot has involved Mary earnestly asserting that the many depressives writing into Wendy for advice need to not give up on life but instead look for the silver lining in the dark cloud and learn from adversity. My guess is that Dawn responds to disaster with heroics, or at least some mild bit of integrity, and learns valuable lessons about her own self-worth. Still, for today at least I can fantasize about her watching Wilbur floundering as his weird hairy green suit jacket grows increasingly waterlogged. “Life is brutal,” she says, as she watches his four combover hairs sinking into the sea, one by one.
Apartment 3-G, 7/13/12
I’m reasonably sure that the garment that Tommie is taking off in panel one here is the weird thing with the collar she buttons up to the top and has been wearing all week, and that she’s just now taking it off because she’s really going to get down to whatever business it is that requires gloves. But I’d like to believe that she actually left for an hour to get a sandwich or something and is just now wandering back in and taking her jacket off. “So, did I miss anything? Still exhausted and in pain?”
Hi and Lois, 7/13/12
“Look forward to terrible, chronic pain, son! It’s the c-i-i-i-i-r-c-l-e of l-i-i-i-fe…”
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Thanks to all who have sponsored my novel so far! If you haven’t already, do check out that sample chapter to see if you’d be interested!
Spider-Man, 7/12/12
There are several reasons why I’m boycotting the new Amazing Spider-Man movie. (Remember kids, when you’re an Important Public Figure like me, “don’t feel like seeing” becomes “boycotting.”) For one thing, the first installment of the Sam Raimi-directed series came out when I was a gainfully employed adult, which means that it couldn’t have been long ago enough for a reboot, because what, do I look old to you? Do I?? But, more importantly, the new movie is, for incomprehensible reasons, completely J. Jonah Jameson-free. Maybe it’s because the filmmakers decided that nobody could top J.K. Simmons’ interpretation of the character, or maybe it’s because they’re morons, because J. Jonah Jameson is the best thing about the Spideyverse and even his ill-drawn newspaper version is hilarious. Is he “raising the roof” to signify his grudging concession of a living wage to his freelancers in panel two? Haha, JJJ FOREVER. If you miss him in the movies, you can follow him on Twitter.
Dennis the Menace, 7/12/12
Whoa, let’s not be hasty, Dennis. How do you know he’s not both? Are you saying that vampires lack the sense of impartiality and fair play necessary to be good umpires? Prejudice is the real menace in today’s society, Dennis.
Apartment 3-G, 7/12/12
That weird white quarter-circle at the bottom of panel two — that’s … that’s supposed to be Nina’s ass, isn’t it? You know, if you find yourself troubled by unwanted erotic thoughts about extremely pregnant women and would like to put a stop to them using aversion therapy, today’s Apartment 3-G would be a great place to start.