Problematic

Look,  there are a lot of problems in the world, and I recognise that some of them are pretty big, but are any of the world's problems really as big as the problem of annoying details in movies? Really?

REALLY?

See, that second "REALLY" got you, didn't it? You were all ready to rebut me until I cracked open a can of all caps on you mothers.

Anyway I was watching a movie, and I noticed some stuff that bugged me, and I thought it worthwhile to document the bits in movies that are really annoying.

This is not a list of BAD movies - it's a list of GOOD movies, or at least enjoyable movies, that have little bits that grate on you and make the good movie less good than it should be. I'm sure you have your own - let me know.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

- At one point, sexy long-haired rebel John Bender says to wealthy prom queen Claire "Bein' bad feels pretty good, doesn't it?" This is a problem, because not only would John Bender not say this, nobody on earth would say it. It's an irredeemably stupid thing to say. To say this sentence you would have to be lame beyond all reckoning. And Bender IS NOT LAME. Apart from this line, he's not, really he's not. So we're watching a badass rebel, and then we're watching a 50s greaser in a Roger Corman film about motorcycling nogoodniks, and then it's a badass rebel again for the rest of the movie. BUT we can't erase the memory. When someone says "Bein' bad feels pretty good" it CANNOT BE UNSAID.

- Also, Ally Sheedy is totally hot, but then Molly Ringwald gives her a makeover and makes her totally not hot, and for some reason Emilio Estevez is all like "whoa you're hot!" even though she looks like a four-year-old halfway through getting ready for Sunday School. It is a major plothole that this character does not find Ally Sheedy hot when she actually IS hot, but only finds her hot after the world's worst makeover, which causes her to become attractive only to men who like humping Rainbow Brite dolls. It's a lot like The Truth About Cats and Dogs, where they based the whole movie around the premise that Janeane Garofalo is ugly, which is like basing a movie around the premise that the Incredible Hulk is an English professor.

THE GOONIES

- I didn't see The Goonies until last year, so maybe I'd feel differently if I were a wide-eyed child, but even though there were lots of wacky fun times in this movie, there is also a lot of children shouting incoherently at each other. Basically, every page of the script must have read, "The Goonies all shout their lines at once". Couldn't ONE person, just ONCE, say, "Hey, how about we all take it in turns to speak?"

- They're called the Goonies and really that seems a bit weird.

HOME ALONE

- I really think that John Candy shouldn't have tried to comfort Catherine O'Hara. He'd have been pretty well within his rights to call her a monster and make her sit well away from the polka band. Because I mean, she is a terrible mother. A very very terrible mother. What's most annoying is that when the sequel came around, she and her husband had not been jailed or had their children removed, even though clearly they are incapable of caring for minors, because they lose their kid AGAIN. Which brings me to...

HOME ALONE 2

- In Home Alone, Kevin is a scared little boy who's left home alone and doesn't know what to do, and finds the courage to stick it to the evil burglars. In Home Alone 2 he is a sadistic sociopath who finds himself alone once again, but instead of trying to contact his family, lies to hotel staff, steals from his father to fund his lavish lifestyle, and then embarks on a campaign of completely unnecessary ultra-violence against the burglars from the first film, just because he enjoys hurting them. When he learns of their plan, the simplest thing would've been to go to the police, but Kevin doesn't do this, because he gets off on inflicting life-threatening injuries. The only proper response to the events of the first two Home Alone films is to imprison the parents and put Kevin into intensive psychiatric care.

WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

- Charlie DID steal Fizzy Lifting Drink! He DID disobey Wonka's explicit instructions! HE IS JUST AS BAD AS THE OTHER KIDS! Actually he's worse, because he's just a flat-out thief. Mike Teevee is punished just for being curious about science, but Charlie wins the jackpot after STEALING FROM WILLY WONKA AND RISKING SEVERE DAMAGE TO PLANT AND EQUIPMENT!

- Grandpa Joe is bed-ridden for twenty years and "miraculously" can walk, when he finds out he gets to go to a chocolate factory? How does Mrs Bucket not punch him in the mouth here?

- Why does Charlie ask Joe anyway? How about your mother who works late into the night providing for you at the clothes-stirring factory? You ungrateful little prick.

SPIDER-MAN

- Peter Parker's Uncle Ben gives him a lengthy speech on the theme "With great power comes great responsibility", berating him for the awful sin of DEFENDING HIMSELF. A guy tries to beat the shit out of his nephew, and all Ben can do is scold the kid for not just standing there and letting himself be hospitalised. Peter's not even allowed to defend himself from bullies? You'd rather he'd get bashed than have him teach a bully a lesson? Jesus Christ Uncle Ben, you're such a bastard.

- When the Green Goblin asks Spider-Man "Are you in, or are you out?" Spider-Man responds, "You're the one who's out - out of your MIND!" This is one of the worst things to happen in Western civilisation. I can only assume everyone involved in making this movie had enormous tumours pressing on vital parts of their brains, causing them to allow this line to stay in the movie. The fact that Tobey Maguire said this line without vomiting blood does not speak well of him.

DIRTY DANCING

- Why do people go to this place for their holidays when it is clearly the most boring place on earth? Jerry Orbach is smart enough to get a medical degree but not smart enough to see what a shithole his family is staying at?

- Isn't Patrick Swayze a statutory rapist? Didn't they have police in 1962?

- When all the resort staff are singing that song at the end, why isn't anyone in the audience killing themselves?

- Shouldn't people have been a bit more weirded out by the bizarre music that plays during the final dance? Aren't they startled by the fact they're listening to instruments that haven't been invented yet?

- Why doesn't Baby ever tell Patrick Swayze to stop being such a whiny little bitch?

- Why does hardly anything happen in this movie?


Below: Jennifer Grey with her "co-star", a watermelon that stood in for the character of "Johnny Castle", who was added via CGI in post-production

Let Nothing You Dismay

Hello everyone from my holidays! I'm desperately trying to get some actual holidaying in this festive season, but it's always shameful to neglect one's blog for too long, and so I thought I would update with something that, in the spirit of the season, is both Christmassy and lazy.

Those of you read my Age column last weekend will be aware that it was on the subject of Christmas TV (no, it's not online yet and no I don't know when it will be). I contend that television is one of the essential parts of the Christmas season, lending a flavour and a mood to the holidays that really bring them alive. If you're anything like me you'll have many fond memories of sitting down in front of the Christmas favourites - specials, movies, whatever - in the lead-up to the big day. It's not Christmas without Christmas TV, and I therefore here present you with my Christmas message, in the form of my...

TOP 10 CHRISTMAS TV FAVOURITES

A CHRISTMAS STORY

In this reporter's opinion the king of Christmas movies - yes, even better than Die Hard. Beautifully capturing the insanity both of Christmas and childhood, and the innocent materialism of youth.



ELF

A close contender for the title claimed by A Christmas Story, probably only losing because it falls into the classic "adults don't believe in Santa Claus even though he's real" trap of complete illogic that most Santa movies do. But still the best Sante/Elf movie ever, one of the best fish-out-of-water movies ever, a prime showcase for Will Ferrell's demented man-child bit, and it has Zooey Deschanel. ZOOEY DESCHANEL.



THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS

One of my fondest of childhood memories, and sadly one they don't seem to play anymore these days. The old Rankin Bass stop-motion classics were a staple of Christmas viewing in my youth - thank God for DVDs allowing me to keep the memory alive. This is the one with the Snow Miser and Heat Miser songs, and - wondrously - one of the very, very few movies or specials NOT to fall into the illogical trap mentioned above with Elf - in this one the grown-ups believe in Santa Claus, as well they should - because if Santa was real, parents would have to wonder where the presents were coming from...



SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN

Yes, another from Rankin Bass, and another from the days when childhood dreams were narrated by Fred Astaire. In this one, Mickey Rooney stars in the origin story of Santa Claus. As a kid I was absoutely enchanted by the idea of learning Santa's secret history. It humanised him somehow. I'll stop with the Rankin Bass now, but it's also worth checking out Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman.



A MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL

There have been approximately 7 billion versions of A Christmas Carol produced over the years, but as is true with pretty much everything in life, the best version is with the Muppets. Another indisputable fact about life is that everything is better with Michael Caine, so this is kind of like the perfect storm.



SOME MOTHERS DO 'AVE 'EM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Frank Spencer's Christmas holds a very special place in my heart for a particular reason: when I was a kid we used to have Psycho on VHS, taped off the TV, and at the end of it a Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em Christmas special was recorded. So if you watched Psycho, it would cut directly from the terrifying psychotic smirk of Norman Bates in his cell, to Frank Spencer in green tights playing the chief pixie in a department store. Unfortunately, I couldn't find that particular scene - which was from the 1975 special (there were three specials in 74, 75 and 78). But I found a really funny one from a different special - the Some Mothers specials were classics of the Britcom Christmas genre.



FUTURAMA: XMAS STORY

Futurama has had two marvellous Christmas specials too, revolving around Evil Robot Santa, which is, I think you'll agree, an unbelievably perfect conceptual confluence, and also he's voiced by John Goodman.



SIMPSONS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

Of course I am in desperate, near-sexual love with just about everything the Simpsons has done, and although their Halloween eps overshadow their Christmas ones, they still do a good Christmas. Take your pick of the Christmas specials, but Christmas is a time for nostalgia, and Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire is not only 21 years old (!), and the first Simpsons Christmas ep, it's also the very first full-length Simpsons episode of all!



YOGI BEAR'S FIRST CHRISTMAS

Oh this is so bad. I mean, really, it's so incredibly bad. Did you watch this as a kid? Wasn't it bad? It's so great how bad it is.



And of course...

BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL

Blackadder reigns supreme. That is all.



What are your old Christmas favourites?

Merry Christmas best beloveds.

A Sadder, Gentler Note

It has come to my attention that some of you in the media are spreading a rumour that Leslie Nielsen has died. This could not be further from the truth.

Now it is true that he's ill. Slightly ill. But he's just fine, he's out there acting, free to lead a life of religious fulfilment.



Bye, Detective Drebin.

WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?

Terrifying news has reached me: British travel firm Miles Morgan Travel are planning a cruise to commemorate the voyage of the Titanic, on the 100th anniversary of the original trip and following the same route.




Let me repeat: on the 100th anniversary of the infamous trip that claimed over 1000 lives, following the same route that led to utter catastrophe, Miles Morgan Travel will be sending out their ship the MS Balmoral. There is only one way ro respond to this news:

OH MY GOD SHANE VAN DYKE WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You MANIACS! Why didn't you LISTEN????

I Report, YOU Decide

Some have suggested I may have been a little premature in my last post. So I'm starting the debate right now. Have at it, opinioneers: Is Titanic 2, in fact, the best thing ever, or do we have to revise that opinion in light of:

MEGA PIRANHA!!!!!



Yes. When deciding between Bruce Davison and Dick van Dyke's grandson on a boat, or Greg Brady and Tiffany being attacked by giant flying cartoon fish, there are no easy answers. The important thing is that we have the debate.

The End Of History

I don't want to alarm you, but what you are about to see may well be, literally, the best thing ever, thus rendering all other things, past and future, obsolete.

TITANIC 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Please note: this is NOT a fake trailer.

Please also note: It is written by, directed by, and starring Shane van Dyke. Son of Barry, grandson of Dick.

Please note for a third time: I am so happy.

From the Herald Sun 11/4/10

Exciting news about Aussies abroad:

AUSSIE top model Nicole Trunfio (below) has auditioned for a movie that is set to star Hugh Jackman.

New York-based Trunfio, 24, has been taking acting lessons for three years with plans to hit the audition stage more than the catwalk.

Great news for Nicole! And certainly very plausible, right? Let's read on...

"(The film) is based in the future. It ’s a movie about boxing robots and my character is Russian," she said.

I can't help imagining an abandoned warehouse, with a handwritten sign reading "AUDITIONS FOR GENUINE HUGH JACKMAN MOVIE HERE - TOP MODELS WELCOME".

And inside, three chubby men with a camcorder and a used mattress.

Do I never STOP?

I know this blog excites you, and I know you go all gooey over Gather Around Me, the blog and podcast I co-host with Cam Smith.

But imagine if I had ANOTHER blog to thrill you all with!

And imagine if that blog were devoted to reviews of movies that don't actually exist, but which should!

Wouldn't that be amazingly wonderful?

YES, I imagine you are screaming loudly, startling family and co-workers.

HERE IT IS! Make This Movie, a blog for people who watch movies and believe there is a better way.

First review on the site: Random Acts Of Blindness, starring Jeff Bridges

Enjoy! Then come back here and enjoy some other stuff!

It's true, we don't.

Movies

You probably haven't heard about this, but Australian director Baz "Baz" Luhrmann has recently quietly sneaked a new movie into cinemas, with his usual humility and lack of fanfare. This movie is called "Australia", which is an odd title, given that the plot revolves around the power struggle between Frankish nobles of the 9th century.

Anyway, I've written about it my usual snide and abusive manner. Enjoy, my pets.

Why Do You Hate Freedom?

I trash all that's good and decent.

But it's not all doom and gloom: the Prime Minister predicts a "tough, ugly and hard" future , as he looks ahead to his next midnight rendezvous with Michelle Grattan.

Ooh, BURN!

Meanwhile, the Australiian film industry in crisis - which may or may not be the same crisis it's been in the last thirty years - with the revelation that the combined box-office take of this year's AFI Best Picture nominees is less than that of Will Ferrell's Step Brothers.

Some see this as a sign that we need to get Australians "engaged back in Australian stories", in the words of Dee McLachlan, director of The Jammed.

Nobody ever sees this kind of story as a sign that Australians should make entertaining movies, but I guess that'd be a bit crass.

Speaking of being more entertaining than four Australian movies put together, LOOK:



I KNOW that guy!