Dear Feminism: Stop Fucking Shit Up

Dear Feminism,

I fell in love with you when I was a little girl. When I was seven and wanted to be the Dodger’s starting catcher? Feminism. When I was thirteen and wanted to be a fighter pilot? Feminism. When I was fifteen and heard about a girl my age who died from a back alley abortion because the law wasn’t on her side and she was too terrified to tell her fundamentalist parents? Feminism. When I was 16 and joined the PC User’s Group and the Nerdcore that hung out in the library and talked about computers, Star Trek, video games, and D&D? Femi-fucking-ism.

When I was young, feminism was the force that told me I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. Whatever. It was the word that I invoked to scare away the monsters, it was more powerful than the boogey man, stronger than the fears of my mother, greater than the sum of all my parts. You, feminism, were my secret power. When people told me ‘girls don’t do that’, I shouted, ‘FEMINISM!’, then fucking DID IT. When I was a girl, you were my light saber, my long sword+2, my cloak of protection, the strength within me that constantly reminded me that no matter what other people said or did, I had power.

Then things got fucked up. Why did they have to get fucked up? Why? I ask myself that every day these days. At some point, my cloak of protection turned into a straight jacket, and ever since then I feel like I’ve been screaming from six feet under, begging someone to take away this debilitating sense that the only power you have left is to the VICTIMS among us. The constant message you send to us is not that we’re empowered, not that we can DO WHATEVER WE WANT, not that we have the power to put our detractors in their places, but that we are all victims, or if we’re not victims yet, we’re just waiting to become victims.

Gone are the images of strong, powerful women burning bras, staging protests, marching in the streets to demand equality. Here to stay seems to be a glorification of the weakest among us, a celebration of what it means to be a victim, and perhaps what it means to wait to be a victim. Rather than taking your sisters in arms and uplifting them and giving them power, feminism, you’re telling them that it’s okay to be weak, and that they should settle for weakness, for whining, for begging for attention by always reminding the world that we’re all damaged girls.  You’re making a mockery out of every moment of power, out of every exultation of strength, out of every ‘I WILL OVERCOME’ that was  uttered by the women of my youth. You mock the girls who said that they will not be the sum of their damage, but that they will rise above it and suck all of the strength they can out of that experience and come out not a victim OR a survivor, but a force of nature.

Well, I’m sorry feminism, but I can’t stand by and let this happen. I can’t swallow, anymore, the messages that some of us will FAIL to overcome our damage. That there is a time in which one actually stops trying to overcome their damage, and accepts defeat. I can’t swallow the messages that you know better than I do what’s good for me. You used to tell me that I could do anything, be anyone, become ANYTHING, but now you’re telling me that if I want to become a sexual object, I’m hurting others? That if I want to admire or even consume media that involves rape, that I am contributing to this amorphous thing you call ‘rape culture’? That the proper use of a movement meant to give women voices is to shut down the voices of men? To shut down the voices of artists? To tell artists what their art means, and that this meaning hurts others? This from you, feminism, who was once the voice in the back of my head always urging me to add MY art to the world, to add MY voice to the world. Why? Why would you betray me like that and shut others down because you disagree with them? Why? They disagreed with me once, too, and you told me to be powerful and fight through that. Why are you now telling them to shut up? Why? They’re not a threat to you, and never have been. You respond to things you don’t like with things that you DO like. That’s what you taught me when I was young, feminism. Why are you saying something else, now?

Well, I won’t fucking take it anymore. Feminism, I worry for you. I really do. You are under the influence of some truly sad people. People who’s pain is so strong and overpowering that it has shut down your message of strength and power. People who believe that subjective responses to art should be turned into objective views of morality. People who put down and insult those that would otherwise be their allies if they would just let go of their pain. People who you wouldn’t give the time of day to when I was a little girl, much less allow them to use your name as a method of silencing others.

Feminism,  you need an intervention. An exorcism. A cleansing. You need to tell the ruthless opportunists and the hapless attention whores to go find another movement. You need to divorce them, or we’re all going to end up paying the price. I refuse to let my future daughter grow up in a world where people using your name are the boogey men. Telling her what chance she has of getting sexually assaulted or raped, telling her that all of the men around her are dangerous, that the shadows hold terror, that the world is out to get her, that the world just wants to hate her. These are not good messages for little girls, nor are they – at all – the truth. I know, the world is a scary place, but I was always taught – by you, feminism! – that we face that scary place with optimism in one hand and big, fat, fucking sword in the other hand.

Feminism, it’s time to expunge from you those that would tear you down, those that would corrupt your empowering messages, those that would use feminism as a weapon to silence pens and keyboards, to still mice and paintbrushes. It’s now or fucking never. We are not victims OR survivors. We are NOT the sum of our labels. We should never settle for losing, we should never settle for weakness. In fact, when I was a girl, you – feminism – YOU told me to NEVER settle at all.

When I was a little girl, you saved me from settling for a mediocre life. You whispered in my ear in the night and told me to follow my dreams. You followed me through my life and told me time and time again that I had the power to change my life, and I reaped the rewards every time that I followed through. Every time sexism reared it’s ugly head in my life, YOU gave me the tools to fight it MYSELF, and every time that I did it worked. You were there for me when I needed you the most, so I will be there for you when you need me the most. Right now.

This is my love letter to you, feminism. I will not let you go quietly into the night. I will not let you become overcome with voices that have forgotten how to be anything but mean, sarcastic, and weak. I will not let YOU wallow in victimhood. I will not let you die from drinking in your own stale ideologies and 30-year-old statistics. You taught me what it means to fight, and I will fight. For you, for me, for all of the little girls out there right now and all of the little girls who are still to come. You, feminism, should be their strength, not their weakness, and I will not give up on you that easily. I will not let you wither and die. Of this, you have my promise. You saved me … and now I, and hopefully many women like me, will save YOU.

Because one day, YOU told me I could do anything.

All my love,
Stacy

I’m the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I’m the face that you have to face, mirrorin’ your stare
I’m what’s left, I’m what’s right, I’m the enemy
I’m the hand that’ll take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

– Foo Fighers, The Pretender 

 

Purgatory’s Soundtrack (To Start)

When starting any creative endeavor, it is absolutely necessary to ensure that you have the right music to match. Thus, I present you with the beginning of the Purgatory playlist.

One Wish Away Katra
Enjoy The Silence Lacuna Coil
Without Fear Lacuna Coil
The Game Lacuna Coil
In Visible Light Lacuna Coil
Closer Lacuna Coil
Fragments Of Faith Lacuna Coil
What I See Lacuna Coil
You Create Lacuna Coil
Devoted Lacuna Coil
Within Me Lacuna Coil
Our Truth Lacuna Coil
To The Edge Lacuna Coil
Fragile Lacuna Coil
Comalies Lacuna Coil
Angel’s Punishment Lacuna Coil
The Prophet Said Lacuna Coil
Entwined Lacuna Coil
Unspoken Lacuna Coil
The Ghost Woman And The Hunter Lacuna Coil
Tight Rope Lacuna Coil
Aeon Lacuna Coil
Self Deception Lacuna Coil
Humane Lacuna Coil
Daylight Dancer Lacuna Coil
Heaven’s A Lie Lacuna Coil
Swamped Lacuna Coil
Vow Garbage
Milk Garbage
Fix Me Now Garbage
My Lover’s Box Garbage
Dog New Tricks Garbage
Stupid Girl Garbage
A Stroke Of Luck Garbage
Not My Idea Garbage
As Heaven Is Wide Garbage
Only Happy When It Rains Garbage
Queer Garbage
Supervixen Garbage
When I Grow Up Garbage
I Think I’m Paranoid Garbage
Special Garbage Indica
Straight_And_Arrow  Indica
Scissor_Paper_Rock Indica
Precious_Dark Indica
Liljas_Lament Indica
Islands_Of_Light Indica
In_Passing Indica
Eerie_Eden Indica
Children_Of_Frost Indica
As_If Indica
A_Way_Away Indica
Volcano Girls Veruca Salt
Aurora Veruca Salt
Salt Flat Epic Veruca Salt
Save You Veruca Salt
Comes And Goes Veruca Salt
The Sun Veruca Salt
Blissful Queen Veruca Salt
Damage Done Veruca Salt
Sick As Your Secrets Veruca Salt
Closer Veruca Salt
Perfect Love Veruca Salt
Circular Trend Veruca Salt
Innocent Veruca Salt
Centipede Veruca Salt
So Weird Veruca Salt
Earthcrosser Veruca Salt
Venus Man Trap Veruca Salt
Stoneface Veruca Salt
Loneliness Is Worse Veruca Salt
Sound Of The Bell Veruca Salt
The Morning Sad Veruca Salt
Shutterbug Veruca Salt
Benjamin Veruca Salt
With David Bowie Veruca Salt
One Last Time Veruca Salt
Awesome Veruca Salt
Don’t Make Me Prove It Veruca Salt
Volcano Girls Veruca Salt
Straight Veruca Salt
Sleeping Where I Want Veruca Salt
25 Veruca Salt
Twinstar Veruca Salt
Victrola Veruca Salt
Number One Blind Veruca Salt
Fly Veruca Salt
Celebrate You Veruca Salt
Wolf Veruca Salt
Forsythia Veruca Salt
Spiderman ’79 Veruca Salt
Seether Veruca Salt
All Hail Me Veruca Salt
Get Back Veruca Salt
All I Really Want Alanis Morisette
You Oughta Know Alanis Morisette
Perfect Alanis Morisette
Hand In My Pocket Alanis Morisette
You Learn Alanis Morisette
Head Over Feet Alanis Morisette
Not the Doctor Alanis Morisette
Right Through You Alanis Morissette
Forgiven Alanis Morissette
Mary Jane Alanis Morissette
Ironic Alanis Morissette
Wake Up Alanis Morissette
You Oughta Know (Alternate) Alanis Morissette
Your House Alanis Morissette
Let Your Love Flow Bellamy Brothers
Lovefool The Cardigans
Burn The Crow
Golgotha Tenement Blues The Crow
Big Empty The Crow
Dead Souls The Crow
Darkness The Crow
Color Me Once The Crow
Ghostrider The Crow
Milktoast The Crow
The Badge The Crow
Slip Slide Melting The Crow
After The Flesh The Crow
Snakedriver The Crow
Time Baby Iii The Crow
It Can’t Rain All The Time The Crow
Tourniquet Evanescence
Imaginary Evanescence
Taking Over Me Evanescence
My Last Breath Evanescence
Whisper Evanescence
Going Under Evanescence
Bring Me To Life Evanescence
Everybody’s Fool Evanescence
Haunted Evanescence
Hello Evanescence
My Immortal (Band Version) Evanescence
Sweet Sacrifice Evanescence
Call Me When You’re Sober Evanescence
Weight Of The World Evanescence
Lithium Evanescence
Cloud Nine Evanescence
Snow White Queen Evanescence
Lacrymosa Evanescence
Like You Evanescence
Lose Control Evanescence
The Only One Evanescence
Your Star Evanescence
All That I’m Living For Evanescence
Good Enough Evanescence
I’m So Sick Flyleaf
Fully Alive Flyleaf
All Around Me Flyleaf
Mirror Mirror Cherri Bomb
Already Dead Cherri Bomb
Let It Go Cherri Bomb
Spin Cherri Bomb
The Pretender Cherri Bomb
Take This Now Cherri Bomb
Better This Way Cherri Bomb
Raw.Real. Cherri Bomb
Shake the Ground Cherri Bomb
Too Many Faces Cherri Bomb
Let It Go Cherri Bomb
Sacrificial Lamb Cherri Bomb
Act the Part Cherri Bomb
Drawing a Blank Cherri Bomb
Heart Is a Hole Cherri Bomb
Paper Doll Cherri Bomb
Hold On Cherri Bomb
We’re Alive Stitched Up Heart
Is This The Way You Get To Hell? Stitched Up Heart
Presence Felt Stitched Up Heart
Trip the Darkness Lacuna Coil
Against You Lacuna Coil
Kill the Light Lacuna Coil
Give Me Something More Lacuna Coil
Upsidedown Lacuna Coil
End of Time Lacuna Coil
I Don’t Believe in Tomorrow Lacuna Coil
Intoxicated Lacuna Coil
The Army Inside Lacuna Coil
Losing My Religion Lacuna Coil
Fire Lacuna Coil
My Spirit Lacuna Coil
Soul Inmate (Bonus Track) Lacuna Coil
Closer (Live On WCC) Lacuna Coil
Heavens a Lie (Live On WCC) Lacuna Coil
Within Me (Live On WCC) Lacuna Coil
I Won’t Tell You (Live On KXFX) Lacuna Coil
Spellbound (On WBYR Second Visit) Lacuna Coil
Criminal Fiona Apple
Angry Johnny Poe
Pretend We’re Dead L7
All We Know Paramore
Pressure Paramore
Emergency Paramore
Brighter Paramore
Here We Go Again Paramore
Let This Go Paramore
Whoa Paramore
Conspiracy Paramore
Franklin Paramore
My Heart Paramore
Careful Paramore
Ignorance Paramore
Playing God Paramore
Brick By Boring Brick Paramore
Turn It Off Paramore
The Only Exception Paramore
Feeling Sorry Paramore
Looking Up Paramore
Where The Lines Overlap Paramore
Misguided Ghosts Paramore
All I Wanted Paramore
Ignorance Paramore
For A Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic Paramore
That’s What You Get Paramore
Hallelujah Paramore
Misery Business Paramore
When It Rains Paramore
Let The Flames Begin Paramore
Miracle Paramore
Crushcrushcrush Paramore
We Are Broken Paramore
Fences Paramore
Born For This Paramore
White Robe T.A.T.U.
All The Things She Said t.A.T.u.
Show Me Love t.A.T.u.
Stomp – Ripper Sole Tank Girl
Bjork – Army of Me Tank Girl
Devo – Girl U Want Tank Girl
The Magnificent Bastards – Moc Tank Girl
L7 – Shove Tank Girl
Hole – Drown Soda Tank Girl
Bush – Bomb Tank Girl
Portishead – Roads Tank Girl
Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg Tank Girl
Belly – Thief Tank Girl
Vercua Salt – Aurora Tank Girl
Ice-T – Big Gun Tank Girl

Kickstarter in Focus: City of Clocks by James Knevitt

As you can probably guess, I’ve been a big fan of RPG stuff on Kickstarter lately. I like that my money can go to  helping new things get created, and I like even more the perks that you can get from backing something new early. I’m extending that support, now, to talking about the Kickstarters that I’m supporting. The first pick: City of Clocks, a systemless setting by James Knevitt.

Christopher Helton was kind enough to set me up with a few chapters of the book, as well as hooking me up directly with James so that I could give him a bit of an interview. What I find interesting about this Kickstarter is that it’s not just about getting new work into the world, it’s about saving existing work. City of Clocks licensed was being at on by a publisher who’d stopped publishing. Without Kickstarter to collect the funds needed, it would have disappeared all together. That’s pretty sad.

The book details a unique steampunk-type world that all focuses around this main city. It has a rich and interesting whole magical history that involves ancient races and ancient magics as well as clockworks. There are even androids and insect people. Oh, and mechs that are powered by, basically, steamed chaos. I have a hard time putting the setting into some sort of genre-specific mold, but it is a unique and interesting world all on it’s own. I highly, highly suggest checking it out.

The Kickstarter has met it’s goals, but there are a number of excellent stretch goals to keep striving for:

For every $1,500 we raise past the primary goal we will release a Field Guide (rules conversions for playing in the City of Clocks for a particularly set of rules) in PDF for free to everyone who pledges at the $60 level and higher. This means:

$6,500 releases a Field Guide for OpenQuest
$8,000 releases a Field Guide for Swords & Wizardry
$9,500 releases a Field Guide for Savage Worlds
$11,000 releases a Field Guide for Pathfinder

These Field Guides have not yet been written, so we are looking at a March release on them. Remember, if we hit all four of these stretch goals your $60 pledge for a PDF will get you not only the PDF of City of Clocks and the appendix that is exclusive to Kickstarter backers but you will also get up to four additional PDFs, depending on how many stretch goals we reach. That will be a lot of bang for your gaming buck. All of these Field Guides will eventually be released to retail channels but they will go out to our Kickstarter backers first!

Keep an eye open, if we go through these goals there might be further announcements to be made.

So go check it out! It’s an awesome world and something I liked enough to put my own money towards.

James was kind enough to answer a few questions for me. Here they are for your reading pleasure:

In a pithy one-liner, how would you best describe City of Clocks?

An industrial cosmopolitan dystopia on the brink of revolution.

What was your original inspiration for the setting?

When I started writing it (2003), I was pretty big in the what would later become the steampunk movement. I was also playing in a friend’s 7th Sea game which also provided me with some vague ideas. Ultimately it was that game and an odd conversation about Barbarella that game me the push to start writing it. I can’t recall much about the latter conversation, unfortunately.

What systems have you playtested City of Clocks with? Do some work better than others? Do you have a favorite?

I’ve used the setting with Dream Pod 9′s Silhouette system, the d20 system, BRP and what would eventually become Savage Worlds (the Deadlands RPG). I’m aware of folks having used the setting with Savage Worlds and FATE as well, but not in any formal capacity. It seems to fit pretty well for all sorts of systems, which I’m happy about. I quite enjoyed using it with BRP.

One of my favorite parts of worlds like this are the ways that technology is imagined. I love the idea of the ice-powered mechs wandering around. Any plans for additional supplements that might extend into more creative technology?

I think that’s certainly a possibility. There’s a strong legacy of what one might call “forgotten technology” in the setting. People are just starting to reverse-engineer technology that was once common to many precursor races, so there’s a lot of room to maneuver when it comes to possible technology that could be discovered by PCs if they happen to be in the right place. I like to think that there’s room for anything folks could dream up.

What kind of stories do you think serve this world best? Stories of intrigue and power? Raw stories of fighting against oppression? Stories with a lot of violence or battle? Or, even, all of the above?

All of the above, certainly. I wrote the setting as a place that teeters on the brink of revolution, but also a place where for the most part people just try to go about their lives. Players using the setting can choose to dial down the revolution aspect and play the setting straight, getting involved in House intrigues of faction infighting. The flip side of that is a full-on civil war that has players choosing sides and fighting in the streets of the city in a wartime setting. Or, naturally, it can fall somewhere in between.

So, it looks like this has been a long time in the making, and the Kickstarter is funded. Can you give my readers a little bit of a timeline?

I started working on the setting in 2003 (with my then- collaborators Nick Pilon and john Buckmaster) when it was going to be picked up by Dream Pod 9. Real life intervened and the project became detached from DP9, and it lay fallow until about 2008, when I decided to finish up the project and to start shopping it around. The setting rights were then purchased by a publisher who for a couple of reasons didn’t work out. I then figured out a deal with Battlefield Press to finally get this thing into print by running a Kickstarter campaign to buy the rights back and pay for art and layout. That about brings us to the present!

Be Your Own Advocate – Lesson #1 Stand Up For Yourself

Anyone who follows me on G+ probably knows that I’m a pretty big fan of being your own advocate – especially as a gamer who also happens to have a vagina attached to her. I wanted to write up a post specifically about what that means, but instead, it looks like opportunities to do that using other people as examples is the better way to go.

Today, it comes from this article: I Can Be Just As Capable. Go on, read it. context is king and all of that. I don’t want you judging someone simply based on the bits and pieces that I choose to quote. Part of Being Your Own Advocate includes making sure you spend the time to truly explore the things that you believe, and that means not taking someone else’s word for anything. Especially mine.

In case you want to read it later, here’s Tl;dr version of the above: Katie (a gaming journalist) goes to E3, where asshole PR people act like assholes and assume that she’s not a gamer. They say condescending things to her, steer her away from the AAA games toward the Facebook games, and make general stupid assumptions. The first time I went to E3 was about 10 years ago. I heard the same stories, then. Hell, I experienced it first-hand a couple of times.

Here’s what gets me, though …

I remember the silence that filled this space beyond this question. I was horrified that anyone could even ask such a thing. Here I was, sitting with my fingers spread across WASD, admiring a game world — and somehow, for some obtuse reason, being assumed to be someone who didn’t know anything about the world or how to interact with it.

“I think I better play it for you,” he said finally, prying my hands away and turning the keyboard towards himself.

And so there I was, hands twisted awkwardly and uselessly in my lap as a guy walked me through his game. In laboured detail, he explained to me simple mechanics that any shooter player would be well-acquainted with. He avoided the gameplay due to some apparent strange belief that I was not there to learn about shooting things in a shooter game, that perhaps my delicate girl senses might be offended by killing with guns and missiles. He pointed out rabbits in the grass with all the condescension of an adult trying to distract a noisy toddler, as if my interest in this simulation-grade shooter lay in some wildly misguided assumption that it would be full of adorable, fluffy animals.

Why would anyone – much less a JOURNALIST –  just sit there and take it? This isn’t the first time I’ve read something like this, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Girl gets talked down to in meeting at work by sexist guy. Girl doesn’t stand up for herself, but complains about it on her blog later. Girl gets talked down to at gaming convention by sexist guy. Girl doesn’t stand up for herself, but complains about it on her blog later. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

This pattern defies categorization. It happens everywhere. Inside the world of geekiness and outside of it. At my last job, I thought for a couple of years that I was the only woman on my team who felt it necessary to stand up for herself. Though I was on a very balanced team (gender-wise), I never heard them stand up for themselves. For a while, I just thought that I was the only one seeing or experiencing things that made me feel the need to speak up. Then, a year before I left that job, some of the girls on the team finally opened up to me and told me that they agreed with me, they were just too afraid to say anything because our manager told them that they complained too much.

The advice that I gave them is the same advice that I’m going to give you today. Don’t listen. Speak up. Speak up frequently. Speak up persistently. Yell if you have to, go to Human Resources, even quit your job to get the point across. Make a lot of noise. Never be a doormat. NEVER. Only you can prevent that from happening, not anyone else.

Before I left that job, the other women on my team were much more vocal. They also came across as more competent, confident, and in control of their lives and the direction that their careers took. These were strong women in the first place, but I’d like to think that my words had some sort of positive impact.

Being quiet does nothing, and while you might hit a broader audience by placing your thoughts on the internet, it serves more to add to the general noise out there than it does to actually make some sort of lasting change. Women were complaining about exactly the  same things a decade ago. Clearly, no level of screaming on the internet has made a difference.

What disappoints me so much about Katie’s story is that she’s a journalist. I expect more from her. Lots more. While my co-workers might get a pass at not speaking up because their jobs were on the line, Katie’s job is to ask questions. If she’s not being shown what she needs to see in order to write a good article about the game, she should be pushing. She should be flooding the PR guy with a ton of questions. Why won’t you let me do it? Why are you showing me just the bunnies? What are you doing there? How do you frag that guy? Can you be a sniper in this game? Show me what it looks like to headshot someone.

Or, better yet …

Fuck you, I could outplay you with one hand tied behind my back, and I don’t even know this game very well. Give me back that keyboard and go give someone a keychain or something before I give our game a shitty review just because of you.

Further, I don’t understand why Katie obfuscates the game companies that treated her this way. I know that there’s been a long-time issue with game reviewers walking on eggshells around game studios, but I would think something like this would be a story worthy of breaking a few eggs over. Or maybe, at least worthy of speaking harshly to the PR guy about. Asking for his manager? Anything?

Posting up yet another article on the internet about the subject, written by someone who was in a situation to actually challenge the situation does little to nothing to actually change the situation. It’s a way of saying ‘Please, someone else fix this thing’, and a method of asking someone else to be your own advocate.

Again, Katie’s situation stands out to me not because it’s unique, but because she was in the position to do something about it. Public Relations people are supposed to please the press. They’re not there to talk down to you, belittle you, or treat you like ou don’t know what you’re doing. They may have specific instructions to target particular demographics, and Katie probably fell into the ‘wrong’ demographic, but that’s when it become Katie’s responsibility to point out that they are dead wrong about her, what she wants, and what she needs as a journalist in order to write her article.

This should filter through to every part of a woman’s life. If you’re not being listened to at work, speak up until they can’t help but to listen to you. If people that you work with are treating you like you don’t know what you’re talking about even though it’s your field of expertise, educate them. The same thing goes for people outside of your realm of ‘work’. I live for the moments when I get to prove that I am not what the cover of my ‘book’ tells the world. Those are the moments where we define ourselves as people.

It’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy that being prevented from playing a game myself leads to only shallow coverage of it, and to have it bylined with a woman’s name only reinforces the idea that a woman might be no good at covering games anyway. Why this, when we’ve made such progress? It’s not just an insult to me — it’s an insult to my editors, to the publications I write for, to games journalism, and to gaming.

This prophecy is self-fulfilling primarily because Katie, and women like Katie, don’t ask the hard questions. They don’t push back, become louder, or complain… unless it’s somewhere safe. Ladies, it’s time to put on your big girl panties and start kicking some ass. That means, if you’re going to write articles like this, then use NAMES. Take pictures, use faces. Do some undercover reporting. Talk to other women, see if they have the same experience. Be loud, ask the studio why it is that the PR reps are pushing the female journalists over to the Facebook games, then publicize their answers. Make them regret treating you poorly, don’t just cry over it.

When I sit down at a computer, fingers automatically fanning out over WASD, I shouldn’t have to be made to feel as though it’s not my place. As if I’m a fraud, or wasting the time of the people who develop, promote, or publish games. I can be just as capable as any other writer or gamer. Let me.’

Stop asking for permission. BE capable, don’t ask to be allowed to be capable. THAT is being your own advocate.

Mapping Out Krohn

One of the many projects I’ve been working on this weekend is the worldmap for my main campaign, set in this world I’ve tentatively named Krohn. The name’s sticking more and more every day, but it still doesn’t feel’ quite right. I kind of feel like I should keep it, though, because the other day Rob saw the name of the world and said, ‘At some point in time during the game, I reserve the right to stand up and shout ‘Krrrooooohhhhnnnnnn!!!!’. So, now I feel sort of obligated. :)

Anyway, in the last couple of years I’ve indulged in getting nearly every piece of art-making software and hardware that my little, untrained, artistic soul has ever lusted after. Okay, maybe not *everything*, but I actually have a decent drawing pad (a Wacom Intuos4), and pretty much every Adobe program in existence thanks to the Adobe Creative Cloud. I’ve also got, from my last campaign, a huge chunk of the Campaign Cartographer goodies, including Fractal Terrains 3, CC3, CD3, and DD3.

I have this to say about the Campaign Cartographer programs: CAD programs require an enormous learning curve. I don’t know if I’m just more comfortable in Photoshop because I’ve been  using it for the last fifteen years straight (and still consider myself an intermediate user – at best), or if CAD programs really just have that big of a learning curve, but me and the CC programs just don’t get along. Every time I pick up the software again, I end up having to go back and wander through the tutorials again. It’s frustrating and annoying. Plus, there are times – especially in Fractal Terrains – when I want to make very fine touch changes, and either the tool doesn’t work as I expected, or it works far too well, and I can’t get it to ‘undo’ far enough back.

Last night, I vowed to make nicey nice with CC and FT, but it still didn’t work. When it comes to designing cities and dungeons, I like the CC programs a lot, but overworld I just feel like I’m constantly flailing around to get it to do what I want. I had to stop and force myself to admit that the design nerd in me (her name is Julia, and she’s particularly fond of late 19th  century french poster designs, like those created by Jules Chéret) just needed to have a lot more control over every aspect of map creation.

So, I took a deep breath, girded my loins, loaded up Photoshop and unequivocally told myself, ‘You WILL make friends with drawing in Photoshop, and you WILL stop getting frustrated when you have to learn new things.’

Ideally, what I want to do is:

  1. Create an overworld map that shows the planet as a whole, or at least a good-sized chunk of said planet. This will be the area that the campaign runs in.
  2. Do it in such a way so that I can print out a high fidelity Giclée print of the world at 17″x22″ for the gaming table.
  3. Also do it in such a way that I can ‘focus in’ on particular areas of the map and make new maps, also capable of being printed at a high resolution, for each of the areas the players are in at any given time.
  4. Make the map ‘skinnable’, at least in part, so that I can show and hide various labels and make changes to the world as the players interact with and, thus, change the world.

This is important to me because I’m a very visual person. When I’m working on prepping for a session or a campaign, I spend a lot of time looking at other people’s ideas and imagery. Any one given ‘thing’ that I’m working on will have graphical influences in my head that come from virtually anywhere. Part of what I’m doing for this game, in fact, is to put together individual player mini-binders so that I can frequently pass out visuals that the players can keep to reference whenever they like. I’ll detail that in a later post.

I decided that the best way to do this would be to create my continents as vectors so that I could scale them however I needed to without losing any fidelity. That means using the pen tool, a tool that I’ve always somehow just barely managed to avoid learning. Last night, though, I decided to dig in and get crunchy with it, promising to allow myself to be patient. With the help of Photoshop’s freeform pen tool, I was able to actually fairly quickly build up some continents, apply a fill layer, and some layer effects.

Here’s what I got after fiddling for about an hour or two last night:

This worked way better than I thought it would. I just tried to let myself relax and draw land masses that looked like land masses. Now that the base shapes are there, I’m going to go back and fine-tune the coastlines. Some of them are a little too ‘soft’ for my taste, others are a little too ‘sharp’. Since I’ve made friends with the pen tool, I should be able to more or less just draw what I want, and then use the tools to fine tune that.

The next steps are going to be harder, I fear. I need to start laying down climates, drawing hills, peaks, and valleys, finding the right textures and layer effects to get the look I want, all while trying to figure out some sort of scale. To that end, I’m going to hop into Illustrator today and see if I can’t make some doodly sort of map icons.

So … so far soo good, but I’m crossing my fingers, hoping this thing doesn’t turn out looking like a 6-year-old created it. :)

Rape and Lara Croft: How I Feel

Caveat: I originally started writing this as a comment reply on G+ to someone discussing the Tomb Raider kerfuffle that’s been going on. I realized, about 500 words in that I was threatening to nearly derail the conversation entirely. So, I decided to write it here, instead. Normally, I wouldn’t want to have two heavy posts in a row, but this just sort of happened. I swear, I’ll shortly be getting back to more ‘fun’ content. 

In the late 90s, when I was running my dad’s business for him, I almost always had the TV on between answering stupid phone calls. I left it on Lifetime a lot for Golden Girls reruns, but every once in a while, I’d forget and some Lifetime movie would come on.

Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie? About 90% of them are about rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, and Horrible Things Happening To Women. The other 10% are romances or family dramas.

The women don’t become strong heroines at the end. They become ‘normal people’ or ‘okay’. They get to have their normal lives back (sorta). The movies are almost always depressingly horrible … and they’re made for women to consume (and women do consume them).

I’ve read a small number of romance novels as well … (written for women), and there is almost always an underlying current of threat in at least a few of the scenes in the book, and it’s almost always about some form of sexual assault. In fact, pulp romance novels in the early 20th century introduced the first forms of rape fantasy as a way to counteract social forces that looked down upon sex out of wedlock.

Again, though, the women don’t come out as badasses. They either fall in love with their rapists, or the device is used to drive the character, now weakened, into the arms of someone else where, through love and a lot more weakness, the character can sort of have a normal life. Because of this guy who came along and saved her.

Even when we were little girls, reading Judy Blume books, we didn’t get to be badass. We got to be responsible, we got to be realistic, we got to be artistic and dreamy and many many other things, but never badass. It’s like we spent all this time telling each other just to settle for a little less, and not to let bad things get to us because we’re reasonable women who understand that in reality we can’t solve our problems through moments of violence.

I hate that media. I grew tired of it somewhere in my Junior year of High School, and it got shattered as soon as I picked up a copy of Clan of the Cave Bear.

There are a ton female video game characters, comic book characters, female characters in all of geek media that aren’t badasses through rape. It’s just such a touchy subject that when it’s even implied, even as just an implied thought, it gets blown up and everyone goes a little crazy about it for a while.

As a woman, I’m always conscious of rape. Of what’s known about rape (that it’s most often by someone you know), of what’s unknown (there are still violent rapes that happen, and they often coincide with murder), of what society thinks, and of the real emotional terror that imagining facing something that horrible brings up. I can’t help but to think about it because people are always talking about it. Thoughts like this actually go through my head … “Oh, this is a really dark garage. What happened to the lights? Maybe I should wait and walk with someone else. No, don’t be ridiculous. The likelihood that someone’s sitting around the corner, waiting for a woman to walk by is pretty close to nil, just go get in your car.”, then, during the whole walk to the car, “But what if today I’m that tiny likelihood?”

I know I’m not alone, too, because we talk about it with each other. Some women are more afraid than others. Some take deep, deep precautions that make me believe they’ve seen that boogey man, been that small percentage, and won’t take that chance ever again. It’s impossible to know because there are, too, some, who have just seen far too many made for TV movies, and who are scaring themselves for no good reason. I see them hesitating before going into a dark garage, getting out their keys and placing their fingers on the panic buttons when approaching their car at night, crossing the street when a particularly rowdy group of men approach, never running, walking, or hiking alone, waiting for the security guard to come give them a ride or walk with them to their car, and many other safety variants. I’ve seen women do all of these things, heard them talk about it, and done many of these things myself.

I can’t (and won’t) speak for all women, but for myself, there is something deeply cathartic about characters who get to heap vengeance upon those that have hurt them. It feels good, for a change, to get to see a character kill the asshole that’s threatening her rather than to have to endure the character getting raped, then going through the mundane process of healing. Rather than calling the cops, suing the rapist, seeing a therapist, taking scalding hot showers with scour brushes, or curling up into a fetal position and sobbing, I get to see characters literally kicking ass and taking names. You’re going to even think about hurting me? Fuck you, I’m going to eviscerate you. I’m going to rip your guts out and stuff them down your throat while you’re screaming in pain. All in the name of justice.

Our world (the real one) is stuffed with stories of women who became mundanely strong after sexual assault. By mundanely, I mean … she’s able to someday fall in love again, able to hold down a job and keep her family fed, able to survive the difficulties of the real world that we live in. She may even excel professionally, though she’ll always be facing those fears over and over again. She may ‘kick ass’ in a very mundane sense, but she doesn’t ever get to kick ass in a very real sense. Except in fantasy. Except in the worlds that we create in our heads.

To expect those worlds not to contain reflections of our world is unrealistic. The catharsis feels good because there is something to relate it to back in the real world. That’s why so many of our science fiction and fantasy worlds hold some sort of reflection of the politics in our existing real world. As I think I’ve mentioned before, it’s a safe space to explore difficult subjects in. I believe it’s important for us to have those safe spaces, so we’re not always stuck with limited thinking in a rather limited reality.

Thus, I enjoy it when sexual assault is a defining feature of a character’s background. There, I said it. I love watching Buffy get jumped, and then beat the ever-loving-fuck out of the guy who jumped her. I love it when a character’s sexual assault turns her, not into a responsible mother of two with a rising career and a loving husband who understands her issues, but into a seething weapon of vengeance, ready to take on the world and destroy anyone or anything that would hurt her or anyone else. When walking through that dark parking lot towards my car, I’d much rather imagine myself spin-kicking my assailant into the wall than pulling out a can of mace and running screaming to my car. It stands to reason that if my favorite fiction worlds are based on the reality that I live in, a lot of the women in those stories are going to have backgrounds that include sexual assault. Rather than have that be a motivator for her to be normal, I rather like the message that it’s a motivator for her to be extraordinary.

Now, I won’t speak to whether or not the trope is overused, or whether or not it’s a trope in the first place. Personally, I don’t think that it is if you compare geek media to mainstream media geared towards women. However, I haven’t done an exhaustive search into all of the characters of all of the genres, so I don’t feel that I qualify to give an objective enough answer to that question. To me, though, whether or not something is overused is a moot point. Ficiton is replete with overused themes. We tend to explore things over and over and over again. That doesn’t make it a bad thing, it just makes it something we seem to want to talk about a lot.

Nuance. It’s What’s For Dinner.

I’ve been looking at the feminist / sexist discussions lately, and I’m actually a little pleased that I see conversations shifting toward a direction of nuance and understanding that Complicated Things Are Complicated. More and more, I’m reading things by people who used to make me grind my teeth that make me grind my teeth just a little less. Unfortunately, it’s not a complete change, and some of the language of nuance is being used to say ‘hey, we’re not trying to take away your toys from you – we’re just trying to tell you that they’re Wrong’.

Take this post that ended up in my Google+ feed today. Overall, it’s a pretty good post, but there are still phrases within it that put me on edge. Read the whole thing. I’m going to cut out bits and pieces, but I do want you to have context before I go into detail on the bits and pieces. Because, while the message (over all) is a pretty nuanced one, it employs the language that I use to talk about the subject while also shaming people about liking the things that they like.

Since it seems difficult for people to understand why the tone and language of their arguments is setting normally perfectly reasonable people on edge, and making them sound like they’re raving misogynists, I thought I’d take the time to point out why. This post is a perfect example of that because it attempts to please both sides of the audience, but still manages to shame one side. In these quotes, emphasis is always mine.

You too can adopt a nuanced position. You too can acknowledge that a piece of work is bad without having to pack all your wank materials into black bags for the binmen. If you admit that this cover is bad – which it is, it really is – no-one is going to take your dog-eared Danger Girl collection to the local Sally Army for someone less enlightened to enjoy. Your freedom to enjoy visual representations of attractive women are not under threat. You will live to masturbate another day.

The last time I checked, determining whether or not a particular piece of art is bad or good is a highly subjective experience. It is incredibly condescending to say ‘This thing is objectively bad because I believe it’s objectively bad, but it’s okay for you to like that thing because nuance.’ Stop telling people that something is objectively bad or good. In YOUR OPINION, this is bad. It may not be in mine, or the guy who sits next to me, or the grandma next door. You are not the decider, and every time you try to come off as the decider, you weaken all of feminism.

The fact that YOU don’t like it is, absolutely, an important fact. It’s one that you are entitled to share with the world, one that actually fits in with the word ‘criticize’. If you want less of this and more of something else in your life, then that’s absolutely something that you should ask for at every bend of the road. As someone who buys comics or games or whatever it is that you buy, you are part of the demographic of customers that uses those things, and your opinions are absolutely important. Especially if you express them by not purchasing said thing and telling the company why you didn’t purchase that thing.

You can do all that, though, without coming out as a nanny telling people that you know best what is good and what is bad. And no, you don’t have to say that explicitly, because you do a brilliant job of doing it implicitly.

Also, don’t get all caught up on me using this post. There’s a whole subculture that writes this same post over and over and over and over again. This one is just handy because it’s trying to use my argument to push an agenda, which kind of pisses me off.

And yes, the cover to Catwoman #0 reduces the character to her sexual assets. But in a diverse and perfect world you can do that in an artful way; you can be sexy, elegant, playful. This is none of those things. This Catwoman is a knuckle of tit. She could have been grown in a pleasure lab for lonely men. She could change her name to Fleshlight Armstrong. This cover is insulting to women, not because it’s sexual, but because it’s bad. It’s also insulting to heterosexual men, but heterosexual men have apparently never minded an insult they can wank to.

You ever think that maybe heterosexual men are tired of being told by women that they’re too fucking stupid to see through attempts to appeal solely to their libido? As feminists, we say constantly that when men use the excuse that they were too blinded by lust to stop raping someone, it’s an insult to the intelligence of all men everywhere. Yet, when faced with men who feel backed into a corner and defensive over women categorically stating that their favorite things are objectively bad, the best argument is ‘oh well, most men are stupid assholes who will wank off to anything’? If someone insulted my intelligence every other paragraph, I’d probably be a little angry, too.

You’ve never had to worry about getting scraps from someone else’s table. The culture serves you, sir. You are, and always have been, and always will be, the primary audience. Yet there are little corners of the world that serve other people – sometimes with you in the room, and sometimes when you’re out of it. And every time you notice it happening, you complain.

Every time.

Every.

Time.

Every time the culture serves someone who isn’t you, and every time someone who isn’t you comments on culture, you moan, you jostle, you threaten, you splutter with indignation. “What is this? People are mocking the ample bosoms that I so enjoy? Fetch my blunderbuss.” And because the culture is almost always about you – so much so that you’ve never even consciously acknowledged it – you see anything that isn’t about you as a threat. But it’s not a threat. It’s not a mob, or a gang, or even a bandwagon. It’s just the rest of the world. And you’re not excluded from it; you’re just choosing not to participate because you know you’ll have to share the spotlight.

Funny, this … my feeds aren’t full of men complaining whenever the picture of a fully-dressed female in a plausible pose shows up in a comic book, gaming book, or other piece of geek culture. In fact, I’ve seen that happen, uh … never. It isn’t because these things don’t exist, either, because they emphatically do. There’s a whole fucking tumblr dedicated to that very thing.

On the other hand, I see screeds like these come up multiple times a day, each one containing a number of ways to insult anyone who happens to like that piece of art. In the comments, it even gets uglier. WAY uglier. In some cases, it’s against complete asshole trolls who I agree totally deserve it. However, more often, it’s against men who have real points that should be addressed, but rather than address them, they’re often responded to with sarcastic, hateful, mean, and belittling responses from the women that post the screeds. Golden rule anyone?

You are the ones complaining every time. Every time. Amongst the people who are truly nuanced about this subject, it’s a joke. We very nearly make pools on how long it will take for one of these screeds to pop up immediately after something that’s screed-worthy comes out. Many of us don’t even see these pieces of art on the internet – at all – until they’re pointed out to us – by you. It promotes a great deal of fatigue amongst those who like to take a middle road stance. Nearly daily I hear liberal-minded, equality-seeking men who like to hang out with women and want more of them gaming with them uncircling, unfollowing, and occasionally blocking women who are doing nothing but complaining. It’s having a negative net result, not a positive one.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s the actual critiques that are causing this. Not by a long shot. It”s totally within your right to critique something you don’t like. People write negative reviews about products all the time. There’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is that every single one of these posts comes off as you knowing better than everyone else as to what’s right and what’s wrong – objectively.

When you state that something is definitively sexist, leaving no room for argument, you are saying that this thing is bad. By and large, people don’t want to feel guilty for liking bad things. I’ve been in comment threads on G+ with men making very reasonable points who are shouted down as trolls, told that they don’t know what they’re talking about, told that they’re just slaves to their hormones, told that they’re being trolls for disagreeing, along with misogynists and a whole line of nasty, not-nice words. Many of these men have wives and daughters and mothers. They consider themselves progressives, and would never want to imagine the women in their lives suffering negative consequences as a result of the things that they, themselves, like. So, naturally, when you tell them that the things that they like are dangerous to women, they become a bit defensive.

For good reason. While the effects of sexual objectification can be seen and felt all around us, the sources of those effects are a lot more questionable. We get social cues from more than just the images that we look at. We get them from millions of signals that we get through every one of our senses. It is not only rude – but irresponsible – to assume that there is one thing, or even a set of a few things that could actually change that without understanding in the first place what is really causing it. It presupposes you know – for a fact – something that scientists all over the world are still grappling with. Something that feminist theory, itself, has changed its mind on several times. How smart must you be?

It’s irresponsible because as soon as people think they have the answer to the problem, they start hammering on getting their answer through and stop looking at the problem. Then, when that hammering happens, so much time is spent fending off the defensive reaction of others that it’s a waste of energy all together.

A great example of this is all of the furor over pornography being something definitively anti-feminist. Andrea Dworkin and a whole generation of feminists told us over and over again that men having access to pornography is a bad, bad thing. But then, when the availability of hardcore pornography skyrocketed, sexual assault rates shrank. We’re still living with the result of that … a whole generation of women believing that ‘feminism’ is the big ‘f’ word, and the generalized belief that feminists look and behave a very particular way. It’s very hard to argue against stereotypes when you play right into one.

How much further could we get if, instead, we tried to actually find the answer to the question instead of championing our pet theory as Truth?

THAT is understanding nuance. Understanding that you don’t have all of the answers, that likely NONE of us has all of the answers, and we’re all in this big, answerless boat together, trying to row our way up shit creek without a paddle. These are big, complicated issues that should definitely be talked about in big, complicated ways … so please stop spinning them as terribly simple, except for the simpletons who don’t seem to get it.

Now, on to the finale of this post …

Sixth; saying you’re revolted, disgusted, angry that people are criticising such-and-such, that is a rhetorical trick that doesn’t work any more. “You’re offended by this art? Well I am literally vomiting with outrage that you would criticise my right to enjoy it! I’m sure if you had your way I would be flayed alive in the street, and that makes you no better than Jeffrey Dahmer”.

I know you learned this trick from actual minorities, the actually maligned with actual reasons to be outraged, and I know you’ve got some good mileage out of it, but you can’t be the majority and claim to be oppressed. Real life is not Fox News. Breathe in, breathe out.

These two paragraphs disgust me so much that I honestly feel a little sick to my stomach. First, you’re completely missing the source of the anger, disgust, and revulsion. It isn’t merely that you – like everyone else in the world – has an opinion about something. It’s that you’re using that opinion as a vessel to call a whole group of people names. Sexist, misogynist, stupid, incapable of understanding privilege (this one cracks me up because understanding privilege is understanding that you can’t understand what it’s like to be a woman in the first place), emotionally bereft, rape apologists, Fox News watchers, douchey frat boys… the list goes on and on and on and on.

Why is it so hard to understand that people don’t like being called names?

I can’t stand conservatives. I can’t stand their ideology, or their beliefs, or even 20 seconds of Fox News. I can’t handle that much of MSNBC, even. Rachel Maddow was interesting to me for all of ten minutes, when I realized how tiring it was to listen to someone bitch about the world day in and day out.

But, get this. Fox News IS Real Life. So is MSNBC, CNN, and every other news show out there. You may disagree vehemently with nearly everything that they say, they may habitually flat-out lie about things, or push hyperbole to its absolute limit, but it is Real Life. More so than covers of Catwoman. More so than pictures in a D&D book. These are the assholes who actually influence people who actually go out and vote who actually make changes to what your rights are. A majority of those people think D&D means ‘Death and Dismemberment’ and Comics are those things you read on Sundays. These are the assholes who think it’s acceptable to deny you birth control after you’ve been raped. These are the assholes that actually are rape apologists. They’re not saying that rape may be acceptable in a game as a form of storytelling, or that it’s questionable as to whether or not a particular piece of artwork found in a gaming book has an impact on a young woman’s self-esteem. They’re actually saying that young women are too stupid to be allowed to have rights over what to do about their own bodies.

So, yeah, minimizing that as not “real life” is more than a little fucked up.

I know this will be branded as a ‘tone argument’, but it isn’t. The tone that you use is entirely up to you. As you can tell, my tone is rather aggressive. This same post – and many others that I’ve read like it – could easily be written in the same tone, but be a lot less hypocritical, preachy, and mean. Your choice, though. Just don’t expect a lot of joy and love when you start insulting a whole sexuality.

My Impressions of D&D Next

I have impressions of DNDNext! This is ENORMOUS! I never thought I would have impressions of DNDNext until, maybe, DNDNext is released. But now, thanks to Kiel Chenier running playtests over Google+ Hangouts, I have impressions!

I picked up the pregen halfling rogue. I named her Lizbet “Lizzy” Underfoot, and made her a garbanzo bean farmer (her background is commoner, and she has a trade). She’s sneaky (have to be when most of the predators of your crops are bigger than you) and nosy (commoner, small town gossip and all that). I’m not a big fan of halflings, so I screwed around for a little while yesterday until I found a suitable picture:

The Game

Played with:
Keil Chenier (GM)
Ed Hackett (Pudgy Elf Wizard)
Ramanan Sivaranjan (Dwarf Fighter)
Reynaldo Madrinan (Android Cleric)
Randy Marchese (Dwarf Cleric)

Our first task was to figure out where we wanted to go. There were bad lore rolls and plenty of map-based discussion before we started off toward a tower about a day’s hike away. Lizzy’s first reaction to everything is to hide, so, when we came across a pile of bones and spotted some very large cats coming toward said bones, the first thing she did was to drop down into the high grass and … hide. The rest of the party followed suit, then the fighter wrapped a meat ration around a bone, threw it in the opposite direction, and we high-tailed it away from the large kitties (stealthily).

Then, we came across a halfling waymarker in the road made of smooth stones all stacked up to look all godly like. Lizzy, being simple folk, naturally prayed (and gained advantage from her prayer!).

Later that day, back on our way, we came across a fairly large clearing with a horse-drawn carriage in it, a huge dragon skull, and two black-clad guard-like humans. The wizard made his lore roll and told us that they were non-hostile (followers of Bahamut). As the party approached the campsite, Lizzy hid behind the wizard. There was a brief bit of dialog as we discovered that 1) These guys were too dumb to be clerics, and 2) They have orders to kill anyone that got close to them. So … roll initiative!

One of the dwarves got stabbed, there was lots of swinging of weapons around, and the wizard cast pink magic missiles (I forget the correct order, I’ll take notes next time). Everyone was attacking the most aggressive of the two – the female human that was going after one of the dwarves. Lizzy had the best shot at the male human, so she took it, took a shot with her sling and… well, no more male!

The damage everyone else was doing took down the other guy, and before we knew it, combat was over. After searching the bodies of the first set of corpses (the dead people by the fire, remember them?), we found that the dead people were carrying bags of baby clothes and each had a copper ring on their finger. Correctly deducing that there must be a baby sacrifice going on, we all ran down into the dragon’s mouth.

…to find a screaming baby with curled ram’s horns, and a priestess about to dispatch said creepy looking baby. Lizzy was totally ready to beat the shit out of this lady, now, but there was conversation to be had, first, and while the crazy priestess lady was busy trying to tell us all how baby sacrifices were a GOOD thing, one of the clerics took matters into his own hands and decided to go and fetch the baby.

Roll initiative!

Lizzy’s not much for having conversations when babies are in danger. Who cares if it’s potentially a demon baby that will eat our hearts after we leave… it’s a baby, you just don’t sacrifice babies! I roll crappy initiative again. The cleric trying to get the baby gets forcibly pushed back by some magic form the priestess, then the priestess summons this 10′x10′ cube-like gooey thing and sets it on the dwarf that was trying to get the baby. It kinda ends up being in our way, sorta between us and the priestess.

I forget exactly what everyone else did and in what order from here, so this next part may be slightly jumbled, BUT … there was a lot of attacking and trying to get around the oozey, undulating, cube-like thingermerbobber. Lizzy snuck around it to go after the priestess (most everyone stuck on the priestess and let the trapped dwarf end for himself at the moment), and missed at first. The android cleric managed to grab the baby out of some sort of force field, and the undulating cubey oooze went after him. The wizard cast burning hands and singed the other dwarf, who was getting to the priestess from the other direction around the ooze. Lizzy got another bullet off, and it struck home, knocking down the priestess with a grievous wound. The android, before getting trapped by the ooze, threw the baby to the wizard, who caught it with mage hand. Then, the ooze trapped the android, who’s parts started to all sizzle. Luckily, someone reached in, grabbed the android and got him out before we lost him entirely.

Lizzy, now faced with only the ooze as the last remaining combatant, decided to first throw a dagger at it. When she lost that dagger, on the next round, she started just hacking at it – stabbity stab stab stab – between her and everybody else wailing on it, we nearly killed the thing. Then, the priestess woke up just enough to try and control the thing again only to fail and have it come eat her… in front of us… did I mention you could see through the ooze? Both ooze and priestess lady were finished off.

So, now we’re left with a horned baby and a horse and a carriage.

My Impressions:

I picked up the playtest rules on Saturday morning, and was well and ready to play by Saturday night without issue… and that was without having any desire, at all, to read them. I wanted to play Diablo 3 and screw around on the internet all day, not read game rules. I know, I know, but I’ve been sick lately, it felt tedious…

However, throughout the day I read bits and pieces here and there until I’d finished pretty darned near the whole thing. I left off anything about spellcasting, as I’m playing a rogue. As a general rule, I don’t play spellcasters anyway, I just tend to prefer more durable characters and wizards to me have always felt fragile (probably from experiences in my AD&D days). I made a mental note to go back and look at the spellcaster stuff later.

The rules were easy to digest and felt very light. I like that. I haven’t played 4e, and I have limited experience with 3.5. I ran a game a few years back that started out in AD&D 2nd, but transitioned to 3.5 partway through because I wanted to try the system (and, really, parts of it made things easier). It was a very DIY game, too, so I ignored or altered a lot of the rules that I came across, usually on the fly. This didn’t matter to the players, none of whom were anywhere near rules lawyer capacity (and most of whom hadn’t even read the book), so for the most part no one knew any better. So that’s my background. Lots of AD&D 2nd, very little after that. Never even touched a 4e book.

This, to me, read a lot like a slightly-better-defined version of the AD&D 2nd Ed rules. There’s not a lot of structure around various types of things that you can do in combat, which I think leaves a lot more room for player imagination (not that I used that much in this particular session). What I really like, though, is the advantage/disadvantage system. I got to roll advantage twice, and disadvantage once. It strikes me as an interesting chance to take when playing. “You could do that, but you’ll be at a disadvantage…” used to mean something along the lines of ‘I’m going to make the DC high, but not tell you what it is until you roll’. Which means you have no idea how much of a disadvantage you really are at. As a DM, sometimes I wouldn’t even have a number in mind, I’d just have them roll, then look at the result and decide whether or not it was good enough. This one is just a straight ‘Hey, you might get lucky’ roll – which I think makes it easier on the DM, who doesn’t have to figure out how hard it would be to do that thing, and easier on the player, who’s just taking a straight chance.

There are only two things that I’d complain about. First, my character seemed overpowered. I’m under 3′ tall, and I’m bludgeoning people to death with my sling right and left. As a rogue, I’m probably supposed to do that much damage, but it seems odd that I’m out-damaging a dwarf with a big-ass axe. Secondly, I wish they’d explained all of the stats at least on the character sheet pregens. I was boggled later when I pulled up the equipment list and saw that the sling was a 1d6 weapon, but on my sheet it states that it’s 1d8.  As well, so far as I can figure out, I should have +3 to attack, but my character sheet shows +5 to attack for both my daggers and my sling. So I’m not sure where the d6 turns into a d8 and where the +2 extra bonus comes from, though at least some of it surely comes from a racial bonus. It just would have been nice if that was at least given a little nod to on the sheet, just for clarity.

Gameplay went smoothly with little interruption, even as rusty as playing as I am, and I thoroughly enjoyed playing via Google+ Hangouts. Enough so that the next morning, I immediately hit up Tabletop Forge’s Kickstarter by backing it (you can see my backed Kickstarters on the sidebar of the blog). Kiel was a fantastic GM, and there were many great jokes and lots of nerdiness going on. I loved it, and am completely hooked. :)

I also have to say that it’s nice to get to *play* the game, rather than just run it, and I think that’s the biggest strength of hangout-based games. I think I may need to make some adjustments to my camera setup because my desk is set up a little differently than most people, and I ordered a better microphone for this, but also so that I can get something decent to record vlogs or podcasts on when I get that ambitious. Ultimately, though, there was very little missing in our virtual table that we would have had in-person, and I think Tabletop Forge goes a long, long way to not only giving you that, but also giving you so much, much more. I can’t wait to see this whole arena of gaming explode. I really feel like it’s going to.

Overall, I give the game and the session an A+. I’ll definitely play again, at least in the playtest. The bigger question… will I buy the game when it comes out? I don’t really know if I have an answer to that just yet. I’ll likely put that as a ‘probably’ answer. Probably because I have reservations over how I feel WotC is or is not pandering to particular groups. That’s really a discussion for another time but, basically, I don’t like products that feel like they were put together for a focus group rather than for an artistic vision. Games straddle the line between art and mass-consumerism constantly, and I enjoy rewarding games that don’t look like they’re trying to be all things to all people. I’m a big fan of everything being spaghetti sauce.

Unfortunately for Hasbro / WotC, they’ve already partially answered that question by pandering (in blog posts at any rate) to a minority of very vocal people who have some very specific ideas on what sort of things are “acceptable” in their games. It doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of desire to buy the game, because I already feel that it’s compromised in that direction.

On the other hand, I’m a DIYer at heart, so a lot of the pandering stuff doesn’t really apply to me. I don’t care what the characters and settings look like in the book because I create my own. I’m also not a fan of hating on something without even so much as trying it, so I’m probably guaranteed to get one or two books just to see what it’s like.

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The Worst Best 90′s Sci-Fi Movies Ever

I’m in the very early stages of designing a system neutral game setting based around this magnificently awesome futuristic WoD MUSH I ran years ago when I lived in San Francisco. I spent weeks writing out all of the history, and plotting out the entire map. It was awesome fun, and now I want to go back and update the history and retell the setting using acual modern mapping software and commissioned artwork rather than just text.

I’m thrilled beyond belief and kind of going through a brainstorming phase on what should be there, what to write, and how to flesh out what I remember. Plus, thanks to watching Buffy, I’m totally in a 90s frame of mind.

So, without further ado …. the worst best movies ever when it comes to inspiration for an awesome dark future underground city named Purgatory.

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