Diary: The Health System

DIARY: A short while ago, I had decided to apply for sickness benefits at Centrelink whilst I sort out some medical issues. This is because I wouldn’t be able to work for a few months and a regular income is essential. Sounds easy doesn’t it.

I have previously been on unemployment benefits for a few short periods and the only long period was when I was 17 and living away from home. The last time was about 8 years ago and after a few months I found a full time job which was a relief because Centrelink is HELL! I vowed never to return.

I thought the sickness allowance would be different though but there was a new problem ... my doctor! I like my doctor but his administration skills are poorly lacking. Problems usually involve his holidays where it is impossible to contact him or he doesn’t think through the needs of his patients.

Last time he went on holidays, he told me that another doctor would see me whilst he was away. When I turned up, the doctor knew nothing about it. Asking the doctor to ring the health department to authorise a permit for a month’s supply of morphine to a heroin addict was problematic enough but my 6 monthly authority had ran out as well. It finally was approved but it took an hour and the doctor was not happy. In a busy clinic, an hour for one patient means the other patients had to wait that extra time as well. As you can imagine, there were a few complaints.

 So now my doctor was going away again so I explained to him what happened last time. He said he had a better idea and told me to pick up a script in 3 weeks time which he would leave at reception for me. I did as I was told and went to the chemist as usual with the script he had pre-written. Easy. Then it all started again.

To avoid having to apply for a 30 day permit, my doctor had written 3 separate scripts for a lesser quantity to get me by until he returned in 13 days. The pharmacist (who I deal with every week) said the scripts didn’t say weekly pick up so I had to come in every day and pick up one days worth of medication at a time. He told me he knew what the doctor meant and it had always been a weekly pick up but there was nothing he could do. He suggested I ring the doctor’s clinic and get a letter authorising me to pick up weekly and until then I had to come in every day. I paid and left very unhappy.

Luckily the next day, another pharmacist told me that because we had been doing a weekly pick up for so long that he would use his discretion and allow me weekly pick ups. I asked why my regular pharmacist didn’t do the same and I was told that my regular pharmacist wasn’t sure because he wasn’t used to dealing with me. What could I say? He had ONLY been my regular pharmacist for 4 months.

But the worse was yet to come. I then had to pay for another 2 scripts as well. WTF?! So what was normally about $33 per month had to be paid 3 times ... for 13 days supply. Then when I next saw my doctor, I had to pay for another script. In total, I had to pay for 4 scripts for the month, 4 x $33. BTW, When I asked my doctor why the hell he wrote 3 separate scripts and thus 3 separate payments as well as the new script, he just shrugged and said, “oh well”.

 Back to sickness benefits. I had to resupply another medical certificate to replace an older certificate my doctor gave me, which had expired on Feb 10. I went to the doctor and he wrote another certificate. I then went to Centrelink a few days later and there were 60 people in the queue at 4.00pm. I was not going to be seen that day so I came back the next morning. After waiting 45 minutes in the queue I finally was attended to. After 15 minutes of phone calls and talking to other Centrelink employees, the person serving me said that my doctor had not filled out the dates properly so I would need to go back to him, get another medical certificate and return to Centrelink.

Oh dear god! I remembered why I vowed never to rely on Centrelink for income. Maybe I should have vowed never to return to my doctor?

Centrelink was surprisingly good without too many mistakes. It did take 3 months to get the right ID and forms filled out and they forgot to photocopy the back of some document. I wasn’t desperate for cash so it wasn’t too much of a worry. The problem is that I had to go to Centrelink 6 times so far and waiting in a queue for at least 30 minutes each visit. The other complaint is being told different things by different people. All this for $250 a week and a healthcare card. I suppose the healthcare card saves a bit considering all the medication I am on. Over all, I was happy with Centrelink. My real complaint is aimed at my doctor and the chemist. I have written about them before and I think somehow I will write about them again.

When you step back and compare the system I am complaining about to the US health and welfare system, I should count myself lucky. If I had been in the US, I would be homeless and a desperate junkie. Because of my drug history, I would be unemployable and not eligible for welfare housing. I would receive no income support and have to rely on charities for food. My SROM treatment would never had happened and I would not be able to afford methadone. A bleak picture indeed. The US mindset of avoiding “socialised medicine” at any cost is just unworkable ideology from the conservative elite. Leaving health to the business sector, insurance companies and big pharma has not worked out well for the US. For all the faults of our system, the main perpetrators that affected me were private businesses. The Medicare levy now seems like a very small price to pay.

Diary: Since Xmas

DIARY: Xmas is over and I did it without using heroin. The first time in over 11 years. Did I want to use heroin ... yes but my medication is responsible for my decision not to . This just would not have happened on methadone and everyday I am thankful to Allah/Buddah/Jimmy Page/Jesus/Yahweh & co. for being able to take SROM. Of course there is a downside. There’s always a downside and that’s one of the facts of addiction. This was the first time I have been alone for Xmas lunch. I wasn’t lonely like I thought I would be and it was only for about 4 hours or so. I was supposed to go to my brother’s Xmas lunch but I felt sick and Angela was coming home early from her family Xmas lunch. My brother was having several guests as well, many who I didn’t know very well. I really didn’t care too much being alone for Xmas lunch which is not my usual self. Xmas morning is the most important event for us. We go overboard with presents and Xmas morning we finally resolve the weeks of guessing of what’s in that box under the tree? We dress our dogs up in Santa outfits and as a reward they get ham and chocolates. The hats don’t hold very well and one of them always gets tangled up in the Santa suits but it a tradition for us. Everyone wins - our dogs get ham and we get 2 very cute little Santa dogs. I am starting to wonder about my predicament and where I am in the scheme of my addiction. I no longer crave heroin or even really think about it that much anymore. That’s a definitely an important advancement. The downside is now sleeping way too much and lacking ambition and drive. I was sleeping about 3-4 times a day for a estimated total of 10-12 hours. At least I didn’t have that ominous feeling of continuous depression that I did with methadone. I was glad to swap the day long depression with having to sleep so often. The biggest problem though is losing my drive. My need to socialise, my sex drive, work ambition etc. all suffer and many previous enjoyments are now painfully boring. I had a few days spare so I took this opportunity to learn a new computer program. I already knew the basics and the video tutorial should have been quick and easy but I could not for the life of me keep my interest up. Four times I started but after 30 minutes or so, I had to stop. I just had no interest. I started to get sick of this so I tried a few different techniques by altering my medication. I tried doubling my SRRIs (doctors suggestion) and then tried without it. I tried cutting my SROM by two tablets then by one. None of these worked. My latest trial is to cut my SROM by half a tablet per day which surprisingly had an enormous effect on me. My daily sleeping needs halved, I gained some drive but I feel signs of depression breaking through. The depression only last for a few minutes at a time so I am continuing this strategy for a while longer. It appears there is a delicate balance between the SRRIs and the morphine that determine depression versus being active. I investigated some more about morphine/opiates for depression and found that morphine has long been associated with depression treatment. To counter the lack of drive, I am going for a blood test to see if I should go on steroid treatment. My doctor jokingly said I would make the drug squad really happy if I lost my scripts and they raided my house ... morphine, steroids, injecting equipment, traces of heroin etc. etc. My main interests at the moment seem to be related to drug issues including this blog. I am an avid reader of news and current affairs so drug issues fit in well with my daily activities. As I discover more, I get a much greater ability to analyse the scope of the drug situation. This coupled with my own experience allows me a well rounded insight into the issues. I am starting to see my situation and the events that led to where I am a lot clearer now. I am beginning to better explain why people use drugs by remembering situations that involved my friends and myself. I see the peer pressure of people wanting to fit in, even into their 20s and 30s. I see more clearly now how many people took drugs simply because they wanted to. I recognise those who take drugs on special occasions or because a certain activity is much more fun under the influence. For example, drugs like speed and ecstasy are usually just extensions of drinking and having a big night out. The fact that 99% of drug users never have a major problem becomes much more obvious and I clearly see the distinct difference between drug use and drug abuse. The most enlightened subject for me though is how people perceive drug use and the politics involved. I now find that most anti-drug zealots are nothing more than a joke. It’s not those who are acting with noble intentions which is usually due to a family situation but those who purposely ignore any alternatives or evidence put before them. These people have an agenda and it’s certainly not for the benefit of others. It’s purely for selfish reasons whether it be political popularity, religious beliefs, conservative values or arrogance. The reason most people oppose Harm Minimisation or a new approach to the drug situation is because they can’t see past what they have learned through years of propaganda and misinformation. This is understandable but I find annoying are those who have a strong opinion about something they know jack-shit about. i.e. drugs. You often see these people making ridiculous statements in the News.com readers comments section. I wonder if these people would change their minds if they knew the truth or would they continue with their strong but misguided opinions. I must admit it would be hard to change your views with the amount of lies and misinformation that has bombarded us for all of our lives. The most sinister though are those who spend their life desperately trying to instil misinformation into the public psyche. They are not anti-drug heroes or pillars of society but liars, egocentrics and opportunists. Nearly 3 weeks after Xmas, I finally caved in and decided to use for the first time in about 4-5 months. As my luck would have it, my dealer's phone was off. I tried to contact another dealer but their phone was disconnected. My last hope didn’t answer when I rang. JESUS Q CHRIST!!!! Why was such a simple task so hard? Fed up, I went to my dealer’s house and he wasn’t home. I asked for his mobile number in case he had changed it but I was given the same number I already had. It was nearly dark by this time so I went home and had dinner. I tried the phone numbers again after dinner and decided to go back to my dealer’s house. When I pulled up I saw his car and I was much relieved ... finally! Knock knock. “Do you have anything?” I asked. “No, tomorrow midday”, he answered. Silly me. Why would a drug dealer have drugs? The next day, I decided not to score. I was going well with my treatment and I didn’t really need heroin. I could get by just fine without drugs. [2 hours later] After I had my hit, I noticed that my tolerance hadn’t really changed. I had .4 of a gram like usual which incidentally cost $150. The quality was exactly the same as it had been for the last 5 years or so. What I did notice though was how calm I felt for the next 4-5 hours. The effect didn’t drop off after 15 minutes like it usually did but it also wasn’t as potent in the initial rush. I felt good. I didn't experience the usual guilt associated with blowing so much money on drugs. I had gone so long without and I almost felt proud of this. Was I making excuses for myself or was it justified? That's what I need to work out. Will it be another 4-5 months before I use again? I am hoping at least that long but the memories of my last hit were fresh in my mind. I decided to give my EFT card to Angela for the next few weeks just in case.

Diary: Is My Pharmacist Committed?

DIARY: Some chemists are notorious for the treatment of methadone patients. And I have had my share of run ins with arrogant pharmacists who feel methadone patients are somehow less important than other customers. But the switch to another medication meant I was a normal customer again, away from the stigma of being just another junkie on methadone. Well, I was wrong...

I am guessing most methadone patients have had the frustrating experience of waiting in line for service only to be overlooked when a regular customer comes to the counter. I am also guessing that many methadone patients have found themselves at odds with the pharmacist on at least one occasion. If you happen to pick the wrong chemist, it can cause methadone patients much, unneeded grief which often erupts into an outburst of frustration and anger. The chemist gladly informs their 2nd rate customer that they are off the program. The ex customer has to then find another chemist, which is usually for the best in the long run.

That all changed for me when I switched to SROM ... well I thought it did. Not having to go to the special counter for methadone patients was a big bonus and I was treated as regular customer who was just receiving a normal prescription. So I thought at first.

My script is presented monthly and I pick up weekly. I had some extra medication at the start so I could come in a few days late if I was unable to get to the chemist on time. I usually pick up Thursday evenings for the following week but sometimes I would leave it until Friday or Saturday and I would just receive a week’s worth of medication. One day that all changed with a different pharmacist. The pharmacist decided that my weekly pick up started on the day I came in and since I was one day late, I would be short a day. She explained the script said “pickup dose every 7 days”. She knew it was a technicality and since my doctor was on holidays, she couldn’t ring him. I finally sorted it out with the owner and I agreed to come in every Thursday to keep it simple. My doctor also changed my script to say “weekly pickup” so I could come in any day within the week.

I stuck to the Thursday agreement but this week I was at a funeral and I forgot to pick up my dose. I came in the next morning as soon as the chemist opened but agian was told that my week now started on Friday instead of Thursday. I was furious and stormed out. I came back to point out the new script but the pharmacist just casually flopped over to the counter sucking on a lollipop and slapped the prescription down without saying a word. I showed her the new wording but she didn’t even respond. I was a customer for fuck’s sake but a junkie is a junkie and I wasn’t worthy of customer status.

I rang the owner but he couldn’t get his head around the days. He said that if i got my medication on Friday, next Thursday would only be 6 days. I said that shouldn’t matter as we had been through this before all I wanted was to pick up my meds on Thursdays like usual. He got mixed up with days and numbers and kept repeating the same illogical outcomes even though he agreed he was wrong only 30 seconds before. His final solution was come in on Thursday as normal and he will just give me 6 days worth to get it back in line. WTF? One mixed up chemist!

It was so simple. I have a one day buffer which means I have my last dose Thursday morning, pickup my script that night and start the next morning, Friday. I have the buffer because I take my dose before 7am so it kicks in by 9am otherwise I am in massive pain and start withdrawal. If I have to wait until the chemist opens at 9am, I am not getting my meds working until 11am-12pm.

I asked them to ring my doctor but somehow this was not an option anymore. Can you picture an insulin patient having to miss a day because they came in a day late? What about someone on medication for a heart attack? A day early is different but this is after the due date. Originally they stated that the script specifically said that medication was every 7 days but when I purposely had the script changed to clear this problem up it wasn’t the issue anymore. They conveniently changed their mind that this was the reason.

Funny enough, I used to come in late one or two days for the first few months and nothing was even mentioned, until I got the pharmacist from hell. Why was I treated with suspicion but they still wouldn’t ring my doctor? I was doing fine coming in every Thursday but one day I come in Friday morning and my medication gets pushed back a day. The pharmacist treated me like shit and this just would not happen with other customers.

I approached another chemist near by and they said they would be happy to treat me as a customer regardless of when I came in. As long as my script said “weekly pickup” and I didn’t come in earlier than the due day, it was up to me when I picked up my medication. I asked them to ring my doctor to make sure but they said it wasn’t necessary because they understood the logic of “weekly pickup”. I wonder what a customer of 10 years has to do to get treated like I was. It all came down to one junior pharmacist and the owner who couldn’t do the maths in his head. One phone call to my doctor would have cleared it all up.

Just as I was getting my life together, I get let down by my doctors and then the chemist. I have enough problems to deal with! It seems that addiction warrants others to put you through extra misery without consideration for being a person with needs and feelings. There are very few positive experiences being an addict with depression and it is extremely upsetting when your only relief, your medication is unnecessarily interfered with. It is easy to become cynical when it happens regularly whilst having the public consider you less than human as well.

Many methadone patients (including myself) have become loud and angry when obvious discrimination occurs and usually it results in punitive action which only inflames the patient even more. I’ve seen it dozens of times at pharmacies especially certain ones that seem to thrive on acting superior to the patient. No one can really understand until they have been through it and I don’t wish it on anyone. I have never heard one single methadone patient ever ask for anything more than being treated the same as everyone else. Is that too much to ask? ... and people wonder why there are relapses.

For more horror stories, visit A.T. Watchdog. If you think we have it bad in Australia, try the US.

Diary: Are My Doctors Committed?

DIARY: Something happened the other day which made me re-evaluate the commitment of the doctors handling my treatment. I have been regularly reporting on my switch from methadone to Slow Release Oral Morphine (SROM) and the vast changes it has made to my life. Prior to switching over, I was desperate to try anything to fight off the massive depression I got from methadone, which prompted my doctor to refer me to a pharmacotherapist. Since morphine is not on the list of medications that can be used to treat heroin addiction, a special application to the health department was made for a permit. This changed my life but my tolerance levels were at risk of rising and I would have to find a suitable level to meet my requirements for pain, addiction and depression. As expected, my tolerance increased and I needed to up my dose. I had mentioned previously in another post.

Now that my tolerance is rising, I need my dosage to increase which is common for long term morphine patients. I was told flat out that I would need to see the pharmacotherapist again to get another recommendation, return to my doctor and he can then make another submission to the health department. All this will take about a month. [Link]

Well, it has now turned into 2 months and all for nothing because my pharmacotherapist has denied the increase to meet my tolerance levels. From the start, it has been a cock up from a lack lustre attitude and a complete disregard for my well being. About 2 months ago I went to my usual monthly appointment and explained that the SROM wasn’t working as well. My doctor informed me that I needed an increase but he was going on holidays for 3 weeks and he could only apply for an increase of half of what I needed without a further consultation with the pharmacotherapist. Since he had to apply to the health department for a permit, it would take a day or two so he wouldn’t be available to process it anyway. This was a dilemma which meant I would be under dosed for this period and still have to see the pharmacotherapist for my increase. He told me to ‘hang in there’ until he got back but in the meantime, go and see the pharmacotherapist so he could organise the permit and act on it immediately when he returned from holidays. I asked if I needed another referral and he said no. He explained that he had already provided one previously for my first visit and I could just ring and book an appointment. Of course my doctor was wrong and they would not see me until my doctor returned and gave me a written referral. I explained the urgency but the pharmacotherapist would not see me again and I couldn’t even pre-book the appointment until I had seen my doctor first. I was getting worst every day and this news pushed me further into a growing depression. After 3 weeks, my doctor returns from holidays and I finally got to see him. He gave me a referral (which he must fax as well), and then I have to wait another 8 days to see the pharmacotherapist. Once I see him, I will then have to go back to my doctor and then wait for the approval and then get my increased medication. incidentally, my doctor didn’t fax the referral which I only found out later. Well, the pharmacotherapist doesn’t want to increase my dose. Although I was told by my doctor that my tolerance would probably rise, he was still concerned that it did. He completely ignored the difference SROM had made to my life and wasn’t interested in trying an increase. He seemed suspicious that I might be diverting my meds and I was required to do a urine test, although he didn’t say it directly. He also mentioned that I haven’t seen the D & A councillor so I informed him that I had rang to book an appointment but he said I am not required to see him if it didn’t suit me. This point was raised to my doctor for some reason and he asserted that I had done something wrong. His final assessment was that he needed to think on it and speak with my doctor so he asked me to push back my doctors appointment from two days to a week so he can consult with him. I was now heading towards where I was when on methadone and the fact that my life had improved greatly on SROM was somehow not as important. I wasn’t sure if my dose would be increased and I had a week to sweat it out. I still felt confident though because my doctor recommended it in the first place and was prepared to increase it as much as he could except his holidays got in the way. Eight weeks later, I finally get to see my doctor for the increased dose but he seems confused. The pharmacotherapist hadn’t rang him or even sent a letter like he usually does and I start to wonder why I had to push back my doctor’s appointment. All very unprofessional. A quick phone call to the pharmacotherapist by my doctor and ... yep, you guessed it ... no increase. I am about to breakdown as the chance of a semi-normal life has just been taken from me in a phone call. My doctor doubles my Aropax (non opiate) dosage and after a short discussion is standing at the door, holding it open for me to leave so he can see his next patient. I hadn’t even noticed him get up as I was in the middle of explaining the panic I was feeling. I felt abandoned. What was I supposed to do now? His solution was, ‘just see how you go’. WTF? I have been doing this for nearly two months and somehow my problem might just get better. I left the doctor’s surgery very bitter and scared about the future. The series of events raises some important issues. Are the doctors scared they will reprimanded by the health department? Are they really doing the best for me, the patient? Have they really considered what effect being under dosed will have on me? Being under dosed is scary when you have an addiction and might ultimately lead to self medicating. That usually means heroin. I have been coping so far but unless something is done, I fear I will have no alternative but to seek relief from heroin. My days are getting longer and the pain is becoming much more of an issue. I am also starting to get the ‘doomsday’ type depression again that leaves me with mild - mid level panic attacks. I am seeing my doctor next week so again, I have to wait until he has reviewed the written report from my pharmacotherapist. It’s hard work!

Diary: Methadone vs. Morphine Opinion

DIARY: As you probably know, I am on SROM(slow release oral morphine) now instead of methadone and it’s amazing the difference it makes to my life. The problem is that my tolerance is growing slowly as my body adapts to the opiates. It took me years to get my methadone levels right and even then I changed it at least twice a year. So I went to the doctor and he gave me a long story about the health department and schedule 8 drugs.

Morphine cannot be prescribed to anyone for the treatment of addiction. I already know this and my prescription is primarily to manage my pain. For a heroin addict like myself who was on methadone, morphine is usually a big no-no and it took an application from a pharmacotherapist, the OK of a D & A counsellor and permission from my doctor to get a permit from the health department. Now that my tolerance is rising, I need my dosage to increase which is common for long term morphine patients. I was told flat out that I would need to see the pharmacotherapist again to get another recommendation, return to my doctor and he can then make another submission to the health department. All this will take about a month. My doctor explained that he thought it was ridiculous and was not impressed with the circumspection of the health department.

So what are my options over the next month? I already use heroin once a month and I don’t want to increase that but I can’t think of any alternatives. These are the silly illogical policies that I am faced with. If they are so paranoid about me abusing drugs, why make it so hard to obtain legal medication? They must know there is no alternative except for magically just getting through this period. Jeepers.

I am convinced SROM should be an alternative for methadone. My doctor’s first words to me the other day were, “How’s it going ... I bet you’re doing a lot better now?”. And he was right. I know some countries use SROM but why it isn’t used more often is a shame. It’s understandable though as the fear of diversion must be overwhelming for the authorities. The fear that a tiny percentage might hock their medication must terrify them. A long term addict like myself needs their meds and would not risk going through the cycle of rise-money-score-sleep again. Long term addicts are the small percentage who have tried everything to quit but have some medical issue stopping them. I realise the importance of stability and the daily ritual of stabilising with substitution treatment is the only thing keeping my life together. 3 months ago I was ready to give up, now I am getting back into the swing of life. The reason is simply a different medication - SROM.

Diary: What It Could of Been Like - Quarantining Welfare Payments

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DIARY: Yesterday I copped the wrath of Tim Blair's slimy fanclub after Blair highlighted a spelling mistake on this blog.

It was a bit distressing especially when some cruel comments were made about the death of my previous wife. The guys at Grods have written a great piece about and it if you want to know more - Story link. The worse part was how distracting it was. I had an urgent job to finish by the next day and we were redoing our garden so I had Mrs Terry screaming at me to help. It was hard to get focussed.

Apart from the usual comments you would expect from a site like Blair's, I started getting some nasty and oddly directed insults.

A thing called Amos came here and proceeded to tell me that I'm an utter, utter fuckup. It continued with what you would expect from those with no connection to the problem. "I wonder how he’d be viewed in Singapore, or Iran" and in reference to methadone patients, "They treat the truth with disdain and make lying an art form". There were some nasty comments belittling the death of my wife including one made by an actual moderator of Blair's blog.

I don't usually pay that much attention to Tim Blair because ... face it, he's boring. His style of writing one or two lines with as much innuendo as he can fit in is just , well, boring. Also most of the Blairites are just bozzos. Hardcore bigots and Howard apologists who have little or no respect for anyone. Often they are violent or threatening especially the American readers.

What this incident did do though, was highlight exactly why I have this blog. Drug addiction is not as straight forward as it is portrayed. Ignorance is bliss for most and they are much happier towing the line with simple and mindless policies like "Tough on Drugs". The responses were highly opinionated and without substance. They presumed they knew the 'whats' and 'whys' of my situation and made bizarre comments from their presumptions. Funnily enough, if they had read my blog, it was all there for them. As with most posts, some comments were valid opinions, some weren't and some were bizarre. The difference here is that some comments were disgusting. Pity they're not my target audience because my site stats went through the roof.

I really want to thank those who posted supportive comments or the dozens of emails that were sent to me. Special thanks to Carrie, Ronny & Kim and Editor, Ant and the others at Grods.

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What It Could of Been Like - Quarantining Welfare Payments

I found this proposed drug policy from the coalition from before the election. I am not sure if this is still current but it's a taste of what was to come. It's scary stuff and was probably the start of the decline of Harm Minimisation in Australia.

Coalition Government Proposed Drug Policy

Quarantining Welfare Payments

A re-elected Coalition Government will introduce compulsory welfare quarantining for people who have been convicted of criminal drug offences involving hard drugs. Drug abuse remains one of the most serious social problems confronting Australian society.

To address the problem of welfare payments being used to buy illicit drugs, a re-elected Coalition Government will quarantine 100 per cent of welfare payments to people convicted of criminal drug offences involving hard drugs such as heroin, cocaine and amphetamines. This will ensure that all Australian Government welfare payments to which 6,000 convicted drug criminals may be entitled will no longer be paid in cash directly to the welfare recipient. The quarantined welfare payments will be managed by Centrelink or non-government organisations, as happens currently under our Financial Case Management policy for people who have serious welfare breaches. Specialist Financial Case Managers will ensure that welfare payments are only spent on rent, food, clothing, medicines and other essential needs. While this will not reduce the total amount of welfare payments, it will ensure that welfare payments will not be able to be spent on illicit drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.

Quarantining of welfare payments will be for a minimum of 12 months, but may be extended if new criminal drug convictions are recorded during the quarantining period. Welfare recipients who are convicted of criminal drug offences will also be eligible for immediate referral to appropriate rehabilitation services and allied health services to help them overcome their drug problems.

A re-elected Coalition Government will negotiate with the States and Territories to provide Centrelink with details of persons who have been convicted of criminal drug offences in their courts. Centrelink will identify welfare recipients who have a drug conviction and will then contact the welfare recipient to arrange an initial interview to discuss the ongoing Financial Case Management of their welfare payments. Monthly interviews with Financial Case Managers will ensure that essential bills are paid regularly.

These arrangements will be applied to all welfare payments made by the Australian Government to a person with a conviction for hard drugs such as heroin, cocaine and amphetamines. The Coalition will consider extending this policy to people convicted of criminal offences related to other drugs, including cannabis, in light of experience in implementing this phase of the policy. Legislation will be required. This measure will take effect from December 2008 and will apply to anyone convicted from that date.

This measure will cost $20 million to 2010-11 and will involve the financial case management of welfare payments for up to 6,000 convicted drug criminals a year who do not have custodial sentences.

Diary: Adapting

DIARY: The battle to balance my days is getting easier as I adapt to morphine instead of methadone. I no longer get the slight 'high' I got from methadone and is the hardest part to adapt to. This gave me a full morning to work solidly before the depression sets in. This slight 'high' is the equivalent of what most people call normal. I don't have that morning reprieve anymore but my afternoons are no longer hell. One bonus is I don't feel the need to use heroin as much. I have gone nearly 2 weeks without it since I went through a bad patch of using when I first moved over to morphine. I am going to use this weekend and I have to admit, I can't wait. After that I am going to reduce to once a month and then once every 2 months. One of the biggest worries for junkies is money. Even though I work, the depression and some personal problems has made me use for short periods where I have wasted savings, blown large payments or borrowed to fund the using. This always puts financial pressure on us at a later date. The move to morphine from methadone had me using too much and now without any significant income for the last month, it is getting very uncomfortable. Luckily though a few big projects have dropped and this week starts a good period for me. Over the several few months, I should be clearing some nice dollars and will get my financial state back in order. A few people have emailed me about my morphine dose so I hope this answers any future queries. If you are given morphine for pain, you get dosed at about 10mg. For people suffering terminal illnesses, that dose slowly goes up as you tolerance increases and the pain gets worse. For others, morphine is highly addictive so the withdrawal process is very much a reason not to prolong treatment or increase the dosage too much. If you get addicted, you're a junkie and there are many people who never used heroin until they were treated with morphine. An average size person could take about 10-30mg as their first dose but anything over that would probably kill them. I take 600mg+ each day which just stops me going into withdrawal like methadone would. For those who don't know, substitution treatment just replaces heroin with another opiate. I am still addicted to opiates but heroin carries such a social stigma that some governments will do anything to avoid giving out heroin as treatment. Opiates incidentally are relatively non toxic and I could safely take heroin/morphine 3 times a day for the rest of my life with no physical damage. Heroin is like Aspirin in that it is being rediscovered. Once demonised and removed from nearly every countries' PBS(except a few countries like England), heroin is now starting to become a potential miracle drug for depression and drug addiction. Addicts who have been given free medical quality heroin in 8 different countries has proved without doubt the it is the most effective drug to get addicts clean. One day heroin will be prescribed to heroin addicts in most countries except maybe the US. This would be the end of heroin epidemics and the illegal heroin trade which would allow millions of addicts to live normal productive lives and drop crime by an estimated 25% on average per country.

Diary: Some Cheap Advice

Diary: I have been very quiet at writing on the personal front lately due to my new treatment. I also thought more people would be interested in 'news' so I tried to keep that as the focus of my posts. Amazingly, I have had heaps of 2 emails asking me for personal experiences. No idea why as I am sure they have enough problems of their own to deal with. I mentioned last week that I am now on morphine instead of methadone and it is really taking it's toll. Man, the depression is killing me. At least on methadone, my mornings were good but morphine just keeps flat all day. I have no idea how anyone gets high on this stuff because I feel nothing ... not a thing. It holds me like methadone but there's certainly no so called 'euphoria'. Lately though I have started to get more of a balance and hopefully I will have it sorted over the next week. I have picked up a few tips to feel better. I have never relied on anything but medication before to get me through so this is new to me as well. Sleeping: When I start to feel flat - I go to bed. Yep 10 - 30 minutes does wonders. Walking: I try to walk my dogs every night now and since it's March, the weather is spectacular(Australia anyway). I have started to walk mornings as well. Just 10 minutes does it and it's a good start to the day. Coffee: A cheap legal 'pick me up'. Heroin: When all else fails. Before my current treatment, I planned my usage to act like a reward. I would set a certain day I could use and if I started to falter, I would talk myself around it knowing that the day was coming that I could use. I started at once weekly and got to once every six weeks. This worked well and I got my methadone to a fairly low dose. Unfortunately the depression set in and everything changed. If I wasn't predisposed to opiates and I had no depression, I might have been clean by now. It's also a great way to save or put money away for when the day comes.

Diary: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!

DIARY: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!! I have been pissed off all day, nagging fuckers of clients, other fuckers not paying me and useless fucking MS Word. I finally do the stupidest thing I could do and borrow $150 and score. Oh yeah, some relief from this fucked up day. But I wasn't going to have any sort of day no matter what! I can't shoot straight and I'm hacking up my arm ... I can't see if I'm getting a vein or not because the syringe is starting to fill with blood. In panic, I rip the needle out and blood oozes out all over my arm, dripping on the floor. I rip my tourniquet off and quickly tie my other arm and start pumping my fist. I try again but I can't see if I am hitting a vein or not. Sweat is now in my eyes and I am even more desperate to get this shit into me. 'Get the FUCK in', I yell. I know it's not going in right and I can see a small bulge popping up. 'FUCK FUCK'. I plunge it in a dozen different ways. Is this it?. Is this it?. I push harder and half way through, it starts to bulge again. More plunging into this bloody spot and out of patience I just plunge the rest when I think I have even the slightest chance of getting that vein. In the end at least half goes into somewhere in my arm it shouldn't and I think I got some into a vein. Whose fucking knows? I have a huge lump on my arm amongst the blood and sweat, my other arm is bleeding on my shirt ... 'FUCK!!!' I scream ... Fuck you. Why can't I just be happy on methadone? Why can't I just keep dropping my dose to nil? Why the fuck, why? I just realised I am in tears. I'm not sure why, I just am. I should be happy I had something at all but I,m not ... I'm never really happy. Even if I'm high, at the back of my mind is guilt. This has to stop ... it has to fucking stop. In 90 seconds I have blown $150 and I am in the most depressed and angry state of mind possible. Good job, Terry. Tomorrow is what I am now dreading. The drone in my head. The drone that lets me know that I now need to repay $150 I can't afford... This is what my life is like sometimes. Though it may sound horrible and degrading, it's doesn't bother me until I write about it - probably why I never do it in front of anyone. I really hate it and I see no end in sight. I don't want to be injecting myself with street made heroin to avoid a melt down or worse, to get some normality out of my life.

Diary: A few Hours of Normality

Diary:

Well it's Sunday morning and the soothing feeling I am having is being interrupted by bursts of depression. Not a blunt thud or a clear on/off of my feelings but more like a cold chill taking 5-10 seconds that actually makes me shiver for a brief second or two. The methadone then kicks back in quickly and I wait for the next chill. This cycle takes about 30 minutes until the chill is permanent. The depression is not as bad once it settles as the switching between feeling normal and feeling flat emphasises the flatness, now it's just one continuing low.

Anyway I have time to finish this, have a few coffees and prepare mentally for another day.

Diary: That Dark Feeling

DIARY: I woke as normal feeling a bit flat, thought about how heroin would make me feel better and then got on with the day. I had so much work to catch up on and the pressure of only one paying job made my work laborious. By mid morning I felt even worse and I noticed my methadone had not really kicked in so when luchtime came around, any normality that I was going to experience for the day had definitely gone. I eagerly made lunch hoping that some food and an episode of Bill Mayer's Real Time might pick me up. It didn't except for the funny moments in Real Time and I went back to work after 15 minutes. I thought maybe pouring through the online newspapers might inspire me but that was the worse idea I had. I went to the Herald-Sun and waiting for me was a huge police mugshot of Wayne Carey and some headline about Carey's fall from grace or the shame Carey had brought on himself. It was just sickening ... so much hyped up moralising and typical media parenting from some bunch of holy noble knobs. Then Andrew Bolt ... man he's a fuckhead ... always antagonising, always moralising, always looking for an angle, forever obdurate. Cynical of anyone thoughtful or clever, demoralising those who want to fix this crumby world and give it some shine, always on the lookout for those naive losers who feel we need to balance our natural resources. How depressing. Next newspaper, there's Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church wanting to picket Heath Ledger's funeral with "He's in Hell" banners. There's The Daily Telegraph wanting to explain dual diagnosis / mental health and drug addiction in a few paragraphs that will help Amy Winehouse get better. There's bozzo, Christine Nixon dribbling about something else that makes no sense but somehow a few of the newspapers turn it into a national referendum question. Oh stop right now ... no more. Things did get worse during the day but finally I was able to get some medication. I don't care about cutting back anymore just like I don't care about dropping my methadone. If I had the money I would simply go off methadone and use heroin. My life would become so much more manageable and the dark feeling of depression would be replaced with a level of normality that I crave for so bad.

Diary: Dirty Hits

Diary:

I had a hit last night. Mmm a nice and yummy shot of heroin cut with god knows what, made in some dubious jungle laboratory in Burma. It was great, I felt dreamy for about 1 minute and then I felt human for the rest of the evening.

Today though... urrrr. I get this every time now I use heroin. I get hot/cold and feel like shite. The only cure is sleep, so I slept on and off until nearly 4pm today. My dealer says it's a dirty hit but I cleaned everything very carefully, washed my hands etc. I now get scared every time I use ... more shit to deal with!

Morphine instead of Methadone? and Alan Jones is Right(For Once)

I am so sick of methadone!

I had to put up my dose by 10ml to 70ml just to get some relief. Relief came for a few days but it's gone again. The screaming need for some peace in my life has been unbearable lately. I cannot work properly, I wake up every few hours at night and then fall asleep in front of computer which makes me so tired the next day and I cannot work properly again. 

I need to get high ... extra methadone or heroin.

I need the feeling of normality that opiates bring me. I know I am never going to get that initial buzz but to be honest, that's not what I'm after. I want to feel ... anything remotely normal, like other folks who get it naturally, who don't have to pay for it. Sure, I'll take the initial 5-15 minutes of the heroin buzz as a bonus but that's not enough. I want to know I can have another dose during the day. Dream on, Terry.

Replacement Treatment Using Morphine? I noticed at the International Center for Advancement of Addiction Treatment (ICAAT) website, that listed under opiate addiction treatments for Australia, it classes morphine as a treatment. I went to my doctor who prescribes my methadone and asked him if that was true. He was unaware that it was a legal treatment in Australia and told me that no opiates could be prescribed just for the treatment of addiction except the usual suspects, methadone and buprenorphine. Anyway, he wrote me a referral for a specialist mentioning morphine as a possible alternative to methadone. This specialist deals with "pharmacotherapy patients with significant medical, psychiatric and/or psychosocial problems". I have an appoinment in a few weeks. I will keep you updated.

A Glimmer of Hope

Did you know Alan Jones, the ultra conservative shock jock from 2GB actually supports a heroin trial. Yes, back im 1988, he publicly spoke about how he was wrong condoning a trial and the current tough approach was not working. I wonder why John Howard didn't take his advice on this one?

A Glimmer Of Hope  was found on Family Drug Support's website. FDS is a fantastic organisation run by veteran reformer and all round good guy,Tony Trimingham.

Diary: Depression

DIARY: Most mornings, I wake up feeling like crap. My ribs ache, my back hurts and I feel flat. Very flat. I sit on the bed for a minute and think of heroin then I push myself to move on and think about my day. My day is the same everyday. Get up and drive Angela, my partner to work, go to the chemist for my methadone then come home. Make coffee, feed my cuties (my dogs) and the cat. Then work. I do this 7 days a week except weekends where I don't have to drive Angela to work. Also on weekends, I watch my downloaded TV shows first thing in the morning whilst waiting for my methadone to kick in. At the moment it's Prison Break on Saturday and Bones/Desperate Housewives on Sunday. Today is particularly bad. I am waiting for some money from a client and I hurt all over. Angela senses something is up but she knows there is nothing she can do. "Are you all right?" "Yup" Usual Q&A. I worked all morning on a job that was paid for months ago. I get a lot of this. I finish a job but the client wants a few changes. If I like the client and they are a small business or low budget government organisation, I do it for free. Often though it goes on for months and I am increasingly get more of these situations. Later in the afternoon, I check my bank account and the clients payment has gone through! Oh yeah!, I think ... Fuck this, I gotta get normal. So I go and score. $150 for .4 of a gram. That's more than the price of gold. Anyway I come home and go through the ritual. Close the blinds, mix up, shoot up. No music so I can concentrate on getting some sort of high. It never comes. I just feel normal for about 20 minutes. Then the come down... reality. I just blew $150.