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satire

20 Jan 2012

The Truth About The Internet

By Ben Pobjie

thrones

Wouldn't it be nice if the internet shut up for a while? Sure, Ben Pobjie believes in freedom of speech - but imagine how pleasant things would be if we actually got internet censorship right

You may have noticed, recently, something of a brouhaha blowing up on the so-called "world wide internet". For a whole 24 hours, several websites shut themselves down, including Wikipedia, throwing the world into disarray, leaving millions in the shadows of hapless ignorance, and causing me to suffer a humiliating defeat in a game of "Name that You Can’t Do That On Television cast member".

It was a powerful demonstration of the influence the internet has on the world, and of how 90 per cent of the Western world now sees every single event that happens anywhere as an opportunity for a Twitter meme.

Why did Wikpedia shut down? Too much vandalism on Christopher Pyne’s page? Well, maybe in part, but the main reason was as a protest against proposed new laws in the US, the SOPA laws, designed to fight internet piracy. The claim is that, by attempting to fight piracy, these laws would in fact place unacceptable restrictions on freedom of speech and the free interchange of ideas between the netizens of the world.

OK. Now look. I am as great a believer in freedom of speech as the next News Ltd columnist, and I have no wish to be infringing on all of your Facebooks and webcomics and Chatroulettes. Live and let live, is my motto. But I feel like affairs have reached a pass that compels me to speak out. There is something I simply have to say right now, and right here:

Internet, it is time for you to shut the hell up.

I’m serious. I know the internet is a place for people to get together and communicate and exchange views and share information, but surely there is a limit, and surely we are past it. Surely we can’t go on like this, trudging hopelessly into the teeth of this savage blizzard of opinion and outrage and cyber-bullying and animated gifs. Surely it is, in fact, time to pull back and start restricting internet freedom, lest our very humanity be sucked into the maelstrom.

Let’s look at the response to these anti-piracy laws. People on the internet twisted up their panties, jumped up and down and squealed like castrated pixies over them, saying no, we don’t want no stinking anti-piracy laws. But what does that tell you? If you’re not anti-piracy, you are, by definition, pro-piracy. You are in favour of piracy. You are quite happy for pirates to go on pirating, waving their cutlasses, lighting their beards, and distributing new episodes of Game of Thrones without the slightest piece of permission, while Sean Bean has to supplement his income by fighting drunks in the street for pennies because nobody will pay for his shows. Quite happy for that to happen, are the pro-pirates.

Quite happy for Michael Bay to sell his children to pay the bills because Transformers 3 was on the torrents before it came out at the cinema. Quite happy to cyber-sodomise Coldplay with extreme prejudice. They don’t call them "pirates" because they enjoy daring swordfights and complicated supernatural plots, guys: they are bad people who care nothing for laws or social conventions, seeking only to terrorise the seas of the professional entertainment industry, and ransack the treasures of modern culture.

But here we are, defending these scurrilous buccaneers and trying to make piracy acceptable. We have lost our moral compass. We have become utterly deranged, morally, emotionally and intellectually, by this "internet" that now rules our lives.

The internet seemed such a wondrous invention when it first came along. It would change the world for the better, we thought. But the internet got greedy. It exceeded its terms of reference. It stopped being useful and became an all-consuming beast, devouring and destroying all that came within its orbit.

When the internet was invented, it was intended for two very clear, very simple purposes: tasteful amateur pornography and abusive arguments about science fiction television shows. And it fulfilled those purposes excellently, and grew and blossomed — indeed the amateur pornography on offer today is of a higher quality than ever, and today’s nerd always has a safe haven in which to completely lose his mind.

But sadly the internet has grown to encompass uses it was simply not meant for. Like politics, for example — do you really think the brave pioneers who created the internet ever thought it would be used to allow people to sign up for Scott Morrison’s newsletter? Did those gentle programmers ever foresee such atrocity being made of their theoretically peaceful creation? Did they ever think "Two girls, one cup" would ever mean something more than a poorly constructed brassiere for conjoined twins? They did not, and I’m sure when they look at the havoc their invention has wrought, they must wish they had taken an axe to that first crude wooden prototype, and never invented the internet at all, such is the foul blasphemy it has become.

Such horrors as the modern net provides would not have been dreamed of in happier days. If you had told Leonardo Da Vinci that one day the internet would allow millions of people around the world to send pictures of distended anuses to each other, he would have said, "What’s the internet?" Because he was an idiot. I mean, you’d think he could have made an educated guess from the context, right? But that’s my point — the internet has dumbed us all down so much that we are in grave danger of soon becoming every bit as stupid as Leonardo Da Vinci.

And you know that’s the way it’s going. The internet now is a seething snakepit of stupidity, a morass of morons, a ravening Sarlacc which feeds on the screaming pigmen of human intelligence and spits out the bare white bones of idiocy.

For today we see not intelligent debate, informed discourse, or reasoned analysis. We see nothing but incoherent gurgling and misspelled invective rendered in all caps. Nobody wishes to enlighten themselves, to elevate their minds, to engage in pleasant conversation about the upcoming council elections or which Stargate is the best. Everyone just wants to fight, to call each other Nazis and communists without a care in the world.

Why bother reading a book, or taking a woodwork course, when you can "log on" to your "smartphone" and compare a complete stranger unfavourably to a diseased foreskin because they thought "over-generous" was a better term than "excessive" to describe automotive subsidies? Why bother going for a game of beach cricket or flying a kite with the kids, when you can write a blog post demanding that anyone who likes Star Wars Episode 1 should be hung from a lamppost and shot? Why bother going to church when you can deliberately force someone to watch a Rick Astley video out of nothing but meanspiritedness? Why bother doing anything, when you can — if you’ll excuse my French — herpy derp derp derp?

I’m afraid, people, the internet has a hold of our brains and our hearts, and is gradually tearing them apart. And as in most problematic social situations, there is one solution only: censorship. We need to crack down and get rid of all the filth, the abuse, and the downright rudeness that pollute our beloved web. We need strong, effective, snooty laws that will stop the mind rot from progressing any further.

First, we ban any sites that encourage strong passions and argumentation, such as Twitter, Facebook, the Huffington Post or Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP. Next, we ban any sites that include pictures of smiling politicians. And finally, we ban computers altogether. Because if you don’t have a computer, you can’t use it to call someone a cocksmoking donkey rapist. You’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way, by cutting letters out of That’s Life, instead. Good, honest, hard-working abuse, not the lazy sniping we get nowadays thanks to the mad tinkering of "science".

Change has to begin at the grassroots. Take the first step, readers. As soon as you’ve finished reading this article and signing up as a financial supporter of New Matilda, turn your computer straight off, get out your most fragrant stationery, and write a letter to:

The Department of Computer Internets and Electric Tubes
3 Canberra Road, Canberra.

Demand an end to internet stupidity. Demand an end to viciousness and peer-to-peer Twilight slashfic. Demand an end to computerised buffoonery. And most of all, demand an end to news and opinion websites that don’t give me money.

Quills at the ready, people. The revolution will not be YouTubed.

Discuss this article

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Olivier
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 12:17PM

The interporn is really being polluted by all this
disappointing political opinion.
My donkey slapping sessions are forever being interrupted
by unneccesary and unsolicited non-sexy messages and sites.
Let’s keep the interporn pure(ly sexual). hahahaha…

captnbli
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 2:37PM

Very poor article, really. It doesn’t question whether the legislation is really what it purports to be, which in fact, it is not. Once the “if you’re not anti-piracy you’re pro-piracy” argument is shot down, the rest makes no sense.

The US already has perfectly adequate anti-piracy laws. These proposed laws are impractical and draconian and foolish. If you knew anything about them you would agree.

And the “savage blizzard of opinion and outrage and cyber-bullying and animated gifs” is nothing to do with piracy. Really.

Regards,
 The Captn

meski
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 2:37PM

Ben ben ben. Have you never google-cache searched? All of wikipedia was available there. (yes, satire, I know)

Re internet prawn, well, yawn, I *do* live in Canberra… But the goatse sites are too much even for a jaded canberra-ite.

http://xkcd.com/351/

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BPobjie
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 3:02PM

captnbli, you have shown me up in a most comprehensive way. With head bowed, I shuffle off for punishment.

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BPobjie
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 3:03PM

I considered google-cache searching, meski, but then I thought “for a whole 24 hours, Wikipedia was available just like every other day” lacked pithiness.

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Marigae
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 3:12PM

Wierd views…the first : ‘But what does that tell you? If you’re not anti-piracy, you are, by definition, pro-piracy.’ Sorry?
The second is this idea that Internet, as TV before, dragged us out of the wonder of interactions. This is confusing the instrument and the intention. People who use this refuge may have found another refuge. People like me can’t interact more out of internet and still interact and learn a lot with crazy to great blogs and other stuffs. What forces people to escape life, their life, the reality, the beauty and insanity of the world is not internet. Its their own story and probably the lack of ‘collective value’ and so on and the excess of marketed value. Copyrights and IP rights are almost a sad invention, but one who invents knows that the biggest pleasure of inventing is sharing, not selling. The rest is a nice hope and call, but not sure it relates to SOPA.

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BPobjie
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 5:02PM

“Wierd views…the first : ‘But what does that tell you? If you’re not anti-piracy, you are, by definition, pro-piracy.’ Sorry?”

I forgive you Marigae.

AxeEugene
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 5:23PM

If looking for calm Ben run a blanket (snoopy?) USA IP blocklist. A warning though, you may find the experience strangely comforting. Could become a habit.

compass1312
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 7:20PM

This article, I think is the worst, most ill-informed piece of bullshit I have read in this rag.
One day Ben, it may come to pass that you will write something that will invoke the wrath of the authorities. And NM will be shut down. No appeal, no court appearance, no recourse whatsoever.
SOPA, and the other bill [ can’t remember the acronym] is the biggest threat to the internet as we know it. People with more informed brains than you or I know this.
I remember early last year when OUR government wanted to censor our internet. It was bullshit then, and it is even bigger bullshit now.
As an exercise I went to the Aus banned site list in Wikileaks. The list is still there and the sites are still operational [ at least some of the links are ].
As a journalist, free speech is imperative. You are compromising your industry by even suggesting that there is anything good about these bills.

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David Hollier
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 10:25PM

Wow Ben, judging by the comments you’re getting, I’d say your morphing into Australia’s version of Borat and revealing the audience as Americans. But really, people who aren’t serious all the time should be hung up from a lamppost next to Fred Nile

james92
Posted Friday, 20 January 12 at 11:06PM

This is an interesting article, and amusing as always from Pobjie. We do have to start thinking about what role the internet should play in our society.
http://thepoliticsproject.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/intellectual-property…

Causa
Posted Saturday, 21 January 12 at 10:17AM

Every time I read one of Ben Pobjie’s satirical articles, I learn something new about a particular issue - like this latest one regarding the uses and abuses of humanity’s latest tool, the Internet.

Throughout history, we have always found ways of escaping from the stresses and mundaneness of day-to-day life, the Internet included.

Like anything new on the market, every infant born into this world will have teething problems. Likewise, Ben Pobjie has come up with a wise and witty method of keeping people accountable about how we use this medium of communication in our ever-shrinking global village.

As a person with a keen interest in social welfare, I am deeply grateful to such political lobby groups as Get-Up and Avaaz in promoting greater understanding of, and participation in, the issues which affect our world today, such as the push for democracy in troubled parts of the world, overseas aid, preserving the environment, and mature dialogue when posting comments using the Internet.

Sean
Posted Saturday, 21 January 12 at 10:27AM

First NM published Ben’s articles like any other, and countless overly earnest and incredulous people with humour bypasses lambasted him.

Now NM clearly lists his work as satire in response, and still countless incredulous people lambast him.

One can only conclude they are exclusively Greens members/voters who suffer from excessive earnestness and wear hair shirts on a daily basis for the good of their souls.

‘Lambast’ of course comes from the ancient root words ‘lamb baste’, an old Anglo-Saxon culinary tradition of basting lambs while cooking them.

Porgie_Tirebiter
Posted Saturday, 21 January 12 at 2:21PM

And stop calling me SHIRLEY!!!

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rowthpowth
Posted Saturday, 21 January 12 at 6:31PM

The fact that New Mathilda has to explicitly write SATIRE on satirical articles proves the point about the internet making us dumber. The age used to have a fake satirical cover on it on April fools day and there was no need to write SATIRE at the top!

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fightmumma
Posted Sunday, 22 January 12 at 2:01AM

Ben - are you keeping on with the theme of your last article on our general stupidity ie that we are no more stupid than our leaders, pollies, censors - so we can all take heart?!!

Maybe its just a bit of natural selection re evolution? Where we’ll just all be giant big hands/thumbs with no lips, tongue or oral language? Or come to think of it - no spelling ability other than LOL, LMFAO, BRB, OMG…and I can’t think of anymore cos I’m not genY!

Sean - you could add feminists to Ben’s list of people who hate his approach too! That “hysterical” comment was a cracker!!

Seriously though - the internet and communications technology in general has definitely changed how we interact and family relationships. If we don’t sit back and consider on a personal, private and family level about how/why etc we want to use it then there could be negatives which we one day say…gee…didn’t see that coming…

I often tell my kids “go do something REAL” they love that so much - not.

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thomasee73
Posted Sunday, 22 January 12 at 3:41AM

Thank Gore there is a wikipedia article on “Two girls, one cup”, otherwise I may have accidentally watched the infamous video in order to understand BP’s obscure reference.

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thomasee73
Posted Sunday, 22 January 12 at 3:46AM

I’m wondering if we need “SATIRE” as a watermark in the background of the article, or perhaps a footnote every now and then stating “This article is intended to be satirical” with a little reference to Pope’s Law. Or perhaps NM could use a silly font and silly colour scheme for the article to alert the casual reader that something is a little bit “up” with the site, without having to rely on the content…

JulesF
Posted Sunday, 22 January 12 at 6:13PM

@BPobjie some of these comments certainly validate your point about people becoming too lazy with their internet bantering and disputes. Great article! I’m interested though if the image used of The Imp is free to use or if you gained permission to use it? :)

LifeMasque
Posted Saturday, 28 January 12 at 9:42AM

Well done Ben - P - Jobbies! Another page of disjointed and bitterly unfunny hyperbole passed off as Satire. What were your editors thinking?

Tirion Lanister rules, and ought to be made King.