satire
28 Mar 2012
Can-Can's One Party Paradise
Upset by the Queensland election result? Relax! Living under a banana junta is the way of the future, writes Ben Pobjie
I am half-Queenslander, you know. My mother was from Queensland and I can well remember the stories she used to regale us with of life "up north". She’d ride a bullock across the desert to school where the master would beat her with sugarcane if she made a mistake during tractor practice. When she headed home the family would toast bananas over the campfire and drink rum out of crocodile skulls for dinner. It was a simple life, yet my mother made it sound almost magical.
And that is what Queensland has always seemed to me: magical. A land of wide-open spaces, rough-and-ready people and enormous walking Looney Tunes characters who’ll let you take your photo with them. Nothing I have seen from the Sunshine state lately has changed this impression — indeed, following the weekend’s state election it seems more magical than ever.
Because our northern cousins have, in one fell swoop, shown us all the proper way to run a democracy.
Now I do concede that one way to look at the Queensland election result is as a bloodbath, an annihilation of Labor from which the party will take decades to recover. It is true that Campbell "Can-Can" Newman won such a crushing victory that the only truly appropriate metaphor for the poll cannot be used in mainstream media headlines, involving as it does four wild horses, a bayonet and some wild cherry lipstick. It is true that Anna Bligh suffered perhaps the most humiliating political defeat since Peter Debnam introduced the strange and alien phrase "beaten by Morris Iemma" to the English language and was punished for his failure by ceasing to exist. And it is true that the parliamentary Labor Party in Queensland has been reduced to a rump of Minogue-esque proportions and will now be giving away shadow ministries in showbags.
But I say this situation is not nearly as great a negative for lovers of freedom as it might seem.
The hand-wringing argument goes that the LNP has now achieved such dominance that Queensland will become a virtual dictatorship, as Campbell Newman and his sinister skirt-folding ways run roughshod over the feeble squeaks of dissent emanating from the broken and bleeding husks of left-wingers. Newman, a military man, will accordingly have the people of Queensland goose-stepping, shouldering arms and strafing Vietnamese villages in no time, thanks to the complete lack of obstacles standing between him and absolute, Persian cat-stroking power.
This is the argument of the craven pessimist. The fact is, Newman’s crushing victory is likely to be the best thing that ever happened to Queensland after the rise of Powderfinger.
Think about democracy as it is usually played. Constant conflict and disputation. Petty bickering. Pointless squabbling over meaningless minutiae. A ceaseless perverse ballet of he-said and she-said and they-said and up-yours that sends anyone who watches it for too long completely Bob Ellis. Every time you tune into Question Time it’s exactly like watching a bunch of hyperactive toddlers brawling in a sandpit, if those toddlers kept making thinly veiled threats of populist violence and there was one particularly camp toddler who was constantly jumping up and demanding sandcastle-building be suspended.
But you see, Queensland has taken a giant step away from that. Because with no meaningful opposition, Newman’s legion will be able to get on with the job of meaningful government. No more will the premier be forced to waste his time "debating" the opposition’s lame talking points. No more will the gears of government be gummed up with the creamed honey of argument. No more will every decision of government have to pass through the furnace of so-called "accountability".
No, finally we will see how a government can really get to work if left alone to do its thing. Without the need to justify itself in the face of nitpicking oppositional whinges the LNP junta can actually get on with doing stuff the way governments used to in the good old days before universal suffrage or Insiders.
Fact is, Queensland is broken and needs fixing. I don’t know exactly how it’s broken — it’s not that interesting to be honest — but I know it is broken because every state is broken all the time (See also NSW, Victoria, Tasmania). It’ll never get fixed through debate and questioning. It will only get fixed by rolling up sleeves, doing hard yards and ruling with an iron fist.
That’s the way of the future, folks. For too long the governance of this country has been held back by the tyranny of democracy. I say it’s time to throw off the shackles of opposing viewpoints and break the chains of reasonable disagreement. How can we build a strong economy if we constantly have to acknowledge the possibility that someone else might have a better idea? How can we protect our borders if we’re always being befuddled by alternative methodology? How can we crack down on single mothers if we let them talk about things? Answer: we can’t.
Queenslanders are obviously pretty savvy people. They realised their state was going nowhere fast with a government forced to wrestle with opposition and they took action. They got together and said "Look, we need to get moving with a one-party state", and by Joh they did it. They’ve ushered in a new period of government where the ruling party will do whatever it damn well pleases and as a result things will start to happen fast. Infrastructure will be built. Tunnels will be dug. Minorities will be pulled smartly into line. You might not like the way Can-Can operates but you won’t be able to deny it will be decisive. What more can you ask for from a proper government?
My only hope is that the rest of Australia gets the message. I hope that next year, when it comes time to choose between the Joker and the Thief all us voters can gather together in a large public square or scout hall, flip a coin to decide who should be prime minister, and agree that we’ll all vote for them. I do not want to see the federal government elected in 2013 with anything less than a 100-seat majority.
Let’s face it, every government will eventually destroy its citizens. At least if we get rid of the opposition it’ll be over as quickly as possible. And if a dictatorship is the price we have to pay for never hearing the words "point of order" again, I say it’s a bargain.
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Posted Wednesday, 28 March 12 at 1:07PM
I heard Queenslanders are so upset with the outcome there is talk of ending all future elections.
Posted Thursday, 29 March 12 at 8:33AM
I enjoyed this as I do all Ben’s pieces, although I was expecting reference to Bob Katter when you mentioned the oversize Looney Toons characters roaming the land :)
Seriously though, I think the NM crew is going a bit over-the-top prophesising the end of democracy. I detect an undercurrent of sour grapes: loving democracy when Labor wins (aka Kevin 07) and moaning that it is broken when it Labor loses. I am not particularly worried about the return of Sir Joe’s ghost:
1. It never completely left. Bligh’s government had a long list of scandals and corruption. The battle against corruption of the powerful is never won, but the CMC, media and ultimately the voter are still there to ask questions.
2. Queensland has no upper house, so any majority is like absolute rule - not having to compromise is normal operation.
3. Queensland now is very different to 30 years ago - Brisbane is the power base of this LNP win and it is a much more cosmopolitan city than it was in the past. Labor voters there gave Campbell the win and he will know they can take it back.
4. Campbell Newman is pragmatic not ideological, as his very successful term as Brisbane Mayor proved. It might be hard for some of the intelligentsia to comprehend this, but people want this type of practical ‘can-do’ leadership because it makes a tangible positive impact on their lives. Anyone who enjoys the Brisbane busway network, integrated ticketing, and new roads in Brisbane will attest to this. Now they want the same attitude applied statewide to the health and education systems and the budget, and you can’t really fault them for this. My instinct is he is going to focus on these practical things and not wind back the social clock to the time of ‘outback yocal power’ aka Sir Joe.
5. This is democracy man!!! The people giveth the power and the people can taketh it away if Campbell and LNP stuff up. Just relax, see what happens over the next few years and then cast your judgement, but please don’t begrudge the people for voting for their local representative as they individually choose… the is real beginning of a 1 party state.
Posted Thursday, 29 March 12 at 11:06AM
Thanks Ben, I was a bit worried about the doings up there in the moonshine state. Thankfully all will be well when generation Y gets a wind of what Newman is up to and puts out a Kony style hit out on him via the interweb.
I have to agree with Mr Freedom that Brisbane is a much more cosmpolitan city than it used to be. The last time I was up there they had up to three beers on tap, and the blokes out on the pavement on Sunday morning actually went inside to spew in the toilets!
There is an art gallery too, although I am not sure I could sit through the video installation ‘Twentyfour Hours of Funniest Home Videos’. I hope they include that video of Newman going back for more after the dog tried to bite him. Gold.
I am pleased to hear that Campbell is a practical man with practical plans, because from down here he comes across as a twitchy nut.
Posted Thursday, 29 March 12 at 11:23AM
Why give the Cocos Islands to the U.S.? Just give them Queensland.
I’m sure that Campbell, being an ex-military person, will welcome the sound of Yank boots tramping all over Australian soil. And as a capitalist, Campbell will turn Queensland into a Wall Street enclave as quick as a wink and a nudge.
Campbell Newman, Junta Incorporated. It has a ring to it, doesn’t it?
P.S. My hope is that a major earthquake will occur and Queensland will fracture from the mainland and float across to the U.S., land next to Mexico and the U.S.
All the crazies will finally be together, Ole’!
Posted Thursday, 29 March 12 at 10:09PM
jellybeans
A happy return to Hicksville for the Queenslanders well moulded by Joh, the ghost who never dies. Lets hope they don’t go viral: I live really close to the border!
Posted Friday, 30 March 12 at 12:25AM
I’m afraid most of what ‘Mr Freedom’ had to say was complete bulls**t. Having lived in Brisbane all my life and apparently wasted my youth fighting the Bjelke Petersen government I am horrified at Newman’s win. 40% of the people did not even give the LNP a preference. You can patronise people like me all you like but it won’t change the fact that Anna Bligh and Peter Beattie pursued all the corrupt Ministers and Labor Party members and did not try to hide those things, including Nuttall, Rose, D’Arcy, and the Shepherdsen enquiry to name a few. They could have covered some of those up but they never did. Please don’t bring up that Heiner affair nonsense as I am very familiar with all of that story and give it no credence. I know that Liberals will just scoff but I sincerely believe that to be true. The jobs for the boys allegations apply to every government everywhere but Newman’s blatant politicisation of the public service from day 1 will not be a success. It is a very well known in Brisbane that Newman was dictatorial in council and constantly threw tantrums if he didn’t get his own way. When my community group (a P&C) met with him over schools and traffic he first accused us of being Labor party people (none of us were Labor Party members) and then said he deplored people using children for political ends! As to the assertion that this is a Brisbane based win that is ludicrous as by far the greatest number are regional seats as this is a very decentralised state. The assertion that Newman has had a very successful term as Brisbane’s mayor is also very dubious considering that the Clem7 tunnel cost was astronomical and wildly over budget as well as extremely under-utilised now and the bicycle scheme is also a costly failure. This is how people create the myths they want to tell about themselves and Mr Freedom is a myth maker.
Posted Friday, 30 March 12 at 6:10PM
Hi Gabrielle,
Some interesting responses. If there is anything I sand for it is the truth and willingness to listen to sound arguments and change my opinion when appropriate. Below are my thoughts on your comments:
“by far the greatest number are regional seats”
- I just went to the electoral commission site and counted them and I stand corrected that 39% of the state’s seats are in the ‘Brisbane Nth’ and ‘Brisbane Sth’ region, however two thirds of the state’s seats are in Brisbane, Ipswich, Gold & Sunshine Coasts, which is a very different distribution to that under Joe, before 1 vote 1 value. This difference is what I was trying to highlight.
“40% of the people did not even give the LNP a preference”
- but it isn’t really surprising given QLD’s optional preferential voting system. Nevertheless, I think the 1st preference count below shows the gravity of the defeat and why Labor failed to get over the line in most seats:
LNP 49.89%
Australian Labor Party 26.77%
The Australian Party 11.46%
The Greens 7.20%
“Anna Bligh and Peter Beattie pursued all the corrupt Ministers”
- I concede they acted once these issues became public and I agree they were much more above-board than the Joe days. Whether I give full credit credit to Labor for this I’m not sure… the world is a very different (arguably more open and accountable) place than it was then - the Internet didn’t even exist in the time of Joe, let alone twitter and independent media like NM. For this reason I don’t think the new LNP government will necessarily be any worse than Labor, and certainly not a repeat of Joe - only time will tell.
“Newman was dictatorial in council and constantly threw tantrums”
- i can believe that and it may be his undoing. Then again, government paralysis and slow rot is no less offensive - choose your poison. I think Queenslands want and need some decisiveness at the moment - there is a time and place for this type of personality - I’m am sure there will be a time in the future when it is no longer desirable.
“Newman has had a very successful term as Brisbane’s mayor is also very dubious”
- I live in Sydney now so can’t speak with as much authority as a local, but I have heard a lot of praise from locals and my impression of the city when I visit is generally positive. I think the public transport improvements are excellent (in contrast to Sydney where nothing happens) and whilst I don’t necessarily think roads are a much the answer as Campbell does, at least he is tackling growth pains somehow instead of doing nothing. On the finances of the tunnels, I assume the losses are mostly born by the private partner not the council? In this way it follows a proud/infamous record of many PPPs in Sydney, but the end result is probably good for the taxpayer in the short term a least - massive infrastructure for very little cost!
Posted Friday, 30 March 12 at 6:26PM
PS.
“Newman’s blatant politicisation of the public service from day 1”
- that puts such a negative slant on firing the top brass of a dysfunctional organisation (presumably responsible for the problems since they are its leaders) and appointing someone you trust with the job of fixing it :) If you just arrived in power and had to fix the mess, what would you do? Keep persisting with leaders who even Anna Bligh couldn’t get results from?
“the bicycle scheme is also a costly failure”
- Yeah, it did seem like a bit of a failure when I visited last. Having said that, I must be a ‘small L Liberal’ because I think it projects an enlightened, positive, environmentally sensitive message about what the city stands for, which is really important if Brisbane wants to promote itself as an international city in a ‘smart state’ and attract the ‘creative class’ who power high tech high value jobs. Unfortunately the execution, logistics and marketing of the scheme do suck, which is a damn shame and Campbell should get a slap in the face for it. Having said that, it still took a lot of guts and vision to build that system in a city of ‘quarter acre block’ car lovers, and i respect that.
Posted Friday, 30 March 12 at 6:27PM
Somehow this article just stinks of sarcasm. The fact people voted and the result was a landslide should indicate how poor the Bligh lead government was.
Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good yarn is how I see this article. It seems to me that far too long we the people have bought the spin from politicians particularly from the left.
We here in QLD showed exactly what to do with lying political parties particularly when they perform economical poorly.
Any government is answerable to the people and if Campbell fails to deliver it is not the opposition who make them pay it is the voters just ask Anna Bligh.
Gillard will suffer the same fate and rightly so, because if we continue to let politicians and political parties spin and lie their way into office, then we will be living in a fools paradise.
Posted Saturday, 31 March 12 at 6:31PM
By Joh you’ve hit the nail on the head this time Ben! The metaphors flowing like Vesuvius, as befits a discussion of the Big Banana state.
But - stinking of sarcasm? I don’t think so. That’s an ester you can smell Ozzydazz - the sweet scent of isopentyl acetate (artificial banana flavouring) emanating from a place near you, well, perhaps in times to come!
Posted Tuesday, 03 April 12 at 12:17PM
As far as I can see, Campbell Newman is as different from Joh Bjelke Peterson, as Kevin Rudd is from Julia Gillard.
Funny piece, although your serious concerns about Queensland’s diminishing democracy are well founded.
Afterall the Upper House has already been abolished and to further consolidate right wing power they’ve amalgamated the two major right wing parties.
So now, there’s only one House in Queensland Parliament (heading slowly as you suggest towards a one Party state for expediency) and although Labor may be official residents, they’re really in the doghouse chewing on the bones of humiliation.
The only decent Opposition will come from Katter’s Australian Party, whose primary vote showed there is a distinct difference between this right wing party and other right wing parties.
Possibily because Katter’s AP shows signs of becoming more nationalistic, protective and supportive of property owners and consumers.
Posted Saturday, 07 April 12 at 6:42PM
Can’t wait for the next State of Origin.
Yep, things are getting real ugly, like peanuts sugared in the shell. xxxx
Posted Monday, 09 April 12 at 11:56AM
Go back home to the ghost of Joh.
What sort of poetic device is that?