Time to get real

Yeah I'm talking to you, Mark Scott, managing director of the ABC. Because the news tells me that you're looking to the models of the Daily Show and Colbert Report to create news and current affairs shows for a younger audience on the ABC.

And this means, Mr Scott, it is time to cease this assiduous avoidance of the area below your nostrils.

It is time to stop pretending you don't know what you need.

It is time to be a man and admit that you were wrong in the past to not give me my own TV show, and proclaim to the world, this is what the ABC needs.

Because Mr Scott, I'm your man.

Just check this out:




Uh, hello? Can you say "peas in a pod"?

And if that's not enough:




To cut a long story short, Mr Scott, come ON. You know you want me. Put me on TV now, or wear the consequences.

If YOU support this worthy cause, why not contact Mark Scott, care of the ABC, at:

ABC Ultimo Centre;
700 Harris Street;

OR

Ultimo NSW 2007;
GPO Box 9994;
Sydney NSW 2001;

OR just give him a friendly ring:

Phone (02) 8333 1500

Or tweet him @ABCMarkScott. He values your feedback! Probably!

Please Do Not Read This If You Are Not A Blog Forward Reader

A community service announcement from Ben Pobjie, recent graduate of the GASP College of Public Relations-itude and Customer Service Trainingness.

I understand there have been certain complaints from readers of this blog whom have found the bloggingness of the blog to be not to their tasting. Having now had the privilege of learning the factibility of the situations which led to the circumstances of these complainants, I am now in a position to respond.

Firstly, this blog is especially designed to appeal to a very blog forward consumer. Always at the forefront of my mind when writing this blog is the need to not appeal to those whom are not in the position of being in front of themselves when it comes to consuming blogs and other things. This blog is read by A List celebrities such as Patti Newton, Tom Oliver and Mike Whitney to name only a few, and these are not the sort of personages who would read a "run of the mill" blog. In fact, when people read this blog and say they are "frightened" or "confused" or "nauseated", I give myself a big pat on the back as it means I am succeeding in my targets of making a blog full of attractivenessitude to people whom are the kind of people whom I wish to be attractive to. I know I am doing my job right and my modus operandi is being affirmed in a typically solidistic fashion.

Insofar as the aforesaid blog posts in a manner of specificity, blog posts are selected with the same approach in mind - I am a qualified blogger who has a sixth sense for words, and my only problem is that I am too good at what I do, and being a person whom am talented I cannot tolerate having my time wasted, which is the reason you may be provoked to refer to me as a "dickhead". This is your prerogatorivity.

Inasmuch as you say you are also capable of literacy, this does not mean we are of a sameness. Much of what I am writing here probably does not make sense to you or you are not in agreeance with the generalised thrustings of what I am conveying to your brain right now. You would probably never write a blog post like this, would you? This is because you are a person whom does not understand elite bloggery like I do and so it is of an inappropriate nature that you would say "we both know how to write" as it is almost as if we are in different industries: you in an industry whom is for stupidities and me in a forward-thinking industry for blog superstars.

So if you would like do me any favours or kindnessings, please do not waste my time because as you have seen I am not someone whom tolerates it from people whom are you. I am sure there are plenty of blogs that appease your taste which is stupid, so I retrospectfully request that you side-step this blog during future eyeball-directioning computer operativity engagements.

Thank you for your inquisitions

Ben Pobjie, Blog Manager



Below: a picture of a person appreciating the sensual and evocative lifestyle that an exceedingly directional blog like this one can bring about.

In Case You Hadn't Heard

Yes, The Rue McClanahan Hour is no more. Due to a disagreement with Triple R management - we thought we weren't disgustingly offensive and irretrievably unfunny, and they disagreed - our radio show was canned after two episodes. We apologise, since we do know there were people who were actually enjoying our little stint Make sure you tune in to Triple R from February on in our timeslot, every Monday 7pm Eastern time, as the Lime Champions will be back, and that's a quality show.

I won't go into too much detail as to the details behind the canning, suffice to say there were irreconcilable differences.

BUT the Gather Around Me podcast starring Ben Pobjie and Cam Smith continues, and there is a brand-new one, in which the Triple R "Kerfuffle" (call-back) is discussed. Go to Gather Around Me both for downloads and hilarious bloggettes.

Do not listen if you don't like hearing the word "rape", or you have a soft spot for hypothetical cats.

Should you be craving even more of the squeezings of my brain, check out my first newmatilda article of the year, in which I tackle the important and delicious issue of whaling.

This is a wonderful read. As "scepticcritic" says:

How can you consider yourself any sort of authentic political satirist when you group ‘black people’ in a separate category from ‘humans"? If you can’t even respect the diversities within your own species I doubt you can do much for the whales.

And as you read the article, maybe you'll ponder that question. WHY?

Furthermore, there's my latest review of weekly doings for the ABC, in which are discussed koalas, farmers, starvation, sailing, Indians, earthquakes and zany Christians.

To get the man in the street's typical reaction to this piece, why not ask "david hicks":

There is a lot that is hugely distasteful about this article

You're a fine one to talk, David. Glass houses, my friend, glass houses.

Or consider the opinion of "Crepitus":

I think Miranda Devine sums up Ben Probjie when she calls him "puerile".(Click on Ben's CV)

Judging from his article, I would add "unfunny and irrelevant" but then I have never heard of Ben till now. He has some work to do if he wants to become relevant and be taken seriously as a comedian or satirist.

To scoff at the Haitian catastrophe is heartless. He had nothing worth while to say about the whaling issue on which he is biased anyway. Does he really want us to go to war with Japan over blubber? Sounds a bit like the War of Jenkins Ears.

OK, firstly, I can't really match wits with those who would agree with Miranda Devine. Intellectualism is not my god.

Secondly, what the sulphur-crested fuck is with people who don't like my articles being unable to spell my name. My name which is ON THE GODDAMN PAGE THEY ARE READING AT THE TIME THEY ARE COMMENTING. I mean, this isn't someone hearing my name and being unable to determine the correct spelling. This is someone who is incapable of directly copying down six letters in a row.

And why do people put an R in my name? I've never understood that? Do they assume I must actually have the terribly common everyday name "Probjie" that most people know and love?

Jesus.

Anyway, much as I have never belittled rape victims, Muslims or the mentally ill on the radio, I have never scoffed at the Haitian earthquake on the ABC website. Read closely and you'll notice this fact.

In fact, you don't even have to read that closely. Just don't be a cretin.

That aside though, I am pretty irrelevant and unfunny. Luckily I have a weekly appointment wherein I sexually gratify the entire ABC board in a disabled toilet in Box Hill, so my job there's pretty safe.

With newmatilda, it's mainly the high-grade heroin I mail to them that keeps on the site.

In summary: spell my fucking name right, for Christ's sake. It's really starting to piss me off.

And now, on a lighter note:




I'm a FATHER, guys. Don't you realise how much the criticism hurts my children?

A Momentous Day...

As for the first time in my life, I start cheering for Bec Hewitt.

We Forgive You

The Herald Sun, demonstrating its usual penchant for both hard news and unfailing honesty, today reports that Andrew O'Keefe has "apologised" for his drunken night out in December*.

The funny thing is that in the story which begins "TV host Andrew O'Keefe has apologised for his boozy Chapel St bender late last year", at no point is there any apology quoted. He says he is "in no way proud" of his behaviour, but the "apology" which the Herald Sun assures us he offered is not in evidence. Weird. Some sub-editor must have cropped it out, because the Herald Sun is not the kind of newspaper that prints dishonest teasers.

Even funnier is that the article lists a long stream of jokes and wacky banter that O'Keefe indulged in on his TV show, which seem to show that he vacillates between finding the incident "highly unedifying" and "high-larious". In fact, if we're keeping a scorecard of his public comments on the bender, it looks something like this:

Heartfelt expressions of contrition: 1

Madcap japes: 7

But the real "story behind the story" here is the mysterious question on everyone's lips: presuming O'Keefe DID offer an apology, who exactly did he apologise to? The Chapel Street pavement for crawling too heavily on it? Internet video-surfers for the poor quality of the footage? Just who is the wounded party here from whom O'Keefe is begging forgiveness?

Perhaps the Herald Sun will offer an answer after the results come in from their Voteline, which asks readers to call in and respond to the question, Do you accept Andrew O'Keefe's apology for his drunken binge?

And you can just tell Andrew O'Keefe is on tenterhooks waiting for the results of that poll. It would crush him if he were to find out that a solid majority of random strangers who were not in any involved with or harmed by his conduct of his private life were holding a grudge against him for it.

Lucky the Herald Sun is there to keep us apprised of developments in stories like these. Imagine how uninformed we would be if, instead of the Herald Sun, we had some pathetic excuse for a newspaper that constantly filled entire pages with retarded stories about nothing?

Phew!

*I do not consider it a coincidence that Andrew O'Keefe's life ran off the rails a mere two and a half years after he kissed my hand on national television.

Stay up to date with BPWWOO

Well, first of all, you can see how I sneer at those who have achieved success through hard work and ability here.

Secondly, if you go here, register with newmatilda and vote for your favourite cartoon in the New Matilda cartooning competition, you could win a FREE copy of my book, Handy Latin Phrases.

Thirdly, I've begun a weekly radio spot on Sydney community radio station 2SER. Every Wednesday I buzz in around 4:45 to chat with Ellice Mol. The callsign is 107.3 FM for Sydneyite, for everyone else you can listen to the station's live stream through the website.

And fourthly, Eoin Colfer is going to write a sixth instalment of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. As someone for whom HHGTTG is a major milestone in my life and development as a human being, and remains my favourite book/s, I am interested in your feedback.

In 50 words or less, tell me why YOU think Eoin Colfer should go burn his stupid face off with acid.