An Educational Resource

What is the Book of Bloke?

Simply, the Book of Bloke is the most comprehensive and painstaking survey of Australian manhood ever undertaken. This socio-anthropological epic examines the vast variety of Blokes in our great country, their origins, characteristics, lifestyles, markings and hobbies. 

How often have you seen a Bloke in the street, and thought to yourself, "If only I knew what KIND of bloke that was, I would know whether to approach and make friends, or keep my distance, or hit him with a stick"? 

The Book of Bloke has made such concerns a thing of the past! As well as an essential reference work for all aspiring and experienced Blokeologists, the BoB acts as a useful spotter's guide for anyone wishing to observe Blokes in their natural habitat. If you wish to be able to tell, at a glance, the difference between a Bogan and a Snag, a Leftite and a Rightoid, a Reticulated Drainpipe and a Crested Kerrang, this is the must-have book for you!

The Book of Bloke is published by Momentum Books, and is delivered in convenient eBook format, thus doing away with the tedious hassle of paper. There are several ways to read the ever-versatile Book of Bloke:

1. On your Kindle, purchased through Amazon.

2. On your iPad, iPod, iPhone, or any other iDevice you might possess What's next - iGlasses? Haha, we have fun.

3. Through something called Book.ish, which is, I guess, some kind of place you get bookishness at.

4. On a Kobo, whatever that is.

5. On your computer screen, if that's the sort of thing you like to do.

6. Print the whole book out, bind it with string and/or glue, and read it as an analogue book.

7. Copy it out longhand with a biro in an exercise book and then read the exercise book. Remember to print clearly and legibly!

The options are, literally, endless, and what's more, it's only THREE DOLLARS! For the entire book! That's no more than the price of a cup of coffee, or of assuaging your guilt when confronted by a homeless person! And the BoB will give you HOURS more entertainment than either of those things!

Basically, what we have here is a brave new world in ebooks, in gender studies, and in jokes about mullets. YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO MISS OUT!

Buy The Book of Bloke TODAY!

Choose Your Own Adventure!

The story so far: you are an aspiring teen kickball player whose brother is not home by six. Armed with this information, you choose not to call Harold and instead accompany local halfwit "Lauren" to the docks, where adventure awaits...if you CHOOSE it to!

What happens next? It's up to you! Listen to the latest Gather Around Me Choose Your Own Adventure: The Terrorist Trap instalment, and decide what to do!

Hey You!

Yes, you! I got a few questions!

Do you like READING THINGS?

Do you like LAUGHING AT THINGS?

Do you like ELECTRONIC DEVICES?

Do you like - and pay close attention here - ME?

Hey, I know you're answering yes to all those questions! But I know that YOU'RE asking a question too!

You're asking, "But Ben, HOW can I satisfy ALL these preferences of mine for the INCREDIBLY LOW price of $2.99, in a convenient manner delivered instantly over the world wide web?"

OH MY GOD I HAVE THE ANSWER!



That's right! HANDY LATIN PHRASES!

Handy Latin Phrases is the anthology of stories and poetry, known as my equivalent of Woody Allen's "Early, funny stuff" that I self-published several years ago. You can still get it as an old-fashioned dead-tree edition, but NOW! FOR THE FIRST TIME! ON AMAZON! You can get it as a Kindle eBook! For $2.99!

Only $2.99? Why you'd be cruel and foolish NOT to buy it am I right?

Haha! Of course I am!

Go buy it NOW!

Christmas is Coming!

Given that Christmas is coming, as evidenced by the title of this blog post, it's time to think about where you want to direct your hard-earned money in order to best approximate your feelings of vague affection towards friends and family.

This Christmas, it might be a good idea to give your gift-giving a theme. A good theme is "Ben Pobjie". Why not give everyone you know a Pobjie-themed present?

For example, for your dad, who likes a laugh, get him Funny Buggers, a book of lines from great Australian stand-ups which includes me for some reason.

Of course, the problem is I don't get any money from you buying Funny Buggers, so for your mum, who likes a laugh but is also furiously political, buy Surveying the Wreckage, which is all by me and contains many hilarious political jokes to make you laugh, but also make you think and possibly make you cry if you're a bit weird.

And then there is your grandma, who likes a laugh but only if it's related to food in some way and has cartoons as well. You should buy her Superchef, which as far as I know Maggie Beer calls "the greatest thing ever I have seen ever in my whole life since I was born".

And what about little Jimmy, the boy who sleeps in your backyard? Would he enjoy Handy Latin Phrases or The Adventures of Guanacoman? Who cares - he can't read! Buy them for him and see him weep in gratitude!

So there you go - interesting and affordable ways to manage Christmas, spread some joy, and assist me in my own selfish goals - what more could you ask? An ideal work-life balance and some emotional stability? Can't help you there - I just write books!

Oh we do have fun.

So quick! To the bookstores! Let hilarity be your co-pilot!

Like this guy.

ENTER NOW!

You probably know that Masterchef - or as it is known in my world, #masterchef - has entered "Finals Week", the week when we get down to the nitty-gritty, come to the crunch, and are struck about the head and shoulders by the rubber on its way through to the road.

For a poignant description of the opening of Finals Week, check out my Sunday night recap here.

But in addition to that piece of - yes, no false modesty here - genius, I am also celebrating Finals Week with a COMPETITION!

A competition I tried to run before, but nobody entered so it didn't really work out. Hopefully it will work out this time.

The competition revolves around my sort-of-a-hit book, Superchef!



Specifically, it revolves around the recipes contained in the book: recipes like Myst's Apple and Cabbage Puree; Esther's Stress Water; Steve's Cyanide Noisettes; Tenielle's Suburban Parma, and many more.

What I want YOU, my faithful readers, to do is:

1. Choose a recipe from the book.

2. Make that recipe.

3. Take a photo of the results.

4. Send that photo to pobjie.ben@gmail.com

All photos sent in will be published on this very blog, and the BEST efforts - as judged by an expert panel comprising me, my wife, my son and maybe my friend Cam - will receive a very special prize: a SIGNED COPY of my anthology Handy Latin Phrases, known among "fans" who I just made up as "the Pobjie bootlegs".



This early opus of mine contains such works as "The Black Cat", "The Man Who Looked Like a Fish From Certain Angles", and "Franz Kafka, Grocery Boy", and is a rarity in Me-lore.

So there is the contest, and it is just waiting for you eager beavers to get in the kitchen and start entering. Here is an example of the sort of thing you might submit, a beautiful example of Tenielle's Suburban Parma:




So what are you waiting for? Get cooking, and you are in with a chance of not only fabulous prizes, but GLORY!

It's A Living

Alas it is true that from time to time I must use this blog not for higher purposes, but for grubby utilitarian self-promotion. And thus I'm just letting you know a few things I've been up to lately:

Firstly, please do not forget that my first book, Surveying The Wreckage, remains available for everyone to pay money for and laugh till their cheeks crack and bleed. Available at sophisticated bookshops, and also here.

Surveying the Wreckage of course is a collection of columns from New Matilda covering the years 2008-2010. For more recent satirical spewings, check out the site itself. In particular, my latest, about sluts and feminism and stuff. It made people angry!

Also my SECOND book (yes I know) is just about everywhere a book could want to be. This is just one place you could get it, but seriously there are HUNDREDS of places to buy it from. Also, I will soon elaborate on a competition I mentioned recently. A special Superchef competition for people who like Superchef, with a proper prize and everything! Stay tuned chefpions!

Also, if you like scholarly examinations of social mores and the role of comedy in our community, you probably didn't expect to find anything like that round here. But amazingly, I did one of those! For the latest edition of Meanjin magazine. You can subscribe online, or buy a hard copy from any of these fine establishments. I'm quite chuffed with this article, actually, it being unusual inasmuch as it is serious and makes me seem sort of clever and stuff.

Also! You can see me LIVE and UNCUT at The Bedroom Philosopher's High School Assembly at the Thornbury Theatre on June 24. I will be playing Principal to a motley assortment of juvenile delinquents including the BP himself, Tripod, Josh Earl, Damien Lawlor, Emilie Zoey Baker, the DC3, Anna Krien, and Sex On Toast. It will be HUGE! Get in quick, or you may MISS OUT probably.

Lastly, fans of Masterchef may or may not have noticed I've been writing the occasional recap of episodes. The first couple I did are below:

Here.


And here.

There'll be more of these, so watch out for them.

And that's all the plugging I'll be doing for today, I think. Lots going on, lots of fun! Thanks for reading, you're just wonderful. Here is a picture of a kitty.



UPDATE: The Meanjin article is now online for FREE here: http://meanjin.com.au/editions/volume-70-number-2-2011/article/offensive-comedy/

But still buy the magazine, it has other good stuff in it!

Stand the Heat, Get in the Kitchen!

First of all, apologies for the break in transmission. I haven't been able to muster a blog post for a while, because, well, myriad reasons which hopefully I can soon expand on.

But soft! The main thing is to transmit to you the news of the day!

SUPERCHEF IS HERE!




Yes, my meisterwerk is in stores, on shelves, on sale, available in shops and online and all over the place! Do buy it, it would be a nice thing to do. I promise it's funny, and will hopefully delight and amaze both fans of MasterChef and fans of jokes. Oh, and fans of cool illustrations, which in this case were done by the masterful Steve Keast. So go, buy, read, tell your friends, spread the word, spread the gospel, spread the Chefpion philosophy. And get that #superchef hashtag trending!

Want to know more about Superchef? Why not watch this instructive promo?



Or check out one of the recipes from Superchef: Jessie's Sex Pizza:



Jessie says: Go knead that dough!




And the recipes are the crux of this next bit: a COMPETITION!

Since you are all enormous Superchef fans, you will already be familiar with the useful and nutritious recipes to be found within the tome. Not just the Sex Pizza, but also Steve's Cyanide Noisettes, Esther's Stress Water, and many more.

So what I'm asking from you, Supercheffers, is to see just what you bring the hotplate. Get working on those recipes, make them in the comfort of your own homes, and show us all how they turned out! Send photos of your efforts to pobjie.ben@gmail.com, I'll post all dishes on the blog, and the best efforts will receive...

A WONDERFUL PRIZE OF SOME SORT!!!!

Excited? I know you are! To get those creative juices flowing, here's an example we prepared earlier: one eager chefpion's take on Myst's Apple and Cabbage Puree!




Mmmmm! Is that your tummy I hear rumbling? But I know you can match that, so break out the spatulas! Hop to it! Your work will be seen by...well, a few people. A few people read this blog right? C'mon now, we're cooking with gas! Or electricity, whatever.

And thank you, thank you, thank you for reading. I am very proud of Superchef and I do hope you all enjoy it.

Do Drop In

I'm sure you remember the exciting news about my book, Surveying the Wreckage, which will be released next week and which you can order NOW from aduki.net.au.

To celebrate the exciting news, we're having something of a bash, a "launch" as I believe it's termed. Drinks and merriment, books for sale, presided over by the lovely and talented Clem Bastow and also I will be there. It will be such fun and I do hope you'll join us, Tuesday the 29th March, at Trades Hall, Carlton.

ALL the best people will be there!

It Is Very Exciting

Do you like to read books? Do you like to laugh? Do you like to support struggling semi-writers? Do you like to make me feel good about myself?

Do you like to do ALL OF THESE THINGS AT ONCE?

Amazingly, YOU CAN. And you can do it SOON!

Because my first book, Surveying the Wreckage, which collects the best of my work for New Matilda from 2008-2010, is available for pre-order NOW! Published by Aduki Press:



Is this not thrilling? You can buy the actual physical artefact as kings did in days of old, or you can get it as eBook. The LUXURY OF CHOICE!

Also, on Aduki's homepage, see how you could win a FREE copy of Surveying the Wreckage, by nominating your favourite or least favourite piece of wreckage from the Rudd Years. Either use the tag #surveyingthewreckage on Twitter, or comment on Aduki's Facebook page. The best five win a free copy!

Survey with me today!

I'm so excited!

Exclamation mark!

Welcome back!

To same old place that you laughed about...



Did you have a good Christmas? A festive new year? Or was it a dark period in your life that you hope never to have to re-live?

Anyway, the new year is here, and full of exciting possibilities. Personally, I've been busy as hell, and in 2011 I've got lots of goodies to share.

Firstly, why not listen to the RETURN OF GATHER AROUND ME, Cam Smith and myself back to let you all know about the problems of teens who are also hospital administrators and/or staff. And some other things. Your ears will be amazed.

Also, look out for my upcoming contribution in the February issue of Kings Tribune magazine, my debut for this particular organ.

And of course, New Matilda is back next month to inform and delight you all! Make sure you check out the many fine writers contributing to debate there.

But besides these immediate concerns, let's look into the mists of the future. You may all commence slavering with anticipation, as March sees the publication of my first proper, real, honest-to-goodness papery BOOK!

Surveying the Wreckage, published by aduki Press.




Start ticking off the days now. I'm excited. Are you excited?


Welcome back, my friends, to the blog that never ends.

Professionalism: How To Do It

In exciting developments in my life, I recently acquired what we call in the biz an "agent". This has changed my life. It will probably not change yours, but it's not always about you. Basically what this means is that should you, my reader, be wanting to make any kind of book-related inquiry, for example if you're a publisher or summat crazy like that, you should contact Pippa at Curtis Brown: pippa@curtisbrown.com.au - she'll be handling the bookish side of my quest for world domination from now on.

Cheers!

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books - a Spotter's Guide

How to recognise a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book:

Here is one:





And here's another:





This is another one:





This one too:





And goodness gracious me, even this one:






But here is what a Hitchhiker' Guide to the Galaxy book does NOT look like:




So fuck YOU, Eoin Colfer, you smug Irish bastard.

The Reader Has Arrived

And it's available to buy here.

Regrets

What is my number one regret? The lies I've told, the friends I've hurt, the manslaughter of the childhood friend I covered up?

NO

My number one regret is that I have been neglecting my faithful blog readers. Both of you. Ha ha ha self-deprecation!

Anyway, I was away for a little bit decompressing from a rather frantic personal and professional period, visiting family and lying down etc. I'm back now, blogging for your delectation.

What's been happening since the last update?

Well, there have been more writings, obviously. Check them out:

At newmatilda.com:

Thoughts on rugby league and great 20th-century statesmen

Thoughts on the Victorian government's affaire grande with the religious right

My thoughts on silly immigrants and why the athletic ones are better

At Crikey:

My first stab at investigate journalism; I managed to smuggle out the minutes from Hey Hey It's Saturday's production meeting prior to their second reunion special.

Please note: not only did John Blackman comment on that last one, he almost knows my name! I am pretty special I think you will agree.

So in other news...a new project! Gather Around Me, with Australia's hippest young pop culture vivisectionists Ben Pobjie and Cam Smith bringing you their thoughts through the magic of Montenegran internet.

GAM will feature random musings by Cam and myself throughout your long, otherwise-stultifying days, but the main meat of the site is in our regular podcasts. There are two up so far, check 'em out. You can also subscribe through iTunes.

Also, following my gig way back at the Emerging Writers' Festival, I have a piece in the EWF Reader, a collection of writers writing about writing. To quote the EWF:

"The Reader is a new collection that combines highlights of the 2009 festival with general writing information and new creative works across various writing forms.


The Reader is about the craft, the approaches, the techniques and processes; the discipline(s), the forms, the experiments; the inner life, the social life, the lifestyle; the ups and downs, the tricks and the tribulations, the fun and the failure…

The Reader is Artworks, Illustrations, Flash Fiction, Fragments, Interviews, Short Stories, Sketches, Songs, Sonnets, Haiku, Poetry, Plays, Photos, Comics, Couplets, Verse, Recipes, Rants, and Memoirs.



The Reader is Steven Amsterdam on writers’ workshops, Clem Bastow on freelancing, Jen Breach on writing comics, Mel Campbell on pitching to editors, Kathy Charles on shameless self-promotion, Stephanie Convery on writing Black Saturday, Olivia Davis on fear and writing practices, Lisa Dempster on how much writers earn, Koraly Dimitriadis talks to Christos Tsoilkas, Caroline Hamilton compares writers’ festivals and music festivals, Stu Hatton on his mentorship with Dorothy Porter, Jane Hawtin discusses publishing academic research for a general audience, Andrew Hutchinson recalls the Emerging Writers’ Festival, Tiggy Johnson on parenthood and writing, Krissy Kneen on not writing about sex, Benjamin Law on failure, Angela Meyer reviews books for writers, Jennifer Mills on the politics of publishing and engaging with readers, Anthony Noack on good grammar, John Pace on re-drafting your screenplay, Ryan Paine on the role of the critic, Ben Pobjie on writing comedy, Robert Reid on the role of the contemporary playwright, Aden Rolfe on the emergentsia, Jenny Sinclair on the landscape of her book research, Chris Summers talks to Lally Katz about theatre writing, Mia Timpano on how to cultivate the ultimate author profile photo, Estelle Tang on Christopher Currie and blogging fiction, Simmone Michelle-Wells pens a letter to her younger self, Cameron White reviews alternatives to Microsoft Word.

And new creative works by Maxine Clark, Chris Currie, Chris Downes, Claire Henderson, Kirk Marshall, Scott-Patrick Mitchell, Alice Mrongovius, Meg Mundell, Warwick Sprawson and Cameron T"

Nota Bene: "Ben Pobjie on writing comedy". Yes! After reading the Reader, you will know how to be funny, like me! I'm not even joking, y'all! In bookstores now!

More soon, you sexy readers.

Stay up to date with BPWWOO

Well, first of all, you can see how I sneer at those who have achieved success through hard work and ability here.

Secondly, if you go here, register with newmatilda and vote for your favourite cartoon in the New Matilda cartooning competition, you could win a FREE copy of my book, Handy Latin Phrases.

Thirdly, I've begun a weekly radio spot on Sydney community radio station 2SER. Every Wednesday I buzz in around 4:45 to chat with Ellice Mol. The callsign is 107.3 FM for Sydneyite, for everyone else you can listen to the station's live stream through the website.

And fourthly, Eoin Colfer is going to write a sixth instalment of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. As someone for whom HHGTTG is a major milestone in my life and development as a human being, and remains my favourite book/s, I am interested in your feedback.

In 50 words or less, tell me why YOU think Eoin Colfer should go burn his stupid face off with acid.

Blow, Girls, Blow!

Probably-respected Aboriginal academic Mark Rose has slammed the publishers of the Australian version of The Daring Book For Girls, because it shows girls how to play the didgeridoo.

Is this out of a negative assessment for the female lung capacity? No.

Is it a Jerry Lewis-style assertion that not only are women not funny, they're not gifted with woodwinds either? No.

Is it just brainless sexism wrapped up as cultural mystique? No.

The truth is far more terrible. Mark Rose is stricken with fear for poor girls who may attempt to carry out the Daring Book's instructions, because...

Playing the didgeridoo causes women to become infertile.

Yes! A barren fate awaits those girls who feel like quick tootle, says Dr Rose, demonstrating the calm reason and scientific thinking that marks him as a giant of academe.

The issue's got him in an absolute panic, so concerned is he for the fairer sex. Teaching a girl to play the didgeridoo is like encouraging her to play with razor blades, he says, although I must take issue with him here. If my daughter is to become infertile, better she do it with a didgeridoo than with razor blades. The didgeridoo, after all, won't cause flesh wounds, and at least she'll be able to amuse herself with music as she lives out her childless life and dies alone.

Rose says the publishers committed an "extreme cultural indiscretion". But I say it is YOU, doctor, who have committed the extreme indiscretion: you have caused Andrew Bolt to sound reasonable.

And that's unforgivable*.

*although I still can't quite see why Andrew thinks talking to whales is "oppressive"...