With all of the Wall Street criminals taking Monday off, and apparently just sick and fucking tired of only being despised by gun nuts on the right, Attorney General Eric Holder sent his G-men in to bother a bunch of fucking hippies at Oaksterdam University. Joined by forces not ratified in the Constitution, and conveniently ignoring a little thing Southerners, Santorum, and racists (same thing) like to yammer on about (i.e. “states rights”), they set out with their $800 government hammers to crash their way through the doors of some of the world’s most dangerous pot growing teachers. Three local buildings were raided, with harshed witnesses watching agents load up their vans with sweet fucking bud and shit from the school. Oaksterdam president Richard Lee also found himself playing host to agents at his home the same morning. IRS spokeswoman Arlette Lee said a search warrant was being served and the probe was under seal in a Northern District Court. Attempts to get a hold of the IRS for further comment were met with a wait time greater than fifteen hours. Apparently Oaksterdam and Mr. Lee have been under double secret probation this entire semester. READ MORE »
That’s right fuckers, we said whom. Also, it was a trick question, because sneery pouty whiny smegma-lipped box o’ outrage Rick Santorum has already blamed his loss in DC on the fact that DC won’t vote for an out-of-the-box insurgent kinda guy like him. But who is really to blame for Rick Santorum’s loss in DC? Did you guess … Rick Santorum, for not paying the ballot filing fee? WINNA WINNA WINNA! Oh Washington DC, why won’t you let us have nice things? READ MORE »
Ooops. Yet another casualty of ALEC’s constant hard-on for making sure you can sodomize yourself with your semi-automatic weapon is Tampa, Florida’s effort to ban guns from the site of the GOP convention in August. NO NOT ALLOWED. DON’T TREAD ON ME, & CETERA. READ MORE »
Known race-hustler B. Hussein NOobAma will introduce USA network’s 50th anniversary broadcast of the film version of the charming children’s story of a simpler, less complicated time in American life, To Kill A Mockingbird. Why is Obama injecting race into and making himself the focus of this classic tale of postracial America? READ MORE »
RomneyExposed.com has shockingly RomneyExposed Mitt Romney and how he personally gay married every queer in Boston, because Mitt Romney hates Jesus. READ MORE »
Here is a nice story, fellows! A Republican representative in Michigan is not only against pee-testing those vile, filthy, scabies-befouled and constantly drug-addicted Medicaid queens, he has also introduced a bill requiring one-percenters to pee in the cup if they would like a government handout too! Now let us all hold hands and sing together, for niceness!
Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills, introduced House Bill 5527 on Wednesday that calls for top executives in companies to be drug tested if they receive certain tax breaks from the state. The bill currently has four co-sponsors: Pat Somerville, R-New Boston, Judson Gilbert, R-Algonac, Mike Shirkey, R-Clark Lake, and Jim Ananich, D-Flint.
That is so many R’s! READ MORE »
Arizona has now “outdone everyone,” as another media outlet puts it, by trying to establish that really when you think about it, a baby is made during that unpleasant time of the month during which a woman discards last month’s egg in preparation for a new one that she may or may not intend to meet with a sperm in holy zygotrimony. Yes, that’s right, AZ has already passed a bill in the senate, now making its way to the house, stating that the “age” of a zygote should be “calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman.” Sometimes it takes a couple of penises who don’t know anything to show us how the world really works. How things really should be. Life begins at conception, yes indeed, and conception is a bloody mess during which it is statistically nearly impossible to get pregnant. READ MORE »
Enter the warrior, he’s today’s Tom Sawyer, they call him RJ Brewer and he waves his flag in one hand and a copy of SB1070 in the other. RJ Brewer, being the fake son of Jan Brewer, fake governor of Arizona, enters the ring as if he owns it. Waiting for his opponent, he stops to educate his audience on the ways of this nation per Jesus, white Jesus, white English speaking Jesus. Basking in the glory of being one of the chosen is short lived when the clouds part, the sun rises and the crowd begins to cheer. The anti-American, the hero, the Mexican comes marching down the ring with ten tons of ass kicking odelay ready to tread where he pleases. But RJ learned by watching mommy. He knows how to shake a finger at a person of color. READ MORE »
General Services Administration head Martha Johnson and two cohorts resigned or were butt-kicked out the door Monday over some really hilarious spending habits of Our Money! What is a General Services Administration? Ms. Johnson might not have even known! No, but, well, the GSA is the “landlord” of the government, explains the news, and so it is quite something to find that this agency didn’t sit around avoiding fixing broken toilets or ousting rats from beneath the floorboards of America, or suspiciously accept payment only in cash, but instead spent taxpayer dollars on 1,000 $7 sushi rolls, a clown, hundreds of meat medallions, commemorative coins, a mindreader and some other fun at a team-building “conference” held in Las Vegas in 2010. Squirrel in headlights Johnson resigned, along with her deputies Robert A. Peck and Stephen Leeds, and four more GSA managers have been suspended. Let us tally up all the fun that was had by government employees as they drank and played trust exercises and got creeped out by a clown at the M Resort Spa Casino while we were trawling Monster.com and eating coffee grounds for breakfast! READ MORE »
Everyone’s favorite cooldaddy former GOP presidential candidate, serial quid pro quo lady harasser, and totally all-around-well-informed dude Herb Cain has a message for all you Union Thugz out there: You want a job don’t you? Well he will fire you if you join or organize a union! It seems like Ol’ Herb maybe does not know that firing employees for unionizing is against the law? (Still! But give the Supreme Court a little time. They have to outlaw Medicare first before they can get cracking on all of FDR’s other achievements.) Anyway, here is what Cain said, regarding the recall of Scott Walker, because he is an idiot (both he’s). READ MORE »
What’s Levi Johnston’s superhuman jizz got that chicks crave? It’s got electrolytes. The 21-year-old log of freshly pressed processed meats is now working on baby number at-least-two with his girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, who is 20 but a teacher? Did she graduate from college at 19 because she is a supergenius, or is that “teacher”? Is she a preschool teacher? Because they could say that. There is nothing wrong with being a preschool teacher. Nope, none of those things! According to Buzzfeed’s screengrab of her no longer searchable Facebook page, she is a high school graduate who worked at “biglake elementry school.” So, lunchlady? READ MORE »
Oh right so remember that redheaded lady spy? Well Assistant FBI Director for Counterintelligence C. Frank Figliuzzi told the Independent that her ladytrap was about to trap someone but good! Tell us more, Spencer Ackerman?
“They were getting close enough to a sitting U.S. cabinet member that we thought we could no longer allow this to continue,” says C. Frank Figliuzzi, the assistant FBI director for counterintelligence, according to the Independent. That alleged — repeat: alleged — sexual “closeness” prompted Figliuzzi’s agents to shift from monitoring Chapman’s crew of ten spies to arresting them in 2010.
We can probably take Eric Holder out of the running, because Anna Chapman is not blonde, and all African American dudes love blonde ladies it is the law. And we can take out Sexy Grandpa Joe Biden, because you know Dr. Jill Biden keeps her man happy. SO who is it then? BESIDES all of them? READ MORE »
Dude, total good one, Fox Nation:
Michelle Obama, who has quickly become the Obama campaign’s tip of the spear when it comes to fundraising and vote-getting, is now stumping for children to convince their “great-grandparents” to vote for her husband.
We see what you did there! READ MORE »
Remember like a week ago, when “bad boy” Breitbart reporter Jason Mattera turned out to be “bad” at his job? There he was, just cold grillin’ Bono about being a big huge hypocrite for, we don’t know, probably “taxes and Africa,” and he was all GOTCHA! and Sean Hannity was all yes, please, let’s put that on television, but then it turned out “Bono” was some pudgy schlub who didn’t even have a fake Irish accent. Well, be excited, because Jason Mattera now has an entire book where he can not recognize all the Hollywood celebrities in the whole wide world! (Jason, if you want to ask Michael Jackson about “Africa and taxes,” there are two of him outside Grauman’s right now, with Spider-Man. You are welcome!) Now let us review Ghost of Andrew Breitbart’s book review about this book, Hollywood Hypocrites, because it is even better than the real thing baby!
A Review of “‘HOLLYWOOD HYPOCRITES’ REVIEW: BRUTAL TAKEDOWN OF TINSEL TOWN’S BIGGEST MOUTHS” By Jason Mattera by Kurt Schlichter by Wonkette READ MORE »
Aw, the House GOP is feeling so lonely for its old boyfriend Earmarks that it is going around Congress quietly surveying friends to see how mad everyone would be if it got back together with Earmarks. Everything was better with Earmarks, wasn’t it, GOP Rep. Steven LaTourette? “You can’t get 218 votes (out of 242 Republican House members) and part of that has to be if you can’t give people anything (earmarks), you can’t take anything away from them,” he complained. That’s adorable, the Republican Party is so depressed without Earmarks in its life that it can barely show up for work anymore. So romantic! Time for Act Two, in which a comical plot to bring Earmarks back is carefully hatched… READ MORE »
