AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. STANDING BEHIND ME -- I HATE WHEN PEOPLE STAND BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME YOU SHOULD STAND IN FRONT OF ME SO I CAN MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT FOR UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PERIODS OF TIME AND CRANE KICK YOU IN THE CHIN IF YOU SAY ANYTHING THAT IS OFFENSIVE OR BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. CLUB TIJUANA'S MASCOT -- I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH IT AND LIFT WEIGHTS WHILE WATCHING ART FILMS TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!! WE CAN TALK ABOUT PUNCHING THINGS WHEN WE DON'T WANT EACH OTHER TO NOTICE THAT WE HAVE TEARS IN OUR EYES AND EAT OMELETS IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I WANT THAT SO BAD!!!!!!!!!

3. MARCUS HAHNEMANN COLABORATING WITH A HEAVY METAL BAND -- WHY CAN'T THIS BE ME?!??!?!?!? I GUARANTEE I AM BETTER HEADBANGER THAN HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAST NIGHT I WAS HEADBANGING TO TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS AND I DID IT SO HARD THAT I PUT THE AIR IN A COMA AND STARTED A SMALL FIRE JUST FROM MY RAPID NECK MOVEMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALSO PAINTED A MODEL SAILBOAT BUT THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNRELATED!!!!!!!!!!

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While European clubs are bemoaning the loss of their star players when the Africa Cup of Nations kicks off tomorrow, the players and staff who have traveled to host nations Equatorial Guinea and Gabon are bemoaning the poor accommodation and facilities on offer.

On Wednesday evening, Zambia's squad checked into their hotel in Bata, Equatorial Guinea — a nation where 70% of the population live under the United Nations Poverty Threshold of $2 a day. According to the Times of Zambia, the team found no running water at their base camp:

After being delayed to connect on a domestic flight, the squad was taken to a sub-standard Carmen Hotel where apart from finding dry taps, the Chipolopolo were made to wait for over three hours before they were served supper.

To make matters worse, the eating facilities were plagued with mystical levitating rats:

As the squad were about to take their meals, rodents were seen hovering around the hotel restaurant.

After missing a day of training and then finding no running water at their training facility either, Zambia transferred to another hotel, barely 24 hours after arrival. "Maybe we are not the best, maybe we are not a team with a big name, but we deserve respect," said coach Herve Renard.

The Zambians aren't the only ones having problems — the Ivory Coast are considering a switch from their inadequate hotel, and Burkino Faso coach Paulo Duarte believes his side have been unfairly discriminated against with their digs.

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Tigres won their first title in 29 years by beating Santos 4-1 over the two legs of the Mexico Primera Division apertura final in December. In the 56th minute of the second leg, referee Marco Antonio "Chiquidracula" Rodriguez decided to increase his card-showing efficiency in a match that included seven yellows and three straight reds by showing two yellows at the same time.

This, of course, is not conventional procedure for referees, who are supposed to book players one at a time. So this week it was announced that Rodriguez's flair for the dramatic and use of the extra yellow card he brought earned him a five-match ban. Said FMF secretary general Decio de Maria (via Univision):

"The situation of having drawn two yellow cards at the same time is outside the role, not something that is considered in the arbitration rules and is considered as if he had not responded to what happened and did not sanction it."

OK, so two yellow cards at the same time is frowned upon. Next time, Rodriguez

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Levante goalkeeper Gustavo Munua was trying to quickly retrieve a ball that flew into the stands during his side's 4-1 Copa del Rey loss to Valencia. When he tried to do so, the Valencia fan who caught the ball decided to give it back by bouncing it off the top off Munua's head.

According to Marca, the fan was then taken away by police.

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle...

From Inter's 2-1 Coppa Italia win over Genoa: Maicon says, "What, you can't do this?" [101gg]

The goal that cost bookie William Hill £570,000. [Independent]

Alexander Merkel: Milan's midfield savior? [Football Italia]

Great story: The world's most prolific goal scorer is someone you've never heard of. [TFB]

David De Gea may need eye surgery to improve his game. [Guardian]

When football ends. [The 72]

Rafa Marquez ready to put tumultuous 2011 behind him. [MLSsoccer]

Venn Diagram of Premier League strikers. [Bootiful Game]

Man City's indifferent form put down to Roberto Mancini's obsession with imaginary objects. [The Gaffer]

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As part of a very David Beckham day that began with a sit-down interview broadcast live on Youtube from the Googleplex, the LA Galaxy held a press conference to officially announced Beckham's two-year contract extension and unveil the club's new shirt.

Beckham said that there were "one or two" Premier League clubs after him (but deftly refused to specify which) before he re-signed with LA. Perhaps most surprisingly, he said that he's not even thinking about retiring after his new deal is finished. Said Beckham:

"I'm not looking to retire after those two years. Not at this moment - that might change.

"I'm 36 now, 37 in May, and I still feel good. I want to continue to play as much as possible. We were just talking about (former Manchester United teammate) Paul Scholes retiring and then he comes back. Players miss it."

When asked why he didn't sign for more than two years if that's the case, he laughed and said that it was all he was offered. He will, after all, be nearly 39 years

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Though Barcelona beat Real Madrid 2-1 at the Bernabeu in the first leg of their Copa del Rey quarterfinal, Pepe stepping on Lionel Messi's hand and going unpunished for it is the only moment from the game that people seem to care about (including us). And because of the outrage that ensued, Pepe decided to release an apology. Kind of.

Says Pepe, via RealMadrid.com:

"I wish to say yesterday's incident with Leo Messi was unintentional, but I nevertheless want to apologise to him if he was offended because all I do is defend my team and this institution. I give my heart and soul, and the thought of hurting a colleague has never entered my mind."

Except for those times when it clearly does.

If you're just going to say "if he feels offended, I apologize," why even bother? That's not an apology. In fact, I think our version of a Pepe apology was much more sympathetic than this one. It also included way more references to Gila monsters.

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Ajax and AZ Alkmaar finally played their Dutch Cup round of 16 match to completion after the first attempt was abandoned after a pitch invader attacked AZ keeper Esteban. And, as promised, they didn't in front of a crowd comprised solely of children under the age of 13 (plus one adult guardian for every six kids).

In total, there were 20,000 kids in the stands who were given free tickets for the replay on Thursday and as predicted, it sounded more like a tween idol concert than a professional football match. Which, considering some of the vile things that are chanted by adult fans, isn't all bad.

Here's video of the reaction to Siem De Jong's second goal for Ajax five minutes after AZ took a 2-1 lead in the 32nd minute...

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