Now listen here, Mitt Romney would just like to say, it is awfully unsporting of Barack Obama to go jaunting about on his campaign trail rousing mischief among the rabble and inciting their passions until they are envious of Mittens’ lovely piles of money. MANNERS. The correct way to address this dirty business of the wealth gap is NOT to go around discussing other peoples’ money in company, BARACK OBAMA, but instead, says Mitt Romney, to “talk about those things in quiet rooms.” READ MORE »
How are things? Bad? Oh. Well, there’s always “Angry Birds” or whatever. Oxycontin. And the fancy scientist people have moved the “symbolic” Doomsday Clock another minute closer to Midnight. This does not mean “another minute closer to Santa’s visit,” or whatever the popular superstitions are these days. It means the world will come to an actual end, as far as we know. Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years. Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.” But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway. WE choose to believe in American Football Jesus, who will take us all to Heaven, which will be like CostCo but everything will be covered in molten gold, even the 78-packs of Doritos. And we will never have to pretend to try to exercise, and we can hate black people with impunity. It’s going to be glorious, this American White People Heaven. READ MORE »
Newt Gingrich, Head Muckraker/Chief Hypocritical Ombudsman of Political Utterances Great and Small, is campaigning in South Carolina today, where he decided around 3 o’clock in the afternoon that his attacks of Romney’s time at Bain Capital might have gone too far. Gingrich was confronted by an unhappy Rick Santorum supporter during a — what else — book signing over his focus on Romney’s money-eating ways, which prompted the fourth-place New Hampshire primary contestant to admit that, yes, maybe this is all making him seem a little too Democratic. READ MORE »
One of the dimmer stars in the galaxy of indignities that Arizona’s teabagger governor loon Jan Brewer has wrought upon her dominion is the fact that she sold off the state’s capitol to a bunch of private investors in 2010 to raise some quick cash and is currently only leasing the government’s office space, which looks a little embarrassing as Arizona is now looking forward to celebrating its centennial next month in a rental shack. OOPS. She’s really sorry about this, though, so she wants the state legislature to buy it back for her with some of the money it’s been saving from cutting education and health care (and then passing a half-billion dollar corporate tax cut). This will heal the pain, surely! READ MORE »
Mitt Romney released a Spanish-language ad in Florida Wednesday in an attempt to put a swift end to the other presidential hobbyists’ efforts to prevent him from having to concede to President Obama in November. ODDLY, Romney’s ad comes just as he’s earned the endorsement (and endorsed the endorsement, obviously, because he has no friends) of Kris Kobach, aka the Kansas secretary of state and the architect of Arizona’s awful immigration law, SB 1070, and the even stricter Alabama law HB 56. Kobach is affiliated with two really creepy organizations, the Immigration Reform Law Institute and the Federation for American Immigration Reform, and he appears to spend every waking hour trying to take down pro-immigrant laws from states as far and wide as Pennsylvania, Texas and Nebraska. READ MORE »
Michelle Obama didn’t read that new book about her and the President, but she does have something to say about the tales therein. In an interview airing on CBS’s “This Morning” Wednesday (here’s a preview), the First Lady says, among other things, that she’s sick of being portrayed as “some kind of angry black woman.” “I guess it’s just more interesting to imagine this conflicted situation here,” she adds. EXCUSE ME, SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SELL A BOOK HERE, FLOBAMA. READ MORE »
Ha ha, the 2012 GOP primary season may turn out to be a boring one, but at least it will be really, really weird: here, for example, is amoral Fox News imp-turd Sean Hannity staring in disbelief as Rick Perry smacks down Mitt Romney for being a “vulture capitalist” over and over like a drugged armadillo. Hannity steps in to demand: WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE AN OCCUPY COMMUNIST? READ MORE »
Mitt Crazy Eyes/9000/My Twinn Doll Romney has been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary, seizing 37.3 percent of the vote, according to AP, with 43 percent of precincts reporting as of the time that this post was delivered to the Internet. Ron Paul is second with 23.4 percent, and Jon Huntsman scurried up to third place with 17.4 percent. READ MORE »
NO we have not yet entered the 2012 general election phase of America’s ongoing destruction, but YES, it is time for a Wonkette drinking game, because how else was anyone planning to survive the hailstorm of dildos raining Apocalypse and Gloom on our nation from the New Hampshire GOP primary tonight? Yeah, WE THOUGHT SO. Let’s recap: Mitt Romney is going to win, but if he wins by less than a 250-million-point margin, then he has Lost, forever, because then the entire universe (Twitter) would be required to shut up about who will win the Republican nomination (hint: he won’t win by enough for this to happen). Ron Paul might win second place because no one has been paying attention to his batshit platform of dismantling the federal government and HOORAY MAREE-JUWANNA LEGALIZATION, and Jon Huntsman will come in third or possibly second because whatever, “Hunts-mentum” was a fun distraction for a couple seconds. Everyone else amounts to the collection of empty acid rainwater-soaked Skoal canisters piled outside your Uncle Bruce’s trailer. Let the drinking begin! READ MORE »
Oklahoma’s 10th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down Oklahoma’s proposed amendment to ban the use of Sharia law in the state Tuesday, helping to catapult this evil maneuver into oblivion. The court’s ruling upheld a lower court’s 2011 decision to block the amendment, which received 70 percent support when it was passed in a 2010 referendum. The amendment was essentially an Islamophobic attempt to define what it means to live in America. Muneer Awad, a community leader in Oklahoma, filed a suit in response to the amendment, saying that if passed, it “would affect every aspect of his life, including his will and testament.” READ MORE »
Spying the young people hanging out chez Paul, Huntsman and even Romney, Gingrich and formerly Santorum in New Hampshire, you would think that they were slightly revved up about 2012. But New Hampshire’s young people also happen to have the most student debt, on average, of all the states. Many of these young folk are likely living at home, don’t have jobs, and identify with the Occupy movement, if they’re not actually participating in it. What, for this set of New Hampshire residents, might be the advantages of electing a Newt or a Mitt 9000? Since these guys could set up a veritable trust fund for America using their own earnings, could that mean they’ll use their powerful potential positions to use money that doesn’t belong to them (but to us) to make things easier for Our Future?!?! Read on for the surprising answer! READ MORE »
KNOWN FACT: Unemployed people are lazy and refuse to get jobs. Why else would South Carolina’s unemployment rate always be hanging out around ten percent? So here’s an idea from the state’s Republican lawmakers: if the jobless don’t want to work for money, they should at least be legally required to work for free, right? Right. So State Senator Paul Campbell has introduced a bill to convert workers who are unemployed longer than six months and still want to receive state benefits into mandatory “volunteers,” which calls into question whether he understands what this word means. READ MORE »
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