spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Beth.

Here’s a horrible indictment on the state of the NHS, colourfully illustrated by a woman giving birth in the middle of a hospital waiting room in full public view.

The response from readers of the Standard? She’s fahckin’ brahn, intshe.

cost of one baby approx 20K, so she has cost 120K just in babies. I am not even going to mention the housing benefit she will get with 6 kids.
No sympathy from me, I am afraid.
Mike, London

No, no sympathy from Mike. Just a vapid assumption that the brown woman is on benefits. Had to undergo a humiliating experience in front of strangers and are one in a long line of examples of grossly inadequate services at a major London hospital? Fuck you! You don’t deserve sympathy. Have some scorn instead: hot British scorn. See, she’s fucking smiling in that photo – no sympathy! No wonder she’s smiling, living the easy life with those six kids on all that housing benefit it’s safe to assume she’s getting because she’s brown. And because, apparently, you get housing benefit for having kids.

I can’t really feel sorry. Ilford via where? Sixth child at my expense? I’m rather glad she didn’t get a bed. Perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal.
Vomit inducing, London

Yes, we’ll be sending bailiffs around for your car and flat screen TV later so we can flog them on eBay to pay for her treatment. And then we’ll be moving two of her kids into your spare room. And you have to pay for them and look after them. But you can’t show them any love and they won’t show you any respect. Big Society thing. We’re doing direct democracy, but we’re trying the direct taxation thing first.

Max Clifford will be on the case with Cheri Blair chasing a buck on the human rights front…..Back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself thank your lucky stars your in the UK milking the system.
avalidopinion, London.Uk

Yes, wherever “back home” is, you can safely assume it’s unreasonably savage and uncivilised and people live in mud huts. Because it’s fairly obvious that unless it’s Spain (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished terracotta block housing), Italy (waterlogged but wonderfully decorated and sparsely furnished canalside block housing), Greece (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished villas in olive groves), or Egypt (they have hotels, apparently, I know a guy who went there on holiday, said it was hot, but nice, but there were a lot of annoying locals touting for business, haven’t been there myself, but it seems about right) then if it’s hot and people wear things on their heads, and they’re not royalty or something, they must live in some kind of mud hut. Why, even their hospitals will be made of mud or something! Stands to reason! It’s not racism. It’s common sense, and it’s a valid opinion.

Tip: if you have to state that you think your opinion is valid, then it’s probably a shit opinion, and you’re a giant fucknugget.

In the interests of balance how about a reporter from the Standard doing a background check on this story and finding out if this woman has the financial means to support such a large family, does she or her husband work? If not, just how much money does her family attract from the state? Also, keep an eye on the hospital and see if they do make a payout of tax payer’s money.
Pete, Northumberland/Iraq

Yes, that’s balance. I’m glad you’re familiar with the principles of balance, proportion and fairness and how they’re relevant to journalism today. For instance, it’s entirely fair and in the spirit of balanced journalism that if these people are actually on benefits, or if they receive any form of subsidy for the state at all – or even if there’s the merest non-race based suspicion that they do – then someone should violate their basic right to privacy and delve right into their finances just to be sure. Because if we didn’t know where they got their money from, then how exactly would we know if it was fair that she had to give birth in full view of complete strangers in the middle of a hospital waiting room?

Tell you what, in the interest of balance, while we’re using the Standard’s journalists to investigate this woman’s finances, let’s subject Pete to daily public colonoscopies without anaesthetic or lubrication. I have no real reason for suggesting this, except that I think Pete might have a better idea of what public humiliation and unnecessary invasion of privacy might feel like if we ram a 15ft tube up his arse in public every day for a week, and he might end up thinking twice before he suggests something painful, humiliating and invasive so he can get closure. Which, incidentally, is something his arsehole won’t be getting for a while if we go through with my plan.

How it can be ‘racist’ to describe the overwhelming of the NHS; the education system; the benefits’ system; and every aspect that is free at point of delivery, defeats me. The combined idiocy of the awful Blair-Brown Terror and their ludicrous open door policy has reduced this country to a shambles and practically ungovernable. France has a much better health service but their benefits are not in the same league as ours, so everyone flocks to Britain.

The person from Dundee ought to spend some time here in London. She clearly lives in a parallel universe.
David Llewelyn Davies, London, a Region of the European Soviet Union

You’re right David. It’s not racist to describe all of those things. It’s just racist when you say things like “back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself” and “Ilford via where?” and “perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal”. Oh, and mentioning all those things and then saying something about a “ludicrous open door policy” and relating it all to immigration, and blaming people of a different colour. That’s racist – in fact, the blue riband of being a racist twat. It’s like a more nuanced, “I’m not racist, but…”

Just for fun, here’s another one about the same hospital, this time involving someone brown who died, but who has a husband with a better standard of English than most commenters. Can you spot the blame game in the comments?

That’s right… it’s the forrins we got for nurses. Merry Christmas. Seriously, have a good one.

Thanks to Claire.

Here’s Richard Dawkins telling everyone why he won’t debate with cunts. Wise words. Call them a cunt and then leave off. You could learn a great deal from this man.

Here’s someone who couldn’t, largely down to the burden of converting oxygen to energy and exhaling carbon dioxide.

So, do you remember that observed phenomenon when people extrapolate their own lives into the lives of the rich, famous, well-educated or hideously busy?

Of course Dawkins is reading this Toyo06.

What do you think he is, an Olympian God?

He wrote the little diatribe, he made his splash and now he wants to see the ripples.
Nainital

Yes. Richard Dawkins has been sat there, at his computer, continually refreshing the page, waiting for your comments. That’s what he does. He just writes articles for national newspapers, and then he goes on the internet to find the article and then he sits there and continuously refreshes the page waiting to see exactly which irrelevant shitmunching tossburger he’s pissed off this time.* And then he has another wank. He does exactly what you do – notwithstanding that you’re the irrelevant shitmunching tossburger in this whole paradigm, of course, and your involvement with any online community is very much the equivalent of a five year old child pissing in the corner of the room.

Has anyone else noticed that ‘Dawkins’ spelt backwards is ‘snik wad’, eh? I think that tells us a lot.
errrrr

Tells us either that you’re just a cunt, or you’re even shit at irony. But probably the cunt thing. It’s usually the cunt thing.

*Notwithstanding this statement, Dawkins has his say here. For God’s sake, please don’t get dragged in, Richard. It’s only a matter of time before you’re sat there at 5am in your underpants arguing on Yahoo News with a man from Texas whose considered opinion is that dinosaurs still exist and now they just all have jobs in government. At the very least, it shows that even the best of us can’t get involved in any part of the internet without exercising our right to reply. And that’s also my excuse.

Thanks to Ged.

Personally, I find it hard to approach the death of someone famous in a tactful way. Some people are more blessed. And others less so.

Its obviously something thats affected everyone deeply. The sheer unexpected nature of this is what is causing such pain. An accident is easier to understand. An illness gives you time to prepare. Even mental illness, whether its depression, bipolar or schizophrenia allows the relatives to steel themselves for this terrible possibility.

Its scant consolation given the apparent mystery surrounding Speed’s death, but all they have is good memories of a well-loved, well respected, honest, decent and admirable man. This will become important as times passes and, hopefully, some explanation emerges.

If he was suffering from depression or a related mental illness, it is a blessing that no one was the wiser considering his drastic action. They would have been powerless to help and would have had to deal with the wrenching pain of watching a loved one go through such horrendous torment.

Speed’s family and friends will be devastated, but they should hold on to what they had, rather than what might have been.
mikeygow

Yeah, it’s much better for his family and friends that he killed himself and they were none the wiser about anything. I’m sure once they’re done grieving they’ll take great solace from the fact that he wasn’t any trouble about it all, and at least they didn’t have to deal with a depressed bloke hanging around the place.

I shared a lift with Gary Speed in Albania in 1995. Although no words passed between us he seemed like a nice chap, although we were both heading for reception so there wasn’t much to say.
roastpudding

Yeah, cheers, mate! Let us know when you’ve not spoken to someone else.

Talkin’ ’bout washroom facilities.

I don’t find it acceptable to refer to the toilet as “washroom facilities” in a British newspaper.
wobinidan

My word, no. “Washroom facilities”? In a British newspaper? How dare you bring your crass Americanisms over here to our fair sceptred isle! This green and pleasant land, this land of hope and glory, of the Dunkirk spirit, Drake’s children, lion-hearted paragons of morality and truth, whenceforth did come the spirit – nay, freedom! – of the evacuation of one’s bowels and the damn near perfect British right to refer to the entire bathroom simply by referring to one of the features in said room! The toilet – the place where you go, curiously enough, not only to take a dump, but also the place you’ll go to wash your hands and have a quick Uncle Doug over the good old British page three stunnas in The Fucking Sun, For Fuck’s Sake. And allow any truly British person to be aghast, astounded and indignant should anyone try and not call it the toilet! For the way of the toilet – that is our British way!

I am aghast and astounded and highly indignant! Aghast, astounded, indignant and thoroughly ashamed that I managed to read that entire article and wasn’t nearly enough of an anally retentive, narrow-viewed, pedantically minded, jingoistic prick to notice that someone referred to the toilet as washroom facilities. Or, would you believe, not possessed of a brain so utterly dulled by a diet of Micro Chips, EastEnders and Simon Cowell brand orange pop that I decide to engage in an argument over the proper British terminology. Is is the toilet, or do we call it the lavatory? It’s so confusing! What’s the etiquette?

Clearly, I’m not British enough for our newspapers if I’m going to let such a gross slur on our national identity get by without remonstration, or even allow the remonstration to go without remonstration. As for the remonstration of the remonstration of the remonstration – well, I’m simply not man enough to go for the requisite eight weeks of continuous Typhoo enemas and intravenous Mr Kipling to get to that level of Britishness. And when you can’t imagine taking eight almond slices in the femoral artery, you know it’s time to move somewhere foreign and try to start again there.

There was a law voted in in Italy in 1988 initiated by the Communists guaranteeing free and unrestricted access to all the bogs in bars in Rome.

The result: all the bogs in bars in Rome suddenly had “Out Of Order” notices on them; the keys kept behind the bar for ‘valued customers.’

The moral of this story? Marxism cannot be introduced through social democracy.

( And the Italians are wily sods )
Gordonbnt

No, I think the moral of the story is that no matter how mundane and ordinary the discussion, there’s always going to be some cunt hanging around capable of reducing even the slowest and most banal of conversations to a geological pace with a demonstrative life story that makes all good and decent people want to kill their own children to save them growing up in the same world as that person. And the ancillary moral is that no matter where you go to escape there’ll always be someone ready to tell you why communism failed and why you’re stupid for not thinking of it

If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside standing in the rain, scrubbing myself vigorously with a toilet brush and singing Land of Hope and Glory until my skin bleeds steak and kidney pudding and I end up the right shade of pasty-white bovine spongiform British to actually be able to participate in the discussion. Cheerio.

Thanks to Erik.

Who would have thought that a Britney Spears concert would be shit? Well, the Telegraph obviously took time out to review it, as befits its status as a major piece of cultural history and a turning point in 21st century musical…

…no, who am I kidding. I can’t even be ironic about it. It’s all just shit. Not everyone thinks so, though.

You can tell a man wrote this!!

Britney has done an amazing job with her comeback, there’s not many people out there that could’ve done the same!

Lets be fair….. anyone with human emotions would look a little ‘unsure’ of themselves when on stage in front of thousands of people if they were bullied and hounded by the media like Brit is!!

And the reason Rhianna’s gig sold so many……well, personally I think that white people are becoming a minority in this country…..enough said!!!
Jessica Hulme

Yes, it’s the gender of the author that really distinguishes taste. After all, if this had been written by someone with a vagina, you could put your house on a very favourable review. Britney’s struggles with being an alcoholic, dope fiend, terrible parent and remote controlled pop wank are very much something all females can relate to, especially if said females are utter cretins that buy the fucking magazines that pay the photographers and journalists to bully and hound her. But I bet you’re not one of them, are you, Jess?

And enough said about the reasons Rhianna sold so many tickets – it’s all those black people taking over the Great White Britain, stupid! I know Jess didn’t say it as such, but her clumsy attempt at disguising her inherent bitter racism raises interesting philosophical questions. For instance, can you be white and like Rihanna? If the races mustn’t mix, where do we stand on Ricky Martin? Are the chances that you’re a groundlessly snobby piece of racist white trash wallowing in some suburban hole significantly higher if you admire Britney Spears? If a rancid fartbubble with an attitude problem and a false sense of smug superiority mutters racist comments behind the backs of their co-workers and there’s no-one around to hear it, does HR make a sound?

Oh, Jess. I feel like I know you. In the sense that I’ve known many people who make trashy, snide comments behind people’s backs and who feel the internet is some kind of safe refuge, some magical land where they can use their Twitter account to comment on Telegraph articles, without realising that their real name appears on it and they can’t delete it.

erm, I went to the Rihanna gig at the 02. Was mostly white. I’m confused about what you’re implying?
Diva Devotee

She’s implying she’s a massive racist. Or am I inferring that? No, I don’t think it’s an inference when someone’s just done the internet equivalent of nudging you in the ribs ten times with an elbow and an exaggerated wink. Also, I don’t think you’re confused – I think you’re being polite. Just call a spade a spade. Jess does.

I don’t know why but I have a strange relationship with Britney. There is a sweetness and vulnerability that will always make me root for her like I do no one else. I would probably even go and watch her if she decided to come out on a wheel chair and mime to her hits.

The problem I have is that many of the decisions in her life- including being on tour- don’t seem to be her choice. I was horrified to read that she doesn’t even have control over her own money, due to her mental state, but they seem to think it’s okay to trot her out on tour.

All is obviously not well in camp Britney and I actually feel guilty parting with money that may lead to the prolongation of this painful puppet show. However, Britney could make not spending money on her a whole lot easier for me if she stopped releasing albums that are just so damn addictive (ie. everything after, and including the Blackout album) .

Get well soon Brit. I’m rooting for you!
Diva Devotee

Yes, if only she wouldn’t carry on releasing those albums and doing those shows you’ve just said she’s being forced to do. Then you wouldn’t have to go and see them. Not that you have the power of independent choice or anything. No, it’s okay. You just keep knowingly contributing to the downfall of someone you consider sweet and vulnerable, and give us a frank admission that you’d continue to do so way beyond the point of farce. It’s not like it’s a complete tragedy and an indictment on the way we elevate and destroy celebrity status with some kind of bizarre, insect-like mass behaviour. Not when you get to dance around the front room to her CD for 20 minutes on the weekend.

On second thought, I think Jess did confuse you, didn’t she?

Thanks to Nik. Thank you, Nik, for the aneurysm.

Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.

Thanks to Patrick.

What do you get when you add a crazy conspiracy theorist and quasi-legendary blob of leopard’s fanny batter to the Daily Mail? Nothing, it’s completely normal, and the only mystery is exactly how it took Paul Dacre this long to start throwing money at James Delingpole for writing exactly what his audience of 1 million pumped up twats want to read. Which is apparently a cringingly ignorant assessment of how Marxism is starting to erode our values because the BBC have shifted from using AD and BC to CE and BCE. Which they haven’t. But screw it, it’s something to do a defanged puff adder impression over.

BRAVO! A great article, but is anyone listening? I feel that it’s a lot like Nazism which crept in to Germany insidiously over time. If we don’t wake up to this creeping threat, then 1984 will be here sooner than we realize.
David , Darlington, England

Yes, to paraphrase Pastor Niemoller, first they came for the little letters at the end of dates, but I did nothing because I’m not a little letter at the end of a date. Then they came for the incorrect use of semicolons, but I did nothing because I know how to use a semicolon properly. Then they started herding free-thinking Britons onto trains, but I did nothing because they always complained that the trains never showed up, so how was I to know they didn’t want to go on the trains when they finally arrived? Then they started using knowledge they’d gained to change things, but it was too late, because I’m nearing retirement and still work in a low-level customer service job, and I don’t like change, so I got on the Daily Mail website and made a comment about how it’s all turning into Nazi Germany and 1984, and then I felt slightly better. But my boss is still a woman and a lot younger than me. And apparently she doesn’t go to church.

“Oh come on! Pretty much anyone who reads or studies history are well aware of BCE, its been widely used for decades, and is now standard practice in many universities in America as well as here.” – Chris, Dorset.
—————————————–
Jesus, that was Delingpole’s point. People who “have studied history”, ie people who have gone through tertiary. Outside of that, who else has?
Another Jeff, London

I know for a fact they specifically restrict books on history to those people who’ve got a degree in it. Last time I was in Waterstones, I tried to buy a Simon Schama book and was flatly refused because I couldn’t produce any documentation certifying I had at least an upper second class honours degree in history, or at least 48 level 3 credits in pre-Enlightenment historical analysis! Why should so-called “intelligent” people get to “use” their “education” to do “things”? How dare people “study” “history” at “university” and then “apply” that “knowledge” or “otherwise” try and make “people” “aware” that “their” ill-formed “rant” was “predicated” on complete bollocks? It’s just not sporting, telling someone they’re wrong.

I’m sorry, Chris from Dorset, but we’re British around here, and we get more British the more we think about people using knowledge they’ve learned from going somewhere we haven’t been and doing something we haven’t done. Unless it’s Richard “Hamster” Hammond, of course. Then we’re all too keen to learn how Hornby train sets ruled the world. As long as he looks suitably ignorant and childishly amazed while a credible boffin explains things in simple sentences. When you phrase things right, it’s not that hard to understand the complex stuff. Who needs a university degree to learn all about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle when Richard Hammond has just covered it with a toy car and a loofah in twenty seconds?

We built an empire on flat-out ignorance and thinking anything we don’t have to do is simple. And we’re so proud of it that if you dare come around here with your fancy book-learning, we’ll give you what for by letting you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we know fuck all and we’re proud of it! Imperial British logic, Chris from Dorset. Quail and cower in its presence:

All atheists are anarchists by nature; and all anarchists are parasites by design that enjoy feeding off the misery endured by the vulnerable. The vulnerable of course are all those Religious individuals who wouldn’t wish their worse fears on anybody else. All anarchists should be asked the simple question :- ” when did you decide to be born “.
Catch-42, Macclesfield, England

Chris, Dorset: pay close attention. This is the kind of supreme logic that made sure the sun never set on the British Empire. And not one piece of tertiary, secondary or primary education is involved. Just a whole one point seven five imperial pints of horse piss direct from Catch-42′s brain.

Thanks to Tom and Piers for spotting Professor Emeritus of Yeah, But and Ah-ha, You Didn’t Think Of That, Did You at Fucking Heidelberg, Mike Solomons. He’s just what you need when science raises its ugly head above the parapet: a man ready with a loaded gun full of impenetrable logic ready to shoot it down.

Speed in relation to what? Is the speed of light supposed to be absolute or relative to its immediate surroundings? Remember the test route is travelling in space due to movement of the earth.

Maybe the calculations need to include speed of rotation of the earth, rotation around the sun, and movement of our solar system in space.

Or maybe Einstein’s theories were incomplete.
Mike Solomons

Yes, he forgot to compensate for the Bell-End Effect. That’s where the collective drag on the rest of the universe of someone with half a shit idea slows the speed of light down so much that the observer tries to commit suicide using a drinking straw from a Capri-Sun. It’s demonstrated by measuring Nelson’s Constant – where the IQ can never be more than one – and doing something proper sciency to that until you reach the Massive Fucking Fanny Horizon, where everything you read from self-congratulating helmet cheesers on the internet just becomes one huge, coagulated mess of monkey spunk dribbling down a laptop screen.

Look, here’s the equation:

Solve for X.

Thanks to Robert, who found this.

Stuart_MCFC
24 Minutes ago
Those knocking the BBC for publishing this article – do you not want any criticism of capitalism?
>>>>>>>>>

I think people like myself dislike the BBC’s left wing bias is because we have seen what happens when socialism take over and are not fooled by the romatanic lie. The milions killed under the name of socialism / communism would only want us to expose it.
AuntieLeft

Yes, I fully expect that the victims of totalitarian orders around the world are, at this very moment, looking down on the BBC and decrying just how disgusting their output is, and how it’s exactly like what they went through when they were alive. Especially the prison camps, the secret police and the constant, creeping fear you get every time you tune into BBC Four.

And I’m sure that they’re up there in heaven right now and cheering you on for your indefatigable crusading, only too happy that you’re doing your level best to fight against the injustices they suffered by getting on the internet literally every day and making at least one overly-dramatic, borderline messianic blog comment about the BBC that hardly anyone reads.

Adapting Churchill, “Capitalism is the worst system, except for all the others”. Capitalism has issues – but it’s still our best bet.

Also, the author is mistakenly fixated with Western economies. Globally, capitalism is working better than ever. In 30 years of capitalism, hundreds of millions of people in China & India have been lifted from poverty.

If Marx lived, he would retract his thesis.
Matt Hunter

Nah, I think he’d just hand it over to you and let you swap some words about to vaguely prove a point you thought you had, just like Churchill would have. Yes, I know he said “democracy”, but you’re right, what he actually meant was “whatever the fuck that twat Matt Hunter wants it to say.”

Fair cop, though – I’m sure as hell if Marx were around today he wouldn’t bother with any manifestos to free men from their chains. He’d go for something simpler. Like, “Fuck me, I’ve just been reading the BBC website, and what a bunch of cunts those people commenting on there are. I reckon I’d rather stick my beard in a cotton gin than have to read through all that shite produced by those self-important fuckwits. All hail dictatorship of the bourgeoisie, because if those Have Your Say wankers have the vote we’re all fucked.”