The Defibrillator

18-60 Munchen

Mad Mac expressly notes on the front page that the numbering system is ‘becoming tenuous’.

Also on the front page, if you squint you’ll be able to see it here, are the plaintive words “This Time, Maybe ??“.

This edition of TAG appeared just ahead of the 1990 World Cup, and having qualified fairly gloriously for the Finals, there was a guarded optimism that we might, this time maybe, progress beyond the group stage, where our opponents were to be Costa Rica, Sweden and Brazil.  For those of you who cannot remember what in fact happened next, tune into the review of TAG 19.

Without giving the game away I can say that Mad Mac’s editorial in this edition prophetically began “Scotland aren’t going to win the World Cup“  before continuing “…..it would be very disappointing, to put it mildly, if we couldn’t even register a single goal victory against the Central Americans (Costa Rica)….“

Gary Oliver writes entertainingly and at length about what turned out to be Gordon Brown’s team, Raith Rovers.  He evokes memories of the Railway Cowshed, a nine-goal thriller at Ibrox (lost 8-1), the advent of manager Bobby Wilson who ‘set about assembling the worst-ever Raith Rovers team with almost missionary-like zeal‘, defeats of mortifying proportions at Kilbowie (7-2) and Meadowbank (6-0), Wilson’s dismissal succeeded by the appointment of Frank Connor (‘Alex Brash and Hamish McAlpine (combined age 69) were drafted in to bolster the defence‘), all of this reaching a climax with this extraordinary sentence, “Gaining promotion on an unforgettable afternoon in Stranraer remains probably the highlight of my two decades of watching Raith Rovers“.

Of course, Gary was not to know it then, but the greatest day in the Rovers history lay four years in the future when they won the League Cup by defeating Celtic in the Final – definitely dancing in the streets of Raith that day.

Bruno Glanvilla meanwhile says no to plastic pitches and forecasts that the semi-finalists in the forthcoming Mondial will be Argentina, Brazil, England and Scotland – Italy still too naive, Holland a flash-in-the-pan, West Germany lacking the flair of the four favourites. Was he right, readers? Tune in to the review of TAG 19 to find out.

Tinkering with the League structure is back on the agenda again. In a piece quite brilliantly entitled ‘Foibles of the Reconstruction’ we get the views of fanzine editors of Auchinleck Talbot and Pollok on the prospects of Junior clubs aspiring to join the Senior league via a pyramid system along the lines of the Vauxhall Conference in England, while there’s a separate, but related, article on the end-of-season play-offs.

Back to the World Cup theme and it’s Part II of the A-Z – “S is for Scotland. Throughout the footballing world, from Europe to Asia to Africa to South America, the word has a universal meaning, which can be translated as ‘a footballing tragedy, bitter disappointment, why the fuck do we bother etc etc‘”

I suspect that many of you are like me and buy a programme at every match you attend, but then rarely read them – I used to treat them simply as a souvenir or memento of the game, the actual contents normally being execrable. Mike Alway surveys the entire scene, contrasting the expensive and turgid rubbish produced by eg Rangers with the cheaper and more entertaining fare on offer at eg Stirling Albion.  Nearly every programme has a ‘player profile’ in which the player confesses his favourite album (usually Nana Mouskouri or The Commodores or somesuch) and that kind of thing. Mike finds one where Royal Albert’s Paddy O’Callaghan was asked ‘who would you most like to meet?’ and responded “Pope John Paul and any good-looking blonde“.

There’s a very long joint article about the then current state of the Premier League, focusing particularly on St Mirren (underachievers), Motherwell (underachievers) and Rangers (bastards). Motherwell’s underachievement was, of course, destined to be temporarily interrupted less than a year later when they won the Scottish Cup in one of the best matches I’ve ever been at.

By 1990 of course, Ireland had more or less become the new Scotland (ie a wee country punching above its weight at the top table of international football) while Scotland of course had conversely become the new Ireland (ie usually tripe, redeemed only occasionally by the very odd triumph). Donal Dunne gives you the lowdown on how this happened and the likelihood of it all reverting back sometime soon.

Nigel Burbage brings you a long-range weather forecast, preceded by the first ever reading from the Old Testament to feature in TAG – “And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the Earth de-da de-da dum dum dum etc etc” – Genesis 7: 19&20 – this by way of an introduction to a cheery lesson about how climate change, the greenhouse effect, global warming etc might drown several senior football grounds in Scotland. A fairly modest rise in sea-levels and Aberdeen, Rangers, Dumbarton, St Mirren, Morton and several others would be swept away to join the new Atlantic league – in the Atlantic !!. A slightly bigger rise in sea level would lead to a Scottish Premier division consisting perforce of Airdrie, Cowdenbeath, Albion Rovers, Dunfermline, Motherwell, Dundee, Dundee United, Hamilton, Brechin and Forfar, being the only clubs 50 metres above sea level.  Good news for Blue Brazil fans.

You can have a guided tour of football in San Marino (not to be confused as it frequently was in the 1980′s with Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino). Or learn about how football is losing its soul to big business. Mac hilariously spotlights radio phone-ins, Jimmy Sanderson of course to the fore (“I have nothing against Mr Roxburgh personally, but I think he should never have been appointed“), but joined by the much more reasonable and likeable Bob Crampsey (“Well I think there are three points here“) and the utterly unintelligible John Greig (“John made several major contributions to the development of the English language including the introduction of the word ‘eh‘ as a means of punctuating sentences…..“).

Mad Mac is back with more bloody statistics in an article entitled ‘More Bloody Statistics’ wherein he proves that Motherwell are the best-supported team in the country.

My own contribution to this edition was a survey of football players’ names

http://almax.wordpress.com/2006/04/30/the-absolute-game-revisited-part-26/

That modest wee article actually contains a ‘joke’ that came to me in a dream. I had been trying to write the article one night and I was tinkering with the ideal Scotland line-up of Weir Young and Speedie, Ure Auld and Gray, Ure Auld Bauld, Gray and Duff. Players names were obviously still in my mind when I went to sleep, because at about 3am I suddenly awoke, and amidst protests from my wife I had the light on and was searching for pen and paper to write down the revelation that had come to me in the dark, viz – “I Fought D. Law and D. Law Won“. Unfortunately, the only way I could use this bon mot in the finished article was as a mere sub-heading, but I remain quite inordinately proud of both that line, and the sub-heading that preceded it, viz ‘St John the Baptie“.

This time the letter writers are all ultra-reasonable bods with sensible points to make, though a Stranraer fan took the time to compile league tables for all Scottish senior teams based on their league positions over the preceding ten years. He then placed the teams in the order of their ‘average league positions’, with the result that Stranraer ended up bottom, as consistently the worst team in Scotland over the preceding decade. Nowt as queer as folk.

PS – And this is a very belated PS indeed to my article about footballers names – the actual line-up of Michael Palin’s team was -

Hagerty F., Hagerty R., Tomkins, Noble, Carrick, Dobson, Crapper, Dewhurst, MacIntyre, Treadmore, Davitt.

My version wasn’t even close

17 Nentori

The numbering of this issue reaches new heights/depths of the arcane.

Unless you are well up on Albanian football of the 1940/50′s then this one may pass you by.

17 Nentori was the name given in 1947 by the Communist government to the football club formerly  known as SK Tirana (and now known as KF Tirana).

Anyway, once you are inside this edition you find Mad Mac’s unfavourable reception of Lord Justice Taylor’s report on the Hillsborough disaster. As had been widely trailed and anticipated, Lord Taylor had gone for the easy option of recommending all-seated stadia, even though the existence of terracing per se was not the cause of the disaster. Mac recognised the inevitability of all-seating now being imposed on football fans, even though many wished to stand. As always, the very last and least people to be consulted were the actual spectators. (On a personal note – in 1990, as one who had always stood on the terracing at football matches, I was incensed at the idea of being forced to sit. Now, 20 years later, I give thanks to Lord Taylor for allowing old codgers the relief of a guaranteed seat at the game.)

There’s a look back at 1974 when Scotland’s amazing sequence of qualifying for the World Cup Finals began. 1974 – the year of Jinky’s attempt to row to the Finals in Germany. A year when the world cup single ‘Easy Easy’ achieved such chart success that ‘there was the hellish prospect that Top of the Pops would be hosted by Archie MacPherson‘. The year when we started off our campaign in the Finals by beating Zaire 2-0, leading to the team being roundly condemned for the paucity of the victory (and that is a criticism which will never be able to be directed at a Scotland team again – nowadays any victory against anybody is welcomed).  This was followed by one of our greatest performances ever in tonking Brazil, the holders, 0-0. Unfortunately Yugoslavia beat Zaire 9-0 and the writing was on our wall.

There’s the Loony’s latest epistle from Berwick, this one beginning ominously “In a ‘clear the air’ meeting with Berwick Rangers supporters in January, Chairman George Deans was asked the whereabouts of the £110,000 received in transfer fees for John Hughes and Neil Oliver……..(on 8 February) Deans buggered off and bought Falkirk…….” (Note from me – funnily enough, a year or two later George Deans and his father found themselves in the dock at Falkirk Sheriff Court where the question this time was about the whereabouts of the gate takings at several of Falkirk’s home matches. The Deans’ escaped conviction and imprisonment apparently because the Sheriff reached the conclusion that almost every director of Falkirk FC had for many years  been stealing from the club and he couldn’t apportion exact responsibility)………”the abiding memory is of a devious and secretive little spiv who ran the club with all the openness of a Masonic Lodge…..“

Scottish Women’s football is spotlighted, a book on Belfast Celtic is previewed, Bruno Glanvilla waxes lyrical on Scotland’s prospects in Italia 90 “Oh, how can I express to you the joys of seeing Roy Aitken in full flow, or Jim Leighton commanding the penalty area with a confidence born of so many superlative displays at this level….“, and still on the World Cup theme there’s part 1 of an A-Z (“C is for Costa Rica, a nation whose football prowess we know little of…….“).

Mad Mac investigates the ebbs and flows of crowd sizes over the years (under the heading “271′s a Crowd” with the sub-heading “well, it is for East Stirling anyway“), and some of the figures are actually quite eye-opening from the perspective of 2009. We live in an age when 60,000 people regularly turn up at Celtic Park and 50,000+ turn up at Ibrox to watch what is frequently dire rubbish. The average crowd at Celtic Park in 1969/70 (making due allowance for the biscuit tin massaging of the figures) was 35,411 (at a time when Celtic were a major European force), and then ten years later in 78/79 it was a mere 26,178, rising by 88/89 to 33,755. At Ibrox meanwhile, the corresponding figures were – 69/70 – 31,647 : 78/79 – 24,380 and 88/89 – 39,333.  Aberdeen’s crowds varied only slightly between 11,000 and 14,400 over the same period, while by ’89 Hearts had just overtaken them as the third best supported team in the country at 15,500. The decline of the aforementioned ‘Shire was mirrored in crowds which fell from 891 to 513 to the said 271. Mac identified the trend (which has continued) of the big getting bigger while the small grow weaker.

“Alloa, Alloa” is the fun/pun title of an article about, er, Alloa. “It’s fair to say that the sixties didn’t exactly swing for Alloa – they just plodded on by“. How many club histories will include, as Alloa’s does, a phrase like “….a record-breaking run of 7 consecutive penalty misses…..“. And how delightful that Gregor Abel was the manager for a while, permitting the comment, “Abel was unable to keep his job“.

Well it was 1990 and the talk was of Rangers joining a European Super League (yawn). TAG’s investigation began by quoting ‘Scotland on Sunday’ who had the complete lowdown including the specific teams who would be in Rangers group. There’s a quote from David Murray, which is particularly interesting in the light of recent events, “We have a fabulous stadium, possibly the best in the world. Why should we be restricted to playing Hamilton Accies?“

(2009 answer to 1990 rhetorical question) -’Cos they’re the only team you can beat, Dave.

As Italia ’90 hoves into view, Mad Mac profiled the team most likely to be the Giantkillers in the competition – ie Scotland.  Coach Andy Roxburgh reminisced about the critical away victory over the mighty Cyprus in the qualifying rounds, “Basically the Cypriots were over-confident. Being a skilled side and disciples of total football, I think our primitive, disorganised approach wasn’t at all to their liking“.

There’s a highly thought-provoking interview with academic and Rangers fan, Dr Graham Walker of the University of Sussex – it’s impossible for me to quote from it because any quote will be wildly out of context, but this is one well worth getting a hold of if you can.

Goal-scoring celebrations are analysed, ranging from the modest 1960s simple shake of the hand from colleagues to the goal-scorer, to Peter Grant crossing himself on bended knees after Terry Butcher had scored an own goal. And, under the heading of ‘Talbot Handsome’ there’s a look at the Junior ranks in darkest Ayrshire in a review of a book on the history of Auchinleck Talbot. It’s a hard old game – “……in the 1982/83 Ayrshire Cup Final Talbot won an extra time penalty against Cumnock. The Cumnock skipper flung the referee to the ground, and on his way to the dressing room after dismissal, knocked the Ayrshire Cup off its stand. He was suspended for 2 matches and fined £30….“.

And finally, my own Mince Pie Eater Confessions  makes a return for part 2 -

http://almaxp.wordpress.com/2010/06/08/the-absolute-game-revisited-part-25/

The letter writers are mainly sensible, though Hoots McPherson (possibly not real name) rather straddles the line, – “Ah hae enclosit a wheen o’ siller fur the nixt sax bit buiks wi’ their bonny pictures an’ thir gey canty bit speak. In fac’ ah dampt near runkle ma breeks ilka time ma e’en lichtens oan it……….here’s tae us, wha’s like us, dam few an’ they’re a’ in the World Cup Finals…“

Hat-Trick 16

League reconstruction, as ever, is on the agenda. This time its purpose appeared to be to save Dundee from relegation – it turned out that nothing could save Dundee from relegation, least of all Dundee themselves. This is the cue for an in-depth look at the Dens park club and their ‘flamboyant’ Chairman, Angus Cook. Cook was a self-proclaimed messiah, and indeed not long after he took the helm at Dens “two big triumphs followed : The Forfarshire Cup was captured in Mid December. Amidst emotional scenes, Bobby Glennie lifted the Bacofoil covered trophy while ecstatic fans, Sid and Doris Bonkers, danced up and down the Gayfield railway sleepers…..“

Who was to know that a mere 15 years later Cookie would find himself appearing on Indictment at Dundee Sheriff Court pleading guilty to a variety of colourful charges involving fraud and false accounting? A benevolent Sheriff declined to send Cook to the jail, confining the penalty to a combination of fines and compensation orders amounting to the best part of a million quid.

League reconstruction proposals from an earlier age throw up a delicious irony – in 1964, a domestically dominant Rangers attempted to force through proposals to axe 5 clubs from the Scottish League, because they were pish. Four of the clubs for the Ibrox chop were Albion Rovers, Brechin City, Stenhousemuir and Stranraer, and Rangers went as far as the Court of Session in their efforts to have them ejected.

The irony? The fifth club was Berwick Rangers. Rangers were still engaged in the Court of Session on 28 January 1967 when Berwick Rangers beat them 1-0 in the first round of the Scottish Cup.

There are still pertinent full-scale reviews of a book about John Barnes and another two about football hooliganism, along with brief looks at some other publications including “The Book of Football Quotations” (example – Everton manager Gordon Lee, asked his impression of Africa on a tour of Morocco said, “Africa? We’re not in bloody Africa, are we?“).

Part 2 of Protest and Surmise looks again at supporter power, while there’s an article telling you more than you want to know about Norwegian football. Inverness Clachnacuddin are the subject of a Mad Mac 2 page special.

There is the first appearance of ‘Scotland’s favourite world-weary, haute cuisine loving, jetsetting Italian journalist’, Bruno Glanvilla, “….my job does not involve me in a round of glamorous footballing junkets, with first class travel and accommodation. I personally have slept the night on an Edinburgh to Polmont sprinter and have waited 13 hours for a connection to Kirkcaldy while en route from Genoa to Dundee“.

George Best was still in life at that time, and was earning a crust on the after-dinner circuit, and we have an account of one such appearance in Australia – there was a question and answer session, “…….jabbing the air with a can of Fosters a balding Mancunian said he had two ambitions in life:  “To see Manchester United win the League again and to be George Best’s dick“. Amidst the laughter George said he had a chance of one coming true“.

Arbroath come under the spotlight in an article entitled ‘A Decade In The Doldrums‘, while elsewhere there’s an introduction to Charles Reep’s Performance Analysis for beginners.

As it’s approaching Christmas, there’s a Yuletide quiz – eg “Liverpool Manager Kenny Dalglish has been capped 100 times. But for which country?” and “Which Scottish clubs have never won the UEFA Cup?“

The letter writers are revolting – “All right, you tight Scotch bastard, where’s my copy of the Aug/Sept copy of TAG?………..” and “I am writing to complain about…….“

2nd Half – 15

I told you the numbering process was obscure.

Mad Mac inveighs editorially against the football authorities, whose cardinal sin is said to be that they completely ignore anything and everything football supporters want.

The Redcar Lunatic re-appears to examine the fraught and sometimes dangerous world of referees (‘I’m The Bastard In The Black‘) (the article entitled thus because the Loony himself  was a qualified Class 3 ref). But first he has a quick swipe at his beloved Berwick (‘more boring than postal chess‘) and then it’s on to imagining how we would feel doing our own jobs whilst constantly surrounded by a baying mob of disbelievers – “imagine a checkout girl in Willie Lows “That’ll be £15.62, please” – “Fifteenpounds sixty bastard two?? Open your fucking eyes you silly fat cow….” etc.  And here, he’s just talking about abuse from the players – we’re not even on to the spectators yet.

The Count of Monte Christie Park (not real name) regales us with more delights of Highland league football – “I recall some years ago mentioning a Highland League Cup Final result to a drunken Celtic supporter :

ME – I see Keith won the Highland League Cup today against Ross County – that’s the third year in a row they’ve won it

DRUNK TIM – Fuck yer shinty“

The Count examines in some detail the myth that Highland League football is played by hairy-arsed, bearded, claymore-swinging bears, all called Lachie, on converted local turnip patches – though concedes that the description may variously fit Rothes and Huntly.

Mad Mac, as a St Johnstone fan, gives the new purpose-built, all-seated, all-covered McDiarmid Park a cautious welcome. It would be nice to report that McDiarmid Park was named after the poet, but in fact it takes its name from the farmer on whose land the ground was built.

Amidst descriptions like ‘pretty impressive’, ‘compact’, ‘neat and tidy’ Mac tells us that a pleasant surprise was that the PA system was perfectly audible, a facility somewhat undermined on opening day by the tannoy man playing a full side of the ‘Carpenters Greatest Hits‘ in the run up to kick-off. Mac also counsels us , “do not interpret ‘all-seated’ and ‘all-covered’ to mean complete shelter from the elements. Those of us sitting in the front rows were given a facial wash and rinse periodically throughout the match as a (moderately) strong wind swept the rain into the stands…“

Compare and contrast that new football Mecca in Perth with the slightly older one in Larbert – Ochilview, home of Stenhousemuir – Stenny (aka the Warriors) get the in-depth treatment “…in 1928 the stand at Ochilview burnt down, and the replacement was completed before it was noticed that there was no access to the seats…“.

Staircases had to be added later.

Perhaps that wasn’t such a disaster for a club who’ve been going since 1884 and whose club history describes their ‘golden years’ as being 1893-1903.  At the time when this edition of TAG appeared, Stenhousemuir had NEVER been promoted (ie they joined the league in the lowest division in 1921 and stayed there…until the formation of the current third division in 1993-94 at which time they were ‘promoted’ administratively to the second division. They were relegated in 1998, which of course was then trumpeted by the club as ‘the only time’ they’d ever been relegated. The following season they were actually promoted, but they were relegated again in 2004).

The demise of the Scottish Cup is bemoaned by Mac – to keep sponsors Tennent’s happy, there will henceforth be no replay if the final ends in a draw – straight to penalties – indeed in the earlier rounds only one replay will henceforth be allowed before penalties kick in. Indeed the trophy itself has been re-named as ‘the Tennent’s Scottish Cup’, which Mad M calls ‘a complete disgrace’.

Cowdenbeath are back in the spotlight.  Their pre-season friendly draws this withering comment, “Only a 2-2 draw could be mustered against Whitley Bay – the visitors arrived an hour late which meant that they could only play 35 minutes each way since Central Park’s floodlights were being replaced and the new ones weren’t wired up. There we have it : a crap result; a typically shambolic game; and a joke stadium.”

Things had got so bad for the Blue Brazil that their supporters had taken to humming the theme from the ‘Twilight Zone’  as their team ran out onto the park. Ya hoor, sor.

Although many fans continued to feel utterly disenfranchised so far as affecting the conduct of their club, many others had recently shown that ‘fan power’ could have an effect at boardroom level and the article ‘Protest and Surmise’ is really a primer on how fans can organise themselves as effective lobbyists.

Now, are ball-boys the last of the unsung heroes or a bunch of spikey-heided masochists? That’s the question in an article entitled ‘Gie Us The Baw Mister‘. Or at least it’s one of the questions. Another is ‘How many ball  boys have died from hypothermia in the course of duty?’ Never praised for doing his job properly, the only advice the ball-boy is likely to hear is “the baw’s ower there ya wee prick”.

There’s more on Australia’s World Cup campaign (deceased at the hands of Israel), the first appearance of Harry Angel (real name) rounding up what’s going on in Junior football, reviews galore and an insight into football in Switzerland.

The letter writers are on form – “Dear TAG, – A helpful suggestion I have is that if a new national stadium is to be built, a place could be found for Ernie Walker in one of the concrete supports…….” and “Why do the caterers at Hampden Park only heat up a dozen pies at half time for a crowd of 50,000?“

2nd Round 1st Leg – 14

As you see, the numbering system has become obscure, but basically having had the first 13 we’re now reverting to no 1 again – at least we are until it becomes too difficult and then some other system entirely will be adopted. Keep an eye on that.

This is the issue immediately after Maurice Johnston signed for Celtic Rangers. TAG gave this move a qualified welcome and encouraged supporters of all clubs outside the Old Firm to give Johnston all the backing they could, not least because he had almost single-handed or single-footed brought Scotland to the verge of qualification for the World Cup. On the other hand, “because of who he is, and his lack of personal integrity, the odds against this particular Catholic succeeding at Ibrox, which were going to be heavy in any case, begin to take on almost impossible proportions“.

And crikey, do you remember this? In June 1989 Scotland got to the World Cup Final !! Beating a Portugal team featuring Luis Figo along the way !! OK, fair enough, it was merely the under-16 tournament held here in Scotland, but it turned out to be a source of great excitement and yes, pride, as our gallant boys made it all the way to the Hampden final only to succumb to a Saudi Arabian team who appeared to be playing fast and loose with an essential element of the competition, namely the ‘under-16′ bit (it seemed that quite a few of their players who started the match clean-shaven, finished it with fairly bushy beards).

Very few of the boys who played for Scotland that day went on to feature prominently in the senior game. Ironically, perhaps the most successful senior career was ahead of Brian O’Neill who went on to play for Celtic and Aberdeen and others, and for the senior Scotland team. I say ironically, because O’Neill had the opportunity to win the cup for Scotland and blew it. We had established an early 2-0 lead. The Saudis pulled one back. Seventeen minutes to go and we are awarded a penalty kick – “You are about to take a crucial penalty at Hampden in front of an enthusiastic Scots crowd. If you score Scotland will be world champions for the first time at anything. It is the 675th anniversary of Bannockburn.The goals are 8 yards wide and 8 feet high – you are 12 yards away. Are you thinking, “I’ve got no chance” – I’ll bet you are“.

O’Neill missed. The Saudis equalised. In the penalty shoot-out O’Neill repeated his trick and missed again and they won 5-4 on penalties. A very Scottish scenario. But it was great fun.

Having not contributed since edition 10, I managed to cobble together a two-page spread, ‘Confessions of a Mince Pie Eater‘. The title was supposed to be a sly knowing allusion to De Quincey’s ‘Confessions of an Opium Eater‘, but to my chagrin everyone else thought it merely referenced the Robin Askwith/Anthony Booth series of soft porn films beginning with ‘Confessions of a Window Cleaner‘. You can read the whole thing here -

http://almaxp.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/the-absolute-game-revisited-part-24/Elsewhere, this edition is packed with terrific material on Aberdeen (the Decline and Fall aka the Big Sheep), Kilmarnock (“Picture the scene. A gathering of people 366 in number, to vote on a matter of paramount importance. A show of hands is called for. The result 344 for, 22 against. The result is the 22 against win. China? No. Poland? No. Russia? No. Kilmarnock Football Club EGM? Yes“), Ayr United (Manager A. McLeod, ’nuff said)  Acrrington Stanley (in 1956/57 they fielded a team consisting entirely of Scots…), Austrian Football (From Sturm Graz to Memphis) and Albion Rovers again (“One law Fagan (former Chairman now deceased) somehow managed to avoid was the criminal law – which, incidentally states that a dead person cannot be libelled, so I have no hesitation in pronouncing him a general all-round bastard of the first order.“)

Mad Mac muses perceptively on the repercussions of Hillsborough and the clamour to move to all-seater stadia.  There’s a reconstruction of the peculiar events that led to Clyde saving themselves from relegation  at the end of the previous season, at the expense of Kilmarnock – Clyde scoring with a penalty kick  6 and a half minutes into injury time. Mac is also on top form in an article entitled “European Gory Nights” that examines the fortunes of our domestic clubs  in the European competitions (“Scotland has always lagged behind in adopting successful continental tactical innovations such as the sweeper system, total football, and bribing match officials……….“). Recalled are Celtic’s infamous matches with Atletico Madrid (“…likened by many to a boxing match, but although the majority of the Spanish side’s punches were below the belt they appeared to win on points, with their Argentine internationalist Ayala landing the knockout blow on Jimmy Johnstone in the players tunnel after the bell“) and Rapid Vienna (“…theatricals in the finest traditions of a Mozart opera..”) and Politechnica Timisoara (“a side that had qualified for the competition by winning the Rumanian final of Mastermind“). Meantime, Hibernian’s occasional sorties into Europe are described thus, “time and time again they have seen themselves drawn against the Continent’s all-time greats – Liverpool, Valencia, Leeds, Juventus and Oester Vaxjoe…..“

On the letters page, Bill Murray writes in to complain about the review of his book on the Old Firm, and another correspondent takes issue with Rab Crangle’s implication that Sammy ‘leg-snapper’ Conn is a dirty player – “OK he was sent off on numerous occasions…….“

The best issue to date, in my opinion.

Likely 13

This was the first edition after the Hillsborough disaster and Mad Mac doesn’t rush to judgement, but instead asks that whatever lessons are learned are suitably heeded and applied in Scotland. Simultaneously however, the fight against Mrs Thatcher’s ID card scheme is stepped up.

There’s a statistical investigation into the number of times the Old Firm have been drawn against each other in Cup competitions – the answer, not surprisingly, is that the figures make it look like something highly suspicious was going on – listen to this – between 1945 and 1988 Rangers and Celtic were together in the semi-final of the Scottish and League Cups on no fewer than 15 occasions, and were drawn to play each other ………..ONCE. (Perhaps, Steve, our resident stats man would like to have a look at this). This apparently anomalous situation has tended to rectify itself ever since the draws started to be televised live, despite talk of heated balls (oo-er, missus) and other similar devices.

There’s a look at the flow of players across the border – a flow that had been relentlessly one-way until the arrival of Graeme Souness at Ibrox, when for a brief period it was English clubs who became jittery at the sight of a Scots raiding party. But prior to that “many a Scotsman has flown from his footballing nest in exchange for pound notes, corrugated iron sheets or the odd floodlight pylon. The majority, including the likes of Bobby Collins, Pat Crerand, Martin Buchan, Lou Macari and Kenny Dalglish went on to greater things and famous accomplishments, but others like Peter Marinello, Alex Cropley and Charlie Nicholas were not to be so fortunate – they went to Arsenal“.

And here’s one for students of soccer history – it’s 1989 and TAG has an article entitled “FERGIE : What’s Gone Wrong?” – and yes, it is our old chum Sir Alex (then plain Alex) who is the Fergie in question. “What the hell is wrong with Alex Ferguson these days? Many are shellshocked at stories emanating from the South that he has become a griping, moaning, petty-minded, paranoid neurotic, and most bewildering of all that he has lost his sense of humour………..“.

The interface between fitba and jurisprudence is explored in ‘10 Great Court Cases‘ – one example was the occasion when Robert Fleck was fined £150 for baring his bum to the crowd during a Rangers-Celtic reserve match. Many thought this was much preferable to him baring his face. Also mentioned in dispatches was the infamous 1987 Old Firm 2-2 draw (2 convicted, 2 acquitted) ‘with the verdicts on McAvennie and Roberts probably being as perplexing and unfathomable as the events on the field that day‘. Benny Rooney, John ‘Cowboy’ McCormack and Andy Brannigan are among the others in the dock.

‘The Kicker Conspiracy‘ is a look at some of the ‘enforcers’ in the lower divisions, with top prize for ‘Services to the Wheelchair Industry‘ going to Sammy Conn variously of Albion Rovers, Airdrie, Clydebank and Falkirk…….”a formidable opponent, supremely skilled in the art of getting his retaliation in first“.

Brechin City, Clyde and Hamilton Accies all get the in-depth treatment, and there are articles on the Premier League, Hibs new crest, football songs, and televised fitba, as well as the usual round-up of reviews etc.

The correspondents, as always, are revolting rebellious, with the notable exception of a Queen of the South fan who not only wholeheartedly endorses the views expressed on that club in TAG 12, but also hearteningly says that he’s been supporting Queens since 1945, which at least made me not the oldest reader.

ONE-TWO 12

TAG celebrates Scotland’s World Cup victory in Cyprus by lavishing praise on our man-of-the-match, Siegfried Kirschen. A conspicuously non-Scottish name and a name you may have now forgotten, Herr Kirschen was the referee who somehow found about twenty minutes added-on time to enable us to overcome Cyprus 3-2, Richard Gough getting the winner in the 109th minute. I don’t think he was being deliberately biased in our favour – I think his watch just stopped. Note that this precipitated rioting by spectators which was sufficiently serious to result in Cyprus being punished by UEFA  and having to play their next ‘home’ game in Athens.

And talking of Athens , there’s a 2 page spread on Greek football under the heading ‘Amazing Greece’ (headline writer sacked). At that time (1989) we might have thought that Greek football was a bit of a joke, but who’s laughing now? In the interim, Greece have been European champions and a much safer bet for qualification for finals than our own brave boys.

Jovial Jim McLean is under the spotlight again and there’s even a cartoon strip detailing his life story – when he’s born, his father asks anxiously ‘is it a boy or a girl?‘ only to be told ‘neither – it’s a miserable wee potato‘.

Mad Mac investigates the apparent increasing numbers of over-30s still playing – cue Hamish McAlpine and Jim Gallacher (in the latter’s case ‘there is a great temptation to run onto the pitch, throw a travelling rug over his shoulders, and offer the old bugger a sip of tea to ward off a chill‘).

The Australian national team (inevitably nick-named ‘the Socceroos’) is profiled in the wake of their near failure to qualify for the World Cup finals. All they had to do was beat Fiji (population 800,000 of which 9 play football). To their considerable embarrassment they lost the first leg 1-0, but salvaged the tie in the return game much to the relief of manager Frank ‘Mad Dog’ Arok.

Dundee were looking for a manager. See the various newspaperclippings. TAG gives an exhaustive list of the candidates, including The Hon Man, Hen Broon, Fraser Elder, Yasser Arafat, George Galloway and Soapy Soutar.

There are articles on crowd attendances at SPL matches and TV coverage of Scottish football (conclusion – most people watch/want to watch Rangers and Celtic) and a terrific in-depth piece on Queen of the South (entitled ‘We Call It Rubbish’) (“Davy Wilson proved that he might have a career ahead of him as a music hall comic when he announced during last year’s mid-season crisis that he was introducing a sweeper system. In reality it transpired that this was a euphemism for playing with seven or eight back in defence, and a frenetic cavalry charge every time the ball was hoofed up towards the other end“).

There’s a message to all Hearts fans from Wallace Mercer – “I have offered Alex MacDonald some tactical advice on a take it or leave it basis. He either takes it or he leaves the club.“

And Mad Mac dons his pith helmet again to explore ‘The Mysteries of the East’, the orient in question being the mysterious East of Scotland League (though at that time Annan Athletic were in the EOSL even though they are a bit westwards). “As with all non-league football in Scotland, matches are characterised by the ‘heid doon, arse up’ approach with flailing legs – and sometimes fists – popular optional extras“.

The letter writers are becoming more and more bolshie (I digress for a moment to note that in a recent police report I read, it was said that a particular person’s behaviour was becoming increasingly bolshoi). Several readers complain that the editor of ‘Follow Follow’ was let off far too lightly in the previous TAG, and there are legitimate complaints about the tasteless casual racism in the most recent edition of the Dundee fanzine, Derry Rumba. Derek Rae continues to be panned by all and sundry – but sundry doesn’t apparently include the writer of the letter to the Daily Record depicted here.

Alternative XI

Rounding up 1988, Mad Mac’s editorial calls it ‘the year of the silly bugger’ citing the antics of such worthies as Jim McLean, Louis Thow (the referee who awarded Neil Simpson a mere yellow card for wrecking Ian Durrant’s career), Wallace Mercer, Graeme Souness and Bill McMurdo in support of that contention.

Indeed Souness and Mercer feature at some length in this issue – the latter spotlighted in a review of his book, ‘Heart to Heart’ while the former is the leading actor in an article entitled ’10 Great Graeme Souness Fouls’ – eg “1. Siggi Jonsson, Iceland v Scotland 1985 – Jonsson was an adolescent hardman, known the world over for his barbaric tackling and chilling intimidation. It was obvious that he was going to kick the entire Scottish team into the nearest geyser sooner or later, so off for an unexpected visit to the local casualty unit he had to go………….9. Peter Nicholas, Scotland v Wales 1985 – Nicholas was a fighting psychopath who had been trained on commando assault courses by Don Howe when he was at Arsenal. In this particular incident Nicholas had adoopted a very threatening stance – ie he had his back turned and was moving away with the ball. Obviously some form of pre-emptive action was required…..“

The appearance on the scene of a Rangers fanzine (‘Follow Follow’) (still in existence to this day) results in an article arising from a TAG interview with the editor (“Just call me Billy X“). Billy is taken to task for describing Celtic as ‘the athletic wing of the IRA’ and doesn’t answer the charge at all convincingly  (“On our supporters’ bus there would be no eyebrows raised if there was a bit of fundraising for the loyalist prisoners – obviously it’s a matter of degree – if someone went round taking a collection for the Shankhill butchers we’d tell them where to go, but if they said it was for the guys who shot Gerry Adams, I think we’d all chip in. Same on the other side : most Republicans would say it’s alright to shoot a British soldier, but very few would try to justify Enniskillen“).

At the other end of the spectrum Forfar Athletic (the athletic wing of Forfar) get the in-depth treatment. You will get an idea of what we’re dealing with here when I tell you that the person described as the  ‘saviour’ and ‘Messiah’ of the club is, in fact, none other than Archie Knox. And the whole two page article manages to avoid the use of the ‘b’ word  right up until the very last sentence when the author congratulates himself on not mentioning ‘bridie’ (oops, bugger it).

You get a real sense of another age when you read the article by Nigel Grant about the Government’s proposals to make football supporters participate in a compulsory national identity card scheme – ie you don’t have a card, you don’t get into the game.  This was the brainchild of the malicious old sow Thatcher herself, but was being piloted along by her neutered glove-puppet, Colin Moynihan (aka the 4th Baron Moynihan) (remember him? the little Falkirk bar-steward that he was).

There’s a review of a couple of players’ ‘autobiographies’ – first up is  Alex McLeish (‘The Don of an Era‘) (“it is terribly tedious….tiresome”) but even the scathing criticism thereof seems benevolent by comparison with the review of Alan Rough’s effort ‘Rough at the Top‘, where the review in its entirety reads, “For fuck’s sake“.

Up till now I have resisted mentioning that there has been a series of ‘Hairstyles Thru The Ages’ running in TAG. We’re now on to episode 7, and it’s a two page special on the curly perm, featuring Kevin Keegan, Alan Rough again, Asa Hartford, Sandy Jardine (“the Ready Brek glow around his head provides some clues as to the type of curlers used to get a nice bushy perm – spent fuel rods from Hunterston B“) and Bobby Smith.

Rab Crangle gives an account of the trip to Oslo where Scotland beat Norway in a World Cup qualifying match (ah, the good old days !!) (The Tartan Army have a new song reflecting Scotland’s current style – “Luxembourg, Malta and Saudi too, We’ve drawn wi’ the best and we’ll draw wi’ you, We are the boys in Scotland blue, We cannae score and neither can you“).

There’s part 3 of TAG’s long-running love affair with Berwick Rangers (‘Bordering on Terminal’), wherein Jim Jeffries and the Deans clan emerge as potential saviours (soon to move lock, stock and barrel to Falkirk, and in the case of the Deans Pere et Fils, into the Sheriff court in relation to ‘creative accounting’ practices concerning the Falkirk gate-money), and there’s a quite extraordinary follow up to an earlier article about the state of some grounds in Scotland – try this as an opener – in 1974 a new cup competition for boys’ teams was inaugurated in Cowdenbeath – they played for the Bob Selkirk Trophy (Bob Selkirk being a deceased local Communist councillor) – for 14 years the final of the competition was played at Central Park, and obviously it was something of a thrill for the boys to play at a league ground – for the 1988 final, however,  Cowdenbeath refused permission for the use of the ground claiming that it was unfit to stage the match, which was expected to draw a crowd of about 100 people……..wait a minute…..if Central Park was unfit to stage a boys final, how could they hold senior league matches there? – now read on.

One of the letters begins “I have read some rubbish in football articles in my time but……….“

Top 10

The cover price has increased to 50p, but there’s a letter from Mrs G Peabody from Fochabers (aka Mad Mac) saying, “I think in fact that TAG is now even better value for money than ever. and have no hesitation in enclosing a big cheque to renew my subscription“.

STV’s Controller of Sport, unlike his counterpart at the BBC, responds to the criticisms of the coverage of Scottish football made in TAG 8.

TAG wildly celebrates Scotland’s World Cup qualifier win against Norway in Oslo (“Oh shit, Roxburgh’s job is safe for another few months“).

Everything you wanted to know about the Bundesliga and the rest of German football but were afraid to ask is covered in a 2 page special.

The Tannadice terrors get a run out, and there’s a review of  ‘that book’ (ie the one that’s obliquely referred to on the front page of this edition – ie Bill Murray’s 100 Years of the Old Firm, a book notorious for the atrocious gaffe on its own front page – for further details see http://almax.wordpress.com/2007/08/08/old-firm-old-fraud/) (in fact, this link won’t take you anywhere – see instead the very end of this article ).

Crumbling football grounds are investigated by Mad Mac, unsurprisingly illustrated by pics of East Stirling’s Shires Park and Ochilview, Stenhousemuir.

There’s a look at ‘soccer casuals’ – not all they’re cracked up to be – Aberdeen casuals at Ibrox spend the second half crapping themselves as to how they get back to their bus….”one spindly youth turned to another and said ‘God I hope Aberdeen don’t score – they (ie the Ibrox Bears) will be mad‘

There’s a lengthy article about Yugoslavian football ahead of Scotland’s world cup ties with that country (and, of course, 20 years later there is no such thing as Yugoslavian football because there is no such thing as Yugoslavia).

There’s more on Dutch football, and Mad Mac waxes lyrical on his beloved St Johnstone who are about to depart from their traditional home at Muirton Park for pastures new (Starpaulus and I actually went to Perth for the last ever game at Muirton, though I cannot recall who the opposition were or what the score was).

There’s the fanzine round-up and reviews of the Maurice Johnston story (yet to take its most sensational turn) and the Scottish Football League review.

As for my own contribution, well, you’ll remember my vow after the Dumbarton article that I would never write another thing – well here it is – my contribution to TAG 10 – to read it now makes me cringe with embarrassment, but in fairness, I could not have anticipated just exactly how quickly computer technology would move on – the height of sophistication when I wrote this article was the much-missed Sinclair Spectrum, bristling with 48 Kilobytes of Random Access Memory -

COMPUTER LOVE

PRESS ENTER TO PLAY

The fevered world of the computer whizz kid may seem to be a million miles away from your average wind-swept and rain-lashed terracing. Football junkies can however continue to thrill to the heady excitement of big-time soccer action at any time of day or night simply by investing in one of Clive Sinclair’s magic boxes and the appropriate “software.”

In the privacy of your own bedroom you can live out the agony and ecstasy of the world’s greatest game, all courtesy of the ubiquitous micro-chip. This article is by no means a “Which” type consumer guide to the football games available as I can’t claim to have road-tested any more than a handful of them. The software manufacturers were quick to exploit the seemingly insatiable appetite of some people (i. e. you and me) for all things connected to football. Consequently there are quite a large number of games on football on the market. They seem to fall into 2 categories. On the one hand there’s the action type game where you control the movements of graphically represented players on the screen via the computer keyboard or the inappropriately named and slightly risque sounding “Joystick”. Alternatively, there’s the “adventure” type game where you are cast in the role of team manager and become embroiled in the murky world of team selection, transfer negotiations etc.

Personally, I’m not too keen on the action type game, mainly because, if you haven’t got a joystick, it requires the type of manual dexterity more usually associated with performing open-heart surgery. It your brain and your fingers are not syncromeshed, then you are likely to become an impotent spectator as your opponent runs up a cricket score.

One such game is “Match Day 2″ which purports to be “the best football action game for micros”. I haven’t played this game but I’m intrigued by the advertising for it which claims that “Just like the real game, players react against each other with deflections, volley shots and sneak passes.” Has this been translated from an ancient Chinese dialect or and I just going to the wrong matches? It’s certainly quite some time since I saw any of my team’s players reacting against anybody with a sneak pass. The advertisement also claims that the game is a “startling simulation that allows players to make headers, back heel the ball, and even barge opposing players.” The programmers must’ve been watching Miller and McLeish in action. If you’re into sneak passes and barging opposing players then this is the game for you.

Of the adventure type games one that’s worth a look at “Brian Clough’s Football Fortunes“. Quite what Brian (England will win and I fancy young Webb to get a goal) Clough has to do with it, other than presumably receiving a large cheque for having his name associated with it, is difficult to fathom. It could equally well be named “Ally McLeod’s Football Fortunes” though perhaps at the risk of losing a certain something in consumer appeal.

A monopoly-type board is provided with the game and there are player cards supplied, each of which has the name of a well-known player on it, together with a star-rating of between 1 and 5. The star-ratings are slightly eccentric and seem to have been allocated by Jimmy Hill. For example, Kenny Samson and Gary Stevens both inexplicably attract a rating of 5 while Alan Hansen merits only 4 and David Neary (sic) rates a measly 3. Obviously the higher your combined ratings, the more powerful your team is. In “real life” which forward line would you choose -MARK HATELY (3), KERRY DIXON (4) and MARK HUGHES (5) – (TOTAL 12), or PAUL STURROCK (3), NIGEL CLOUGH (2) and JOHN BARNES (3) – (TOTAL 8).

It would be far too boring to further explain the mechanics of this game, but one feature which is quite entertaining and realistic is the transfer market. The more of your mates who are playing, the better it is. Each of you has control of a separate team and when a high rated player comes up for sale there is a frenetic scramble to try and buy him. This takes the form of an auction and the transfer price quickly becomes inflated beyond all common sense. This is particularly so if you are all fuelled by a few pints of, for example, McEwens Lager. Eventually, all the bidders drop out bar one. After the excitement of the auction you experience a realistically sickening sensation when you realise that you’ve just parted with £1.5million for, say, Richard Gough. Thereafter, when you lose the very next game it makes you feel like kicking the T.V. set.

One irritating flaw in “Football Fortunes” is that there is no relegation from the league as a punishment for making an utter bollocks of the manager’s job. You can cheerfully be cuffed 5 or 6 nothing every game secure in the knowledge that you will get another shot next season. To that extent it’s a bit like our own Division 2. This can be contrasted with another similar game – “Football Manager” where you can move from the English 4th to the English 1st division and back again just like Swansea City or Wolves. In both “Football Fortunes” and “Football Manager” the weekly league results are presented on your T.V. screen in the style of the B.B.C. teleprinter. This loses something when not accompanied by David Coleman’s ever-interesting interjections along the lines of “That’s Aldershot’s seventeenth away match without a win of any kind“.

Talking of the B.B.C. results service, how many West of Scotland readers have chuckled along while listening to Paul Cooney reading the results on Radio Clyde straight off his portable T.V. screen switched to B.B.C? Although Paul tries manfully to pretend that this is Clyde’s own exclusive service, he gives the game away when he goes too fast and finishes English Division 3 ten seconds or so before the telly man. The bold Paul then has to indulge in Italian-like time – wasting tactics by droning on about “That’s an interesting result there for Rochdale. A 1-1 draw at Stockport. Never an easy place to pick up league points. Em, Derek Parlane’s old team of course. Derek’ll no doubt be listening to Radio Clyde’s results service. So, there you are Derek, a good point for your old team. Or maybe it wasn’t Rochdale Derek played for. He did play for quite a few clubs down that way, but maybe Rochdale wasn’t one of them. Anyway, onto English League Division 4…….

An amusing feature of some of the computer games is the facility to alter the names of the teams and/ or players supplied by the computer. Thus you can pilot Albion Rovers to the Premier League Championship and on to eternal glory by defeating Juventus to lift the European Cup. Alternatively, you can insert your own name as Liverpool’s free scoring number 9 shirt.

The main problem with computer games is of course that only so much information can be included on the software tape. I’ve only ever played these games on a 48K machine. No doubt the games could be more sophisticated on larger computers. I’m sure there must be some way of incorporating such refinements as ‘ hotly disputed penalties, red cards, punch-ups in the dressing room, and the odd Sheriff Court appearance

BEEP BEEP, GAME OVER

9 Past Haffey

This edition of TAG came to me through the post direct from Mad Mac, and I was beside myself with excitement to find that my finely-wrought, oft-revised, long slaved-over article about Dumbarton FC had metamorphosed from a few sheets of untidily-typed and multi-tippexed A4 into a page and a half of a published item in the best football fanzine around.

I was quite disproportionately proud of this achievement, and I still am. Seeing it in print completely repaid the long hours hunched over the manual typewriter, writing and re-writing.

I remember when I pulled the final, final, final edition from the typewriter saying to Ann, “That’s it. Finished. I’m never going to write another thing ever again“

And I was serious about that, because I was fairly convinced that I had exhausted my entire store of invention and inspiration in that one article, and I couldn’t imagine that I could repeat the trick.

Anyway, you can find my first-ever TAG contribution here -

http://almaxp.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/the-absolute-game-revisited-part-34/

Elsewhere, there’s a quite terrific article about Queen’s Park (the Spiders), a club then attracting crowds of about 500 to a stadium with a capacity of 75,000 (see photo).

Jim McLean (‘vindictive‘), Jan Bartram (‘effeminate’), ex-referee Alan Ferguson (‘faced with a lynch mob‘), and Billy Stark’s hairstyle through the ages (gained by ‘applying Baby Bio to his scalp with a watering can‘) are all featured.

There are reviews of books about David Francey (“tame and extremely short…“) and Jock Stein (“I don’t usually get in too much of a state about knighthoods, but how he was overlooked is a national scandal“). Also reviewed is an academic study of ‘The Roots of Football Hooliganism‘

Mad Mac co-authors an analysis of the current state of the national team – the heading ‘Scotland the Bores‘ rather gives the game away (“The revisionist view on Scotland up to Argentina ’78 is that most games consisted of a cavalry charge, with Big Joe or some other badly stitched up Frankenstein lookalike at the front, which lasted for about an hour and was followed by the fatal goalkeeping slip“).

The revival of AC Milan merits a full-scale article. How do these sentences from 1988 grab you ?- “And then, in 1986, in the darkest hour of onfield mediocrity and off-field bankruptcy, came the messiah. Silvio Berlusconi, millionaire television magnate and lifelong Milan fan, bought out the ailing club and refloated it with himself as Chairman“.

And there is a timely look at the arcane world of Junior Football (not, as some think, football played by children, but instead it’s football played at a lower level than ‘senior’ professional, and is very much ‘adult entertainment’). “Clubs are to be found battling it out for a variety of esoterically named silverware, such as ‘The Cream of the Barley Cup’ (the trophy is rumoured to be a replica of a combine harvester)…..“

Mad Mac plumbs new depths soars to new heights of obscurity by recounting the arcane events surrounding Shamrock Rovers in the League of Ireland. Here the talk is of dark deeds and Glenmalure Park, Tolka Park, Dalymount Park, Home Farm, Bohemians, Keep Rovers at Milltown (KRAM), Paddy Kilcoyne, Dermot Keeley, Brian Murphy and John McNamara.

People are still writing letters about Willie Johnston.

And no ‘forgotten one’.