Women wrong, says cleverest person in world

THE fundamental wrongness of women has been established beyond doubt.

Race named as today's thing to talk shit about

RACE has been named as today's topic about which Britain will talk angry, ill-informed shit.

'Girl With The Apple Tattoo' sparks product placement row

A NEW thriller about a troubled Goth who covers her body in corporate logos has sparked debate about film sponsorship.

Barton denies existence of FA

JOEY Barton has refused to serve his three-match ban after disproving the existence of the Football Association using Nietzschean perspectivism.

Britain really fancies a pint

MOST of Britain could cheerfully go on a three-day session after just one day back at work, it has emerged.

Mail becomes cause of and solution to racism

THE Daily Mail has today launched a five year plan to prevent exactly as much racism as it creates.

La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range

STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction of a new range inspired by the Human Centipede films.

Healthy eating campaign makes Britons want to die younger

THE latest government healthy eating campaign has made UK citizens feel okay about dying soon.

News in Pictures


London Olympics will be third or fourth best ever


Trespasser makes narrow escape from Lindsay Lohan's garden

News briefly

Guardian Soulmates profile reveals human side of Kim Jong-Un

Trainee dictator loves riding his vintage bicycle around quirky peasant markets.

Marine biologists discover hundreds of new, evil species

Creatures include octopus that radiates bad luck found in place where it is always night.
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

Most of the time they look like they're having great fun, except when one of them goes berserk.

Science laboratory

With Dr Julian Cook

You should always vacate the swimming pool if you think you can see Pam St Clement getting in.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

The modern world has forgotten that masturbation can be an aspirational activity.

Psychic Bob

Capricorn

Time to burn off excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.
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