Britain desperately trying to download games onto Kindle

THOUSANDS of Britons are trying to make video games work on their new Kindles after refusing to accept that the device is a type of book.

Female MPs overlooked for promotion when they pose for GQ

WOMEN MPs who get all dolled-up and pose for men's magazines are not taken seriously, experts have claimed.

Murdoch tweets minutiae of world domination

RUPERT Murdoch is to use Twitter to share his everyday, random thoughts about controlling everything in the world.

The net closes in on Prince Philip

PRINCE Philip has begun a damage limitation exercise after human remains were discovered at Sandringham.

Corbett too short for a knighthood

RONNIE Corbett has had to make do with a CBE because he is too short for a knighthood, it has been confirmed.

Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.

Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.


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News in Pictures


London Olympics will be third or fourth best ever


Trespasser makes narrow escape from Lindsay Lohan's garden

News briefly

Britain to close in 2012

Prime minister drawing up plans for abandonment of country as regions begin to shut down.

iPhone not designed by Steve Jobs

"It was this guy," claims the Queen
Your problems solved

With Holly Harper, our 10 year-old agony aunt

Hell is where Satan lives. Satan is God's ex-wife.

Karen Fenessey

One woman's week

Joseph is a fine creature with glossy black feathers and jaunty gait - reminiscent of a young John Travolta.

Stylish Masturbator

With Dermot Jaye

The modern world has forgotten that masturbation can be an aspirational activity.

Psychic Bob

Leo

You've always had an old head on young shoulders. A bit like a midget wearing a Michael Douglas mask.
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