MasterChef: If You Can't Stand The Heat, Get Out of The Kitchen

The third episode of 2012's MasterChef opened with the BBC continuity announcer asking the audience if they were 'hungry for more.' Ya geddit? Yeah. Anyway, we soon learned that there were, indeed (as speculated the night before), only three places open for Thursday's eight contestants due that that bit of rule bending back in episode one. As they prepared for the invention test the camera lingered, lovingly, on a long shot of John Tordoe in jeans with turn-ups. Style. For God's sake, man, you own two of London's best restaurants, you can do better than that, surely?

First up was Steve Diggle-out-of-the-Buzzcocks lookalike Andrew, who had a very brave choice of shirt (there's not many men that can pull off pink). His dish of roast pigeon with a breaded cauliflower sauce, sweet fig and blackberry sauce and mushroom duxelle got the show off to a cracking start. The dish, John said, 'makes my head spin. In a really good way.' Is there a bad way, one wonders? Well, yeah, The Exorcist, I suppose. So, the dish was either wonderful or yer man Torode had been possessed by the devil, one or the other. 'I love it,' said Gregg just to confirm that John's head-turning experience was probably the former (although, we'll keep an eye on him in future episodes and have the holy water handy just in case). It was, both judges later declared, 'the dish of the day.' Good start. Next up was Bethan who said there was 'no point in playing safe' and went for a lemon and white chocolate meringue tart ('Would you like a cake or a meringue?' 'No you're right, I'll have a cake...') with raspberry coulis and a white chocolate sauce. Unfortunately, by not playing safe, she produced a dish that 'didn't quite work' with soggy undercooked pastry that, ultimately, cost her a place in the next round. Might've been better if you had played safe, Beth. Next up was big hard tattooed security man Jay who looked like the kind of chap that'd be more at home in the middle of a riot than in a kitchen. Just shows, I guess, that looks can be deceptive as Jay produced another of the dishes of the day, a gorgeous-looking pan fried sea bream with clams, sweet potato stack and garlic sauce. John really loved it, Gregg called it 'proper grown-up food' and, as Jay left the room John noted that if good food was supposed to put a smile on the face, Jay had certainly delivered a sodding great beam on his own. Sai chose to ignore her Thai background and cook an English-style dish, pork with rosemary and thyme, wild mushrooms and potato dauphinoise. There were 'texture issues' according to Gregg and John noted that it 'doesn't make my heart jump out of my chest.' But, what really seemed to cost Sai was when the judges asked her why she'd gone for something so alien to her, she seemed stumped for an answer and muttered something about 'falling back on tradition.' Like Bethan, she was eliminated.

Lee missed his calling. On the last series of MasterChef with its X-Factor riffs, his sob story about having recently lost both his job and his girlfriend would've probably seen him reach the semi-final on that score alone. Sadly, this year, they appear to be looking for cooks first and foremost and good back-stories second. Although, to be fair to the lad, his dish of pan fried sea bream, potato and chives with a chorizo dressing had the judges talking about him. For all the wrong reasons, admittedly. His decision to include orange in the dish was the major flaw, according to John who described it was 'not my cup of tea.' Or, perhaps he should have said, not his glass of orange juice. Nevertheless, Lee showed enough promise to earn another chance. As did Margaret who, in best Miriam Reilly-style, said that she was doin' it for the more mature ladies and cooked a stuffed chicken breast with a tomato and red pepper sauce and butter beans. It was fine, if a bit dry. Also into the next round were Jonathan (ballotine of chicken and bacon with lentils and a mushroom sauce - 'tastes good, doesn't look right' said Gregg) and Enormous Ian who was tonight's contestant to bang on, constantly, about 'living the dream.' His dish of sole with clam and pancetta with new potatoes, spinach and a parsley butter sauce was said to have good flavour combinations and was only let down by a few little details (not peeling the spuds very well, for example). So, six were through and they all went off to a couple of professional kitchens (Port Desin and The Swan at the Globe) where only really Margaret had a proper nightmare and most of them seemed to quite enjoy the experience. Again, as mentioned after Wednesday's blog, having the professional kitchen section this early in the competition really hasn't worked this year. It's been the grit in a very tasty sandwich in each of the three episodes. On Thursday, I got so bored with it, I flicked over to Mad Dogs for five minutes. Back at MasterChef HQ meanwhile Gregg was further torturing the language with his statement that 'what will not make it through is safe.' I'm not even sure that actually qualifies as English. Again, the two stand-out plates, by miles, were Andrew and Jay. The former's stuffed saddle of rabbit with late summer vegetables, polenta cakes, butternut squash purée and leek fondue was a hit with both judges ... apart from the leeks which were said to have overpowerd pretty much everything else. John said that this made him sad and he did a little (John Simms' Master-style) 'sad face' to prove it. Andrew was philosophical and said that if one small error was what stopped him going through, it would be a shame but he could live with it. He didn't have to. He was through. So was Jay whose pan fried goosnargh duck breast with celeriac purée, baby carrots and crispy shallots and a red wine and current jeu was 'without fault' (Gregg). 'It works' said John, seemingly as surprised as Jay himself was. 'Maybe I've got a chance,' Jay said, when interviewed. 'Who knows?' He paused. 'Well, them two, obviously!' Very good!

Margaret needed something special to acquire a MasterChef apron and couldn't quite pull it off despite producing a very nice looking plum and frangipane tart with rose flavoured ice cream and plum syrup. When she told him what she was making Gregg declared 'right now, I'm in love with her!' Sadly, as Margaret herself acknowledged she'd played a little safe and, in the end, as John said, that slight lack of ambition came through in her dish. Margaret herself was very gracious, unlike several unsuccessful contestants this year, saying that she'd probably just about found her level and that to go any further might've been pushing it somewhat. Also finding his level was Ian who, unlike Margaret went down in flames through over, rather than under ambition. Ian really went for it, preparing a lobster salad with tempura squid, basil and cantaloupe caviar and watermelon. John thought that dish, in concept, sounded like 'the fishmonger's crashed into the fruit and veg stall.' The dish was 'daring' both judges said but, one felt that was a little bit like those politicians who use the word 'brave' to describe the actions of a colleage when they actually mean 'reckless.' 'Not quite balanced properly,' noted Gregg. So, Ian was also out. The final place in the twelve was thus between Jonathan and Lee. The former felt he had 'dodged a bullet' in the previous round although that felt harsh as he'd clearly been one of the better cooks on display. He showed amazing bravery (and, in this case, whilst it does mean reckless it also means, actually, brave) with Pigeon-en-croute with confit pigeon leg, celeriac purée and fondant potato. He also became the first ever contestant in amateur MasterChef history to make his own puff pastry. And he pulled it off. And then spoiled it by undercooking his potato. As he sat, miserably, in the waiting room the viewer could see him, metaphorically, kicking himself at such a 'schoolboy error.' He is 'a class act' John suggested, 'but he made a silly mistake.' And then there was Lee whose pan roasted venison with sweet and sour red onion and a chocolate and stout sauce was the final dish. 'And, not an orange in sight,' said Gregg, happily. The dish was good. It was very good. But, said John, the onion was 'too powerful for the venison.' 'I don't want to go home.' said Lee. But, home he went. Interviewed afterwards, Lee was still being positive. 'I don't think this is the end,' he said. But, it was.

Twelve finalists will now start their battle for the MasterChef title next week, and they'll do so by cooking for the previous winners - Tim The Mad professor, lovely Dhruv, Mat, Thomasina, Big Fat Cuddly Claire, Aussie Ash the lot of them. Tough gig! And, hopefully, brilliant television.

The Trip of A Lifetime

It was once known as 'The Delia Effect' – a TV show boosting sales of a particular product (after Delia Smith got the country cooking in the 1980s). Perhaps we should rename it 'The Coxy Cause-and-Effect' from now on after BBC2's Stargazing Live, presented by yer actual Professor Brian Foxy Coxy, saw telescope sales soar almost five hundred per cent, according to the Sun. No, that's not a euphemism for anything - as in, 'is that a telescope in your pocket or are you just looking at Uranus? - I mean actual telescopes. Amazon reported sales up four hundred and ninety one per cent in the three hours after the show went out on Monday. The interest in Cox has also seen sales of his books more than double on Amazon since the physicist - and former pop musician - appeared on The Jonathan Ross Show. 'In the three hours following Stargazing Live being aired we saw an almost six-fold increase in sales of telescopes,' said Neil Campbell, the camera and photo store manager at Amazon. 'Each time the popular physicist appears on TV we see a jump in telescope sales and that would appear to point to a significant 'Brian Cox effect' encouraging a renewed interest in stargazing.' There's no word yet on whether this effect had also seen any significant increase in CD's by D:Ream. Probably not, I'm guessing.

According to the BBC press office as of Wednesday afternoon the BBC had received one hundred and eighty three 'contacts' (one hundred and eighteen comments and sixty five actual complaints) from viewers concerning various aspects of Stargazing Live. Only one of them - a complaint - related to Foxy Coxy's stridently anti-UFO stance. Personally, I thought that was a bit off, myself. It was an excellent show, Ed Bishop was particular good in it. No? Okay. (Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is indebted to his mate Duncan for that particular joke. Any complaints, send them to Duncan. Or, you know, Peter Gordino!) Perhaps a shade more worryingly was that the majority of the complaints were from 'people who disliked Dara O'Briain's presenting style.' I thought Dara - who, himself, of course as Coxy noted on Wednesday's show, studied cosmology and physics at Dublin University and is a very clever man indeed - did an excellent presenting job in a nicely self-deprecating way. And, he got that question he was asked about why stars twinkle and planets don't spot on. Maybe it was all the middle-aged ladies complaining about a portly bald Irishman spoiling their view of The Coxinator his very self? Who, honestly, knows? Or cares, for that matter? Sorry, I'm still chuckling away at Duncan's UFO jape. Ed Bishop! Anyway ... The BBC have also, much more importantly, received 'numerous' comments of praise about the series. Including, astonishingly, from the Daily Scum Mail. (Stargazing Live and Sherlock have continued to receive a steady drizzle of enthusiastic comments direct to the Beeb all week, apparently. Nice to see a bit of BBC-lurv in the house for once.)

Including HD viewers, three million watched the final episode of Stargazing Live on Wednesday with 2.6m of them hanging around for the subsequent Stargazing Live: Back to Earth discussion programme at 9:00pm. The main show had an audience of 2.73m on BBC2 and a further two hundred and sixty one thousand on BBC HD. Back to Earth's audience was 2.42m with two hundred and thirty one thousand on HD. Overall it was another very good night for BBC2 with the opening episode of The Crusades following with 1.9m. Earlier in the night, Eggheads , Great British Railway Journeys and Hairy Bikers' Best of British all topped two million for the channel. Georgia Salpa's eviction from the Big Brother house attracted an audience of 1.99m on Channel Five, according to overnight data. Celebrity Big Brother was followed by Kate Thornton - Anorexic: My Secret Past at 10pm, which averaged six hundred and sixteen thousand. So, to those people at least, it's no longer a secret, is it? Elsewhere, BBC1 had a steady night in the four to five million range broadcasting The ONE Show (4.4m), Rip Off Britain (4.69m), DIY SOS: The Big Build (5.19m) and MasterChef (4.25m) and the BBC News at Ten (4.7m). ITV's primetime coverage mostly consisted of an FA Cup football match, which averaged 3.4m, they having clearly picked the wrong match in Wolves versus Birmingham which probably appealed to few outside the west Midlands area. Piers Morgan's Life Stories in which the odious and oily twat interviewed Richard Branson had a risibly small audience of nine hundred and eighty six thousand sad, desperate punters from 10.45pm. On Channel Four, One Born Every Minute had 2.83m viewers in the 9pm hour with a further four hundred and sixty seven thousand of C4+1. Overall, BBC1 again came out on top with just over a twenty per cent audience share across the night, ahead of ITV's 15.4 per cent. BBC2 followed with 9.4 per cent.

Here's a little AI teaser from Monday of this week which should speak volumes without any additional commentary from this blogger. The Royal Bodyguard -seventy five; Mrs Brown's Boys - ninety one. Although, to be fair, one could suggest (and Gally Base's McLem actually did!) that Mrs Brown's Boys' AI may be artificially inflated by people simply being 'happy that The Royal Bodyguard is over.' Don't come for me looking for a quick answer on that one, dear blog reader.

BBC America is reportedly 'furious' with CBS over the US network's plan to produce a modern-day Sherlock Holmes series. Elementary - devised by Medium writer Rob Doherty - will, it is claimed, 'transport Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's detective to present-day New York.' BBC America chiefs have labelled the project as a 'blatant copy' of UK drama Sherlock, claims the Mirra. 'We want Sherlock to rate big in the States and this could take the shine off it,' an unnamed - and probably fictitious - 'source' allegedly told the odious tabloid. A 'US TV source' - again, almost certainly not real - added: 'The success of Sherlock in the UK has been major factor of bringing Elementary to life. We believe this modern twist will appeal to viewers. We want fresh American faces in the role.' BBC1's Sherlock - co-created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss - has, of course, already been commissioned for a third series. Moffat recently promised that fans will not have 'that long' to wait for new episodes. 'We're making movies - those six films we've made could go in the cinema,' said the writer. 'You can't factory produce that - it's a different kind of show. So, when we're good and ready - it won't be that long - but when we're ready, you'll get the follow-up.'

Wor Kev Whately has revealed that Lewis could soon come to an end. The Inspector Morse spin off - which also stars Laurence Fox - has been broadcast on ITV since 2006. Whately told the Radio Times: '[It won't last] a lot longer. I'm now police retirement age this year, so the time is coming quite soon, I think.' He added: 'You can definitely expect one more [series] next year, then after that, we'll see.' Whately - who has played Robbie Lewis since 1987 - admitted that he originally planned to stick with the role for just a few years. 'After three years, I thought "I've done enough of this now, I better leave it and go on to something else,"' he explained. 'I said I wasn't going to do any more, and luckily they persuaded me. Twenty six years later, I'm still at it.' The actor also confirmed that he had watched recent one-off prequel Endeavour, which starred Shaun Evans as a young Morse. 'I enjoyed Endeavour,' he said. 'I think it's got promise, so we'll see what they do with that.' It was recently reported that Endeavour could lead to a full series, with talks said to be 'ongoing' between production company Mammoth Screen and ITV. 'We're thrilled with the overwhelming response,' said executive producers Damien Timmer and Michele Bucker. 'The cries for a series are testament to Shaun Evans's remarkable performance.'

Russell Kane has signed up to host a new BBC3 comedy show. Live At The Electric, similar to BBC1's Live At The Apollo, will feature young comedians performing stand-up routines. Kane - very popular with students - will introduce the acts and also entertain the audience with his own sets, the Sun reports.

Dozens of classic horror movies produced by Britain's Hammer studios are to be restored for their release on Blu-Ray. More than thirty films will be resurrected, with several gaining new or extended scenes that were cut from the original. Among them is Terence Fisher's Dracula, which will incorporate a recently-discovered extended death scene considered too gruesome in 1958. Hammer was established in the 1934 and became synonymous with the horror genre in the 1950s and 1960s. Its run of monster movies included Dracula and The Curse Of Frankenstein, which made stars of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. After lying dormant since the 1980s, the company and its back catalogue were bought in 2007 by a consortium, and recently started producing new films including Let Me In and The Woman In Black. The restoration of its older titles is a large undertaking, with the likes of Pinewood Studios, Twentieth Century Fox, Warner Bros, Studio Canal and Paramount Pictures all contributing material. In a press release, Hammer added that the Blu-Ray discs would contain 'newly-filmed extras, including interviews with cast members.' The company is also asking members of the public to help it track down lost footage and deleted scenes from its movies. Some discoveries have already been made - the original UK title sequence has been reinstated on the 1966 masterpiece The Plague of The Zombies, while the UK title cards for Dracula: Prince of Darkness will be included on its release. Other classic gothic titles slated for restoration include Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, The Mummy, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Lost Continent, The Reptile, Slave Girls (not, please note, The Reptile Slave Girls as the BBC News website has it. Such a movie does not exist!) and The Vengeance of She.

News International could face a seven-figure bill after agreeing to pay substantial compensation on the eve of a high-profile trial to 'a significant number' of the fifty eight claimants who have fought to prove their phones were hacked by the Scum of the World. The claimants alleged that senior employees and directors at News Group Newspapers, the News International subsidiary that published the Scum of the World, knew that their journalists were engaging in illegal practices, and that the group deliberately deceived investigators and destroyed evidence whilst continuing to insist to the general public that any hacking that had gone on had been the work on one rogue reporter. While not admitting or denying those claims, NGN has agreed that compensation to the claimants can be assessed 'on that basis.' Its position means victims will receive sums far in excess of the usual range of compensation in cases of misuse of private information, with some sums believed to be in excess of one hundred thousand notes. Victims whose claims are expected to be settled include Christopher Shipman, the son of the mass murderer Harold Shipman, HJK, an anonymous member of the public who had a relationship with someone famous, and the politicians John Prescott, Chris Bryant and Denis MacShane. The actor Jude Law received one hundred and thirty thousand smackers and his ex-wife Sadie Frost fifty grand while the ex-deputy prime minister Lord Prescott was reported to have received forty big ones. Footballer Ashley Cole also settled for 'an undisclosed fee' with the now-defunct, disgraced and disgraceful tabloid's publisher, the court heard. News International said that it 'would not comment' on the agreements. The claimants' victory will provide an informal tariff for the other approximately seven hundred and forty victims whom Scotland Yard have confirmed had their phones hacked by the tabloid. The settlements also include a promise from NGN to 'continue to search' its electronic archives, meaning further evidence of unlawful interceptions could still be disclosed. Settlement orders contain a specific provision that new claims can be brought if further wrongdoing emerges in the future. This is important, say lawyers, because attempts are being made to reconstruct e-mail archives which were destroyed by NGN in an apparent attempt to cover up wrongdoing. Tamsin Allen, who has represented eight victims for Bindmans LLP, said: 'The claimants now have some clarity about what happened to them in the years between 2000 and 2005 and satisfaction that justice has finally been done. Many of them have wondered for years how tabloid newspapers were able to obtain secret personal information about them, even suspecting their closest friends and relatives. Lives have been severely affected by this cavalier approach to private information and the law. News Group's misguided decision to defend claims aggressively made matters worse,' she added. 'News Group have finally started to see sense and agreed to apologise and to pay compensation and costs in the majority of the remaining claims. The Leveson inquiry will, in time, reveal to the public the full extent of the perversion of good journalistic standards at the News of the World during the phone-hacking years.' The information extracted by the claimants provides such a detailed picture of the hacking operation at the Scum of the World which future claimants will be in a strong position to bring claims based on an inference, Allen added. 'The documents News Group has been forced to release paint such a comprehensive picture of the activities at the News of the World that new claimants may not need to prove Glenn Mulcaire had their pin number or that information from a voicemail left on their phone appeared in a subsequent article to successfully claim their phone was hacked,' said Allen. 'We have now established patterns of behaviour by the paper that could be relied upon to prove hacking in other cases where, seen in isolation, there appears to be less direct evidence of hacking.' In a pre-trial hearing where decisions will be made on further disclosure and how the remaining ten cases will be tried in February, Mr Justice Vos, the high court judge in charge of all hacking cases, is expected to hear statements in open court in which NGN accepts responsibility for wrongdoing. A number of claimants, including the MP Simon Hughes and the sports agent Sky Andrew have refused to settle their cases and seemingly want their day in court. The case is due to come to court on 13 February. As a result, NGN will continue to disclose further information and evidence. The full trial is expected to last three weeks. The remaining cases are likely to be tried together without any lead claims. Mark Thomson of Atkins Thomson, who represents victims including Jude Law and Simon Hughes as well as former claimants Sienna Miller and Kelly Hoppen, said: 'After years of denials and cover-up, News Group Newspapers has finally admitted the depth and scale of the unlawful activities of many of their journalists at the News of the World and the culture of illegal conduct at their paper. After more than a year of litigation, they have now not only made admissions and apologies to many individual victims of the phone-hacking conspiracy but also made general admissions about what went on.' Thomson paid tribute to the courage of the victims. 'All of the claimants have been extremely brave to take on and succeed against a massive and influential multinational media organisation. They can take the credit for triggering the new police investigation, the parliamentary inquiries and the Leveson inquiry. They should be very pleased with what they have achieved.' Gerald Shamash, a solicitor at Steel and Shamash who represents Alastair Campbell and Paul Gascoigne, said: 'When the now-defunct News of the World investigated and published stories about people, including people high up in government as well as other people in the public eye, it systematically ignored any privacy rights and interests they might have, and knew no limits in what it was prepared to do to get a story. It had a distorted idea of the "public interest", justifying its behaviour like a tyrannical father,' he added. The Scum of the World had placed Lord Prescott under surveillance when he was deputy prime minister, the court heard. Other payouts included forty thousand quid to rugby union star Gavin Henson and the same sum to entrepreneur and friend of Princes William and Harry, Guy Pelly. Pelly said in a statement read in court he had phoned his voicemail to find it engaged. The BBC's legal correspondent Clive Coleman said some commentators were viewing the latest settlements as News International 'waving the white flag.' There did not seem to be a huge appetite on News International's part to put their current and former journalists and editors in the witness box, he added. Labour MP Chris Bryant, who was awarded thirty thousand knicker, said in a court statement it was 'a matter of utmost distress' to discover that he was a victim. Joan Hammell, chief of staff to the Lord Prescott, was awarded forty thousand quid. She was party to highly sensitive information and cleared to the highest security vetting level within government, the court heard. Christopher Shipman, son Dr Harold Shipman, was awarded an undisclosed fee after it emerged that both his e-mails and phone were hacked. The Gruniad claims that is 'understands' there are about seventy more phone-hacking cases 'waiting in the wings.' Mark Lewis, the solicitor representing the Dowler family, and many other phone-hacking victims said the Thursday's rulings were 'just the tip of the iceberg.' Lewis added: 'It's a significant to the individuals who have settled but in the greater scheme of things is not particularly significant. The generic issues which have to still get discussed ahead as a trial because issues have to be resolved unless every case is settled.'

Perhaps the most significant new element of Thursday's hacking settlement announcements is the accusation by the hacking victims' lawyers that Murdoch company directors tried to destroy evidence. Although the lawyers' statement does not name specific names, it accuses 'directors of News Group Newspapers Ltd,' the Murdoch subsidiary which controlled the Scum of the World, of seeking to conceal the wrongdoing by 'deliberately deceiving investigators and destroying evidence.' The directors of NGN were headed, from April 2008, by James Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch's son. Murdoch the younger has already been at the centre of public allegations that he first authorised a cover-up in June 2008, by agreeing to buy the silence of Gordon Taylor, one of the hacking victims, with a lavish seven hundred thousand quid 'secret pay-off.' The following year, former Scum of the World editor Rebekah Brooks joined the NGN board. This was on 23 July 2009, a few days after the Gruniad Morning Star revealed the existence of the cover-up at the Scum of the World. Brooks, who by now had been promoted by Rupert Murdoch to head his entire UK newspaper operation, responded by claiming: 'The Guardian coverage, we believe, has substantially and likely deliberately misled the British public.' It now appears that it Brooks's own statement was far more likely to do that. Thursday's announcement accused NGN of a 'conspiracy, a cover-up and the destruction of evidence/e-mail archives.' It does not spell out on which dates the alleged destruction of the e-mail archive and/or evidence took place. But it says, under the company's new independently chaired management committee that 'attempts are being made to reconstruct e-mail archives which had been destroyed by News Group in an apparent attempt to cover up wrongdoing.' The allegations are, the Gruniad notes, carefully worded: The Murdoch organisation has not made any formal admission of guilt which could assist any criminal prosecution. The announcement says: 'News Group has agreed to compensation being assessed on the basis that senior employees and directors of NGN knew about the wrongdoing and sought to conceal it by deliberately deceiving investigators and destroying evidence.' But the lawyers involved, the Gruniad continues 'make plain their belief' that they have obtained a sheaf of incriminating documents, the significance of which News Group does not care to attempt to contest in open court. They say that in the course of the litigation, they have: 'obtained nine separate disclosure orders from the court. As a result, documents relating to the nature and scale of the conspiracy, a cover-up and the destruction of evidence/e-mail archives by News Group have now been disclosed to the claimants.' About sixty civil cases have been steadily fought through the courts throughout the last year. The disclosure battles have taken place largely behind the scenes. The Leveson inquiry public hearings may have attracted more limelight, with their lurid tales of tabloid sordid malpractice, shadfy skulduggery and naughty shenanigans and malarkey, but the lawsuits, brought by three firms of solicitors working in a co-ordinated project, have been the driving force behind the unfolding of the entire phone-hacking scandal. The series of disclosure orders forced the abandonment of the Scum of the World's long-held 'single rogue reporter' defence, the revival of a major police inquiry, which is still continuing, the departure of the prime minister's press secretary, former Scum of the World editor Andy Coulson, numerous arrests and the setting up of the Leveson inquiry itself. Leveson is likely to want to be supplied with the confidential papers detailing the reasons behind any settlements announced. This week, James Harding, the editor of the Murdoch-controlled Times, published a confessional editorial saying: 'It appears that the News of the World routinely used illegal means to unearth stories of questionable, if any, public interest. As the evidence of wrongdoing came to light, News International, Rupert Murdoch's company that also owns The Times, was unable or unwilling to police itself. This was a disgrace.' Thursday's statement from Bindmans, which represented a number of the claimants, credited 'the work of investigative journalists at the Guardian' in helping the victims by revealing the cover-up at the Scum of the World. Meanwhile, the Torygraph's chief reporter, Gordon Rayner, claimed in two separate tweets on Thursday that, firstly 'NGN [has been] asked to search desks, drawers and filing cabinets of eight staff members by lawyers for the hacking victims,' and, secondly that: '[A] QC accuses NGN of "deliberately destroying" PCs of eight journalists accused in the phone-hacking row.' Ravi Somaiya, a London-based reporter for the New York Times, added: 'One claimant settled-with tells me his legal costs are two hundred thousand pounds. There are sixty hacking cases pending. Again, ouch for News International.'

Jude Law has expressed relief that, now legal proceedings that resulted in him receiving one hundred and thirty thousand mucho wonga plus costs had concluded, he could finally 'speak out' about the impact phone hacking had on his life. 'Over a number of years, the News of the World conducted an illegal campaign of hacking and surveillance against me,' the actor said in a statement read out in court by his lawyer, Mark Thomson. In 2011, Law said that he decided to bring legal proceedings against the group to 'try to find out the truth. Today, in court, it has been announced that those proceedings have been completely successful,' he said. 'I have been unable to make any statement until now about phone-hacking because of those proceedings. Now they are at an end, I can finally speak out about what went on.' Law described how, for several years leading up to 2006, he was suspicious about how information concerning his private life was coming out in the press. He changed his phones and had his house swept for electronic bugs. 'But, still the information kept being published,' he said. 'I started to become distrustful of people close to me.' When the source of the stories – and the full scale of the invasions into his life, and those of his family and friends – became clear, he said that he was deeply shocked. 'I was truly appalled by what I was shown by the police and by what my lawyers have discovered,' he said. 'It is clear that I, along with many others, was kept under constant surveillance for a number of years. No aspect of my private life was safe from intrusion by News Group newspapers, including the lives of my children and the people who work for me. It was not just that my phone messages were listened to: News Group also paid people to watch me and my house for days at a time and to follow me and those close to me both in this country and abroad.' Including, Law claimed, in his statement whilst he was at JFK airport in New York making this, technically, an offence under US law as well as in the UK. Law said that he had achieved everything he wanted from this litigation. 'I hope this means that they will never invade my privacy again. They have also finally given a proper apology,' he said. The actor made it clear that the case, for him, was never about money. Although, he certainly wasn't going to turn his nose up at one hundred and thirty big ones, and rightly so. 'It was about standing up for myself and finding out what had happened,' he said. 'I owed it to my friends and family as well as myself to do this.' Law emphasised that he continues to believe in a free press. 'But,' he added, 'what News Group did was an abuse of its freedoms. They have overstepped the mark for many years. They were prepared to do anything to sell their newspapers and to make money, irrespective of the impact it had on people's lives. It was not just those like me, whose work involved them being in the public eye, but also many other people, often at the most vulnerable times of their lives. It is now up to the police and the Leveson inquiry to continue their investigations into tabloid abuses.' Rumours that the apology he received began with the words 'Hey Jude, don't take it bad,' cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied.

Neville Thurlbeck, the former chief reporter at the Scum of the World has written on his blog that he is 'aware' of News International executives 'who witnessed practices which would send the share price crashing through the floor.' Thurlbeck wrote: 'The most damaging allegation to emerge against News International today was that its directors took part in an orchestrated cover-up of criminal wrong-doing and sought to destroy incriminating evidence. Much more evidence against News International will come in the future. I worked there from 1988 onwards and I am aware of executives who witnessed practices which would send the share price crashing through the floor. I expect much of this to come out in industrial tribunals and high court actions by former members of staff. But it is the irrevocable loss of trust which could sink it.'

The editor of celebrity magazine OK! has denied to the Leveson inquiry that a recent front page about the Duchess of Cambridge 'crossed a barrier.' Appearing before Lord Justice Leveson on Wednesday, Lisa Byrne denied that a front page in January about Kate Middleton's thirtieth birthday celebrations misled readers. The editors of two other leading celebrity magazines – Heat and Hello! – and four regional newspaper editors also gave evidence to the inquiry on Wednesday. The cover Byrne was asked about featured a strapline stating Catherine's royal birthday – the intimate party, gifts, star guests and delicious menu. It also featured a box saying: 'My husband is my soulmate – world exclusive interview and pictures.' Carine Patry Hoskins, counsel to the inquiry, asked if these words were misleading because they suggested the magazine had an 'exclusive' interview. In fact, the words 'My husband is my soulmate' referred to another story entirely. Byrne denied this, saying the two headlines of the different stories were not very close together on the front page. 'If I was going to be misleading I would have pushed it up. Some people might see that it could be misleading. There was nowhere else to put that box.' She added that there was speculation at the time that Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton were organising 'this ridiculous party' and 'we spoke to the palace who said it was going to be a real intimate occasion and all it did was put a piece together exploring what they bought each other in the past, what was their favourite food.' Patry Hoskins said the words 'guests and delicious menu' next to the headline about the birthday created the impression that the story had details about the Duchess's birthday plans. Byrne replied: 'It's just discussing what they like as a couple. There's loads of detail. All magazines have to an extent sell their publication and not cross a barrier. I felt that had not crossed a barrier. If we had, we would have said "world exclusive" and we haven't done that.' Earlier, Byrne told the inquiry that she understood how some OK! readers might have been 'upset' by a front-page headline about the wedding of Wayne and Coleen Rooney in 2008. The Press Complaints Commission ruled against the magazine after a coverline referred to the 'star-studded' wedding, but inside there was merely a full-page advert for coverage of the event the following week. Byrne was on maternity leave at the time, but she said that if the magazine had pictures of the wedding, it would have put them on the cover. 'I have to sell the magazine and make sure that whatever is on the front page is [accurate]. Accuracy is very important,' Byrne said. The Heat editor, Lucie Cave, said that the magazine made a 'grave mistake' in 2007, before she took over running the title, when it published a sticker mocking the disabled son of glamour model and reality TV star Katie Price, who made a complaint to the PCC. 'All I can say is that this was a grave mistake,' she said. 'Everybody who worked at the magazine and who works at the magazine did everything they could to apologise. I don't think it is justifiable. Everybody who worked at the magazine was mortified by that mistake.' Except, presumably, for the people who made it and the editor who passed it and the publisher who counted all of the taking for that particular issue, of course. Or, were they all merely 'mortified' that Price - someone not known to be shy of publicity and a close working relationship with magazines such as Heat - complained about it? Perhaps, we'll never care. Heat paid a donation to a charity and printed an apology to Price after the sticker was published in November 2007. The editors were also questioned on their use of photographs from paparazzi agencies. Cave was challenged over pictures published by Heat published a picture of X Factor creator Simon Cowell on a private yacht. The magazine did not check with Cowell before publication. She said: 'We know from working with him he kind of enjoys the lifestyle that goes with his celebrity. We took the decision he is clearly playing up to the paparazzi. In this instance, and the tone of the piece, he would not have a problem with that picture.' Hello!'s Rosie Nixon admitted that the claim that the magazine had a 'rare interview' with author JK Rowling in 2001 was 'clearly misleading.' Nixon was questioned about an interview with the Harry Potter author, seven years before she was made editor. Rowling told the inquiry last year that the article claimed to be 'a rare and exclusive interview' but 'what they had done was taken that article from a different paper and repackaged it.' She claimed the piece was used to justify further articles about her private life. Nixon said the quotes in fact came from a Q&A session with a group of children arranged by Comic Relief. She admitted that the packaging of the story as a 'rare and exclusive' interview was 'clearly misleading.' She said the magazine now treats the term 'exclusive' seriously and there are processes in place to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Leveson also heard on Wednesday from four regional newspaper editors, who described how tough the business had become commercially in recent years. Spencer Feeney, editor of the South Wales Evening Post, said that the general view was that advertising revenues in the past five years had 'about halved.' John McLellan, editor of the Scotsman said: 'The big categories that have taken the steepest fall, recruitment, property and motors have taken the most flak, in particular recruitment which was the mainstay of the regional press, which it is fair to say has all but disappeared.' Leveson has repeatedly expressed concern about the future of regional and local papers, saying they perform a valuable service for communities, reporting from courts, on local councils and public sector bodies such as health authorities.

Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is a lad of considerable girth, dear blog reader, he's never hid that fact. And, by and large, he doesn't do 'wobble bottom' jokes. But he simply has to fill you in on a conversation he overheard in the local chippy on Thursday lunchtime. Large lass: 'Can I have sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips, please?' Lad on the counter: 'Sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips?' Lass: 'Aye. Oh, and fried onion ring. And another battered sausage.' Lad: 'That it?' Lass: 'Yeah. Oh, and plenty of batter on the sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips.' Lad: 'Do you want salt and vinegar on your sausage and chips, and pie and chips, and curry and chips, and chips?' Lass: 'Just salt. Loads of salt. But no vinegar. It ruins the taste. I hate vinegar, me.' Lad: 'Do you want any drinks with that?' Lass: 'Aye, give me a coke. No, better make it a diet coke, I'm watching me figure!' True story.

Liverpool's centre forward Andy Carroll has revealed that he wears a T-shirt under his red top with a message on it for whenever he scores. Rumours that it reads 'Save the Chilean Miners' cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied. I heard it was 'Ruth Ellis is Innocent' personally.

Keith Telly Topping's latest 45 of the Day is another trip into yer actual Fabsville (near Funky Town, just outside Grooveumbria). Roll up, roll up, you peasants. The party is about to begin. (Please bring your own narcotics, this is a family blog.)

And, as an extra special bonus, here's one for Foxy Coxy's massive fanclub. (Although, actually, I'm not sure he's playing on this one - and he's definitely not on this Top of the Pops performance. But, it's much better than their other two big hits!)

What Do You Want To Be?

Steven Moffat has promised that Sherlock fans will not have 'that long' to wait for a third series of the hugely popular drama. The writer told the Radio Times that he plans to 'starve' and 'tease' viewers in the run-up to future episodes. 'Get used to a bit of starvation,' he said. 'We're making movies - those six films we've made could go in the cinema. You can't factory produce that - it's a different kind of show. So, when we're good and ready - it won't be that long - but when we're ready, you'll get the follow-up.' Moffat also confirmed that a third series of Sherlock was commissioned alongside the second run back in 2010. 'We knew we had this cliffhanger coming, we knew that we were doing The Final Problem, and we did not want people to know that [Holmes] survived,' he explained. 'We wanted to wind the audience up so that the final shot [of series two] would have the impact that it evidently did. We were commissioned for series two and series three at the same time, but we decided to keep it under wraps that day that series three was in the bag.'

Meanwhile, CBS is reported to have picked up a new detective drama pilot, described as 'a modern-day take on Sherlock Holmes.' Hmm ... that sounds remarkably original. Elementary will transport Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's detective to present-day New York, according to Deadline. The project has been devised and written by Medium writer Rob Doherty, who will also executive produce alongside Justified's Sarah Timberman and Carl Beverly. Elementary was first announced in September, when BBC producer Sue Vertue used Twitter to remark on the similarity between this project and something which she, herself, works on. She wrote: 'Interesting CBS, I'm surprised no one has thought of making a modern day version of Sherlock before. Oh hang on, we have!'

On the subject of his other show, Moffat has admitted that he is excited about plans for the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who. The BBC's long-running popular SF family drama was first broadcast in 1963. A new series of 'at least fourteen' episodes is expected to debut in the autumn. 'There will never be a better time, I promise you,' Moffat told the Radio Times. 'I'm saying this as a Doctor Who fan myself, and knowing a certain amount about what's coming.' He continued: 'For so many reasons I can't talk about yet, there will never be a better time to be a Doctor Who fan, I absolutely promise that.' The showrunner previously insisted that he has 'huge' and 'extensive' plans for the anniversary year.

The second episode of the new series of MasterChef gave viewers another eight sacrificial victims (sorry, 'hopefuls') to get all excited - and prejudiced - about. During the opening moments one of them, a blonde lady called Lex, confessed that she can get 'quite fiercely competative' which, she continued, can sometimes lead to her getting a bit ... then she made a sort of 'grrr!' sound. Christ almighty, she was annoying. 'I really hope she goes out, quickly' this blogger thought. Which, as it happened she did. Eventually. Wrong, I know but, what can I say, I'm a licence fee payer, dear blog reader. I pay their wages. The invention test again kicked-off the episode - seventy minutes to prepare one plate of food from a selection of lovely-looking ingredients on display. Lex, as it happens, was first up. Described by India Fisher on voice-over as 'Brighton mum, Lex' but, on the on-screen caption as having the profession of 'charity development.' Eh? Oh ... one of those 'that's not a real job' type jobs. Gotcha. Lex said she was going to be cooking Salmon fish-cakes and salmon tart. Might've helped if she'd actually picked salmon instead of sea trout in that case. (To be fair, though, she wasn't the only contestant to make exactly that mistake.) She twisted her face in a pouty fashion when Gregg and John both said they didn't like the tart but she got through to the next round anyway. So did Charlie, in his Spiritualized T-shirt who said he had 'no fear' and cooked a nice-looking chicken Kiev, and Ashvy, who did roast sea trout with parsley and mint salsa verde which the judges found 'intriguing.' Supply teacher Emma also made it through - cooking roast pigeon with raspberry sauce and a bubble and squeak. Wallace thought this was so good that, after she'd left the room, he picked up the pigeon in his bare hands and attacked it like a begger receiving alms! You greedy starver, Gregory.

The other four contestants were a strange bunch, frankly. There was Afsaneh, who made a Middle Eastern-influenced stuffed breast of chicken with pine nuts and citrus and apple sauce. The judges liked some of it although John said he found the sauce 'a little stick sticky and a little bit messy.' In desperation at seeing her dreams in danger of flying off out of the window, Afsaneh wittered on for a while about having to 'follow her passion.' As she left, Gregg noted that unfortunately, her passion didn't resemble anything she'd given them on the plate. Luckily, perhaps, she did get through. And, then she's blossomed. Also getting through was Matthew from Norfolk who made rabbit legs with pigeon breast. He was, Gregg considered, 'the boldest cook in the room' but his dish 'didn't quite work' and he had 'well and truly under-delivered.' Ejected were Sanjay who began strongly with a statement that good food should be 'like music that takes you to a state of euphoria.' Amen, brother. Unfortunately his dish, sea trout (again, not salmon as he'd thought) with fennel, quails egg and sliced tomatoes was 'a game of two halves' and, simply, too weird for John and Gregg. More Herman's Hermits than The Beatles, if you like. Pity, he seemed a very amiable chap and when asked if he had anything to add after underwhelming the judges said, hopefully, 'I'd put me through!' Tordoe and Wallace begged to differ. Rachel also went, despite having talked a good game earlier on. Her pork lion stuffed with apple and dates was dry and lacking in sauce according to John. 'Next time, I'll be better,' she said. Sadly for her, there wasn't to be a next time. The remaining six then went off to two top London restaurants - the Imli and the Prism - for a day of sweat, stress and - in the case of Lex, Matthew and Ashvy at least - lots of mistakes. I'm really not sure about having the professional kitchen section this early in the competition. Tuesday night's was madly entertaining for the astonishing rudeness of that berk from the Gilgemesh but Wednesday's just felt like fifteen minutes of padding between the good stuff either side. This blogger actually flicked over to Stargazing Live for a bit. But, Josh Bishop was on, so I soon came back to MasterChef. Star of the second round was undoubtedly Afsaneh whose trio of deserts, including saffron and cardamom ice cream and a fig fritter blew both judges away the mostest, baby. Having used various awkward Persian puns when imagining how good it might be ('magic carpet ride' and all that) what they got was truly jaw-dropping. 'That looks stunning,' said John Tordoe, never a man to use an adjective like that when 'adequate' will do! 'If that tastes as good as it looks I might just kiss you.' Afsaneh looked as though she be quite prepared for that eventuality. Gregg was equally impressed (although, he didn't mention any proposed kissing). As Afsaneh staggered away about to have an emotional outburst, the best comedy double act currently on TV provided the perfect understated punchline ('she did all right!', 'yeah, not bad!') Afsaneh apart, however, the other five were much-of-a-muchness and, in the end, you sensed John and Gregg had put through the trio they did on the strength of their first round more than their second. Charlie was the most adventurous, cooking lion of venison with leek and ginger mash, parsnips, haggis and venison bon bons and a red wine jeu. John liked it, even if he did consider it 'slightly bonkers.' This time, unusually, it was Gregg who was a bit sniffy. But, Charlie made it, as did Ashvy who produced 'a meat lovers tasting platter' (pork kebabs, mango lamb chops and chicken tikka with mint chutney). Gregg said he was 'looking forward to the meat-fest' (ho-hum) and pulled some interesting faces when he tasted the chicken tikka and liked it. John was more restrained in the facial department. The last place went to Matthew who, I have to say, can probably consider himself a bit luckily. His dish included loads of lovely stuff that this blogger would've happily scoffed till the cows come home (lobster linguine with tarragon sauce, scallops tartar and prawns in garlic butter). But, there appeared to be a bit too much going on. 'You're trying too hard,' said John before actually seeming, for once, to get properly angry. 'I know you've got a work ethic but this is just wrong.' Then he, too, did the 'grrr' sound. Just like Lex only far scarier. 'Hopefully, it won't cost me,' Matthew bleated though you sensed it would. In the end, however, he got through at the expense of Emma and Lex. The former had a nightmare, cooking a peach and pecan tart with raspberry and apple ice cream. 'Pretty much every element could go wrong' she confessed. And one of them did, and did big style. The tart didn't set and the pastry was, John considered just plain 'nasty.' 'It seems to be falling apart,' Gregg noted. Whether he was talking about the tart or Emma's chances, it was hard to say. The undercooked pastry made it, John added, 'nothing short of a disaster.' The waterwork, inevitably, came from Emma at that point although she tried her best to remain perky and hopeful - against all reason - that she might just have squeaked through. She didn't. And, neither did competitive-to-the-point-of-grrrr! Lex whose 'twist' on lemon curd and cream cake involved lime and cardamom sponge and a ginger biscuit. 'A mixed bag,' announced Gregg at which point Lex produced a face like a smacked arse. 'Too many errors,' added Gregg. So, on Thursday we have the final episode of the opening stages. The end of the beginning, as it were. Next week, the competition proper starts.

The public push initiated on BBC2's Stargazing Live series to find planets beyond our Solar System appears to have had an immediate result. A viewer who answered the call has helped spot a world that appears to be circling a star dubbed SPH10066540. The planet is described as being similar in size to Neptune and circles its parent sun every ninety days. Chris Holmes from Peterborough found it by looking through time-lapsed images of stars on Planethunters.org. The website hosts data gathered by NASA's Kepler space telescope, and asks volunteers to sift the information for anything unusual that might have been missed in a computer search. 'I've never had a telescope. I've had a passing interest in where things are in the sky, but never had any more knowledge about it than that,' Holmes told BBC News. 'Being involved in a project like this and actually being the one to find something is a very exciting position.' Chris Lintott from Oxford University who helps organise Planethunters.org and co-presents The Sky At Night added: 'We're ecstatic. We've been groaning under the strain of all these people who want to help us, which is exactly how it should be.' The public participation project was launched last year, but it got a huge fillip when it was featured in the popular Stargazing series' return to BBC2 on Monday.

Volunteers have tripled to more than one hundred thousand people, and the number of images inspected has now reached a million. The new planet candidate's status will need more checking, but it looks strong, said Lintott. 'It would be our fifth detection since we started and our first British one as well,' he added. The Kepler space telescope, launched in 2009, has been searching a part of space thought to have many stars similar to our own Sun. It looks for the periodic dip in light that results every time a planet passes in front of one of those stars. These so-called transits have to be observed several times before a planet will be confirmed. For the orange dwarf star SPH10066540, five such events have now been seen in the Kepler data. Holmes found a pass; the Planethunters team then looked deeper into the Kepler archive and found it had made other transits before and after at approximately ninety day intervals. The candidate has a radius about 3.8 times that of Earth, and orbits its parent star at a distance of fifty five million kilometres - a separation similar to that between Mercury and our Sun. This means the planet is probably too hot (and too big) to support life. 'Kepler is trying to answer the question: "how many planets are there in our Milky Way Galaxy?"' explained Lintott. 'Now, you can build an algorithm to search through the data but the chances are it will have some systematics - it may be missing some things. Planethunters is the ultimate check. If the computers don't find the planets, the humans will; and it helps us to be sure that we're getting a true picture of the planet population in the Milky Way.'

Top Gear hosts Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attracted an audience this week as they filmed for the new series of the BBC show. Driving what appeared to be customised mobility scooters, a crowd formed to watch the trio race against each other in Abergavenny in South Wales. Expect some slime-bucket waste-of-oxygen at the Gruniad Morning Star to write a pre-emptive story gleefully detailing someone complaining that they are, in some way, 'insulting' disabled people (or the Welsh, or indeed both) very soon.

What's the longest word you can make from the letters RAEPKWAEN? Straightfaced Countdown host Nick Hewer stifled his blushes after a contestant offered 'wanker' on the pre-recorded Channel Four afternoon show. Hewer stifled a smile on Wednesday's show after contestant Mark successfully spelled out the word, which was bleeped out, and was making its fourth appearance on the long-running Channel Four daytime show twenty one years after it was first aired. Mark hid his laughter as he told Hewer he had a six-letter word, followed by a short bleep and laughter from the studio audience. 'Right, and, um, Nick?' said Hewer, quickly. Susie Dent, in dictionary corner, dutifully confirmed that the word 'wanker' is, indeed, in the dictionary and Mark was awarded the six points. 'Jolly good,' mused Hewer, who took over as host of the show earlier this month. A Channel Four spokeswoman confirmed that 'wanker' is a valid word on the show, as it is classed as 'vulgar slang' and not a swear word, per se. It means, just in case you didn't know, a masturbator or, figuratively, a very silly person. it first appeared, in print at any rate, around 1972 according to the Oxford Dictionary of Slang. 'Wanker' first popped up on the evergreen quiz show, which has been on air since Channel Four launched in 1982, more than two decades ago, when then-host Richard Whitely squirm with embarrassment saying 'it'll be interesting to see if that's in the dictionary' when both players offered the plural version 'wankers.' It was. Christine Hamilton fell victim to the word when she was a dictionary corner guest in 2003 and it also made an appearance while Des O'Conner was at the helm in 2008. Hamilton joked at the time: 'I wouldn't have thought it was in the dictionary but it is in there and we all know what it means so I think we'd better move on.' Loyal fans of Countdown will note that words including 'piss' and 'fart' have all been used – but Channel Four pointed out that they rarely scoop the points. Well no, they wouldn't, they're only four letter words. Infamously, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie sent up Countdown's problem with naughty words in an episode of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

It was intended as a raucous, beer-soaked celebration of the start of the latest series of one of Brazil's most popular TV programmes. Fuelled by alcohol and accompanied by live music from one of Rio de Janeiro's top samba schools, this was the opening party for the twelfth season of Big Brother Brazil, the Endemol-produced reality show. But police in Rio on Tuesday confirmed they were investigating a suspected rape which allegedly took place in the Big Brother House after the party last Saturday. According to reports in the O Dia newspaper, a team of police officers went to the TV studio where the programme is filmed to question the alleged suspect, Daniel Echaniz, a thirty one year-old male model, and the alleged victim, twenty three-year-old Monique Amin. A seven-minute video of the alleged rape – shot by the Brazilian broadcaster TV Globo using a night vision camera – has subsequently been posted on YouTube, although the channel has taken steps to remove it, claiming copyright violation. And, you know, taste violation as well. 'We already have the video and we will analyse the images,' police chief Antônio Ricardo said. 'The fact is serious and needs to be investigated.' The alleged rape of Amin, a student from Porto Alegre in southern Brazil, triggered outrage on social media and among women's rights activists and celebrities. On Monday, Brazil's minister for women's policies, Iriny Lopes, asked Rio's public prosecutor to accompany the case. But speaking on the programme on Sunday, Amin claimed she could not remember the incident. 'We kissed, I remember one kiss, he said there were two. We touched each other and really this is all I remember,' she said. 'Sex?' she added. 'No. Only if he was a real scumbag and did it while I was sleeping.' On Sunday Echaniz was expelled from the programme by Globo executives. In a statement, the show's host, Pedro Bial, said: 'Big Brother has examined Daniel's behaviour without jumping the gun and with the utmost care. We have analysed the images which show an infraction of the programme's rules. The programme's directors believe that the contestant's behaviour on the night of the party was seriously inadequate.' In an interview with the Brazilian media, Big Brother's director, José Bonifácio Brasil de Oliveira, denied there had been a rape but admitted Echaniz had 'overstepped the mark.' That did little to dampen calls for a police investigation. Speaking to Brazil's Veja news magazine, Geórgia Bello, a legal representative of the Commission for the Defence of Women's Rights at Rio's state parliament, said: 'The girl was visibly inebriated and in a vulnerable state. Of course this is rape. From his movements in the images, you can see that his hips are touching the young lady. She was not awake and this may characterise rape,' Bello said. On Tuesday morning Echaniz used his Twitter account to defend himself. 'People, if something happened this is my problem and no one else's.' Later that day Echaniz revisited the subject. 'Mum I am calm,' he wrote. 'Justice will be done. You don't need to get upset. I love you a lot.'

BBC2 detective comedy Vexed is to return for a second series. Toby Stephens will reprise his role as disorganised detective Jack Armstrong in a new six-part run. Former [spooks] star Miranda Raison will join the cast for series two as newly promoted DI Georgina Dixon, replacing Lucy Punch's Kate Bishop. 'We're very much looking forward to the return of Vexed,' said Chris Sussman, executive producer for the BBC. He continued: 'The second series promises to be just as much fun as the first, and with Miranda Raison joining Toby Stephens as new partner DI Dixon, we're hoping it's going to be all-guns blazing.' Holby City's Roger Griffiths and Survivors actor Ronny Jhutti will also return to the cast, with The Iron Lady's Nick Dunning joining the show as Georgina's father. Vexed is currently filming in Dublin.

Mongrels' Dan Tetsell has announced that the series has been axed. The puppet comedy, created by Adam Miller, began on BBC3 in 2010 and recently concluded its second run. Voice actor Tetsell - who plays idiotic cat Marion - broke the news of the show's cancellation on Twitter. 'If you were (like me) hoping Mongrels would get a third series, I've got some bad news' he wrote. When a fan enquired if he was being serious, Tetsell replied: 'Yeah, we've all been sacked now.' In August 2010, Tetsell also broke the news of Mongrels being picked up for a second series. The series was accused of plagiarism in the same year, with writer Brian West claiming that the show's format and characters were copied from his own project Pets.

Caroline Quentin has admitted that she regrets the majority of her acting choices. Speaking to the Gruniad, the Men Behaving Badly actress revealed that she was not impressed with her recent TV roles. Neither, seemingly, have most of the general public. Well, you know, don't just do it on our behalf, Caz. If you don't like it, stop doing it.

CSI showrunner Carol Mendelsohn has dropped new hints about Marg Helgenberger's forthcoming exit. Helgenberger will depart her role as Catherine Willows later this month, after almost twelve years on the CBS crime drama. 'As a woman, Catherine feels she's hit a glass ceiling at CSI,' Mendelsohn told TV Guide. 'It's something that's been weighing on her, and she sees a door to a new life.' She added that Catherine will be inspired to move on after working a case with an old friend (Annabeth Gish) who works at the FBI. 'These FBI agents shine a mirror on how good she is at what she does,' revealed the executive producer. However, fellow executive producer Don McGill confirmed that Helgenberger is welcome to return to CSI in the future. 'It's not a "for always" goodbye,' he said. 'There's always an open door.' Helgenberger recently admitted that she 'felt the need to step back' from her CSI role. 'I had been playing this character for eleven and a half years,' she explained. 'I'm very excited about the great wide open, the future and all the possibilities.' Elisabeth Shue will replace Helgenberger as a series regular.

House's Greg Yaitanes has hinted that Lisa Edelstein could still return to the show. But, that she probably won't. So, it's not really a news story, in that case. The actress quit her role as Lisa Cuddy at the conclusion of the FOX medical drama's seventh season. Executive producer Yaitanes told TV Line that Edelstein will be asked back if the current eighth season of House proves to be the show's last. 'That is a conversation [we will have],' he confirmed. 'We would love to have her back.' However, Yaitanes then added that the future of House is still uncertain, with FOX entertainment president Kevin Reilly admitting at the recent TCA press tour that a final decision on a potential ninth season has yet to be made. 'If it's not the end, I don't think [a return for Cuddy will] happen,' said Yaitanes, which would make this entire conversation a colossal waste of time, energy and breath. 'But that's just my personal opinion.' Hugh Laurie has suggested that he may retire from acting once House ends, in favour of writing and directing.

Teri Polo has signed up for a guest role on Criminal Minds. The actress - who recently appeared in ABC's axed sitcom Man Up - will play an obsessive teacher on the CBS drama, according to TV Line. Jailed for molesting one of her students, Polo's character Miss Hallman is released from prison and becomes determined to track down her victim. Polo is perhaps best known for her role in 2000 comedy film Meet the Parents and its sequels. Her television credits include a stint on The West Wing (as Matt Santos's wife) and a supporting role on short-lived NBC series Law & Order: Los Angeles.

Warwick Davis has admitted that he would love to appear in Doctor Who. The Life's Too Short actor told the Radio Times that after the enormous flop of his recently completed sitcom, a part in the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama is his 'dream' role. 'Steven Moffat is somebody I want to talk to,' he said. Yeah, you and every other fanboy under the sun, matey. 'I love Sherlock and I would love to be in Doctor Who - it's been a dream of mine for many years.' He added: 'I don't want to play the Doctor, but a villain or something like that would be pretty good.'

The editor of Heat magazine has said that there is a 'public interest' in 'exposing' the actions of allegedly 'hypocritical' celebrities who claim to be role models. Appearing at the Leveson Inquiry into press ethics and standards, Lucie Cave admitted that there is a 'great difference between public interest and things that are interesting to the public.' However, she said that it was justified for magazines to expose a star 'who portrayed themselves as a real family person' but was having an affair. 'Obviously there is a great difference between public interest and things that are interesting to the public,' she said at the high court in London. 'There obviously can sometimes be a public interest argument if a celebrity who is a role model for our readers does something that contradicts how they portray themselves.' Carine Patry Hoskins, counsel to the inquiry, asked Cave to give an example of this, to which she said that it may be someone who 'earned money from having photoshoots with their children,' but then was 'found out to be having an extramarital affair.' However, she admitted that just because a celebrity was paid for a photoshoot or story in a magazine, this did not mean that it was 'open season' on any aspects of their private life. Cave gave a cautious welcome to the idea of a register being set up, most probably by the Press Complaints Commission, which would indicate the celebrities who wanted to remain private. She said that it may work, but only if it is regularly updated. 'It might be there's a moment in their life where they particularly don't want a photograph taken of them for whatever reason, but then at other times they might be happy to have a photograph taken,' said Cave. 'It would be a very useful tool for us if they used a body like the PCC to update them on their circumstances.'

Weather presenters could face jail if they give incorrect forecasts, it has been reported. The South African government has passed the legislation with the hope that forecasters will not cause unnecessary panic. Politicians have successfully argued that wrong predictions on drought and flash-flooding can lead to economic damage. Severe weather alerts will now only be issued by a presenter after receiving written permission from South Africa's Weather Service Bill first. First offenders of the new law could face a fine of up to four hundred thousand smackers and a maximum five-year prison sentence. For repeat offenders, a ten-year sentence and an eight hundred thousand notes fine would apply.

A fourth suspect has been arrested by detectives investigating allegations that Tottenham Hotshots spied on Olympic officials during its stadium bid. Police said a forty five-year-old man was being held at a south London station on suspicion of fraud after his property was searched. West Ham United and the Olympic Park Legacy Company allege that information was unlawfully obtained, the force said. Spurs have denied putting officials under surveillance. The club had lost out to West Ham in the race to become the Olympic Park Legacy Company's first choice to move into the stadium after the 2012 Games. A deal with West Ham and Newham Council to use the stadium in Stratford, East London, collapsed in October. The government announced that the stadium would instead remain in public ownership.

Costume designer Richard Bruno, who won a BAFTA in 1990 for his work on Martin Scorsese's Goodfellas, has died aged eighty seven, Variety reports. During a three-decade career, he worked on more than fifty films including Heaven Can Wait and The Untouchables. But it was Bruno's work on Scorsese movies including Raging Bull and on The Color of Money which gained him recognition. The Costume Designers Guild praised him as a 'remarkably gifted designer.' Bruno's Hollywood career began as a costume designer in 1965 for several low-budget movies before working on the 1973 Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand film The Way We Were and 1974's Chinatown, starring Jack Nicholson and directed by Roman Polanski. He first teamed up with Scorsese on 1977's New York, New York and went on to work with him for four more films until Goodfellas. Bruno's designs also proved influential when his deep-collared, steep-pointed shirts that he designed for Goodfellas started a trend in the US. He retired in the late 1990's, with horror sequel Species II his final film. 'Richard Bruno was a remarkably gifted designer especially in designing costumes for male characters,' said Mary Rose, president of the board for the Costume Designers Guild. 'Always a professional, he was well respected by the industry and will be greatly missed by all of us.' He is survived by two daughters.

A man has been arrested after reports of a racist comment directed at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United on Twitter. The tweet was made on the social networking site on Tuesday. Police began an investigation and the account that it came from was later deleted. Newcastle United issued a statement saying it was 'appalled' by the comments made in reference to the club and its players. A twenty nine-year-old man has been arrested and is currently in custody.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Which, today, is fabulous. And, tuned to a natural E.

Go Coxy Go!

TV comedy line of the week - by about a light-year - came from a highly unexpected but, nevertheless impressively qualified, source. Yer actual Professor Brian Cox, on the subject of moon landing conspiracies at the start of episode two of Stargazing Live: 'If you still think we didn't land on the moon then turn over to ITV because I don't want you!' he said. Dara O Briain's next line ('so ... If you're still here ...') was also noteworthy. Coxy later suggested that people who believe in UFOs (or, at least, that UFOs are alien spacecraft rather than, you know, the planet Venus, reflections from space hardware or other perfectly explicable phenomena) might prefer to be watching Celebrity Big Brother instead. Although they'd have to be time travellers if they were to do so because he was an hour out in scheduling. Bit of an elementary schoolboy-type error there, Prof. You're supposed to be a quantum physicist and all that, you surely know what time Celebrity Big Brother starts? If you mastered Einstein's theory of relativity you can manage the Radio Times?

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved MasterChef returned for a new series on Tuesday evening on BBC1. John and Gregg were back (the latter even using his old catchphrase 'cooking doesn't get any tougher than this' for just about the first time in over a year) and so was gorgeous husky-voiced India Fisher as narrator. Hurrah! There was a slight change of format this year, less The X-Factor, more The Voice. But, the opening episode largely concentrated on the invention test which always sorts the men from the boys and the women from the girls as it were. 'You can't practice an invention test,' noted Gregg. 'You've either got it or you ain't.' We'll ignore the grammatical error, mr Wallace because we know what you're getting at. The contestants this time around included Big Shelina with her Mauritius spicy chicken, Eamonn who was in the qualifiers last year with his sea bream and wild mushrooms with masala sauce and Tom the plasterer who made a goats cheese and garlic thing with sweet potato. John and Gregg looked very doubtful. Then, they tasted it. 'Shouldn't work but it does,' said John. Gregg declared himself 'gobsmacked.' There was also Emma who made a lemon tart which Gregg thought was 'a pretty looking thing' (at least, I think he was talking about the food, with yer man Wallace it's often hard to tell), Ross and his pan friend sea bream with ratatouille and the madly over-enthusiastic quantum physics student Aki (why wasn't she watching Brian Cox on the other side, one wonders?) who left her Japanese roots behind to cook a fig and orange jam trifle with brandy syrup. The judges commented on her messy bench and how messy it was in its messiness. 'You haven't seen my room' she answered back, cheekily. 'And, I'm probably not going to,' confirmed John, to which we all breathed a sigh of relief. All of those made it through - although in Emma's case it was only by the skin of her teeth. Rejected from this round were Alec the engineer who looked so nervous that he appeared in danger of shatting in his own pants at one point. He cooked a nice-looking pan friend rump steak with a port and wild mushroom sauce and then burst into tears when presenting it to John and Gregg. Christine also went. You feared for her when she announced that her dish was to be 'pan fried plaice ... at least, I hope it's plaice.' It wasn't, it was sole. It was also dry and overcooked. So she got sent packing, too.

The six contestants who'd survived that then went off to two professional kitchens. In the case of three of them, who got parcelled off to the Gilgamesh in Camden under the hawk-line eye of the fantastically rude head chef Ian Pengelly, it was to be a very torrid time. Aki had a proper disaster, starting with having to be told to wash her hands ('you're a grown woman!' bellowed Pengelly, instantly making five million viewers think 'Christ, I'm never going to eat there, he might shout at me like that'). She then madly rushed around the gaff like someone with their arse on fire. Big sweaty Eamonn and equally sweaty Ross both also had a bit of a 'mare too and probably felt like crying for their mummy after such treatment. By contrast, the other three had it relatively easy. Then it was back to MasterChef HQ for the one more round. Shelina cooked a pan-fried yellow tail snapper with delicate drops of coconut curry. 'Rich and vibrant,' said John although he then feigned anger because she didn't put enough curry on the plate. Tom - the emerging star of the episode so far - showed a first sign of weakness when presenting spicy salmon fillet with avocado mousse. But, he failed to deliver all of the flavours that he'd promised due to timing issues. Nevertheless, as Gregg noted, 'we don't need safe cooks, we need daring cooks and that's what Tom is.' Aki presented the best dish of the round, a bento box containing tempura fried beef, udon noodles and various very nice-looking side dishes. 'You could sleep in it,' said an impressed Wallace. I dunno though, she's clearly very talented but, as a viewer, I have a feeling her hyperactive bouncing around the studio is going to wear very thin very soon. Hope I'm wrong and she calms down a bit because she's got enthusiasm to burn. All three of those went though, no problem. In theory two of the remaining three contestants should have been leaving at this point. Ross cooked cannon of lamb with pickled Asian pear and sweetbreads. The general consensus was that it was, you know, all right. If perhaps a bit overcomplicated. Still Ross was in with a chance of staying in the competition until he said the one line that you don't want to hear from any MasterChef wannabe. 'I want to live the dream.' Oh God. Send him home now, guys. Ideally, whilst chasing him down the road with a meat cleaver. 'I can't go home,' he said. He went home. Eamonn's dish of pan fried Lincolnshire red beef, bone marrow dumpling and red wine sauce seemed okay-but-nothing-amazing whilst Emma's seared scallops with a cumin froth and a caramel dressing split the judges down the middle (Gregg liked it, John didn't). In the end, perhaps fortunately, both were put through with the kind of rule-bending that MasterChef specialises in. And, thank God for that, frankly. It's back and it's still brilliantly entertaining.

The new series of MasterChef helped BBC1 to convincingly dominate the Tuesday overnight primetime ratings on yet another really bad night for ITV. The cooking show was watched by 4.75m in the 9pm hour, beating ITV's watch-word for vile, ignorant, crass, horrible lowest-common-denominator rubbish The Biggest Loser in the same timeslot which got 2.16m. ITV actually finished fourth in the nine o'clock hour beaten not only by BBC1 but also by BBC2's Stargazing Live: Back To Earth (2.53m) and Channel Four's Fifteen Kids and Counting (2.89m). Does the soul a bit of good that statistic, does it not? Will Comical James MacLeod be rushing onto Twitter to big up The Biggest Loser this morning? One rather doubts it. Earlier in the night, BBC1's Holby City was watched by 5.43m. On ITV, River Monster took 2.61m from 7.30pm, odious Matt Awright's game show, The Exit List followed with a risibly poor 2.02m. As my mate Cameron noted on the Gallifrey Base forum on Wednesday morning, 'The Biggest Loser and The Exit List are dream titles for people writing ratings stories. It's Punapalooza!' Stargazing Live continued to perform hugely impressively for BBC2. The 8pm episode averaged a whopping 3.26m. The latest Hairy Bikers' Best of British had 1.97m and 9.30pm's Horizon got 1.62m. Channel Four's Shameless earned 1.63m in the 10pm hour. BBC1 came out as the clear winner in primetime, earning a 23.8 per cent audience share. ITV ended up with a very poor 11.7 per cent only just ahead of BBC2's 9.8 per cent.

A controversial article in The Times which exposed an anonymous police blogger called Nightjack was actually based on material obtained by hacking an e-mail, it emerged yesterday at the Leveson inquiry. James Harding, who was appointed editor of The Times in 2007, told the inquiry into press ethics and standards that the News International paper has 'never used or commissioned anyone who used computer-hacking to source stories.' However, he admitted that a reporter was given a written warning for accessing a Hotmail e-mail account, believed to be for the story on Nightjack. In his written statement, Harding said: 'There was an incident where the newsroom was concerned that a reporter had gained unauthorised access to an e-mail account. When it was brought to my attention, the journalist faced disciplinary action. The reporter believed he was seeking to gain information in the public interest but we took the view he had fallen short of what was expected of a Times journalist. He was issued with a formal written warning for professional misconduct.' According to the Gruniad Morning Star, alleged 'sources' within The Times say that the reporter was graduate trainee Patrick Foster, who had correctly guessed answers to security questions for the anonymous Hotmail account operated by Lancashire police detective Richard Horton. Horton's blog won the prestigious Orwell prize for revealing details of the life of a serving policeman, but was closed down after he was 'outed' by The Times in a June 2009 article. Harding's statement did not disclose the identity of the hacker or confirm that it had led to the publishing of the article, which claimed Foster had 'deduced' the identity of Nightjack. Also at the Leveson inquiry, News International chief executive Tom Mockridge said that Foster had subsequently been 'dismissed following an unrelated incident.' The reporter, who is thought to have denied the unauthorised access, has since written freelance articles for the Gruniad and the Daily Torygraph. Elsewhere at the inquiry, Ian Hislop criticised the cosy relationship between Rupert Murdoch's newspapers and politicians, along with the police, saying: 'There are reasons [the Murdoch-owned] News International thought it could get away with whatever it liked. The Murdoch family was deeply embedded in our political top class.' However, he said that new laws specifically to govern the press were not needed because practices such as phone hacking and bribing police officers already contravene existing laws. Instead, he called on the inquiry to ask why police and senior politicians were reluctant to uphold the law and stop newspapers from acting in such a way.

One final thought on Ian Hislop's impressive performance (and it was a performance) at the Leveson inquiry on Tuesday. Did he really have to turn up to the gig dressed like an extra from The Godfather?

'Don Vito Hislop. You show me no respect...'

Karen Gillan has revealed that her Doctor Who co-star Matt Smith gave her advice on her new role. The actress will play supermodel Jean Shrimpton in one-off BBC4 drama We'll Take Manhattan. 'I did speak to him about it,' she told TV Choice. 'Mainly [we talked] about what it would be like doing something different from Doctor Who, because I'd forgotten what that's like! He just said to really savour the experience, because it would be so different. I want to do jobs that I really care about rather than just going to work for the sake of it.' Gillan added that deciding to play Shrimpton was 'a no-brainer. I am really interested in that period of the sixties, when the whole youth thing was so powerful, and fashion was just lovely,' she explained.

'The whole feel of this drama is that it's all about the mischief that [David] Bailey and Shrimpton got up to, and I hope people will think, "That looks really fun."' We'll Take Manhattan marks Gillan's first TV role since joining Doctor Who as Amy Pond in 2010. Her co-star Smith has appeared in a number of projects outside of the popular long-running family SF drama, including BBC2's Christopher and His Kind and forthcoming Olympic drama Bert and Dickie.

The tweet of the year so far, by is distance, comes from yer actual John Simm, and is on the subject of his - in this blogger's opinion - rather impressive appearances in Doctor Who as The Master. Seems not everyone shares this view and, due to the anonymous nature of social media, aren't shy about telling John this whilst safe at the cowardly distance of their own computer: 'For those grown ups ANGRY about how the Master was written/portrayed, please don't tell me, tell someone who gives a fuck!' wrote John. It is nice to see somebody in the TV industry for once developing a solid backbone and a very low tolerance threshold for arseholes. We need more of that, frankly.

And, still on the subject of Doctor Who, bloody weirdo Noel Fielding has admitted that he is keen to appear in Doctor Who. The comedian, allegedly very popular (with students) although I've yet to meet anyone who finds him funny praised the BBC's long-running SF family drama in an interview with the Radio Times. 'I wouldn't mind being on Doctor Who,' Fielding revealed. 'I like the guy who does it at the moment and I thought David Tennant was amazing.' He joked: 'Next [time] I think we need an androgynous, slightly dippy Doctor who gets everything wrong.' At least, one assumes he was joking. Bill Bailey - Fielding's predecessor on BBC2 panel quiz Never Mind the Buzzcocks - played a minor role in the recent Doctor Who Christmas special. Meanwhile, frumpy waste-of-space daytime TV presenter Fern Britton recently admitted her dislike for Doctor Who while filming an episode of the revamped Room 101 describing the show as 'dreary.' Which, coming from Fern Britton is, frankly, fucking hilarious. Next -

Audience Appreciation Index scores for the three series two episodes of Sherlock were eighty eight for A Scandal in Belgravia, eighty nine for The Hounds of Baskerville and a amazing ninety one for The Reichenbach Fall. 'Average' AI scores are around the top seventies, anything above that is good. Anything above eighty five is very good and above ninety is 'exceptional.'

Meanwhile, Sherlock co-creator The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He) has hinted that fans have missed a vital clue from the show's second series finale. The Reichenbach Fall, of course, as we all know saw Sherlock apparently plummet to his very ker-splatty death from the roof of St Bart's, only for the character to later reappear seemingly unharmed in a graveyard. 'I've been online and looked at all the theories,' Moffat told the Radio Times. 'And there's one clue that everyone's missed.' He added: 'It's something that Sherlock did that was very out of character, but which nobody has picked up on.' Which caused five million people to immediately go scurrying onto iPlayer to try and work out what it was! Moffat and series co-creator Mark Gatiss have confirmed that Sherlock will return for a third series, indicating that they - and the BBC - have no plans to end the hit detective drama anytime soon. 'We love doing this, this is brilliant fun so [we'll keep going] as long as we can keep Benedict and Martin coming back,' said the writer.

Sir David Attenborough has said that fellow popular scientist Brian Cox is cleverer than him. The naturalist and broadcaster told The Big Issue that physics is a much more difficult discipline than his own nature broadcasting. 'He's much cleverer than I am,' Attenborough said of Foxy Coxy. 'I stand with my jaw slacking at the imagination that goes into particle physics. What I do is very easy compared to with what he does.' Attenborough and the producers of the BBC's Frozen Planet were last month criticised for inserting images of baby polar bears being born in a zoo in Germany into the programme. 'If you had tried to put a camera in the wild of a polar bear den, mother den, she would have either have killed the cub, or she would have killed the cameraman,' Attenborough later explained on ITV's This Morning. Of criticism the BBC receives, Attenborough added to The Big Issue: 'The BBC is the greatest broadcaster in the world. It's got lots of imperfections; it's got up times and down times, but it is the only really true public service broadcaster in the world. Television is the most powerful medium we have and it ought to be in the service of the public. It can do more than just make money.'

The acclaimed TV historian Simon Schama - yer actual Keith Telly Topping is a big fan - has launched what's been described in the tabloids as 'a scathing attack' on Downton Abbey, accusing it of improbable storylines and historical inaccuracies. Well, he'd certainly know about the latter. Criticising the show's popularity in the US, he accused it of 'cultural necrophilia' and of pandering to 'cliches' about British stately homes. 'Downton serves up a steaming, silvered tureen of snobbery,' he wrote in The New Statesman. Creator Lord Snooty Julian Fellowes has previously defended the drama against such claims. Usually snootily and on at least one occasion accusing those of making such claims of being 'lefties' despite the fact that most of them appeared in the latters pages of those two great bastions of socialism, the Daily Torygraph and the Daily Scum Mail. Responding to people who accused the show of using anachronistic language and etiquette, Fellowes also said 'the programme is pretty accurate. The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge,' he added. Not really something one can accuse Simon Schama of, though, Lord Snooty. Elvis Costello lookalike Simon, who is professor of history at Columbia University, also criticised the show's use of 'stock characters' such as stoic butler Carson and Dame Maggie Smith's overbearing matriarch, Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham. 'The series is fabulously frocked, and acted, and overacted, and hyper-overacted by all the Usual Suspects in keeping with their allotted roles,' he wrote. 'All the main plot lines were anticipated a long time ago by Upstairs, Downstairs.' Schama also took Fellowes to task over his portrayal of World War I in the most recent series. 'The abbey's conversion into convalescent quarters did indeed happen in some of the [stately homes],' he wrote. 'But if Fellowes were really interested in the true drama the story on our TV would be quite different. Instead of being an occasional suffragette, Sibyl would have turned into a full-on militant. Lord Robert, whose income from land and rents would have collapsed with the long agricultural depression, would be unable to service his mortgage.' His criticisms were targeted at the US, where the second series is currently showing. But the historian's description of the 'American craving for the British country house' is reflected in US TV ratings. Producer Gareth Neame defended the programme, saying it was not intended to be an historical documentary. 'Downton is a fictional drama,' he said. 'It is not a history programme, but a drama of social satire about a time when relationships, behaviour and hierarchy were very different from those we enjoy today. As with any popular TV drama series, [it] offers an alternative to our own life experience.'

Miranda Hart has claimed that she is more of a comedy actress than a stand-up. The Miranda star, who made her name in character-based stand-up, hopes that Call The Midwife viewers will appreciate her performance as Chummy. She told the Radio Times: 'It's hard to know whether people will think "oh, it's just me." Because being on panel shows, you are seen as yourself. But I hope people will see that what I have done with Chummy is different, and go with it. And my background is comedy acting. I see myself more as a comedy actress than a stand-up,' Hart added. 'Playing 'Miranda' is playing a role.'

Tracy-Ann Oberman has signed up for a role in the second series of ITV's medical drama Monroe. The show, which stars James Nesbitt and Sarah Parish, was renewed by the broadcaster last July. Oberman has now been contracted to play the new nurse specialist Lizzie Clapham, who looks after the patients' emotional care. Drop the Dead Donkey and Between the Lines star Neil Pearson has also joined the cast as head of Clinical Services and Monroe's manager Alistair Gillespie, while Five Daughters actress Lisa Millet will play 'acerbic' nurse Jill McHeath. The new series of Monroe is expected to pick up approximately eighteen months after the first, with Monroe facing challenges from his ex-wife and son. Bremner and Shepherd (Tom Riley) are dealing with an 'unplanned development' which could affect their careers and their relationship, while Monroe's trainees Daniel (Luke Allen-Gale) and Kitty (Michelle Asante) are fighting for the role of registrar. The first episode will also feature guest appearances from Jody Latham and Julia Haworth as Paul and Julie, who turn to Monroe for help after Paul is refused surgery for a dangerous neurological condition. The show's producers Michele Buck and Damien Timmer said: 'We were thrilled with the success of Monroe series one, and Peter [Bowker]'s scripts for this new run deliver yet more drama, wit and emotion, and we're opening up St Matthew's hospital in all sorts of ways. Our brilliant ensemble is even stronger than before, and at the centre is James Nesbitt's extraordinary performance as Gabriel Monroe.'

Odious gnomish Tory, Andrew Lloyd Webber is, reportedly, searching for Jesus. Which comes as a considerable surprise to those of us who believed the deranged cult-leader and megalomaniac dwarf simply looked in the mirror in his search for divinity. His Lordship, having, seemingly, put The Shoetree of despair into the cupboard never to be seen again after the massive flop of his last BBC show, Over The Rainbow has now taken his dubious talents, such as they are, to ITV and is to search for the lead role for a touring production of Jesus Christ Superstar. Superstar, which was first rumoured earlier this month, will see the composer and a team of judges look for a new talent to play the character of Jesus in an upcoming arena tour of the rock opera which made his name. The public will ultimately decide who takes on the starring role in the musical. Lloyd Webber said: 'Presenting a new 2012 version of Jesus Christ Superstar for arenas is truly exciting. Some of the best performances of this show have been in rock venues and I'm thrilled to see the show return to its roots. ITV is providing the perfect platform for us to find a new British Superstar.' The sixty three-year-old had previously been involved in BBC musical competitions the moderately successful How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? and Any Dream Will Do, the nothing-special I'd Do Anything and the colossal ratings flop Over the Rainbow. 'It is the public who lead the casting process and they've got it absolutely right four times already,' he added. 'It's been wonderful to see the careers of so many of the contestants blossom, so it will be especially fascinating to see who the public chooses as their Superstar.' Auditions will take place between February and March in London, Dublin, Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow and Cardiff, with the most promising applicants going forward to the live shows.

Chris Addison has said that people are 'too old' for Skins once they are in their twenties. The comedian, who plays Professor David Blood in the E4 show, told Metro that fans of the first series may well have moved on from the drama. Asked if the show gives the youth of Britain a bad name, Addison said: 'Not particularly, it's just a drama show. Once you're in your twenties, Skins isn't for you anymore. This is the sixth series, so there must be people who were eighteen when it first came out who are twenty four now, who might feel they're too old for it.' He added: 'If you're older than that you can look at it and feel a mix of jealousy, lust and fear. It's brilliant, though. I love it because it's much more alive than a lot of British TV drama.' Freya Mavor, who plays Mini in the current series, said last year that it was 'amazing' to work with Addison and that he was 'like one of us' on the set of the show.

Scots author Ian Rankin has called for tax incentives to support new writers, it has been reported. The Rebus author told the Gruniad Morning Star that the UK should adopt a scheme similar to one employed in Ireland. Under the Irish scheme, the first forty thousand Euros (about thirty three thousand quid) of annual income earned by writers, composers or visual artists from the sale of their work is exempt from tax. Or, you could just do what this blogger often does, not earn enough to reach the lower earnings threshold. I'm not fishing for sympathy, dear blog reader. Well, no, actually I am but that's not important right now. Rankin argued the tax break would help give new writers a start. He suggested a solution is needed for today's industry, where publishers are less willing to take risks and invest in new talent. 'It's easier than ever to get your stuff seen by people, but it's harder than ever to make a living from it,' he said. Tell me about it. 'Look at the money that publishers are paying for new writers - less than they paid twenty years ago. They know first novels don't sell many copies and, if writers decide to sidestep the traditional publishing route and sell their stuff by themselves online, they're having to sell it for virtually nothing - ninety nine pence.' Rankin was speaking ahead of the First Fictions festival in Sussex, which celebrates and champions first novels, past and present. A spokeswoman for the Treasury told the BBC the author's suggestion would be unworkable at present. 'Any new relief adds complexity to the tax system and could come at considerable cost to the Exchequer at a time when the government's priority is rebalancing the economy,' she said. 'The government is working to make the tax system simpler to understand, and as part of this work has been engaged in an exercise to remove reliefs from the system.' So, that'd be a 'no' then?

Marg Helgenberger has said that the timing is right for her to leave CSI. The actress has played lap-dancer-turned-investigator Catherine Willows for nearly twelve years, but will exit the CBS crime drama later this month. Helgenberger appeared on CBS This Morning on Tuesday and revealed that she wants to pursue new career challenges. 'I felt the need to kind of step back, because I had been playing this character for eleven and a half years, to reassess and regroup and - as scary as that is - I'm also very excited about the great wide open, the future and all the possibilities,' the actress told hosts Gayle King and Charlie Rose. Helgenberger also said that she is planning to watch her character Catherine Willows's CSI farewell when it is broadcast on Wednesday 25 January. 'I will watch the last episode. Whether I want to see it by myself or with a group of people, I'm not really sure because I know there will be some tears,' she commented.

Top Gear producers have responded to the recent criticism over its India special. The programme, which was broadcast on 28 December, was criticised by 'some viewers' for playing on Indian stereotypes, with presenters Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond joking about food, illness and trains. Egged on by a campaign with a thick and insidious agenda smeared all over it from the Gruniad Morning Star, the Indian High Commission later described the episode as 'offensive' and 'tasteless' in an open letter to BBC director general Mark Thompson. Why they didn't bother to buy a stamp and make it a closed letter, only they can answer. Producers have now responded that the special's jokes were at the expense of its presenters rather than India itself, saying that it was 'filled with incidents but none of them were an insult to the Indian people or the culture of the country.' A statement from the BBC read: 'Our film showed the charm, the beauty, the wealth, the poverty and the idiosyncrasies of India, but there's a vast difference between showing a country, warts and all, and insulting it. It's simply not the case that we displayed a hostile or superior attitude to our hosts and that's very clear from the way the presenters can be seen to interact with them along the way. We genuinely loved our time in India and if there were any jokes to be had they were, as ever, reflected back on the presenters rather than the Indian people.'

ITV has partnered with some of Bauer Media's biggest magazine brands for a new ITV2 series which promises to be The Apprentice for journalists. The Exclusives, produced by Educating Essex maker Twofour, is a new reality TV series set in the 'fast-paced and competitive world of magazine publishing.' The show will feature six young journalists competing in a series of challenges to win a twelve-month contract with Bauer Media, working on titles such as Heat, FHM, Closer, More, Kerrang and Empire. Each trainee will refine their skills under the tuition of staff at the magazines, including coaching on how to cover major events, interview stars, organise photoshoots and write articles that connect with readers. Whether the series will include a special phone-hacking challenge or the winner will be the first one to successfully bribe a police officer, the programme-makers don't say. Probably not, I'm guessing. ITV's director of digital channels and acquisitions Angela Jain, who commissioned The Exclusives, said: 'We're very excited about The Exclusives and we're grateful to Bauer Media for allowing unparalleled access to their biggest and best magazines and for providing a fantastic role at the end of the process for one lucky candidate. Twofour have great experience in making engaging and must-watch multi-platform TV shows and we're confident that this seven-part series will prove to be a real hit for our ITV2 audience.'

Sky Sports have signed up ex-Formula 1 World Champion Damon Hill to join its team to cover the motorsport on the new Sky Sports F1 channel. Hill, who competed in F1 between 1992 and 1999, will provide expert analysis on Sky Sports F1 as part of Sky's deal to show the motorsport from 2012 to 2018 along with with the BBC. Hill, who previously appeared on ITV's F1 coverage in 2007 and 2008, said that the chance to join Sky Sports F1 was too good to miss. 'The plans Sky Sports have for Formula 1 are very impressive, particularly the dedicated Formula 1 channel and I couldn't resist becoming involved,' he said.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United have completed the signing of striker Papiss Cissé from SC Freiburg on a five-and-a-half-year contract. The Senegal international has signed for an undisclosed fee and will wear the iconic number nine shirt at St James' Park. Cissé, aged twenty six, is currently on duty with his national side ahead of their imminent Africa Cup of Nations campaign, but flew to Tyneside on Tuesday to put pen to paper on the deal. The forward began his career with AS Douanes, in Dakar, and went on to have prolific spells at French clubs Metz, Cherbourg and Chateauroux. In December 2009, he switched to German outfit SC Freiburg, where he struck thirty seven goals in just sixty five appearances. Cissé scored for Senegal in their final Africa Cup of Nations warm-up match on Sunday - a 1-0 win over Kenya - and that was his ninth goal from thirteen internationals caps.

'I would like to thank everybody for their welcome, and for inviting me to sign for the Club,' said Cissé. 'It is an honour to play for such a big club and I am looking forward to it. I want to pay back the confidence the Club have shown in me, and give the supporters something to be proud of. I am aware of the huge importance of the number nine shirt, and when I spoke with the manager he made it very clear how important this shirt is. I will treat it with the respect and I hope to do my very best in this shirt.' Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew said: 'Ever since Andy Carroll left, Papiss was my first choice in the specific role he has at the end of the play. He is a finisher with an already-established CV in the Bundesliga, where we have monitored him for the best part of two years. Unfortunately he was out of reach, financially, for us in the summer, but it recently became apparent that Derek Llambias and Lee Charnley could do the deal in this window. I spoke to Demba [Ba] about Papiss, and he cannot wait to join up with his teammate in Newcastle. In the short-term, of course, he is at the Africa Cup of Nations, but the competition he will bring to our squad when he joins up with us should inspire the players and reassure them of this Club's ambition.'

A cinema in Liverpool has confirmed that it refunded an unspecified number of moviegoers who claimed to be 'disappointed' to discover that The Artist has almost no dialogue. The critically acclaimed silent film, which picked up a number of Golden Globe wins and is tipped to do the same at the Oscars, is set at the end of the silent movie era and is almost entirely dialogue-free. Nicola Shearer told the Daily Torygraph that she was asked on entry to Odeon Liverpool One if she knew that the film was silent. 'Of course I knew it was and I asked the usher why she wanted to know,' Nicola said. 'She then told me some people complained and asked for refunds because there is no sound and the screen is smaller. I thought it was really funny and laughed.' Despite initially denying that any complaints of this nature had been made, an Odeon spokesperson later came clean and confessed: 'Odeon Liverpool One can confirm it has issued a small number of refunds to guests who were unaware that The Artist was a silent film. The cinema is happy to offer guests a refund on their film choice if they raise concern with a member of staff within ten minutes of the film starting.'

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, which, today features one for all you delinquent Teds out there to slash some cinema seats to. Let it rip, Chuck. And once again, let us marvel at the universally accepted fact that white kids, bless 'em, just can't dance!