![That Was The Year That Was!](http://web.archive.org./web/20120102224326im_/http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_J9m0r9H4Vhg/TQE80qOTqyI/AAAAAAAAAqw/fT8zND6cCt4/s1600/year-2011.jpg)
At this cursed time of the year there are many customs, traditions and obligations that many of us follow. We all dread receiving that Xmas card that means that we have to send them one. We eat vast amounts of food that we would never touch at any other time of the year. And we drink Egg Nog, Warniks Advocaat or Gods Awful Baileys Irish Cream. This is also the time of the year when we are treated to that most lazy form of journalism - The Review of the Year. Well, here at Choler Towers, we like to do things a wee bit different. So here’s my review of stuff that didn’t happen in 2011, plus (and at no extra cost) a few predictions for the new year to come:
JANUARY
Nothing happened. No really, nothing happened at all. Until, that is, I published my first blog post - and then the ordure really hit the ventilation system.
FEBRUARY
I published a new post every five or six minutes (where did I get the energy from). The Arab Spring was already in full swing and ConDem Nation apologised on behalf on themselves and previous British governments for helping to arm various wealthy North African dictators. Cameron said in parliament, ‘I don’t know why we all did it. The repression was fairly obvious and yet we continued to sell arms to these rotters. But we promise never to do so again in the future, and we’ll do our best to support the advance of true democracy in this part of the world’. Later in the month parliament debated a bill to phase out the UK’s arms industry, with those employed in it receiving the necessary support to transfer their skills to other industries.
The leader of the Labour Party, Ed Milliband, was busy touring the country making certain he was seen at
every protest at ConDem Nation’s cuts, placing himself and his party at the front of the struggle against those cuts.
The regime in Egypt fell and the army pledged to take no part in the governance of the country, and instead promised to fully support a new civilian regime and to protect Egyptian worker’s rights.
Julian Assange‘s lawyers announced that he would be returning immediately to Sweden to face his accusers and protest his innocence at trial.
MARCH
Nick Clegg first began to express his doubts about the coalition. He had led the Liberal Democrats into
government, he said, ‘not for the faint glimmer of political power. But for the good and stability of the country as a whole’. However he expressed his fears that both himself, and his party, were beginning to lose their identity.
The Brazilian government took decisive action to end violence and murder against Brazilian homosexuals and transsexuals.
The TUC March for the Alternative took place in London and the media attention focussed upon the fact that between a quarter and a half a million people protested ConDem Nation’s program of damaging cuts. And not upon some rather petty acts of (understandable) vandalism.
George Osborne announced his budget and, surprisingly, put forward the following policies as a way of getting the country out of its economic difficulties:
- the regeneration of the UK’s manufacturing base would be regarded as the main priority for the government.
- our taxation system would undergo a thorough review, and corporate tax avoidance and evasion would be targeted.
- the minimum wage would be raised, thus providing a quick boost to local economies.
- ConDem Nation’s planned cuts would be halted as the best way to prevent a double-dip recession.
APRIL
The French government made it clear that, despite the secular nature of France, its people have every right
to dress as they wished - particularly when they considered such garb to be a necessary part of their faith or culture. Sarkozy himself said ‘It’s absurd to image, in a mature and sophisticated democracy, that we can free Muslim women by threatening them with arrest’.
In April two marvellous and highly productive members of society got married and the whole nation did rejoice. We here at Choler Towers were so excited that we devoted a series of blog posts to the happy couple and the happy day – including a highly popular one by the terribly fashion-conscious and glamorous Harpy.
MAY
Many people voted for their local councils, and a referendum was held as to a possible new voting system. Due to the dynamic and campaigning leadership of the Labour Party, and its ever visible leader Ed Milliband,
Labour did far better than anyone could possibly imagine – and especially so in Scotland. The referendum gave people a wide range of options as to a future system and a strict system of Proportional Representation was chosen, after an intelligent and thoughtful campaign was fought on all sides. No longer would we have a situation where a preference towards the smaller parties would be a waste of time for voters. And, as for the major parties, PR would mean that a vote for Labour in deepest Surrey would be just as important as a Conservative vote in Glasgow East. In choosing PR the people opted for a system which really counts every vote, with every vote counting.
JUNE
The Liberal Vince Cable gave a speech wherein he pledged his continued support for basic trade union rights as one of the most important bulwarks of a democratic society. When it was pointed out to him that
this position was somewhat in contradiction to his leading role in ConDem Nation he said ‘Oh yes, I’d never thought of that before…thank you very much for pointing this out to me. I shall, of course, immediately resign from the cabinet and take some time to reflect upon my political future’.
June also saw myself reaching out to ConDem Nation with helpful hints and sage advice. I suggested to dear, darling David that he replace that utter waste of space Andrew Lansley as numero uno in the NHS with a more dynamic figure: Dr Hawley Harvey Crippen, Dr Walter Freeman (famous for his ice-pick lobotomies) or Dr Harold Shipman. Sadly none of my suggestions were alive enough to be possible candidates.
Later that same month I suggested that ConDem Nation solve its pensions crisis by simply euthanising public sector workers when they reach the age of 80. And this time the government agreed to my advice, although they reduced the age to 75.
JULY
In July I took my first glance across the pond to the race to become the Republican Party’s candidate to stand against Barack Obama in next year’s US presidential election. This was somewhat of an odd post in that it turned into a tirade about the awfulness that is the Book of Leviticus. A later post on the race led me to throw my, not inconsiderable, weight behind either a Sarah Palin/Glenn Beck Republican ticket, or Michele Bachmann/David Duke.
Whilst I was busy obsessing about far-right US politics the rest of the country was more interested in the Hackgate scandal at the News of the World. Following a thorough enquiry Rupert and James Murdoch were sentenced to 7 years in prison each; and the British print media emerged stronger than ever – combining principal with investigatory courage.
AUGUST
Riots in many parts of the country led to a thoughtful national debate as to their possible cause. Although
many theories were put forward a general sense that the violence had an economic basis emerged. Particularly given the rise in youth unemployment and youth homelessness that have been one of the features of 2011. ConDem Nation snapped into action and began to look into ways that youth could be brought back into society via employment, training or education.
The calm and considered nature of the post-riot debate was helped by Kent Tory Councillor Bob Frost who didn’t describe the rioters as ‘jungle bunnies’. And whose contact details are not available by clicking on his name.
SEPTEMBER
A quiet month in Choler Towers (I may possibly have overdone the port), but I did publish a piece from an old Oxford chum of mine, the Huffington Post (and now Guardian) blogger, Kate Harrad. Kate wrote Fat, Stale and Unprofitable? And this has been, easily, the most read blog post published on these virtual pages.
OCTOBER
Trying, once again, to reach out to our lords and masters in ConDem nation I published a modest proposal to deal with child poverty and youth unemployment. And this time I’m pleased to report that
the government snapped into action and followed my proposals. I am pleased to announce that there is no longer a waiting list for organ transplants (always assuming that you have the money to pay for them). And our nation’s street corners are buzzing with attractive teenagers eager to join the cash economy.
October also saw the Occupy Things movement establish itself in the mighty metropolis with hordes of anarchist undead blood-suckers despoiling one of London’s least interesting tourist traps attractions.
And in America the Republican Party continued to demonstrate that there were no depths to which they’d sink in order to provide me with cheap laughs. But help would soon be on its way…
NOVEMBER
…and it was to come in the shapely shape of my virtual Republican Martha Gomez. She is beautiful, ticks all the right demographic boxes, is free of any past scandal and is exactly as right-wing as you want her to
be. So it’s not at all surprising that the High Command of the Republican Party (located, surprisingly, in a highly fortified bunker deep beneath Bavaria) immediately chose her as their candidate to stand against the (in their words) ‘muslim, atheist, commie-fascist, faggot-enabler and probable despoiler of white women Barack Obama’.
November saw the sad news that Europe’s most respected politician, Silvio Berlusconi, resigned as the Italian premier. A nation wept when this model of personal probity and high political principal left office in the greater interests of Italy. We here at Choler Towers will miss his financial corruption, his bunga bunga parties and his cosying up to fascism – Silvio was a great servant to the European Left.
In domestic politics no one at all went on strike on the 30th in defence of their pension rights. This damp squib proved conclusively that the organised working class in this country, and their allies, have lost the will to fight. And we can confidently predict that the Conservative millennium has begun.
DECEMBER
It’s the 27th and Christmas is already a dim and distant memory (largely due to the several cases of port that I’ve drunk in the last few days). And it’s time to dust off old Granny Choler’s crystal ball and peer into 2012.
Choler confidently predicts (that the following won’t happen):
- Nick Clegg will appear live on television and apologise profusely for all he’s done since the general election. He will apologise to Lib-Dem voters and most especially to the country’s students for his lies and self-serving hypocracy…and then he will ritually disembowel himself with a plastic spork.
- Margaret Hilda Thatcher will finally, fucking DIE!
- Ed Milliband will suddenly come to the realisation that the two key duties of a leader of the opposition are to provide LEADERSHIP, and to OPPOSE the evil shit that our government has in store for us. And finally,
- that the Great and Terrible Choler will mellow and give our rulers an easier time of it than in 2011.
![The Shape Of Things To Come!](http://web.archive.org./web/20120102224326im_/http://reezluv.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/2012-trailer3-e1318751275555.jpg)