Quentin Letts killed by a woodchipper
Quentin Letts wishes for John Prescott to die. As he is completely entitled to do. If I were one of the spectral ‘Humourless Left’, that tedious strawman wheeled out by the Unimaginative Right at these times, I would object, but I don’t. Quentin Letts is perfectly entitled to imagine Prescott dying or committing acts of violence, just as Bill Hicks – a slightly superior comic mind – told people who worked in advertising to kill themselves.
Similarly, I am entitled to imagine a happy world in which Quentin Letts falls feet-first into a woodchipper, where his screams of pain are mistaken for cries for attention. “Oh here we go,” says a passer-by as Letts’s shins splatter all over his front garden, “he’s trying to get people to go and look at him again. Well I’m not giving him the satisfaction.”
“No no,” wails Letts over the buzz of machinery, his knees splintering, “I’m actually being chewed up and killed by this woodchipper.”
“Yeah yeah,” tuts his next-door neighbour, hurrying inside. “Just like when you wrote that column about John Prescott, hoping that you’d get lots of outraged attention from it. Not falling for it this time, Quentin.”
"No, this isn't a joke," whimpers Letts, "this is....AAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHH".
See, is funny, no?
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December 29th, 2011 - 12:53
So people don’t have to click through to the article and give Dacre an extra digit:
“John Prescott — to retire to a small shed with a box of matches and to wait an hour for the methane levels to accrue. At the first flare of flame, Ka-BOOOOOOM!”
Oh I get it haha it’s because Prescott’s fat and presumably farts, hah. That’s a funny mental image, Quentin. Excellent. The woodchipper will be sending you straight to see Peter Cook so he can congratulate you.
December 29th, 2011 - 12:58
“Classic FM station bosses — fewer Northern accents, if possible, please, on your airwaves.”
Ohohoho Northerners are unpleasant to listen to. Hah! He truly is a “peerless sketchwriter”.
“Sir Ian McKellen — to buy a box of pins with which, daily, to prick his balloon of self-esteem.”
Ooooh, Quentin Letts there. Quentin Letts. Having a go at someone’s ego. Quentin Letts. Quentin. Letts.
“Ben Bradshaw, Labour MP and Nigel Havers lookalike — not to stare quite so intently. His gaze when Hugh Grant gave evidence to the Select Committee on Privacy and Injunctions was positively laser-like.”
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xjngx4SPPPM/TZchkK61qUI/AAAAAAAAECg/_HBgM7WQ4FM/s1600/letts49202405_jex_814860_de27-1.jpg
December 29th, 2011 - 13:57
Just a funny joke, like those on Top Gear.
December 29th, 2011 - 14:34
Perhaps if you stopped reading the Daily Mail you would be more relaxed and content. You do, of course, run the risk of catching cancer from your cornflakes out of ignorance, but a slow agonising death is a price worth paying to avoid their shite.
December 29th, 2011 - 14:38
Who is/was Quentin Letts?
December 29th, 2011 - 14:57
These days, a theatre critic, parliamentary sketchwriter, and a cunt.
December 29th, 2011 - 14:40
Everybody heard him, the Letts man,
As machinery was groaning:
He was much further right than you thought
And not waving but being chewed to death by garden machinery oh! Callooh callay! what joy!.
I have always loved that poem.
December 30th, 2011 - 02:16
there are indeed cunts aplenty in fleet st. (as was)
December 30th, 2011 - 02:25
whoops… just joined. anyway it looks like qunt has made a serious faux pas here. prescott has called him out. if qunt accepts he’ll need to justify the remark ‘on camera’. tough call, that -given he spends much of his time sniping and bitching from the safety of a laptop.
oh, and you’re still a cunt, qunt – regardless of what your mum might have told you.
December 30th, 2011 - 13:59
oh, there he is having a go at robert peston again, for the awful crime of having suffered from a stammer and being on television
January 4th, 2012 - 11:34
How many Letts diaries could someone ram down Quentin’s throat before they start to appear at the other end?
n.b. The human gut is longer than most people think.
Any suggestions about entries in the daily journal? Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask whilst posting.
My suggestion: “Today was shitty.”