Somehow Eric's secret message has been deciphered.

David made the journey from this:

DREES VATEH ODIUO NTYKW
NIEEF KWIYF VDLIV ONHWO
EEWNW SKEAIR NDEDW EWEAE
RLMEL ESTAA HGEVE WLWOD
NRBDI ESEFS CEIEL NRYRR
YISOC EUPIO SDUDY EEMVA
AERKS RPCET U?UL

to the this:

DEAR STEVE,
DO YOU THINK IF WE KNEW FLOYD VIVINO WHENE WE WERE KIDS AND WE WERE THE SAME AGE WE WOULD BE FRIENDS?
SINCERELY YOURS, ERIC
PS: DID YOU EVER MAKE A SCULPTURE?

While incorrect, the submitted guess:

DEAREST STEVE
IF YOUR WIFE FINDS OUT ABOUT OUR MIDNIGHT TRIST SHE WILL KILL BOTH OF US IN OUR SLEEP. ARENT YOU GLAD MEN CANT GET PREGNANT
LOVE
ERIC
WANNA DO IT AGAIN TONIGHT?

...would be humorous if I wasn't so damn manly. Does your sweat have a sperm count? Mine does. (And no, not from ingesting it every chance I get, you jerks.)

Back to David. Last week he thought he was the first to solve the puzzle, then I realized that the comments were getting trapped by the spam filter and he actually was 2nd. In a fairly tale ending, David came roaring back and was the only person to crack the code this week. He will be receiving the grand prize: a drawing of his 5 favorite things by Raisins. (Raisins just finished it and it's epic. I'll post it later in the week. I think David should get to see it first. Plus I'm sitting on the couch drinking a bourbon and I don't feel getting up to take it to the scanner.) I'm kind of fascinated to hear how the hell he figured it out.

Eric, to answer your question: I don't know if Floyd would have been our friend, but given how friendly we are now, I have no doubt you and I could have been friends back then. I don't know if I would have been smart enough for you, but I was a lonely fat kid and you would have felt a lot cooler just by standing in the vicinity of my "husky-sized" jeans.

As far as ever making a sculpture, I never have. Oh, except for that one I made with whipped cream on your chest that night we-- uh, OOPSIE! HA! Ha ha. No, I've never made a sculpture. Nope. Nada, señor. Nada. Heh...

When our genius codecracker, David, isn't wasting his time on The Sneeze, he spends his days as a rockin' artist and illustrator. Check out his stuff right here.

(If you've been struggling to solve this one, an important clue from Eric has been added to the bottom of this post!

Although, reader Ryan now thinks he has found an error since "SKEAIR" is one too many characters. Such drama and intrigue! Waiting to hear back from Eric. Stay tuned. So far his only response has been: "Mebbe so.")

Earlier this week, Eric discretely handed a new coded missive to me. My wife and I haven't solved this one yet, so I honestly have no idea what it says. It could be directions to finding buried treasure, a commentary on life in these troubled times, or (fingers-crossed) the recipe for his delightful peanut butter pie.

Since you guys cracked the last message so fast, he said he made this one a little harder by not including the natural spaces after each word. Warning: I think some of Eric's U's look dangerously like V's - watch out for that.

(For a larger view, click here.)

Please post your guesses in the comments area below. First correct answer as approved by Eric will win an extremely valuable prize. What's that prize you ask? Oh. Umm... okay, how about this? Last week I was in a rotten mood and Raisins made it his mission to cheer me up. He got a pen and an index card and asked me what are 5 things I like. I told him "Robots, giraffes, hummingbirds, sandwiches, and snails."

A couple of minutes later he handed me this. I particularly like how the robot is attacking a city and that he threw in a tree brain, gratis. Also, it's further proof that Eric and my son have the same handwriting.

THE FIRST CORRECT ANSWER WILL RECEIVE A CUSTOM WORK OF ART BY MY SON, RAISINS, DEPICTING 5 THINGS THEY LIKE.

UPDATED: An important message from Eric...

It isn't a substitution cipher! Hint hint! There are two main kinds of code -- substitution and the other one.

-Eric

P.S. It's a transposition cipher!!!!!!!

Good luck! The comment board is open.

Oh no, there's a hole in my socks.

And not just a hole in any socks, but in my good orange and black "LIVE FREE OR DIE" socks that I kind of think give me super powers.

Socks like these are great for when you're boring and low-key like me, but you secretly like knowing that 6% of your body is out there living life like a crazy bastard.

I had gotten them from Draplin Design merchandise store. I emailed with Aaron over there and he broke the bad news that not only are all the socks gone forever, but the place he had make them is even out of business.

I suppose I could always repurpose them as a stylish ascot or bow tie.

Ah, yes. There we go. At my age, there's nothing like a little tasteful sophistication. Jeeves! Bring the Rolls around!

I suppose we could all play Raisinopoly (which, by the way, is real.)

Any thoughts on how we should celebrate? The comment board is open.

Congrats to Nate for very quickly cracking the code in the previous post to reveal the important message:

"DEAR STEVE,
I LIKE NEW BALANCE, TOO.
ERIC"

While incorrect, Karen's guess:

"DEAR STEVE,
I HAVE YOU DOGFOOD.
DOH.
ERIC"

...was infinitely superior to the actual answer.

I had originally congratulated David for figuring it out, but I had forgotten I made the comment spam filter more agressive last week. Then I discovered poor Nate's correct answer trapped in spam limbo. (I think I fixed the problem, so hopefully comments will go through now and not wait for me to approve them.)

As I mentioned at the bottom of the puzzle post, I'm happy to make an exception by generously eating the unbelievable costs and sending both Nate AND David a small box of raisins, autographed by my son, Raisins. (If you guys are reading this, I need a mailing address.)

While I was poking around in the spam filter, I also found a delightful ass-load of comments (you might not have known that some "ass-loads" can, in fact, be delightful) on the Farewell to a Fish post that I didn't realize were there. So thank you for all of those which are now visible. You guys have always been, and continue to be, the best.

And for those who care - I am no longer sitting here in torn underwear with a 3-day beard and bedhead. I took a shower. So now I'm sitting here with a 3-day beard and wet hair in an old robe that's starting to smell like a can of Campbell's Chunky soup. (Sorry to get you ladies all sexed-up on a Sunday afternoon.)

My brilliant pal and coworker, Eric, was furiously scribbling a bunch of shapes and letters on a piece of paper. Technically it was a "simple substitution cipher" to encrypt messages, but as I'm sitting here in torn underwear with a 3-day beard and bedhead, "bunch of shapes and letters" is what I'm going with.

Later he slid the following note to me.

Eric had also given me a copy of the key to translate it, but my wife and I wanted to break the code on our own. At one point she picked up a nearby piece of paper, then closed her eyes and said, "Oh no, I think I just saw the key - I don't want to look at it!" I checked to see what she was holding and it was a page of Raisins' homework - so basically, as smart as Eric is, he also has the handwriting of my 7-year-old.

You can click here to see a larger version of Eric's secret message.

We had fun figuring it out - although I don't mind letting you know the message isn't terribly profound and is actually a little cryptic as well.

If anyone is interested cracking it, the first person to put the correct answer here on the comment board will win a very valuable prize - A BOX OF RAISINS, AUTOGRAPHED BY MY SON, RAISINS.

Good luck!WOW, WE ALREADY HAVE A WINNER! CONGRATS, DAVID!

(HEY NATE AND DAVID - EMAIL ME YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.)

x23e98E(*YU(d/...

Hello eveyb240rd2(*98jsls...!!

(Damn, it's been so long I'm even rustier at this than I thought.)

HELLO -- WHOEVER IS LEFT OF MY INTERNET FRIENDS! I hope all 3 of you are doing well. What's up?

I don't even know where we should jump in. I suppose we could talk about how Eddie the Extra-Angry Betta Fish passed away a couple of months ago. Why not? Death is always a hoot.

(If you're not familiar with Eddie and how he lovingly attacked me and my son, that's over here.)

I could tell for a week or so that Eddie didn't look good and was on his way out. I tried a few different things I read on the Internet but they didn't help. Possibly because those things were mostly cocktail recipes and reviews of cool apps I should download.

When he finally stopped moving I wasn't sure how hard my boys would take it. I put a little towel around the tank so they wouldn't walk in and see Eddie just lying there. As soon as Raisins (now 7) saw the towel, he new something was up.

"Is Eddie dead?!"

"Yeah, buddy," I said gently.

"GOOD! I HATED THAT FISH!"

It's hard to watch to watch your child go through heartbreak like that.

Next up was Lux (now 11!). He came in and saw the towel and also immediately knew it wasn't good news. "Did Eddie die?" he asked.

"I'm afraid he did."

Raisins tried to comfort his brother, "HE USED TO PUFF UP HIS GILS AND FREAK ME OUT! WHEN CAN WE GET RID OF THE TANK???"

I asked Lux if he wanted to say goodbye before we got rid of Eddie. He did. My wife took Raisins out of the room so Lux could pay his respects. He lifted the towel and saw Eddie's skinny lifeless body lying on the bottom of the tank.

He said, "Goodbye, Eddie." Then he sadly lowered the towel.

Just between us, I thought he could have said something a little more poignant like, "We only had you a year, but you swam your way into our hearts." Actually that's horrible. He did fine. I'm also happy to report that it was at this point Lux started to cry. It's not that I enjoy my children's sadness, it's just nice to know at least one of my kids might not grow up to be a heartless serial killer.

Lux did not want to be around to watch Eddie be dispatched. I can't blame him. My wife and I took the little guy into the bathroom and prepared to do the deed. "I can't believe I let myself get attached to that stupid fish," my wife said.

I admitted I was going to miss him, too. As I said a little goodbye in my head, Raisins strolled in. "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FLUSHING HIM DOWN THE TOILET?!! THAT'S HILARIOUS!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!"

And with that I sent Eddie on his way.

It's sad that we don't appreciate things until they're gone -- like the McRib or Al Roker's head fat. Then again Eddie bit both me and my son and I was the only one who ever fed him or cleaned his tank.

I think Raisins might be right on this one.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was really making me miss my dad. Don't worry, he's not ill or gone, he just doesn't love his only child enough to make the trip on my most special day. But it's fine. Really. (I'm just giving him a hard time. My dad and I have nothing but love for each other. And he did send a gift. The gift of sadness.)

Now, as some of you might remember, there is a long tradition of him decorating my cakes with a baffling image that doesn't look anything like a face. We call it "The Face."

The Face is something he has been drawing for over 60 years and you can read all about that right here. (It is easily one of my all-time favorites on The Sneeze. In fact, if you aren't familiar with it, you should really go read that first before you continue with this post.)

Since my dad couldn't be here to bitchslap my cake with icing, I asked my wife to do the honors and provide her own version of The Face. She was immediately feeling the pressure. My wife mentioned it on Twitter and @ApatheticAlto immediately reassured her, offering a pic of her own 40th birthday cake with a version of my Dad's face on it.

I was blown away that someone would go to the trouble of making something like that. Then I noticed the Capitol One credit card below it featuring my dad's actual cake picture and immediately thought "Holy crap! Why don't I have a credit card like that?! So I can hire a bodyguard to keep me safe from @ApatheticAlto!" (I'm kidding, Alto. I love it. Right here from my home in Uganda. Where I swear I live.)

I told my wife not to stress over it and that if she was really unhappy with how the cake turned out I wouldn't put it on the internet. At the end of the day it's just for fun, and I believe on your birthday you should be allowed to lie straight to your wife's face. (You know that shit was going on the internet no matter what.)

I suggested she should just do her own interpretation of The Face. Like when Sting takes a beloved Police song and does it with a slow jazzy twist, which makes people angry and sad and wish he was cool again. But honestly, how could she possible screw this up when my dad has left the world detailed instructions on how to create this iconic piece of art.

When I got home last night I was beyond excited for the unveiling of her cake and all I can say is Mrs. Sneeze went above and beyond. Wait for it...

Unbelievable. She's the best! And that's why she, AND ONLY SHE, gets to have my flabby, aging body on top of her for literally minutes at at time.

Thanks again for all the birthday wishes, guys. It is truly appreciated.