“If it’s not famous for being good, notorious for being bad, or full of retrospective cultural significance, chances are that the average (in both senses) TV show – especially in the days when almost everything was made basically to be shown once – will soon fade from the public memory”
Earlier this year, I did a series of articles for the fabulous This Way Up blog counting down the top ten examples of TV That Time Forgot – those television shows that were absolutely massive in their day, but which have since been more or less entirely forgotten about. Unfortunately nobody seemed to read any of them, but they were a lot of fun and so here’s the whole lot in one handy linked-up blog post for your amusement.
Why did Points Of View recieve letters about an exploding punk? Who were Windy Miller’s medieval ancestors? What was Skiboy? Find out all of this – and more – in… The TV That Time Forgot!
…at Ten, it’s forgotten Watch With Mother puppet girl with a wishing flower on her dress, Bizzy Lizzy!
…at Nine, a short-lived variety show for a short-lived pop sensation in Hear’Say It’s Saturday!
…at Eight, Toyah-fronted teen-slanted controversy-happy sketch show Dear Heart!
…at Seven, before-they-were-famous primetime comedy from some people who’d probably rather not be reminded of it, Something For The Weekend!
…at Six, The Department Of Trade And Industry’s most intrepid investigator, Bognor!
…at Five, cheaply-rendered puppet fun with Nellyphant and pals in The Enchanted House!
…at Four, genre-inventing globe-straddling romantic-comedy-drama Small World!
Yes, it’s the most Christmassy video ever – a hefty extract from the BBC’s Christmas Eve With Val Doonican from 1987, featuring the parrot-favouring cardigan-clad crooner performing On The Way To Bethlehem with the aid of St Philip’s Choir and internationally renowned recorder-ist Michala Petri.
There are many, many reasons why this is so fantastic. It’s a YouTubey era-straddling door into the twin lost worlds of quasi-surreal big budget Light Entertainment and the Golden Age Of Television that was the studio-bound mid-eighties BBC; it showcases one of the most likeable personalities in showbiz; it features a young lady who, to viewers of a certain age, is mentally filed alongside Sophie Aldred, Letitia Dean, Caron Keating, and Vanessa Amberleigh Off Of The Patch Stop From Playbus in the great pantheon of unwitting inspirers of unwholesome adolescent thoughts; and best of all it’s built around an uber-Festive rendition of one of the most joyfully soaring Christmas songs of them all.
And, as a bit of a special Christmas Bonus, here are a handful of Andrew Pixley-styled ‘Did You Know…?’ background facts…!:
- Christmas Eve With Val Doonican was broadcast between 22:39pm and 23:27pm precisely on 24th December 1987, between a News bulletin read by Moira Stuart, and The First Communion Of Christmas, broadcast live from Moreton Methodist Church, Wirral.
- The show’s designer John Asbridge was something of a cornerstone of studio-bound mid-eighties Golden Age-Era BBC Television, his other credits including work on such fondly remembered shows as Galloping Galaxies!, Hokey Cokey, Eureka and – yes! – Sylvester McCoy-era Doctor Who.
- Michala Petri first performed on the BBC as a soloist on a Radio 3 concert recital at the tender age of eighteen. Her ludicrously extensive discography includes something called Piece En Forme De Hanbabera, which is probably not a classical arrangement of that boing-laden hoedown from the end credits of Captain Caveman; Los Angeles Street Concerto, which includes a section entitled Nele’s Dances (IDEANTSF!!); the album Scandanavian Moods which boasts such demented titles as A Crow Was Perched High Up A Tree, Theme From ‘Midsommarvaka’, and Paul Let His Hen Flutter In The Garden. She also later recorded a Christmas album in cahoots with Westminster Abbey Choir, and in 1989 showed up on Jim’ll Fix It, alongside the unlikely pairing of Geoff Capes and Kylie Minogue.
- Fellow Doonican-duetter and erstwhile Dallas star Howard Keel appears to have flown out especially for the taping of this show, although he did take the opportunity of this BBC stopover to guest on an edition of daytime ‘viewer feedback’ show Open Air, where the main topic of conversation appeared to be darts coverage.
- On The Way To Bethlehem, more officially known as Shepherd’s Pipe Carol, was written by composer John Rutter in 1967 when he was still at school. It is better than all homework anyone else has done ever.
- With the regular Music Show having ground to a halt in 1986, this was effectively Val Doonican’s last major appearance on the BBC. His next project was straight up travelogue Val Doonican’s Homeward Bound in 1989, after which he quietly retired from the small screen. More interestingly, he appeared on several editions of Play School in 1972, reading stories to the accompaniment of the famed ‘black background’-reliant Playboard Puppets.
- Other notable programmes seen on BBC Television on 24th December 1987 included the last ever Festive Edition of Play School, presented by Elizabeth Watts; the climactic episode of a repeat run of Benji Zax & The Alien Prince; the Going For Gold semi-finals that finally saw smug glasses-wearing smartarse Stefan Dias deservedly eliminated from the contest; The Lenny Henry Christmas Special, which saw Robbie Coltrane and Terence Trent D’Arby help out with a parody of The Rock’n’Roll Years; and the Jimbo And The Jet Set Christmas Special, Jinglebells Jimbo. Over on Radio 1, Jonathan Ross was rifling through his My Top Ten whilst Tom ‘Lofty’ Watt showcased his ‘Aternative Christmas’. Meanwhile, Radio 4 was deep in the throes of the season of Christmas Hancock repeats that so enraged Victor Lewis-Smith on that year’s Loose Ends Christmas Special.
- ITV on the other hand offered A Child’s Christmas In Wales, sadly based on Dylan Thomas’ literary masterwork rather than the John Cale song; episodes of Santa Barbara and The Sullivans; Christmas Specials of Sporting Triangles and Blockbusters; enough Disney films to constitute a contravention of the Health & Safety Act; and, opposite Christmas Eve With Val Doonican, A Duty Free Christmas. I’ll take the one with the singing, thanks. Conspicuous by its absence from the listings, however, was Hardwicke House. Channel 4, on the other hand, seemed to self-parodically devote most of its schedules to award-winning Czechoslovakian animations, though there was still room for repeats of The Comic Strip Presents… Consuela, and Jon Pertwee-headed drama-documentary-satire oddity The Curious Case Of Santa Claus.
- According to the Radio Times, ‘Sky’ also appeared on this show; whether this was the prog-classical supergroup headed by John Williams or the mid-seventies HTV sci-fi serial starring some kid in an ill-fitting wig that everyone had started bizarrely raving about in 1987 for no readily obvious reason is sadly not clear.
- St Philip’s Choir’s 1988 album Sing For Ever! now fetches ridiculous amounts on eBay, despite being largely devoid of moogs, funks, and indeed breaks. Curiously less in demand, however, is their contemporaneous single combining covers of Orinoco Flow and Always There (Theme From Howard’s Way). The choir’s star performer, Jaymi Bantok, is inexplicably absent from this performance. Though the reasons for this are not known to us, his possible whereabouts on the recording date are furiously debated in the ‘comments’ underneath this YouTube video.
- “What kind of flute play the woman????”, asks ‘carlosaeiou’ on YouTube… we’re pleased to be able to confirm it is a Piccolo Recorder!
Yes indeed, it’s time for the fourth and final instalment of the Advent Podcasts, this time covering the extremely precise and clearly-defined subject of ‘Advent Stuff’. And what is ‘Advent Stuff’ exactly? Well, it’s all the Christmassy-but-not-Christmassy-in-itself ’stuff’ that we wanted to cover but couldn’t really fit into the categories of TV, Films or Music for the other shows. So that means terrifying Radio Times/TV Times covers, long-forgotten David Baddiel/Armando Iannucci radio project Soundbites, fab website spinoff book TV Cream Toys, TV Cream-inspiring radio documentary Trumpton Riots, Jimmy Tarbuck’s Annual Joke Tally, and loads more besides. Pure Rock’n'Roll!
You can download it here (or via iTunes), and get the first three parts here, here and here, and TV Cream Toys is available from all good bookshops including this here online one. And that – with our Blue Peter Advent Crown-aping two-episodes-in-one-week antics – is basically that for the Advent Podcasts, which you’ve hopefully all enjoyed. But keep an eye on Out On Blue Six over the next couple of days…!
…and following on from the previous post, the third instalment of the Advent Podcast by myself and Ben Baker is here! This time it’s Christmassy Music that isn’t actually Christmas Music, focusing on The Beach Boys, John Cale and obscure ‘loungecore’ compilation The Sound Spectrum, but also covering such diverse topics as Dave Lee Travis, The Adventures Of Don Quick, Lou Reed’s approach to etiquette, and who or what ‘Eurofashion ’68′ might or might not have been.
You can download it directly here, or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes here, and parts one and two are still available here and here respectively. Coming Soon – Part Four… and there’ll be more Christmas Fun on here during the week too!
Over at Talk About The Passion, ‘That’ Ben Baker and myself are currently presenting a series of special Advent-themed podcasts, taking a festively-sideways look at some of the films, TV and music that used to be flung out in the weeks leading up to Christmas, when broadcasters were in the mood to start getting a bit festive but couldn’t really break out the Yuletide big-hitters just yet.
There’s more to come in the week-and-a-bit ahead, but for now, the first two are online and can be downloaded from Talk About The Passion, or from iTunes, or by clicking on the links below…
Show 1 takes a look at Advent-associated TV programmes, including Noel Edmonds’ hoofer-doofer heavy quiz show Telly Addicts, over-repeated BBC Schools efforts Music Time and Watch, and the numerous quasi-supernatural childrens’ serials the BBC used to put on in the run-up to Christmas, including The Box Of Delights, The Moon Stallion, The Children Of Green Knowe and, of course, the bastard scary version of Pinocchio. Plus there’s stuff about Simon Pegg, Roland Rat, paper plates with faces drawn on them, and Eight Competing Bernard Cribbinses. Download it here.
Show 2 spools through the films that used to end up on TV in the pre-Christmas hinterland, including Carry On Cruising, The Wrong Box, and the BBC’s annual unofficial Michael Caine mini-season, featuring The Italian Job, Get Carter, The Ipcress File, Alfie, Pulp, and any other one where he wears a big coat. Plus there’s still room for discussion of the Beatles Films, The Hudsucker Proxy, National Garreth F. Hirons Week, and the art of perfecting a rubber-faced impression of a rubber-faced impressionist. Download it here.
…and watch out for the remaining instalments soon!
WHAT WAS IT?
Gritty-defining ‘Special Ops’-themed semi-Avengers-spinoff docklands-backdropped setup for a weekly closing pun that inspired a million adolescent guitar hero wannabes to invest in a cheap second-hand wah-wah pedal that crackled when depressed (in both senses). TEN POINTS.
WHAT HAPPENS?
Opens with Public Information Film-esque footage of a car bursting through a sheet of glass before giving way to quick cuts of said ‘Professionals’ hoofing it around urban London and leaping in and out of cars. Then we get some natty-for-the-time animated sillhouette business with the programme logo in military stencil as Cowley rifles through some papers and looks ‘concerned’ in front of an old-skool tape-spinning computer, Doyle poses in – where else? – the docklands and practices some obscure and possibly non-existent martial art, and Bodie hammers a punchbag. Then there’s some business with a car driving through what appears to be the set of The Mary Whitehouse Experience, and finally all three barge down the street knocking the cameraman flying. EIGHT POINTS.
CUE THE MUSIC!
Scarcely needs any introduction. Nothing says Hip-But-Hard-Hitting Seventies TV Detective more than bombastic wah-wah overindulgence, and nothing says bombastic wah-wah overindulgence more than this most recognisable of theme tunes. Surprisingly brief for its vintage too. TEN POINTS.
END TITLE INTERESTINGNESS
Very low on the ‘interestingness’, really. Just a reprise of the sillhouette stuff with a whopping great military stencil ‘CI5′ in a colour scheme that calls to mind a seasick version of the This Is Your Right title card. TWO POINTS.
CUNNING VARIANTS
Now you’re talking! On its first transmission, series one of The Professionals opted for a downright laughable opening sequence in which a decidedly un-swish car screeches up, Bodie and Doyle pile out, and Cowley times them racing unconvincingly round an assault course which takes in diving through windows and bumping into each other in a corridor full of shop mannequins, like some masochistic variant of The Krypton Factor. And what’s more, with two stuntmen visibly in shot throughout. Then, job done, they drive off again. Later edited out of all prints and not even to resurface as a DVD extra. TEN POINTS.
ICONIC MOMENT
Bodie sauntering down the street, doing ‘suave’ in ridiculous collars. SIX POINTS, which gives them a smuggler-arresting-at-the-last-minute total of FORTY SIX POINTS.
…and just in case you were thinking we’d lost sight of the traditions that have made Out On Blue Six what it is today (so, that’ll be a blog with slightly more readers than Here Is A Box – most of whom were looking for ‘eve myles tits’ – then), here’s a rundown of some of the more bizarre search queries that have pushed unwitting readers in this direction during the mid-season break. It’s probably kinder not to speculate on what they were hoping to actually find. Hopefully they all had fun doing the Michael Parkinson Quiz, though.
‘name of top cat’ ‘is darrell on milk carton’ ‘peter egan throws topov at dylan’ ‘keith harris blue’ ‘val doonican going home’ ‘ben baker so much more than tv times in tv times’ ‘is there a band that sings about torchwood’ ‘louis walsh at christmas’ ‘dempsey and makepeace credit font’ ‘test card clown puppet doll dummy toy gonk’ ‘is there a song like the beatles’ ‘i am in love with the world by morph’ ‘cat 56 where are you’ ‘the grimleys is ending’ ‘professor weeto compilation album’ ‘did rachel from glee do anal porn’ ‘hamble the doll (doll)’ ‘russell brand we’re so sorry uncle albert’ ‘stuart maconies chicken roaster’ ‘who borrows a comb’ ‘mike and joe who did the angry blog’ ‘cartoon man with trashcan’ ‘kristen bell whip marks on butt’ ‘i gyrocopter i’ ‘orville abducted children’ ‘boss cat lawsuit’ ‘jonathan sloman out of the trees’ ‘kenny g songbird backing track’ ‘little ted sold ebay’ ‘charlie dimmock man wanked in her bra jailed’ ‘keith allen comedy’ ‘barnaby the bears my bbc noughts and crosses’ ‘where do you buy top cat merchandise’ ‘listen to me telesnaps’ ‘mr pastrys name’ ‘how easy is it to change the name of a cat’ ‘was ronnie hazlehursts here come the zanies a single’ ‘alan driscoll must set my people free’ ‘father ted kidnapped duck’ ‘john barrowman 2008 calendar’ ‘are catherine tates tits bigger than dawn frenchs’ ‘matthew gullivers ark’ ‘was arthur petrelli powerful’ ‘michael grade lost’ ‘spangles in vodka and gin’ ‘ram john holder is on the dole’ ‘sabrina salerno had very big tits in the eighties’ ‘looking for tvs alexei sayle’ ‘sesame street big bird scares parkman’ ‘sylvester mccoy believes in spitting image’ ‘why dont wh smiths sell felt tip pens from 1960s’ ‘sloman eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’ ‘jason donovan buys green spatula’ ‘phil cool citrus spring translation’ ‘why do people fight with guns in camberwick green’ ‘herring stop’
Welcome, one and all, to another Out On Blue Six multi-part contest thingy, this time aiming to establish once and for all what was the best TV Title Sequence of all time. Yes, we’re talking about those brash, bold, clunkily-signposting opening sequences from the days when you needed a bit more than a spooky ‘draught’ noise and the programme’s logo sort of floating away on a plain background. We’re talking neon renderings of ageing comedians, we’re talking flying cutlery-mounted food, we’re talking adolescent-thrilling flashes of animated knicker, we’re talking, but of course, James Bond III As ‘Doc’. There were so many great ones, but… which was the greatest? Well, over the coming however-long-it-ends-up-taking, we’ll be finding out with the aid of a handy scoring system. And first to run itself by that selfsame handy scoring system is…
#1 – Here Come The Double Deckers!
[Sorry, only the end titles here, as Fox keep removing any videos of the opening titles from YouTube - we asked Rupert Murdoch why this was, and he replied "Dough...nut? I have not ever heard of that gentleman"]
WHAT WAS IT?
Transatlantically-funded comedy exploits of a gang of slapstick-prone Lahndahn youngsters who operated out of a pop-art nightmare ‘den’ fashioned from a disused Routemaster. NINE POINTS.
WHAT HAPPENS?
The assembled Double Deckers leap around in their ‘pad’, and take a back-projected open-top bus ride through the capital before being introduced in turn with associated ‘zany’ posturing - Scooper and Spring flail about larkishly, Billie waters some clearly fake plants, Brains jives like a nerdy kid at a school disco, Doughnut scoffs a massive sundae with a look of unparallelled bliss on his face, Sticks bashes away at some oversized drums, and Tiger does some time-honoured ‘I’m a tomboy!!’ pretending-to-drive-the-bus-ness, followed by a series of quick cuts to them all looking alarmed at various brass-derived ‘angry motorist’ sounds. SEVEN POINTS.
CUE THE MUSIC!
It’s almost certainly the infectious cast-caterwauled theme song that has lodged itself in the fond memories of a generation, rather than the visuals, and while the lyrics don’t stand up to any sort of Revolution In The Head-style scrutiny (“ring the bell, sound the horn, when you ride with the Double Deckers”), you just can’t fault it for sheer get-up-and-go sixties pop ebullience. In fact, fans of UK Psych might notice a certain similarity between it and The Lemon Tree’s bonkers classic William Chalker’s Time Machine. The Sound Of The School Holidays, in every concievable sense. TEN POINTS.
END TITLE INTERESTINGNESS
Tinted photographs of bits of the set are always a good sign, and keen-eared listeners may notice that the theme lyrics have been subtly amended to reflect the fact that the programme is now over (“you’ve been on board…”). And then, in a primitive precursor to the DVD Easter Egg, the gang pop up post-titles to sing “See you next weeeeeeeeeeeek” in that Music Hall four note punchline thingy, cheerily waving whilst doing so. EIGHT POINTS.
CUNNING VARIANTS
This is the category that will really sort the Mister Men from the Oblivion Boys, revolving as it does around the existence, whether proven or merely rumoured, of rarely-seen alternative opening titles that have become the stuff of legend. Unfortunately for Tiger and company, there isn’t one for this show. Not a good start to the series. NO POINTS,
ICONIC MOMENT
It has to be the ridiculously elaborate Mousetrap-esque opening mechanism for the clubhouse door, whirring away while some ultra-sixties guitars politely freak out in the background. SIX POINTS, which nets Here Come The Double Deckers! a double-decking FORTY POINTS.
Sing This All Together (See What Happens)
Possibly the only act to pull off the much-desired transition from pseudo-New Romantic synth duo to mid-eighties globe-straddling stadium rock megastars, Tears For Fears had been suspiciously quiet since their infamous Live Aid no-show, last sighted in public with an hilariously lazy rejigging of Everybody Wants To Rule The World - as Everybody Wants To Run The World - for hastily carpet-swept-under Live Aid spinoff Sport Aid. Whenever anyone took such a breather in the mid-late eighties, ill-founded rumours invairably suggested that they were hard at work in the studio, intricately labouring over their Own Personal Sergeant Pepper. Except in this case, the rumours were actually very well founded indeed. NINE POINTS.
Brought His Mellotrode And Freaked ‘Em All Out
Jangly guitars, rippling backing vocals, that descending chord sequence, dreamy woodwind break, weird synth noises, gospel-inflected extemporising (courtesy of Oleta Adams), spoken word bits hidden deep in the mix, demented Hammond-hammering, phasing – and varispeeded phasing at that – and, of course, Penny Lane trumpet. This has got the lot, including the kitchen sink, which Curt Smith once onlyhalf-jokingly claimed was sampled for one of the percussion sounds. Plus, and gaining it that all-important extra point, the only appearance of a genuine ‘mellotrode’ in this entire contest. TEN POINTS.
On The Bus Or Off The Bus?
Wow, now we’re talking. Any song that starts off by claiming that it’s “high time we made a stand, shook up the views of the common man” has to be on to something, and indeed the lyrics go on to tie in all that overhyped peace and love stuff with modern-day Acid House shenanigans, urges vigorous reading of books, and promises “an end to need, and the politics of greed, with love”. Meanwhile, hidden in the middle of all this is a vitriolic second verse that lays into a certain ‘Politician Granny’ with high ideals who has no idea how the majority feels, and throws in an entirely gratuitous swipe at Paul Weller for good measure, shaming him into mounting his own attempts at sounding A Bit Like The Beatles two years too late. And, as if it needs to be pointed out, “every minute of every hour, I love a sunflower”. Taxi for New Kids On The Block! TEN POINTS.
The Green And Purple Lights Affect Your Sight
Roland and Curt lip-synch their way through a maze of whirling planets, clouds, guitars, fish, hands, paisley wallpaper, newspapers, darboard boxes, brass map things, drinking birds, sunflowers, animated thingymajigs off a late eighties ‘Tonight… On BBC2!’ trailer, and blonde women with Yahoo Serious hair. It only loses a couple of points for being quite obviously rendered in that same video effects package that was commonly used around then everywhere from Enya videos via Sylvester McCoy-era Doctor Who to, yes, ‘Tonight… On BBC2!’ trailers. EIGHT POINTS.
I’m Picking Up Bad Vibrations
Quite aside from inflating the indignance of all those characters in school who red-facedly scowled that it “sounds exactly like a Beatles song that I don’t know the name of but it sounds exactly like it!!”, Sowing The Seeds Of Love and its associated lengthy studio sessions were instrumental in causing a rift within the band itself, with Curt departing in somewhat less than ‘Musical Differences’ circumstances immediately after they finished touring the album. Priceless. TEN POINTS.
Ha Ha Ha… We Blew Your Mind!
Said parent album, The Seeds Of Love, was indeed an ambitious neo-psychedelic offering from start to finish, especially the fab Swords And Knives (which includes weird backward-but-forward snatches of Sowing The Seeds Of Love in the background), and while Curt’s curt departure prevented the band from exploring this sonic avenue much further, it must be pointed out that the single’s original b-side, Tears Roll Down (Laid So Low), later became a bona fide hit single in its own right. SEVEN POINTS, bringing them to a not exactly acrimonious total of FIFTY FIVE POINTS.
And so, the results… in last place come Bros, staring into their bank balance with a sorry-if-identical-looking NINETEEN POINTS. Just above them are Danny Wilson and New Kids On The Block, whose game but not quite convincing efforts net them TWENTY FOUR POINTS and TWENTY SEVEN POINTS respectively. Madonna’s mixed bag nets her THIRTY FOUR POINTS, and Hue & Cry’s similar shortcomings find them just slightly ahead with FORTY ONE POINTS. Taking off into the stratosphere, Jason Donovan makes FORTY SIX POINTS, Swing Out Sister FORTY NINE POINTS, but the clear winners are Tears For Fears with an unassailable FIFTY FIVE POINTS. Looks like we’d better split the trophy in two, then.
Anyway, everyone at Out On Blue Six hopes you’ve enjoyed this voyage to Not-Quite-Trip-Out-City, and that you’ll join us again in a couple of days for news of an exciting Christmas bonanza…
The internet's premier 'resource' for writer and occasional broadcaster Tim Worthington, with news on new projects, news on old projects, and absolutely loads of irrelevant nonsense from the archives.
Come on archivey-types, you've got fourteen hours left to find an episode of R.3! 2 days ago
RT @Monster_Maker: Apologies to anyone else suddenly compelled to watch The Ice Warriors just to spot the two other Martian variants. Sk ... 3 days ago
@jackkibblewhite On a Noel tip, Whatever Next?! was on my shortlist but didn't make the 'cut'. Whither Beadle's Underpant Garden?? 3 days ago
“If it’s not famous for being good, notorious for being bad, or full of retrospective cultural significance, chances are that the average (in both senses) TV show – especially in the days when almost everything was made basically to be shown once – will soon fade from the public memory”
Yes indeed, it’s time for the 
…and following on from 
Over at 
