John Boehner Dines On a Christmas Dinner of Humble Pie and a Side of Crow

 

John Boehner has shown renewed vigor and vitality as Speaker of the House recently...

Or then again, maybe not.

 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

 

Yuletide greetings, everyone!

I am catching up on some last minute Christmas correspondence...

But I am republishing a special Christmas recipe for you...

Handed down by the Great Lawgiver, who brought presents to all of the good apes and gave lobotomies to all of those pesky humans. Here is his divine simian recipe:

Milk Punch ala the Great Lawgiver
Fill the blender 3/4 full of ice
fill the blender 3/4 full of milk
2 capfulls of vanilla (1/2 teaspoon)
4 heaping tablespoons of sugar
Mix in 3 shots of brandy
Sprinkle Nutmeg on each serving.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

Cthulhu Christmas Carols

 

Cthulhu's song The Shoggoth Song Death To The World Mi-Go We Have Heard On High Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones Silent Night, Blasphemous Night Harley Got Devoured by the Undead Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town It's Beginning To Look a lot Like Fishmen

Oh Cthulhu Es Y'golonac Away In A Madhouse Elvis Presley - Blue Solstice Freddy the Red Brained Mi-Go Carol of the Old Ones Sing-Along I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth Have yourselves a scary little Solstice It's the Most Horrible Time of the Year

I'm listening to all of these swell Cthulhu Christmas carols! My personal favorites are "Carol of the Old Ones", "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones" and of course Elvis Presley singing, "Blue Solstice". Many of these songs are from the album: "A Very Scary Solstice" by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

 

The Real Meaning of Christmas

 

December's Awesome Facebook Pictures!
Zaius Nation: What do you call people who are afraid of Christmas? 'Claus-trophobic!'
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How Germany Builds Twice as Many Cars as the U.S. While Paying Its Workers Twice as Much
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If you ever had any doubt the the media was controlled
Damn! Van Damme!
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What Liberals Fought For And Conservatives Fought Against
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27 worst nativity sets: the annual, growing list!

 

A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer

 

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I have finally got most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this special Christmastime moment to share with you a Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly a most accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States.

 

Christine O'Donnell Still Doesn't Want You to Touch Your Penis!

 

Remember Christine O'Donnell, the "I'm not a witch" and "God doesn't want you to masturbate" Tea Party candidate who defeated U.S. Representative and former governor Michael Castle in Delaware's September 2010 Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, only to then lose the seat held by Republicans for 18 years to Democrat Chris Coons by a margin of 57% to 40%? [ 1 ] Me neither! (as my good friend Tengrain would say.)

Well it would seem that despite her creation of a PAC, Ms. O'Donnell has fallen out favor with the Tea Party as of late. Why are those wacky Republicans so gosh darned fickle these days?

'Not a witch' O'Donnell endorses Romney for Prez
Christine O'Donnell and the Fix Endorsement Hierarchy
O'Donnell's 'unreliable' Gingrich zing
Christine O'Donnell Touring Early 2012 States
Updated: Christine O'Donnell meets tea-party activists in West Des Moines
Christine O'Donnell Rejected by Iowa Tea Party Groups
15 Iowa tea party-related groups reject Christine O'Donnell's meetup invitation
**I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell
Christine O'Donnell invents a New Sugar Daddy [ 2 ]
Christine O'Donnell To Build Addition To Home [...]
ChristinePAC | Official Site

 

Vive la Différence!

 

A brief but delightful tale of redemption, peer pressure, and the importance of blind conformity - Charlton Comics' The Difference.

 

The Great GOP Hot Air Balloon Race

 

With less than a month until the Iowa caucuses, Newt Gingrich is enjoying a comfortable lead over the rest of the Republican candidates.

Trying to narrow the gap in the race is proving to be a very difficult task for the GOP favorite...

And while other contenders in the race have had some success with tried and true methods...

Some candidates can't even seem to get their campaigns off the ground.

 

Ack! My Christmas Has Been Ruined!

 

Ack! My Christmas has been ruined! I went to the local Walgreens to buy my large daily bag of my medicinal Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and was shocked to find that they did not have any regular large bags of wholesome and health-giving Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, the only Reeses Peanut Butter goodness that they had in a large bag were Reeses Peanut Butter TREES!

I was forced to buy these atrocities, of course. What else was I to do? I could not allow myself to succumb to an damaging and harmful anti-sucrose coma that would beinduced by a diet completely devoid of the healthful effects of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. But these Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are an atrocity! An aberration against god and nature!

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are aerodynamic, and thus by very design they are both roundish and circular - a shape that is both easy to digest and pleasing to the eye and stomach. On the other hand, Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are pointy and angular, and they are entirely without the palette-pleasing edge ridges of a regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Oh, the horror.

 

Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!"

 

No time for blogging today! I'm busy drumming up business for my friends down at the local funeral parlor. (I wouldn't want to shirk in my duties as a job creator!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!" Aloha, kids!

The Latest Edition of Awesome Facebook Pictures!
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Hottest Gamer Girls...Ever, Part One
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Heroic Dog Rescues Kittens Dumped in Traffic
Texts From Bennett
The World's Biggest Insect Is So Freaking Huge It Can Eat a Carrot
Animals of YouTube sing "Jingle Bells"
CATalunia Boy's Choir
Fracking May Have Caused 50 Earthquakes in Oklahoma
Kitty Plays Fetch
Bad Photos
Simon's Cat in 'Double Trouble'
Shoes 4 Cecilia
Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Shut Your Mouth When You Sneeze
Camouflage Paintings
Angry Cobra-Cat
Ghostbusters Fans: Halloween Costume Contest Entries (Facebook)
Wookiee The Chew
Ten stories of people moving their money, despite bank efforts to stop them
Map: The Nuclear Bombs in Your Backyard
5 ways to help your pet live longer
Shocking News Cast
Bert Brandon of Interplanetary Insurance, Inc.

And...
Moms Blast Xmas Vid From Justin Bieber & Mariah Carey As Too Sexy [ 2, 3 ]
(I was actually far more offended by the ridiculous number of product placements in the video.)

 

Im Ho Tep Lives!

 

As you may have heard, they are voting for new leadership in Egypt...

...I hope that they elect my good friend Boris Karloff!

 

Pedobear Says...

 
 

Beware! Take Cover! It's the end of Daylight Saving Time as we know it!

 

Citizens, beware! Daylight Saving Time as we know it will end this Sunday at 2:00 a.m. local standard time, which (through the dark technology of time travel) shall become 1:00 a.m. local daylight time!

When a time change is actually occurring, take shelter immediately. Put together a kit of emergency supplies. Determine in advance where you will take shelter during time change. (Storm cellars or basements provide the best protection.)

If underground shelter is not available, go into an interior room or hallway on the lowest floor possible. Stay clear of clocks and devices with internal chronometers, such as VCRs and some microwaves. Stay away from windows, doors and outside walls. Go to the center of the room. Stay away from corners because they attract time ripples and temporal distortions.

Parts of Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Idaho and Montana are not affected by the ravages of Daylight Saving Time. Other areas in the U.S. that are spared the horrific effects of Daylight Saving Time are Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands.

Final tip: It is NOT Daylight Savings time--there's no "s" after Saving. It's Daylight Saving Time, singular.

As a time traveling simian spiritual leader from the future, I know about these things!

PST: Pacific Time (GMT -08:00)	MST: Mountain Time (GMT -07:00)
CST: Central Time (GMT -06:00)	EST: Eastern Time (GMT -07:00)

 

Happy Halloween!

 

(My good friend George sent me this.)

October Ritual

It's Halloween night. Yes, it's finally here.

I've bought all the candy – twice as much as last year.

I have Hershey and Nestle and Tootsie Roll Pops,

Marshmallow pumpkins, black and orange gum drops,

Snickers, and Reese's, M&Ms;, Milky Ways,

Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, taffy, Pay Days,

Candy corn, Almond Joys, Good ‘n' Plenty, and Mounds,

Skittles and Kit Kats, Cracker Jack by the pounds.

There are Three Musketeers, Junior Mints that I'll freeze.

I've splurged on Godiva and boxes of See's.

Yes now I am ready; I've spared no expense.

So let's get things started. Let the evening commence.

Though the street will be crowded with children galore,

I'm not turning the light on. I won't answer the door.

That shouldn't surprise you; it's clear, don't you see?

For all of the candy's for me – just for me!

© 2011 George Bereschik

 

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

 

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

 

The Zaius Nation Guide to Feeding Your Cat

 

I think that the best method for feeding your cat is to buy it in bulk, and then arrange it in your cabinet categorized by flavor. If you feed your cat each can sequentially, you know that you are feeding him or her a delicious treat that they haven't had for several days. This takes all of the guesswork out of which can to feed your cat next. Cat food problem solved!

Of course, one must first make a careful study of which kinds of food your cat likes to eat. This can only be accomplished by a painstaking process of trial and error, but I definitely think that the results are worth it. Here is the findings of my own detailed study of the eating habits of my cat, Captain Nemo:

My Cat's Favorite Foods: A Detailed Analysis

 

Recent Customer Service Changes in the Banking Industry

 

Youtube.com: Close Your Bank Account and Get Arrested!
theblaze.com: 'I'm a Customer!': Wild Video as Cops Arrest Dozens for Trespassing at Citibank
gather.com: Developing Story: People Arrested for Trying to Close Citibank Accounts
wonkette.com: NYPD Arrests Woman For Closing Her Citibank Account (VIDEO)
gawker.com: This Video of NYPD Arresting a Woman at Citibank Certainly Doesn't Look Good
redgreenandblue.org: DON’T close your Citibank account today. They're arresting people.
mogulite.com: OWS: If You Try to Close out Your Citibank Account, You Will be Arrested

 

This Month's Collection of Awesome Facebook pictures

 

Click Here For This Month's Collection of Awesome Facebook pictures!

 

Sarah Palin Quits Before She Starts! ("Only Dead Fish Go With the Flow, Don't Cha Know.")

 

I am sorry that Sarah Palin has decided to not run for president in 2012...

...At least she still has her has her job at FOX News to fall back on!

 

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Steve Jobs
(02/24/1955 - 10/05/2011)

 

Due To a Recent Turn of Events, I Have Decided to Join the Suffragette Movement!

 

[ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 ]

No time for blogging today! I'm finally back at work, working half days for the time being. It still hurts when I stand up or walk for more than a few minutes though, and I still have problems if I sit upright for more than a few hours. I start getting these pains in my left Oreo Double Stuff Mint Chocolate Cookie and other related unmentionable regions.

But that's not all! a couple of weeks ago I contracted a horrible rash that goes from my left thigh to my right thigh and covers everything in between, which the doctor diagnosed as a yeast infection caused by the veritable Smorgasbord of antibiotics I have been taking. (For this condition the doctor has prescribed a little pink pill to go with my vast, newly acquired collection of pharmaceutical products. Also, the nurse has recommended that I apply liberal doses of Monistat 7 twice daily.)

Using my vast medical acumen to diagnose my own recent condition, I have determined that I am turning into a woman! Ack! Just look at the facts of the case:

• Due to the open wound left by my recent surgery, every day I find blood in my underpants.


• I have a yeast infection in my rough and tumblies. For this infection I have been applying Monistat 7 at the direction of the nurse. (I got some funny looks at the drugstore where I bought it, I must say.)


• Because I have been taking so many different kind of antibiotics that are destroying all of my intestinal flora and fauna that I use to digest food, my doctor says that I have to eat yogurt three times a day. (Yogurt! **Shudder**)


• I am taking little pink pills for my rash.


• they have put a bathroom scale in the bathroom at work, so I am now constantly obsessing about my weight every time I see it. (I have actually lost 20 pounds! I am sure that I will find it around here somewhere, I fear...)

I have resolved myself to embrace this recent turn of events. Being a lady is an attitude! I am woman! I am invincible! I am getting rather tired of these ongoing medical issues, however...