It's my birthday

I may take the night off. But here's the title track from Ani DiFranco's forthcoming album (scheduled for release in January). It's a reworking of the coal miner organizing song, "Which Side Are You On," addressing what's happening now. My Inner Frenchman loves it, but as the Commander of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution, I consider it a think-crime.

Bachmannian Prayer Therapy Really Works

Steven Wilson was living his homosexualist lifestyle in a homosexualist bar when a handsome young Mormon missionary, Elder InDenial, introduced himself.

"Hi there, Brother Hairybear," the missionary presumably said, "have you heard the story about how an angel gave Joseph Smith a second testament of Christ and how Joseph translated it by staring at a stone in a hat? Would you like to be baptized, move in with me, and spend the rest of our lives living the heterosexual lifestyle together?"

Touched by the Spirit of the Lord in a very heterosexual kind of way, Steven immediately responded, "Take me, Elder InDenial, take me into your home, baptize me, and let us live the heterosexual lifestyle, together, as brothers."

Twenty years later, they're still living together in that house and still living the life of chaste and fervently heterosexual bachelors.

Really, it's true.

A tip o' the ol' helmet to Brother Blanco.

Mitt Not So Crazy After All

The official organ of the Mormon Church, The Deseret News, hosts a column called "Challenging Issues" which attempts to help the righteous explain some of our more unconventional beliefs. The latest column begins:

As we continue our discussion about the Book of Mormon translation... For members who were unaware of the seer stone in the hat, at least two questions or concerns may arise: 1) Is it strange that Joseph used a stone in a hat? 2) Why have we have always been told that Joseph used the Urim and Thummim?

Stone in a hat? What in the heck is the writer talking about"

Elder Russell M Nelson of the Council of the Twelve explains:

Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and on that appeared the writing. One character at a time would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to Brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man.

That may sound a bit crazy to some, but "Challenging Issues" arms the faithful with an explanation:

...it seems hypocritical to summarily dismiss Joseph's method of translation because it doesn't fit with pre-conceived views of how God communicates. As with all spiritual claims, the only way to know if they come from God is to ask God for a witness.

But where did the stones come from? That's revealed in an earlier column:

Last week we revisited the Brother of Jared's experience when the Lord touched 16 stones to light the barges for the group's oceanic voyage. The Lord told him to write a record and to seal it up with two stones (possibly two of the 16) so future generations could interpret the text.

These interpreters eventually ended up in the hands of Mosiah the younger, who used them to translate the Jaredite record — the Book of Ether. We don't know exactly how Mosiah acquired the interpreters. It's possible they were found with Ether's plates or that Mosiah was led to them by an angel. It's also possible that he received them from his grandfather, the first Mosiah.

Many years earlier, Mosiah 1 and several other Nephites had merged with the Mulekites in Zarahamela — which was the final resting place of Coriantumr, the last Jaredite king. Mosiah 2 eventually passed the interpreters to other Nephite prophets, and it seems they were included in the stone box with the Book of Mormon plates.

See, Mormons aren't that crazy after all.

A Little Sabbath Music

Update for those who love the blues: Stacy Mitchart "Black Dog/Whole Lotta Love"



Godless secular tune from The Mommyheads: "Broken and Glazed"



Heretical gospel from Mavis Staples" "99 & 1/2"



And a traditional hymn sung by a hippie: Ani DiFranco - "Amazing Grace"

Department of Book Reports: We're Making a List and Checking It Twice

It has come to our attention that the authors you'll find on this list have turned out to be no-good commie rats. I'll bet some of your favorite writers are on this list. I'm shocked! Shocked!

Occupy Writers


And, most assuredly, many of these authors and their books can be found at Jackson Street Books and other fine independent bookstores.

Today is Take your Child to a Bookstore Day, and the first annual Ho Ho Hoquiam. Here's hoping to see you in a bookstore today, perhaps even ours!

Obama is The Leopard

Things I learned from the latest prophetic video produced by Willima Tapley, Third Eagle of the Apocalypse and Co-Prophet of the End Times:

• As prophesied, 11/11/11 was indeed an evil date. It was the day when Oscar Romero Ortega Hernandez took pot shots at the White House.
• The Obamunist Usurper is the leopard foretold in Daniel because, like the leopard, he is both black and white.
• Obama's number is 444 rather than 666.
• Obama will be destroyed by Putin because Oscar Romero Ortega Hernandez used an AK-47 style assault rifle based on the design of a Kalashnikov.

The Third Eagle also treats us to a "new song dedicated to the pro-lifers of Buffalo, New York," people like James Charles Kopp.

St Bernard Was One Sly Dawg

As a member of the one true Mittonian church, I don't know know much about the Catholic Church other than it's the Whore of Babylon. I always thought the Babylon thing might be why Newt Gingrich converted to Catholicism. That is until I heard St. Bernard's story:

Saint Bernard fed from the breast of our Immaculate Mary. After a long prayer session he cried out, “Show thyself my mother!” and a lactating Maria, pressing her naked breast, squirted a mystical stream of milk directly into his mouth.

Now it makes sense. Newt is simply looking for that "Mary in ever woman" that Father Joe is always taking about.

Depictions of the Lactation of St. Bernard were as popular during the Renaissance as periodicals, like "Udders: The Magazine for The Red State Man," are today. Here are a few examples (these are not retouched):


Miraculous Lactation of St Bernard
Alonso Cano, 1650


La Virgen entre san Benito y San Bernardo
Maesto de Borbotó, 13th Century

Why is she holding the Baby Lindsey Graham in this one:

Lactation of St. Bernaard
Christus Petrus, 1480

More here and here.

A tip o' the ol' helmet to Mr Boloboffin.

And now for something not so completely different:


It touched the other candidates' hearts to see the pride with which Rick Santorum modeled his big boy pants.