Avoid hooking up with a Libra this month, Aquarius, because we heard through the grapevine that they think of you as run-of-the-mill in bed, like mashed potatoes to their spicy, worldly gravy. We happen to know that you're much more like stuffing: savory and sweet, crisp and soft, great in mixed company but delicious on your own, and indispensable when it counts. Find your turkey, Aquarius, and get up in there.
It’s a bad month to be a proponent of Aryan dominance, and that’s going to affect your sex life, Aries, no matter your personal ideology. Most people don’t have time to make subtle distinctions. The good news is, in some parts of the country that confusion could lead to even more sex. But if you live in one of those areas, chances are you already know it, so if you’re unsure, we wouldn’t go testing that theory.
With Jupiter in Pluto Nash and the recent New Moon … aw, the hell with it. Just ask your neighbor out, Cancer, for God’s sake. You’ve been wanting to do it for three months, and you’re going to be out of town a lot over the next few weeks. Wouldn’t it be great to have a solid “just nailed my neighbor” story for when you see all your old friends this holiday season? A real one this time?
There's good news and bad news for you this month, Capricorn. The good news is, the passing of the new moon means you'll have a two-day window of guaranteed sexual congress with any Libra you decide to woo. The bad news is, by the time you read this that two-day window will be long gone. Several weeks gone, in fact. We hope you accidentally capitalized on that and that we don't cock-block you again next month with late horoscopes.
Just like last month and next month, you'll have no trouble scoring in November, Gemini. To make it interesting, you should challenge yourself a little. We know you probably have some stories about the crazy places you've had sex, but have you ever got down at 4 a.m. in a sleeping bag in the Black Friday line outside of a Best Buy? That's an opportunity that comes only once a year, so don't waste it.
Speaking of heavenly bodies, Leos should get ready for a banner boning month, as Mercury enters retrograde near the end of November while the sun is in Sagittarius. As they're dealing with all that, you'll be busy getting down with Scorpio and Aquarius at least until mid-December, when Mercury comes home early and you have to swear that Pisces and Capricorn are just your long-lost cousins who dropped by for a surprise visit.
As the astrological gravy in the cosmic Thanksgiving dinner, Libras should feel good about themselves this month. You can do no wrong, sexually speaking. Find your “mashed potatoes” in an Aquarius for a traditional encounter, but really, you’ll get down with anything on the cosmic plate and those heavenly bodies will beg for seconds. Beware of belabored, overly complex metaphors this month, though, because nothing kills the food mood faster than an overturned gravy boat.
Things are going to start looking up for you this month in a big way, Cap- … Oh. Oops. We thought we were talking to Capricorn. Frankly, we didn't expect to see you back here after last month. Um, what can we say, Pisces? You’re like the cranberry sauce at the Thanksgiving dinner: No one actually wants you, yet you’re always there. You should strive to be more like candied yams. Are you a dessert? Are you a main course? Knowing who you are shows that you are confident, and confidence can sometimes lead to sex.
This month you’ll meet a Gemini who’s ready to party, Sagittarius, but your personality will be your undoing. You’re like a green bean casserole at Thanksgiving: Only grandma really likes you, and she can’t articulate why. Yes, you scored with a Virgo last month, but we put them up to that. Your sex drought should continue indefinitely, unless you save up some money and pay for it, which isn’t a bad idea, come to think of it.
You’re confident, capable, and fully willing to use alcohol to relax your standards, so if you’re not having sex this month, Scorpio, that’s a you problem. There’s definitely a Capricorn out there willing to bend to your every whim. No more excuses. Near the end of the month your disposition becomes fixated on water, your classical element, so keep an eye on that utility bill.
Life isn’t like the movies, Taurus, and you’re going to find that out to your sorrow this month. Cute young couples almost never hook up after meeting in the produce aisle. That’s just Hollywood. This month you’ll have much more realistic chances in the turkey aisle, where the crowds will be thick, and with all the talk of breasts, thighs and stuffing, the innuendo will be less subtle and more seasonally appropriate.
Virgos have a lot to be thankful for this November. You're the beneficiary of a domino effect in which we tricked Sagittarius into sleeping with Scorpio and so we tricked you into sleeping with Sagittarius to make up for that. So this month, we owe you one. Sagittarius wasn't so bad, right? Go back for some more of that, and this time you're going to make a little money in the deal. Don't think of it as prostitution, think of it as sex with a holiday bonus.

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