Down with this surt of thing Part 2, and Free State Elections

Down wi' this surt o' thing agin.

Edwin Poots has foun' hissel in wild bother again, this time o'er the heid o' Gay Folk an' their blood. Now Ah dinnae ken the full story, but it wud seem that there are some out there whit are mad for gettin' their hands on Gay Folk Blood, whilst Edwin thinks we shud let them keep it fur themselfs. Oddly this has come up fur in the England they have changed the rules to say that Fruits and the like can give blood, but oany if they havnae had sex in a year. This seems odd til me as it implies that oany ugly gay men who cannae git their end away can give blood, an guid lukkin' wans shudnae buther.

In a move which reflects the DUP's desire fur til make sure Northern Ireland is a fully signed up part o' the UK, Minister Poots has decided that we willnae fally suit, an' will continue til ban Gay blood fur "safety" reasons fur iver. Needless to say the Shinners and the UUP an' the like are gi'en aff about this, but Ah fur yin am backin' the Minister, as the sharin' o' Gay blood is likely fur til laid til the complete moral breakdown of oor society. Ah will demonstrate this logic fowerthwith.

• If ye get give gay blood, ye are likely til become a wee bit gay. This is proven by scientific studies carried out in Larne which proved that when give a wee bit o' gay blood o'erwise nat Gay (normal) men started likin' candles an' goin' til the gym an' o'er Gay hobbies. 
• If this trend continued there wud soon be a chronic cushion shortage across Northern Ireland, as previously straight men piled so many of them on their sofa that ye cudnae sit on it.
• In turn this wud lead til inflation in the candles an' cushions market, causin' womenfolk til become disgruntled an' potentially waste their money on shoes instead. 
• As a result o' this normal men who had nat been contaminated wi' Gay blood wud get cross wi' their wifes, fur they hardly noticed the candles an' cushions but now every time they opened the wardrobe shoes wud fall on them an' they'd fair notice thon. 
• This wud lead til an increase in divorces, and possibly a United Ireland, which is why the Shinners are in favour of it. 

Free State Presidential Elections

Ah hid pretty much ignored this fur Ah hidnae heard o' any o' the candidates an' cudnae care less tae be annest, til suddenly the whole thing livened up the o'er day. Ah refer, o' coorse, til the decision o' Marty McGuinness til stan'. 

In a move which wud potentially see the Free State take two o' oor bigger arseholes aff our hands in the space o' a year, Marty is lukkin' til join his friend Gerry workin' o'er the border, passibly whilst still claimin' in the North. 

Themuns in the Free State have bin doin' a wild lot o' slaggin' o' Marty as a candidate, but he seems til me tae be richt an' well qualified fur the jab. Ma unnerstannin' o' the role o' Free State President is that the main' jabs are stickin' yer nose in up here an' bein' heid yin o' some armed forces, both things Marty has a fair bit o' experience off. 

That said Ah feel unable til affer him ma full support in his campaign, an' thus Ah considered stannin' messel til affer the Ulster Scots o' the Free State a viable alternative. Howiver Ah hiv decided til step aside an insteid throw ma weight behine a mair viable candidate, namely Sir Jackie Fullerton. Ye can provide yer ain backin' here. 

"Luk at the shape o' us" say Orange Order Heid Yins.

TWATS

From the BBC Larne Newsdesk.

In a move designed fur til make their organisation a more popular, modern and attractive organisation, Orange Order leaders have announced that they are going to make giant sized arses of themselves on an intermittent basis. A spokesman from the Institution's newly formed "Look at us, look at us, we are a bunch of ringpieces" department, outlined the proposals. 

• Orangemen, particularly from the Sandy Row district, will replace the traditional bowler hat with a Victorian dunce cap. "The Dunce Cap was invented in Victorian times," said the LAULAUWAABOR spokesman, "And Queen Victoria was one of our greatest Queens. Thus we are showing our loyalty to the crown as well as our left field sense of humour."
• Additionally members will be encouraged to write ""wanker", "kick me", "twat" and "I like boys" on post it notes and stick it to each other's backs when on parade. The spokesman claimed that this would reflect the order's religious background and interest in history, in some way or other. 
• Prominent members, especially those in senior positions of the UUP, who stand near Catholics, look at them in any way, perhaps speak to one or buy something in a shop owned by one, will be ritually stoned to death at a new site near Ballymena. 
• Members of the DUP who do likewise will be ignored. 
• The traditional image of King Billy at the Boyne which bedecks so many banners will be replaced with a giant picture of a horse's arse. "It will be a protestant horse", said the spokesman, "and thus a protestant arse."
• "It would not be a catholic arse, no chance of that." He continued when pressed on the matter. 
• In future when complaints about members are made by one lodge or other, and it is the first item on the news, Orange Spokesmen will appear on that news item saying that the Institution's complaints procedure is a private matter which no one ever hears anything about because they are so good at being a secret organisation and never wash their dirty linen in public. It is to be hoped that the news folk will not point out that they are saying this on the news, for feck's sake, and that they are a bunch of tools. 

It is thought that further developments are likely. The Twelfth will move to April Fool's Day, Bands will be forced to play the theme tune to Fraggle Rock and a giant penis will be carried at the head of the procession by some old men dressed only in orange loin clothes. In making these changes the Order hopes that it will make Unionism, and the Unionist population generally, more respected around the world. 

Did you ever hear the like of it? Bunch of eejits. 

Down with this surt of thing.

From the BBC Aist Ards Desk. 

Thousands turn up til celebrate Ballyhalbert's Big Jessie Pride Parade.

A fair clatter o' folk lined the streets of Ballyhalbert city centre for the annual Big Jessie Pride parade on Saturday.

Now in its 21st year, the Ballyhalbert parade is claimed til be the smallest o' its kind in Ireland an largely ignored in the UK.

Massive religious protests by nutters were held along the route but the organisers of the parade said it was good for Ballyhalbert.

They said they hid went til significant lengths to make it 'family friendly'. This means they got a rake o' bouncy castles in.

The parade kicked aff a number of events over the weekend includin' a massive drinkin' session on Sunday.

Poitry Agin.

Ah hid occasion the day fur til raid "Oot an Aboot" the magazine o' the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. As heid yin o' the Real Ulster Scots Agency Ah rarely raid this brock, fur Ah hiv nae grant til put oot a magazine, insteid reliant on the powers o' the interweb til disperse ma cultural contributions. Ah clean near pished messel when a read a "poim" by some boy calt Wilson Burgess, dedicated til that icon o' Ulster Scots sport, Alex Higgins. Rarely in ma time as a Professor hiv Ah read such shite, writ like a wean fur a poitry campetition at wee school. It is 7 "verses" lang, sae Ah will oany copy a couple o' them oot fur yerselves.

Oor Alex, 
by Wilson Burgess.

"Frae the Jampot tae the Crucible
It made nae odds tae him
Oor Alex tuk on al' comers
An' he wid maistly win

In Seventy two in Birmingham
Hae tuk the place bae storm
Little did wae al' know then
That a Hurricane wiz born.

(etc fur fower mair verses, then his sad demise)

Whin ill health tuk its toll
Oor Alex: Fight hae didnae lack
Hae'll bae tellin' them in Heaven noo
Hae wiz snookered bae the Black."

Jaysus Ah thunk til messel, nat oany is this poim shite, it is nat even writ in prapur Ulster Scots. All this gaein "tae" places, nat "til", an' sayin' "hae" insteid o' "he" is jist made up. Mair til the point the boy is gettin' paid fur til write it, an', it saims, til gae roun' schools raidin' it oot til weans. This minded me o' ma ain' foul mouthed Bate Poitry that Ah writ a wee while ago. Aulder raiders micht mind it, but fur the rest o' yis here is a couple o' them.

Farmers.

Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Road Kill

Windaes rolled doon

The wireless blarin'

Parked up at the heid o' the toon

Lukkin' fur cuddies

Bullet heid lurkin'

Belaw the wheel o' the motor

Saits back, eyes deid

Wee feckers

Think they're in Ibiza

But they're nat,

It's Rathfriland

An' its pishin.

Tae which Ah add ma ain tribute til Alex Higgins. 

Oor Alex

by Professor Billy McWilliams.

Feg smokin' 

Drink takin'

Hat wearin'

Fast walkin'

Camp talkin'

Taylor threatenin'

Cantankerous Auld Bastard

Yer deid noo, so ye are.

Which is a wile shame

fur snooker is brock wi' oot ye. 

Ah am sure ye wud agree ma poims hiv their ain distinctive style an' are wurthy o' further dissemination. Thus Ah hiv capied them intil an escreed an' sent them til the o'er Ulster Scots Agency. We shall see if Ah tae can get a grant fur til write shite an' gae roun' schools borin' the arse aff weans. 

Phone Hacking - MLAs to quiz McWilliams.

Frae the BBC Aughnacloy Newsdesk.

Heid Yin of 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, and his assistant Dr Wullie McIlveen will be quizzed by Stormount MLAs later on about a phone hacking scandal.

The pair are expected to be questioned about what they knew about the phone hacking at 1690 an all thon, a website that publishes Ulster Scots related pish. It is the first time that Professor McWilliams has appeared before MLAs although he did once bare his arse near Edwin Poots and was lifted about something involving wikilaiks a while back, though what it was we can't remember.

It is understood that a variety of allegations have been made about the top Academics.

• That they hacked into Lovely Lesley Macaulay's mobile phone, deleting messages and leaving new ones that were wild rude. 
• In addition they hacked the phones of between 12 and 8000 top Ulster celebrities including the Big Lord Laird of Artigarvin, Rose Neill aff the news, Cecilia Daly and yer man Keith Burnside that used to do the Police 6 thing years ago on the UTV.
• That a laptap containing durty pictures was found in a bin near Dr McIlveen's house. He says he threw it out after a particularly heavy Buckfast session and that any durty pictures on it were put there by Professor McWilliams.
• That McWilliams has been getting photies of Ulster celebrities and the like, such as the one used to illustrate this article, and doctoring them using crap software he found on the internet, as well as making crude amateurish versions of party political broadcasts.
• That they have made up a language for the sole purpose of getting grants.
• That McWilliams has wasted the time of civil servants and business folk by sending in spurious applications to try to get small Ulster villages declared UK city of culture, the World Cup at Chimney Corner, Ian Paisley on Radio 2's Thought for the Day, gigantic bottles of Buckfast erected in Larne and Google to provide an Ulster Scots translation service.
• That McWilliams is in fact not an academic, has been making up historical things, and that McIlveen is a figment of his imagination.

The handsome and dashing Professor McWilliams vehemently denies the allegations and has refused to close down the his so called website. Speaking near a field he stated "Ah vehemently deny these allegerations, an' refuse fur til close doon ma so calt website."

Ulster Scots Olympiad

As yis will be aware, fur they niver gie o'er aboot it, the Inglis hiv the Olympic Games next year. Ah hiv til admit Ah missed a trick on thy'on, fur Ah shud hiv stuck in a bid messel. It wud hiv done the Ards economy nae end o' guid til hiv folk runnin fast round Kirkistown race track.

It has alsae nat escaped ma attention thit despite the fact it is the Great Britain an' NORN IRON Olympic team, none o' the events are bein' helt here, meanin' thit yer average Ulster Scot will hiv til travel til that Ingland til luk at Tie Quan Doh or whitiver. This Ah hope fur til rectify by puttin' taegither an Olympiad fur the Ulster Scot, featurin' all the tap sports o' the Hamely Folk. In turn it will provide a welcome boost til the tourism industry, fur Ah will invite teams frae the Ulster Scots diaspora til take part, makin' it a truly international event.

The Ulster team will wear the ootfit designed by Daveboy durin' oor high level discussions in the hoke oot thing on the side o' this page. Men will therefore wear dealer boots, an aff-white vest, janes wi' a wile baggy arse, a body-warmer an a sash. Weemen will wear the same but wi' flouncy dresses til below the knee an' American Tan Tights insteid o' janes. A flaming petrol bomb will be carried across Ulster afore being hurled intil an oil drum on tap o' a fleg pole til launch the event, tae the accompaniment o' a rake o' Lambegs. Fallyin' this openin' ceremony we will be trated til an extravagent display o' sportin' prowess, wi' venues across the pravince playin' host til a wide variety of sports.

Yin: Dippin'.

Whereas foreign surts swim, Ulster Scots prefer til gae fur a Dip. This consists o' wadin' oot o'er the seaweedy bits o' Portrush or Ballywalter strand, an then walkin' slowly aboot whilst shiverin'. Dippin' will be helt o'er a variety o distances an depths, wi' an elite category calt the dingy tow, where ye wade aboot wi a load o' cold weans in a rubber boat behine ye.





Twa: The Bouncy Castle.

The Bouncy Castle is now an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots culture. If ye are havin' a march, contentious or o'erwise, addin' a bouncy castle turns it intil a family fun day, thus eligible fur grant funnin'. Participants will bounce aboot in it, wi' marks giv fur nat fallin' aff or bangin yer heid aff ano'er competitor. Again an' elite category o' Pished Bouncy Castle will be included fur the expert.

Thrie: Hokin'

Helt in a big barn outside Ballynabragget, competitors will be give a series o' things til hoke fur in bran tubs. Fastest hoker wins obviously, but there will the appertunity to gain points by stylish hokin'. Incidentally Ah hid occasion til drive through Ballynabragget the o'er day an Ah saw a man that lukked wile like Melvyn Bragg aff the TV. Ah didnae take a photy though, fur thy'on wud hiv bin rude.

Fower: Gettin Red Up.

This will fally the hokin, as the latter is likely til lave a wile mess. Thus ladies will be required til get the place red up wile quick.

Five: Sangwich Makin'

Another Ladies only event. Weemen will make a variety o' sangwiches wile fast fur menfolk til ate in a tea tent after a parade. The sangwich varieties will be limited til Ulster Scots staples - Egg an' Onion, Ham, Cheese an' Ham, must be cut into triangles (fur that is pash) an' placed on yin o' them wee skinny trays that ladies have for such a purpose.

Sax: The Nat Madurn Pentathalon

As alsae discussed wi' Daveboy, this will combine tap Ulster Scots Activities intil a single sport. Participants will be expected til master haulin' yokes, lashin' stanes, diggin' sheughs, atin' sodas an' drinkin tay. This event will take place in a big mucky field ootside Dromara when it is clean pishin'.

Seven: Speed Danderin'

Much the same as the o'er folk Olympics "Speed Walkin'" only slower, wi' staps fur a natter wi' o'er competitors an' til luk o'er gates at sheep.

Ate: Barneyin'

This will replace baxin', an will involve havin' a quare barney wi' yer opponent whilst wearin' protective headgear. Winners will be decided by an expert judgin' panel or by a knackoot. an weight divisions will range Bantyweight through til Heiferweight.

Nine: Rakin'

Motor sports are generally excluded frae the Olympics, but nat the Ulster Scots yins. As well as Motorcycle road racin' roun' Tandragee, Kirkistown Race Track will play host til a rakin' competition. Young cubs wi' their sates tae far back in their motors will rake round the track at a quare lick, while playin' loud shite music. They will then drive til a petrol station an' talk til eacho'er through open windaes, before bein' taul aff by the RUC/PSNI fur havin' illegal nummerplates.

Ten: Pole Dancin' 

Nat really a sport, but then again neither is syncronised swimmin or beach vally ball an' Ah fancy judgin' it.

O'er matters. 

The pole bust on the last post, sorry about that, but it luks like Shite Ship is goantae win, barrin' a late surge frae Christine Bleakley, coincidentally somethin' Ah think on aften.

Gigantic Statue thing competition.

Ah was perusin' the news frae Scotland the o'er day an' come across a wee article describin' how they are fur gettin a gigantic statue type thing in Gretna til welcome folk o'er the border. Now in the England they hiv thon Angel o' the Nairth, an' they are chattin' aboot gettin a giant horse somewhere doon in the south. Maintimes we hiv feck all, an' Ah reckon this shud be rectified. Thus Ah hiv put ma heid taegither an' come up we some quintissentially Ulster Things which cud be stuck at papular arrival spats aroun' Norn Iron. Ah hivnae decided which yin Ah shud putt in fur a grant fur, an hape that yousuns will vote in the pole fur til help me wurk it oot.

Sculpture Yin:
Larne - The Buckfast o' The Nairth. 
Folk arrivin' will be greeted wi' a giant battle o' oor national drink wi' the added attraction o' stairs up inside it so ye can throw empty yins aff the tap at various bastards below.

Sculpture Twa:
Belfast - Big Bleakley

A statue o' oor finest export, atap the City Hall. Tourists will alsae be able til luk up her skirt frae unnerneath. At laist thy'on is whit Ah wud dae.

Sculpture Three:

Newry - Virgin Veda.

If yer on yer way in frae the Free State, perhaps havin' gat lost an ended up there accidentally there wud be nathin' better til greet ye than an unsullied giant loaf o' oor national bread.

Sculpture Four:

Belfast alternate - Shite Ship

Belfast folk are uncannily proud o' havin' built a big shite ship, so we shud mark this by stickin' it in the middle o' the Lough in a manner which best marks whit it is famous fur. 

Sculpture Five:

DerryLondonDerryLondon - Bright Lights, Shite City.

A tribute til oor second city's favourite pastime, wi' the added benefit o' gettin' rid o' thy'on "Hands across the Divide" brock which a child cud hiv come up wi'. The flaming tap will alsae be handy fur finin' yer way back til the Waterside shud ye get stuck amung the o'er surt after dark. 

Anyhow thon is yer lat, get votin' an' Ah'll start til fill in the farms fur DCAL.