spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Patrick.

What do you get when you add a crazy conspiracy theorist and quasi-legendary blob of leopard’s fanny batter to the Daily Mail? Nothing, it’s completely normal, and the only mystery is exactly how it took Paul Dacre this long to start throwing money at James Delingpole for writing exactly what his audience of 1 million pumped up twats want to read. Which is apparently a cringingly ignorant assessment of how Marxism is starting to erode our values because the BBC have shifted from using AD and BC to CE and BCE. Which they haven’t. But screw it, it’s something to do a defanged puff adder impression over.

BRAVO! A great article, but is anyone listening? I feel that it’s a lot like Nazism which crept in to Germany insidiously over time. If we don’t wake up to this creeping threat, then 1984 will be here sooner than we realize.
David , Darlington, England

Yes, to paraphrase Pastor Niemoller, first they came for the little letters at the end of dates, but I did nothing because I’m not a little letter at the end of a date. Then they came for the incorrect use of semicolons, but I did nothing because I know how to use a semicolon properly. Then they started herding free-thinking Britons onto trains, but I did nothing because they always complained that the trains never showed up, so how was I to know they didn’t want to go on the trains when they finally arrived? Then they started using knowledge they’d gained to change things, but it was too late, because I’m nearing retirement and still work in a low-level customer service job, and I don’t like change, so I got on the Daily Mail website and made a comment about how it’s all turning into Nazi Germany and 1984, and then I felt slightly better. But my boss is still a woman and a lot younger than me. And apparently she doesn’t go to church.

“Oh come on! Pretty much anyone who reads or studies history are well aware of BCE, its been widely used for decades, and is now standard practice in many universities in America as well as here.” – Chris, Dorset.
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Jesus, that was Delingpole’s point. People who “have studied history”, ie people who have gone through tertiary. Outside of that, who else has?
Another Jeff, London

I know for a fact they specifically restrict books on history to those people who’ve got a degree in it. Last time I was in Waterstones, I tried to buy a Simon Schama book and was flatly refused because I couldn’t produce any documentation certifying I had at least an upper second class honours degree in history, or at least 48 level 3 credits in pre-Enlightenment historical analysis! Why should so-called “intelligent” people get to “use” their “education” to do “things”? How dare people “study” “history” at “university” and then “apply” that “knowledge” or “otherwise” try and make “people” “aware” that “their” ill-formed “rant” was “predicated” on complete bollocks? It’s just not sporting, telling someone they’re wrong.

I’m sorry, Chris from Dorset, but we’re British around here, and we get more British the more we think about people using knowledge they’ve learned from going somewhere we haven’t been and doing something we haven’t done. Unless it’s Richard “Hamster” Hammond, of course. Then we’re all too keen to learn how Hornby train sets ruled the world. As long as he looks suitably ignorant and childishly amazed while a credible boffin explains things in simple sentences. When you phrase things right, it’s not that hard to understand the complex stuff. Who needs a university degree to learn all about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle when Richard Hammond has just covered it with a toy car and a loofah in twenty seconds?

We built an empire on flat-out ignorance and thinking anything we don’t have to do is simple. And we’re so proud of it that if you dare come around here with your fancy book-learning, we’ll give you what for by letting you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we know fuck all and we’re proud of it! Imperial British logic, Chris from Dorset. Quail and cower in its presence:

All atheists are anarchists by nature; and all anarchists are parasites by design that enjoy feeding off the misery endured by the vulnerable. The vulnerable of course are all those Religious individuals who wouldn’t wish their worse fears on anybody else. All anarchists should be asked the simple question :- ” when did you decide to be born “.
Catch-42, Macclesfield, England

Chris, Dorset: pay close attention. This is the kind of supreme logic that made sure the sun never set on the British Empire. And not one piece of tertiary, secondary or primary education is involved. Just a whole one point seven five imperial pints of horse piss direct from Catch-42′s brain.

Thanks to Tom and Piers for spotting Professor Emeritus of Yeah, But and Ah-ha, You Didn’t Think Of That, Did You at Fucking Heidelberg, Mike Solomons. He’s just what you need when science raises its ugly head above the parapet: a man ready with a loaded gun full of impenetrable logic ready to shoot it down.

Speed in relation to what? Is the speed of light supposed to be absolute or relative to its immediate surroundings? Remember the test route is travelling in space due to movement of the earth.

Maybe the calculations need to include speed of rotation of the earth, rotation around the sun, and movement of our solar system in space.

Or maybe Einstein’s theories were incomplete.
Mike Solomons

Yes, he forgot to compensate for the Bell-End Effect. That’s where the collective drag on the rest of the universe of someone with half a shit idea slows the speed of light down so much that the observer tries to commit suicide using a drinking straw from a Capri-Sun. It’s demonstrated by measuring Nelson’s Constant – where the IQ can never be more than one – and doing something proper sciency to that until you reach the Massive Fucking Fanny Horizon, where everything you read from self-congratulating helmet cheesers on the internet just becomes one huge, coagulated mess of monkey spunk dribbling down a laptop screen.

Look, here’s the equation:

Solve for X.

Thanks to Robert, who found this.

Stuart_MCFC
24 Minutes ago
Those knocking the BBC for publishing this article – do you not want any criticism of capitalism?
>>>>>>>>>

I think people like myself dislike the BBC’s left wing bias is because we have seen what happens when socialism take over and are not fooled by the romatanic lie. The milions killed under the name of socialism / communism would only want us to expose it.
AuntieLeft

Yes, I fully expect that the victims of totalitarian orders around the world are, at this very moment, looking down on the BBC and decrying just how disgusting their output is, and how it’s exactly like what they went through when they were alive. Especially the prison camps, the secret police and the constant, creeping fear you get every time you tune into BBC Four.

And I’m sure that they’re up there in heaven right now and cheering you on for your indefatigable crusading, only too happy that you’re doing your level best to fight against the injustices they suffered by getting on the internet literally every day and making at least one overly-dramatic, borderline messianic blog comment about the BBC that hardly anyone reads.

Adapting Churchill, “Capitalism is the worst system, except for all the others”. Capitalism has issues – but it’s still our best bet.

Also, the author is mistakenly fixated with Western economies. Globally, capitalism is working better than ever. In 30 years of capitalism, hundreds of millions of people in China & India have been lifted from poverty.

If Marx lived, he would retract his thesis.
Matt Hunter

Nah, I think he’d just hand it over to you and let you swap some words about to vaguely prove a point you thought you had, just like Churchill would have. Yes, I know he said “democracy”, but you’re right, what he actually meant was “whatever the fuck that twat Matt Hunter wants it to say.”

Fair cop, though – I’m sure as hell if Marx were around today he wouldn’t bother with any manifestos to free men from their chains. He’d go for something simpler. Like, “Fuck me, I’ve just been reading the BBC website, and what a bunch of cunts those people commenting on there are. I reckon I’d rather stick my beard in a cotton gin than have to read through all that shite produced by those self-important fuckwits. All hail dictatorship of the bourgeoisie, because if those Have Your Say wankers have the vote we’re all fucked.”

On that Whitfield chap. Nestled away amongst people saying they didn’t know who he was, and people who’ve confused Spartacus with reality, was found this:

I shake my head in wonder and sadness at our readiness to sacrifice our beautiful and precious talent on the alter of political correctness that will not allow even the mention of alternative cancer treatments in the public venue, in spite of the overwhelming scientific evidence that some of them work very well.
think

Hollywood has a severe lack of proponents of weird health alternatives, yes. Why don’t you grind up your computer into a poultice, cram a quart of bee stingers up your pooper, cut all your fingers off, drink a bottle of rat piss and fuck off over there on a public awareness campaign? I’m not saying it’ll cure cancer, but it’ll certainly put you out of my gradually expanding misery. Which is probably better than curing cancer, in a lot of respects.*

*The ones that involve me.

Thanks to Lisa. Here’s Clive, from Oxford. You know, where you find punts.

Women of child bearing age are the problem! i.e. from 15 to about 45-50. It’s why they can only work in the public sector and menial/trivial jobs like services and cleaning. Who in their right mind would hire a woman??? The REALITY is work for women is privilege not a right, so in times of great stress, caused by wishful thinking (banks extended all that credit for profit AND to pull the masses up from the gutter, admittedly for future profit), the British people have to compromise and yes, SACRIFICE for their survival. Women just have to take a step back for a while, stop emasculating the wealth creators, and continue to propagate the species! Did they forget what their PRIAMRY role is? I’m sure the feminists are all up in arms, but men didn’t create humans, so it’s not our fault that women have children while we work!
Clive, Oxford, UK

Who would in their right mind would hire a woman? Not Clive, who’s clearly in his right mind, and who has a really firm grasp on the situation. If the situation was his cock, and the really firm grasp was caused by his miserable sense of self-loathing and the tears that flow bitterly from his eyes as he finds himself passed over for opportunities by women who came from the public sector and turned out to be much better at his job than he ever was. And, curiously enough, not grossly offensive people.

But hey, don’t go thinking Clive’s a middle-aged blimp with a gender-based inferiority complex who can’t stop having angry wanks. No. I’m sure that’s not the case of all. It’s just nature. And you can’t blame nature, or Clive for pointing it out, no matter how many times you’ve read The Female Eunuch.

So, ladies – step up to the plate, and take it on the chin. Or in the vagina. Whichever’s easier. And when you’ve saved the country by quitting work and having babies on some kind of production line system, just remember to thank Clive for pointing out nature and shit. You’ll find him in the empty women’s bogs at work, staring at the tampon machine and having an angry wank.

Thank fuck for David Starkey, eh? Here he is, eloquently arguing that he’s not racist by saying, basically, that “some of my best mates are black and look, some coloureds agree with me”. Have a read. You’ll see how deep a man can actually dig a hole.

While you’re reading that finely sifted horseshit – and the lumpy horseshit that makes up the comments section – remember to thank Charlie, who braved it all to find us some people who were decidedly less than eloquent about how they’re not racist and it’s all just cultural. Or genetic. Or both.

I await with interest the public explosion when some scientist shows that there IS a genetic difference in the races. I have taught mathematics for 45 years and in that time I have noticed that Japanese, Chinese, Indian and some white students thrive in abstract concepts -essential in advanced mathematics – but that sub-Saharan Africans find the whole subject a bore. This may be because I am a boring individual but then there might be other reasons.
tony2back

Yes. There might be. It might be because you Tipp-Exed numbers onto everyone’s foreheads because you couldn’t tell them apart otherwise. Incidentally, we’re on the lookout for the gene that makes people overrate their made-up anecdotal evidence. Can you help out? It’ll take five minutes with a sub-Saharan African and a small cup.

I am married to a Chinese woman.

Based on their different genetic make up and cultural background I could tell you a great deal of different characteristics between her and my white Caucasian sister.

The ability to get things down from high shelves without the use of a stool would be the first that springs to mind. My wife’s work ethic which puts everyone else I know to shame being the second.

By the definition of the word any realist is in fact a racist different ethnic make up equals’ different characteristics fact.
sailor25

See, this is why I bother with this shit. It’s to find out things you couldn’t possibly know until some prepackaged fanny puts it on the internet – in this case, I just found out that my wife, who’s been working 60 hour weeks lately and can’t reach the top shelf in the supermarket, is Chinese. You live and learn. Except for sailor25. He lives and becomes a bit stupider every day. It must be all the Chinese food his wife is inevitably good at cooking. Because she’s from China and she’s a woman! See! It’s genetics! And culture!

I’m bored of this now. It might seem a bit premature, given that there’s 2,000 comments on there, but I got utterly sick of reading through debates made up of mindless bollocks spunked out by unmitigated realists, who, by pure chance, are all being realistic about black people.

Oh, alright, one more.

Listen to David Lammy: an archetypical successful black man. If you turned the screen off, so you were listening to him on the radio, you’d think he was white.
David Starkey

Yeah. And if I turned the screen off, so I was listening to you on the radio, I’d still think you were some kind of cuntish pseudo-celebrity trying to increase his exposure by aiming right for where his Daily Mail reading target audience like to be tickled. But if it helps, I’d also think you were white.

Letter to West End Extra. From a cunt, naturally.

FINALLY, Westminster Council have got serious in their plans to end rough sleeping in the borough, and the horrible soup runs and daily begging which blight the areas off Victoria Street.

I am a local resident, and have been for 25 years. I have spoken to many rough sleepers, and virtually all of them have serious problems with alcohol, drug abuse and or mental health / personality disorder.

The longer they stay on the streets the worse their problems become, to the point where it is almost impossible for them to live productive or constructive lives.

The truth is that many of them in Victoria and in Westminster have chosen to sleep on the streets and subsidise their drug / alcohol abuse by getting free food from the soup kitchens and spending every penny of their own money – made from begging or from benefits – on their drugs and alcohol.

Soup kitchens and people who give them money are, in reality, keeping them on the streets, dependent and irresponsible, making sure they never face up their problems or responsibilities.

The city council is absolutely right to do everything it can to make rough sleeping, begging and soup kitchens unacceptable in the UK in 2011.

It’s great, too, that the homeless charities have finally realised that rough sleeping, soup kitchens, begging, actually is the worst response possible.

People must be forced in their own best interests to accept the help that is offered from charities and the state.

It should no longer be their choice to live like this and force residents to put up with the attendant disorder, violence, anti-social behaviour.

Well done Westminster!

GR
Address supplied, SW1

The other day actually, me and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. In the end, we decided to find some poor, lost soul without even a roof over his head, and help him find the motivation to get off the street. To face up to his responsibilities and lead a productive, constructive life. To resist the lure of free soup and cups of tea and move into a lovely two-bed semi in Dorset. And what did we get in return? A stream of verbal abuse. Fucking ingrate.

Blah blah riots.

Thanks to Charlie.

just inmagin if we go through a national crisis like japan or food shortages or some pandemic just like nostradamus predicted humans will eat humans if anyone disagree just look at the above footage again we are becoming animals and animals becoming more civilised cant even think what it would be like if the goverment collapsed.
monjur

Right. You watch some twats mugging a kid with a bloody face, it doesn’t take a huge leap of the imagination to see them sat naked on their haunches, cocks swinging like little aubergines, chewing greedily on that same kid’s upper arms and thighs. And oh-ho, what’s this? One of them is happily lapping up his brain, holding the head like a punch bowl. See the look on the face there: a disgusting cocktail of agony, disbelief and horror, a frozen moment, like the kind of sick fuck Halloween mask you might find hanging in a weird, UV-lit, back-street novelty shop in Blackpool.

This is what happens when you take your eye, even momentarily, off the lower orders. As Nostradamus predicted: “The hooded ghost shall shatter the invisible wall / His bounty now within his grasp / Cities shall crumble and nations collapse / At his feet, clad in boxfresh Filas.”

Only the government can prevent this nightmare from becoming reality. With shrieking, reactionary politics and the kind of iron-fisted authoritarianism Michael Howard might’ve drawn the line at, they can force the revolting peasants back down where they belong, if not further. But they can’t do it without your help.

If you donate just £5 a month, we can supply the government with water cannon, baton rounds and funds for entertaining senior representatives of the tabloid press.

Together, we can deny them a future. Together, we can drain them of hope. Together, we can gang-fuck the poor.

Thanks to Ros, who found Asquith going on about… well, I don’t know. But apparently it’s riot related.

If the army is sent in, that in itself will be a national humiliation.

Its important to remember that women (the Base Unit) are programmed to measure men by social status (Alpha, Beta, Omega), which means that men, who are little more than USB Flash Drives that are plugged into women, have no reason or purpose to live without their “functionality.”

Human Beings basically do Three Things:

1. Create
2. Fuck
3. Destroy

If a man cannot do 1 or 2, then many will turn to 3.

Don’t forget the lack of male teachers, too.Only role models for boys are thick footballers and idiot rappers.
Asquith

Oooh, I don’t know mate. I’m sure you could be a decent male role model. After all, what society really needs right now is men who can turn everything into a diatribe about their inability to form or maintain relationships with the opposite sex, taking their own failures and extrapolating them into the root cause of big, complicated issues because it’s just common sense.

Not that I’m comfortable with these dangerous assumptions, you understand. But if the cap fits – and preferably has a slogan on it about how everything is the fault of women – then, well, you should probably wear it. And then march in the street holding a big placard that says something like, “UNDERVALUED BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS” or “I AM NOT JUST A PENIS, BASE UNIT”.

You could even riot. I note that the vast majority of the rioters consisted of socially retarded single males who got sick of watching too much internet porn and making shit up, the closest they got to fucking and creating. Well, actually, I just assumed it because of the blinding glare off the surface of the pasty-white crowd when they got close to the bits of society that were burning to the ground.

Please don’t blame me for this, ladies. It’s not really my fault, this tendency to assume things. The missus unplugged me without clicking the ‘safely remove hardware’ button first.

Here’s a parrot that can speak Urdu. And here’s a bell-end who thinks the parrot has learned English.

So a Parrot can learn Urdu as well as English while a bloke in Pakistan gets his wife to sue the British Government because HE refuses to learn English, and unless he does we won’t let him migrate here. It sort of puts things in perspective dosn’t it!
Marshian, Romney Marsh

Yep, sure does. For instance, I’m a long way away from you right now, but even from here I can tell that your brain is very, very small. Incidentally, the parrot can also bark like a dog, so you can expect him to start making comments on the Daily Mail website any day now.

are you crackers? it’s a PARROT!
rosy bertram, essex

That was quick! Also, hilarious.