Saturday, December 28, 2002

*plops down in front of computer like a cruddy ragdoll being abandoned* I guess Christmas is over, if I can really call this Christmas Christmas at all. )c: I had to be at the airport to pick Dad up on Christmas day and I waited around for like 4 hours with my stomach just totally churning because I was so nervous about how angry he must be. I had a nice snack of ten fingernails to distract em a little while I waited, lol. Surprise surprise! Dad never showed. Probably some kind of 'lesson' to teach me...something. Whatever, my Dad's become such an asshole. His official explanation was that he had urgent business and he'd be coming on another flight later. Later translated into tomorrow, which is when I'll get to repeat the nervous waiting process thing in a nasty, emotionless airport. Blech. I'm just as angry at him as I am scared of how angry he is at me, and I'll definately be returning some of the SPITE in spades. GRRRRRRR!!! >:-( Why can't he see how much of a dick he's being? This is for MOM, and he's all selfishly worried about what 'people will think'. Whatever man, don't be such a pathetic asshole. You practically don't even LIVE here anymore. *grits teeth*

Sometimes I wonder if my Dad actually is married to some Japanese woman and has this whole other family and stuff, this whole other life and now he's just kind of decided he likes them more than his family in America and he's just abandoning us. And he doesn't want Tanner-Simpson snooping around because he's afraid his super-secret family will be found out. Ugh. In the past I could never have thought of anything so terrible from my own father and halfway believe it could be true. That would seem kind of nice in a perverse way or whatever if that was true, because that would mean he's so worried because he wants to protect me from the 'truth' of his secret family so I won't be all shattered, as if I'm not already. But! But if that was true then it's just him being selfish so he can have some sort of backup family in case his young Japanese wife decides to leave him for some reason. *feels like a pot of boiling water* Fuck him! Fuck him and his secret family and their secret children!

At least I had Julian and Mr. Tanner-Simpson's gifts to open. It wasn't even about the gifts at all though. The gifts kind of showed that they actually care about me. LOL Um...that's why 'it's the thought that counts' is a quote I guess. (c; Julian totally tricked me! He gave me this big box which I had no CLUE what it could have been. When I opened it I found out it was more than one thing, a cute little maneki neko statue (gawd, I can't even imagine where he found it at, it's not like they're very popular here), a phonebook (lol, to make the box feel heavier, I hope!), a book about Native American folklore (it made me kind of sad because all I could think of was Joe and his wonderful story he gave to me), and these little gold teardrop earrings (I have them on right now!). Gawd, NOT ONLY does he care, but he even knows about me and what I like! How unfortunate that that has to be a rare quality in people. How fortunate it is that I found a person who has that rare quality. I probably don't deserve Julian at all because I'm probably not even that kind of rare person no matter how hard I try and WANT to be and I'm probably just as horrible and selfish as my Dad is being and since I'm so selfish I can't even tell I'm being that way. Ugh. I CANNOT let myself get started on that kind of thinking because I'll just fret all night if I let it go on. *talk to the hand 'cause the brain ain't listening* LOL OK, that was totally lame. Like me. Anyway...Mr. Tanner-Simpson actually got me a present even though I'm just some girl from some case he's working on, which totally touched me. He got me a cd of Christmas music by some group he said he really enjoys called Manheim Steamroller. LOL *cringes* Um...well...I hate the music, lol. But I DO appreciate that he was thinking of me and made such an effort for just me, I mean, just for ME! (c: *giant hugs to Mr. Tanner-Simpson* and *GIANT hugs AND kisses to Julian*

All I got Julian was a new book by some writer he likes and one of those page-a-day calendars with 'inspirational quotes'. I can't even remember the name of the author. *deep sigh of disgust with self* See how I am? There's no way I deserve Julian. But don't tell HIM that, lol. As long as I can keep him fooled into somehow liking me.... And I didn't even get Mr. Tanner-Simpson anything, which is amking me feel awful. How can I get him something now? I can't. I just have to endure feeling like an exposed boob whenever I talk to him for the next, oh, 30 or 40 years. *slams face into wall*

As yucky as my Christmas was Ray's parents Christmas had to be a zillion times worse. I guess Ray had been staying at some homeless shelter but then stopped coming only like one day before Ray's parents found out about him going there. Nobody knows where he is still but at least it seems more likely he's OK and not.......you know. I still don't know anything about the burglary or vandalization of whatever it was of the house. But I do know they suspect Ray when they should be suspecting North, who is INSANELY being allowed to roam free until his trial. Even though Ray's so totally not himself and stuff anymore I'm not really worried about him trying to pull anything. It's North that I'M really worried about. The patrol cars have stopped coming by every hour and I've been getting phonecalls that just hang up on me. At least I think I've been getting phonecalls. I hardly sleep anymore. Or I do sleep and I just can't tell or something. It's really fucking confusing and frustrating. :-@ <===*screams* I think I might have to be a character witness in North's trial and I'm completely scared he's going to try and influence me or even worse 'eliminate' the 'problem'. But the police seem to think the whole burglary thing was too coincidental in its timing with Ray's escape from the mental health facility and they're much more concerned about HIM. *sighs* Whatever, whoever. I just want the threats to go away so I can just SLEEP at night instead of this whatever. I worry and worry while I'm awake and then have these nightmares while I'm asleep.

For example last night I had this nightmare that the faeries had caught me and they were totally cutting me up and I can actually remember the pain while they were turning me into mulch. It was horrifying. I can't go to a doctor because I know he would just lock me away. I've ruled that out. I HAVE to find a way to get normal again. )c: Sometimes things are OK, but then like today I just kept hearing Puck laughing for like 4 hours straight. It's starting to make me act irrationally, which scares me. I opened the door and tried to get Puck to run away even though I know he's not REALLY doing and saying all these horrible things. I just lost it and tried to make him go away. What if he ran away? What if he got lost and starved? Puck is just an innocent cat that's being put in jeopardy by his nutso owner. *cries* I feel so horrible about poor Puck. What will I do next? Actually hurt him? I just don't know what to do. When he's cackling at me or taunting me even though it's not him doing it I just can't help but feel like it IS him no matter how insane I know that is. I can't take this much longer. I wish I could just kill myself and rid the world of my miserable self. Natural selection or something, as Remner would say. Ugh.

I'm sure Brett and Cheryl would love having the house for themselves. And I know North would be satisfied. And I probably only drove Ray insane, so he might actually benefit from me being dead. And Patrick probably couldn't care less, as long as he could make some little jokes or whatever. And Minnie and Brandan wouldn't mind having me as a persistent reminder gone. And Dad would love it if he didn't have to worry about me and my big mouth anymore so he could live at peace with his secret family. To my teachers I'm probably just another test paper they have to score. Chris is too oblivious with his swatches and marbling techniques to care at all. Even Julian probably secretly hates me and is just too nice to say it and he has his own problems already with his brother. And if my dreams are even the tiniest bit true the faeries would LOVE it if I died. )c;

I probably couldn't actually commit suicide so don't get your self-righteous pants in a bind. I'll probably wish I had when I pick Dad up tomorrow. Maybe with him in the house again I'll at least be able to get some sleep...while I'm confined to my room. lol

*hugs*

PS Gwynn actually left a message on the machine today! Gawd knows what she wants. *fingers crossed* I could use a friend!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Puck says Santa won't be bringing me anything this year, and the little monster is probably right. I mean, Dad didn't send me anything, not that it matters since he should be here at the end of the week. I kind of think he's probably not in the present giving mood after his last phone when he totally screamed at me. I don't know. Sitting here I keep thinking about Christmas when Mom and Grandfather were still around. Mom love completely the holidays and she would go so out of here way decorating the housing, making cookies and buying everyone the most perfect presents. I don't know how she did everything because God knows Brett and I weren't any help, well, especially Brett who was always off pouting somewhere like the big baby he's always been. Mom's excitement was pretty contagious though, even getting Dad totally into the season. He'd always try to get Mom under the mistletoe and kiss her. They'd giggle like little kids. I really remember, though, on Christmas Eve how Grandfather would always tell us the most fabulous and amazing stories about faeries and elves and Santa. I would be so mesmerized sitting on his lap next to the Christmas tree listening to him. Everything was so beautiful. The ornaments sparkling, Manny batting at the tinsel, all of the stacks of presents, the smell of dinner cooking, the unbearable excitement to open presents . . .

Tonight I've just sat in the dark, cold living room flipping through channels trying to ignore Puck's mean comments. I don't even bother to throw things at him today like I did yesterday. He just dodges whatever I try to smash his head in with and resumes assaulting me with his awful comments. Even now he's remind me about yesterday when I went to Alley Cat Records and I don't even know how he could know. I haven't said a word about it to anyone, not that I have anyone to say anything to right now. I certainly don't want to burden Julian who got back yesterday with his brother. I mean, Julian called to see how I was doing and even tried to convince me again to come to his house for Christmas, but it just didn't seem right. Christmas is for family . . . except I don't seem to have any anymore. Listen to me! I'm a dope. Even Mr. Tanner-Simpson invited me to spend Christmas with his wife and children and I turned them down. At least, I guess, both Julian and Mr. Tanner-Simpson both gave me presents, but I don't plan to open them until Christmas morning because that's what we would always do. Mom would make french toast and scrambled eggs and we would all get comfy in the living room around the Christmas tree . . .

I'm so pathetic. I should talk about Alley Cat. I should get it out of my system. Maybe it will disappear completely out of my head if I do. I went there yesterday after school thinking I was going to buy myself a Christmas present. I even planned to wrap so I would have something open because no one had given me anything and I also hoped to find something for Julian. It would be a total bonus if Cletus was there becaus I feel like I haven't seen him in forever. He always seems like he's out. Anyway, as soon as I went in to Alley Cat I felt sick to my stomach. I quickly turned around and left as fast as I could before anyone saw me. I couldn't take it. I felt like scream. I completely wanted to smash things. I just couldn't hand seeing Cheryl there giving Brett a kiss at the cash register. It was too much. It shouldn't be happening. I feel like it's Brett's sole aim in life to destroy everything that is important to me. I so wanted to barf at the thought that he had taken Cheryl away from me, which makes everything so obvious to me now I feel like a total idiot. FUCK YOU, BRETT! FUCK YOU, CHERYL! I HOPE YOU BOTH BURN IN HELL! To make matters even worse, I also saw Matthew and Patrick talk to each other in the Rock/Pop section of the store. It was almost as if they were all conspiring against me or putting on a special play to just hurt my feelings. Well, let me tell you: I definitely don't need any help wishing I could disappear. The whole universe reminds me every second I am awake.

Maybe I feel so crappy today because of the hideous dream I had last night. I haven't been able to shake that out of my head either. It was so vivid. I was eating this disgusting grey mealy food in this delapidated restaurant when all of sudden I started to notice all of the people sitting around me. At one table Joe and my mom sat chatting. At another Grandfather sat with Manny on his lap with Chann sitting across from him. I totally felt compelled to try to say something to them so I quickly got up and tried saying hello but they all totally ignored me, continuing with their conversations. I was so frustrated I burst out crying and when I woke up my face completely soaked with tears. You wouldn't believe how quickly I jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom to clean my face, Puck suddenly appearing and following me. Thank god I was able to close the bathroom door before he could get in and terrorize me. Once I was safe, I turned on the hot water faucet and moistened a cloth. It was so great on my face! I was completely more relaxed and ready to make some breakfast and face Puck. As soon as I was in the hallway I immediately thought it was weird that Puck wasn't there. Then I started to hear this odd thumping sound behind me and I turned around and completely froze when I saw all like what seemed like hundreds of these little thin, silver men in rags running towards swinging clubs and sharp metal objects and shouting at me. At first I couldn't understand what they were saying but then I realized it was "Kill her. Kill her." You wouldn't believe how fast I jumped back into the bathroom and locked the door. I could hear them outside trying to get in too, stuff scraping against the door and ramming into it and making it shudder. I didn't know what to do. I sort of just gave up and curled up in the bathtub, passing out as I heard this cat start to screeching outside too.

God, the worst part is that I know it was just another dumb dream. I especially hate the ones where you think you have woken up but you haven't. It totally creeps me out for days, making everything around me seem funny in a quirky way. Really, I guess, the worst worst part is that I must have been sleep walking, which I haven't done in forever, because I actually did wake up in the bathtub. I so need to keep it together. I am so falling apart into a trillion pieces. I can't be going all soft in the head like Ray, though. I just can't be.

Enough of all this. I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll be able to shut the door before Puck gets in to bother me and keep me up. Merry Christmas and all that, I guess, though the holidays don't seem very happy to me right now. Good night or whatever. *sort of a hug*

Sunday, December 22, 2002

*Frets like a guitar* I'm back in the house now, awaiting my DEATH at the hands of my dad, who is flying back right away because he's so PISSED about the house being broken into and my defiance of his gawdlike orders. Ugh. He's not flying back for Christmas, he's flying back to see the house, not me, not even Brett. )c: I can tell you the sparks will fly when he gets back! I'm pissed at him and he's pissed at me, but I'm the RIGHT one this time. He totally accused me of leaving the door open on the phone. And he's told me for like the millionth time to stop talking to Tanner-Simpson. He SCREAMED it into the phone last night and hung up on me. Gawd, I don't think I've ever made him this mad. But you know what? I don't give a fuck how mad he is. I've hardly seen him at all this entire year while he's off on his super secret business which I don't even know what it is and he's still trying to tell me who I can and can't talk to even though I'm 18 now and it's not like Tanner-Simpson is a bad guy. He's trying to help and my dad is putting me between a rock and a hardship with his irrational fears about people spreading rumors about him again.

*convulses* The police are driving by like once an hour, and that's actually helping me alot. I have nowhere else to go so I HAVE to stay here, but I am just so fucking nervous. I am walking on egg cartons here. Ugh. I cleaned everything up and cried for like two straight hours about how great a loss those journals being stolen are. *cries* Well, I almost cried there. I feel like crying, if that counts. I can't even figure out why someone would steal my Grandfather's journals except to hurt ME, which makes me believe whoever did it knows me. Why else? I completely told the police about North being out on bail and Ray being 'lost' from the Mental Health Center. I don't know who to suspect. Gawd, I guess it could even be my brother. GRRRRRRR!!! >:-( If it IS him and I find out so help me I think I'll literally rip him to pieces! What makes me feel even safer tan the patrol car is knowing Mr. Tanner-Simpson is keeping an eye out for me. He's really been changing my opinion of law enforcement single-handedly. *giant smiles* (c:

Ray still hasn't been found. I went with Ray's mom looking for him today. She had me yell for him out the window because she seems to think he's more likely to come to me than to her. Um...that was strange. I just did it anyway, even though I think actually walking around and talking to people would have worked better. Ugh. Whatever. Ray definately got his mental illness from his mom's side of the family, if he inherited it. It's freezing cold out and I can't imagine Ray being able to live out there for too long. And the way he's become, all totally different and everything, I can't imagine him hiding out at a friend's house or anything either. I just hope against hope he's safe and that he can be found. I feel so drained thinking about Ray and the Uldras in general. I thought it couldn't be anything but a positive experience, one way or the other, and all it's been is this big pothole with cigarette butts in it. Chip, Ray, Chris, Patrick and Matthew, what an emotional mess. I can't really think of anything positive that came from being in the Uldras. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy I got to know Ray and even Chris. I don't know. *sighs and shrugs* I'm afraid Ray is gone for good. The luckiet part of my house being broken into is that the cops seem to think it was him, and if that means they look for him even the tiniest bit harder then I guess my grandfather's journals have been sacrificed for a good cause. Ray, for a guy I barely know you're costing me alot! lol

Remner is fucking psycho. I finally told him never to talk to me again, I've just had it with his nonsense. Blech. Oh gawd, I shouldn't even put it in here because I apparently have 'believability' issues as is. Yes, folks, this is how Lawrence Kansas really IS. We must be the dump site for a bunch of mental patients from New York or Delaware or something. lol *;-)* But I have heard of that kind of shit happening. A mental hospital will shut down or release a patient and just give him a bus ticket to some unfortunate city, like completely knowing the mental patient is still all 'disturbed' (that's what they like to say, 'disturbed', like a mental patient is some guy in a hotel whose hanging door sign was ignored and BLAM! here's the consequences, lol). Um...I seem to have gone astray there. OK, anyway, Remner called me to tell me all about how he's doing. *gags* He's so selfish, always talking about how HE thinks this or HE thinks that when all he's thinking is stuff he picked up from other sources. OK, I know you may think I'm selfish because all I talk about is my life, but this IS my journal. I'm supposed to talk about me here. So please don't bother sending me any emails calling me a hippogriff or whatever, because I'm not and you can just go to hell (or Iraq, whichever comes first). Anyway, Remner told me he's hooked up with a few other of these 'evolutionary theists' and they're ascending toward godhood by acting like the primates we are. It's like taking the philosophy of all those people that think we should act like animals because we are animals, evolution and religion and mixing it all up in a blender. I mean, I guess it makes more sense than most religions and stuff. But why should we even bother? Who cares if you think ancient gods were based on some kind of monkey mythology? I've always tried to be nice to Remner for some crazy reason but I finally just told him how stupid I thought he was. I told him to stop relying on these stupid wacko crutches. *bangs head on keyboard* I've completely alienated this poor guy that for some insane reason actually seemed interested in me, and not in that way. I'm such a dumbass! No wonder my friends are dropping like flies! When someone appreciates me I treat them like shit just because I feel like I'm all high and mighty while they're so pathetic with their 'ignorant' little realities. How could I be so stupid? I complain and complain about people thinking I'm nuts for believing in faeries while they believe in some triple god floating in the sky and then I make fun of some poor sap trying to find his addiction and completely drive him away. *kicks self* I guess the only thing really wrong with Remner is how he changes things so often, like some kind of trend person, except he likes trends that are the opposite of trendy. LOL That may have made no sense. Maybe it owuld be out of place if it DID make sense.

I read the only page left from my Grandfather's last journal. I kind of tried to avoid it because I didn't want my journeys with him to be over so soon, or ever for that matter. )c; But I HAD to read it, I was just dying to. He kept on living for a few years after this journal, but I can see why he stopped. He must have been a heartbroken man. He must have been so sad for so long after that. It's like he had everything and then he just loses it all. He stopped talking to the faeries and he was completely betrayed by his closest friend. Ack! I can't even imagine losing such a wonderful thing.

'It has been two months since I last communicated with any of the fey, two months of cumulating minutes, each seeming to extend toward infinity. My temptation has been as great as any, and but for this injury I would have succumbed. I know that I can never again enter their world; the most ironic aspect being that it was not they that forced me out, but myself that abdicated from their presence for the greater safety of my family and for the spite of Fergus. What goodness is it that I must embrace bitterness to keep my oath far more than merely think on the safety of my own blood? When my daughters embrace me or tell me of their love for me I feel as if I have betrayed them, that were it not for hatred I would put them in danger. And so it now becomes apparent in the lucidity of retrospection that I have for so long been a junkie whose drug was the world's magical aspect. Merely a junkie of revelry, wit, and otherworldliness? If so I would scarcely be able to live with myself, knowing that I was so long away from those I love for the charms of my habit, nothing more than an aloholic or heroin addict consistently absent from those that really matter. Perhaps in a perverse way I should thank Fergus for this sobering bitterness that keeps me apart from my nepenthe. Perhaps, but he will never be rewarded with anything but the very bitterness he gave to me. His quest for the eternal will now only eternally vex him, as he is torn and torn from vessel to vessel. My greatest comfort in his perpetuated vileness is that it will mark a perpetuated searching. Searching for what he could never find to set him free as it is forever a part of my own flesh and will remain so until all my blood has drained!'

Gawd, I wish I knew more. What's really important is knowing how much he suffered because of it, and how much he beat himself into the ground about not being there for his family. I wonder if my Dad regrets being away all the time because of HIS addiction, work? I wonder if trying to enter the world of the faeries maybe isn't such a good idea? What if we are supposed to be different and seperate? It's too much to think about and worry about. :-(

GRRRRRR!!!!! I'm just going to chop Puck's balls off myself if I can't find a vet that's willing to do it anymore! lol I'm not even sure I'm kidding anymore. He's totally freaking me out. And he's a complete, well...Puck (Puck was some kind of mischievous faerie from a long long time ago). Would the vets prefer I do some kind of homemade operation? I think all the vet does is take scissors and snip those little organs that have caused the world so much trouble clean off. *deep sighs* How crazy am I!!!??? lol ):-[ I'm actually typing this trying to make sure Puck can't see me or that he won't walk in, like if he sees me talking about chopping off his balls he'll be able to read it and get all nasty. Gawd. This isn't some kind of misbehaving male roommate I'm talking about doing this to, this is a CAT! Just when I think things are going kind of normally for me again I suddenly realize I've been acting all psycho, as if Puck can talk or read. Um...anyway. I guess only that one vet said it was 'against their philosophy' to perform elective surgeries on animals, so maybe if I go to a normal vet I won't have to sterilize the scissors and tape Puck to the table. LOL Oh GAWD I'm such a horrible person. I'm actually enjoying the thought of castrating my cat! Too bad I can't do some kind of invisible castration, like Samantha did with Chris.

When Puck's not chewing holes in my legs or shredding the couch (I can't remember asking him to do that) or threatening me, he's doing something insanely dangerous that could result in his death. Like today he was chewing on the wires from my computer and when I chased him off he went and started batting at an outlet. What if one of his little claws got jammed in there? He'd fry. Which sometimes doesn't seem so unappealing. )c: Still, I WILL love him no matter what. If you just show something love then that thing's icy hostility will melt away. 'Love the ones you hate.' <=== *an official 'Erin quote'* <=== *an Erin quote in quotations* LOL

*hugs*

Friday, December 20, 2002

The past few days have left me numb and frantic. I almost think I brought all on myself by laughing at school when someone told me what happened to Jamie Chameau on the day I skipped school. I mean, God, didn't I promise myself I would try to be more understanding and positive about my life and others and then would do I do but be an insensitive jerk? Maybe I deserve everything that has ever happened to me, especially what has occured in the past few days. I just couldn't contain myself. The giggle totally slipped out of my mouth even though I tried to keep it in when I heard about Jamie freaking out because she wasn't elected Winter Queen. I mean, it just sounded so ridiculous and unbelievable that it completely tore down my defenses. How am I supposed to react when I'm told that someone makes a completely assinine speech in the cafeteria about how no one appreciates their elegance, beauty and grace? I know. I should have been more understanding. I should have tried to walk in Jamie's shoes and try to understand what she was going through losing to that prissy bitch, Maggie Tempkins. Then again, it's hard me to comprehend at all why anyone would have wanted to be in that stupid, backwards caveman competition anyway. I just can't believe that someone as confident as her would just breakdown before everyone at lunch, reprimanding them for their lack of taste. I'm talking about climbing on top of one of the tables and just going off and then . . . I can't believe this part. It must just be one of those stories that gets made up after something like that, but people are saying Jamie then pulled off her wig to reveal that she really was James. Then I guess a couple of the P.E. teachers rushed out of their lounge to restrain her, I mean him or whatever. I mean, I might be true because I haven't seen Jamie since I've been back to school and she has the same lunch period as me, but then again, there's just no way Jamie could have been a guy. I think people are just being mean and saying that because she was smart and this dumb patriarchial society we live in hates women with brains. Still, I laughed when I first heard it and I definitely shouldn't have. I cursed myself again, but what's new?

When I got home from school Ray's mom had left several frantic messages on the answering machine. When I called her back she was so hysterical I totally had trouble understanding what she was saying. Finally, Ray's dad got on the line and sort of manner of factly told me that Ray had disappeared or escaped or was misplaced at the hospital. The doctor, the nurses and the orderlies couldn't find him at all. If I saw him, I should call the hospital or maybe even the police immediately, especially since Ray could be dangerous if he had escaped. I really didn't know how to respond except to tell them that if I could I would try to help mind Ray. As soon as I hung up the phone, Puck jumped up on the armrest of the chair I was sitting in and started talking to me again, but I did my best to ignore him since I know he isn't really saying anything but "meow." I counted to ten over and over while he asked me if I had driven Ray crazy like I drove everyone else up the wall. Finally, I just sort of lost it and tried to hit Puck but he jumped away and hid for awhile. I felt totally guilty. I tried to make it up to him by pouring him a bowl of milk, but he would just sort of keep his distance and stare at me with this totally mean look almost like when Brett looks at me sometimes. It really sort of scared me so I just left the house and drove around town to like two in the morning looking for Ray, but I couldn't find him at all. I was so tired when I got home I actually passed out without having one icky dream. Maybe that's the key. I need to just wear myself out completely every day.

The next day I decided after school I would do my Christmas shopping. I wanted to get presents for Dad and even Aunt Minnie and Brett, though those two probably don't deserve it all. It seemed like it would be fun, even though I couldn't get Julian to go with me because he had his shift at Jubilee Cafe (FUCK YOU BARDA!) and after that he had to call his brother to make plans to drive up to bring him back home for the holidays. I guess Julian's brother doesn't drive or something because he believes he can disassemble himself and then reassemble himself anywhere he wants, which is totally nuts. I can't believe he's on his own. Anyway, I totally had fun shopping, completely forgetting about everything that had been bothering. I spent way too much and probably got carried away, especially since I won't be seeing Dad or anybody else this Christma. It'll just be me by myself. I mean, Dad hasn't even sent me anything or even asked me what wanted, but I guess I can understand that since he just seems mad at me all the time since I tried to talk to him about Mom and Mr. Tanner-Simpson. God, not that any of it matters. I was just wasting time and money to make myself feel better and that is so lame and it matters so little. You don't have to tell me I'm right, because I knew it as soon as I got home.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I pulled in the driveway because the front door was completely wide open. I never do that! And I definitely am I sure I didn't like break everything inside and overturn all of the furniture, messing everything up. I so just started to cry not knowing what to do and feeling completely violated. I think I must have froze for like fifteen minutes before I even pulled it together enough to find the phone to call Mr. Tanner-Simpson. I don't know why I called him. I suppose I should have called the police or something, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. He came right over and was so awesome, calling the police for me and making sure I was OK. He even walked through the house with me, making sure whomever had wrecked everything weren't there. He told me not to touch anything because it might mess up any evidence. We then waited outside for the police to come. Mr. Tanner-Simpson made me feel so totally safe. He was totally reassuring, or at least I felt reassured until my neighbor, Mrs. Kravitz came over to talk us. She told us that she had seen this teenage boy bust open the front door with a crowbar. She was going to call the police, but she got totally scared when saw another man dressed in black in the house attack the teenager. I guess they both started to fight or something, throwing each other around and punching each other and stuff. The boy then broke free and ran out the door with a book, but the man in black didn't chase after him. Mr. Tanner-Simpson seemed really interested in everything she said, taking lots of notes, which I thought was kind of funny because everyone on the block knows that Mrs. Kravitz is kind of senile and is always saying she sees weird stuff that never happened. Still, when she mentioned the boy had stolen a book, my heart completely flip flopped and I ran up to my bedroom to find everything a total mess, all of Grandfather's journals completely torn up and ruined. I felt so sad and depressed seeing it all destroyed it took me a second to notice Puck sitting on a torn out page on my bed. Without even thinking, I tried to pet him and he completely batted at my hand and then ran off. I picked up the page and shoved it in my backpack.

For the past two days I've been staying in a motel while the house is repaired and new locks and a new front door are put in. There was so much damage and Dad was so angry when I told him about it and even got madder when I told him how much Mr. Tanner-Simpson had been by getting the police to come so quickly and take such a interest in finding whomever did it. I think maybe Dad has been drinking too much coffee while being stressed out or something because he was so abrupt with me, even telling me not to talk to Mr. Tanner-Simpson again and how disappointed he was in me for not listening to him. Thank god Julian let me borrow his laptop again so I could get all this out of my system and dump into my blog, which by now must be like a giant toxic waste site. Julian has been great, though hasn't been able to be around much because of family stuff and tomorrow he leaves to pick up his brother. He invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family, but I'm not sure if I want to. I think maybe I need to be by myself and sort everything out inside my head. I feel terrible and confused. At least I haven't been imagining Puck talking to me, though that doesn't make up for how I feel like I've lost Grandfather again with the journals being shredded. All I have left is that one page on the bed. I think I will read it tonight before I got to bed, though I almost don't want to because it will be the last bit I will ever read again. I hope the police catch those two burglars and throw the book at them. I hope they rot in prison forever for killing Grandfather again. *a very tense hug*

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Ugh. )c:

Monday, December 16, 2002

HA HA HA HA! I just had the funniest thought take a little liesurely stroll in my head. What if Patrick is making his stupid 'Multiplication Tables' band because him and Matthew are an 'item'? Gawd, that would be so funny. Except not really because what the fuck does it mean if a former boyfriend turns gay? That's not exactly a ringing endorsement even if it was a long time ago that I dated him. What would be even funnier is if Matthew told Patrick about him being gay and then try to passionately kiss him or something because I know Patrick isn't comfortable around homosexuals. Or at least he used to pretend not to be. He can be such a dick, and they say you are what you eat. Even I can put two and two together. I hope you're happy together and I guess I'm glad you don't mind it being at me and Chris's expense. )c: And Patrick, thanks for making sure you keep my memory clear on why I hated you for so long after we broke up, you spineless, selfish, fake little boy. If Matthew is pushing in your stools he should probably be arrested since last time I checked having sex with schoolboys was illegal. Just ask the Catholic Church about that one. >:-( GRRRRRRRRR!!!

Um...not that I'm bitter or angry or anything, lol. I'm still going to do the music therapy sessions, but only for Ray's sake. I hope he appreciates this in some dark corner of his brain where Ray is still Ray and not some insane Irish guy that wants us to sing and dance with him. LOL And even if I wanted to quit all it would take is me seeing Ray's mom's face and I know I'd turn my butt right around and go back to singing for ye olde Ireland. She is so broken about the whole ordeal. Ray's dad hasn't been so great from what I understand and Ray's mom is still trying to work through the whole mourning process with Ray's dad acting like this is something less bad than the total destruction of their entire world.

Chris said Eleanor Roosevelt said 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' when I told him about us being kicked out of the band and Patrick's totally assholish move of having me tell him (Chris). While he was being nice and trying to make me feel better and everything I just wish he would have shut up with his sappy inspirational platitudes because he didn't seem to get the point at all. I wasn't 'hurt' so much as 'angry', which are two entirely different things. lol See, when I'm angry I'm not hurt, I just want other people to be hurt, lol. Chris took it well. Chris has been kicked out of many bands. And many homes for that matter. :-P Oh, I don't mean they'd kick him out now, he's got a good thing going with this whole 'nice' thing and all. And he's lucky Samantha found him. OK, just about everyone who might have come into contact with the old Chris is lucky Samantha found him. Anyway, I think Chris is kind of happy secretly to be kicked out now so he can devote himself full-time to repairing Samantha's house and designing clothes. In fact he showed me some of his sketches, which I didn't really get to excited about, but I guess I've never really understood fashion anyway. Ugh. And he insisted on showing me his collection of kitty pictures. I guess he has a 'thing' for kitties, lol. He has a big album of all these cats he's taken pictures of over the years, with dates and names underneath. Omigawd, this guy is so wierd. Somehow he manage to creep me out even though he's like the opposite of what he used to be. If Martha Stewart leaves a bad taste in your mouth then Chris will make you vomit. *GROSS* Sorry about that nasty mental image there. :-@

I didn't make any entries yesterday because I was totally freaked out and scared. I curled up in my room WITHOUT Puck and just tried to reason through it all. )c: OK, I decided to go for a stroll in the woods yesterday and maybe do a little faerie hunting. I HAD to get away. I'm getting rid of Puck if I can. No matter what it takes. As I was leaving he said to me, 'you're safer here with me, for now'. Even if it is ME that's losing it here I can't take anymore of this. In the woods for a long time everything was just totally silent and still while I was trampling around. And then I remembered what I realized when I was on my disastrous trip with Brandan, that if you want to find the faeries you have to let them come to you, which is what I've been trying to do at home, but maybe at home there's just too much human stink for them to really approach me. Whatever. So I just stopped and sat on a log trying to keep warm. Gawd, it was just a theory, but it totally worked! I started hearing these noises kind of like the Keebler elves or the whatever-the-fucks from the Wizard of Oz. You know, really tiny voices. They kept getting closer and closer and the whole time I was trying not to pee my pants while wondering if I was just crazy or something, because after all, I do keep thinking my cat is talking to me, although I think all of that is just from a lack of sleep or whatever. Finally I saw about, gawd, I don't even know how many little faeries crawl up onto a log that was about maybe 15 or soemthign feet away. I was COMPLETELY unable to even speak, it was like how some people are when they meet a celebrity they totally idolize! After all this time, it was as simple as just sitting in the woods! But it was just like my nightmares, which had me really confused, because they starting screaming and they got out these little spears, which looked like really long thorns. I don't know if my lack of sleep made me hallucinate while I was sitting on that log or what. I'm not even sure anymore whether I even went for a walk and sat on a log at all. But I either got up and ran like hell and they started chasing me or in my dream I got up and ran like hell while they chased me. I know it seems impossible, but I do think faeries are real and the whole thing seemed so real. I can't even tell the difference sometimes anymore. Maybe that really IS what 'Faerie' really is, some place that isn't real but IS real at the same time. Anyway, the faeries ran after me screaming with their spears over their heads like in old movies with tribal people running through the jungle after intruders into their home. *blushes* I was so scared I actually did pee my pants. I just sant in my room curled up in a ball in a pair of clean underpants just trying not to be totally frightened of every noise I heard. I know I'm not crazy but maybe I am hallucinating because of my lack of sleep or something. But I didn't know whether I should go to the doctor or not. If I go even if I'm not 'crazy' such powerful hallucinations will almost certainly get me locked up anyway. I can't bear the thought of that. I can't bear the thought of everyone gossiping about me behind my back any more than they already do about that freaky girl that believes in faeries. I can't bear to think of Brett being right all those times he said I was nuts and taunted me until I just wanted to get a knife and cut out his tongue while he screamed in pain, gurgling on his blood and choking to death on it. Ugh. Great, now I'm having violent fantasies. LOL Um...anyway, I finally decided not to do anything about the sleep thing for now. I just need to get my rest and things will become OK again. I just need to rest. Which is precisely what I did last night. Puck be damned, he can feed himself if he's so smart. I just kind of stayed holed up in my room and took twice as many sleeping pills as you're supposed to and slept, slept, slept. (c: And you know what? I AM feeling better today. Puck hasn't talked to me. I didn't have any of those faerie dreams. *ahhhhhhhhh* Life is goodbetter again. Besides, how could it be crazy to mix up dreams with reality anyway if real self awareness is knowing that you're just the creation of someone else's imagination? It's not in-sanity, it's like super-sanity. :-)

*droops* Ugh. One thing I DO wish was 'just' a nightmare but is apparently real is that North got out of jail for right now on bail, probably using money he stole from me and all the other people he mugged or burglarized from. I've already told Julian how worried I am about this. I might have to testify against him! If I do, he'll probably use that as an excuse to kill me or something horrible like that! He already hates me because I'm not afraid to tell him he's a worthless piece of cancer on the world and because I tried to take Gwynn away from him. >:-( I'm scared to death this piece of shit is loose now, what am I supposed to do? If I called the cops do you think they'd do anything? Julian thinks I should because they'll at least send a patrol to check up on my house every once in a while. I keep everything totally locked here and I keep the phone in my hand all the time ever since I found out. I'm already on edge enough and I DON'T need this, but here it is so I've got to handle it. His trial is only like two months away. Can I live on edge for two months without going psycho? lol More psycho? I've been having Julian stay over here as much as possible and I've been trying to stay away from home too. I know lots about the layout of the mall now, lol. I think I'll tell Mr. Tanner-Simpson about the whole thing whenever I talk to him next time and see what he says. He's an expert after all, and he wouldn't give me anything but the best advice. I hope I'm just imagining this threat and that North couldn't give a fuck about me. *fingers crossed, everything crossed including eyes*

*hugs*

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Oh god please make Puck shut up. He's been talking at me for the last hour, saying the most horrible things and not letting me sleep at all. Finally I just ran from the bedroom and locked him inside. I can't believe the stuff he was saying to me because it was just so brutal and mean mean mean mean. I was trying to go to sleep and he jumped up at the foot of my bed and just started going off on me like no tomorrow while I hid under my covers in the dark. I even tried to put my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear him anymore but that didn't do any good. It's like what he was saying was like a hot cup of coffee accidentally poured over my head except he did on purpose. Then I remembered to put everything into context and bring things back to normal so I kept telling myself that cat's cannot talk and that I was imagining it all. I think I must have done that for a half hour, repeating to myself over and over that Puck wasn't saying anything, but then he liked lept on to my chest and stared down at my head with like this malignant twinkle in his eyes. He totally said to me, and I remember every word because it was so awful, "I thought we were friends. I thought friends could say anything to each other. We're friends aren't we? Don't worry. I won't be a friend like you were to Chann. You were an amateur, darling." :-(

I'm seriously thinking about making an appointment with the doctor. I'm also going to check some stuff out in Grandfather's journal because I remember reading, I think, about Fergus doing something weird to Grandfather, but I don't remember what it was. I mean, it seems like at this point I have to check out all my options, both the scientific and the magical. Still, when I think about going to the doctor I feel completely freaked out because what if he decides to lock me up where Ray is? Maybe making an appointment is too risky but maybe I should since I don't feel like I can talk about any of this with anyone, even Julian. Gawd, Julian doesn't need to deal with me breaking down, though I know he would. He alread has his whacko brother. Sometimes I think the best I could do for Julian is to break up with him. I feel like at the rate I'm going I'm going to wind up dragging him down into the pit I've fallen into and can't get out of at all. What really makes me feel terrible is that sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap and kill Puck. Tonight I came so close to grabbing my clock radio and just bashing out his brains to make him shut up. Luckily I was able to control myself so I didn't hurt him. Maybe I just have to work harder at visualizing "normal." I think I might trying to mediate a little every day for the next week so. Until then, time for me to kick Puck out of my room and try try try to go to back to sleep. *feeble, exhausted hug*

Saturday, December 14, 2002

I was totally prepared to burn Chann’s letter in the fireplace this morning. I even got up early just so I could do it like it was some sort of creepy ritual. Puck sort of watched me from the couch while I tried to start a fire, which was sort of difficult because there was like some sort of draft in the chimney that kept putting my matches out before I get even start the wadded up newspaper. When I finally had a nice blaze, I sort of closed my eyes and was totally ready to toss the envelope in when Puck chuckled, “Getting rid of the evidence? Probably a good idea. If I were you I wouldn’t want people to know I’m part of the blame for someone offing themself. People already hate you. You don’t need to give them anymore help.” Puck totally made me jump. I’m not sure how I should react when he says the mean stuff he does because I know he really can’t be saying anything. He just sat there on the couch watching me and licking one of his paws. This time I decided to try to talk to him to see if maybe he really was communicating to me and I wasn't really going the way of Ray. After I had put the letter on the mantle, I walked over to where he was and sat down beside him. Puck totally ignored me and just kept grooming himself. When I got back up to get the letter and try burning it again, he said, “First your mother, and now Chann . . . you’re really not a people person are you, Erin?” I so lost it then and screamed at him, “WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME?!!!!” Puck hasn’t said anything since then. Maybe I should make an appointment with my doctor Monday and, then again, maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t want to be where Ray is. I’m not crazy. Oh, I haven’t destroyed the letter yet.

After that, I decided to get out of the house for awhile to clear my head. First, though, I took a nice hot shower, but that didn’t work out very well. Every time I started to zone out under the water, I swear I saw lots of little somethings moving around in the bathroom. I guess their shapes out of the corner of my eyes through the shower curtain. Then Puck started to scratch at the bathroom door, pushing it open with his paws. I don’t what got into him then but started to chase something around, knocking everything over on the counters and the sink, making a gigantic mess. It took me two hours to clean everything up. Finally after that I got dressed and jumped into my VW to take a nice long drive by myself.

God, there was so much in my head bouncing around while I drove around Lawrence, just sort of randomly putting about town. First I thought about how I hate Puck lately, but then I realized how irrationaly I’m being because I know cat’s can’t talk. I mean just has to be all the stress I’ve been under and that would also explain why I keep thinking I see little people because they can’t really be faeries because faeries wouldn’t seems so evil like they do. Second I thought about Chann’s letter some more and I realized that it wasn’t my fault and that Puck was wrong. Chann’s didn’t even intend for to get the letter because if she had she would have mailed it and she wrote a month before she passed. The letter was just one of the moments we all have where we think something that latter we realize is dumb or whatever. Besides, Chann is the selfish anyone. She didn’t even consider how her actions would affect her family and friends. How bad is that? Third, I thought about how Dad has been so uncooperative about helping Mr. Tanner-Simpson, but even there I guess I realize that Dad isn’t being intentionally a jerk. Dad’s always been a here-and-now sort of guy and what with all the economic problems caused by that jerk President Bush I bet he’s just been concentrating really hard on his business so he can support his family. I need to try and call him this weekend. I guess I could go on, but I sort of thought about everything that’s been bothering me and it sort of helped to clear my head a lot. I just need to take the time to take inventory instead of reacting. I keep forgetting to do that and I shouldn’t.

When I got home there were at least a gajillion messages on the answering machine. I swear half of them were evil telemarketers trying to sell crap that no one in their right mind would ever want. Aunt Minnie Called. She was all excited and happy, but wouldn’t say what she wanted. She need me to call her as soon as possible. Yeah, I’m really looking forward to that . . . just like I look forward to going to the dentist. Julian also called, wondering what I was doing this evening. I plan on calling him as soon as I finish this up. I don’t think I want to do anything tonight, but tomorrow would be good if he can. Unfortunately, the next message on the machine was my asshole brother Brett screaming so loud I couldn’t really understand what he was going off about. I guess it was something about Mr. Tanner-Simpson visiting him again today, not that I care after his last bullshit pretending to be the lead singer of Conner and someone else named Caruthers and sending me those nasty messages. You can plan on me not returning his phone call.

The last message on the answering machine too me completely by surprise. Patrick left this long sort of stammering message that boiled down to him basically kicking me and Chris out of the band. He even had the gall to ask me to Chris that he was in it anymore. I mean, I guess Patrick tried to be nice about and all by repeating like a million times that it wasn’t anything personal, but whatever! How am I supposed to take the fact that him and Matthew want to form a duo named Multiplication Table without Chris and I in it at all? I can’t believe Matthew would even be part of something like that since he has good since and isn’t a dickhead like Patrick. Maybe Chris will have a good perspective when I call him after I call Patrick. I just hope he doesn’t talk my ear off about fabric patters or wallpaper or something dumb like that. So yeah, you’ve heard it here first: The Uldras are broken up. Gawd, how’s that going to affect music therapy with Ray? I can’t see us playing together for that now that we are no more. Did Patrick even think about it? I so want to punch him in the face right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I need to go make some dinner now. I’m feeling light headed since I skipped breakfast and lunch. Plus, I totally need to call Julian and Chris and Dad and maybe even Aunt Minnie, if I have the stomach for it. At least Puck hasn’t talked to me since this morning and my head is a little bit clearer. Maybe things are moving back in a positive direction again! *Hugs All Around!*

Saturday, December 14, 2002

I'm pretty confused right now. What's new, right? :-P I WAS totally glad Julian and Matthew got along so well, since I love Julian and really admire Matthew alot. But I found out today that Matthew is gay! !!! I had NO idea. He had a girlfriend not too long ago after all, and he never gave any other kind of indications he was gay or anything. But this isn't why I'm confused or anything. It's not that he's gay, it's that he's gay and he's taken such an interest in MY Julian! lol But seriously, what am I supposed to think here? *scratches head* OK, I know that he's gay and he's being all nice to Julian and everything doesn't mean he's trying to seduce him and stuff but I can't keep myself from just jumping to all these insane conclusions. Or are they even really insane? Ack! How should I feel? Am I being prejudiced or something because I'm a little protective of my boyfriend when he's hanging out with a person that very well could find him totally attractive like I do? And I just have to say, 'WOW', I never saw that little revelation coming. LOL Julian insists there was nothing 'wierd' that happened, but Matthew told him he was gay on the way home from the movie I guess, which kind of threw Julian for a loop too even though he doesn't seem even a little suspicious of Matthew's extreme friendliness toward him. And even if Matthew was attracted to Julian he probably wouldn't act on it, right? Matthew is a really nice guy, so he wouldn't try to steal a person that's already 'spoken for'. Even more to the point Julian isn't gay, so even if Matthew did try to hit on him or whatever Julian is highly unlikely to reciprocate those emotions. Unless Julian isn't telling me something major about himself, lol, but I think I have enough proof that he definately likes girls! *blushes* Gawd, I can't believe I just said that. ;-)

So if my theory that all men, or most men, need some kind of person or thing to rule them is correct, and it certainly seems like it is, then what happens if a man picks another man to rule him instead of a woman? I think we're way beyond the stage of whether homosexuality is OK or not, so I won't even bother with that can of cats. But here's the 'BIG QUESTION'... If man being ruled by woman is the natural order of things and man being ruled by other things like alcohol or hunting are harmful, does that mean man being ruled by another man is a bad thing too? *question marks* Or does the ruling man become sort of like a woman, but just with a penis and lots of testosterone? lol In most homosexual relationships there is a more male role and then a more female role, so maybe that's how it works. But then, how do they decide who will be the female role and who will be the male? Is it like there is something innate in them that whichever is more female automatically takes that place or what? And if they are equally matched do they each make each other their ruler? That would really be an equal relationship, which is just not how things are with heterosexual and maybe even most homosexual couples. So maybe if we REALLY want equality on the planet everyone should enter a homosexual relationship where each person is equally matched in gender role, which is probably impossible to tell right now. That probably seems a little crazy. I know I wouldn't want to give up Julian! And I know I have almost no interest in girls whatsoever. So maybe the idea that every relationship should be completely equal is what's really insane. Maybe, just maybe, 'women on top' is how it should be in most cases. :-

)c: Ugh. We had another music therapy session with Ray today. Second time around was no better than the first. I'm still having so much trouble with these nightmares that make me lose sleep and then make me kind of hallucinate that I can't help but be totally frightened the doctors can tell like it's written on my forehead or something and that they'll decide I'm insane and make me stay there. Which is probably an actual insane belief in an otherwise normal head. Well, lol. Almost normal? :-P Ray is no better at all. He can't remember anything about how to use his junk and today he tried to cover it up by suggesting we learn some traditional Irish songs, which I didn't even know he knew. Even though I'm Irish and I'm totally intrigued by their wonderful folklore I really can't stand Irish music. *gags* But this whole thing is about Ray and Ray getting better so we went along with it. And if we just do Irish stuff from now on we won't have to lug our equipment back and forth all the time and spend all that time setting it up and then in just an hour breaking it all down again. So, with the minuses come some pluses or whatever. And since it's something Ray was interested in doing, even if it was to cover up his ignorance of our old songs, it can't hurt his recovery. *tentative smiles* :-]

I talked to Tanner-Simpson on the phone today. There's nothing new going on, he just wanted to see hwo I was doing mostly and just ask a couple of questions about whether I knew anything about our finances back then, which I totally don't. And he invited me over for dinner on Christmas since he knows how fragmentary my family life is right now. So that means I'll either be spending Christmas day with Julian f his parents are OK with it or having dinner with Mr. Tanner-Simpson, which was so sweet of him to offer. lol I wonder if he ever expected I might actually seriously consider accepting the offer and if he was just offering for the sake of being nice? *sighs* Um...he shouldn't have offered if he didn't mean it! (c: And it's looking like nothing will be happening with Aunt Minnie. I haven't even heard from her in a while. That's what can happen when you let a dickhead like Brandan get between you and your family. Blech. It's out of my hands though. OK, I'm totally wore out now and maybe these sleeping pills will help me sleep, even if I have these fucking nightmares...

*hugs*

Thursday, December 12, 2002

I haven’t left the house today. I didn’t even to go school. I totally made the mistake of reading Chann’s letter while I ate a bowl of cereal this morning. After that I just went into my room and crawled into my bed. This is the first time I’ve even gotten up since then. Though, just sleeping and staring at the ceiling for hours on end hasn’t really improved my mood AT ALL, especially since I just sort of drifted back and forth between THINKING TOO MUCH about Chann and odd moments that I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not . . . or maybe losing it completely, which then made me think about poor Ray. I swear I almost thought Puck was talking to me, too. He’d jumped up on my bed and curled up beside my head while I sort of fell asleep again. Then I swear he started whispering all sorts of awful things in my ear, all these horrific ways he wanted to taunt and tease and torture me. I totally started to sob into my pillow, and then Puck said in a sort of rasping, comforting voice, “At least I’ll protect you from them so I can have you for myself, lass.” When I woke up my face was completely wet because I guess I was crying for real too, not just in my dumb, screwed up dream. Puck was still curled up next to me, snoring. I guess that must have been in the afternoon because I got up to close the curtain on my window and the sun was totally blinding. Still I sort of shrieked when I saw in the branches of the tree these tiny men sort of spying on me or like they were waiting for something. I think it just might have been the light playing tricks on me, though, because when I blinked they were all gone. When I think about, I almost believe they must have been faeries or some sort of tree spirits, but they looked so mean and sloppy. I can’t believe how fast Puck rushed over and jumped up on the window sill wanting to get out. When I started to walking away he totally hissed and growled at me until I opened the window and let him outside. Though I never let Manny out, I don’t really have a choice with Puck. It was amazing how he just sort of lept on to the tree and instantly went into hunting mode. He must have seen a bird or something. What’s kind of incredible, too, is how big Puck has gotten in such a short time. He’s almost Manny’s size now. He’s going to be huge when he’s full grown! After that I just went back to bed and thought about Chann’s letter . . .

God, I wish I had just burned it or shredded or something. I feel like my eyes have been like burned into charcoal or something from reading the letter. You know how sometimes you think it would really be cool to know what people are thinking like you had like telepathy or something? It absolutely wouldn’t be at all. It would be the most terrible thing ever because I think we are all better off now not knowing what is inside of the heads of those who are around us or who we love. There’s is stuff in there that should stay secret. I know I wouldn’t want people to know my every thought, especialy lately when my whole brain feels like its unravelling. Maybe my brain has like turned into taffy and like these evil spirits are like having a tug of war with it. If they are, I wish they would JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW! I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep when I want to. I can’t stay awake when I have to. I can’t even concentrated enough to read my Grandfather’s journal. All I want is just a little bit of quiet time where I don’t have to worry about every slightest thing turning into the most dreadful thing ever. I just don’t want to feel like I’m going to burst out in tears at any moment every moment. God, I wish Julian was here. I wish he was here and not at a movie with Matthew. *I NEED A HUG!*

Thursday, December 12, 2002

So today was the first msuic therapy thing. Hmmm, how to describe it...........it was a nightmare! Ugh. And I have enough of those at night when I'm trying to sleep and stuff. Ray was NOT good at all. He's totally not himself anymore. I mean literally, he's not Ray. At least that's what he claims. Like I said before, it's like multiple personality disorder without the multiple personalities. The doctors are calling it schizophrenia, but I don't think they know what the hell it is. )c: Anyway, so we get there pretty uneventfully and we meet with his Music Therapist Jasper Winnicky, who is a former student of Barry Bernstein (who is someone I knew nothing about until searching for him about five minutes ago, lol). Blech. I can smell hippy all over this guy right from the beginning. lol He's wearing a hemp shirt, which is always THE giveaway of a new age hippy. And he was wearing a crystal around his neck, which was all mottled and gross looking from not eating meat in who knows how many years. I mean, how far is it to go from being a Breatharian to being a vegetarian and vice versa? I guess we have these stomachs and tearing teeth for no reason at all or something, lol. Um...but anyway...this Jasper freak talked in a real soothing voice and his hands were always moving downward and out as he talked. *groans* So much for music therapy being a real kind of therapy that would actually help. But even if the therapy part of music therapy is a complete pile of shit I still think Ray just being able to do something he used to do will still help him or whatever. And when it actually does work to help him in whatever small way it might, the freako hippy in the corner will say it's all because of his methods for getting good karma. LOL

*shakes self* OK, but ANYWAY the actual process is basically just us practicing songs like we normally would as the Uldras. We took forever getting everything set up mostly because Ray knew how to set up his stuff and Ray no longer seems to remember how to do that, which kinda complicates things. It was such a mess. If it wasn't so sad to see Ray like this I'd say it was like a circus. But circuses make us think pleasant thoughts. *sighs* We couldn't actually perform ANY of our songs because Ray couldn't remember them at all. In fact Ray was just out of it completely. So we just ended up making this terrible cacaphony trying to go along with Ray, who seemed to just be trying to go along to please us or maybe more importantly his doctors. More than once I almost started crying because it was all so pathetic and heartbreaking. Patrick didn't say much of anything. He just stared at Ray while we made our noises. And Chris just seemed to be having fun, but not at the expense of Ray or anything like that. Chris is off in his own little world of scumbling and upholstery lately. All in all, I can't tell whether this helped Ray at all or not. :-( Mostly Ray just seemed like he was trying to fake it and I'm afraid that's only going to make him feel even worse than he already does. And I DEFINATELY don't see how this could have possibly helped him with his thinking he's another person. Maybe this won't help him at all after all. It's not like I'm giving up hope or anything. But after today the whole logic of this thing seems less logical now that we've actually done it. The way I imagined it would be was just so totally insane, which I can see now. I was imagining some kind of scenario where we were all smiling and playing our songs and kind of nodding our heads and stuff. LOL It was actually a pretty stupid scene I had going on in my head there, like some kind of Mentos commercial or something. I'm such an idiot and I don't even realize how far off from reality my thinking is until reality happens and we're NOT bobbing our heads and we're NOT smiling these giant goofy smiles and Ray does NOT remember a damn thing from our time together as a band. *tears up a little*

*wrings hands* And I still definately need some sleep, even though last night I actually did sleep a little better than I have been. There was another incident where I started dreaming while I was half awake, and it seemed so TOTALLY real at the time it scared me even after I realized it was just my imagination. I was sitting watching TV and probably drooling on my shirt when I noticed little faeries coming down the outside of the windows on little ropes like people do on the sides of mountains! And I got completely scared because in all my dreams lately faeries have been trying to do me harm, which is completely insane in and of itself. But when I got up the faeries weren't really rapelling down the windows and I know it was 'just' a dream because there was a completely different show on the TV. I feel like I'm cracking here! I know you probably think I'm already cracked a long time ago, but now I'm starting to think so too. )c: And when I was at the mental hospital for Ray's music therapy I felt like I was walking naked through my school or something. I felt completely exposed, like all the doctors and nurses could see right through my facade of sanity and they all knew I was completely insane. Ugh. I felt like 'she sees faeries' or 'she hears her cat talking to her' were written on my forehead or something. And I'm sure me reacting by trying not to look at anyone in the eye and being all fidgety and blushing the whole time probably only made for some REAL suspicion instead of just the crazy idea in my head that everyone could see the 'real' me through my skin despite myself. I was totally scared that when it was time to leave some orderlies would come up to me and say something like 'I'm sorry, but you'll have to come with us' and then drag me to a padded room. I hope some day Ray can appreciate what we're doing for him so I can feel a little justified in putting myself through such hell!

If I had a theme mine would be 'tired'. And seeing Remner today only added emphasis to my personal theme. He came over totally without warning (if he had warned me I would have hidden the pop, lol) and when I heard a knock on the door I got my hopes all up thinking it was Julian. I don't know why I keep in communication with this guy at all. I knew him as a friend of Brandan the Asshole and nothing more. Maybe I let people walk all over me or something and only ever get friends by being some kind of shaped hole certain kind of pegs fit into. Um...did that make sense? LOL Anyway, Remner goes through beliefs like Cletus goes through music and now his latest thing is some kind of INSANE evolutionary religion or something. I don't know where he finds these things to even believe in them. If I understand him right this one seems to believe that monkeys and apes should be worshipped as some kind of sacred ancestors. I mean literally worshipped. *rolls eyes* These freaks believe that apes and monkeys are living 'Gods' and that all the gods from mythology and religion were some kind of monkey or ape. Blah blah blah. So Remner is acting like a remnant from one of those Planet of the Ape movies the way he holds his hands and how he tries to smile like a chimpanzee and blah blah blah. LOL It's just so stupid. He's even laughing like some sacred monkey him and his cult friends worship. :-@ I guess one good thing is that he's not in some suicide cult or something. But given enough time he's sure to hit on one of those. What drives him to do this? It's like people that only like what's trendy, but none of this stuff is trendy. If he's looking for a group to belong to why doesn't he join something popular where he's more likely to fit in? I think every man has to have some kind of master and this guy has some kind of chemical imbalance that makes him constantly look for his in insane places. I'm glad Chris switched his master to woman and interior design but I'd also be glad if Remner would switch his master to alcohol, since even that's an improvement from this stupid nonsense. Worshipping monkeys? Ugh. I need to sleep...

*hugs*

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Mr. Tanner-Simpson dropped by tonight to see how I was doing, which was totally sweet. He said he had been worried about when he thought I’d disappeared, but I explained to him about going to Chann’s funeral. He was totally sympathetic and even told me a story about he had lost his best friend when stationed in South Korea in the Army. It was so very sad. I guess he got shot in the heart by a sniper bullet or something and Mr. Tanner-Simpson had to drag him back to the barracks or whatever they call it. I can’t imagine doing something like that all. I would be so paralyzed with being scared I’d probably get shot too. I started to get sad, though, when Mr. Tanner-Simpson asked again if there was any way he could talk to my dad. I so wish Dad would cooperate because he might remember stuff that would be useful to finding Mom. I mean, I guess Mr. Tanner-Simpson is right when he says that Dad probably just doesn’t want to relive it because it was so horrible. It’s amazing how understanding and nice Mr. Tanner-Simpson is. I just wish I could do more to help him, unlike Brett, who I guess he tried to talk to last week. I can’t believe, though, how understanding he was about Brett too. I can only imagine what a dick Brett must have been. Thinking about it I can almost hear my dumb ass brother swearing and screaming. If only I knew what to do about Dad . . . :-(

Alright, I don’t know if I should say anything about what happened to me while I was eating dinner because I’m afraid that people who know me here will read it. I don’t want everyone to think that I’ve gone completely insane. I couldn’t live if Cheryl saw it. Then again, I suppose Cheryl probably doesn’t care at all since she doesn’t know I exist anymore. I miss her so much to talk about the sort of things you can’t share with boys, even if they are super sweet ones like Julian. Who am I kidding? Everyone probably thinks I’m completely nuts anyway because I believe in faeries. Whatever I write here won’t make a difference.

So I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my ramen with Chann’s unopened letter sitting in front me. I don’t know why, but I thought maybe I could finally work myself up to reading it while I ate. While I having dinner, Puck was sitting in the chair across from me licking his paws and cleaning himself. Eating was such ordeal! Between every mouthful I would almost pick up the letter and stop myself. I don’t why. I should read it and quit acting so stupid about it. When I’d finish my ramen, I finally picked the letter up and was about to tear it open when I was totally freaked about this deep male voice talking me. I almost started crying I was so scared when it said, “Open it already. You’ll be seeing her soon.” I so didn’t know what to do. I looked all around me to see where it coming from, my eyes stopping on Puck who just sat there staring at me. I think I almost peed my pants when the voice appeared again, coming from Puck’s mouth sort of like that Babe movie with the talking pig. Puck had like the most evil grin ever on his face when he growled at me, “Soon, my dear. The fountain hasn’t dried up.” I don’t know why I didn’t just run away right then, but I felt like I was glued to my chair. Then Puck jumped up on the kitchen table and started walking towards me, his teeth all shiny. He started singing this old fashioned song kind of like the ones Grandfather would hum. I was totally sure he was going to jump on my face or something but he stopped right in front of me and whispered, “I used to be content. I used to have a home. “

I know this will sound completely cheesy like a bad movie, but I guess I must have nodded off during dinner, which has never happened to me before no matter how tired I was. When I opened my eyes, Puck was still sitting in the chair across from me cleaning himself. I need to sleep better, but the past week my dreams have been completely messing with me. I don’t think I’ve slept soundly for like forever. Sometimes I even try not to go to sleep because I don’t want to have anymore screwed up dreams. Maybe I should try to make an appointment with Dr. Ball tomorrow. I have to sleep! Speaking of which, I should probably try to do that now. I don’t want to, but I have to. I’m already half out of it with exhaustion and I’ll need all of my energy for Ray and the therapy tomorrow. I just hope Ray isn’t having another one of his episodes tomorrow. *a feeble, tired hug*

PS I almost forgot. I can’t believe Jamie Chameau is competing to be the Winter Queen for school. Since she entered the competition she’s been coming to school wearing these hideous blue polyester strapless gowns she must have stolen from some blind person’s closet.

PPS I went to Alley Cat tonight too. Thankfully Brett wasn’t there and Cletus was. I guess he had just got back from buying some collection really old records from a farmer in Lucas. He gave me two more things to listen to, which I hope I can do tomorrow after music therapy. I feel like I haven’t listened to anything for like forever. I don’t know why, but I keep listening to just NPR and then getting really mad at what’’s happening in the world.

PPPS For some reason, this year thinking about Christmas is totally depressing me, which completely sucks since it’s always been my favorite holiday. I suppose I’m just depressed because I’m almost positive I’ll be by myself. How festive is that? :-(

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

Practice was a little bit wierd last night. I guess I wasn't so insane for worrying over how well Matthew would take it if we asked him not to come. OK, if you were replacing someone in a band because they HAD to leave, wouldn't you kind of try to avoid pissing off the person you're replacing? Ray will not take it very well if Matthew comes along for the music therapy sessions, which I don't think Matthew understands very well. )c: Matthew is super nice and he wasn't puchy or anything, but I could tell by the way his voice was wavering all over the place and he was asking those kind of tentative questions and stuff that he was a little bit hurt that he was being excluded from a band activity. Ugh. I was afraid that would happen. I completely understand it because when I first joined the Uldras they kind of kept me out of alot of the decision making process, like when Chip was kicked out. But that's not what's going on here at all, we've become very democratic over time and we're not bullies or whatever. It's just that this is a Ray thing, and we're trying to do what will help him the most. I tried to explain it to Matthew, and Matthew isn't dumb or anything, but he just didn't understand. I think he thinks we're still trying to include Ray so that if he gets out we'll just automatically boot Matthew, and I think Matthew already feels a little like he's stooped down or like he's doing us some kind of favor by joining our band, even though we're TONS more popular than the Gluons were. If there's one thing I'm learning about music it's that people that think of themselves as musicians, no matter how nice they are, have GIANT egos that require extra special care. Even Matthew, who is a great guy, is all narsassistic or however you spell it.

*heart flutters* Julian hung around during practice last night, like Chris's freako friend does sometimes, and it was great having him there. (c: Most of the time we talked about Ray and doing the music therapy thing, and Julian was excellent back up for my opinions. He even helped smooth the very detectable problems with Matthew since Matthew and Julian got along really well. It was like they were old friends or something, even though they just met last night. Gawd, Julian could have been Jimmy Carter or somebody in another life, the way he has a knack for smoothing things over and gluing any broken pieces back together again. *dreamy sighs* He's mine, all mine! LOL If Matthew and Julian got along any better there would have to be a cat fight between me and Matthew, lol. I'm just being silly of course, it's not actually like THAT. Julian is just naturally personable, and so is Matthew, so two personable persons when combined make for a whole lot of personability.

Chris was totally preoccupied the whole time. Like I said, most men have to rely upon something to rule them whether it's sex or motherly women or alcohol or drugs or sports or whatever. Well, alcohol (and probably drugs) have left quite the hole in Chris because not only is he now Samantha's complete boy toy slave, he's getting into all this design stuff. There's nothing wrong with it, I totally support the right to be an interior design fanatic in theory, but it is kind of consuming him like alcohol used to. I guess it is Samantha's fault for having him do her house up and stuff. lol He gets so excited about the craziest things now, like this Japanese marbling stuff that he's trying to adapt for wax printing on pillows and fabrics and stuff. To me it looks like a bunch of psychedelic fractals and paisley type stuff, in other words the kind of stuff that preoccupy the mind of the hippy. And here's what's so crazy, Chris used to (violently) make fun of hippies before his conversion to the Church of Samantha and now it's like he's completely lost any internal motivation and opinion. But gawd, he is so excited about it it's hard to say anything bad about it to him. He's even talking about making his own clothes printed in this kind of way. Blech. If this goes on much longer I'm afraid I might just have to terminate him, before his hippiness can infect anyone else. LOL I'm only joking of course, and I suppose even if he's doing all this Martha Stewart home improvement stuff and hippy wax printing of Japanese marbling (I think it's called 'suminagashi'), it's an improvement on the homeless looking, stinky and disgusting version of him. :-)

Anyway, we ended up deciding we'd do the music therapy with Ray and we start TOMORROW, if Patrick has set it up like he said he would. Which reminds me that I have to call him as soon as I get off of here. Thanks blog! lol Anyway, it'll be me, Chris and Patrick, no Matthew. I think I'll get to count this as community service. I'm not too upright to stoop to using a good cause to my advantage, lol. I'm kind of nervous, even though the last time I was there went OK enough. I just don't like those kind of places and I really don't like seeing Ray like that. I always feel guilty when I see someone I know in a vulnerable position, it's like seeing them naked. Ugh. I feel like I'm damaging them even more just by making them suffer through my presence when they're totally...um...I don't know, vulnerable I guess. )c; Not to mention how plainly sad it is to see someone deteriorated like Ray, it's like when you visit an old relative that has Alzheimer's. I get so sad thinking about it, so how sad will I be when I'm actually in its presence?

These faerie dreams are driving me nuts because I feel so tired the next day. And because, what do they mean? I'm a pretty strong believer that dreams mean something, even if I don't know what exactly that significance is. Like, is it unresolved problems? If so what unresolved faerie problems do I have other than WISHING THEY WOULD SHOW THEMSELVES TO ME! lol Or if it's like an intuition thing, kind of hinting at the future or something, what the hell am I supposed to think then? Are faeries going to kill me? Or is it some kind of manifestation of my doubts about how seriously faeries are interested in me, despite my grandfather and all that? It definately not some kind of secret desire, at least I don't think so. Why would I want faeries to kill me? LOL I can say it's not that and be confident I'm not lying to you or myself. Has my brain just hijacked faeries as a kind of symbol for something else? If so, how the fuck am I supposed to know what? Um...I just shouldn't try to analyze dreams I guess. :-P

North Update: So I guess the rumors were (mostly) true. North HAS been arrested and he's in jail now. Hie pals were arrested as co-conspirators in the burglary. And I am just frightened after the fact, that he was THAT dangerous and I was almost definately mugged by him. It scares me and it pisses me off. But him and his pals won't be going anywhere for a while. It's also a depressing testimony to the incredible breakdown in our system that a group of kids can get so far off the tracks of society without there being any kind of alarm system. Some tiny part of me sympathizes with North, some extremely tiny part.

*hugs*

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING DREAMS! Sometimes when you got to sleep you just want to sleep you know? Who needs to have all these awful things bouncing around inside your head? I know I don't! I was so freaked out a little bit a go. I swore like this swarm of little sparkly people burst through my window and started shooting these little darts at me until I was like this porcupine bleeding all over the place and I was like trying to put my covers over me to protect myself but they kept coming and they like totally tore through my quilt and started firing more darts at me. In the end I was completely flailing my arms around trying to swat them away and nothing seemed to work until like out of no where that black goat that hurt Aunt Minnie appeared, rising up on its hindlegs and smashing each of the flying men between his front hooves, ecept they weren't hooves but these distrubing hands with these long claws. I swear I woke up covered in sweat and shaking I was so totally scared. Now how am I supposed to go back to sleep? Uggghhhh! :-(

Monday, December 9, 2002

I TRY to keep up on the news as best I can and sometimes I notice little things that aren't connected in the stories but maybe should be, or maybe should be at least considered. Don't laugh. Promise you won't laugh at me. (c: I'm talking specifically about United Airlines declaring bankruptcy and Boston's Catholic Church declaring bankruptcy. Isn't it just a little bit strange that one is declaring bankruptcy right after the other? Two MAJOR businesses. I don't know if there's any connection between the one and the other, but I bet there is, and because the Catholic Church in Boston is declaring bankruptcy so has United Airlines. Why? What's going on? I mean, I KNOW there's no surface connection to go on here, but it's too much of a coincidence. What is the connection between the two? Did the Catholic Church in Boston fund United Airlines, and if so why? The simplest explanation seems to me that Boston's Catholic Church and United Airlines are the same thing. And because of this giant sex scandal in the Catholic Church I'd be wary of pilots and stewardesses on United Airlines flights. lol I know that seems like a s t r e t c h or whatever, but I'm not saying you shouldn't fly with them or anything, I'm just saying that a close eye should be kept on them. And gawd, ALWAYS know where your kids are on their flights. I mean, there may be no connection, or the connection may be completely different than that, but it's best to be safe in this kind of thing. I mean, if it's not that, then what is it? *scratches head* WHY would the Catholic Church fund United Airlines? Ugh. There's so much the media DOESN'T report that makes it almost impossible to even know for sure there is a connection, let alone what it is. I turn on CNN or FOX or whatever, and they're ALWAYS covering the same damned thing over and over endlessly without adding to it. It's like news is just a new kind of reality entertainment TV now or something. And if you want to know what the connection between the Catholic Church and United Airlines is then well, tough luck I guess unless you're a reporter or a priest in the aeronatuics industry.

I had a good long talk on the phone with my Dad last night. For the most part it was good, it was good just to hear his voice after a pretty big gap in time. But I can't help but feel he's being an asshole about Tanner-Simpson. He's all cynical and shit saying he's just looking to bring him down like all the others when he should be focusing elsewhere. He DID have it pretty hard when mom disappeared, everyone thought he was guilty just because they had nobody better to suspect. Some people were supportive, others were total assholes. And I can see why he might be a little paranoid about THAT kind of stuff happening again, but it's not like he's even in the country for crying out loud, so who cares if the gossipers start up again? I can handle it (but it's not directed AT me either) and I couldn't care less if Brett can handle it. :- Dad really DRILLED me about everything that's been going on. I think he feels like he has to stay on top of the situation and that he can't from such a huge distance and that he can't come home to deal with it either because he's afraid of all the nasty thoughts people might be thinking of him. He actually told me to stop talking to Tanner-Simpson which is an order I'm going to COMPLETELY disobey, and I pretty much told him so on the phone, which did NOT go over very well and pretty much ended the conversation. *click* Ugh. I have to admit there's some growing resentment making me want to do things my Dad doesn't want me to. He's never home anymore. I feel abandoned and when he calls up like that I feel like he's just trying to use me for a purpose, that he's not really too interested in how I'm doing and what I'm doing and all that normal parent stuff. Blech.

*bangs head on wall next to computer* It's official. I've done something to piss Cheryl off. This happens every so often in the history of our friendship, which goes back pretty far. And it's not alway ME that causes the problem, just in case you're wondering, lol. ;-) But I guess it was me this time, or Cheryl thinks it was me, which is as good as it actually being me. Same effect. She's now very clearly avoiding me, which I guess I already knew, but last night's cover-up phonecall and her seeing me today in the hall at school and turning away like she didn't notice me, well...that cinches it for me. Blech. I can't think of anything I've done that would piss her off. Honestly, there's been no fight or anything like that. I'm wrecking my brains trying to think of something I might have overlooked. Ack! I'm going insane trying to retrace every action I've done for the past couple of months. Maybe I should start another journal that just lists my every action and keep it private, for my own use, or make it public so maybe the people that read me out there could see inside my head a little better and see that I'm not JUST some dippy bitch (gawd I hate that word) or man-hating loon or something. I don't know, anyway... All I can come up with is that Cheryl was either offended by something I've said in my blog, which if so only makes it clearer to me it's best to avoid letting those close to me read it OR her new beau is eating up all her time and she feels bad about unkempt promises and stuff. Or maybe both. I guess I was a little critical about her eagerness over that last boy. But THAT's no reason to just start avoiding me. Cheryl, if you are reading this and I know you probably are, PLEASE just tell me what I did to piss you off, or give me a hint at the very least!!! I don't know! What? *giant sighs*

Tonight I have some 'business most grave' to discuss with Patrick and Chris and Matthew about Ray. We have a practice tonight, which is desperately needed after 'the incident', so we can try to get back on our feet and work with Matthew and get back into a rhythm of practices and all that stuff again and we'll be discussing the whole 'music therapy' thing. ??? So here's a dilemma...If we DO do the music therapy thing with Ray a couple of times a week, and it would only be for an hour or an hour and a half or so, should we include Matthew? Matthew is great, it's not a matter of him being a dick or anything like that, but he's Ray's replacement and I wonder how well knowing that would sit with Ray. BUT, on the other side, how can we just neglect Matthew like that, amking him feel like he's in the band, but not really? Ugh. Matthew is sweet and I'm sure if we asked him not to come with us to these therapy sessions he'd say he totally understood, but even if his head understand I'm afraid his heart will be bruised anyway no matter what we say or how logical it is. )c: I probably shouldn't fret over this kind of particular shit just yet though, we haven't even officially decided we'd do it yet, though I'm kind of certain we will. More on that later... *bats eyes* Julian is like the central pole in the broken and super-fast merry-go-round that is my life. lol He's always there. He says everything right. Even more important, he does and says enough things wrong that he's not completely perfect, which only makes him more perfect in my eyes. Like I mentioned before, I can totally envision having a life with a house and children and weekend mushroom hunts in the forest and everything wonderful with him. I hesitate to say it, especially since it's still so early in our relationship and everyone that says it so early usually ends up being full of shit, but I think I might be in love with him. *blushes* He's going to practice with me tonight, and then afterwards we'll go out to eat and maybe do homework together or something, whatever. Something quiet, but WITH him. Gawd, I so missed him while I was away and while he was away on 'family business'. His brother has some mental problems or whatever. He's been in institutions before, but he's not completely dysfunctional I guess. He's been married something like three times, he's popular with his friends, he's pretty damn smart according to Julian. He's what people in the past would have called 'eccentric', but what they call today 'schizophrenic', which basically means the same thing. Sometimes his eccentricities get him in trouble with the law, and that's what happened just recently. I guess he had been hanging around outside a Synagogue (or however you spell it) like stripping or something. Well, I guess he stripped all the way naked and he was dancing in the street, which seems pretty harmless to me, but it got him arrested. Someone in the Synagogue called the police on him, thinking it was some kind of Aryan Nazi shithead starting something or whatever. I'm not too clear on why exactly they called the police, but he has mutton chops and he's white and wears tight jeans and stuff like that, so he fits the stereotype of the redneck Nazi type pretty well. OK, and I guess there's a school down the road too, which would make the police more willing to arrest him. Still, if they just arrested him for dancing naked outside a synagogue on the possibility that he's some kind of racist nut, then isn't that a kind of racism too, even if it's just against a white guy?

I'm going to try another vet tomorrow. Puck is good most of the time, but in that 5 percent of the time that he's being his namesake, he's a DEMON! lol It's kind of amusing and cute in a way, but alway very much after the fact. It was totally *GROSS*, he actually took a dump on my bed! I know you aren't supposed to hit animals just like you aren't supposed to hit kids or the elderly or anyone as a general rule for that matter, but it took everything in me from not hitting him, because he DOES know better. And he tore up a pillow I like to use, getting the stuffing everywhere. And he'll be laying on my lap and then all of a sudden his claws shoot out into my leg, which hurts but the worst damage from that is how it pulls little loops of my pants out. There's a definate message going on here. Maybe he hasn't forgiven me for abandoning him to go to Chann's funeral or something. I don't know. But soemtimes I get the impression Puck is passive aggressive or whatever the term is for his behavior. LOL I laugh, but it's frustrating. :-@

*hugs and waves*

Monday, December 9, 2002

I can't believe it's time to archive again already! But it is and I have, as you can plainly see, lol. :-P It seems like it was just 4 months ago that I started this thing, and when I go through all the archived entries it's amazing how much I guess has actually happened, even though my life from day to day seems so dull and boring. LOL I must just forget most of what happens in my life and I just assume it's all been boring and quiet. Um...anyway enough of the nostalgia for a JOURNAL, lol...

I've decided I'm not going to let Brett keep pulling my legs off and I'm not going to keep getting so angry at him like we're still little kids punching each other in the arms. He's a dickhead, we've established that. He did a pretty bad job of hacking my blog. He's trying to mess with my head with this whole email thing now too, I'm sure of it. So, 'James Duft' aka Brett, just fuck off and be satisfied with your loser life. And 'Darryl Caruthers' also aka Brett, fuck off and maybe consider seeing a psychiatrist several times a week! This is pathetic, but now I've got you figured out and I'm not falling for it anymore. Ugh. I should have realized it was you when you kept including that totally out of context Noam Chomsky quote. Only someone like you could do that and still think you're witty or something. How cliched is the posing indie person being a devout Chomsky sheep? Bah bah bah. Damnit, I should have seen through such a hollow shell to the even more rotten core that is my vindictive brother, a relation I've stopped admitting in public. >:-(

On a (much) lighter note, though it's kind of embarrassing to admit, I made an ass of myself TO myself (and Puck I guess) yet again. *blushes all over* I was sitting...upstairs...in a room (lol, can you tell I'm avoiding saying I was in the bathroom?) when I started hearing this tinkling noise like little bells. Sooooo, I...um...hurried up so I could go see what it was. Gawd, I totally leapt to the conclusion that it was faeries and when I came out I ran downstairs to see what was going on. LOL It was a Christmas commercial on the TV. But in all seriousness, I decided to go for a walk today, which I don't do often enough, and I was just walking around the neighborhood trying to keep my blood warm enough that I didn't turn into a statue and I noticed the Lyon's down the street had these totally cheesy looking lawn gnomes in their yard. I only noticed because that seems so totally out of the ordina