The beauty of a debt is its payment

Two Jews are going along the dark alley. Suddenly robbers jump out of the corner and demand money. Nowhere to go... Jews take out their purses and one says to another:
- Moshe, do you remember that I owed you 200 dollars? So, I give them back before witnesses.

F*ck off!

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in a distance.
Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the fisherman wondered:
- Hey, man! Why are you rowing with spoons? Take the oars!
- F*ck off!!!!!!!!!!

Chocolate

Jewish grandson asked his Jewish grandpa to buy him a chocolate. So next time when grandpa visited his grandson, the latter asked:
- Grandpa, where is my chocolate?
Grandpa thought for a second and answered:
- Sorry grandson, there were no chocolates in the shop, only lollipops.
Next time the situation repeated. Finally, when grandpa once again answered that there were only lollipops in the shop, grandson said:
- Ok. Buy me a lollipop then.
Grandpa thought for a second and said:
- Remember, grandson, while your grandpa is still alive, you will eat only chocolates.

We are not deer!

A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting:
- We are not deer! We are not deer!
The old hunter notices the hunters, takes aim at them and mumbles:
- Shut up, deer!

Before drinking

- Vodka influences us even before drinking! For example, I've just bought a bottle of vodka and haven't opened it yet, but I'm already in a good mood!
- In fact, I'm going to give up drinking because my hands are shaking...
- That's what I am talking about! You have only started thinking of it, but your body already protests against it.

The first in the line

Doctor's round in the morning.
In the first ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the second ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the third ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Sore throat.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of sore throat?
Nurse: We paint his throat with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: Yes, can I be the first in the line for the iodine treatment?

Don't sell bread to little Jewish boys

Odessa. An ordinary Jewish family. Little son returns from the shop without bread and with tears in his eyes, saying that owner of the shop told him that they "don't sell bread to little Jewish boys".
Of course, the father gets mad and rushes into the shop, shouting:
- Why haven’t you sold bread to my son?! This is Antisemitism!!
An old Jew, the owner of the shop, raises his eyebrows and says:
- What's with all the noise? Have you tasted this yesterday's bread?!!!

Russian panacea

Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

Lecture about love (with pictures)

Announcement in the Soviet Union village: "Lecture about love (with pictures)". All the countrymen gathered in the village club.
Lecturer: Love can be between a man and a woman...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: Also love can be between a man and a man...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: Besides love can be between a woman and a woman...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: And finally there is love for our country, Soviet Union... And now the pictures!

I want to live in the Soviet Union

Teacher: Where are the best toys?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Teacher: And where are the tastiest candies?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Teacher: So where are the happiest children?
Children: In the Soviet Union!
Suddenly Vovochka started to cry bitterly.
Teacher: Vovochka, why are you crying?
Vovochka: (through tears) I want to live in the Soviet Union!

Am I cold?

Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard:
- David! Go home!
The son raises his head and cries:
- Am I cold?
- No. You want to eat!

Sleep like a baby

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really?
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

A small defect

- You are so perfect! Where is the small defect I was told about in the marriage agency?
- Ah, Vovochka... He is at school now, but he will be at home soon.

The same mistakes in the dictation

Teacher to Vovochka:
- Vovochka, both you and your neighbor Sidorova have the same mistakes in the dictation. Why?
- Well, both of us have the same teacher, Maria Ivanovna!

I can see your naked wife right from my window

A man to his neighbor:
- I can see your naked wife in the bathroom right from my window. Do something about it!
- Where? I can’t see anything...
- Just climb on the wardrobe and you will see!