just in case anyone has been curious.

for all practical purposes, essentially done with college. three papers and a presentation stand between my receiving the diploma, in just a week and a half. it's been a fun, full ride.

torn.

over this whole grad school thing. I'm not sure that I'll be doing it, come this time next year. The way this semester is going, I'm surprised sometimes that I have time to breathe -- but then, I never was one for that silly 'senior slide' notion. Anyway, I'm still considering doing grad school next year, and if not then, perhaps in a year or two after graduation, so that I will have had a feel for teaching high school mathe. I've already taught a few lessons in practicum -- I'm loving it thus far -- but that's one unique thing at one school, and it might be different when I student teach all spring or when I *gulp* find a job to teach after graduation. Who knows? perhaps I'll get sick of high school level mathe. and miss research so much that I decide I need to go back.

I'm still trying to figure out if grad school is something that I want to do, or something that [seemingly] everyone else wants and expects me to do. I know I'm not a selfless, altruistic martyr, but truly and honestly, I am so used to doing what is expected of me that I'm having a very hard time figuring this out. I also know that, pretty much for the first time with a major decision, either way I go, someone or another is going to be disappointed in me over it, which bothers me. Oh, and thanks in advance, I know I 'shouldn't care what other people think,' and I should 'just do what [I] want to do, and forget the rest of them,' but as I've just explained, I don't know what [I want to do] is, and, beneath the ever-sarcastic thick surface, I'm apparently secretly much too nice of a person [to forget the rest of them]. Sorry, that's just the standard line everyone throws at me over this. I do appreciate feedback, but that's just one line I'm tiring of.

Hopefully I'll figure this whole thing out soon, and then we can go back to blog entries about .. hmm. fiction? drawings? poems? random facts about me? I don't know; I'll try to think of something for the next time I take the liberty of time between homeworks.

news tidbits

1. the Ideal's wedding: I don't think his parents know that he and I can't be friends anymore. However, I was the only person his dad hugged whilst welcoming people into the church before the ceremony. After the reception, both his mom and dad expressed how happy they were that I could make it, and said they hoped I'd visit so that they'd see me soon. I also got to talk with the Ideal during the reception. Anyone who thought his wife having issues was behind it all, give yourself 5 points. He said that maybe after things calmed down after the wedding, and she felt secure in married life, that we could perhaps be in contact again. But it will never be the same. [[And I'm a little disjointed over not having the option of being a friend of the *couple*, but.. ]] Life goes on.

2. I donated my hair. First short haircut since I was 8. [[21 now...]] First time my hair is shorter than Princess' hair. First time I've had my hair professionally cut. I had literally no idea what I was doing. They kept asking what I wanted like I actually knew. I left it in their hands. [[Just short of chin length, for the curious. And the blogmother thinks it looks good.]]

3. I'm in my senior year of college. I'm in the Secondary Education program this year. Three days a week, I drive an hour away to do practicum in a senior high school. My teacher there has 2 blocks of PreCalc and 1 of Problem Solving Algebra for Freshman. I'm having a blast there -- helping students, correcting, monitoring halls, etc. -- and I'll be teaching a mini lesson next week. Fun! In October, I present my research work [again] at a Math Conference; this time, one in Minnesota. In December, I wrap up my mathe degree with my Senior Seminar presentation and paper. During spring semester, I'll be student teaching, most likely in the Twin Cities. Then, I graduate. And then?

4. ...Grad school?

--eek!

[[any advice, ideae, or suggestions welcome.]]

never could get the hang of wednesdays...

an e-mail i received an hour ago:

"Ame,

"This might blind-side you a bit, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while and is being forced to the front more and more urgently. Pardon the e-mail, but I wanted to try to choose my words wisely... I rather doubt it worked, but it was worth a shot.

"The last time we talked, you were inquiring about coming down to visit me sometime, and I said I was just too busy for that. That's true, but things are more complicated than that. I'm sure you've noticed, but lately I've been distancing myself from you. What you wouldn't know is that I've been distancing myself from all of my female friends. Most of them, I think, have sort of expected it and understand, many of them are friendships that have been dying for some time. But some of them just don't seem to get the significance of the fact that I'm getting married in less than a month. I've had a couple conversations trying to explain things, and they have not gone well, but that doesn't matter. The fact remains that I'm getting married.

"[Fiancee] is the love of my life. She's the one I go to for everything and anything. She is the very last person that I would want to hurt in any kind of way. She's my one and only. I have no business running around with another girl, whether it's hanging out for a weekend or just an afternoon. Not because she's jealous, not because she doesn't trust me, and not because she doesn't trust you. Simply because I cherish and respect her too much to ever give her even the shadow of a doubt about my faithfulness. I've had a number of female friends through high school and college, and I have no regrets about that. They've all helped to make me who I am today. But I really can't be keeping other females as my close friends anymore. Married life is challenging enough. I can't let something so simple and so foolish come between [Fiancee] and I as the fact that my friends are potentially a threat to her. I'm not saying that she wouldn't understand that we're just friends. I'm saying that I'm not even going to ask her to understand. She shouldn't have to. I know how I'd feel if she were running around with a bunch of guys all the time even though I love her with all my heart and trust her completely, and I refuse to put her through that. Spending a day with a girl other than [Fiancee] is uncomfortable for me and completely inappropriate for my situation, and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be for her.

"As I mentioned above, you are not the only one with whom I've run into this. I don't mean to be unkind, but I have to make sure you understand. It's just plain not right for a (almost) married man to be spending his time with other girls. I'm not going to pretend you don't exist and I'm not going to refuse to socialize when the opportunity presents itself, but I'm not going to try to keep a deep and important relationship going. I can't be on the phone with girls all the time , and I can't be opening my e-mail to a whole list of messages from other girls. That's just the way it is. My place is with the guys. That's a change that started a bit before I met [Fiancee] for various reasons, and as my relationship with [Fiancee] grew, my friendships with other girls waned even more. They had to in order for me to continue to draw closer to [Fiancee], and now that our hearts are joining as one, there just isn't room for relationships with other girls both for my sake and for [Fiancee]'s.

"I know this is probably coming out of nowhere, and I know this is probably the last thing you wanted to hear. For that, I am sorry. I don't want to burn any bridges or cause unnecessary hurt, but I need to be clear: I'm getting married. My heart, my time, my talents, and my self, are now hers as much as mine, and that needs to be evident beyond any doubt to everyone, and most importantly, to [Fiancee].

"Thank you for understanding.
God bless you richly,
the Ideal"

10 Things You May Not Have Known About Me XXXI

[[haven't done one of these in a while, have i...]]

1. I haven't remembered a dream since age 7.
2. In that dream, there was a giant basilisk in my grade school [think Harry Potter, but before Harry Potter. also, I didn't know the term basilisk then; but it applies].
3. Once every 3 years or so, I wake up with the sensation that I'm falling, but otherwise, I remember nothing.
4. Early yesterday morning [4.30 a.m.?] I woke up remembering a dream.
5. This dream didn't have any unrealistic indicators of slumber in it; there was nothing weird about it. It was like everyday life. And really, any dreams from before the basilisk one were realistic in quality as well.
6. In that most recent dream, I was going about my day and the news was delivered to me to get home as soon as possible. And then I was told that my dad had died.
7. Imagine the grief.
8. Then wake up and experience it -- the overwhelming emotion of it all, sweeping over you, drowning you, keeping you wide awake...
9. Finally, I got up for work around 6.00 a.m., and felt infinite relief and happiness as I saw my dad, sleeping on the couch [not in trouble with my mom, just dealing with allergy problems], and as I heard him snoring now and again whilst I washed my hair, ate breakfast, etc.
10. Some people might tell me I'm missing out on having wonderful dreams. I think I'm much happier as I am, without ever remembering them.

from postsecret

----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, May 05, 2008 2:19 AM
Subject: intellectual woman

As an intellectual (and heterosexual) man, I'm more and more afraid I'll have to give up finding you- speak up! I'm looking and looking as best as I can, but I'm not seeing you right off....

squee!...

Guess who leaves for California on Friday, in order to give a talk at a Math Conference Special Session in her research area?

...just a little bit 'scurred'...

In other news, it's the last two weeks of classes before finals. Originally, I thought I'd get home Thursday of finals week, and get to hang out with the Ideal, Ish, etc. for about a day before they all graduate on Saturday. However, there's the small matter of an Awards ceremony up here at college that Friday night of finals week, recognizing 2007-2008 Scholars of the College, that's putting a crimp in those plans...

bad news comes in how many...?

Some of you may recall these posts about my uncle Mick. Mick and M.[[his wife, my aunt]] were actually around Minnesota a lot this past summer, so that Mick could get chemo and radiation treatment at Mayo clinic for his stomach cancer. They're usually in Michigan, so you can imagine how much my g-ma, as well as my cousins [[two of their daughters, and their families / significant others]] enjoyed having them nearby, as did the rest of us.

When the school year started, they were back to Saginaw so M. could teach. Mick still had regular appointments with his oncologists, and treatments, and tests. We've heard some good reports and some bad reports these last few months.

Today, we heard from Mick. He had a meeting with his oncologist. At the last meeting, we learned the cancer had not spread to his liver, thankfully, although his continued drastic weight loss is still a problem.

At this most recent meeting, we learned that the cancer has for certain spread to his pelvic region. Mick and M. asked if anything could be done. His oncologist mentioned something experimental, that not only wasn't guaranteed to work, he couldn't suggest that it would prolong life at all.

His oncologist estimates that he has 2 months to live, maybe less.

And all this just 2-2.5 months after Hope, his younger sister, passed away...

what i do during classes: junior year edition

yay

for a root canal tomorrow..