Ive been stung by many things in my life, more times than I care to remember. Fortunately, I don’t go into Anaphylactic Shock, or I’d be dead. The Juju Woman is highly allergic, and is never without an epinephrine autoinjector (EpiPen). Keeps one with her at all times. Hell, I keep one with me, just in case hers won’t function. Anaphylaxis is some bad bad juju. It will kill you really fast. I’ve been to the emergency room with her more times than I care to remember.

When I was a young kid, I was stung by just about everything that could sting me. A couple of bee stings was no big deal, but I wrecked my bicycle into a hive of bees, and was stung about forty times. It hurt like like hell, but I didn’t develop an allergic reaction. I was sick for a few days, though. I’ve been stung on multiple occasions by hornets; that hurts like hell. I’ve been stung on multiple occasions by Red Wasps; that also hurts like hell. I been stung by so many Yellow Jackets it’s not even funny. Some Yellow Jackets build their nests underground. A couple of years ago, we had some friends visiting from Austria. Husband, wife, and a ten year old young man. Well, we’re hanging out on the Stretchengetti, and Stretch starts to dig. Doxies are diggers. Anyway, he dug up a Yellow Jacket nest, and they swarmed. Stretch was stung six times, the kid was stung 11 times, and I was stung six times. Stretch and I were even. So, after I removed all the “stingers” barbs from all of us and pressed ‘em with tobacco, I put on long pants and a long sleeved shirt, gloves, and a ski mask…I went outside, poured gasoline down the entrance to the nest, and fired it up. I probably used too much gas because I damn near set the neighborhood on fire. I had to bust out the hose and put a lot of water in the nest hole. In the end I wne, but my yard was burned up pretty good. I’ve also gotten crossed up with Fire Ants. The problem with Fire Ants, is that there are so many of them.

The two worse stings I’ve ever had were:

I was in north coastal Florida and a friend called one morning and asked me to bail him out of jail. I told him I didn’t remember where my car was. It was a hell of a night. He said, no problem, take mine, the keys are in the ignition. I took my boots, threw ‘em in the back seat, and drove to the jail. This particular jail was surrounded by a tall fence, and you had to buzz in and state your business. I put my boots on, laced ‘em up, and rang the buzzer. Then it hit me in the the tender area between the ball and heel on my right foot. It hit me again, and I’m telling you, it hurt like hell. I immediately fell to the ground and starting unlacing my boots, took ‘em off, turned ‘em up upside down, and started shaking ‘em. A fucking Scorpion falls out. I beat that fucker flat. I walk into the jail, carrying my boots, and the dead flat scorpion, and told the jailers this thing just stung me, twice. Almost immediately, I started to get all queasy and dizzy. Passed out for a bit. The next thing I know is I’m in the back of a police crusher, lights and sirens blaring, on the way to the emergency room. I do remember the doctors were concerned, and gave me some shots, and hooked me up to some monitoring shit, and I passed out again. Did I mention, I had a world class hangover when this happened. They kept me about eight hours and discharged me with a bunch of pills, and instructions to my friends to put me to bed, watch him, end ensure he take these pills. I slept straight through for about 48 hours, and I have no recollection of the minor watch party going on in my bedroom. Don’t remember being awakened to take the pills. Don’t remember anything, really. My foot was sore for about two weeks after that, but I needed the sleep. Don’t even remember dreaming.

I’m swimming about thirty or forty yards off the off the coast, and got wrapped up in a Portuguese Man o’ War. Its streamers went over my left shoulder, around my back, under my left arm, and across my chest. I’m talking pain. I was just trying to make it to the beach, while trying to get that fucker off me, and as I was trying to pull it off, it got my arms, legs, and the right side of my face. It hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. I got to the beach, and it was still stinging me. I finally got it off me, and I had these red welts all over me. HURT.LIKE.HELL. Although the intense pain subsided in a few hours, it took several weeks to recover from the welts.

All said and done, I’ve also been stung by a beautiful, highly intelligent, humanoid female before. That can also be painful. Happens to everybody. Part of living.