Parents of college-age children may look forward to summer break, excited to see their child home again and part of the fabric of the family. However, by mid-summer the gloss may have worn off, particularly if the family also has younger siblings in the household.
Often the return of a college student causes conflicts between the siblings as well as between the parents and child. Being an independent being is heady for a young adult, and returning to his childhood home may be a difficult transition for everyone involved. Whether returning from Iowa State, Iowa, DMACC, or an out-of-state college, a newly-discovered sense of independence and self-importance is at the root of many of these family conflicts.
Sibling Conflict
New attitudes and beliefs may cause conflict between siblings. College students question values and standards taught at home. They learn new ideas and they challenge stereotypes. These attitudes may upset younger siblings and cause arguments.
An unwillingness to help with regular household chores may be a part of a newly-returned college student's behavior pattern. After having no one to tell them to pick up their wet towels, put away their laundry or wash their own dishes for nine months, they may be out of the habit. Younger siblings will likely become angry if the older kids don't have to help out.
Sarcasm, speaking down to siblings, or argumentativeness may have become a part of the college student's way of speaking to his family. It's not unusual for a child returning from college to look down on siblings, tease or betlittle them since they are "less mature" and "so naive." The students will likely have changed while at school, and a new-found sense of superiority is sometimes part of that change.
Conflict With Parents
"Those are stupid rules!" is a phrase familiar to many parents of college students. Returning college children are used to making their own rules, staying out as late as they want, and answering to no one but themselves. While parents realize that's what happens at college, most are unwilling to allow that behavior in the home -- especially when younger siblings have curfews, jobs and restrictions on driving the family cars.
Getting a job becomes a sore spot with some families. Parents may have the expectation that a child will come home and immediately begin a job search, while a returning college student is ready for a few months of R & R.
Included in that R & R plan may be the idea that mom will take over again as head maid. Some returning college students think that they should have all same privileges of being on their own while having none of the responsibilities of cooking, cleaning or helping out in the yard. This attitude often causes conflicts with parents.
Parenting Tips
If these conflicts sound familiar, it may be too late for the best medicine: Prevention.
Ideally, anticipating possible conflicts and heading them off is the best way to reduce conflict with the returning college child. Let them know before they even leave school of your expectations. Here are some phrases you can use:
"I know you're used to keeping your own schedule now that you're at college, but when you're living at home, we'll still need to know where you are all the time."
"Even though I know you feel that you are an adult now, if you're living at home we have a curfew of ______." This could be a slightly later curfew than the child had as a high school student, but one with which you are comfortable.
"I know it may be hard to get used to again, but when you live at home, you'll be on the chore chart, and we expect that you'll do your part."
"We are so glad you'll be living at home during the summer. It will help you save money when you get a job. If you're living at home, we'll expect you to work at a job. We're happy to help you find work by contacting people we know." Parents with contacts at Des Moines businesses such as Pioneer, Principal or HyVee can often help their children find good summer work.
If it's too late for preventative medicine, then taking the child out for lunch together and calmly letting him know that there is a problem is important. Explain the problems as you see them, and ask for the child's opinion on what can be done to improve the situation. For example, here are some conversation starters that may help.
"I've noticed more arguing between you and your brother than we used to have, and I would really like it to change. Do you have any ideas on how that can happen?"
"I know you probably feel like you are independent, but it is important to us that everyone who lives at home helps out with chores. What do you think would be fair to ask of you?"
Ask for the input, ask clarifying questions and make suggestions until both parents and children agree on a plan. This may mean in the end that the returning college student only stays home for a few weeks then goes back to school to work and live, and that may be the right solution for some families.
While there won't be overnight peace and joy, identifying the issues and discussing them can be the beginning of a higher level of home happiness with a college student home for the summer.
Comments