Ask Bossy

Dear Bossy: I, like many of your readers I’m sure, have the family-is-sending-me-friggin-crazy–over-Christmas-arrangements shits and would appreciate some advice.

Here’s the sitch: my husband and I thought we had arranged for us and our toddler to go to his dad and stepmother’s house for Christmas this year, arriving on Christmas Eve. Father-in-law is getting on in years and can be forgetful so we made a point of checking if our visit would be OK several weeks ago while we were all together in the same room – they said it would be fine, and that we could stay in their granny flat for a few days, and that all the other family (my husband’s siblings and step siblings) would be there too, some on Christmas Eve and others on Christmas Day.

Fast forward to yesterday and I ring to check if they want us to bring anything besides ingredients for the salads we had already agreed to supply … anyway, turns out stepmother-in-law has made arrangements for her and her father-in-law (and most of my husband’s family, including his siblings, step siblings, nephews and niece) to have a Christmas Eve get-together at her nearby beach house …. and we’re not invited. She says she thought we were arriving on Christmas day.

I am pretty upset, not so much about not being invited to the step-family celebration (it would be nice if we could all get together but I don’t want to intrude), but by what feels to me like an almost deliberate attempt to ignore/avoid communication, also the fact that they have invited just about everyone – uncles, aunties, cousins – to this bash but are now saying it’s too big and we’re not invited. Having spent several years coming second to the stepfamily we just want to spend some time together as a family (hard to believe, but we all usually get along very well) but it seems stepmother-in-law doesn’t want this but didn’t have the guts to say this back when we proposed a Christmas Eve-Christmas morning celebration.

I know the whole family is going to have a ball on Christmas Eve and will be hungover/tired on Christmas day, as this is exactly what happened last time we visited them for Christmas lunch several years ago – and precisely the reason we wanted to come down Christmas Eve this time instead.

I know it would be bad form to pull out entirely at this point, but it’s what I feel like doing.

How do I get through Christmas without letting my annoyance at this whole stupid situation make things even more uncomfortable?

Bah humbug.

Bossy says: Say what? Your husbands half-siblings and “full” siblings are going to this shindig but you can’t come because they forgot you were coming on Christmas Eve? And there’s not enough room?  Pardon me for saying so but that sounds like a total crock. You’re not a football team. You are two adults and a small child. Just how much extra catering do they have to provide?

Normally my advice would be to let things be - if you’re not invited to an event well it’s just too bad. But it’s Christmas and this is family. So here’s what you, or better yet, your husband need to do.

Don’t waste your time being annoyed. Don’t whine and complain or be passively resentful. Get your husband to say to his dad and step mum: “We actually feel pretty left out. Considering everyone else in the family will be there we feel a bit hurt that you want us to just sit at home in the granny flat while you are at the party. We understand you may not have expected us even though we told you we were coming Xmas Eve but we’d like to think you can make room for us anyway. Is it not possible to prevail on X and Y (the step family holding the party) and ask them if we can please come along to share in the Christmas spirit? We will of course bring grog and are more than happy to bring some food to help with the catering.”

This is good, but it is actually far better - if you know the “steps” holding the party well enough - to call them direct and put it on them. As I said might normally be stretching it a bit, but they are (sort-of) family, your other siblings will be there and it is Christmas.

If you do talk to them don’t lay on the trip about being hurt (save that for you dad). Just tell them you know numbers are tight but you are in town and had told your folks you would be and hope they can squeeze you in. If someone rang me with the same request i would have only one reply..."absolutely." Repeat offer of booze and food.

If they do refuse, or umm and ahh about numbers, just graciously back out. You can’t make gracious people out of people who are not.

It is the wrong thing to do on their part but they may have their reasons. Don’t make it the reason you back out of Xmas. That’s a tantrum. You have far more style than they do.

Try to enjoy Xmas day if you do miss out on the Xmas Eve celebrations.
All the best to you and to all the rest of the Bossy bloggers. Have a Merry Christmas.