This Blog Is Rated '18'

"Under certain circumstances, ", said Mark Twain, "profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer".

Now I'm not much for liturgy, but I do try and keep the blasphemy, sacrilege and general cussing on this site to a minimum. That's why I'm highly amused to discover that one part of this blog - not the whole site, but just the Politics section - has been blocked to local schools and others in Newham council for alleged 'profanity':
I can only assume that it's my distaste for the saintly Stephen Fry that's the cause of this web-based fit of the vapours. Unless, of course, constantly referring to Newham's glorious Mayor as 'The Great Helmsman' is just too vulgar and irreverent...

Thank you to the reader who passed this information on to me, along with the image above.

Artist Offends The German Police!

From Agence France-Presse (AFP):

BERLIN — A prize-winning lifelike sculpture of a squatting policewoman urinating has whipped up a storm of protest in Germany, where it went on prominent display last week.

The work entitled "Petra" by 27-year-old German sculptor Marcel Walldorf is made of silicone and metal and has pitted public officials against art world aficionados in the debate over what is acceptable in the name of high culture.

It depicts a young female police officer in full riot gear crouching to pee, with exposed buttocks and a small gelatin "puddle" affixed to the floor of the gallery at the Academy of Fine Arts in Dresden, eastern Germany.

The work entitled "Petra" was completed one year ago and has captured a 1,000-euro (1,328-dollar) prize by the prestigious Leinemann Foundation for fine arts.

"It shows very well the difference between the public sphere and the private sphere," the jury said.

But Saxony interior minister Markus Ulbig, who is responsible for the state's security services, told the German press he was "shocked" by the sculpture, which he branded "an insult to police officers."

The GdP police union also blasted the piece, saying it "breached the limits of artistic freedom."

"There have of course been letters of protest, particularly addressed to the artist," a spokeswoman for the Academy of Fine Arts, Andrea Weippert, told AFP.

But she insisted that the public response had been "overwhelmingly positive".

"People who visit the show are not offended," she said.

She said she was surprised by the attention given to the display of "Petra" in Dresden as it had already been featured in smaller shows in the cities of Berlin and Leipzig.

"The artist is exploring a taboo zone. 'Petra' is not a provocation," she said. "It is an observation of society."

Lloyd Hudson From Ilford: You're A Genius

According to dashperiod, a disgruntled Harrods employee, fired from his job as the toy department’s Father Christmas, back in spectacular style last night.

Gaining access to a maintenance control room, Lloyd Hudson, 35, from Ilford, Essex, was able to locate the chart and corresponding switches for Harrods’ 10,000 external lights.

Barricading himself in, Hudson disabled the correct lights until he could spell out his feelings to Harrods bosses and Christmas shoppers alike. He was removed by security guards after an hour-long stand-off, then handed over to police.

"He had drunk the best part of two bottles of whisky,” said a spokesperson for the iconic London store, “and it’s that kind of behaviour that got him the sack in the first place.” Hudson has since been released on police bail.

Knightsbridge visitors were stunned.

"Honestly, I am disgusted," said Irene Rider, 59, from Gary, Indiana. "I was with my grandchildren. We had just gotten off the bus. I said 'look everybody' and pointed up to the lights – but you know what the lights said? They said f**k off. And that is not an appropriate message for a child. At least not at Christmas time."

It's just a shame that it's a spoof...

Who Says Americans Don't Do Irony?

This is near Warrensburg in the state of Missouri, just east of Kansas City. If only we'd seen the signs earlier...

64748 - The Number of the Boast

Private Eye's 'Rotten Boroughs' column has been having some fun alleging that sycophantic Newham council staff down at Building 1000 by the Royal Albert Docks have been busy thinking up ways to celebrate the 64, 748 votes the Great Helmsman received in May's elections.

Ideas apparently include t-shirts with "64 748" printed on them, the inclusion of the number on the Mayor's headed notepaper and "having the figure engraved on a pair of cuff links for the great man to wear". But none of these ideas seems substantial enough for a man of Sir Robin Wales' enormous importance and so I'm starting a competition for better suggestions.

To get the ball rolling, here's one initial idea: what about twinning Newham with Golden City, Missouri (population: 884), whose United States Postal Service zip code is 64748? Perhaps Building 1000 could be renamed 'Golden City' as a tribute?

Or perhaps this: surely there must be somewhere in the borough where D_C_X_LM_VDCCXLVIII (64748 in Roman numerals) could be carved for posterity and the enjoyment of future generations?

Or as the hexadecimal for dirty grey is #064748, perhaps Newham should abandon its use of imperial purple in the council logo and use this colour instead?

Anyway, enough nonsense from me. Competition entries by the end of August. Judge's decision is final.

UPDATE

An offline suggestion - and trust a member of the local Labour Party to offer something this harsh. Their idea is for a full-length jacket for both of Newham's MPs with the number 64748 embroidered along the bottom, as a tribute to their coat-tails that dragged up the Mayor's vote as constituents worried about the prospect of a Tory government. Ouch!

Bert & Ernie Ante Up

Love this... Kidnap that fool!

BP Spills Coffee

Yours Truly, Hyde Park Mob

On another note, a Facebook-organised example of that great London tradition, the anti-authoritarianism of the crowd, on Friday involved the latest mass water fight in Hyde Park and led to the Met police to draw batons on a bunch of boisterous teenagers.

The BBC reported the temporary closure of Oxford Street and the use of Section 60 stop & search powers (the ones usually aimed at football fans). I'm not sure whether water guns really count as "dangerous instruments or offensive weapons", but anyway, check out this video and the crap attempt at resisting arrest at 3 minutes 20 seconds:

Ceramic Seed Grenades For Guerilla Gardeners

These are fantastic - £12 for three is a bit steep though...

FOR SALE: One Saracen Armoured Personnel Carrier (As Seen On CCTV)

The Space Hijackers have announced that they are selling their Alvis Saracen Armoured Personnel Carrier, which contributed both to April 2009’s G20 protests and a substantial proportion of the prosecutions that followed. Charges of impersonating police officers were eventually dropped in January and now the Space Hijackers are parting company with their vehicle, nicknamed "FREDom", for £7000 (or nearest offer) so they can "focus on other projects".

Following the arrests in 2009, bungling Metropolitan police officers managed to crash the Saracen into one of their own riot vans as they were confiscating it, so it apparently needs some minor repairs, but otherwise it is in good condition. Viewings are available and unsurprisingly, the Space Hijackers insist that the buyer collects. Perhaps one of the police vehicle geeks who posted comments on this blog earlier this year might be interested?

SPECIFICATIONS

Saracen FV603 6 wheeled armoured personnel carrier
Seats 11 (8 passengers, one driver, one commander, one gunner)
Size - 2.5m x 5m x 2.5m
Colour - Navy Blue with black and white checked stripes
Built - 1957
MOT / Road Tax - Exempt
Annual Insurance - approx. £130
Driving Licence Category - D1 (large minibus)
Petrol Consumption - don't even ask

Asking price - £7000 ono

Nick Clegg Offered For Sale On eBay

How very appropriate - Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has been offered for sale on eBay:

You are bidding for the affections of this man, a Spanish speaking manufacturer and creator of kings. Yes, if you need a king swiftly fabricated, then this is your man! May be interested in part exchange for electoral reform and break-up of financial institutions, WHY - cash either way.

No "buy-it-now" price but make him an offer and he'll do you a deal!

May be of use to those with an interest in running the country.

Cash on collection.

Those with less than 220 seats, contact me first before bidding. Advertised due to nation of timewasters. Please do not bid if you cannot make up your mind.

Anyone seeking to cobble together a coalition government - or a desire to make the orange Tory Boy their gimp - has until 14 May to make a bid.

UPDATE

NICK CLEGG HAS SOLD OUT! - or, rather, eBay has removed the listing.

I Don't Predict A Riot

From the US - according to its makers, "the only energy drink that can spark a riot when consumed. Anarchy Energy Fuel is filled with the ingredients to propel your disorderly ways. No other drink compliments a molotov cocktail quite as well as Anarchy Energy Fuel."

Further proof that capitalism will try and market anything - especially rebellion. For trustafarian anarchos only.

Hat-tip: @snookcocker

Cameron's Common People

For more posters see mydavidcameron.com. I'm actually quite impressed by the Shat's version of 'Common People' !

Oxford Police's Riot Shield Tobogganists Reprimanded

The BBC reports that police officers filmed using riot shields to sledge down Boars Hill in Oxford while on duty (or as one wag on Twitter puts it, "abusing UK's largest cocaine haul") have been reprimanded.

Supt Andrew Murray from Thames Valley Police, said:

"I have spoken to the officers concerned and reminded them in no uncertain terms that tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers' expense is a very bad idea should they wish to progress under my command."

Here's the video:

New Year Redux

... and this from Mark Fiore...

Ominous Music Heard Throughout US Sends Nation Into Panic

More brilliance from The Onion:

Cameron Billboard Spoof

Following reports of the heavily airbrushed close-up of the Tory leader on campaign hoardings, Liberal Conspiracy has been compiling the best Cameron billboard poster spoofs.

Here are my contributions - use the My David Cameron website to create your own.

Monckton v Gore - The Climate Change Rap

The Matrix: Reassembled

It's had to believe that ten years have passed since the release of The Matrix. To celebrate, someone has taken the time (440 hours, to be precise) to make a Lego version of the famous Bullet Time scene:

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

More brilliance from The Onion:

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."