Kate de Brito
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 at 08:16am
Dear Bossy: I am in real need of some advice and I hope that you and your readers can help me.
About 2 ½ years ago a co-worker (C) and I got caught by his wife (W) exchanging sexual banter to each other online. The result to this, as you can imagine was horrifying and I still haven’t forgiven myself for being so naïve and insensitive. (Lesson learnt…BIG TIME!)
I was in so much shock that I fessed up to my boyfriend, of whom I am still with. I am happy I did, because it didn’t take long for W to track down him down and tell him the whole thing via email. As my current relationship with my boyfriend was only very new when this all happened, he took it ok and we have been happy ever since. As for them, it has been a lot harder – but after a lot of grief and hard work, they are still together to this day.
Now, this is where the advice comes in. Next month (11th Dec) is our staff Christmas party and C & W have RSVP’d ‘yes’ to the event. Even though this was 2 and half years ago, it still sits very fresh in mind and I am sure they’d feel the same. I want to know how I can deal with a situation like this. They have avoided all Christmas parties ever since this happened. Do you think perhaps they are ready to move on now and are happy to put the past behind them? Has anyone else (from either perspective) been in a similar situation?
Do I say hi?
Do I keep my distance?
Do I pretend like nothing ever happened?
Do I apologise to her?
Any advice will be helpful.
Thank you.
Bossy says: It’s a tough one. It’s hard to know what you should say because without knowing if you’ve ever met her before, or if you ever had the chance to apologise before now.
I think you need to be careful if you have never met about making any sort of approach. You don’t want to be running up and making gushing apologies on the night. She will be trying to be dignified and you throwing the whole thing back up in her face will probably ruin her night.
Having said that, if you stand across the room and keep your distance she may be appalled at your ability to just act like nothing ever happened. She may like the idea of seeing your and her husband together first hand so she can judge there is nothing going on.
Clearly it has taken this woman a long time to get past this betrayal but she now feels capable of being in the same room with you. No doubt she knows you are going to be there.
I like the idea of you being able to express remorse, but remember admissions of guilt or sorrow are sometimes more for ourselves than for others. She may not want to hear anything from you at all. She may want to pretend you don’t exist.
You have obviously had some contact with your co-worker since ‘email-gate’ so it may be appropriate to have a quiet word with him. Make sure this does not descend into intimate talk or could be considered talking about her behind her back. You could simply say, “I know you and W are coming to the party, do you think she would prefer me to stay away from her or could I come up to say hello and maybe even apologise for what happened in the past?”
He may be flustered just talking about it. If so don’t press it. But he may also be able to point you in the right direction. Whatever he says keep the conversation short and leave it at that.
In the end you may simply need to do what you think serves the situation best at the time. You cannot control the way she feels. While you made a mistake, you pulled up short before anything really serious happened. You don’t need to pay penance forever.
Do what needs to be done to make her comfortable at the party but don’t turn yourself inside out trying to read her mind. And if in doubt, stay on opposite sides of the room.
159 Comments
Hell girl stay clear, she may well still harbor massive resentment towards you. You could play it by ear and see how it goes, I think rushing up to give her an apology will backfire, if they speak to you even with just small talk, then perhaps you can do it then, otherwise I would stay clear to avoid an unnecessary conflict.
I can see why it is very uncomfortable for all involved, but honestly its been almost 3 years, adults by now should have put this behind them.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:25am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:17am)
Oh wow… So now Bossy goes back to silencing me… Way to not publish my comment. Remind me, how was it unhelpful?
Take #2, I’ll try again…
First let me just say I am DISGUSTED by your actions. Personally, in my opinion, you should be ashamed of yourself, which I think, deep down, you are, seeing as though you still aren’t over this “issue"…
I am glad that you have acknowledged your “big mistake”, and I can only hope that you have genuinely LEARN YOUR LESSON! Why you needed to send “sexy e-mails” to a work colleague, whom was married, while you had a partner is beyond me, however… Something that isn’t beyond me, is offering my honest opinion on this subject!
I don’t think you should attend the Christmas party… You have attended all of the other ones, and they haven’t. Let them have this one, hassle free to themselves. Hell, why don’t you just quit your job, clearly you aren’t over this “issue” if it’s ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND… Do you secretly desire that work colleague still? No? Okay good…
More than likely you WILL go though, so let me say, DO NOT TALK TO HER… Leave him and his spouse ALONE. You have already done enough damage in my opinion, the last thing she needs is you “chatting” to her husband in a fancy dress!
Keep in mind this is only that of an opinion, so take it for a grain of salt, but still, I am mortified by your actions. Why didn’t she contact your employer about what has been happening with the company e-mail addresses? Are you aware that it’s more likely against the “rules” enlisted on your contract for usage of the companies e-mail??? I know it’s in the past, but you need to think about the repercussions of acting unprofessional!!!
Hell, who knows, your boss could have read those e-mails. Your computer(s) could have been key logged, your boss could know the password(s) to your e-mail address, your logon name etc… You get the point..
Just please don’t do this again…
Hopefully THIS gets posted… I tamed it down Bossy!!!!!!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:33am)
LOL! Stockbroker.. I’m flattered as they are like the rich guys on wall street, right?
Eh, I don’t know.
No, it’s actually quite comical, because I AM 19, and I do have these viewpoints, yet you don’t believe me? Perhaps I should move up to Sydney, come into your clinic(?) and say hello… Or would that result in a restraining order?
Eh, all I know is, if you held a ‘Christmas party’ for Bossy regulars, I’d attend it, and prove I believe in what I say, and I AM how old I say I am…
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:50am)
Fire up Bossy!! oh yeah!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:11am)
Overaction CTT, go take some pills and have a nice long nap.
Op,
Whilst what you did was wrong, you did stop before it got too out of hand and it was over two years ago.
I think you should probably not approach the wife on the night and generally keep a good distance from both her and the husband.
I would also advise that you keep the alcohol consumption to a minimun, after 5 or 6 champers you may think it’s a good idea to approach them!
Good luck, work christmas parties can be a minefield at the best of times!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:18am)
OP, better still. Don’t go. Let the wife and her husband enjoy this night without having to worry about how they are going to handle you. Like you said, it’s taken years for her to heal from this betrayl. Do the right thing and stay away.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:45am)
34 year old Stockbroker? Wow Bossy, that was generous.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:56am)
Yes finally!!!!
I’m so glad you are getting tired of his responses Bossy. You’ve made my day!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:13pm)
CTT, I have never commented on your posts before, but your self righteous, naive, narcissistic bullshit has really got to me this time.
No one gives a monkey shit about what you think. You have no life experience. You have never had a girlfriend, never been in love, I would bet my life savings that you’ve never traveled - so why do you think anyone wants to know what you think?
Get off your soap box, go get some life experience and for god’s sake, move out of your mum’s place. She hates you too.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:22pm)
Dear Bossy,
I have written emails to you but alas haven’t been posted so I thought I would just put my situation in as a comment, I am a 34 year old stockbroker and since the GFC hit I have really been struggling,. To give you my background I thought I had found my niche, I was one of those kids at school that was pick on all the time and I got used to having my head flushed in the toilet, I knew I would get them all back when I went to uni and they didn’t, and for a while I did, running “investments” for people approaching retirement, I put there life savings ie super into high risk things that all my colleges did too and I wasn’t smart enough to look into it myself (who would have thought USa would bust!), but who cares really I was getting great commissions and it wasn’t my money. Anyway all this got me a bit of attention that I was really after, I even bought a red convertible, but post GFC everything is now difficult, money is much harder to come by, my marriage is really flat, my wife puts in no more effort and as a result neither do I, I don’t want to go outside my marriage through fear of rejection, and reliving the dating equivalent of head flushes I did at school. So anyway my only outlet now is on Monday, Wednesdays and Friday’s where I get the attention I so desperately crave by trolling on a blog re I can ridicule desperate people and because they a faceless I feel no guilt, Tuesdays and Thursdays are just so boring now, and I even find myself counting down the weekend so I can be a troll on Monday morning again. I spose my question is, how do I get out of this cycle, I don’t enjoy it, it’s more like a drug I’m addicted to, and I would much prefer to a) get on with my work at the office and make something of my career now it’s gone down the toilet (no pun intended) post GFC and b) get legitimate attention for who I am rather than having to pretend to be something else to get it, I feel like the cyber equivalent of a drag queen. Can I just not get the attention because I’m a bit dull? does everybody feel this at 34 after a few years of marriage? is the world now conditioned to freaks due to reality TV? Please help me Bossy and your readers.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:23pm)
@BigBadWolf…
Wtf man? I haven’t been on here for like a month or so, and even then I rarely come on here. So don’t start that crap when I don’t even post much anymore as I can’t. In saying that, I am going to sleep as I have been up all night and it is now 1:22 pm, and I am TIRED....
GOOD BYE.
(When I wake up I expect all of my comments to be published!)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:24pm)
Captain Troll Turd, why don’t you go back to sitting in a dark room surrounded by empty coke cans and chip packets, masterbating over your extensive collection of gay porn and give everyone here some respite from your jibberish crap.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:43pm)
Wow, don’t read Bossy blogs for two weeks and before I know it, CTT’s back. Didn’t stick to your word again, CTT? Go away, troll!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:49pm)
Bossy -
Won’t you please stop publishing CTT comments? and then tell us when you have done so… so I can chuckle to myself about how enraged he must be.
He is ruining your excellent blog for everyone.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:53pm)
Long time reader....1st time write in..... Bossy ... I have gleaned over CTT’s long winded verbal tirades over the months. But today’s couple take the cake. He sounds scary....AND stalkish! I would back away slowly if I were you.....
PS.... OP.... Keep some distance, and see how the evening pans out. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.....
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:04pm)
@ Anonymous
Money might be hard to come by, but it sounds like you have enough to live on.
Your problem isnt money. Its that you are chasing after the useless things in life. There’s trillions of dollars in the world, but you have only one life, one family, one wife, and this minute. When you start to value the correct things in life, you’ll find that the useless things just fall into place. Not because you’ll suddenly be rich and famous, but because you’ll be happy.
When you think of your problems, I’d rather you consider the people starving in around the world in places such as Africa. They have real problems, yet many of them are happy and thankful for every small grace they receive.
Start working on your marriage and self esteem and go from there. Anything worth gaining is always earned.
Sarah.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:25pm)
Why would Bossy want to post your comments? They are tiresome and uninformed.
Oh yeah, insult the OP and make her feel worse. She has made herself feel far worse than you ever could have, so what is the point? She wants to know how to handle the situation, not get a lecture from some guy stacking shelves with an acne problem who has never had a girlfriend.
PS - To your later comment, turning 18 and being able to buy booze and cigs doesn’t make someone an adult - maturity does that. Maybe you should find some?
Wed 01 Dec 10 (03:14pm)
CTT might come across as a bit whiny, and you might be right that he’s got little to no life experience. You might even be right bossy, that he’s actually a 34 year old stockbroker.
But I can’t disagree with anything he said in his original comment.
I’m disgusted by the OP’s actions too.
I think its a great idea for OP not to go to the Xmas party. Let C and his wife have a care-free night socialising with work colleagues who haven’t nearly broken up their marriage.
I totally agree that OP shoud stay the hell away from C and his wife.
I think OP should consider quitting her job to put this sordid affair behind her and let everyone move on with their lives.
He’s right that OP and C probably breached company policy and may have been liable to disciplinary action if C’s wife had reported them.
So perhaps, fellow posters, you could stop acting like whiny little teenagers yourselves and let people express opinions on here that you might not agree with.
Sorry to hijack your post, Sokrates.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (03:39pm)
@CTT
Don’t care about the last time you posted, it’s the fact you posted at all.
Since you mentioned that you were tired and being up all night, I’d like to say I had a rather restless sleep but I do feel like I had a really good sleep. I’ve just gotten over being sick, and looking forward to my holidays which start on Friday. The first thing I am going to do is sleep in before taking a massive dump to start the day.
Did you need to know all of that, no. Just like no one gives a shit that you were up all night and that you’re going to bed.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (03:59pm)
I don’t have more of a problem with what CTT says than anyone else so much as where he says it. It is always a reply to the first poster and never with anything to do with that post. Just putting it up the top for no other reason than ego. That is BAD FORM sir! The least you could do is acknowledge Sokrates’ post here.
And to save myself from the irony; I agree with your statement Sok.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (05:53pm)
seriously dont go, you will spoil her night and you have already helped spoil something she thought was sacred. Let her have the night, it will be a big deal just facing other colleagues, dont add any more stress.
Thu 02 Dec 10 (10:18am)
CTT piss off
Thu 02 Dec 10 (11:47am)
OP: For the love of God do NOT avoid the party like some above suggest. That would be the worst thing you could possibly do. It would be like admitting that there is still a problem between you. You may find doing that could even insult the wife, or think you still have something to hide.
Go to the party, talk to your coworker fist, and just go up to her, say I hope you’re enjoying you night. I just want to say sorry, and I hope oneday you can forgive me. And then leave her alone, and hang out with some other office friends.
If you listen to CTT, you’ll regret it (everyone here does)
Its not that CTT you’re just boring me to tears. Go back to being the 34 year old stockbroker or whatever it is you really are and stop pretending to be an angsty teen.
Kate de Brito
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:26am)
Leave the couple alone you and the coworker have done enough damange,
This reeks of the old “Co-worker. Wife. Organisation. Christmas. Kill”
What a CROCK!
sincerely,
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:38am)
Keep your distance, his wife has probably been in his ear for the last month about the slut at his work being there and how she doesn’t want to see her.
If you really want her to forgive you, just dress really bad and put on your least flattering dress so that when they get home that night she can pay out on you saying how you’re fat and she is hotter. That will please her more than any apology.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:39am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:40am)
That is actually… SO TRUE!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:55am)
While you’re at the party in your frumpy dress and cardigan, , slip on a set of knee pads and give your boss a gobby, but make sure you get caught. This will make W feel really good that C chose her and not a chick like you.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:45am)
Ha ha this is pretty spot on, welcome back TOMATOR
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:33pm)
About 3 years ago my ex of 2 years cheated on me. It still to this day puts a little smile on my face if I see her in a bad outfit, bad haircut or similar. I don’t know why, it seems so mean but it kind of perks me up a little. I never say anything but will always have a grin. This lady will feel the same. do it for her benefit if you are genuinely sorry, it’ll make her night.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:50pm)
lol I know what you mean My Thoughts Are....it does perk us up when it happens.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend is absolutely gooooorgeous, I cant pick a fault. I hate it lol
Wed 01 Dec 10 (04:45pm)
Agreed MyThoughtsAre.
My ex cheated on me with a girl who is not that overweight, but she’s fatter than me, so she’s fat. And she has shit hair. This makes me happy.
You make me laugh
Kate de Brito
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:09am)
Assess it on the night. Judge her vibe and then decide on the spot which approach is best. Bossy is right. This shit could go down one of MANY ways. You have no idea if she is the type to make a scene or rather pretend you weren’t there. Thankfully we women are experts at reading other women’s faces. You’ll be fine. Go with your first instinct.
Or better yet, get shitfaced and try to dance with her. OOOORRRR, stage HER coming on to your boyfriend, and then act all understanding about it and forgive her. She will be obliged to return the favour.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:58am)
If you don’t already know what to do then this:
is fail.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:00am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:43pm)
Bwaaaahahahahaha so true!
I think that you did a stupid thing, but it was nearly 3 years ago. There is only so much time you need spend hanging your head in shame. At the same time, I respect that you want to be sensitive to this woman’s feelings.
You could try talking to your coworker about how to navigate his wife. Honestly, I WOULD NOT do that. The reason being is that if she finds out you were sniffing around trying to find out how she feels, she might take it as if you are trying to get back in with her husband. Trying to find her weak spot so to say.
Honestly, for me, most of the responsibility for the night rests on HIM. HE is the one who needs to avoid you so that his wife can know she has nothing to worry over. You can help him by staying away from him. Be polite and cordial to him, but beyond exchanging greetings, make your excuses and find someone else to talk to. Do not make nice with him or be chummy. Leaving him alone is probably the best thing you can do - its like saying “I get that this man is taken and so I’m backing way off”.
There is very little YOU can do to ease this woman’s pain. You are not someone that she is going to want or seek comfort from. If the opportunity arises, sure, apologise. But I’d leave it for after the christmas party (as in if you ever meet again the day after). The poor woman is going to have a hard enough time of it keeping it together, there is no need for you to seek absolution and make it even harder for her.
Honestyl, I have to wonder at why it took so long for her to get past some sexy emails… i.e. has this guy cheated on her in the past? If thats the case, then you reopened a wound that was already festering - and it seems you’ve learned your lesson. As I said at the start, there is only so much time that you need to hang your head. So go to the party and have fun - a discrete distance away from this couple.
Cheers, Sarah.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:08am)
Thu 02 Dec 10 (06:28am)
I’m in complete agreement. There were two parties in this F-Up - You and her husband. Some women are bitter bitter souls that like to excuse their husband’s infidelity by blaming the other woman. Some women see a fair bit more reason and have learned to move on.
Which one is the wife? Who knows, and who cares. If she’s the former, no matter what apologies you may issue, no matter what platitudes you may speak, she’s still going to hate you for the lying whore you are for trying to steal away her husband. If she’s the latter, then apologising at a christmas party is meaningless - if you were truly sorry, you would’ve apologised long before this moment. Coming face-to-face with the wife after 3 years and apologising only because she’s in the same room is really bad form. So, if she’s the latter type of woman, just ignore the messy situation and don’t bring it up.
In the same measure, don’t go out of your way to hang out with this guy and his wife. Find another coworker friend and latch onto him/her all night; better yet, bring your boyfriend.
Who knows, may the reason they didn’t attend the last two christmas parties had nothing to do with you.
You were young and stupid, you made a mistake. A pretty big one, for them. Do you really need to go to the Christmas party? It’s just a party to you, their marriage is the issued here. Marriage trumps party. Stay at home if you can.
If it would be obvious if you didn’t go, for instance if you work in a small office, do you intend to take your partner? How will he feel about it? Discuss it with him, this impacts him too. Approaching the wife may make him feel uncomfortable. Or not, but he should know what you intend to do.
I really don’t know if you should plan to approach the wife, frankly I wouldn’t be interested in speaking with you. An apology isn’t really going to suddenly make the past disappear. As Bossy said, it may you feel better but it’s not really about you now. Apologise if you are approached by the wife but otherwise keep your distance.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:10am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:57pm)
I agree. Give the Christmas party a miss if it’s troubling you that much.
Doesn’t really seem like a big problem to me if you avoid it all together.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:55pm)
I was going for the “stay home” option as well. Sucks to miss the Christmas party but I think it’s easier.
Thu 02 Dec 10 (10:48am)
What’s the point? There are going to be parties for years to come. There is no point in constantly avoiding it, it’s just putting off the inevitable. May as well just go, deal with it and move on with lives and no longer have to worry if the two of them will be at an event in future. They will realise it’s not the end of the world to be in the same space.
Keep your distance without obviously avoiding them. Smile or say hello politely if you end up that close. Don’t seek her out. Don’t watch them. It’s in the past, so leave it there. If she seeks you out and effectively demands an apology, fine, give it to her. But if she sees you being normal and not reacting like it was something that happened yesterday, then maybe it might finally sink in to her that it really WASN’T that big a deal to you and C.
Yes, you did the wrong thing. But you can’t change it and it sounds like you’ve learnt your lesson. Time to let it go and if she can’t, that doesn’t need to become your issue.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:11am)
Know what i’d do if I were you?
Don’t go to the Christmas Party.
He hasn’t gone in the past 2 years because he didn’t want to make a scene or because he didn’t want to put his wife in a shit situation, so now it is your turn to suck it up.
Im fairly certain she has not forgotton about you so don’t give any more oxygen to it.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:14am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:46am)
Actually Lexie thats a very good idea! I agree with this.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:07pm)
Unfortunately, I have to organise the Christmas Party. Therefore, I have to go.
Trust me, if it wasn’t a big deal for me to skip out on the party I wouldn’t go!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (04:28pm)
OP - pull a sickie the day of the party! DO NOT ATTEND!
If you have organised it properly in advance you don’t have to be there!
Thu 02 Dec 10 (02:51am)
OP, you don’t ‘have to go’. It can be organised by you up to every last detail, and then on the night you can very graciously not go. You only have to explain why to one person; your boss. It will only be as big of a deal to not go as you make it.
When people pull you up the next day they see you and ask why you were not there, tell them a beautifully fashioned ‘family emergency’ white lie, one that your boss is already aware of. Perhaps take the next day off if it is a week night event. Stick to the excuse, don’t bang on about it, keep it short and simple.
If you want to go because you don’t want to miss out, then seriously, you’re not that ‘sorry’, are you? This woman has been demoralised by you and her husband. She has had the strength of self to make her relationship work despite you and her husband. She has shown enough grace to only do one thing in retaliation; tell your partner about it when it happened.
Make her night. Damn, make her year. Don’t go.
That you have decided you can’t not go shows you don’t really understand what this woman has gone through. She has made this easy on you by staying with her husband. You thought you felt guilty now. Imagine how you would feel if you had caused the end of their marriage?
You owe it to her not to go this year. Can you do that for her? Or are you still too selfish?
I wouldn’t say anything…
He’s the one who was insensitive, primarily. he was insensitive to hi s wife. You could have been ANYONE, and perhaps in fact you were!
Who knows who else he was emailing online, or even sleeping with…
Just forgive yourself that you got caught up with complete tool for a moment, but you got out of it.
By all means feel sorry for his wife that she’s still with this dick, but don’t beat yourself up.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:19am)
Dear OP,
it will help if your boyfriend is there - she will see you as less threatening to her relationship. Beyond that, take Bossy’s advice and adapt to the situation as you read it. As the other lady is the wronged party, it is up to her to raise the issue if she wants to.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:25am)
Get blind before the function and let nature take its course.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:27am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:25pm)
But then she isnt taking advantage of the free booze on offer at the event, just hit it hard straight away and see how it goes.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:26pm)
From the company beer fridge of course.....
Thu 02 Dec 10 (12:41pm)
exactly!
just stay away- don’t say anything. don’t do anything. If she approaches you then you can talk.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:29am)
Simple, don’t go.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:29am)
Why go?
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:29am)
I hate work Christmas parties. I wouldn’t go at all, but obviously that’s not practical.
I’d pretend like nothing happened. If she’s coming to the party simply to confront you, that won’t go over well, so I wouldn’t be too concerned.
Given the fact that she is coming, don’t be tempted to fortify yourself with the free drink in order to get through the night.
Whatever you do, don’t get drunk. It’ll definitely end in tears if you do. A couple of drinks, and stay on the other side of the room. Let your co-worker wrangle his wife.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:31am)
People write in here all the time asking for advice having done the most appallingly horrible, stupid and selfish things. What gets me is that, more often than not, they clearly feel little or no genuine remorse, and are simply seeking justification for their shoddy behaviour and/or attempting to transfer blame onto their victim (‘it was OK to have an affair with him; his wife’s a bitch’).
It’s very refreshing to see the occasional exception. You did something silly that caused innocent people pain and made you look and feel like an idiot (which you were) BUT you realised it, felt genuine remorse, took full responsibility for your actions and moved on. I take my hat off to you.
Your question is easy. It sounds to me like (W) has ‘got over it’. It’s good that you are going to the party. If I were you I’d let her take the lead. Act normally, say hello, and then steer graciously clear unless she approaches you.
Have a great night.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:36am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:51am)
This couldn’t have been said any better- totally agree
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:51pm)
Yes that’s true, but how much genuine remorse is required for cheating. Why is it such a big deal to people, that most people on here really rip into people acting unfaithfully, like it is as bad as murder.
Fact is, it is an unrealistic expectation to place on people to expect them to be faithful to just one person as soon as they get married. Especially for men who are biologically programmed to spread their seed. A genetic necessity needed for the survival of the species.
I remember a report recently that said women thought their partner cheating on them was a far bigger deal than loosing their job. For men it was the other way round, which is the logical way of thinking. If your partner cheats and you find out, you are the one who is in the position of power. You can decide how to react, weather to just forgive them, weather to have a trial separation, and so on. If you loose your job, there is no way to fix that. You cant have a trial separation from your employer then go back to them. YOU are in a bad position, your outgoings are much higher than your income and you need to act fast to avoid loosing everything you have worked for.
So people should think about how important cheating is, before they hurl abuse at someone for infidelity. In the scale of human crimes, it is pretty minor, and relationships can be fixed.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:13pm)
Well said. Good advice. Now stop wasting time here and how ‘bout we go back to those sexy e-mails…
Oh...hang on.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (04:54pm)
I doubt very much that our species will die out from lack of breeding. Environmental rape or blowing ourselves up, maybe.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:26pm)
Totally agreed with it all, although would suggest avoiding the booze that night (need your wits incase she brings it up) or if it is a very small company/christmas party (less than say 15 ppl) as it may be too hard to steer clear without being obvious.
Do enjoy and most that will happen is you probably will eyeball each other from across the room and provided you don’t flirt with her husband (whom will be on his very best behaviour I bet) nothing eventful will happen.
And please send an update!
Nicely put Dragon
Kate de Brito
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:10am)
I weep for society today!
This situation is partly of your own making. No doubt, you were very foolish in sending those emails to your co-worker. It has put you in a very awkward position.
I do not recommend you approach this woman to apologise for your indiscretion - it may seem presumptuous. In addition, there will be other people around who may overhear, and start gossiping. Instead, you should consider keeping to a different part of the room.
However, if she approaches you, and raises the issue, you may then apologise. A quiet and sincere “I am very sorry for the hurt I caused you. It was a childish, selfish action on my part, and I have no intention of repeating my mistake in the future,” should suffice.
There is the possibility (however slight) that this woman may imbibe too much alcohol, and cause a scene, or loudly inform your mutual co-workers of what you did. In that situation, you must not engage with her. Excuse yourself, and leave the party.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:41am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:23am)
Ethel, some people have thought you and I are the same “person"… When we obviously aren’t, but I just wanted to say:
I, like yourself, weep for society, and the direction it is heading.
You can claim that she was young, but really, she sounds like she is in her 20’s… How is that young? She isn’t a juvenile. She is a grown woman, an adult at that.
If she possesses the power to legally have sex, legally buy alcohol, cigarettes, vote and drive a car… Need I mention know what she was doing at the time was wrong… Then surely the excuse of “she was young” is pointless.
She has been conditioned to be a flirt. Chances are she has been “flirty” on and off of the internet… Out at bars, she was probably the type of girl to give a wink to a married man, just to see him lend her a sly smirk while his wife isn’t looking.... She probably did it (and may even still do it) for the thrills, and self esteem boost it gave her… Which again, is no excuse. She is not a juvenile, merely self centered…
I wonder if this will get posted, Bossy? It’s a genuine response, so logically it should be posted…
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:48am)
faaaark off ctt
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:16pm)
She may only be 20. If so, I’m sure Ethel would agree that she’s not ‘of age’ until she’s 21.
Thu 02 Dec 10 (12:57pm)
CTT ...... FARK OFF BACK TO THE HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF
Opposite sides of the room.
I’d take that advice from Bossy.
It was years ago but of course she still remembers it (it was her husband after all) and questions the truth, it will more than likely cause problems for them as a couple, especially if there is alcohol (which there will be) involved on the night. If you come over & say ‘hi’ once you leave there will definitley be a conversation about you. “Is that her? Why is she talking to me?” etc etc etc.
I think its not worth the hassle. He is your work collegue. She isn’t. You don’t have to see her mon-fri. Leave it in the past, she doesnt need to see you & then compare herself to you, all women play that game with themselves, whether their partner has been invoved with that woman or not. It human.
Let it go, she’ll appreciate it.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:51am)
Boy do I know how you feel. I had a little emotional thing with a guy from work yeeeears ago who had a girlfriend, it was very mutual and nothing nothing serious happened between us, just a lot of naughty texts, the occasional drunken grope and spending A LOT of time with eachother at work. His girlfriend knew of our friendship, I would go to BBQ’s at their place and hang out with their group on occasions, once I even stayed over (in the spare room) after drink night’s out after work. I still to this day dont know whether she knew that I was only hanging around because I had the biggest crush on her boyfriend, and that he was always inviting me for the same reason. I assume she would have known, but she never said anything and appeared to be ok with everything in front of me.
Like you I regret it BIG TIME. I can not believe that I did that to someone, I cant believe that I had no regard for her whatsoever, its not like me to treat someone that way. I still to this day feel terrible about my selfish behaviour.
Its no longer significant now, but if I had the opportunity to apologise to her I would in a heartbeat, Its just I havent seen her in about 3 years. The difference is I knew this girl a little bit better than you know this guy’s wife, so I know my outcome would be a lot better than what it could be for you.
I think what Bossy suggested is the right way to go about it, ask the guy what you should do, he will lead you in the right direction. There are so many twists and turns the situation could bring if you make your own decision without checking first. I know if it were me and I was her, I would punch you in the face if you even dared come near me (as I would expect someone to do to me!)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:52am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:36am)
I find it interesting that you say:
And then go on to say:
.Hmm… Punching someone doesn’t actually make you sound like you’re a nice… no matter what the circumstances. You just sound feral.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:34pm)
Bear you can keep tellin yourself your a saint if you like but sooner or later you gotta come back to reality.
because she said someone who cheats deserves a punch in the head that makes her not nice?
Lets say my wife was getting raped and i punched the offender in the head would i be “not nice”?
Oh and we should stop training police officers and army men to be “not nice” too.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (05:38pm)
Thanks BroG
that was more or less my response back to Bear’s comment earlier, however my comment didnt get published!