Ask Bossy

You are completely missing the point. This is not an issue about her weight. It’s not much weight and normal when we are all getting older. But what strikes me - chillingly - is that this woman is in an deeply abusive relationship with a man who controls her at every turn - he has a life-long vested interest in keeping her down, keeping her bigger, and keeping her self-esteem low.

I am shocked that Bossy didn’t point that out.

Sex only five times a year? May I please add that he is definately cheating on you, hence why for 11 years you have heard him talk weekly about the early “cheating” - which you didn’t. You weren’t officially a couple, hence he had no claim.

You won’t leave him - but you need to know how he treats you is very, very wrong and very damaging. Also know that those who keep us down are themselves suffering from very low self esteem and are cowards. If you put your foot down, you will see how he jumps through hoops to keep you.

I don’t necessarily agree that she cheated. I am assuming here that they did not have the “talk” before she slept with her FB, therefore she was under no obligations to be faithfull. That being said, I completely agree with the rest of your comment Iron Lady.

If I were the OP, I would stop cleaning and tell him to do it all. When he doesn’t do it at all, or if he does, not well, tell him he is useless and that he has a small dick.....

I take that back - Bossy did point it out, but to be it doesn’t seem subtle at all. It seems like a manipulative, sledge-hammer attack on her self esteem.

“This is unacceptable.  Either he forgives you or he doesn’t.  Once you say you have forgiven someone, and you mean it, you don’t keep harping on about it for all time. “

That sounds like double standards to me, women do it all the time to men. Saying “I forgive you” now and then 6 years later going “6 years ago you did bla bla bla and bla”

She says it get brought up once a week, but didn’t say by who. Could be that both of them bring it up on different weeks. But I do agree that he sounds like an asshat, either that or he’s mentally still a child and shows his affections using insults.

I agree with Miss X- my first thought was that hes an abusive and controlling asshole. Sounds a lot like my ex husband except for the cheating bit- he was the one that did that rather than me.

This man emotionally abuses and controls you at every turn.  He likes making you feel bad about yourself.

And lets face it- he married you AFTER the cheating. Cant have been too cut up about it.

Get some support- if I was able to give you my email here I would. I used to be you.

Be good to yourself.

Yes it is unacceptable Iron Lady, but the sabotage is definately there.
OP you are being sabotaged all the way. No this is not normal and your husband is a control freak emotional blackmailer who is taking you for a substandard ride. OP you honestly sound like such a lovely woman. Wake up! You didn’t even cheat properly. You were young and having fun. Your husband has serious issues and he makes you wear them! I have been in a relationship with someone like this and the only way is out.
Now of course you don’t want out. But you are completely supressed, socially, emotionally and no doubt professionally. You sound like you have the potential to lead a fantastic life, but not as long as you stay with this man who controls your every movement, eating, social contacts, and who doesn’t even make love to you. We now live in a time where his behaviour is completely and utterly unacceptable. Maybe 50 years ago women had to put up with it, but not now.
See a Psychologist, PLEASE! Break out. Live your life, have sex, get yourself some friends. What he is doing is blocking you in being the person you are. And you know, I really believe that we have a responsiblity to become everything we can be - in the best sense.
Good luck!!!!

OP, you are being controlled - nothing else to it.
He is controlling you through guilt you shouldn’t even have.
To me it doesn’t even sound like you cheated. You had the belief that it was just fun and nothing serious, did not believe it was exclusive and were honest about sleeping with someone else. You then changed this behaviour when you realised he took the relationship as something a lot more serious. How is this cheating?
Now you can’t even go to leaving drinks with your own sister, avoid male operaters at the shops? This is absurd - and not normal at all. He is using this guilt to control you.
Honestly I would say get out. But I know you won’t. Follow bossy’s advice - change the structure of this relationship slowly.

I’ve got to agree with MissX on this one - I don’t understand how Bossy could have written her reply without specifically stating - this is an abusive relationship. The ‘cheating’ (sleeping around before you commit to the relationship is not cheating, it’s just sleeping around) is no excuse for his behaviour.
OP - when was the last time your husband said something nice and supportive to you? Without putting you down in his next breath? I cannot understand what you see in him.

It was long, i only read half.

Forgiving means you forgive. Done.
You cant keep digging it up, i think your right with being understanding, you do/did owe him for your past indiscretion, but you cant “Torture” yourself over it forever.

I dont know if theres a limit to appologizing for what you did i sorta think that kinda thing can never be forgiven personally but if he has/did then he needs to get over it already.

You need to approach your partner and say “I can never forgive myself for risking what turned out to be a serious relationship, however you really have to forgive me once and for all”

2.) you shouldnt have to wait behind a line with 50people in it because the line with only 2 is hosted by a guy, that’s a bit extreme, but trust issues aside some level of avoiding men i dont have issue with.

3.) the “going out” clubbing scene is for 18-25 year olds, honestly the last 5 people in 15year + marriages that i know who decided to see what its like in the clubs almost instantly split up when they went to the clubs. Honestly these places are to pickup, if you like to dance or you like music there are many alternatives, sorry the 30 year olds in the clubs are really sad if you ask me but hey sometimes you dont have a choice hey.
You pickup in clubs/bars and if your not interested in doing so you shouldnt attend. Occasional outtings for going away or celebrations should be ok but SERIOUSLY people why the FUCK cant partners goto these things ? seriously ?

Im sick to death (almost postal) over the fact that friends invite me only and not my partner or vice versa to things, I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ITS SERIOUS WE HAVE KIDS AND LIVE TOGETHER FOR 10YEARS FFS. I do everything together and i like to so does my partner.

4.) dont kid yourself, you cant be something for someone else, your life in all areas will only work if you are happy with yourself. you dont need to loose weight but if you want to beacuse idealy you would be more happier then good. if he likes big girls he should have thought about that before you got together....

i like this and its so true
“Guys get with women and hope they stay the same , but they dont.
Girls get with guys and hope they change, but they dont.”

This doesnt apply to this exactly but FFS PEOPLE YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT when you hookup with a girl its warts and all you dont like something about your partner and its a dealbreaker then LEAVE THEM.

guys, Dont read into it so far....

She says “She’s not allowed” by who ? by her ? by her mother ?

Im sure he doesnt have swords guarding the door, some of these things might upset him (and rightfully so his trust issues..) and therefore out of respect she doesnt do it.. maybe im reading into it and he does guard the door with swords at all times ..

Sorry, But you mongs say it all the time…

If your going to fuck someone tell them before hand that they are just a root.

You girls might like being stired by 8 different guys a week but i dare you to ask the guys how they feel..

After reading the first few paragraphs, my jaw dropped and I still am sitting here open mouthed. Oh OP, please read your letter again and recognise this man is a manipulative bully! Get fit, get healthy and then run, run, run.

Your husband is a complete asshat, and NO not all relationships are like your to any degree. In fact I know of none like yours. Good god woman get out in the world.

You are such a douche.  Why don’t you grow up, get some life experience, and mature, before you pass comment on things you know nothing about?

This is a serious situation, with a controlling husband.  She needs help, not your stupid comments that only you find funny.

i agree, except i dont wanna hear from capt, i just feel embarrassed each time i read his words. the days he posts are the days i dont. it pisses me off sooooo much that he is such a dickhead and theres nothing i can do to educate him.

Yes you are right, I am a toss

You need help.  You have a real problem, the need to be heard, the need to be first, the need to put other people down to make yourself happy.  That is really sad, I feel bad for you.

Yep that pretty much sums it up. Hubbie is exploiting Chubbie’s Catholic guilt as much as he can and making both their lives a misery. The OP can put up with it and continue to spread sideways across the couch or grow some gonads and tell the bully she’s had enough of his shit and he should man up and get over it. Somehow i think she’ll opt for the first option, sad to say.

Close, Mahhrat… how about:

1. I had a great time rooting around when I was young, hot and stupid.
2. I made a huge mistake and married a boring, insecure man.
3. I’m now old, fat and horny.
4. I’d like to get back out on the market while blaming it all on my husband.

Really, the OP’s letter reeks of self-justification. She’ll be lapping up everyone single reply telling her she’s underloved and persecuted… probably going in a scrapbook to show to hubby when she gets caught sans panties.

seenitbefore,

Unless she’s lying (and I’m not ruling that out), she made a mistake 11 years back.

Yes, she messed up and, yes, she should pay the price.  But not for 11 years.  You don’t keep making someone feel guilty for that long unless there’s also something wrong with you.

What the OP wants to do is know why she can’t go and shag random Italians with sports cars.  The answer is, of course, is that she can, but it means stop feeling sorry for yourself, kick the idiot, boring husband to the curb, and going and leading a shallow life of sexual indulgence.

Now, you might not agree with that as a life choice - I know I certainly wouldn’t - but that doesn’t mean that this woman shouldn’t indulge in her own mid-life crisis.

Exactly seenitbefore,
I think it’s far more likely that she is a liar than he is as bad a husband as she describes.
The OP reads like a list of excuses of why she shouldn’t have to take responsibility for her own life.
And from reading the comments she has got exactly what she wanted:
A whole load of people absolving her of any responsibility .

And if she is telling the truth and her husband is as big an asshat as she describes, then she is even more retarded for staying with him for so long.

Love is not that simple. There is no black or white in love, only an infinite number of grey shades.

Her husband probably doesnt realise the damage he’s doing, or that there is any other way for him to conduct himself. They have been married a long time, and this situation doesnt sound new. So they both have bad habits to answer for. This doesnt mean they dont love each other.

I agree with Bossy. OP needs to take responsibility for the things that she can change. And with the right encouragement, she can curb her bad habits, eg her guilt, her lack of self confidence, her weight and eating, and maybe even to a degree her enabling of him and his snide comments. Who knows?! Maybe after the initial unsettling period, and instinctive reactions from him, her good example may coax him to make changes too.

Bossy, I think everything you said is good advice as always.

But I agree that you might have gone a little further to point out how emotionally and psychologically abusive, not to mention unbelievably controling this relationship is. Her husband treats her HORRIBLY! She’s not allowed out or to have friends? That is wrong, wrong, wrong and terribly abusive and controlling. And what’s worse is that the OP has been brainwashed by her husband so badly, that she believes the way he acts is right and what she deserves.

I can’t see how this relationship will change, UNLESS the husband gets therapy and starts to acknowledge how badly he treats his wife and his issues about control. The problems in the relationship are, to the majority, his not hers. The husband doesn’t get it and I don’t think the OP currently has the self esteem or insight to instigate the changes.

OP, seek therapy from a qualified psychologist. The fact that you’ve written to Bossy shows you’re ready to make changes and that you know this relationship is troubled. Your children are growing up in a controlling, unhealthy environment and they will replicate this in all their relationships as adults. Would you want a daughter to be in this type of marriage? Or would you want to see a son treat another woman like this?

These issues are NOTHING to do with you cheating early on. These problems are your husand’s, not yours.

Bossy I DID have a husband like this and he didnt love me - he just wanted CONTROL over every little (and large) thing I did. He wanted me as a POSESSION, and treated me in every way like the OP’s hubby did - altho mine got violent when he didnt get his way (or just because he felt like it...). I couldn’t even speak to the guy at the corner shop without being accused of having an affair - even though I’d never cheated on him, and he made me feel so worthless it just wasnt funny anymore.

OPDonna’s right: love does not cause you to feel like crap all the time. It does not own or control you, put you down or ridicule you. Love builds and supports, it makes you feel good about yourself. Or at least, it should....

Assuming you want to stay and try to keep your marriage alive: You cant change him - but you CAN change how YOU react to it/him. And why the hell shouldnt you have a life of your own?? No matter how hard you may feel you are to live with - you’re not a child; how hard is HE being??!! Abusers work like that - belittle you until you feel that every little thing is because you are at fault (somehow) or ‘difficult’, but its NEVEr their own fault of course…

My suggestion is to quietly visit your lady GP and ask for a referral to a (female) psychologist/counsellor to help you come to grips with your own issues over the cheating and the put-downs etc (it sounds like you are suffering a fair bit, understandably) so you can start to think clearly about what YOU want from life.

OP my abusive (yes, that’s what yours is too) hubby crushed my spirit like a bug, and it took me YEARS after I left him to regain my self esteem. I realise how hard it will be for you to change things (I could only do it after I left) but my deciding factor was my boys: I didnt want them to grow up thinking that how my ex treated me was ‘the’ way to treat women...I couldnt bear to think my boys would treat some poor girl like crap one day.

And incidently, my ex STILL does not think he did anything wrong - even stalked me for a while - despite the several letters etc in which I explained to him how I felt and why I left. So I’ve given up: I cant change him but I can change myself (and how I respond to him) so that’s what I’ve done. It took a male friend of mine standing up to him (friend was bigger than him) for me to realise he only picks on smaller, weaker people - and he went wobbly at the knees when faced with a grown man. That’s when I stopped being afraid of him!

Your gut feeling is already telling you things are not right. Only YOU can change them for the better - so remember you are not alone and do your best to change things, for your boys sake if not your own. Remember: he is teaching your boys that its OK to treat a woman (and thier own mum) like crap. DONT LET HIM!!!

While I agree with some of what Bossy’s said about it not necessarily being intentional on the husband’s part, it does ring some pretty loud alarm bells for me.

Abuse isn’t always deliberate; in fact I would argue it rarely is, people can always find a way to justify their behaviour - but that doesn’t make it right.

But the fact is, what he is doing is abuse, plain and simple.

She may get grumpy, but with a husband that regularly puts her down and makes her feel awful can you blame her? To me that part of the letter sounds like she’s making excuses for her husband’s abusive behaviour, offering her own justifications for it.

“Yes he emotionally abuses me, but I get grumpy sometimes so I must deserve it.”

If their marriage has any chance at survival they both need counselling, together and separately, however given her husband’s reaction to her “calling him” on his behaviour I doubt he would agree to fix the problems in their relationship.

I’m agreeing with Robbity on this one… this is an abusive relationship.  He’s controlling the OP’s friends, life, people she interacts with, to the point where she’s even relieved that the teachers at school are female!  FFS!!!  The OP has had to give up any chance of a career or life outside of home and dedicated herself to her home, husband and children.  That’s okay if it’s a choice… which it isn’t in this situation, because she’s ridiculed and belittled and abused if she tries to do anything other than what her husband wants.  That’s abuse.  Pure and simple.

Emotional abuse is just as scarring as physical abuse (and it doesn’t preclude physical abuse either, as Robbity says).  OP, you have the right, as a human being, to feel worthwhile, and to pursue your own life and happiness without this abuse all the time.  See your GP and get a counsellor.  Honestly, if you read about this happening overseas, we’d send in the army to stop it… oh, wait…

I think us as human beings push our boundaries.  Why?  Because the other person whom you are pushing your boundary is letting you.

It’s very tempting to make a judgment based on one bad thing that he did, and obviously the OP highlighted some examples of the hurtful things that he said to her, but depending on the severity of the comment and the acceptance level of the person receiving the comment, it may be abuse or it may not be.  Only the OP can tell.

Did the OP ever told her husband firmly that it is not ok?  Maybe, maybe not.  She has reacted very differently every time the comments were made and that sends very confusing signals.

One thing that I have learnt working with men is you need VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES of what is ok and what is not. 

I suggest to the OP, sit your husband down in a calm manner that you have acknowledged that he never forgave you for the cheating that you did before you were married, (he will tell you that he has etc etc).  it’s 10 years on and you don’t need to be reminded every week that you have cheated.  You have been guilty enough and would like to move on as a family.  The off hand joking insults is enough, and next time it happens you give him one warning, if he does it again you can walk out of the environment that you were in (either in a restaurant etc) because you feel that he is no longer respecting you.  You will keep doing this until this stops.

If I am right, your husband wants to stay in his comfort zone and this will definitely throw him off.

However if he is cheating, his actions will also show that he doesn’t care, although he tells you that he loves you.  You’ll be the judge.

Takes a lot of courage to do this unfortunately.  Work on what will give you your self esteem back.  Some independence, reconnect with your friends will help, it is not healthy to have no friends mentally.

Robbity, it sounds as if you and I have lived the same lives except on different continents. MY ex-husband treated me exactly the same way!

I was sexually abused as a child and when I was in my teens I was promiscuous. I was too young to tie the two things together so I never sought professional help in dealing with my hurt and emotions. When I was 20 I met my future husband. I loved him and “confessed” all my past transgressions to him. The result of that error in judgment was that he called me a WHORE weekly for the next 20 years of my life even though I was totally committed and faithful to him.

I too was secluded in my home with no outside contacts. I too was not allowed to speak or interact with men, even male doctors were out of the question. If I was “caught” interacting with a man then I was accused of sleeping with him! I too was ridiculed daily for being a “stupid”, “fat” and “lazy” and above all else, a “whore”.

He did all these things to keep me under his control and I allowed this abusive treatment to occur because of my own inner guilt that stemmed all the way back to my childhood!

Funny how it happens, but after many years of therapy (which her vehemently was against) I finally felt strong enough to heal and love the inner child in me that hurt so terribly. Once that happened I set about to change my life. It took years but finally I moved out, got my own life and never looked back.

Bossy is being gentle because the truth is too confronting when she’s already tip toeing.

I think he does love her.  I think they’re in a codependant relationship build on her guilt and his insecurity. And I KNOW its not healthy.

No, he’s not guarding the door with swords. He may not even say ‘you can’t go’ but you don’t anyway because you know he disapproves and will be emotional hell to deal with if you do.

He’s controlling, manipulative and he puts you up on a pedestal one minute then blames you for ruining his life the next. He adores you like a goddess and dismisses you like a whore. He loves you and resents you.

Codependant. Get some counselling or there will be nothing of you left.

How does he treat the children? Do they have to tip toe around Daddy too?

Btw, I left after about 10 years. The last 6 I spent building up the courage to pull away.

I echo your opinion—everything you said was also what I was thinking.

11 years of borderline, if not outright, emotional abuse is karma for some youthful indiscretions?

How ‘bout no.

Ass.

We’re only getting her side of the story. Women always play victim and twist the facts to suit themselves.

This is karma for her “youthful indiscretions” or rather, massive stuffup that could never really be forgiven or forgotten and trust can’t be built so one must keep wary.

Wisen up, dumbass

We might only be getting one side of the story but rash generalisations such as “women always play victim” makes you sound like a victim yourself Charlie Harper.  Oh, and LOL @ “massive stuff up”.  If it was so massive then why did he marry her with the full knowledge of her past?

I agree with it not being Black and White Bossy, I really do. But come on, they are holding hands while she’s internally breathing a sigh of relief that her kids have female teachers this year??? What the hell? This isn’t true intimacy AT ALL.

Thanks for your response Bossy, I wholeheartedly love you again! You know I love your work you do here!

Also, Bossy, I have to acknowledge how difficult it is to give direct advice on a situation you have only a small amount of insight into (i.e. a letter). In this forum, you don’t get the advantage or meeting the person or questioning them to get more information. E.g. she says she’s hard to live with, but we don’t know if she really is or if that’s just her husband making her feel like she is. We don’t get a proper picture of the person or the situation.

Which is why OP.... please go and see your GP and get a referal to a psychologist. Medicare should cover quite a lot of the costs for you. Like Bossy says, you are ready for a change and maybe this relationship can be salvidged if that’s what you want, but you certainly need some therapy to help you work that out. You need somebody to teach you the skills required to either make this relationship better or to leave. I wish you all the very best, you sound like a lovely lady and you certainly deserve a happy life.

after one lunch time barbeque quite a few years ago with my cousin where I had too much to drink I have not been allowed to go out since

I cant beleive he let her write this email either!

If she could stand up against some of the pressure she might find it does change.

It may well happen. It sounds like (similar to joking about the cheating thing) he’s been suspicious and pressuring for so long that it’s now simply a habit they’ve both fallen in to. They do it now because that’s the way they’ve always done it.

Just by (gently but) firmly raising the issue might be enough to illicit a behaviour change. And it will take a while and he’ll lapse back occasionally, as people do with 11 years of habit.

Provided she keeps reminding him that it hurts her, there’s no reason to think the marriage isn’t salvagable, and may well become stronger.

I disagree. From what I have seen there’s almost no limit to what some women will put up with. Sticks and stones and broken bones let alone names.

Well said Lexie! Once again

Best answer so far Lexie

Right on Chihuahua

In spite of myself I tend to agree with you, Lexie, although 12kgs is a bit porky.

However we would all do well to remember the words of folk-punk legend Billy Bragg:

”Just remember - there are two sides to every story”

Yeah, he’ll ‘probably love you’ even more if you do…

are you still paying for every mistake you’ve ever made, Shane?

She said she didnt take the relationship seriously, and thought it was all in fun - yeah sure, the sign of a selfish bitch - but she proved herself not to be. He said stop, and she stopped..

she misinterpreted the seriousness of the relationship yes, and maybe this was because she was young, stupid and selfish… but it could have also been because this guy says something and does another thing. He sounds a bit mental and confusing to be around. Just putting it out there, not everything is black and white.

Well then if the he didn’t like that she cheated on him, why did
he stay? Why didn’t he say, this isn’t going to work and leave?
Why does she have to prove to him, 10 years later, that she will be faithfull?
He’s not a shithead, he wants to be in control and she is happy for him to be so. But it does not mean that he should be an absolute tool to her. She needs to be stronger if she wants to stay with him.

no, some guys in relationships do actually just go off sex, for a variety of reasons.  My fiance is currently seeing a doctor and a therapist to find out why his sex drive has died, and a good friend is getting divorced for the same reason.