Kate de Brito
Friday, November 26, 2010 at 08:05am
Dear Bossy: I am a twenty year old female at university, and there is a boy in one of my classes who I am head-over-heels for! He is funny and charming, with a great sense of humour and a great body! We have been flirting and seeing each other on and off for about a year now, and I really like him.
He is very flirtatious, often touching my bum or breasts, or cuddling and nuzzling me when we have time alone. He teases and openly hugs and kisses me in front of our friends, and my friends have commented on how nauseating we are when we are together! However, he gets a lot of attention from other girls. I am ok with the attention he gets, as he is naturally overly flirtatious and I am very similar. I never get angry or upset when I see him with other girls, talking or flirting or even cuddling, but he often sees me on Campus flirting with other boys, or even just having an innocent conversation, and he gets very mad and self-righteous, calling me a tease and a flirt, which I find excruciating.
He also blows hot and cold, and will one day tell me that he thinks he loves me, call me cute names and make me feel like a princess, to only completely ignore me or even insult me the next. He recently got out of a really serious relationship which was partly a result of his girlfriend’s lack of trust in him and in his relationship with me (which was, although very flirtatious, non-sexual and no lines were crossed.) He went “on the rebound” for a little while, and I encouraged this, because he was heartbroken and moped around for a very long time, to the point where I got bored of it, and I hated seeing him unhappy. He is starting to settle down more, but I am fairly sure that he does not want a serious relationship again soon.
I have tried to speak to him about the situation between us, and have tried to explain to him that I really like him and that I don’t want to just be a plaything for him, that I want a relationship or nothing, and when he does not take this seriously, I have attempted to cut all ties completely and not talk, call or see him at all. This prompted him to get very angry and start probing my friends for information, as well as making him sulk in our classes or when spending time with our mutual friends. I find it very hard to stand up to this, and he makes me feel guilty very easily, even when I know I am doing the right thing and trying to protect my feelings.
It really does seem like he is all talk, he has mentioned love and how no other girl makes him feel the way he does when he is around me, but when it comes to actually making a commitment or trying to be together, he conveniently disappears. He will spend time with me in a large group and single me out then, but (in a way I think is really hypocritical,) he will not take me to dinner or out just the two of us, and he doesn’t like to talk to other people about me.
A lot of our friends comment on how intense we are, and make comments such as “why don’t you two just get together and get it over with? Everyone can see you’re crazy about each other!” Some of my friends want me to just ask him out already, but one of my friends thinks that because we are so flirtatious and “intense” already, a relationship would be somewhat of an anti-climax because the thrill of the chase will have subsided. I desperately want to be in a relationship with him, and I do not want to keep being treated as an object. I have seen him treat girls really well, so I know he can do it, but I don’t know if I can get him to commit. Can I make him see that we could be so good together, or should I try my hardest to walk away? I am so torn, because I really think I could love him, but I don’t want to keep being played; it is draining and embarrassing and I just can’t cope! It is all or nothing, I just don’t know which. Please help!
Sincerely,
Flirtatious and confused.
Bossy says: If you don’t want to be played then stop chasing a player. The fact you are attracted to each other does not mean you are made for each other. The fact he seems to have little interest in moving beyond this flirtatious stage says plenty more.
There are plenty of guys and girls like this around. I wouldn’t take it personally. He loves the chase - and why wouldn’t he at 20? Either enjoy what you have but don’t expect more or move on. Remember though, the moment you put any distance between you he will give chase. That’s the way he rolls.
Yes, he’s handsome and charming and fun, but he also sounds like bad news.
63 Comments
You know, a lot of characters on TV - like Charlie from Two and a Half Men, or Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - use cheesy, completely ridiculous lines on women they want to sleep with. They’ll say things like “I think I’m falling in love with you”, even when it’s obviously code for “I want to have a night of hot sex and then never speak to you again”.
Every time I watch these shows I think, this is so unrealistic. Surely there are not girls out there dumb enough to be suckered in by this shit time and time again.
However, it appears that they do exist, and that you, OP, are one of them.
If you want a serious relationship then don’t date players. You can’t ‘reform’ them if they’re perfectly happy with their current lifestyle, and it’s wrong to even try.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:11am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:25am)
Exactly Bossy. I’ll respect a guy a lot more if he just comes out and says it.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (02:25pm)
Yep, I reckon he wants a friend with benefits.
If you want more then you will have to ask for it, specifically. Remember that he is a bloke so don’t be subtle about it, make sure there is absolute certainty.
The other option is that he is using you as bait. A guy that has a girl flirting outrageously with him is far more attractive to other girls than a guy alone…
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:44pm)
Spanish has the perfect line for players “Te quiero”.
In context it means ‘I love you’, but the literal translation is actually ‘I want you’.
Can use it on a girl then blame her in the morning for misinterpreting your words. And yet the girls still go crazy for Spanish guys because they are so ‘romantic’
Fri 26 Nov 10 (07:32pm)
You’re infatuated,
Running off lust at that.
You’re twenty, not twelve.
Stop oogling over the hot guys in your class.
Stop going to the one’s that appear confident,
But are in reality, arrogant.
Go after the nice guy.
Yes, that awkward looking guy.
The guy at the back, not mingling.
Say hello to him,
Make his day.
Smile at him,
Make him think about you everyday,
For weeks to come....
He won’t hurt you.
He won’t betray you.
He won’t use you for sex.
He won’t sleep with your best friend.
He will be there for you,
Through thick and thin.
You want this, don’t you?
You want to be treated like a princess,
Respected and loved, right?
Well why don’t you give the awkward, “creepy”, geeky guy a chance?
Just once won’t hurt you,
Who knows…
You could fall in love once you get to know him.
Well, I tried....
Mon 29 Nov 10 (09:08am)
You are of cousre aware she is going to have to put out first right?
It will never be more than infatuation until she does.
“I think I’m falling in love with you” always makes me wary. It’s so on the fence. It’s also a fishing expedition. Like “do you feel the same way?” If you still only “think” you are in love dont say it. Wait until you are sure then pluck up the courage to admit it.
Kate de Brito
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:00am)
Grow up, learn some self respect and kick him to the curb. He treats you like this because you let him. So stop letting him and ignore his sulking. Do you really want to be with someone who thinks it is ok to treat you like that?
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:13am)
Dear OP,
he gets angry when you flirt with other men, but he flirts with everyone. He singles you out when in a group but does not want to take you out as a couple. He asks other people about you but won’t talk about you. You are very lucky to see this evidence of what he is really like behind the charm now, before you marry him or something equally drastic.
If he is treating you like property now, what would it be like if you were in a committed relationship with him?
No matter how commmitted you are to anyone, ultimately the person you belong to is yourself. He would undermine your sense of your own self the more you are close to him.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:15am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:30pm)
I thoroughly agree Bruceter, hopefully the advice will sink through
Yep sounds like you have gotten played yourself. I would stop chasing him and see if he responds, seems to me that your you are a whole lot into him and not the other away around, I think this is a dead end scenario for you and your wasting your time.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:17am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:14am)
Sokrates, +1
OP, pull your pants up. Don’t come on here all cute innocence, telling us the fairy tale that is your life.
You’re banging this bloke sideways all over the deck chairs and your only problem is it’s not as exclusive as you like.
Given how easily you put out for him and how you view it thought, does it surprise you to hear that there’s probabyl half a dozen other girls who are doing exactly the same thing?
And you women wonder why the Betas get so confused.
Who cares if he’s handsome, charming and funny? He’s also selfish, self-absorbed and immature. You sound like a lovely girl. Why would you lower your standards for this sort of boy? He’s playing you like a well tuned guitar. Move on before he breaks one of your strings.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:36am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:55am)
Exactly Haggis,totally agree .
What Bossy said. OP if you dont wanna play the game its simple: dont play. Its just a game to him, and he sounds like a spoilt jerk to be honest with you. He doesnt want you the way you want him, he enjoys being the centre of attention and all the drama that comes from that.
As an aside, actions will always tell you plenty more than words do. I was in a similar situ a while back (except we were both pushing 40); the chemistry we had was amazing, I’d known him a long time and he was tall, darkish and so hot there should be a law against him. But with one breath he’d profess how badly he ‘needed’ me (*snort*) while next breath involved insulting me to the supposedly ‘ex’ gf he’d just been complaining to me about. He loved having 2 girls to play off against each other - didnt care a toss for how that hurt me when I found out (he was lying to me about it) and blindly I ignored his behaviour because I wanted to believe his words....
It can only end in tears OP, your tears. He wont change for you - some ‘lucky’ (not) girl *might* entice him to change in another 10-15 yrs but then again maybe his god given charm will enable him to get away with it until he’s 60?
As bodacious Bossmeister says, he sounds like bad news. Not promising for anything more than a fleetingly good time and a broken heart.
Surely there are other tasty fish in your university sea??
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:36am)
He’s clearly a tool, obviously you are still young and by the sounds of it attractive and fun just get rid of him and move on. Don’t feel bad about it just chalk it up to experience but seriously if he is like this now imagine what things will be like in a few years.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:42am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:19am)
ditto.
Nicely said Missy.
Expect some more sulking and insults when you cut him off!!
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:46am)
I didn’t need to read more than “he’s clearly a tool” this is all that needs to be said.
How do you stop from being played? REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE GAME
Doh
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:47am)
You dont want to stop being played, you want him to change.
Hes not going to change. You let him treat you the way he does - WHY should he stop? He’s copping a free feel of several dozen women who are too naive and charmed by his looks to see what a sleazebag he is.
The fact that he gets ‘jealous’ is because hes a jerk. Not because he loves you. He loves himself. He wants your attention, not your affection. When you devote yourself to him, he feels great. Its all about him. He could care less about how you feel.
You want to stop being played? Stop playing his game. Tell him to rack off and find a nice guy who wont claim that he is just a ‘natural flirt’ and simply HAS to feel up every female within eyesight.
If you can’t get a hold of yourself and continue on in the delusion that he will somehow miraculously see that you two belong together, then you deserve what you get. Hopefully, you’ll wake up and smell the coffee very soon. Otherwise, you are going to find yourself hurt and wondering why you didnt see it coming (hint: you ignored the warning signs).
This guy is a great example of who you want to AVOID as a potential boyfriend in the future.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:48am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:12pm)
Great comments, i agree totally.
one problem - nice guys are boring!! what’s the fun in some predictible sap doing everything you want.
Sun 28 Nov 10 (04:14am)
There’s currently a big discussion over what girls of this age want over in EK’s blog.
You’ve both got it right and you know that young girls like this often don’t have the emotional intelligence and experience to deal with this type of guy properly. I guess that’s why she’s here though.
OP, do what Bossy and Sarah suggest. Take him as he is for a hot hookup and nothing more or cut him loose. You will not get this guy into the committed relationship that you want.
Perfectly said Sarah. She thinks she wants him but she wamnts him but with different characteristics...the ones she’s “sure” are there, buried deep. Take him as he is or not at all.
Kate de Brito
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:02am)
OP - I was in exactly the same position when I was 20. Your heart will be broken, but you will learn a great deal from the experience. The biggest thing I have learnt from my broken hearts? Words mean very little; actions tell you everything you need to know. If he’s not with you...he doesn’t want to be with you. Telling you otherwise means nothing if he’s not there.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:51am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (02:36pm)
l was in the same situation as well, second year of uni. We got on like a house on fire, something more was always hinted at, but never delivered. lt upset me so much at the time, l felt like l was running round after him like a puppy. (probably because l was)
l went away on a holiday for easter and happened to meet a lovely man who subsequently became my boyfriend. And the reaction of my on again/off again ‘friend’? He was SO jealous, and it was brilliant. Serves him bloody well right
Sat 27 Nov 10 (10:27am)
This ^^
Same position for me, I was 19.
However, two months after I realised she was playing me, I started dating my current partner, and 3 years on we couldn’t be happier.
It’s funny how when you stop focussing on one person, you realise there is a whole world of other, better people out there!
Sounds like a massive tool. My advice: tease the crap out of him… ignore him. Make him sulk. Don’t give him any attention because this is what he thrives on.
Go and find someone else who deserves your attention and wants a relationship and stop wasting your time with this jerk.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (10:57am)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:20pm)
She cant ignore him. Girls are terrible at that. She’s writing this big appeal for advice about him, and what’s he doing right now - probably kicking the footy around with his mates or playing Call of Duty.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:43pm)
I couldnt agree more.
I am in a similar situation atm, have been for the last two years,my Mr X just seems to feed of the lack of attention, and when I give in, he becomes cold, but as soon as I stop, he is back again… its the dam*n chase!!!
The chase is only fun for so long, after a while you get over it. (my case) Some men and women never do, because thats all it is to them.. a chase. Take that away, they are not interested.. Its not fun anymore when you got what you wanted..
I think cut your losses and run. Plenty o’ fish in the sea =)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (03:54pm)
Can’t play a player.
He won’t sulk, the best she can hope for is him getting bored and moving on to the next girl who thinks she can outplay him while at the same time unlocking the ‘real’ him.
I hate people who do this shit who are older than 20-25.
Mind you, I’ve been accused of being like this when I was younger BUT I was 18 then.
So at a young age you have to sort of excuse this type of behaviour to a degree.
Sometimes people just sort of ‘try out’ their sexuality and their flirting on others as they are growing up and don’t quite have a firm grasp of the ramifications of their actions… they are in the process of ‘working it all out’ and experiencing and defining the difference between sexual attraction, chemistry, excitement or the thrill of the chase, ego boosts, a relationship or a friendship.
This guy might simply know he has an attraction for you but that’s all he really knows.
The most important thing is to KNOW WHAT YOU WANT and find someone that fits in with the picture of what you’re looking for.
Find someone who is truly on your wavelength in the right time, place and moment.
I know it’s hard to let go, especially to let go of a ‘dream’… that is the worst.
That’s something I have to do too, right now… I actually got a bit upset over that last night. Sigh…
I’m afraid it doesn’t get any easier but I think you have to let people go… and then step back and see what they do…
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:02am)
Wow, what a catch! You two sound like the perfect couple and he’s bound to come around sooner or later.
In the meantime, what you should do is start sleeping with him and sort-of seeing him. While you’re in this ‘transitional’ phase of your true love, find a nice sweet loyal caring guy who’s obviously romantically interested in you, treats you like your not-quite-BF treats the other women he treats really well without jerking you around like he does, and incessantly bitch to him about how badly your boyfriend treats you and ask him what you should do. If he ever suggests you should leave your not-quite-boyfriend and hook up with him make sure to note that you don’t like to be pressured, that it’s your choice and that you’ll ‘think about it’ at some not-too-close point in the future. If your pet pseudo-eunuch tells you he doesn’t like being treated like some kind of emotional condom (he probably won’t btw), just ‘forget’ about it and keep doing it the next time you two hang out together - he’s your friend so he totally won’t mind and you can repeat as needed. Make sure to string your ‘just friend’ along just enough so he has a bit of hope that maybe one day you’ll hook up with him if he just takes your crap for long enough, but also not so much that you won’t have semi-plausible deniability when he discovers you’re playing him for a sucker. When he eventually decides he’s had enough, make sure to tell him that you’ve thought about it and made your choice, and you’re crawling back to your totally-not-abusive boyfriend because he’s changed and it’s totally different this time, not like the last time or the time before that ad nauseum. Besides, forgiveness is always a good thing, right? Tell him you understand how he feels, you’ve been in the same situation yourself, and you’re sure he’ll find someone, but he’s ‘like a brother’ to you and you’ve never thought of him ‘in that way’. Be sure to note that you wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship by hooking up together, and then never ever see or talk to him again.
Also, your feelings fo resentment towards your not-quite-boyfriend are unreasonable and wrong. When he hits you - give it time - it’s because you were asking for it and he really loves you baby. He’ll totally change if you just keep taking it long enough.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:06am)
Sounds like the guy I recently dated. All these guys do is destroy you. This guy got so jealous of me dancing with a friend at a ballroom class, he would make up in his head that I was cheating with my ex. All the while he was flirting and doing all sorts of things behind my back. It got to a point where he was trying to groom me to not have any friends. He tells me how much they all hate me and even says 2 of them are stalking him.
Cut all ties and find someone sane.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:10am)
Aahh, young love…
OP, Bossy and Kate (Armadale) makes a very valid point - a guy who is really heavy on the compliments isn’t that into you. Those things take time. If they start talking about how they want you to meet their Mum and they can’t stop thinking about you, he’s never felt this way about someone before blah blah blah, it should ring alarm bells. He’s interested in a fling, nothing more. If you want a relationship, then send this bloke on his way and look for something more substantial. Or have passionate commitment-free sex with him. But you can’t make this bloke into the boyfriend - he’s not interested.
Cool it off and be strong when he starts the pleading. I’ve seen dalliances like this go one for YEARS without any formal commitment. It’s bullshit, and if you let it continue when you want something more, well, you’ll end up like that woman who wrote in wanting to turn her gay mate into her husband…
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/i_love_him_but_hes_gay/
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:12am)
“If don’t wanted to be treated like an object, stop acting like one”
Words of wisdom from a great friend of mine, but I think it applies here. If you want this guy to take you seriously then stop with all the loving and affection, find someone who is more deserving.
Or you could sit him down in a quiet place and explain it to him like you would a little kid. What’s the worse that can happen? You get played and you learn from the mistake?
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:34am)
I don’t see how this is a ‘problem’ as such.... Isn’t this just a typical issue for the average 20 year old girl? It’s not like she is alone and has this ‘unique’ problem or anything. This is merely a manifestation of that whole ‘bad boy’ syndrome - which some learn and grow out of, and some never learn.
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:36am)
The exact same thing can, and does happen in reverse.
There are girls who are like this ... playing the game, enjoying the ride and attention, and no real intention or feelings deeper than a burning desire to win at the game.
Hell we’ve probably all gone through it.
What you need to learn however , is how to identify when people are “in that phase” , or indeed eternally stuck in the game playing rut ... and stay away.
It’s a very important life skill to identify bullshitters, especially ones whom can hurt you.
There are those who you shag, and those whom you take home to mother.
Some of the best, most intense, chemically driven “fuck me to the moon and back” sex I’ve encountered was with a very cute, but eternally confused bi-polar girl who had 3 guys on the go at once, and who was using her attraction and sexuality to make herself feel complete (reality is : she’s desperately confused and lost in life.)
It lasted 2 months until the mystery turned to frustration, and I found myself feeling hurt / pissed off ... time to ditch HER to the kerb.
The trick is being smart enough to know where the under-currents of relationships are headed.
If he’s a great lay, then have some fun, but don’t confuse him wtih being your prince charming (who may well not be as exciting in the sack after a few months, as the chemical confusio in the brain is no longer rife.)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (11:59am)
Play Monopoly. I love Monopoly.
I bags the top hat.
Sincerely,
Fri 26 Nov 10 (12:02pm)
The exact same thing can, and does happen in reverse.
There are girls who are like this ... playing the game, enjoying the ride and attention, and no real intention or feelings deeper than a burning desire to win at the game.
Hell we’ve probably all gone through it.
What you need to learn however , is how to identify when people are “in that phase” , or indeed eternally stuck in the game playing rut ... and stay away.
It’s a very important life skill to identify bullshitters, especially ones whom can hurt you.
There are those who you shag, and those whom you take home to mother.
Some of the best, most intense, chemically driven “fuck me to the moon and back” sex I’ve encountered was with a very cute, but eternally confused bi-polar girl who had 3 guys on the go at once, and who was using her attraction and sexuality to make herself feel complete (reality is : she’s desperately confused and lost in life.)
It lasted 2 months until the mystery turned to frustration, and I found myself feeling hurt / pissed off ... time to ditch HER to the kerb.
The trick is being smart enough to know where the under-currents of relationships are headed.
If he’s a great lay, then have some fun, but don’t confuse him wtih being your prince charming (who may well not be as exciting in the sack after a few months, as the chemical confusio in the brain is no longer rife.)
Fri 26 Nov 10 (12:07pm)