Kate de Brito
Monday, November 15, 2010 at 08:15am
Dear Bossy: I am begging for your help as i really have no idea what to do. I’ll try and make years only minutes…
When i was thirteen i was raped on more than one occasion by a family friend,(he only got sentenced 2 years suspended) when i scraped up my pieces and got the courage to tell my nan (who at the time was raising me) i was pregnant with the offenders child. I was to far through to get an abortion and i had to go through with the pregnancy and birth, my nan said that it is to much for her or i to keep the “lil bub” so she had him given up for adoption.
Now i am 25 years old and i am pregnant to my fiance our first. it has taken me awhile to get to this stage with my past and health as being a factor too. But the real problem lays here… i am absolutly over the moon about being a mum and my lovely man is just as excited as what i am we just got our own house too!!
but you see the hospital we will be attending all of our appointments and classes and hopefully give birth to our little jelly bean is the same hospital where they have those records of my past, i have always wanted to tell my partner about everything that has ever happened to me but its to hard to see his face and heart hurt, i dont want to lay such horrible things on someone i love so much and i also dont want to feel like dirt and a bad person for what has happened and telling him that i feel like i would be that person.
So my question is do i tell my fiance? or do i ask the hospital to not mention anything in the records because my partner wants to be there at every appointment i love that about him. But what should i do dig it up or bury it more?
Yours Truly
Mum to be
Bossy says: The hospital should respect your privacy if you ask them too. You may need to call ahead and speak to someone so the records are not seen together as you go through the birthing process. But...and this is the real issue...lies are messy. And a lie like this is very messy. A lie like this has the potential to impact on your future happiness.
I get everything you are saying about not wanting to hurt your partner and I know why you have kept quiet for so long. Sexual assault is devastating. People who have been sexually assaulted carry feelings of guilt and shame even when they are not to blame. Your situation was even more traumatic and complicated because of the birth and adoption of a child.
So I understand you not having said anything before now. I understand not wanting to say anything at all. But if you don’t tell now it will become more than just an omission. It will be a lie. And while it may stay safely hidden for ever, there is also a chance it may not.
One concern is that someone may tell your husband (or the children you are soon to have with him when they are older) and they will feel incredibly hurt at not being told. Another concern is what might happen when the child you adopted out has grown up and want to get to know you.
You do not have to accept these attempts at contact but what if you change your mind? What if you decide you want to meet this child and introduce them to your other family. You can’t know how you will feel about this in the future. Having children with your current partner may change your feelings about this other child. And if you have not told, you will be hamstrung by your lie.
I cant tell you it is the wrong thing not to tell. But I think you should consider how much freer your life will be once it is out ... to your fiance at least.
You will not have to live always knowing there is something big from your past that could enter and change your present life. Remember too you want to marry this man for a reason. You want him to be part of your life forever. If he is a good man he is a friend as well as a partner. And you should trust him.
Couples do not have to tell each other everything. But they should be able to. I hope this is what you have with your future husband.
84 Comments
Can I just firstly start off and say how sorry I am for you having to endure something so terrible in the first place, this is burden no child should ever have to face.
Secondly I would like to commend you, you seemed to have picked up the pieces and fixed your life up, this could not have been easy.
I think you should tell your partner, he deserves to know and the longer you leave such a secret the worse the betrayal he will feel. I think if he is mature enough he’d be very proud of you, it could not have been easy. The chat would be worthwhile, perhaps not now whilst you pregnant, but definitely later on, you do not want to add emotional turmoil whilst carrying, its hard enough just getting through that.
Either way the call is up to you, but I certainly think your wise enough to know what is the right thing to do here. Best of luck with the bub
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:26am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:50pm)
Of course you should tell your fiance!
This is the man you’re going to marry,
And hopefully spend the rest of your life with!
Are you going to cradle this ‘big dark secret’ all your life?
Or
Are you going to bring it out into the open, and let the healing begin?
You say it’s a ‘big dark secret’, but it isn’t at all.
YOU make it into a ‘big dark secret’, when it isn’t one.
It’s something that happened in your PAST, a long time ago at that....
It’s something that you clearly haven’t gotten over yet.
It’s something that you need to talk about,
Otherwise it will continue to morph into an ‘even bigger dark secret’.
What is it that you fear?
Do you fear your husband will leave you if he finds out you were raped?
Well I think that’s doubtful.
If you sat him down and said,
“Honey, I’ve got something to tell you, it’s something I haven’t talked about with anyone before, but I feel like we’re at a point in our relationship where I can let it out”,
He will reply “what’s wrong darling”,
“Honey, when I was younger, a lot younger, I was sexually assaulted and raped. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, it’s something I have kept a secret for much of my life. I love you”,
He will reply, “darling, I’m so sorry, *goes in for a hug and kisses you on the forehead*, I love you, and I’m here for you”,
And then that’s when you both start crying.
Now, that’s the more likely situation..
The unlikely situation?
He will feel lied to.
Betrayed.
Like you couldn’t trust him.
Like he was unapproachable.
But of course, this is the unlikely situation....
For the moment that is.
The longer you hide this ‘big dark secret’,
The more likely it is he will feel betrayed.
Do you want to be married for 30 years, and then he finds out you’ve been ‘hiding’ something from him all your life, and consequentially feels like he meant nothing to you, and files for divorce?
No?
Well tell him.
You have made this a big deal.
So end that reign, and speak out.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:19pm)
Nice advice but
It’s really annoying
When people format
Their posts
Like this
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:57pm)
CTT, thought I’d just give you some more sources for your award winning advice.
2pm - channel 9 - days of our lives
3pm—channel 10 - judge judy
4.30pm - channel 10 - bold and the beautiful
6.30pm - channel 10 - neighbours
7.00pm - channel 7 - home and away.
I’m sure you have all these factual sources covered though.
Sincerely.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:31pm)
CTT -
Never has one planet held so many people wanting voodoo to be real.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (03:15pm)
Sokrates, I agree with you completely.
Captain, have you been reading the Odyssey lately? Maybe something along the heroic epics of Medieval literature in Norway? Beowulf, perchance?
Just desperately trying to understand the format and length of your messages… I think I preferred the emoticons!
Tue 16 Nov 10 (08:01am)
@ CTT
Your reply was the most draining thing I have ever had to endure
I was suffering whilst reading and struggling to read the entire thing
I can only imagine OP will feel a thousand times worse after having to experience your reply
Tue 16 Nov 10 (10:19am)
I agree I think if he is such a supportive partner he will understand and if mature enough will be proud of you for sharing something that he could understand is so hard.
Though you may have to make a lot of calls in advance if you chose not to tell him. I am currently 6 months pregnant with a low risk pregnancy and I still have many appointments with GP, hospital, midwives, ultra sounds, blood test etc where they all ask me for medical reasons, is this your first pregnancy? There are important reasons they need to know, especially if you had complications and or a c section. If you have had a c section in many cases you cannot be induced for your next pregnancy and it can risk yours and bubs life so it is important that everyone involved know the full story.
I think he will understand, it may hurt him a little knowing his son or daughter has a brother or sister and that this is not your first child, but if he is mature enough, he will not let it be an issue and will feel closer to you for having shared this with him. Don’t expect him to have an idyllic reaction it may be hard for him, but he will understand it is much harder for you.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (12:51pm)
I actually liked CTT’s formatting… i found myself signing along as if it was a poem… Or more in keeping with the subjet matter.. An Eminem-style rap song… I urge everyone to read it again, but this time try a bit of iambic pentameter.
So, what will you do when the kid comes looking for you in another 10 years time? And its likely they will - they will eventually find out they are adopted (if they don’t know already) and will want to find out about their story. Won’t it be much harder to explain then? Also, what if there are complications? Won’t it be an important fact that you have given birth before? You can hardly keep that a secret if there is an emergency - imagine your fiance then - worried about you, the baby, and then this drops on him.
You need to tell him this now, whilst things are calm. Then he has time to digest it. If he really loves you that shouldn’t change because you were assaulted as a child. Of course everyone hopes it will all go smoothly - but anything can happen, and this is something you don’t want dropping out of the sky at the worst possible moment, out of your control and with little or no explanation.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:35am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:14pm)
Excellent advice! I agree with Iron Lady.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (06:55pm)
This was my first reaction. From a medical point of view, it’s important your partner knows - if anything unplanned happens, he (and the medical team) will need to know your full background.
OP, good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (08:02am)
hear hear
fab advice ILOM
Tue 16 Nov 10 (09:29am)
Another thought - on the birth certificate, doesn’t it list previous issue of the mother? So there will be another child on there - as I have done some family history in the past, I remember that you could often find out about other children this way......... the OP doesn’t mention changing her name - in fact, the hospital already knows her..............
Tue 16 Nov 10 (12:51pm)
No, the birth certificate does not list “previous issue of mother” and if the birth was healthy, then there is no reason to disclose. The OBGYN will need to know, and I think it’s bad to lie to your husband but the OP needs to feel OK about this.
I don’t tell everyone everything about myself. That is an ideal of mine, but I disclose what is relevant and wait until I feel comfortable in disclosing what I do.
I really dont understand how people get to these points in relationships without telling all the deep dark secrets that you’ve never told another. Though, I haven’t been raped though and forced to give up a child. I suppose thats an extra special level of trauma.
Tell him, I dont know why you think you’d hurt him by telling him. If he is wonderful (and I presume him being your fiance and having a baby to him, he is) then he will just be sympathetic and understanding. It will also take a massive weight off your chest, It sounds like this secret is eating you up inside. Trying to further keep it a secret will only make this worse.
Good luck!
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:36am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:10pm)
As an added bonus, if he’s not sympathetic about this and turns it into something about himself, you’ll know he’s an immature grade A asshat that you should run far, far away from.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (11:32pm)
I can see your point that relationships should be open and all deep dark secrets exposed but I think discussing rape has many levels of trauma involved and it is difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced it. I was when I was younger and it is unbelievable how much guilt you can place on yourself there can be a level of manipulation these predators put on kids that keeps them quiet crushes their self esteem and makes them believe that in some sick way it’s their fault when it’s not I carried that guilt for so many years I felt worthless because of it and it took a long time for me to get over it move on and see the world in the way I should have always seen it.
I commend Mum to be on moving on with her life and not letting it stop her living. But it is also freeing to tell those closest to you and if your partner loves you as he seems to from your letter it will only bring you closer. If you run around trying to hide it that will weigh heavily on you, put you on edge when you should be enjoying every aspect of the impending birth of your child. I can understand your concern about it hurting him as it does upset others to know the pain someone you love has suffered silently but it’s more upsetting for him to be kept in the dark and for you to go out of your way to avoid the truth. Sharing this in a calm, genuine caring situation will give you a sense of relief. You have nothing to be ashamed of you were a child who was a victim and those around you did what they thought was best. It is important for your own peace of mind that you share this as it’s not a dark secret it’s a sad piece of history that was part of your life, it’s not something you have to hide.
You’ll also really need to think about whether you’d accept your first child back in your life if they come looking for you too as others suggested and that should be less complicated if you’ve been open about things with your partner.
No serious relationships should begin with lies and coverups.
Tell your partner. If he’s worth his salt he will understand, support and both of you will have blue skys and sunshine up the road you are journeying on.
Having a good relationship means that you have the intimacy and openminded viewpoints about each others lives up to the point you met. Without this, you aren’t in a relationship. Your in a movie theatre where they haven’t loaded the film canister sitting in silence waiting for the lights to dim.
Sincerely
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:45am)
OP - you’ve been through hell, and you’ve survived it. Time to put the last dark shadows in the past. Tell your fiance what happened. Then you, he and the new baby can truly start a fresh new life together.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:51am)
What happened to you wasn’t your fault, OP. Tell him and have a good cry on his shoulder - looks like you need it.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:51am)
This is something that may effect him later in life if the child trys to find you.
It also has obviously impacted you, and must effect your relationship in some way, as any traumatic event would.
Secrets have a way of always coming out, dont let what this monster did to you impact on your life anymore than it already has.
Take control, tell your partner. Be prepared for the fact he may be hurt and betrayed by the fact you havent already told him, but the sooner you tell him, the sooner you can move past this and look forward to a bright future with your new family.
Good luck!
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:06am)
You should have told your fiance the truth. If he loves you, he wouldn’t care. Having said that, the hospital is obliged to keep your medical records confidential. Like Bossy said, you might have to give them the heads up so that they don’t blurt it out in front of your man.
But I’d tell him. You were young, and pressured by family members to continue with the pregnancy. No 13 year old is capable of raising a child. He’ll understand.
Good luck.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:09am)
What a burden to have to carry around OP. I feel so sad that you had to survive such a trauma, but survive you did and look how happy and excited you are about all the possibilities of the future. Congratulations..
We all have our cross to bear. With a bit of luck you have found a mate who is mature and wise enough to acknowledge this, I mean this is not who you are, it is what happened to you when you were a child by a bastard who does not deserve to breath the same air as you & I.
Be brave and tell him what happened. I wish you the best life has to offer
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:11am)
You have the right to confidentiality, and I would suggest that even if you plan on telling your partner about your past, you should still speak to the hospital about keeping the details confidential. It seems like common sense - my boyfriend knows pretty much all there is to know about me, but I’d be pissed if some doctor started divulging my entire medical history to him.
I do think you should tell him. But before you do, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not react in the way you want or imagine. He might get angry (at the offender or at the fact that it happened at all), he might cry, he might not act like it’s a big deal (I suspect this would be the hardest response to deal with, as it’s obviously a huge deal for you). But you’re not telling him for his reaction, you’re telling him because it’s something you want to get off your chest and share with him.
You also need to know that even if his reaction is not what you’d expect, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or doesn’t love you. It could just be that he has no idea what to say and ends up saying the wrong thing. I experienced domestic violence with a former boyfriend and at one point, my current partner said something along the lines of ‘you’re an idiot for staying with him’. I chucked a mental and thought it was really insensitive, but what he meant was that he couldn’t understand why someone he considers to be intelligent would make the choices I have made in the past.
Good luck with telling him, I do think it’s important. And best of luck with your pregnancy.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:13am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:50pm)
OP I started going out with my GF when we were aged 19. At 22, 6 weeks before we got married, she told me that she had been abused by a person known to her family for many years. We cried a lot together, but worked through her recovery together. It took a long time.
Be prepared that once you reopen this wound it is emotionally a long and painful process, but one that is worth going through. There will be all sorts of issues of self esteem, guilt and reasserting control over your body. You will need your partners support and love.
We’ve just turned 46 and we’re now oming up to our 24th wedding aniversary. It was worth it.
Be brave
Tue 16 Nov 10 (10:42am)
Have you had a baby though Kate? When you are pregnant you need to discuss your medical history in many appointments, you often see different specialists, midwives, doctors, technicians and they all need to know past info. It’s not like the doctor comes in and says “well I see you’ve been sexually assaulted” but a previous pregnancy and the details of that pregnancy can be vital - especially if there were any complications during the pregnancy or birth.
I bring my partner to any appointments he can make it to and he will often hear a lot about me and the pregnancy and how the bub is going. I am the one that chooses to have him there, I don’t think the doctors would be thrilled if I told them I want him in the room but don’t bring up my medical history because it invades my privacy in front of my partner. Your history comes up and it’s something that they have to discuss whether your partner is there or not. You can’t bring your partner into a doctor’s office or hospital and expect the doctors to tip toe around him, they are there to do their job.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (12:54pm)
Kimmy, I strongly suspect Bossy has kids.
And what makes you think the doctor “wouldn’t be thrilled”? A cornerstone of medical practice is patient confidentiality. You most certainly should expect them to “tiptoe” around your privance, that is absolutely their job.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (02:36pm)
@Kimmy - no, I haven’t had a baby. I suppose if I had a huge problem with my boyfriend finding out my medical history, I wouldn’t bring him into the appointment with me.
I guess the medical history things that I would be annoyed about would not be directly related to the pregnancy. Eg: I don’t mind if a doctor walks in, sees me and my boyfriend, and talks about the birth or the baby’s heartbeat or my blood pressure etc. I wouldn’t appreciate it if the doctor started discussing my mental health history without at least asking if I wanted to keep that stuff private. If that makes sense.
It’s a moot point really, because my boyfriend now knows about my history. It’s one of the things we’ve discussed actually, because we do plan on having children one day but he knows I’m quite scared of having to stop taking anti-depressants for the first part of pregnancy.
@Supportive, I think it’s great that you were such a source of comfort to your wife. My boyfriend was good too, I think some things are still hard for him to understand though, like how hard it is for me to forget about what my ex did to me and how I’m quite paranoid as a result. But he tries, and that’s good enough for me.
Tell him OP - it’ll be harder if he finds out years later if your first child comes looking for you. If you tell him now and your first childs comes for you, he’ll be there to support you as i am sure it will be a rough experiencing the pain from your past. Good luck OP.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:14am)
I think Bossy gives you sage advice.
If you can find a way to do it, I think you should tell him. Honesty is hard, but having the truth come up in ways that aren’t in your control is even harder.
Maybe write him a letter? It might make it easier to find the words.
I also suspect becoming a mum will really bring back a lot of feelings from before when your son was placed for adoption, and you may need help to work through that. It won’t be fair to your hubby, your new baby, or yourself if you try to do that alone.
All the best.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:21am)
Oh my poor dear young lady!
I strongly recommend you do NOT tell your fiance about your illegitimate child.
Even though what happened was not your fault, men can often be “funny” about these things. Your fiance may be sympathetic, but he might also see you differently, if your honour has been compromised. At worst, he might even wonder whether you were partly responsible for what happened. He may lose the regard and respect he has for you. Or he simply might not want the potential complication of the adopted child (ie what if the child grows up and wants to have a relationship with you and your future family?)
Are you prepared to take this risk? Are you prepared for the fact that your fiance might even leave you, if you tell him what happened? If so, you should tell him.
If not, you should instruct the hospital not to disclose your prior information. Hopefully the doctor(s) will understand, even if they think your fiance should know.
Remember also, if your adopted child does attempt to contact you, you are under no obligation to respond to their overtures. If you do wish to know them, you can always arrange to meet in private.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:39am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:08pm)
Ethel Sidebottom this is one of the most ridiculous responses I’ve ever seen you post. You are normally very practical with your advice but this time I feel you’ve lost your marbles.
What good will a life of secrets and lies do for anyone?? While it will be very difficult to “confess” to such an awful turn of events, OP has done nothing wrong, except perhaps maybe feel now, as an adult, she has made the wrong choice (even though it may have been the best one at the time).
If her new partner is going to “wonder whether she were partly responsible” or her “honour has been compromised”, then she’s better off without someone who’d think such disgraceful things and judge so swiftly.
Tut tut Ethel, very disappointed.
It will be a difficult story to tell, Mum to be, but I think it is best to be told. You will feel better not carrying it around in your heart, and you won’t be worried for the rest of your life that your secret will be inadvertently revealed. All the very best for you xx
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:23pm)
Usually Ethel you’re funny. But I think you should have shut up for this one.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:33pm)
Ethel you are losing your touch (not to mention your opening line)…
I weep for the Ethel’s of this generation…
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:38pm)
OP, dont listen to Ethel… She’s stuck in the dark ages of prudedom.
Tell your partner OP, he can then understand where you have been while loving you all the more for who you are now - not to mention the huge amount of support you can count on him for, if he’s as lovely as you say.... And as others have said, once your baby is born its likely you’ll have feelings about the earlier child too, so your man will be able to understand that if he knows.
While I do agree that men can be ‘funny’ about these things, if he does think someone forcing themselves on you has compromised your virtue then he’s a cad and his opinion means diddly squat.
But dont get me started on all that ‘illegitimate/proper children’ crap, because its a bugbear for me. A child is a child, no matter what side of the blanket they were born on, and distinguishing one as better than the other is an enormous, steaming pile of codswallop.
There are a lot of other old fashioned words I could use to describe attitudes like Ethels’ but I’ll leave it to your imagination!
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:08pm)
Honestly, Ethel, I have to disagree. If the OP’s fiancee acts like a grade A asshat about what happened - as opposed to rightfully being hurt and upset that she simply didn’t tell him - he’s a man she needs to sack from her life with extreme prejudice.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:29pm)
What a load of shit, Yes men need woman to lie to them because only a cheating troll of a woman can handle these worldly truths. And i only read the 2nd line.
How do women get involved in such lies and trauma hmmm.... idiots like you convincing people to lie in the name of saving someone from the truth. WTF.. die in a hole troll.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (03:42pm)
What hurtful rubbish - ‘your honour has been compromised’.. While most of what you wrote is quite valid in general, I hardly think this is what the OP needs to hear in regards to such a delicate experience.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (05:41pm)
Ethel,
You may weep for society today, but I weep for you.
If this man feels “funny”, about her being “compromised”, as you put it, then he is almost as big an asshat as the abuser. What I want to know is how you think that this girl could possibly be responsible for being violated in such a horrendous, vulgar manner? She was an innocent 13 year old child that had her body violated by someone she trusted, was made to go through with the birth of a child whilst so very young, then forced to give up said child…
The painful memories that her current pregnancy may be bringing to her now would be stressful enough without having to be told that her fiance may consider her as “damaged goods”.
This girl needs to be applauded for her strength and determination in re-building her life… If her fiance can’t love her at her worst, then he sure as h*ll doesn’t deserve her at her best!!!
What if the shoe were on the other foot? What if he had been through a terrible time when he was young that changed his life forever? Would you want to know about it? If he told you, wouldnt you want to love and support him as much as you possibly could even if it hurt you?
You cannot have absolute control over a secret as big as this. Like Bossy says, it may stay secret forever, but it may not. Would you rather he hears it from you now or risk him hearing about it from someone else years from now?
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:40am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:57pm)
+1
OP, if you were in his situation, how would you like to find that out from someone else, perhaps a stranger?
Tue 16 Nov 10 (08:42am)
Mum-to-be, my heart goes out to you for what you’ve been through, but Mahina’s right ... if your fiance had fathered a child in any circumstances before you got together, you would want to know and you would feel very betrayed if it only came out months or years down the track. It’s a big secret to carry around. Also, at some point, your biological child will come looking for his/her birth mother.
I wish you all the best.
Tell him. If he loves you he will understand—how could he not? You went through a terrible experience and, as a child, did as you thought best (perhaps) and were instructed and gave the baby up for adoption.
It might be tough on him, but if he is a kind and understanding man surely his anger will be aimed at your rapist, not at you. It must be hard to speak about after so many years, but it’s something that has shaped who you are, and may also play a part in your future together. He doesn’t have a right to know everything in your past, but this seems like something that you should share with him if you can.
Good luck with your baby and your relationship.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:55am)
I understand why you don’t want to tell your fiance but, really, you need to tell him. Being pregnant will bring a lot of the past back into your mind and that’s going to affect the way you react to him and to seemingly innocent events. Already you are worrying about what the hospital might accidentally say about your previous pregnancy. You don’t need that.
It will be hard for you to talk about it, and hard for him to hear, but he needs to know so he can understand and support you in this pregnancy and afterwards. It might be worth considering a short period of counselling together to help you both deal with the emotions that will come up.
Trust that your fiance is an adult and will be able to deal with his own emotions. This information will come out sometime, so it would be much better for everyone if you told him about it yourself before you find yourself having to not only explain the events, but also why you didn’t trust him enough to tell him.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:56am)
You should tell him. I understand this has been a traumatic thing for you, but if your future husband to be loves you, he will be able to help you through this. Burying something like this will only cause problems for you down the track..... let it out now, talk about it and work through it. Everything will be all right.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:10am)
TELL HIM.
Your past is who you are/Helped make you who you are.
Your past is part of who he is getting involved with.
Its terrible what happened to you, but i think he should know.
While your terrible past is yours, if he goes into this thinking your both experiencing this for the first time and he finds out after its not the case he wont be happy.
Your only worried about bringing unpleasantness into the conversation who knows it might mean more to him than that.
Maybe that was a bad example, but heres another.
As a 14year old, i was with a girl i loved for a year, we decided to have sex for the first time both of us, 6months later after we had broken up i found out she had been raped as a young child. While that’s terrible and i feel for her, i was under the impression i was loosing my virginity with another who was loosing her virginity and experiencing these things for the first time. While her childhood experience was terrible and the last thing she needs is to feel bad about what forceably happened to her as a child i missed out on the truth and the experience shared with someone. Terrible position for her to be in i am sure, i think she should have said she had a sexual partner before and its none of anyones business then i would have known what i was getting into. Had i known prior i may or may not have gone ahead with it (we will never know).
This all sounds terrible but i think its valid.
If i was religious and/or hated a race for example lets say i was in the KKK Heavily beleiving and a black lady dressed as a white lady i would be upset that i had been deceived and the last thing i wanted in life was to be with a black woman and i had this occur i would be mighty unhappy. I wouldnt die, my life wouldnt change at all, but… think i made my point.
The OP’s Story sounds simple, she probably has trouble talking about it so theres 1. He prolly wont like his princess having such a terrible life (prolly wanna go hunting
but i dont think it would change much (tell him and find out). Once you tell him he will know and you can share that pain with someone you love/trust instead of wearing the weight yourself quietly alone. Your past is part of who you are and made you who you are today, you cant escape your past, sooner or later it will popup. I just think let him know exactly what baggage hes devoting his life to.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:12am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:22pm)
Your virginity post made perfect sense, and is a good example. I think the OP needs to tell her partner. I agree with you entirely when you say that he will think this is something they are both experiencing for the first time, and to learn that its not could be hurtful if he isnt told sooner rather than later.
OP I am sure that your partner is going to be very upset by the news, and maybe even so that you kept it from him all this time so far, but nothing could compare to the hurt he will feel if he finds out later on and in another way other than from you.
Be strong little miss, everything will be ok
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:05pm)
Are you seriously all there?
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:38pm)
Sorry I disagree, I dont think the girl had any reason to tell you she was raped as a young child. She probably also didn’t consider being raped as losing her virginity. I’m finding it difficult you feel her previous experience detracted from yours. Sounds incredibly selfish, unless I’m getting the wrong message from your post?
I would only divulge such a thing to a trusted long term partner such as the OP should. A 14yo relationship is not the place.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (03:07pm)
While the virginity analogy was good, its not quite ‘a previous sexual partner’ when you have been raped. Its more of a violent invasion of your body, not a sexual (or pleasant) encounter at all!
So in terms of loving, mutually enjoyable sex she has never had a partner before if her only prior experience was a rape, and in every way OTHER than the brute physical invasion, she IS a virgin.
Just sayin
Tue 16 Nov 10 (07:34am)
Are you serious??? You consider rape the same as losing your virginity? NO WAY.
She was a virgin in every way that counts.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (01:18pm)
Guys, this isn’t a subjective matter. A virgin is someone who hasn’t had sex. ‘Sex’ does not = pleasant. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Either way it’s still sex. That’s part of the horror of rape - it can take away someone’s virginity without their consent.
Dear Mum to be,
best to tell him, but you should prepare the ground first. Let him know that you have something to tell him, and that it is very difficult.
After you tell him, let him know that you don’t want him to seek revenge on your attacker, so don’t vent about him only getting 2 years suspended.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:40am)
Tell him. It’s a weight you want lifted. It will be hard but it will make the two of you closer and you will be so much happier that you do not have to carry such a secret.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:45am)