Kate de Brito
Monday, November 15, 2010 at 08:14am
Dear Bossy: I am recently separated from a 24 year marriage. I used to think I had an excellent relationship with my mother in-law, and his oldest sister (she was my bridesmaid) and so I have been shocked and saddened by their cold response to the me since the breakup, and their lack of support.
(Although I don’t know exactly what my ex-husband has told them about the breakdown of our relationship!?)
He has 2 sisters other much younger than himself, in fact they were born after we were married.
I have known them their whole lives, and have had a quite close relationship with them, more like an Aunty.
I have never had an issue with them, nor them with me, and they have been quite supportive and friendly towards me since the break up.
The problem comes down to this;
One of the girls, having tried for a few years to fall pregnant, has finally had success with IVF and is expecting her first baby. I am very excited of course, and asked mum in-law about the baby shower.
“I don’t think she’s having one” I was told.
Of course she is having one, which the other sisters are organizing.
I heard through my 17 year old daughter that she and I were both invited to the party, and would receive our invitations soon.
A few weeks go by, and no invitation. Then I hear that no – I am not invited, but my ex-husbands new girlfriend, (whom they have met maybe 3 times) is invited.
I am so upset that she is invited and not me - maybe they feel awkward, or the mother in-law has influenced the decision?
I was happy to go if she was attending. I don’t even know her and I have no animosity to her at all.
My daughter was told that they would “make it up to me”, and come and visit me with the baby.
My daughter is tremendously upset at my “un-invitation” and says she wont go to the party without me.
I am upset by the gesture, and to me it is a real slap in the face. I am also upset that nobody has spoken to me personally, and I have to find out information second hand through my daughter.
I understand that I am no longer an official part of their family, but they have been my family for over 25 years and I am all they have known for their whole lives.
Should I break all ties now with these 2 girls and make no effort to see them or the new baby?
Or should I turn up at the party after all to give her my best wishes and support?
What do others think
Bossy says: Of course you can’t turn up at the party. You weren’t invited. But you can have a chat to your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law about what is going on.
I think what they’ve done is pretty gutless. You say you are recently divorced but you also say your hubby has a new girlfriend. So whatever the reasons behind the split your ex husband has not let the grass grow under his feet. He is not curled in a fetal position waiting for you to return.
Given that your husband is able to move on, and you profess to having no problem with his new girlfriend there should be no reason you being invited to this sort of family gathering.
Unfortunately sometimes people are confused about to deal with couples post-separation and in the confusion there can be hurt feelings.
Don’t break all ties. You have to take the higher ground even though you are hurt. Try to believe they have simply fumbled rather than been deliberately cruel. If it is deliberate it will become apparent over time. You may have to come to terms with the fact that while you still want to be involved with the family, your husband may not be quite as eager to see you at these events.
People almost always side with their blood family in these breakups. They have to. But it is also entirely natural for you to consider them your family after 25 years. You are also linked by your children and their relationship with the family.
It’s a shame they could not have called to tell you the situation personally. But that being the case you need to make a call to talk to them. You don’t have to go on the attack. Just call the girl who is having the party. Be very gentle.
Say: “I wanted to talk to you because when X and I broke up it was my dearest wish to maintain relationships with the rest of the family, because you are all still family to me.” Then say: “I wanted to know if the reason you didn’t ask me at your shower was because I had done something wrong. I don’t want to make this difficult for you but I do want to understand how things are for the future because you are all important to me.
Let your young sister-in-law know that you don’t feel uncomfortable around the new girlfriend and want to meet her at some stage as she is obviosuly paying a role in your children’s life.
If your sister in law tries to invite you to the shower say no. Say: “I didn’t ring to press you for an invite. It’s best to sit this one out now. But I do hope I can still be part of some of the big events in your life. I am so thrilled about the baby and I will be over to meet him or her when born.”
People can be foolish and unthoughtful around divorce. Try to believe they are just adjusting and if you are patience and persistent you can find a new place in the family. If it doesn’t work out that way it will be a genuine loss to you all.
68 Comments
This is a classic case of blood being thicker than water. Whilst I get you had a close relationship with them, when faced with an option most people (not all) would choose their blood over you.
It’s actually quite sad, but perhaps they are faced with having to invite your ex and know having you there will create a tense atmosphere. Perhaps they just don’t want you around, but a classic saying always pips my mind in scenarios like this “what goes around, comes around.”
I truly believe you should treat people they same as you would like to treated, stick by this philosophy and everything for the most part is good. I would kick them to the kerb, if they are showing you such treatment and are so judgemental, do you really want them around? That is the question I"d be asking.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:21am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:57pm)
Honestly, all I can say is WAKE UP.
This is trivial crap.
You weren’t invited to a baby shower,
And this is a big deal how?
You ended a marriage with their son and brother,
Of course there is going to be some resentment and uncomfortableness left there.
Have you ever thought that maybe they just wanted things to run smoothly?
Maybe they wanted everyone to be comfortable?
Perhaps you constantly make scenes, and create an uneasy atmosphere.
Of course you can deny that, but it isn’t for you to judge if you do that or not,
It’s for those around you to.
The way you’re acting like a wha-wha, “I should have been invited, should I turn up?” leads me to believe that you would indeed make it an uncomfortable place to be.
You sound selfish,
Like everything revolves around you.
It doesn’t.
That’s the reality to your fantasy,
So snap out of it, and wake up.
Stop clinging onto your husband and what you had,
So what if he has only “seen” his girlfriend 3 times,
How does that make her less entitled to go to the baby shower than you?
After all, she is his present partner,
And not a dried up has been.
Go reread this letter,
You will see what a selfish, self-entitled, bitch you sound like.
Good riddance!
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:27pm)
Wow CaptainTruthTeller. I think you need to reread the letter.I didn’t pick up any of that from what she wrote, infact sveral of your statements are completely different to what the OP wrote. See you took your nasty pills today, maybe you should refrain from responding when you’re having a bad day
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:57pm)
Captain Truth Teller,
What is up with the spaces after every 5th or 6th word.... How about you try typing out a whole sentence or possibly even two before you hit enter.
You ‘advice’ seems pretty foolish too, yeah the OP is upset about the baby shower thing but really that is just the beginning, if she has been part of her in-laws lives for so long it is understandable that she would be upset to be cut off from them, especially as it seems that the ex-husband has moved on and is not pining after her.
It might be a bit hard for a 16 year old such as yourself to understand though.... don’t worry buddy, puberty passes.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:59pm)
CTT, why explain it in 224 words when you can explain it in 1000?
Sincerely,
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:10pm)
You sound like a total douche to me “Captain Truth Teller”
I think the sort of behaviour shown by her ex’s family is is sadly all too common and in my opinion disgusting.
You are part of the family after 25 years for better or worse and dismissing those relationships which have covered a time equal to a 1/3 of her life is just wrong.
If you were a cynical type of person you would think that it is best to not even bother with anything other than the most superficial friendships with in laws and their family as if your relationship fails you will be dumped twice, once by him and again by his family.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:23pm)
Well CCT, you have decided to make yourself more bloody annoying by not only coming back but by replying to the first post constantly because you are so self important. Mate, get a frigin life and try posting to page three for a change.
General Al.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:49pm)
You must have hit your head when you got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning Cap’n…
Mon 15 Nov 10 (03:16pm)
I think it does come down to that old saying blood is thicker than water, whoever it does not excuse the family to treat you like crap. I think you need hold back from socialising with them but let them know you do not appreciate been treated like this & that if they would like to continue having a relationship with you than you would like them to treat you with respect & dignity.
If they continue to disrespect you than I think give them the entire family the finger & tell them to excuse your back. Time will heal everything, it seems to me your ex doesn’t give a dam about your feelings or how the family is treating you, and he sounds very selfish. You were a part of their family for a long time & just because you are separated does not give them the right to not invite you to a very special family event & still expect you to be to all happy dazy
Mon 15 Nov 10 (04:54pm)
CTT didn’t you leave? get a cat & take it 4 a walk, D’HEAD
Mon 15 Nov 10 (07:43pm)
I
am
glad
you
have
stopped
with
the
emoticons.
But
why
do
you
bother
to
still
come
trolling?
Tue 16 Nov 10 (08:10am)
@ CTT
You’re a twat.
Maybe you should stop your judgement until you’ve actually experienced a relationship and some form of human connection and attachment.
This is not some 5min relationship. This woman has been with them for over 2 decades.
Sure she should not just turn up to the b shower but she’s obviously hurt she wasn’t asked to come or explained to why she was not invited.
Anyway, you should have left when you said - good riddance to you.
And your spacing is really irritating. But I guess you enjoy that. Loser.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (01:24pm)
I am not sixteen you foolish cretin,
I am nineteen years of ago.
That’s a one and a nine, together of course.
What is the issue with my text format?
Why can’t I do anything right?
When I used emoticons and wrote in full,
You hung shit on me.
I no longer use emoticons,
But instead write in a different format.
A format that I like and enjoy.
A format where you can,
Read between the lines so to speak.
Leave me alone,
You lonely internet thugs.
A catastrophe is brewing,
With your names printed.
It never ceases to amaze me, how much people pump up these events to be such a big deal. Do you think the baby cares about a baby shower? The baby will have no real concept of what this is and why it was done till it’s like 5 or something.
You divorced your husband, do you think he wants you there in the background of his familys matters forever? I highly doubt that this is the case, in fact, how can you grow and experience new things if you keep dabbling in your ex families affairs.
I’m not saying don’t talk to them again, i’m just saying let it all go for a whiles, and concentrate on meeting new people. You might resume friendships and relationships with these people down the track. But the present is not the right time to do that.
Sincerely.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:39am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:32pm)
Read the letter Dr Dropkick, she didn’t divorce her husband, they’re recently separated, there is no animosity and he has moved on. When i split with my ex after 20 years together, some of my inlaws dropped me like a hot potato too - it hurts, especially if you have been on good terms with them. It could be worse OP, my ex inlaws invited my ex husband’s mistress for Christmas dinner three months after we split and couldn’t understand why my kids were in tears about it. At the end of the day, you can’t control how they behave, you can only be responsible for your own behaviour, it’s sad and it doesn’t has to be that way, but people can be really hurtful at the time when you need their friendship the most.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:33pm)
Wait till the daughter’s wedding - that wil be a doozy.
Hopefully there will be enough water under the bridge by then and for them.
Tue 16 Nov 10 (10:28am)
She’s not invited to the baby shower, animosity is still present. Read between the lines Cate!
Sad and childish as it is, your ex-husband has probably been talking to his family and painting you in all sorts of bad light. This shit happens when marriages fall apart and, generally, family stick together. Of course they’re going to believe their own son/brother. Family I thought had loved me and had known me all my life dropped me, my sister and my mother as soon as it was made public that my parents were splitting up. It happens. Sorry it’s happening to your and yours.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:40am)
Tue 16 Nov 10 (02:36pm)
OP, I’m sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Being honest, it’s a case of blood thicker than water. I had this happen to me, MIL, DIL wanted nothing to do with me after the divorce and in fact were the ones who did all sorts of work behind the scenes to make it fail. Thankfully, I’ve moved on.
Sorry, OP it’s just a sad part of life. All the best z.
Blood is thicker than water, and people take sides. Get over it. Its like my mate’s wives. If they get divoced. The rule is I would cease to have all contact witht he wives.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:47am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:28pm)
Are you serious? You really have your freinds and her friends? No wonder relationships dont last, thats just sad
After breakups with a partner, ususally you break up with the family too. Your situation is a little different though, being the mother of their grandchild.
If the new girlfriend is invited, thats why you wouldn’t be invited. If it were me, I’d cut my losses and move on. If they choose to exclude you then they probably aren’t worth it.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:47am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:46pm)
Yeah it bites, my ex MIL did it to me (and we had been - I thought - great friends before the split).. Her son is a total ass towards me AND his kids now - but I’m still supposedly the nasty bitch who broke his heart.... and he STILL causes trouble for me and our son, 2yrs after remarrying!! Yet, of course, I’m the nasty one.....
Move on OP. I know its not easy but why waste your life pining for people who clearly dont give a rats about your feelings?? Talk to them by all means, but dont sweat it if the snub continues.
SOme people dont care who they hurt as long as the family dignity appears intact.
Dont worry, when your ex catches some horrible disease from his latest squeeze (who is invited to the party) they’ll start freaking that somehow the baby mama might catch it too...Or some other equally appropriate Karmic result. Have faith
Last year my 10 year marriage fell apart (mutual, no animosity) and I went through a similar thing with my ex’s family. What made it hard was my family still go to great lengths to keep my ex involved as they do consider her part of the family still. Bossy s\is right to sit down and talk to the MIL and SIL about what’s going on, but considering the change in my Parents in Law, if they have a grudge towards you for whatever reason, I don’t think it will necessarily achieve anything. Don’t burn your bridges though as you will still have times when you will be in contact with them and having issues with them will achieve nothing for you.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:54am)
I think Bossy’s right. I think you were “disinvited” because your former in-laws are still trying to work out how to manage all the relationships. Having ex-wives and current girlfriends at the same function can be awkward - and no one wants problems at a baby shower - so they decided that they would try to avoid any potential for discomfort.
Give them time. If it’s true that you have no issues with the GF, that will become apparent, and the family will become more relaxed about having the two of you in the same room.
Don’t push it. Visit the mom and baby on her terms, and don’t cut off the relationship. But most definitely, do not show up at the shower. That would be disrespectful in the extreme.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (08:57am)
You’re the ex now. Yes it hurts, yes it seems unfair, but its the way it is. He may have asked them to not have you there so it isnt uncomfortable for his new girlfriend. Who knows, either way you cant make this about you, because its not.
This is the most exciting time in your ex-sister-in-laws life. You werent invited. Deal with it. Dont make this about you, or you may lose the existing relationships you have kept.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:00am)
It is harsh, but they probably feel a sense of loyalty to their son.
Imagine how upset you would be if your parents and siblings, instead of comforting you and helping you through your divorce, decided to invite your ex-husband round for dinner and family parties, and carry on as if nothing had changed? Like it or not, having you around would probably be pretty intolerable for him.
Different families react in different ways to divorce. My aunt and uncle recently separated, and my family have been very pleasant to my uncle and have made him welcome at family events. His mother, on the other hand, is a complete bitch to my aunt and blames the entire thing on her (never mind that it was my uncle who cheated more than once). You can’t make these people be nice to you and take your side, even if it’s a bit unfair for them to cut you out completely.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:04am)
Move on OP - clearly something was said by the ex to his family and unless you will get a straight answer, you’re going to get more and more un-invitiations or no invitations. What i’d like to suggest is to not get your daughter in the cross fire - although she’s old enough to understand the situation, you dont want her to take sides. Your her mother yes, but your ex’s family is still her family. Good luck!
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:10am)
I suspect that they figure it will be awkward for everyone if both you and your ex hubby’s new parter are at the shower.
I think you have to get over it.
You are linked to the family via your kids, but you are no longer a part of it. Everyone has to move on somehow - this is the easiest way for them I suspect, especially when they need to welcome the new woman.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:12am)
Blood is thicker than water.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:23am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (11:56am)
Yes yes, we get the point. Please, no more hackneyed phrases. I’m far more concerned about the ghastly breach of etiquette that has led to the sisters hosting a baby shower. No one in the family is supposed to organise these gift grabs! What a clueless lot, including you OP.
Divorce is tricky for family members and joint friends. It’s about them - not you… To them…
Like many who have been there and suffered the painful ostracisation of the newly ex’s family and so called friends after divorce, I can only suggest that you just give it time. No-one knows how to react and rather than offend one they end up offending all.
Let it ride. It WILL settle down. Time and patience is the key. 24yrs is a long investment in your extended family and when they realise you are still the same person they have always known, things will go back to a semblance of normality. In time.
Don’t worry about the baby shower, send a gift if you like, but pop in and visit bub when born. Baby steps all round.
Wishing you luck and just know there’s light at the end of that tunnel
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:24am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:12pm)
No-one knows how to react and rather than offend one they end up offending all.
I think that is a very good point. I would say the ex has more than likely requested that the OP doesnt get invited, because he is there with his new girlfriend, and of course the family are going to do as HE asks.
I weep for society today!
Under no circumstances should you turn up to the party. Since you have not been invited, that would be the height of rudeness.
However, you may consider sending a nice card and a small gift later on, via the post?
As for your ex-in laws siding with your ex-husband, what on earth did you expect? He is their son and brother! Barring any overt and heinous behaviour he may have exhibited, of course they will take his side. It’s quite possible your ex-husband wants nothing to do with you, and they are simply supporting his wishes.
As for his new sweetheart, SHE is family now (or will be). Not you. You must accept that gracefully.
That’s not to say you have to take rude behaviour from them. If your ex-in laws are outright hostile and nasty towards you, of course you have the right to say something.
But do not force your friendship where it is no longer wanted.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:28am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:39pm)
Yeah Ethel, I agree about the small gift and a card.
Maybe a horses head in a nicely wrapped box and tasteful card saying “F@#$ you all very much, and see you all in hell” would be sufficient.
As for you Ethel, you old bag, you don’t think that just maybe 25 years of sharing these peoples lives as a family member is worth something? To you apparently not.
Take your own advice Ethel and recall what you said to Auletes when you were wet nursing his baby daughter Cleopatra when you were still a young woman,
http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i26/Valerian_photos/hieroglyphics-2.jpg.
It seems that no matter how you separate people act as though it was acrimonious and nasty. My husband and I mutually separated after seven years of marriage and two children during a difficult time and his family instantly stopped inviting me to things, treated every Facebook status as a swipe at him that required defending and recriminations and generally got very weird around me. Even after hubby addressed it with them and told them to pull their heads in it was still horrible.
After we worked through our issues and got back together there was a lot of awkwardness and feet shuffling. Before the separation we’d always been one big happy family but obviously I was naive to think that was reality. I’m clearly only a member of their family for as long as I’m married to him and while that breaks my heart, there’s nothing I can do to change it.
All you can really do is be nice, pleasant and honest. Tell them you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend and that it hurts to be suddenly excluded. But honestly, don’t expect it to change.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:37am)
It seems that no matter how you separate people act as though it was acrimonious and nasty. My husband and I mutually separated after seven years of marriage and two children during a difficult time and his family instantly stopped inviting me to things, treated every Facebook status as a swipe at him that required defending and recriminations and generally got very weird around me. Even after hubby addressed it with them and told them to pull their heads in it was still horrible.
After we worked through our issues and got back together there was a lot of awkwardness and feet shuffling. Before the separation we’d always been one big happy family but obviously I was naive to think that was reality. I’m clearly only a member of their family for as long as I’m married to him and while that breaks my heart, there’s nothing I can do to change it.
All you can really do is be nice, pleasant and honest. Tell them you don’t have a problem with the girlfriend and that it hurts to be suddenly excluded. But honestly, don’t expect it to change.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:37am)
Divorces are messy and hard, just as much on the immediate family as on the two people ending the marriage. People sometimes think they have to take sides and may do silly things, even if with the best of intentions. Be kind. Appreciate their position. It helps you to deal with it all if you see where they may be coming from.
Bossy’s spot on when she says to talk to them and ask them how they’re feeling about the whole situation. They may have presumed how you feel without even talking to you. Dont resort to being angry at them or making any sort of accusations as to intent. This will only make things worse. Whereas empathy goes a long way towards healing.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (09:49am)
The more women you cut ties with the happier you will be.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:02am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (12:11pm)
amen to that.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (01:11pm)
poor Alistair. I honestly feel sorry for you, that life has brought you to this point.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (02:38pm)
Finally something worth reading and its only 12 words long.
Turn up, and do so drunk.
Once there, proceed to rant loudly to all and sundry about how you feel violated and betrayed because your ex-husband’s family havent treated you with the utmost respect and decency since the dissolution of your marriage.
Police arrive shortly thereafter = handcuffs = trip to hospital = sedation…
Then write in again and tell everyone how you went.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:05am)
Mon 15 Nov 10 (03:41pm)
Loves it.
It’s hard because your children are still related to your ex-in laws so you still have to have some contact with these people, whether you like it or not. There are so many other people affected by divorce and not just the couple, or the children for that matter. It can get very awkward.
Just don’t get into petty fights over stuff that really doesn’t matter. Also think before you speak because words can’t be taken back. Actions seem to be forgiven more than ill-thought words.
Mon 15 Nov 10 (10:18am)