How do I know he won’t cheat?
77 Comments
Kate de Brito
Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 08:04amDear Bossy: I’m having a bit of trouble with wandering thoughts at the moment and have been a long-time reader so thought I might see what your opinions/advice might be.
I’ve been with my now boyfriend for coming up to 2 years now. I love him so much and do all I can for him (not because he asks, but because I love helping him out) and I’m very happy with him. This is the first really serious relationship either of us has been in with his longest being about 2 months (ending after he got fed up with the girls he was with) and mine about 6 months (with a girl when I was a teenager which I ended when it got too serious too quickly and I wasn’t ready for it). He is 24 and I am 22, so there’s not a huge age difference, and we get along incredibly well, on all levels. He can be a bit of a dickhead at times, but that’s just his style of humour which I can usually play along with.
My main issue is trust. I’ve always had a bit of an issue with trust which I think has just been due to my parents separating at an early age and being juggled between the two yadda yadda yadda… anyway, I’m generally an upfront kind of person but it takes a lot for me to fully open up to someone and divulge information about myself of my own accord, due to the whole trust issue. Unfortunately though, I seem to have a record of this coming back and biting me in my arse when it comes to relationships. My first boyfriend broke up with me because some girl at work apparently liked him (I was young and wasn’t really that into him, so this wasn’t that big of a deal), my first girlfriend escalated way too fast and when I declared a “break” she decided to make out with my younger brother in the back of her car at the drive-in… while I was in the front seat. Then my last relationship was the kicker; she was cheating on me with a guy she met at work who she always put before our relationship then denied it the whole time and hurt me like hell. I guess I still hold on to a bit of that anger towards her, but it’s mostly hurt that someone could do that to someone they apparently cared for.
Back to the present, my boyfriend and I have discussed cheating and being with other people when it’s randomly popped up in conversation over the time we’ve been together. I would absolutely never put anyone through that as I’ve been through it before and it’s horrible. He has said that he would never intentionally do it, but that the only time he could see himself doing it is if he were so “off his face” that he didn’t realise what was happening. I used to worry about this happening quite a lot when he used to go out every weekend, but he rarely goes out anymore so it’s a smaller worry.
The particular issue I have at the moment is with me. While I’m studying part-time, I’m also working in an office organising paperwork. It’s pretty monotonous and so I find myself with a lot of time to think during work… which can be very dangerous. Sometimes I find myself imagining him cheating on me and how horrible it would feel, which then has the ability to change my mood completely. I don’t want to think about those kinds of possibilities and I try my best to distract myself, but I sometimes find it very hard to get out of that train of thought.
I really do love him and I want to trust him with every part of me, but after being screwed over by everyone else I’ve ever let in, it’s very, very hard. He’s always reassured me that he wouldn’t cheat and has given me no reason or inkling that he might be, but I just can’t stop my wandering thoughts.
So how do I get out of this mind set and stop dwelling on something that I don’t even think is happening?
Hard To Trust
Bossy says: Sorry to add to your angst but I suspect you will get screwed over again. Not because your boyfriend is a cheater but because focusing on something so resolutely is almost like wishing it into life.
I don’t want to get all “The Secret” on you but I do believe what we focus on we help to grow. And while this doesn’t “make” something happen, by focusing on something strongly it does become the centre of your world.
From there you almost always find a way to make the world fit into this world view. So if you believe all men are bastards or you always get bad bosses or you have bad luck with men you will find a way to look for all those things in life.
You will ignore the things that don’t fit in - the good boss or the great guy - and you will turn it into something negative.
Your boyfriend may never cheat but you will spend so long obsessing over it that you will find another way for him to disappoint you.
If you are with someone and want to be in a monogamous relationship you need to trust them. And if they disappoint you and hurt you then you make your decisions about whether to give them another chance or move on.
Looking for disappointments in life is the surest way to find them. Don’t obsess. Just ban negative thoughts. You can’t control the future. Stressing about the possibility of him cheating is like holding onto air. Hold onto what’s in front of you right now.
Have Your Say
Profile
Kate de Brito
Got a question? Ask Bossy. No-holds-barred advice from modern-day agony aunt Kate de Brito. It's the advice your friends and relatives are probably too polite to give.
By emailing a question to Ask Bossy you accept your question may appear on the Ask Bossy blog on news.com and in The Daily Telegraph. Questions cannot be answered privately. Once a question is posted we reserve the right not to remove it.
Latest Articles
Recently Popular
View Entries by Date
Monthly Archives
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- September 2007
- August 2007
- July 2007
- June 2007
Tools
News.com.au Blogs
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||
I agree with Bossy, if you think about it too much you will make it happen, if only because your constant angst and questioning may drive him to cheat - sort of like ‘she is practically accusing me of cheating anyay so I may as well do it!’.
That being said I will say that alarm bells rang when you said he would only cheat if he were so ‘off his face’ he wouldn’t know what he was doing, this is why:
- Doesn’t matter how drunk you are you can still decipher right from wrong, he would only do it when he was drunk in order to use the excuse that ‘I only did it because I was so off my face and didn’t know what I was doing’.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:12am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:12am)
Oh c’mon - “Wish it and it will be so” crap?
Please. If that was true I’d be a millionaire several times over by now.
The issue is she is dating douchebags and dickheads. That, and the homosexual community has the highest rate of cheating amoungst partners (according to my gay mates).
By the sound of it, you’re a push over. Stand up for yourself and pro-actively do something, relationships are trust, if you don’t have that, bail out now and save yourself grief and heartbreak. Begin the journey towards someone you can trust.
I think you’re realising he is a complete dickhead and are trying to find ways to justify a break-up. Here’s some advice, just do it. Either that or your a pyscho that loves the drama of it all.
Good luck either way.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:00pm)
Hey, Rabbit, as far as I know, gay females tend to settle down to one person a lot easier than men ever do, gay or straight.
And I’d have to agree with bossy. If you’ve only ever been hurt in relationships, you tend to ignore the ‘nice’ guysand go for the ones that will hurt. After all, you know what’s coming
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:19pm)
OMG I cannot believe people are dissing the “wish and it will be so” theory. Haven’t you heartless cynics heard of The Secret? Don’t you watch Oprah??? Don’t your worship the very couch she farts on??????? Seriously poeple. The Secret is trooooooooooooooooo. The universe is dying to hear your request and deliver your brand new plasma TV and Astor Martin. Call now, they’re waiting. Sheesh.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:39pm)
Jewel: although he said that would be the only time he would do it, I know what he’s like in that state and he will wander off or forget about things completely… that’s not to say that doing so under those circumstances would be okay, but from knowing him and experiencing what he’s like in that state, I can see how it might happen.
Rabbit: oddly enough, I’m really not a pushover. As much as he can be a dickhead, I can give it as good as he does, but if he takes it too far then he’ll apologise straight away and make sure I’m okay. And there really isn’t much drama at all; my trust issues just occasionally get to me when my mind hasn’t got enough stimulation.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:36pm)
go see a shrink and knock the paranioa on the head before its get out of hand.....i had a partner who was like you and it got to the point if i coughed i was apparently giving signals to my numerous lovers not to come over because he was there.....very tiring and not an attractive quality to possess either!
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:52pm)
WAKE UP!!!!
Have you ever thought that maybe you were driving men away?
You sound obsessive and possessive at that.
I expect the real reason why you constantly “do things” for him,
Is really because you want to check up on him.
You want to try and do everything in your power to keep him around and interested,
Even if it means becoming a slave to him.
You aren’t living.
You’re merely existing.
Existing in fear at that.
How can you say you have a wonderful relationship,
When you look at your boyfriend and constantly think,
“Is he cheating?”
Eventually these thoughts are going to move on,
And morph into words…
Eventually you’re going to scrutinize his every move.
When he goes to the shop,
You will weep “you’re CHEATING you bastard”,
This will create arguments.
Lots of arguments....
And eventually a termination of your relationship.
It’s evident that you need help,
For your warped thinking.
Don’t deny this.
After all, you did come to a psych’s blog.
So, get off your computer.
Stop thinking about your boyfriend plastering one of your friends for a minute,
And go call up a psychologist and book in an appointment for next week.
Because if you don’t,
You’re more than likely going to drive all the men that come into your life away,
And become a lonely old cat lady.
I expect you fear loneliness,
So maybe this is motivation enough for you to change your behavior and way of thinking.
If all else fails,
Rest assured,
One day…
You will grow up,
Juvenile.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:59pm)
Yeah i just cant follow this trash, First its a person with a girl then with a guy, we dont know the gender of the OP either all i know is sometime or other this person is gay.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (02:16pm)
Bossy: I stand corrected madam.
Hard To Trust:
“As much as he can be a dickhead, I can give it as good as he does,”
Tit for tat relationship, or just not compatible if you both feel the need to be ‘dicks’ to each other.
“but if he takes it too far then he’ll apologise straight away and make sure I’m okay. “ - “oddly enough, I’m really not a pushover.”
Ironic anyone? My point is your going for dickheads, try opening your relationships past dickheads and douchebags. Nice guys won’t even need to apologise in the first place...but:
“And there really isn’t much drama at all; my trust issues just occasionally get to me when my mind hasn’t got enough stimulation. ”
You love the drama and attention of it. Prime example? You’ve just spent the time here to make a public example of your situation. Then of course prompty disregard any advice, unless it goes along the lines of your chain of thought. We’re merely pointing out your track record and current situation, with the limited information at hand.
However you do expect Bossy to rub her magic 8 ball and predict the future of whether a dickhead would cheat on you, tell you it’s all going to be alright, pat you on the back, and send you away. Perhaps so you can blame someone when it does go flopsided? The world, bossy, daddy not getting you that 16th birthday pony. But heavens deary, not your choice in men. Oh no I di-ent.
Seriously? Well then again, I suppose you were just smart enough to get into those sorts of relationships, that you really would need to ask.
Many thanks for manking my day, haven’t had a chuckle this good since a few fruitcake fridays ago.
It is “wish and it will be so” but not “you will become a millionaire rubbish Rabbit...it’s just as you say… She has a view of the world probably so narrow she seeks it out...eg. seeking out dickheads and douchbags to fit with her view that she will ultimately be hurt by relationships.
Kate de Brito
Wed 17 Nov 10 (11:25am)
You don’t ‘know’. You’ll never ‘know’. But you can trust.
Don’t waste time or energy worrying about things you can’t control. If he does turn out to be an A-grade asshat, there won’t be anything you can do about it. So enjoy what you have, trust that he’s for real when he says he wants to be with you, and enjoy your life.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:13am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:28pm)
Good advice but I understand OP how that is easier said than done.
My current partner and I have been together 4 years, very happy and are expecting our first child. But I don’t think we would have gotten this far if I had have let my negative thinking take over like it was beginning to in the first year or 2 of our relationship. When we got together really long story short it was basically he be with me or another girl and he chose me. But he had been with her previously for almost 3 years and it was hard for me to think that something wouldn’t happen again with them. Especially with all their history and the fact that she badly wanted him back. I couldn’t help but think about it, it was consuming me. I’d find myself bringing it up to him, despite reassurance he felt nothing for her now and knowing it upset him continually bringing it up. I would think about it, do a little facebook and computer stalking and I didn’t want to, this wasn’t me but I just couldn’t help it.
Eventually it nearly tore us apart. So I had to make such an active choice to let it all go. I deleted anything that was around with her on it from his past (things I used to look at to torture myself I don’t know why), got rid of a few mutual facebook friends and just did a little more each day to get it out of my mind. Sometimes I think about it now, but knowing how far we came and how close we were to falling apart keeps the thoughts away. I know it makes me sound jealous and nuts to admit I was this way, but like you, being hurt built up a wall around me and I found myself looking for trouble because I was so sure I could find it. It’ll take will power but like anything that can consume you, you can give it up.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:38pm)
OP Its called THERAPY darling and you need it really Bad…
See your doc for a referal to a good psychologist/therapist and start clearing out that ‘I’ll be crapped on’ baggage right now....
= one Super Dooper effective cure for all of your angst. xx
You really need to let it go, sometimes when you obsess like you do, you actually create the nightmare for yourself. Imagine being hounded all the time about possibly cheating, day in and day out, eventually it becomes a burden on the other person and if they are vindictive enough and when things go wrong they will simply do it, just to get back at you.
You need to put yourself into their shoes, this is normally the best avenue and seek professional assistance if it’s such an issue. You really do reap what you sow sometimes.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:14am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:42pm)
I’ve never actually told him about my thoughts, specifically because he’s never given me any real reason to suspect it. I’m not the kind of person to put my shit on another person when at this point in time it’s really just me having a hard time trusting that someone who wants to be with me is able to be faithful.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:22pm)
I mean that is good that you don’t burden him, but even so, by you having these suspicions it will almost certainly manifest in something else. I suspect he probably knows already, but for any relationship to be solid, trust is a “core” ingredient, its a must.
You could try and speak to your partner about your fears, this can be very beneficial as it opens the communication between you both, or seek assistance to overcome your fears. Sometimes your fears can be justifiable ie he flirts, etc
But honestly, there could even be an underlying issue that you have not addressed such as your parents breaking up. I know from myself it had and still has a profound impact on my life and the way I view things. Only be tackling my fears did I work through it, and now im happily married with kids.
I wish you the best of luck, but I think you can easily overcome it, if you put the effort in.
Make it clear that if he cheats, you leave. Then let it go. You can’t do more than that without looking like an insane person and ruining a perfectly good relationship.
This is one of those things you have no control over so there is no point stressing about it. Why obsess about something you can do nothing about?
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:18am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:20am)
How can you know he wont cheat ?
Simple!
Stand behind hime
put your left hand in his left pocket,
put your right hand in his right pocket
now keep them there 24/7
I he will find it pretty hard to cheat....
untill he takes off his pants
one sure fire way to be 100% sure he wont Cheat (on you)
is to break up with him
Wed 17 Nov 10 (11:35am)
Boggled,
‘Make it clear that if he cheats, you leave.’
hahahahahahahah
Yeah, that’ll work.
I’m confused - girlfriends, boyfriends........anyway, Bossy is right - you are focussed on something that might happen, and the more you believe it, the more suspicious you will become, and eventually drive whoever you are with away - probably to someone else who isn’t so obsessive.. Self fulfilling prophecy, I think they call it...........
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:20am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:49am)
what she said…
You sound very much like me. I always have something my mind wanders back to. It’s extremely difficult to get the main topic of your head. It also managed to help me destroy 2 relationships as I always thought the worst and figured they’d cheat so I left one, and drove the other away by paranoia.
I was avoiding relationships altogether when I met my current partner who wouldn’t let me be single! So i’ve had to do some tough work as I knew how easily I could screw things up. I started listening to tapes about the power of positive thinking which is what Bossy is telling you about, trying to drown out my inner voice.
The only thing I’ve found that works is discovering something else that interests you that takes over your thinking so completely you have no time to let those thoughts enter your head.
For me its been money, it’s a lot less stressful to think about and plan than cheating or relationships for me as I tend towards the negative thoughts for the latter. With money everything’s looking great so I’m happy. If things aren’t as great, well then I can plan which I enjoy and try to find ways to make cuts.
There is no way to plan or organse a man not cheating. It either will or it wont depending on him, just be the best girlfriend you can be.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:30am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:46pm)
I try my best to be distracted with other things; radio, music, reading, most recently planning a holiday to Thailand… it’s not all the time that my mind goes to this, but every so often it does and it really sucks.
Thanks for the advice =]
OP, let me explain something to you - your bloke sounds like a genuine lad. He might be a “bit of a d!ckhead” from time to time, probably because he’s young, he’s male, and he doesn’t really get all this worry you seem to have.
He’s told you as straight up as he can that he’d never intentionally do anything, but that he’s human and he might make a mistake.
If you want more than that out of him, you’re an idiot and you don’t deserve him anyway.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:35am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:48pm)
Thanks for possibly the most sound-minded and logical advice so far =]
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:40pm)
Christ, I must be losing my touch…
Go out with a scarecrow, birds don’t flock around scarecrows so no cheating there, and they are stuck in the ground so they can’t stray.
Sincerely,
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:35am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (11:43am)
+1
What struck me most about your letter is that you are looking to others to define trust for you.
The thing is, if you trust in yourself, then no matter what happens you will survive and thrive. Yes, you’ll experience pain and rejection, but in the end you will have joy and a love of life in your heart. Right now, you have doubt and fear.
You’ve been hurt, but that doesn’t mean you cannot trust again. What is means is you need to heal inside. You need to see that you’re okay. You need to try not to take their betrayal personally, but realise that they were somehow deficient in their character that they could not be honest with you. That they were too weak, too scared, too cowardly to simply speak up and say “We’re not working, its over”. They just couldn’t be honest. I don’t know why, but they clearly just couldn’t do it. Its a sad thing but something to learn from. Honesty is the best policy. And generally, people who are secure in themselves are honest and unafraid of the consequences of that honesty.
I think Bossy is right in saying that if you expect it to happen, it will happen. You will cling so much to your partner that they will seek freedom elsewhere. In saying that, I go back to my original point. You need to heal inside. When you heal yourself, you won’t be insecure and needy, you will be confident. You will be able to say “I don’t know what you will do, if we will work out, what tomorrow will bring. But I know that I’m going to be ok, because I’m okay. I’m an okay person worthy of love and respect. And if someone doesn’t treat me with love and respect, then they are not worthy of me”.
You are worthy of love and respect. But you cannot continue to look to others to make you feel loved and respected. You need to love and respect yourself, even when others have not. Then it won’t matter if your partner cheats on you, ass**** didn’t deserve you anyway then, right?
I leave you with a poem I like. I’m an optimist and this poem has suited my feelings on life since I was a teenager.
Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way
Doubt sees the darkest night
Faith sees the day
Doubt dreads to take a step
Faith soars on high
Doubt questions who believes?
Faith replies, I.
Cheers.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (08:55am)
OP,
Let me put this too you with great accuracy…
long term boyfriend = cheating
I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, because he won’t tell you when he’s done it, and, given you’ve been out for two years, there’s a chance he’s already cheated.
It takes a good woman to keep a man faithful.
Most men I know, including me, have never met one.
Oh, and you shouldn’t worry about the reasons for cheating. Usually it has nothing to do with you, or things you’re not doing.
Men cheat because they can, which makes it even harder for good women to keep their men faithful.
Now, before all the chicks in love and men with thumbprints crucify me, please, only people who have NEVER cheated are allowed to respond…
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:05am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:04pm)
I disagree with you Mike,
It is a statistical law that the female will cheat before the male.
Unless you are Brad Pitt, males have to actively look to cheat and have to make the conscious decision to go in that direction.
Females however are constantly hounded by their male counterparts for sex and have a high exposure to the potential to cheat then males. If we look at this in more detail, we will learn that a female will give into these temptations in the following situations: - Lonely, sad, drunk, hurt, insecure, afraid, horny, angry, vengeful, jealous to name a few.
Looking at this situation there is only one emotion you want your girlfriend to have when going out on the town and that is happy.
To sum it all up girls are insecure nutcases that have a greater opportunity/ exposure to cheat with an unstable emotional personality to enable them to do so on a whim. Whilst for a guy it is usually planned and calculated and can often always be prevented by doing your job as a good girlfriend.
BRING IT NAYSAYERS!
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:23pm)
OK I have never cheated so I am allowed to comment…
IM is pretty much on the money, at least with respect to blokes. Dicks don’t have a conscience and a lot of blokes are easily led by their dick. Dicks also don’t need a reason to want to get laid, they are driven by hormones not neurons most of the time. This is why chicks don’t get us, they have to want to be turned on, where it just happens for us almost regardless.
I think IM is being a little harsh on the quantity of good women out there and also on the number of blokes that will allow their dick to have complete control over their actions.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:54pm)
Okay.
Girls are emotionally charged beings compared to us blokes. Accusing them of unfaithfulness because they feel emotion in different ways to us men is comparable to saying we’re better because we have bigger muscles. Both may be true, but are utterly irrelevant to the analogy you’re tyring to draw.
Women and men do dumb things when they’re drunk, or emotional, or vulnerable, because their perspective has been lost. Your perspective, meanwhile, is tragically skewed (I thankyou) by the realisation that women just don’t like WOW, and those that do have been in love with their Xander Harris replacement guy since they were 12.
Simply put mate, if you’re as big a douche as you seem (A girlfriend’s JOB?! You idiot), you’ve already missed the train, because the women who might have loved you were probably long gone before your nuts dropped far enough for you to realise they were even there.
If you believe in reincarnation, better luck next life. Otherwise, sucks to be you.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (02:05pm)
Illusive man -
Never mind your advice, don’t you have bigger and more important things to do, like saving humanity?
It doesn’t do the Cerberus cause any justice to have you moonlighting on this blog, when there’s a galaxy fraught with evil out there..
And OP, if I went into every take away or sandwich shop thinking “Will I get salmonella or e. coli from eating this burger/kebab/roll etc” I’d be one skinny mo fo, which I ain’t. The satisfaction is worth the risk.. let’s have a little hope for your fella, hey?
You don’t know if he’ll cheat. None of us know what another person is capable of. Relationships, friendships, collegues - our dealings with them have to be entered with a certain amount of faith.
If you constantly seek reassurance that he won’t cheat on you, that will get old very quickly. He might start thinking “Well, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
Relationships are hard. That’s because nothing worth having in this life comes easy. I suggest you remember the fact that if the worse was to happen, you have survived it once and will again. Otherwise, if in 2 years, all is still dandy - consider yourself lucky.
Good luck.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:06am)
OP, I’m pretty similar. I’ve been cheated on twice in the past and I’m incredibly paranoid about it happening again.
The thing to remember is that whether you’re constantly on the lookout for signs of cheating or blissfully naive, you can’t stop it from happening. With my first serious boyfriend, I was obsessed by the thought that he’d cheat. I’m talking crazy paranoid. And he still did it, and I still didn’t find out about it until later. Having my suspicions about his behaviour didn’t make it any less painful when I eventually found out.
If your boyfriend wants to cheat, he will - whether you constantly worry about it or not. If he does, break up with him, write him off as a grade-A douche and move on.
Personally the line about him possibly cheating if he’s sufficiently ‘off his face’ would piss me right off and I’d be asking questions about his ability to stay faithful, but it could just be a dumb comment made in the moment without much thought behind it.
It is incredibly hard to try to get over these thoughts - I’ve been trying to do it for years and I’m still not great at it - but it’s worth trying.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:18am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (11:40am)
Kate,
If your boyfriend doesn’t want to cheat, he will, too.
The pain you’re describing is the reason why I’ve never confessed to cheating on anyone.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:29pm)
Thats exactly right, if he is going to cheat he will, regardless of it being feared or not.
Its hard though, for me (yeeeeears ago) it was like sitting there waiting for the day to happen sometimes, it was awful to feel that way.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:51pm)
Thanks for the advice. He hasn’t actually shown any signs that something might be going on, but I haven’t burdened him with my thoughts that at this point really just seem to be in my head…
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:42pm)
Ironmike - If my boyfriend cheats, I’m taking a sledgehammer to his Xbox. I sometimes suspect he loves that thing more than he loves me so it’s a genuine threat.
Op, unless the cheating does actually occur, you have nothing here to worry about. You’re sounding desperately obsessive and need to let it go. I used to have a huge issue with trust after my divorce, but if you don’t learn how to trust properly you’ll never be comfortable in a relationship.
Best of luck,
Al.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:23am)
I really really really want a cheeseburger right now, and no matter how hard i focus on it, its just not happening..
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:41am)
I really really really want a cheeseburger right now, and no matter how hard i focus on it, its just not happening..
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:41am)
OP,
I really feel for you, honestly I do…
I used to have a complex like this about boyfriends when I was younger… Because yes, I’ve been cheated on before… And yes, it’s AWFUL. It left me with alot of self-esteem issues.
You can’t let fear become your whole life, it will consume you, ruin your relationships and leave you a broken shadow of your former self.
Believe only in what you see with your own two eyes. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s as Bossy said; Hold onto what’s infront of you right now…
Exete pisti kai sas euxomai kali tuxi…
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:45am)
OP, think about what you wrote:
(1) “He has said that he would never intentionally do it, but that the only time he could see himself doing it is if he were so “off his face” that he didn’t realise what was happening.”
(2) “He’s always reassured me that he wouldn’t cheat and has given me no reason or inkling that he might be, but I just can’t stop my wandering thoughts.”
So you think the “off his face” comment was not a reason or inkling??
That jumped off the page at me. It’s a very immature remark, and would certainly be of concern to me. After all, he has typically broken up with girls after two months because of boredom. He can be a big of a “dickhead” at times. You have gained some comfort because he’s not going on benders anymore. Say what?!
Here is the question: are you worried about him cheating because of everything in your past, or are you worried because your intuition is telling you that your boyfriend is not as “in” the relationship as you are? In my experience, every time I have got that dreaded feeling all is not right, it has invariably been accurate. This is not to say that is what is happening to you - after all, I don’t have the complete picture - but there were a few elements in your letter which raised red flags.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:51am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (11:52am)
That comment is a HUGE flag....he is basically admitting he would cheat, and has already got an excuse pre-prepared.
I’m surprised that it has not even registered on most people’s radar!!
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:56pm)
His “only possible” scenario was discussed pretty early on in our relationship. He knows and understands my trust issues (not specifically with him but in general) and in that sense I trust that he would never intentionally hurt me. We’ve been through what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour with others and his getting “bored” of previous gfs is moreso him having very little patience for girly girls and going out with them based on looks and not the whole package.
I really do think that my thoughts are based on my previous relationships… moreso that I WANT to trust him, but don’t feel as though I should after doing so with others and being let down.
Listen to Bossy…
Only a couple of years ago, all I thought about was the chocolate powered space rocket that I needed to acheive orbit and fulfill my lifelong fantasy of seeing the earth from the upper stratosphere.
The more I thought about it, the faster it was built, in my backyard, by the faeries and pixies that also live in the garden of my mind.
So Bossy is 100% right on that one, because sorry, you are definitely going to THINK infidelity into your life *sigh*.
That being siad, there is nothing left to do but to “think” about crazyily about an escape sequence from Mission IMpossible, and lo and behold that is also going to happen too…
Sorry Bossy, but *slap*. Anyone who puts “The Secret” in inverted commas in a non-derogatory way needs a slap (though in your case it is a gentle slap with some kind of feathered riding crop - bwahahahaha)
OP: *slap, slap*. One slap for trying to know the future (only Chuck Norris knows the future, and it is scared of him), and another slap for letting your neurotic, unreasonable thoughts get the better of you.
Just keep putting out and he will keep coming back - Law 1 of physical attraction to those that love you.
final *slap* - just for kicks and I’m sure that there is someone out there who needs one.
Wed 17 Nov 10 (09:59am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (12:59pm)
Bahahaha! Sound, yet well hidden amongst completely unrelated information, advice.
Also, cudos for finding a way to work Chuck Norris into a comment =]
Op, working yourself into a lather really is not doing you any favors.
As bossy has mentioned- what you think about, you bring about!
It is not all about manifistation...what many people don’t seem to realise is that the common factor leading up to a sad, heart breaking situation that seems to occur over and over in their life is- THEIR OWN BEHAVIOUR.
You’re insecurity, over thinking, fear and doubt have been carried through life and contributed to these situations.
Being around someone who is not happy or comfortable in their own skin is not fun, and after a while quite suffocating- no matter how lovely you are, how many nice things you do or how much your boyfriend cares for you...Living like that is EXHAUSTING.
I hope you can come to realize that obsessing over what your boyfriend ‘MIGHT’ do is completely futile.
The only thing you have control over in your life is how you think, feel and act.
In order to resolve this ‘Issue’ in your relationship...Resolve yourself! This painful experience WILL happen over and over until you STOP giving away your joy and power by focusing all of you energy on living in a state of constant fear.
Be kind to yourself OP, ask yourself what you can do to make yourself feel more aware, stable, secure and happy and STOP looking for outside sources/people to guard your happiness.
The world simply does not work that way.
As a side note...Please ask yourself WHY you do all of these ‘nice’ things for your boyfriend....It is great to be thoughtful towards your partner...but doing everything for him is another subtle way that you are saying :
“I have no confidence, I desperately need for you to approve of me, If I am nice to you and do everything for you then surely you must love me”
God Luck Op...time to do some soul searching
x
Wed 17 Nov 10 (10:00am)
Wed 17 Nov 10 (01:31pm)
Thanks for the advice =]
It can be hard to get out of those thought patterns sometimes, but I think with the collective optimism of MOST of the comments, I’ve got enough ammunition to get rid of that nagging paranoia in the back of my mind.
Oh, and all the nice things I do for him I do because I love him. Some things, like cooking, I do when I’m at his place because I love cooking and he hates it… so it works out for both of us. Others I do because I’m able to and want to help out. But every single thing I do for him he thanks me for (with him sometimes insisting that I don’t have to do a certain thing) and if I ever thought he stopped appreciating them then I wouldn’t do them anymore. BUT I don’t do everything for him. He’s a big boy and doesn’t need me to mother him hah
Yadda yadda yadda...I’m really tired today…
Wed 17 Nov 10 (10:01am)