Kate de Brito
Friday, October 29, 2010 at 08:15am
Dear Bossy: I have been very close friends with a guy for almost 3 years and we regularly spend lots of time together.
The only problem is that he is gay. Sometimes I stay over at his house and we fool around. We have not had actual intercourse, because he just won’t go there, however we’ve done pretty much everything else and we sleep in the same bed each time I stay over at his house. We go out to dinner & movies together, we go shopping, we kiss and cuddle and we tell each other almost everything.
I am deeply in love with him and spend my whole life wishing that he was not gay. I have asked him on numerous occasions if he is bi, because of the way he fools around with me, but he says he isn’t. He says that the reason he fools around with me is because we are friends, he feels I need affection and so does he- neither of us are in a relationship. However, he says that he feels nothing sexually for me- in spite of the things we do. I am the only female he has ever had any sexual experience with, even though he is 55 years old. Previously, he was religious and he spent his whole life up until the age of 43 trying to be good until he couldn’t stand it any longer, met a man (whom he was with for 3 years) and left the church.
He has this guy overseas whom he met via the internet. He claims to be in love with this man, despite never having met him and despite this man constantly asking him for money!! I have told him so many times that this man overseas is just using him for money, but he won’t listen to me (or to any of his other friends). It’s so frustrating- I wish he loved me the way he seems to love this guy and I wish he’d say to me the things he says to him. We were once in a restaurant and the Toni Braxton song “You Mean The World To Me” was played whilst we were eating. Now every time I hear that song, I think of him.
I once brought up the subject of us getting married. I told him that I could even live with him being bisexual, going to gay bars, etc, if he felt the need (as long as he always practiced safe sex), but he told me it wouldn’t be fair to me, he is repulsed at the thought of sex with a woman, he doesn’t want children and that he’d feel as though he were living a lie again- just like when he used to attend church. He wants to go on hormones to become a woman and I would even be willing to be in a relationship with him if he did that- it’s him as a person I love, I’m not just after him for physical appearance.
I have become really depressed about this. People tell me to find someone else, but I don’t want some other guy- I only want him.
B
Bossy says: Toni Braxton? I had to check that song out on YouTube so I could get myself into your head-space, complete with a soundtrack to your fantasy. Are you also wearing those big jeans when you think about you and him together?
Sadly you and your good buddy and not going to end up sailing away together or singing songs around a big ol’ grand piano. Most likely you are going to watch him throw himself at some bloke on the other side of the world until he loses wither his heart and his wallet. Or both.
As for your friend, he doesn’t sound like such a good friend after all. It should be clear to him you are desperately hung up and your little sexual adventures are more upsetting than satisfying in the long run.
At the same time your persistence is amazing. I mean how many ways can this man tell you he’s gay? Not bi, he says. Not interested in chicks. He is “repulsed” by the thought of sex with a woman. Do you think this is a joke?
You are living in a fantasy world with Toni Braxton belting it out in the background. It’s not healthy. I know she’s won Grammys...but you have to draw the line somewhere.
As to your friend that’s not healthy either. Your obsession is stopping you from having a real relationship. So snap out of it. He’s a friend, not a boyfriend. A wonderful dear, close friend. But that’s all. Say no more to the canoodling sessions. Tell him it makes it harder for you rather than salving your loneliness.
Finding a new soundtrack might help. I’m thinking Foreigners I Want to Know What Love Is, followed by It’s Raining Men. That would make you both feel better.
Network Highlights:
65 Comments
You trying to marry him is going to be about as successful as you standing in a stream trying to push water back up the stream.
It’s time to stop the fooling around. For him it’s just casual fun, for you it’s part of a bigger picture of what you want out of life. And because that’s not going to happen, you have to stop it.
You won’t find someone new and possibly better for you until you have some distance, so focus on that. If he’s a real friend you’ll both get through this time in your life.
Get to it.
Sincerely
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:22am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (10:40am)
Sorry OP, but this is pretty funny. You’ve latched on to the ultimate can’t have it and would consider anything to only have him/her for yourself.
It’s not healthy, and I think your friendship isn’t healthy either. He may be a great friend but does he realize what he is doing to you.
Wow, how much more self destructive do you want to be? I suggest you stop going over to his place, at the very least stop sharing his bed! If you must see him as a friend do so in public where you don’t run the risk of getting intimate with him.
Finally, start looking elsewhere for affection,even if you have to jump on RSVP, find someone who ISN’T gay so you may at least have a chance at a relationship!
For now: Head up to your local Blockbuster and rent out ‘He’s just not that into you’, seriously.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:27am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:40am)
Agree. There is not way this will end well.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:29pm)
And this, men, is further proof of how little hope many a woman needs to hold on when there is sexual activity involved. Remember it well.
Never has a truer word been said. You are holding yourself out for a what if, and most likely passing up other opportunities of prospective partners.
Seriously I would honestly tell you to move on, hang out with him less and get out with your friends and it’s highly likely you’ll meet someone anyway. The guy obviously is never be 100% into you, so why hold out for a what if?
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:29am)
B, the man’s gay. Believe me, I have many gay men friends, it’s not a passing fancy.
As for a theme song, I would like to suggest “Total Eclipse of the Heart” check out the video on You Tube, if you thought you were confused when you wrote this letter, it’s nothing on watching that clip.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:30am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:48pm)
*Like*
OP my suggestion is that you see your GP and get a referral to a good psychologist. You sound lonely and desperate: counselling will help that, your gay friend isnt helping at all.
You need to let go of this illusion you have of him, seriously. I feel for you, I’ve experienced unrequited love, but its never gonna happen. Let it go.
He’s just not that in to you.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:34am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (02:12pm)
Ok, i think this has got to be something deeper, my guess is Daddy issues, with a bit of emotional connection issues.
You are trying to force a relationship on this man. Your desperate feelings and pain aside, you’ve basically decided you want to conk him on the head and drag him back to your cave. Apparently, he’s the perfect man for you - if *only* he weren’t gay! Well, pressuring him about the fact is clearly going to fix that little ‘problem’.
I can’t believe you think the problem is HE’S GAY.
HE hasn’t got a problem. YOU, on the other hand, need to take some responsibility for yourself and your feelings. He is not obliged to return your feelings, no matter how strong they might be. HE has every right to turn you down, and he’s done so repeatedly. Do you think that perhaps he fools around with you because you pressure him? Because sometimes he feels lonely and is flattered by your obsessive attention? Because a warm body is better than no body? THESE are NOT great reasons upon which to build any relationship. They are in fact reasons for which you should both be bolting far far away from each other romantically.
Here’s the stitch: YOUR feelings, YOUR problem. Clearly, YOUR feelings are NOT reciprocated.
SO MOVE ON.
Its really that simple. Give up the fantasy. Its not going to happen. Get out and find someone else. There’s RSVP, there’s a pub down the road I’m sure, there’s dancing clubs (join up to Salsa or something, there are so many single older males there, I kid you not), there’s libraries, there’s HEAPS of places you can go to meet someone. So get a makeover, put on a nice dress and get yourself out there. EVERY SECOND you waste with this gay guy is a missed opportunity to find (a straight) someone WHO WILL PURSUE YOU.
Don’t you think you deserve that just a little bit?
Good luck with it. SarahR.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:39am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:18pm)
Are you dating CTT????
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:37pm)
What she said.
I can bet you initiate most of the sex, too. Ultimately he is a man. He can hold down his repulsion until he comes but he does not want you.
OP its really simple, think of him as a her. To all intents and purposes, he is female.
Now, would you get surgery to change yourself into a man?
That is about the only way you are ever going to get any interest from this bloke.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:49am)
The answer here is to grow some balls. And I mean that both literally and metaphorically.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:49am)
While I don’t think he’s bi, I think he’s an insensitive jerk, whether he means to be or not.
He’s playing with your emotions and is getting his frustrations out with you. He’s doing it while knowing that he can never have a romantic relationship with you and that he will always have the free pass of “Well, I’m gay”
I’m of the school of thought that no matter how much you love the opposite, or same sex, there’s always the possibility of an exception to the rule. Do you understand OP? You’re exceptional....but the rule still stands. He loves men, so do you.
Him fooling around with you to the point where you’re doing everything BUT sex is more than a little strange. All of my gay friends think vagina’s are ‘icky’ and certainly don’t want to put their faces near them.
Distance yourself from him at least for a while. He can’t offer you what you want, unless you like unrequited love....In which case. Score.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (08:50am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:22pm)
Actually, I don’t think the guy is insensitive at all. I think he’s a full-blown sadist who gets his rocks off torturing the OP. He knows full well she’s obsessed with him, so what does he do? He amps up the pressure, lets her get so close, then snatches away the prize. And enjoys her pain.
The OP has problems, but not so big as her “friend” does. She should run, not walk, to get away from him.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (01:08pm)
At no time has he ever put his face anywhere near my vagina. Yes, oral sex has taken place but from me to him, not the other way around.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (01:16pm)
Jeez, tone it down my lovely.
Just because you have actively decided to be a bitch in life and blame males for everything, doesn’t mean she has to.
Give her credit. Y’all burnt your bras for equality, and y’all go on about how you have independant thought. She has a brain and can actively decide for herself the thing she is doing is destructive for her without you going and showing your blatent sexism.
Pity bossy agreed with you *scratches head*. Wonder if genders were reversed you’d think the same eh?
Insensitve jerk...second that
Kate de Brito
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:04pm)
Screw what everyone else says, you can turn the gay man who after 43 is just breaking out of repression straight, your obviously just not trying hard enough! If this sounds retarded that’s because it is. Go and find some hetero tool to fill your needs.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:05am)
I weep for society today.
You are being very, very, very foolish. I hope that you are still young, because your letter displays a staggering amount of naivety.
Your “relationship” with this man is a sham. He is only a pseudo-swain. He is what he is, and as such, he cannot offer you marriage, and children, and genuine love, and he has told you this on several occasions. You are actually disrespecting him, and yourself, by not accepting what he is telling you.
Which raises the question - why on earth do you want to be with a man who does not love you? Frankly, I could not think of anything sadder! Do you value yourself so little that you are willing to share your husband with other men? Don’t you think you deserve a faithful husband who truly loves you as a woman? If not, why? These are questions you ought to be asking yourself.
In the meantime, I urge you to stop partaking in this sham courtship. The best way to do this is probably to sever all contact with this man for awhile. If you are meant to be friends, you will find your way back to a pleasant, platonic friendship.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:11am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (01:00pm)
If you consider 31 “still young”, then yes- I suppose I am.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (01:53pm)
Then ferfucksake grow a brain and get outta there before you wake up one day and find you’re a 55-year-old screw-up too!
CUT BACK ON THE BLOWJOBS
No Seriously,
A 55year old guy, im sorry i have nothing to offer that age group, theres no way in hell you have no idea what your doing. Any advice i can give you i hope to god you were capable of discovering yourself when you were a teenager.
Just because hes found a warm/wet spot to unleash his beast doesnt mean your the “Chosen One”.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:12am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:20pm)
Scrolling through a forum and seeing an effective use of CAPS always makes my day.
CHEERS for that.
Sincerely.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (12:21pm)
I agree Brog, OP you are giving him a free, no strings attached release!! Gay or not, blokes still love release, hehe, and ffs, his fag hag gives it to him, whenever he wants by the sounds of it…
I want to know what type of restaurant was playing Toni Braxton, so I can avoid it!
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:14am)
Fri 29 Oct 10 (01:04pm)
It was a restaurant in Darlinghurst. Yes, please stay away- it’s a predominantly gay restaurant & they don’t really want an invasion of breeders.
Why do you value yourself so little if you’re willing to have a sexless, open relationship with a man who has professed to be gay?
Who hurt you? Who belittled you? Who told you this was an acceptable option? Who ruined your view of relationships?
Whoever it was, let them go. They’re a f*cktard. Tell your gay mate thanks for the canoodle, but you’re off to find a PROPER relationship, with someone who will be committed to you, and you to them.
Don’t kid yourself that you’re some open minded person who loves someone for their personality. That’s not what this is. You’re obviously terrified of a real relationship, so you need to have this weird, supposedly safe arrangement. You need to identify why you’re so afraid of a proper heterosexual monogamous relationship, which starts with you moving him to a hands-off friend only.
Good luck.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:14am)
He is gay. Are you stupid enough to think you can change that? Stop fooling around with him and find a guy who likes girls. Duh.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:17am)
You can’t just swtich love off, but I think this might be a case of “fake it till you make it”.
You can stay friends with him, but if the extra-cirricular activities are creating confusion for you, you ought to stop them.
If you behave as friends and try to open your mind to finding love elsewhere, you just might find your friendship is strengthened and you’ll both be in a better headspace where each of you can find love. With other people.
Good luck.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:22am)
Don’t listen to the nay-sayers @B, they just don’t understand the power of true love.
Keep at it girlfriend, remember that no-one loves a quitter and that being gay is a choice. If you just stick at it one day he’s bound to realize that it’s you he truly loves and will choose your loyal, patient, understanding, long-suffering, eagerly waiting vajayjay over some scam artists virtual man-tackle.
Remember, 50 is the new 40, and 40 is the new 30, so he’s practically only 30 - it’s not too late!
In the meantime, I suggest a combination of 1: investing in a false beard and a strap-on dildo, 2: always speaking in a deep gruff voice and never shaving, waxing and/or showering, and 3: pretending to be a perpetually-impoverished male from overseas - I hear Nigeria is nice this time of year - and constantly hitting him up for money. Save the funds he sends you and one day when you reveal what you did for love he’ll be so grateful that you can both go on a nice long romantic holiday.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:22am)
Why is he fooling around with you if he’s gay? Sounds like shenanigans to me.
I think he’s actually using you because he’s not getting any anywhere else, and if he shuts his eyes and imagines…
In any case he sounds like a bad friend and I’d cut him off.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:36am)
Hahahaha, I love Fridays, the fruitcake is really well cooked today. So, to go along with just how nutty this is, I would suggest constantly giving him head and let him take you in the arse so he can maintain his gay feeling ...
Seriously, get out of this faux-relationship and find someone who will love you and yourself in return. Nothing good will come from trying to stay with this guy.
Best of luck,
Al.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:40am)
Jeez, gold ones for a Friday Bossy.
How many times have we heard this. I love them, they don’t love me.
Guess what darling. That’s life. Move on.
Heck, I’m in love with Angelina Jolie - but it ain’t gonna happen. I’ve had crushes on many a single girls in my time with no feelings returned.
To me it just sounds like you want companionship as easy as it can be. Get out there and find it, because your getting nowhere pining over a gay man.
Fri 29 Oct 10 (09:46am)