Kate de Brito
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 at 08:22am
Dear Bossy: I have had what I suppose are gender and sexuality issues for my entire life and I thought I would throw myself to you and your wolf pack and see what insights I might get into how to deal with them.
Although I am male some of my very earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl; I have always preferred female company; I have experimented with expressing my feminine side using subtle cross-dressing etc; and I am a heterosexual woman in my most enduring fantasies, whether sexual or otherwise. If a man is involved he is sometimes real and I don’t want to have sex with him yet in bed at night he takes over my brain. Don’t get me wrong, I fantasise about women too and all of my sexual encounters have been heterosexual, I just have this bizarre lifelong wish I could have been born female.
I also have a history of depression and other issues. I attempted suicide when I was nine and again when I was older, I was sexually abused and raped when I was 12, I spent some years cutting myself with blades, I have had anorexia, I stabbed myself when I was 18, poisoned myself in my early twenties and subsequently spent some time in involuntary commitment to a psychiatric hospital, I experimented with drugs etc, I was estranged from my family at a fairly early age...and so forth.
Despite all of this I have slowly assembled a nice life, a happy stable loving relationship, beautiful children who are the focus of my life, qualifications, career etc. I am however frustrated by my wife’s loss of libido – we have had sex about twice a year for the last few years. She says she wishes she wanted to have sex more but she doesn’t and obviously I have to accept that if I want to stay with her. I did however recently explore some internet dating sites; I’m not particularly proud of the fact and I don’t know if I would act on any opportunities that came up but it slightly relieves the pain of all that lost intimacy to feel like you might experience it again.
What worries me is that having all this other weird stuff going on in my head means I have a propensity to occasionally act in stupid ways. For example, on one site I impersonated a woman. It happened somewhat by accident - I thought I would see how other guys behave and get some ideas about how to get women to talk to me. I posed as an average married 38yo woman and was contacted by all sorts of men, then essentially got sucked in. We had lots of great email discussions about relationships and life in general. Beyond the obvious lie about my sex and appearance I didn’t really need to do anything other than be myself, do a bit of gentle flirting and have some fun (no cyber sex or anything remotely approaching it). If I were really a woman there are a couple of guys I would love to meet but obviously that is impossible. It was strange and addictive and eventually it all got a bit too confusing and I extracted myself from the site.
I have never talked about any of this to anybody before, even when I was being treated for depression etc, and I don’t know if I ever could, but I would like to make some sense of myself and decide how to cope with it so that it doesn’t corrode the rest of my life. Even a label would be a relief but I don’t feel gay, I don’t feel transgender, I guess I’m not straight. So my question is what am I and how do I deal with it? To what extent am I normal and to what extent just a freak behaving badly? And what is the best way for a freak behaving badly to short-circuit those behaviours?
Thanks for any insights you and your more thoughtful readers can provide and I apologise for my anonymity, I am really not ready to deal with this issue in public. I understand if you think it is inappropriate for your blog.
Bossy says: It’s not really a matter of just stopping or short circuiting these desires. Rather than trying to suppress them you are probably better off finding a safe place for these feelings to reside.
Right now you don’t really understand what is going on with you. You know you have certain desires but you don’t know what they mean. And that means you don’t have a safe or comfortable way of viewing yourself.
That might be OK. Many people don’t really “know” themselves completely. But in your case it is leading to risky, experimental behaviour.
I understand why you say a label might be some sort of relief. Labels can help people understand what they are going through. But the flip side is they can also be constraining and for some people a prison of their own, especially in terms of the way others view them.
What strikes me about your story is you have been through serious trauma in the past and you may not have been able to find a way to deal with this trauma. I’m not saying the fantasies of being a woman are linked to your rape, but there have been some low emotional points in your life and it would be interesting to understand how these might be expressing themselves in your life right now.
Ignoring these desires may not solve the problem. It may mean that you actually you have less control over them than if you deal with them more directly. You escaped that online dating incident without real damage but what if it happens again? What if your partner finds out? And even if she doesn’t I am certain you don’t want to continue with behaviour you know would hurt her.
My suggestion is pretty basic. I think it would help to talk to someone impartial. I think it would help for you to see a therapist. I am giving you a link to the The Gender Society. They have counsellors available to talk to people about issues like yours. If they cannot help they may be able to refer you to a counsellor who has experience in this area.
Try if you can not to look too far into the future to a time when you know “what” you are. Seeing a counsellor isn’t an admission of anything other than you want to find out more about yourself.
There may never come a day when you are proclaimed transsexual, a cross dresser, homosexual or bisexual. These labels may never fit. The most important thing is you gain some understanding of who you are so you are better able to protect yourself and your family from these kamikaze missions into the unknown.
Network Highlights:
64 Comments
Your one screwed up individual. If you want some serious advice, and I am being serious, have a massive cone. It will do more good than damage, especially if you are the type of person into stabbing yourself.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (08:53am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (11:49am)
self-medicating is a lousy idea
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:42pm)
You sir (potatoes), are an idiot. Do yourself and society a favour. Keep your mouth closed next time, it smells like a toilet in here now thanks to you.
OP - you’ve been through the mental health care system. Time to go through it again. If you’re looking for sympathy or professional advice on this situation, wrong place mate.
Your a case that needs professional help beyond bossy or any douches here can provide.
http://www.beyondblue.com.au
Time to get in touch with your GP/pyshc/therapist and start talking again.
Alternatively, if you’re not comfortable discussing it with professionals or douchebags. How about you try talking to your wife, it makes me wonder why you don’t tell her everything you’ve told Bossy and complete strangers. Unless you have. In which case there’s nothing for it but to hand her a strap-op and tell her to go for her life on you.
If you bring a kink into the bedroom of role reversal, it might get her going.
Good luck.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (04:15pm)
Potatoes, the word is YOU’RE not YOUR. Tsk tsk, bad grammar....shame on you
, and your advice is like offering alcohol to a recoving alcoholic.
OP, the important thing to remember is that you’re just you and you’re fine the way you are. Lots of people have fantasies that they can’t talk about to their nearest and dearest and lots of people don’t fit into categories. YOu’ve done amazing things overcoming your early life and have nothing to be worried or ashamed about.
Bossy’s advice is solid and you could benefit from seeing a counsellor.
I also don’t think you’ve done anything wrong by adopting a female persona online. Believe me LOTS of married people play games online. It’s keeping you a bit happier in a marriage that is lacking something and personally, I don’t see the harm. It’s understandable if you don’t want to deceive your wife, you may be able to join a support group to find the outlet that yuou need to express yourself.
All my best wishes.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (08:54am)
You know, at times of desperation I always try and convince myself that there is always worse. I commend you honestly for what you have suffered through and struggled with the correct your life.
I really think some added counseling would assist you, whilst you have overcome many aspects of your past, I think you may still have some underlying issues that only a counselor could assist you with. Struggling with your sexuality is not something I can really give you advice on, but Kate is usually very good at pointing you in the right direction.
As for the intimacy issue with the wife, well that happens to the best of us, but try and talk to her, tell it bugs you and you’ll most likely find she will want to do something about it. Leave the kids at the grandparents and invest sometime in each other. We often get caught up in the kids and the house and forget the most crucial aspect of any family, the two of you.
Try and go for nice dinners, get away if you can and get back some of that spark you found in each other when you first met. it has not disappeared but rather just fallen by the wayside amongst the duties of being a parent.
Mate I wish you the very best of luck.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (08:55am)
Everyone pretends on the internet. Once I met a fat chick who pretended to be skinny.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (08:59am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:06pm)
At least she had all her teeth…
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:44pm)
Really admiral motti, I once met a skiny chick of the net who pretended to be fat :( stupid interwebs!
Thu 28 Oct 10 (02:19pm)
I once met a chick on the net who actually ended up being a chick; I was shocked I tell you, SHOCKED!!
To what extent are you normal?
No one is normal. You just have questions about yourself that most people have answered (or so it would seem). Gender is a complex thing and more and more people are questioning whether what they’ve had assigned to them, is something that holds true for them.
I think you’ve already answered those questions about your own sexual identity, but you might not think those answers are socially acceptable. The fact that you worried about whether your question was appropriate to be printed tells me that you think other people will have a problem with your issue.
The only thing I would suggest, is to check out Dan Savage’s It Gets Better channel on Youtube. That’s not to say you’re gay, bi, transgender or any of those orientations.... But that you need to know that no matter what your difference from ‘the norm’ there is hope, help and sure as hell nothing deviant about you.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:08am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:45pm)
Agreed mistress, could any one please define “Normal”
Did you disclose your fantasies/tendencies to your wife before you married her?
I don’t know what the answer is. Therapy. That’s about it.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:09am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (03:54pm)
I know what the answer is. OP is starved of love and intimacy and as a result, he’s having trouble holding onto the veneer of the nice, normal life he has built as a survival mechanism to cope with his troubled past.
The answer is simple. Wifey needs to put out more.
hahah your a nutter, the kind of person little kids are taught to avoid in life.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:11am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (03:57pm)
And you, sir, are an arse… the kind of person I’ll be teaching my kids to avoid in life.
hahah your a nutter, the kind of person little kids are taught to avoid in life.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:11am)
I just want to support you. Take on board what Bossy said. She is spot on.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) from afar.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:11am)
Lafawnduh..? Tell me it’s not true !
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:29am)
Right now you have the potential to become an emotional wrecking ball because you don’t know yourself, yet all these other people - wife, kids - are in your orbit based on the understanding that you are what you say you are; a straight man, a father.
I agree you need counselling to work out who you are. I’m sure others are going through the same thing.
As for the (lack of sex) sex thing… well that’s a whole other topic! The two eternal relationship questions when it comes to men and women always seem to be -
1. Why do men cheat?
2. Why do women go off sex?
And they get asked over and over and over again.
Maybe some bloggers can share their thoughts on why women go off sex, and this may help you with that part of your question, OP…
?
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:31am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (11:55am)
There’s two schools of thought and I will be pretty brief so apologies if it sounds crude:
1 - Evolutionary Psychology
Men and Women only need to keep having sex long enough to have a child. For genetic diversity a woman will feel less like sex from the same partner after a couple of years. If she’s had a child its time to find a new father, if not its still time to move on to someone that as far as nature knows is not firing blanks.
You will find her sex drive would increase instantly if she got involved with a new man.
2 - The Man changes
The man over a period of time changes into someone more settled, responsible and boring. He is not the exciting man that she first met and fell in love with. Ironically some of his changes can often be due to pressure from her to settle down and be responsible.
Non-PC stuff, but I’d be interested in comments on this.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:00pm)
Apprently, new research says that women with lower sex drives may have different brains.
That study focussed more on women whom have always had low sex drive, rather than those whom suddenly lose it, but it’s very recent research and I’d be very surprised if there isn’t more research done in the future.
I’d be cautious of making any life changing decisions based on a single news report of a single study.
However, it does raise a the question that often comes up on this blog - if a spouse/partner/significant other DOES have a low libido and it’s a biological condition not a psychological one, that suggests that it might never be “fixable”. Any thoughts on that?
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:02pm)
1. Why do men cheat? Same reasons as women. Validation or they’re simply not able to be monogamous. Give it all the other reasons you want, monogamy isn’t natural.
2. Why do women go off sex?
Main reasoning I get from other women is feeling unattractive. But I also think it has a lot to do with diet, if you’re not getting enough energy/vitamens then your body will give the energy you do have to other things, before the sex drive.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:40pm)
Because to paraphrase Pat Benetar “sex is a weapon”.
Seriously though, the amount of wives that use denial of sex as a punishment for behaviour they disagree with in their partner is simply astounding.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:42pm)
There was a news article today that claims it is a physiological brain difference in low libido women.
I dont have this issue, but of those that i know that do, children is the major issue. Last thing you want after having kids clambering all over you all day, is having someone else want to touch you.
OtherwiseI would guess lack of time (if you only have 2 hours free a day you want to relax!), stress and everyday drudgery of life.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (01:10pm)
It’s because their guys are duds in the sack
Wed 27 Oct 10 (01:18pm)
I cant speak for the OP but in my case I went off sex because every time I wanted it (I had a high sex drive) my husband froze me out - wouldnt even give me a hug for fear I would expect more. Affection starvation is a horrible thing.
He had issues, I know, because he would only ever want it when I didnt (or ‘couldnt’). He didnt really want much even then. Sadly after 8yrs of rejection I reached a point where I didnt want it any more either, and strangely enough we divorced....
From your wifes perspective OP, are you ‘freezing her out’ emotionally because of your identity confusion?? Sounds like you might be. When a man withdraws emotionally from a relationship a woman may unwittingly know it and withdraw sexually, because she feels a bit threatened.
Definitely contact that counsellor. GOod luck
Wed 27 Oct 10 (02:39pm)
1. Any number of reasons..
2. Any number of reasons..
3. This is not EK’s blog, if you’re missing her and her boy vs girl BS too bad, quit hijacking someone with a real problem and go play boy vs girl somewhere else…
Wed 27 Oct 10 (02:42pm)
Semiotic...
You said: Seriously though, the amount of wives that use denial of sex as a punishment for behaviour they disagree with in their partner is simply astounding.
But I think there’s more to this point… this is often thrown around in articles or books - i.e. women withholding sex as ‘punishment’ but I actually don’t believe it’s that black and white.
I don’t believe most women withhold sex as punishment per se, but rather it’s that if an argument has taken place or there are unresolved resentments or hurts, it is much harder for women to be turned on mentally (and emotionally) and be keen to have that level of intimacy.
Emotionally, mentally and physically things generally need to be ‘in alignment’ and resolved for a woman to really want sex.
Men will probably read this and think “That sounds like a lot of work to get her into that state beforehand each and every time”, but it really IS quite simple…
Resolve hurts, frustrations and resentments verbally and emotionally, care about her needs and communicate properly in LIFE so that when you go to bed at NIGHT and there is no lingering animosity or hurt she will be MUCH more open, receptive and loving, and sex will be the natural ‘icing on the cake’ of an already-good relationship.
Men, mistakenly, often believe that problems can be solved through sex, and that the frustrations of the day/week/month/year simply don’t come into it. They do.
Talking things out with your significant other in small doses every day and having good communication comes with the gig if you want a good, regular sex life…
Wed 27 Oct 10 (03:57pm)
Shut Up Matt.
He said himself his wife had gone off sex, so it’s relevant.
Back in your box.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (05:59pm)
Turq,
whilst I agree with you in principle about the way women react etc its not really that simple.
Most guys have control of the planets in their immediate universe so yes we can bring them into alignment, however the women’s mother/boss/bestie/ex/kids/etc also have planets that are involved in this woman’s universe which the guy has essentially no control over. Now these other planets also influence the wellbeing of the woman and also perversely have an effect on the woman’s perceptions of the guy in question.
So in short, no matter how together your shit is the other people in the woman’s life will influence how she peceives the guys actions. For example I bought a lady flowers for her birthday one year and she was very happy. The next year i bought flowers as well but her mother was around and said “what has he done that he is sending flowers”.
Essentially the rules are constantly changing in this game so we can’t ever really win but occasionally we get lucky (or she feels guilty cause it hasn’t happened for so long).
I’m not really as bitter as this sounds, just been there done that.
If a guy’s shit was this messed up then we would be labelled a fruitcake!
Fri 29 Oct 10 (02:23am)
2) Women get turned on mentally. Men get turned on physically. It’s a quick-start for men to get turned on physically, it takes a fair while for women to get turned on mentally. I know for me, I’ll be constantly thinking of all the things I need to do instead of having sex. It’s difficult to “switch off” in an intimate situation, especially if I live with the fellow.
It’s different somewhat when dating, because when I’m doing that, my focus is on the dating and on the fellow. I had set aside time to be with him and therefore I had willingly given up on the other tasks that I need to do. I guess the cure for this in a marriage is for a) the husband to take over a number of the duties that the woman has and b) setting aside some time for “couple-only”. Not even necessarily sex, but it’s a way for the woman to wind down and focus on her husband rather than worrying about all the things that are going on elsewhere that she needs to do.
In my last relationship, I rarely had sex near the end of it for two reasons - 1) my partner was very selfish, never gave me anything in the relationship, and thought that just by squeezing my breasts I’d get turned on and 2) I was starting to grow resentful of him and how I would constantly have to mother him. I just used the excuse of grief over my father’s death to cover up the fact I wasn’t attracted to him, either physically or intimately, anymore.
Oh, and the thought, for some reason, that a passionate kiss or a long snuggle with a little petting HAS to lead to sex perplexes me entirely. In the courtship phase, making out for five minutes in the carpark wasn’t an automatic invitation to have sex. But being in a stable relationship, trying to capture that spark again seems to always make the fellow think that there’s going to be sex beyond the kiss. WHY DO MEN SEEM TO THINK THAT PHYSICAL INTIMACY WILL ALWAYS LEAD TO SEX? Yes, the man is getting turned on, but the woman very likely will not be and probably is just enjoying a moment of intimacy and closeness, and trying to channel that spark of excitement that happened at the beginning of the romance. .
It seems to ultimately come down to a level of expectation: men expect their women to put out a lot (especially in a stable relationship), women expect some level of romance and getting her intimacy needs met. Both sides seem to focus on what they are not getting rather than looking at what they aren’t giving, and thus a woman uses sex as a weapon and men go looking for sex elsewhere.
You are pretending to be a woman online!?!!?!?!
Let this be a lesson to other men out there. When you are fliting with women online, do it over a webcam chat. It makes it more difficult for weridos like the OP to pull the wool over your eyes.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:31am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:10pm)
Oh honey, you were washed to Earth out of a rainbow clous in the last shower, weren’t you. The men he was cybering with were all obese senior citizens with false teeth, halitosis and tiny penises. If not, they’d have been on their cams showing off their gym toned bods and humungous schlongs.
Thu 28 Oct 10 (10:33am)
Chunks - guys who have gym toned bods and big schlongs probably don’t need to cyber-cam.
Ruh roh…
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:43am)
I agree that seeing a therapist is definitely necessary. Even just so you have a place to discuss your desires so they aren’t constricted to in your head. I don’t necessarily think you are having these fantasies because of the horrible things that happened to you, but I think if you were able to greater deal with those issues from your past, you may have a clearer picture of what it is that you really genuinely feel. Right now you have a lot of things that could be clouding your thoughts. All of your past, everything you have been through and feelings you have always had, you may not have dealt with them fully internally. Speaking to a therapist may help you to deal with any repressed feelings that may be affecting how you view yourself and your sexuality.
But don’t put all the pressure in your marriage or blame on you. It is not fair for your wife to say “I don’t want to have sex, deal with it”. Many people would consider that a deal breaker. Sex is an important part of a relationship and should not be ignored. Your needs are an important part of a partnership and should not be ignored. If you said to your wife (for example) “I am a drug addict, but that’s who I am, if you want to be with me then deal with it” you would be seen as the one in the wrong who has to change. I understand withholding sex and being addicted to drugs are very different things, but I’m sure you get the point I am trying to make! Maybe you are not making a bigger deal of this because you feel like you are doing the wrong thing exploring your fantasies so you don’t want to be a hypercritic by pointing out your wife’s issues. But I think you are being too hard on yourself (so to speak!).
Maybe if your wife was satisfying you, you wouldn’t fantasise so much, or you’d at least have a clearer view of the reality and the fantasy. But she needs to work on this marriage to. You have children, you have a life together. Plenty of bisexual people make marriages work. I think like any marriage, straight, gay, bisexual, that if you are not being fulfilled sexually, it can be natural to start fantasising about other people, sexual situations, the unknown etc. If you and your wife are happy and in love and fulfilling each other’s needs then there may be no desire for you to stray. You may still have fantasies but so does everyone! Fantasies are healthy and not hurting anyone if they stay in your head and if you’re happy for them to just be there. But your wife needs to acknowledge that it’s not all about her and if she wants to keep you then she needs to accept you are a sexual person and meet you in the middle.
Don’t constrict yourself to a label, let you be who you are and get some therapy to help discuss and feel through any repressed issues.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:43am)
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:06pm)
I agree completely Kimmy.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (12:36pm)
Kimmy, I love whet you are saying and I wish more females thought the way you do (you are female aren’t you) but you definitely are not a married woman otherwise you wouldn’t be saying this.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (04:16pm)
Have you tried doing the vacuuming and the cooking Semiotic?
60% of the time, it works every time.
Thu 28 Oct 10 (10:53am)
Thanks Semiotic, for validating what I (as a married woman) consider abhorrent behaviour, and tarring us all with the same damn brush. I don’t believe in ‘withholding’ sex unless one of us is in physical pain or sick. It’s the only time I’ve said no and meant it - because I physically couldn’t. But I care about my partner and like to see him happy. I also know that, for most men, sex is what makes them feel loved, appreciated, attractive and wanted. I want him to feel like that, because he is. As a result, he reciprocates for me when I need it, gives me emotional support and says beautiful, flattering things to me because he knows that’s what makes ME feel loved, appreciated and attractive. It goes both ways, but I would have thought that if you give a rats arse about one another, you want to do things to make each other happy. What’s the point, otherwise?
Talk to a professional that way you can open up to your feelings and really find what’s within, only then can you get to know yourself.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (09:43am)
Please don’t lose heart. You are normal, with a good heart (which is not always “normal”!) Science shows us that everything follows a bell curve, and we all lie somewhere on that distribution curve, be it in race, faith or sexuality. I do hope you explore your interests and concerns within a therapeutic environment; if nothing else it will help you realise that you’re not alone in your confusion. Good luck
Wed 27 Oct 10 (10:01am)
After all you’ve been through and where you’ve ended up I think you deserve a safe way to get your freak out - whatever that might mean to you.
Don’t think you’re alone. Lot’s of people have their inner freak and need an outlet.
If it’s loss of control you’re worried about then get some help but as long as your fantasies ae just that then there’s no sense in beating yourself up over it.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (10:08am)
I have no idea what to advise on this one, you need help from a professional. But it does sound like your wife knows something is up. Talk to her, be honest, get some counselling and see if you can make your marriage work in the long run. Good luck.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (10:25am)
Why do you refer to yourself as a ‘what’? It’s WHO you are, not WHAT you are that’s important.
Have a chat with someone privately - counsellor or something. Just being able to get this off your chest is a great place to start, one thinks.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (10:30am)
You are not a freak, and don’t go looking for labels. Labels are society’s way of pushing everyone into a little box so everyone else know’s how to ‘deal’ with them… No one should be labeled. Speaking with someone at the Gender Society would do you wonders I think, they are there especially for people like yourself that are questioning or just need to talk.
On a side note, you don’t ‘have’ to put up with a virtually sexless marriage. This is a major issue in anyone’s life, in yours it’s an added stress that you shouldn’t have to deal with. If your marriage has changed you have every right to question your wife as to why and either seek help to fix or end the marriage if needed. Did you agree to twice a year when you married? Has she given you a reasonable answer or ‘excuse’ as to why the intimacy has stopped? If you do decide to speak with a marriage counselor, make sure they are open minded and modern in their practices..
You need to sort out what you feel when you’re impersonating a woman online, does it feel natural, are you happy? Decide these things before calling (or forwarding your email to) the Gender Society. The sooner you do, the sooner you will start feeling like your real self.
Wed 27 Oct 10 (10:37am)