The Artful Codger: The Tony Robinson Interview

Like a couple of his former Blackadder cast-mates, Tony Robinson is one of Britain's genuine national treasures. A child actor, at the the age of thirteen he was plucked from the obscurity of the chorus-line to become the second boy to play the Artful Dodger in the original 1959 West End production of Lionel Bart's Oliver! Upon finished school he chose to continue treading the boards, starring in the children's educational programme Sam on Boffs' Island and he was later a presenter on Play Away. He also appeared in the award-winning Horizon documentary Joey, and in the title role in the BBC production of The Miracle of Brother Humphrey and made his film debut in a cameo in Brannigan. Having spent a decade playing mainly small roles and doing lots of theatre Tony, in his own words 'became an overnight sensation in my late thirties' for his role in The Black Adder and its several sequels, as Edmund Blackadder's dogsbody-with-a-million-cunning-plans Baldrick. In 1993, Robinson began presenting Time Team, a factual series devoted to archaeological investigations which remains, nearly two decades later, a particular favourite of yer Keith Telly Topping. In 2005, Exeter University conferred an Honorary Doctorate on Tony, along with Honorary Professorships to his friend and co-presenter, Mick Aston and producer Tim Taylor, to reflect its appreciation for what Time Team has done for the public understanding of archaeology. As a consequence, Tony has carved out a parallel career to his acting, presenting numerous other social history-based shows - mainly for Channel 4. These include The Worst Jobs in History, Birth of Britain, Tony Robinson and the Paranormal, Man on Earth and Britain's Real Monarch. He was also one of the studio presenters on the BBC's legendary twenty-eight hour live broadcast 2000 Today. From 1996 to 2000, he was vice-president of the actors' union Equity, helping with a huge restructuring programme which turned the organisation's half-a-million pound deficit into a small surplus. Politically active since his late teens, Tony was elected to the Labour Party's National Executive Committee, a position which he held from 2000 to 2004. He is also the honorary president of the Young Archaeologists' Club of the Council for British Archaeology. More recently, he's been a spokesman for the highly-regarded genealogy website ancestry.co.uk and it was in this capacity that yer Keith Telly Topping had the opportunity to interview Tony from the BBC's London studios on 13 October 2010. Ancestry.co.uk, in partnership with the City of London's London Metropolitan Archives, has this week launched online for the first time over eight million of London’s oldest surviving parish records, charting the history of the city from the Sixteenth Century to modern times. The London Baptisms, Marriages and Burials, 1538-1812 archive contains vital records kept at more than one thousand parishes. It includes some of the few extant records of the English Civil War. Crucially, these records pre-date Civil Registration, the system introduced by the Government in 1837 to record the 'vital' events of its citizen's lives - births, marriages and deaths. The only way to trace these key events for an ancestor before the Nineteenth Century is to use parish registers. After a few minutes before the tapes rolled, chatting variously about the bravery of Chilean miners, his admiration for former Chilean president Salvadore Allende and, from that, somehow, to the more insane end of Blackadder fandom(!) I began by asking who was likely to benefit the most from the release of these documents.

I guess, the people who will be happiest with the release of these records will be those, a bit like myself, who've researched their family tree back to about 1800, and then hit a brick wall.

That's right. I think you could probably get another hundred years back, actually. Most people manage to get back to the mid-Eighteenth Century, I got down to 1730, and I'm not great at doing the research. But the really exciting thing is the early London parish records which go all the way back to 1538 and even beyond. I say the London parish records but, even if you don't live in London these can still be incredibly useful because one out of every two people who lives in England today have got ancestors who were either born, died or were married in London. So they're a really useful resource. In 1538, Henry VIII's Prime Minister I suppose you'd call him - he was the Vicar General in those days- Thomas Cromwell issued an edict that all the churches in the country had to keep a record of all births, deaths and marriages in their parish. So that's essentially what we've got. Plus, a few older records which go right the way back to the Twelfth Century. Most of those are in Latin. So, there's plenty to chose from and this is the first day so we hardly know anything about the significance of what's in there yet.

One of the things I noticed when I read the pre-publicity was that this event seems a bit Londoncentric. But, I presume this is merely the start of a national roll-out programme of parish records?

Oh, absolutely. It's really about what becomes cost-effective. The way that family history has developed over the last couple of decades is that, as you can imagine, putting this stuff online is very expensive. Not only do you have to digitalise it into a format that we can all read, but you have to clean up all the documents; in a lot of them, there are misspellings, the ink has faded, they've been eaten by various bugs or rained on by leaky parish roofs. So, it's sometimes very difficult to read them in their original state. A lot of money is spent on getting them in good nick. Because all this new stuff goes online, more people are attracted to the idea of looking up their family histories, so they pay their subscription fees so then adding even more stuff online becomes cost-effective. A lot of people say "why didn't you all the information we've got up online at once?" Well, apart from the time it would take, it's because it's so expensive. A lot of people come to a halt in their research because they find a point where their relatives arrived from Austria, say. Obviously they can't get that information. Well, over the years as other countries become more interested in their family history, not only is there an ancestry.co.uk, but they'll be one in Australia, in various European countries, America, the far east, and we'll be able to pull more and more of this sort of information together.

History, of one sort of another, is probably what you've become most associated with over the last couple of decades through your TV work. How do you think history should be taught in schools to make it, perhaps, a touch less dry and dusty? And, I say that as somebody who took history to A level myself!

I don't think there is one simple way. One of the mistakes that the previous government made was believing there was some sort of template, some structure in which kids could best be taught in order to get them to understand more things. I think an awful lot of successful teaching is down to the relationship between the individual teacher and the individual pupil. And, different teachers are going to have different ways of teaching which work for them. And may have different perceptions that work better for the kids, so I think what we need to encourage is a space wherein teachers can teach better.

I notice it's very much a hot topic at the moment. Simon Schama was making a speech about this very subject the other week.

Yes, and I think that's really great. A lot of people are asking me "how do you feel about Simon Schama going to work with the Tories?" I think it's a fantastic idea. You need historians like Schama. You need provocative historians like David Starkey and you need people like me who never went to university and just talk in the language of ordinary people.

Or, indeed, Michael Wood?

Yes. Exactly. It's not that I think one is any better than the others, you need to understand there's no such one all-encompassing thing as history. There are lots of different interpretations, lots of different viewpoints of history. And one of the great things about our contemporary media is that they give us the opportunity to get access to all of those different interpretations.

Which brings me very nicely to your own interest in history. Was that something which was sparked by Blackadder and Maid Marion, or was it something that you'd always been fascinated by?

It was sparked, actually, by my dad telling me all of the adventures he'd had during the war. And, he wasn't a war hero or anything, he was stuck up away in East Scotland servicing Spitfires and Hurricanes. But he was a young working class boy from London, hardly ever been away from home before. He suddenly had five years away with a bunch of completely different people from completely different environments and all these things happened to him. And, he happened to be a good story-teller who told them to me in a completely riveting way. I got a sense from that, that the people who were my dad's age had been young like I was once and, if that was true about my dad and my mum then that must mean it was also true about their parents and their parents and their parents. So, I began to get this glimmer that I was just a tiny part of a massive continuity of history. I do think it's terribly important that mums and dads talk to their kids and relay to them the adventures which they had when they were young. I know that when kids get to be adolescent, they get terribly embarrassed about that sort of thing and do wish that their parents would just shut up! But, I do think it's one of those things that really does impact on your adult life when you've had an appreciation of all those narratives about your family.

A lot of the focus of these records are on the period of the English Civil War which is a majorly important period in British history. Virtually all of our political systems of government have come directly from that period. But, it's one that not a lot of people know an awful lot about besides, I suppose, the haircuts of the participants. One lot looked like The Beatles, the other lot looked like Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen so it all kicked-off, big style. But, it was a bit more complicated than that, wasn't it?

Isn't it extraordinary, as you say? It was such a key period in our history, when we shifted from having a king whose power was everything and nobody could stand in his way through to a very assertive parliament and the beginnings of parliamentary democracy as we know it today. And, there are all these great stories about the Roundheads and Cavaliers and yet most people hardly know anything about that period.

It's estimated that eighty five per cent of people can't even name a battle from it.

When I first started doing interviews this morning, I was just chatting to the people in the studio - sadly, all of whom are younger than me! - and they all admitted that they knew virtually nothing about the English Civil War. And it's great, it's so sexy! So many good stories. So many quirky, weird, interesting things happened at that time. So, yes, I'm really pleased that the release of these, particular documents amplify the Civil War era. And there's stuff about Cromwell and Fairfax, and leaders on both sides of the divide during that time.

I know you've said in the past that transport costs are a major issue, but when can we expect to see the Time Team back in the North East? Because we really do enjoy having you up here.

Yeah. What we've done a couple of time is that we've stayed in Darlo [Darlington] and used that as a base and done two in about eight days.

Back-to-back.

Yes. It just cuts the cost so much. I honestly can't remember whether we have been back because there's still about nineteen that we've made that haven't been seen yet. About half-a-dozen of them are going out now on Sunday evenings and then they come back again in January at 5:30 in the evening and will run through to the end of March. And, during that time we'll start making the next series. I hope that we do have some more in the North East. But, also, I hope that we don't start too early in the year because it's cold up there. You guys don't realise that, you all walk around with no tops on up there! But, to us wimpy southerners digging for three days in the North East, in March, isn't something I'd choose!

I'm sure dear old Phil could handle it. One final question, I know you're a big fan of Bristol City, what do you think the Robins chances of promotion are this year?

That is just such a cruel and disheartening thing to say! It is only fair to point out that there have been some teams in the North East who have struggled a little bit over the last few years.

Absolutely! You're talking to a supporter of one of them!

All right, you might be on the up at the moment, and Bristol City are on the down but boy-oh-boy will we cream you soon.

So you reckon you're going to be coming up to St James' shortly and giving us a hiding, then?

Well, at the moment, we're lying bottom of the championship! But, one day! The worm will turn and the cider drinkers will come up and ... I'm trying to find a polite way of saying it. Kiss all over you!

So, there you have it. Sound bloke, Tony Robinson. Informed, witty, charming and still happy to keep going even though I was, I believe, the sixteenth interview he'd done that morning and he was, obviously, fair knackered. Some extracts will be broadcast on tomorrow afternoon's Simon Logan Show on BBC Newcastle - sometime between 1pm and 4pm - and will subsequently be available on Listen Again on the iPlayer for about seven days afterwards.

Little Fish, Big Fish Swimmin' In The Water

It's been something of an odd week on US TV with new - and in the case of the first two, curiously underwhelming - episodes of House, Lie To Me and Hawaii Five-0 being broadcast on Monday. The good bits of the House episode (Massage Therapy) were entirely down to the Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein scenes with the episode's disease of the week story being a weak and uninvolving one. On Lie To Me, Cal Lightman found himself acting, frankly, much more bonkers than usual in a rather nasty little story (The Royal We) about the shenanigans at teenage beauty pageant that stretched both credulity and patience. Even 5-0's impressive start was briefly checked by an adequate-but-hardly-earth-shattering episode (Lanakila) about an escape convict. Good helicopter crash stunt, mind. Meanwhile, yer Keith Topping Topping also caught up on the opening episode of Whitechapel's long-awaited second series. Only to find that was oddly unsatisfactory too, despite a trademark great performance by Phil Davis. The Kray Twins stuff is watchable enough, I suppose although the increasingly desperate ways of involving Steve Pemberton's character in the plot was unsatisfying and the descriptions of the topping of Jack The Hat, Frankie The Mad Axeman and co as 'iconic murders' was, frankly, more than a bit offensive. Plus, the rather stage-y violence of the piece suggested that it had been directed by someone - with considerable ability - but who'd watched Performance, once, and not really understood it. We've been courteous. And, I'd forgotten just how twitchy and monosyllabic Rupert Penry-Jones played Joe Chandler in this show as it's been so long since I watched the first three-parter. It sounds from the above like I'm giving it a slagging but it wasn't bad, dear blog reader. Not even close. Indeed, with the talent involved in this it would have to be a spectacularly bad script for that to happen. But, to be honest, I'm glad I stuck to watching [spooks] and recorded Mark Gatiss' History of Horror on Monday night. When all was said and done, both felt more honest shows. Always go with your first instincts, that's yer Keith Telly Topping's Top TV Tip of the day.

Coverage of the rescue of those thirty three Chilean miners - a heroic story of genuine human bravery and magnificence both from the rescuers and the miners themselves - led to some bumper audiences for both the BBC News channel and Sky News yesterday. BBC News averaged over half-a-million viewers from early morning right through to late afternoon with peaks of above six hundred thousand around noon and, later, at 5pm and 7pm. Sky News had a steady audience of between two and three hundred thousand for most of the day, rising to just over four hundred thousand at 5pm. On terrestrial TV BBC's Breakfast, One O'Clock News and Six O'Clock News programmes all enjoyed above-average audiences of 1.8m, 1.9m and 4.4m respectively. Breakfast's peak was a whopping 2.4m around 8am. Once again, the BBC's Ten O'Clock News mullered its ITV opposition, News At Ten by over two-to-one (a smidgen under five million viewers, versus two million two hundred thousand on ITV). Oddly, however, despite most TV news programmes on all channels gaining an increase in viewers - even Channel Five News got a few more than normal with seven hundred and twenty thousand viewers - ITV's Daybreak saw its audience remain anchored at a pathetically poor average of six hundred and eighty thousand across its two and half hours from 6am. It seems that not even the Chilean effect could overcome the Chilesean effect. It fair makes one wonder who's going to come to the rescue and get Adrian out of the deep, dark hole he's found himself a-trapped in.

Karren Brady has criticised the female Apprentice candidates for badly representing women. Lord Sugar's new assistant on the reality show gave a dressing down to the girls in Team Apollo on this week's episode of the BBC1 series. After watching the girls participate in a slanging match over who was responsible for their failure in a beach accessory task, Brady stepped in to voice her concerns about their behaviour in the boardroom. 'Can I just say something? You are representing businesswomen today and I have to say that it is outrageous the way that you are behaving,' said the forty one-year-old. 'Seventy per cent of my management team are women and I've never come across anything like this. I think you have to remember who you are representing in this process, young women out there who want to have an opportunity like this. You should set an example.' Sugar backed up his co-star, commenting: 'Some people get confused and think this is all about who can shout loudest and that is not what I'm looking for. All I'm hearing is a group of ladies in turmoil.' He added: 'Listen to Karren's words. I think that's the most sensible thing said here today.'

The Apprentice home was engulfed by 'bitching' and 'eavesdropping' and awash with 'strategic tears,' said his latest reject from the show, Joy Stefanicki. The Birmingham-based marketing director was sent packing in the latest show after the girls' Apollo team failed to sell any of their beach book stands. Fired up after her dismissal, the thirty one-year-old blamed the plotting women who lived together in the top floor of the house. 'There's a massive amount of bitching – non-stop,' she said. 'They were at it at the house. Lots of cliquing and strategic stuff and politics and I wouldn't play that game. When we weren't working, the boys were very good at getting home and letting go of it. The girls never let it go. They were never "off."' She also said that she 'caught Sandeesh standing by a bedroom door listening in' on two other contestants, adding: 'There were people trying to find weaknesses in people and others crying and people saying that was tactical tears. I wanted to go over to the boys' team. I was desperate to get away from those girls.'

Hammer Film has confirmed plans to return to television. The famed horror production company was recently revived following a twenty five million pound investment from Endemol founder John de Mol. It has since backed Let Me In, the English language remake of 2008's best movie made-by-anyone, Låt Den Rätte Komma In. Chief executive Simon Oakes told BBC News: 'I think it's possible to do this anthology series where Hammer House of Horror has a one hour event story every week. Television is very different - you have to be very cognisant of what the controllers want - and they are looking a year, two years in advance. We're taking baby steps in television but we're very keen to build a television business.' He added: 'Television is incredibly important. I like the idea of going against conventional wisdom. People tell me that anthology doesn't work any more. So that makes me think let's try and make it work.' Of other planned projects, Oakes said: 'We are creating a Hammer Theatre of Horror. I believe that the best brands can exist in multimedia and I think there's no better storytelling platform than the theatre. It's also a chance to have that repertory feel to it that Hammer had in its film days.' Hammer's last horror movie was 1976's To the Devil a Daughter, starring Christopher Lee and Nastassja Kinski. Lee returns to Hammer with the release next year of thriller The Resident, with Hilary Swank in the lead role. The studio is also filming a new adaptation of supernatural novel The Woman in Black, starring Daniel Radcliffe. The Hammer company was founded in the 1930s but it was not until the 1950s that its name became synonymous with the horror genre. The company also produced comedies, thrillers and science fiction. Its run of Gothic monster movies included Dracula and The Curse Of Frankenstein and it made stars of British actors like Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. After being dormant since the 1980s, the company and its back catalogue was bought in 2007 by a consortium, with Simon Oakes as CEO. Hammer's initial return to horror was an interactive web serial Beyond The Rave, which was broadcast via MySpace in 2008. Meanwhile, Let Me In is due to have its European premiere at the BFI London Film Festival this week. The film goes on general release on 5 November. And, yer Keith Telly Topping is very much looking forward to it, even if it can't possibly be as good as the Swedish original! But, it means a lot to this blogger, does Hammer. I spent much of my childhood - in common with many members of my generation, some of them now very famous - being thrilled and terrified in just about equal measure by its output. I wrote a book celebrating my love of many of the studio's best movies (and those of other British companies working in the same field) and I have longed for the day when we'd see its blood-red logo returned, proudly, on our screens. It's really great to have it back.

Michael Jackson's brother Randy has said that he is angry with his parents for agreeing to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Randy took to his Twitter account on Tuesday to express his displeasure that the talk show host was given access to the Jackson family 'compound' in Encino. The singer asserted that Winfrey had a vendetta against Michael and tried to put him behind bars by airing a special on paedophilia during the musician's notorious molestation trial. 'I can never forget when she had the show on pedophilia [sic] during the jury deliberation process in my brother's Santa Maria case. That was no coincidence,' he wrote. Randy remarked that Winfrey is not the kind of person that Michael would have wanted around his children. He concluded: 'I know how Oprah feels about my brother and family. I also know that he would not have wanted this. She is the last person on earth he would want around his children.' Jackson further insisted that if he had been notified about the interview beforehand, he would have advised his parents Katherine and Joe against going forward with it.

Griff Rhys Jones is to host a new four-part documentary series on the life and adventures of Captain James Cook for ITV.

Glee could pick up a few more male viewers when the next season airs in the UK, after details emerged about a lesbian kiss between two of the show's cheerleader characters. The programme is not known for shying away from controversy, having dealt with the tricky issue of teenage pregnancy during the first series, but now it has pushed the boundaries even further. In a scene aired in the US this week, cheerleaders Brittany and Santana get a bit of girl-on-girl action going. As has been noted previously, dear blog reader, there - genuinely - are very few things in this world that cannot be improved by lezzing it up. Brittany reportedly says 'oh sweet lady kisses,' after her fellow Glee-clubber kisses her neck, to which Santana replies 'it's a nice break from all that scissoring.' Saucy. However, the liaison is cut short when Brittany suggests that the pair sing a duet of Melissa Etheridge's lesbian anthem 'Come To My Window,' the Daily Scum Mail reports with wax quite literally exploding from its ears. Which, let's face it, is always something worth seeing.

Alan Davies' new kitchen comedy Whites has lost nearly a million viewers – more than a third of its audience – in two weeks. The sitcom, set in a country house hotel, was seen by 1.45m viewers on BBC2 this week. That's down nine hundred and twenty thousand viewers on its strong opening audience of 2.37m two weeks ago, according to overnight figures. It has also slumped below the channel's average audience in the 9pm time slot of 1.87m.

The Watch channel has picked up the exclusive UK rights to the third season of Sanctuary. The show, which stars the Goddess-like Amanda Tapping, focuses on a group of people trying to protect unusual beings who hide among humans. Watch's channel head Paul Moreton said: 'Watch is delighted to have gained the exclusive rights to the next series of this compelling drama. Sanctuary will help consolidate the success we are enjoying with our other slate of popular entertainment dramas - Doctor Who, Torchwood and Primeval.'

Taking over from Jonathan Ross on Film 2010 was bound to be a terrifying prospect for yer Keith Telly Topping's favourite Springfield-panda love-child, Claudia Winkleman. After all, she classes herself as a movie fan rather than a film expert and Ross is going to be a tough act to follow. Claudia, in fact, goes as far as to say that she nearly turned her dream job down fearing that she would be seen as a poor imitation of Ross, and of his predecessor, Barry Norman. 'Terrified is too small a word for how I feel at the moment. I'm horrified,' she notes. 'I'm so terrified that when they asked me, I was tempted to say "No," then I said I couldn't do it by myself.' The Gruniad Morning Star's film critic Danny Leigh was suggested, and one screen test and one furious argument later, Winkleman had found a co-presenter. 'We had a stand-up row about our favourite films. He said his favourite was David Lynch's Mulholland Drive, and my favourite film is more lowbrow and moronic – it's ET. So we shouted about that and I said, "It's got to be Danny."' Leigh adds that the pair's diverse taste in movies will be reflected in the programme, which will cater just as much for the Odeon-goers as for the arthouse cinema crowd. 'We're going to be talking about the three most interesting films of the week, which will come from all corners of movie culture,' he says. 'We could spend hours talking about the nuances of each film, but at the end of the day, the viewer wants to know whether he or she should spend a tenner on seeing the film. Should they get a babysitter in and go out? Because it's expensive to go to the cinema these days. That's one of the points of the show, to help people make that decision.' The new series is going out live instead of being pre-recorded as previously. One would think this would make it even more of a challenge for the presenters, but Winkleman says that she is happy about the change – in fact, it was she who suggested it. 'I know it's madness but I asked if we could go live because I don't have much else to offer. Other than the fact I make a good roast chicken,' she adds, helpfully. She is certainly used to going live, presenting Strictly – It Takes Two every weekday, as well as her own arts show on Radio2. 'I think it's more – and I hate this word – but it's more honest. We won't be so measured and careful, so if I say, "That film's rubbish," nobody's going to say, "Halt! Can you go again and say there might be something in it for somebody?"' Whilst some critics might doubt her film knowledge, Winkleman says she can 'talk to you about Sandra Bullock until your ears bleed' and names Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman and the director David Fincher as some of her movie heroes. Both presenters are passionate about going to the cinema. Winkleman recalls her first date with her film producer husband Kris Thykier, when, in a rather flash manner, he offered to book a table at a swanky restaurant. On Winkleman's request, however, they ended up at the cinema watching Armageddon. 'Sometimes we do it on Boxing Day!' Yer Keith Telly Topping really likes Claudia Whatsherface - class act. Even if she looks, increasingly, like a bastard-love-child of Dusty Springfiend and a panda.

The BBC spent so heavily on its coverage of the Chilean miners rescue that it may be forced to reduce its coverage of other major events, including next month's G20 summit in Seoul and the Oscars according to a quite sickeningly triumphalist report in the Gruniad Morning Star. A memo written by the BBC's world news editor, Jon Williams, and sent to fellow executives, which the newspaper boasts this it has 'seen' says the cost of reporting the rescue will exceed one hundred thousand pounds. It will also result in cuts to coverage of the Cancún climate summit, which begins in November, the Nato summit in Lisbon, and the Davos World Economic Forum. All of which, to be fair are important events but are unlikely to see the kinds of audience for rolling news coverage that yesterday's events in Chile pulled in (see above). So, from a purely television point of view - you know, the business that the BBC is a part of - one could easily suggest that such an allocation of resources is more than justified. Not that the agenda-driven Gruniad scum said that, of course. Oh, no. Too busy congratulating themselves of their ability to procure an internal BBC memo, so they were. So pleased with themselves were they, in fact, that yer Keith Telly Topping is willing to speculate they all ended the night by giving their own reflections a damned good tonguing. BBC News sent a crew of twenty six to cover the final dramatic rescue of the San José miners, pushing its annual budget beyond agreed limits. 'The financial situation is serious,' Williams warns. 'We are currently sixty seven thousand pounds beyond our agreed overspend.' In the memo, Williams also outlines the 'consequences for other events in the coming months.' They include sending either the BBC political editor, Nick Robinson, or business editor, Robert Peston, to the G20, but not both. 'We will scale back editor deployments to the G20 – so either Robert or Nick, not both,' Williams wrote. The memo was sent last week and it is not clear whether a decision has been made on whom to send, but both Robinson and Peston would normally expect to report on the G20. The BBC will also send just one correspondent to cover the Cancún climate summit, in November and December.

Three of the executive producers behind Lost are rumoured to be working on a new 'fairytale drama series' for American television's next autumn season, according to EW. Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz are preparing to pitch the project to ABC Studios for consideration for its 2011-12 slate. Lost showrunner Damon Lindelof is also attached to the project in a consultancy role. Little else is known about the series, although it is thought to feature a female lead.

The Met Office has confirmed that they are reorganising the roles and structure of the BBC weather centre, after press reports claim that three of its most high-profile presenters will be moved to 'back office' roles. The Met Office secured a five-year contract this July to continue the provision of weather services to the BBC. A spokesperson said the new contract required them to work 'within revised affordability levels.' A statement outlined that, 'To achieve this, we have employed a fair and open process to change Met Office staff roles and structure within the BBC weather centre.' The BBC weather centre currently employs twenty three Met Office staff. The Daily Scum Mail reported yesterday that some posts would be lost and three weather presenters - Rob McElwee, Tomasz Schafernaker and Philip Avery - would move to off-screen roles next month. A Met Office spokeswoman told Ariel that reshuffle plans have yet to be finalised and the details of any moves have not been confirmed. She added that, although there would be fewer posts at the BBC weather centre, there would be no redundancies as employees would be moved to other areas within the Met Office.

Dannii Minogue has revealed that she notices a resemblance between Simon Cowell and the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants. Minogue said that she would like to personally give her fellow X Factor judge a makeover. Please let it be with a hammer. Speaking to Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby on ITV's This Morning, the least famous of the Minogue sisters said: 'I want to change that hairdo. Sometimes it gets really flat like the SpongeBob SquarePants character and I can't cope with that.' How do you think viewers feel, Dan?

Gamu Nhengu has revealed that she has received no phone calls from either Cheryl Cole or Simon Cowell since her X Factor exit. Nhengu, whose axing from the series spread mucho controversy over a week ago, also told Star magazine that she feels her experience on The X Factor hasn't been worthwhile. She said: 'I have had no calls from Cheryl or from Simon. I haven't spoken to any of the big producers either.' Merely, the small ones, it would seem. The former talent show contestant added: 'I had so much hope but because I did it, my mum's been painted as this benefit cheat. It wasn't worth it.' Well, it would appear that any chance of Simon Cowell's lawyers helping with Gamu's immigration problems have just taken a turn for the 'non-existant' after that little outburst.

Graffiti artist Banksy's opening sequence to The Simpsons was originally even sadder, according to the show's executive producer. The two-minute title sequence, broadcast in the US last weekend, depicted Simpsons merchandise being created in an Asian sweatshop. The scenes included kittens being used as stuffing for Bart dolls, while a unicorn's horn was exploited to pierce DVDs. Al Jean told Entertainment Weekly: 'There were some small things we went through with Broadcast Standards for taste, but I was impressed — for an American TV show we did this really satiric thing, and it was ninety five percent of what he wanted.' Asked what had been cut, he replied: 'I wouldn’t go into them, but it was just a little sadder. I don't know if the unicorn made it in the original draft.' Jean added that the scenes were 'fanciful' and denied any connection with the reality of producing Simpsons merchandise. Although, if you're a cat lover, it might be an idea to check what your Bart Simpson doll is stuffed with, just to be on the safe side.

Danny Dyer has revealed that he has 'always taken drugs' and 'probably always will.' Defending his comments, the alleged actor and - according to his Wikipeida profile - 'media personality' said that he does not feel the need to draw a line under the issue, adding: 'It's not like I'm a Blue Peter presenter, is it?' No, chuck. They wouldn't have the likes of you on that. According to the Daily Scum Mail, Dyer said: 'You can't brush it under the carpet and try and pretend it doesn't happen, because it does happen. It happens all over the world every night - millions and millions of people.' Yes, mate. Millions and millions of people who are, almost without exceptions, morons. Get a new brain, pal, the one you have is narrow and full of shit.

Jodie Marsh has joked that Katie Price would 'sell her own grandmother' for publicity. The former glamour model said that she does not like being compared to Price, claiming that she is happy to have moved out of the limelight for a career as a tattoo artist. 'Does anyone care about her anymore? I don't,' Marsh told the Daily Lies. 'Look, Kate would sell her own grandmother to a magazine if she could - I wouldn't. Good luck to her but I wouldn't do it. That's why I'm tattooing now. I'm keeping it real. I don't envy her life.' The Celebrity Big Brother contestant also took a swipe at new ITV2 show The Only Way Is Essex, claiming that the reality series is a poor portrayal of her county. 'It's embarrassing for Essex people and shows the worst side of them,' she said. 'It makes me feel sick. They all love themselves, they're obsessed with designer labels, all they care about is what they look like. Real Essex locals are hard-working, salt-of-the-earth people. This show is all people whingeing about their love lives and showing off all their money. There's so much more to me than that.'

Meanwhile, Price herself has claimed that ITV2 is, or are, refusing to promote the final series of her reality show. Earlier this year, the former glamour model signed an exclusive two-year deal with Virgin Media Television, which will see her star on Living when her ITV2 deal ends next month. Price has now 'hit out' at the network for not promoting the remaining episodes of What Katie Did Next. What's in it for them, Katie? You did the dirty and still expect them to play fair? Oh, you naive child. 'Don't forgot my show on tonight 9pm itv2,' she wrote on Twitter. 'I'm telling you as itv2 don't advertise it [sic].' Last month, Price criticised the decision when replying to a fan's question. 'ITV2 WON'T advertise as my last show with them not good on their side very un pro,' she said. [Sic]. On several levels.

Is She Really Going Out With Him?

Yer Keith Telly Topping had one of the best moments of his life today when he got to interview the great Tony Robinson for The Afternoon Show. Hopefully, extracts from it will be going out some time later this week. I'm hoping, also, to get a full audio copy of the interview so that I can transcribe it up, here, because he is a genuinely fascinating and charming bloke, is old Baldrick. Even if he was onto about this twelfth interview of the day and his voice was on the point of packing in! Anyway, more on all that later, but I did get one little nugget which is worth sharing immediately. As far as Tony is aware, Channel 4's damned queer decision to show this year's Time Team in two chunks will not be repeated next year and that, once the current batch of episodes have been broadcast, the eighteenth series - which they've already filmed - will be going out from January straight through till March of next year. So, that's great news.

One would have to be a complete sick, venal Daily Scum Mail reader with a heart composed entirely of cold granite not be moved by the rolling news coverage of the rescue of the Chilean miners after sixty nine days trapped underground. (My mate Daz pointed out that today is Margaret Thatcher's birthday. The irony that the nation has spent it being cheered by good news about miners is rather a telling one, I think.) Yer Keith Telly Topping was particularly impressed by the BBC News channel's coverage. And, especially, by an almost poetic line used by reporter Matt Frei somewhere in the midst of twenty four hours during which virtually every cliché under the sun has been used by the news media. 'There are too many bad news stories in the world,' he noted at one point during the marathon broadcast. 'This is a good news story.' Quite.

Tonight's episode of MasterChef: The Professionals featured yet more tears from Sobbing Stacey and a classic moment when self-confessed 'crazy' Jason presented Gregg Wallace and Michel Roux with, I kid you not, a quail and chocolate cake dish. 'I want to take that chocolate cake and dunk it in a cup of tea,' noted Michel. 'Not dunk it in a chili-flavoured green-cabbage sauce.' And, then he made a really funny face. 'You may be a genius,' said a clearly befuddled Gregg. 'But you are ahead of my time!' After an odd episode in which Lee impressed the notoriously difficult to please restaurant critics but not, seemingly, Gregg and Michel, Lee and Stacey progressed to the the next round.

The UK's critical infrastructure - such as power grids and emergency services - faces a 'real and credible' threat of cyber attack, the head of GCHQ has said. The intelligence agency's director Iain Lobban said that the country's future economic prosperity rested on ensuring a defence against such assaults. The Internet created opportunities for hostile states and criminals, he added. For example, one thousand malicious e-mails a month are already being targeted at government computer networks. Speaking to the International Institute for Strategic Studies, Lobban said that he did not want to go into detail about the threat to the UK's 'critical national infrastructure.' But he noted that the threat posed by terrorists, organised criminals and hostile foreign governments was 'real and credible' and he demanded a swifter response to match the speed with which 'cyber events' happened. Critical national infrastructure also includes sectors such as financial services, government, mass communication, health, transport, food and water - all of which are deemed necessary for delivering services upon which normal daily life in the UK depends. With both the Strategic Defence and Security Review and the Comprehensive Spending Review due to be published next week, Lobban said that ministers would be looking at what capabilities the UK needs to develop further. 'Clearly they will also be deciding how they trade off against other spending priorities.' He added: 'Just because I, as a national security official, am giving a speech about cyber, I don't want you to take away the impression that it is solely a national security or defence issue. It goes to the heart of our economic well-being and national interest.' Whilst GCHQ is more usually associated with electronic intelligence-gathering, Lobban stressed that it also had a security role, referred to as 'information assurance.' He said that they had already seen a 'significant disruption' to government computer systems caused by Internet worm viruses - both those which had been deliberately targeted and others picked up accidentally. Each month there were more than twenty thousand 'malicious' e-mails on government networks, of which one thousand were deliberately targeted at them, while intellectual property theft was taking place on 'a massive scale' - some relating to national security. And there was a big challenge with the government wanting to get more and more services online, he said. 'Cyberspace lowers the bar for entry to the espionage game, both for states and for criminal actors,' he said. 'Cyberspace is contested every day, every hour, every minute, every second. I can vouch for that from the displays in our own operations centre of minute-by-minute cyber attempts to penetrate systems around the world.' Whilst eighty per cent of the threat to government systems could be dealt with through good information assurance practice - such as keeping security patches up to date - the remaining twenty per cent was much more complex and could not simply be solved by building higher and higher security walls. Although cyberspace presented a potential security threat to the UK, Lobban said that it also offered an opportunity if the UK could get its defences right. 'Fundamentally, getting cyber right enables the UK's continuing economic prosperity. There's a clear defensive angle. In order to flourish, a knowledge economy needs to protect from exploitation the intellectual property at the heart of the creative and high-tech industry sectors. It needs to maintain the integrity of its financial and commercial services.' But, he added, the implications were far wider than that. 'There is an opportunity which we can seize if government and the telecommunications sector, hardware and software vendors, and managed service providers can come together. It's an opportunity to develop a holistic approach to cyber security that makes UK networks intrinsically resilient in the face of cyber threats. That will lead to a competitive advantage for the UK. We can give enterprises the confidence that by basing themselves here they gain the advantages of access to a modern Internet infrastructure while reducing their risks.' He said developing such expertise would also open up potential export opportunities, with the global market for cyber security products 'growing faster than much of the rest of the global economy.'

England's thoroughly wretched goalless Euro 2012 draw with Montenegro was watched by over six million viewers on Tuesday night, according to overnight audience data. Live coverage of the game averaged 5.44m on ITV between 7.30pm and 10.15pm, while five hundred and sixty thousand unlucky viewers tuned in on ITV HD to watch Fabio's waste-of-space tossers play like a League Two side in HD. As John Lydon once asked, 'ever get the feeling you've been cheated?'

Hostilities between Rupert Murdoch's scummy media empire and the BBC intensified this morning with the publication of a leader in The Times condemning Mark Thompson's decision to sign a letter calling on the business secretary Vince Cable to block News Corp's takeover of BSkyB. The Times, one of four scum British papers owned by News Corp's scum subsidiary News Scum International, ran an editorial accusing the BBC director general of 'seeking to gain commercial advantages in league with News Corp's rivals.' Thompson put his name on the letter to Cable, which said News Corp's bid to buy the sixty one per cent of BSkyB that it does not already own 'could have serious and far-reaching consequences for media plurality.' It was also signed by newspaper groups including Guardian Media Group, owner of the Gruniad Morning Star, Daily Scum Mail-owner Associated Newspapers and the Telegraph Media Group. Trinity Mirror and Channel 4 also put their names to the letter. The Times editorial begins by listing more than seventy BBC services, including its major TV and radio stations, website and local radio services. It argues that it is the BBC rather than News Corporation, which wields too much power. But the necessary difference, pal, is that people by and large like and trust the BBC. Murdoch, they don't like and trust about as far as they can comfortably fart. 'By lending his name to the campaign to prevent News Corp from purchasing those Sky shares that it does not already own, Mr Thompson has made a serious and surprising error,' it says. It's not a serious error at all. On the contrary, what it is, actually, is a case of ABOUT BLOODY TIME. It's long overdue for the media in this country to stop curling itself collective up into a little ball and whimpering 'please don't hurt me' to a bunch of crass, ignorant bullies like Murdoch and his scum spawn. 'He has embroiled his taxpayer-funded organisation in a political and commercial battle that it should have nothing to do with,' continued the Scum Times piece. Written, clearly, by someone with his brown tongue rammed so far up Murdoch's chuff there's no room for anyone else to join him. The leader goes on to accuse the letter's signatories of being 'openly self-interested' and says: 'Any pretence that the BBC is not similarly self-interested is at an end.' It claims that the BBC's journalists will be compromised following Thompson's intervention by having to report on a story in which the corporation is now a key protagonist. 'The BBC has shown the force of the political pressure – party politics, media politics, BBC politics – that will bear upon Vince Cable as he makes his judgment on News Corp's offer,' it concludes. 'The Times does not pretend to be able to judge this matter objectively. It simply expects that Dr Cable will do so, guided by the law rather than pressure group politics.' Scum. Disgraceful agenda-blighted scum. News Corp is expected to seek regulatory approval for the deal from the European Commission in the next ten days. Which, it'll probably get if it splashed enough cash around. Cable will then have twenty five days in which to seek an intervention notice and would then ask media regulator Ofcom to investigate whether the deal could compromise media plurality. News Corp is hoping that an earlier ruling by the Competition Commission, which said that the company effectively already controls BSkyB through its thirty nine per cent shareholding, has provided a legal precedent that makes it likely the deal will be allowed to go ahead. Just remember, everybody who voted Liberal Democrat, this is what you voted for. Even if you don't think you did.

In a, perhaps not entirely unrelated story, Ben Stephenson, the BBC's head of drama commissioning, has for the second time in a fortnight expressed his doubts about Sky's long-term commitment to backing homegrown drama. Writing in this week's Radio Times, Ben repeated comments that he made in a speech when launching the BBC's autumn and winter drama season and claimed it is a 'myth' that American television produces greater drama than their British counterparts. The programming chief said that Sky's spend on UK drama was minuscule compared to the corporation's budget, or Sky's own expenditure on foreign acquisitions for that matter. Stephenson further claimed that the 'commercial model' of US television, which relies on long-running programmes to maximise revenues, would have made recent acclaimed BBC hits such as Sherlock and Dive virtually impossible. Earlier in the month, Sky announced the launch of new channel Sky Atlantic to house content from its expensive HBO deal and the new series of Mad Men, which it had poached from the BBC. Stephenson accused the media of cynicism about the state of British drama, particularly in regards to claims that Sky's recent investment marks another nail in the coffin for free-to-air drama'. Considering that while their investment is welcome, it's only thirty million pounds - a figure dwarfed by the couple of hundred million the BBC spends on original drama and the many hundreds of millions Sky spends on buying foreign shows,' he said. Stephenson said that it is currently a 'fashionable, but naive' view to say that US television is superior at producing great drama, or that British broadcasters lack the courage to commission longer-running programmes. 'Of course they make great television, but with a few exceptions they make just two types: thirteen-part series and twenty four-part series. Why? Because it's the best commercial model for them to recoup their investment,' he said. 'Get out of the room if you want to write anything else. No Five Daughters, no Sherlock, no Dive, no The Silence, no The Song of Lunch.' Although, to be fair, in the case the case of that latter, that would've been a good thing! 'All of those writers would be told - make it thirteen or twenty four parts, or nothing. Steven Moffat would not be able to write Sherlock how he wants to. He'd be replaced by someone who could write twenty four episodes.' Stephenson pledged that BBC drama would not become 'obsessed' by the America model of production, but instead 'serve our audiences by telling our writers' best stories.'

Craig Revel Horwood has claimed that Ann Widdecombe's performance on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing was 'ghastly.' To be fair, that's giving perfectly reasonable ghastly things a bad name, by association. The judge, who gave Widdecombe and her pro partner the lowest possible score of one point for their salsa routine, defended his harsh marking on spin-off show It Takes Two. 'She didn't really do any dancing - let's be serious about this,' he told host Claudia Whatsherface. 'Lots of finger wagging going on. [The timing] is ghastly. There is a plethora of negative words I could use to describe this dance. It is a complete and utter tip of a dance. It is a mess. It is catastrophic. I mean the last lift with the pigeon-toes and the legs spread. Argh!' Very expressive, young man. Widdecombe avoided the bottom two on Sunday's result show, despite only picking up twelve points for her first Latin routine of the series.

Brendan Cole has criticised the Strictly judges for their constant negativity about Michelle Williams. The pro dancer, who won the first series of the BBC1 reality show, was particularly angry with Bruno Toniolo for his lack of encouragement. 'I don't want to sound like a whiner or anything.' Oh, too late for that, my love. 'Michelle's foxtrot was a proper foxtrot,' he told Claudia Whatsherface who is looking increasingly like a bastard love child of Dusty Springfield and a panda. 'I'm talking lower, drive, rise, fall, swing and sway. Yes, her shoulders came up a little bit, but it was her first ever ballroom dance. You've got to give her a bit of time and a little bit of encouragement. I can't stand any of this negative, negative all the time. It's not fair at all. It takes too long for her to pick herself up afterwards. She has feelings as well.' He added: 'Everyone thinks she's this strong woman, but she's just as insecure as the rest of us.' Cole and Williams picked up twenty four points and twenty six points for their first Latin and ballroom dances. They will perform a rumba on this week's show.

Dusseldorf will host next year's Eurovision Song Contest following Germany's victory in Oslo this year with the song 'Satellite' by Lena Meyer-Landrut. The city beat competition from Berlin, Hamburg and Hanover which all bid to host the event. The contest's three live events - semi-finals on 10 and 12 May and the final on 14 May - will take place at the Esprit Arena. 'Dusseldorf twelve points,' said Lutz Marmor, of German host broadcaster NDR. 'I congratulate Dusseldorf cordially and, just as cordially, I thank the other three cities for going into the race enthusiastically with attractive concepts.' Gosh, they're so civilised, the Germans. Lena's 'Satellite' was a number one hit in a number of European countries, including Germany and Sweden, although it only reached number thirty in the UK.

James Corden and JLS have reportedly teamed up to film a Christmas special for television. And, I use the word 'special' quite wrongly. Anyway, what a bunch of swines - Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. The Mirror claims that Corden will direct the comedy show while the members of JLS will be acting in it. Well, that sounds like my idea of THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER. Perhaps that's the point. 'James got his team to refine some of the sketches and come up with a few comedy platinum ideas of their own,' a 'source' is alleged to have said. 'Very loosely it'll be Little Britain meets with An Audience With... meets You've Been Framed.' So, over-rated meets rubbish meets cheap rubbish. Hmm. It's not getting any better, this description, is it?

Sir Michael Parkinson has 'blasted' Russell Brand, claiming that he is 'lucky' to be so famous. The veteran broadcaster and grumpy old misery-guts compared Brand's career in Hollywood to that of Rin Tin Tin - the German Shepherd dog who had a string of hit films in the twenties and thirties - and added that he did not 'see the point' of Brand. Parkinson told Radio 5Live: 'He doesn't make me laugh. I don't think his style of talking is particularly beautiful, funny or creative, not at all. I don't see the point of him, frankly. I would say he has been a very lucky man. I mean, Rin Tin Tin had a very big career in Hollywood and he was a dog. You don't have to be particularly talented to have a career in Hollywood.' On Brand's memoirs My Booky Wook, Parkinson commented: 'Would you pick up a book called a Booky Wook? Come on! Booky Wook - what kind of stuff is that?' Irony? Sign of a rubbish education? You tell me, Parky, you seem to be the expert. The seventy five-year-old also insisted that he was not impressed by the Get Him To The Greek actor's way of speaking. '"Dickensian way of speaking" - is that what it is?' he asked, rhetorically. 'Dickens would be spinning in his grave now if you actually compared them. Please, have a care.' In actual fact, if Dickens was around today, he'd be writing for EastEnders so, you know, what the Hell do you know, Parky? However, Parkinson reserved his strongest criticism for Brand's part in the infamous Sachsgate scandal - which he has previously described as indefensible. 'There was nothing funny about it,' Parkinson insisted. 'I don't want to make Mr Brand any more famous than he already is but what he said on radio was undeniably wrong. What he did defines him as being somebody who actually is unthinking and uncaring about people's feelings. If your grandad had been at home and some drunken guy you have never heard of calls him and starts making these obscene, stupid suggestions, would you think that was funny? Would you be angry and cross? Or would you say, "He's alright because fundamentally he's a really good bloke and a funny lad?" He's a lucky man to have survived it. There was a time when he wouldn't have done.' Parkinson's comments follow earlier remarks from the emibttered old whinger in which he criticised the 'foolish ambition' of celebrities who become talkshow hosts without any understanding of the role.

Robert De Niro is reported to have signed a deal for a new police drama at CBS. The Hollywood Reporter claims that De Niro and The Wire writer Richard Price have signed with the network for their latest script Rookies. The drama will follow a group of young, new police officers who begin their careers in a number of heavy crime spots. De Niro and Price will produce the drama through De Niro's company Tribeca Productions alongside CBS TV Studios. The deal comes as part of Tribeca's agreement with CBS to produce at least three new pilots over the course of two years. CBS is well known for its procedural crime dramas, including the various series of CSI and NCIS as well as shows like The Mentalist and Criminal Minds.

BBC director general Mark Thompson has today unveiled a series of changes to the corporation's executive board, including the departure of marketing chief Sharon Baylay. Yesterday, Thompson confirmed that his deputy director general Mark Byford is to leave the BBC in the summer of 2011 after thirty two years of service. Byford's departure is part of the BBC's strategy to streamline its management team towards reducing its senior pay bill by twenty five per cent by the end of 2011. The director general has now confirmed that Sharon Baylay, director of BBC Marketing, Communications and Audiences, will also leave the BBC, and that she will not be replaced in her post. Baylay was appointed in May 2009 after joining the corporation from Microsoft Online Services UK, where she was general manager. She also currently serves as a non-executive director of BBC Worldwide, the corporation's commercial arm. From April next year, BBC North director Peter Salmon and BBC People director Lucy Adams will continue in their roles, but step down from the executive board. They will instead join the new BBC Operating Committee. The BBC's MC&A and People divisions will cease to exist as standalone divisions, but come under an expanded group led by chief operating officer, Caroline Thomson. The move is intended to enable the BBC to 'realise further efficiency savings in support and management costs.' It was announced yesterday that Helen Boaden, director of BBC News, is to join the restructured board to represent BBC journalism, following the closure of the deputy director-general post. All changes to the executive board were approved by the BBC Trust. The Communist scum at the Gruniad Morning Star, meanwhile, were gleefully reporting that what they describe as 'highly placed sources within the BBC' had been talking about 'a night of the long knives' as Thompson prepares to make good on a promise drastically to reduce the number of executives on the BBC payroll. There was also speculation from what can, possibly, be described as the 'newspaper' concerning the role of Jana Bennett, director of BBC Vision, the corporation's TV and video content division. A close ally of Thompson, Bennett has worked at the corporation since she joined as a trainee in 1979. The BBC sought to play down suggestions that Bennett was poised to leave. The alleged newspaper claims Bennett has had discussions with BBC Worldwide, the corporation's commercial arm, about a possible job but, they continue, these have 'so far proved inconclusive.' In his MacTaggart Lecture at the Edinburgh Television Festival in August, Thompson pledged to introduce a 'faster and deeper' rate of change and reform at the BBC. 'Simpler structures, fewer layers, fewer management boards. We are committed to reduce senior manager numbers by a fifth by the end of next year. That's a minimum. If we can go further, we will,' said Thompson. He added: 'The BBC does need to compete for the right people - but we also need to recognise how much the external context has changed both in commercial media and across the public sector. By the end of next year, the total senior management pay bill will reduce by at least a quarter.'

Peter Horrocks, the BBC's director of global news, has warned about the potential negative impact of budget cuts at BBC World Service. The BBC's global radio operation is understood to be facing an up to twenty five per cent reduction in its annual two hundred and seventy two million pound grant from the Foreign Office as part of wide-ranging public sector cuts. In a speech to the Commonwealth Broadcasting Association in London, published in-full by the Press Gazette, Horrocks said that 'careful thought must be given before Britain diminishes its voice in the global conversation.' The foreign secretary Billy Fizz Hague recently claimed that the World Service would be protected from the worst of the cuts at the Foreign Office. However, there remains concern that even a small budget cut could lead to a reduction in its operation, which covers thirty two countries. Horrocks said that World Service has implemented a series of efficiency drives that have delivered seventy four million pounds of 'cashable savings' since 1998, while still managing to grow its audience by a third to forty two million people a week. He also highlighted that the National Audit Office has placed World Service 'in a minority of public bodies as having a "good" track record on efficiencies.' Horrocks further pointed to the expansion being conducted by other countries of their global news services, such as China's seven billion dollar overseas media programme and the one hundred million dollars annual budget of the Al Jazeera English network, backed by the emir of Qatar. Faced with the prospect of budget cuts, Horrocks said that he is wondering whether the World Service operation will be diminished 'to a level where our presence is merely symbolic or lacking quality that damages our standing.' He said that he is also questioning whether World Service would be able to continue offering 'lifeline services' during crises such as the Haiti Earthquake and Pakistan floods. 'These and many other questions are on my mind as we enter the final strait of our vigorous discussion about the future funding of the BBC World Service,' he said. 'I can only hope that the answers are positive and that we can continue to deliver for the UK and continue to be the world’s leading broadcaster, a true partner for promoting independent media.' And nation shall speak peace onto nation. Unless it costs too much and the Daily Scum Mail don't like it.

Full-of-his-own-importance Jamie Oliver has reportedly admitted that he does not feel as though anyone understands his motivation for work. He's quite wrong, of course. Yer Keith Telly Topping, for one, fully understands it fully. He just don't like it. Or full-of-his-own-importance Jamie Oliver his very self. They're two very different things, Jamie my son.

The future of television is in a state of flux as traditional manufacturers battle hi-tech companies to control the living room, say analysts. And, they would know. The view comes as Sony prepares to unveil the first Google-powered TV. Connecting the TV to the web has become a focus among manufacturers and set-top-box makers vying for market share. Google's emergence has energised things said commentators as has Apple's renewed bid for domination with its TV converter. 'There are so many variables just now and no one clear winner,' Paul Erickson, senior analyst with IMS Research told BBC News. 'Everybody is trying to own the living room experience. Google has definitely got everyone on their toes and all eyes are on Sony to see how it does with its Google TV offering.' Over five billion people watch TV worldwide which is more than the number of people who use mobile phones or computers. Some in the business believe that in terms of the connected TV, it is a two horse race with Google and Apple pitched against one another. Last Wednesday Logitech launched its Revue set-top-box as part of a partnership with Google to merge the TV and the Internet. A day later Apple's box went on sale aimed at connecting the TV to a wealth of Internet-delivered TV shows, movies, pictures, podcasts and music. 'Everybody is jockeying for position but all eyes are on Google and Apple in this race,' said Andrew Eisner content director for consumer site Retrevo.com. 'Google and Apple will be slugging it out to win consumers and own the TV operating system and put apps in the living room. I am a big believer that software sells hardware.' IMS Research's Erickson disagrees. 'Neither one has proven that they have any strong traction in the TV arena yet. Apple has been on the market for a while with Apple TV and have yet to make it a hit. Despite their strong consumer brand identity and loyalty there is something about the product that is a fundamental miss. Google TV is still a new offering and still has to establish a brand in TV but I think if executed well, it could really change things,' he said. Google unveiled its plans for the living room at its developer conference in San Francisco earlier in the year. At the time the search giant called it an 'adventure where TV meets web, apps, search and the world's creativity. We recognised that the pace of innovation in the TV space was not keeping up with the improvements in desktop and mobile computing,' said Google spokesman Eitan Bencuya. 'Over the past few years consumers have been asking for a better way to find video content and more ways to find and access web video content, while developers have been looking for an open way to develop applications for TVs.' Apple boss Steve Jobs has famously referred to Apple TV as 'a hobby.' Its failure to catch on with consumers is something Jobs acknowledged at a news conference in September. 'We've sold a lot of them, but it's never been a huge hit,' he said. The new version of the product has been reduced from two hundred and ninety nine dollars to just ninety nine but will only allow people to rent content rather than buy it. Initially, it will only offer TV shows from a small handful of providers such as Fox, ABC/Disney and the BBC. 'We think the rest of the studios will see the light and get on board pretty fast with us,' said Jobs. Google also underscored the difficulty in getting content partners onside. While the major networks, ABC, CBS, Fox and NBC will not take part several other internet companies and media outlets will. These included HBO, CNBC, Twitter, Netflix and Amazon. Van Baker, of Gartner, said what Google's offering is something of a half-way house. 'Their vision is a good vision but complete integration between the Internet and TV experience I don't see happening because the partners they need to have lined-up see it as too big a threat. The reality is that it's not about technology. It's about business models and right now the networks get about ninety per cent of their revenue from TV service providers like the Time Warner's, Comcast's and Direct TV's of the world. The best Google can do is deliver what amounts to a side-by-side experience. On one side of the screen you get the standard TV user interface either over the air or from Time Warner or Comcast. In the other part of the screen you get access to the Internet via Google,' he added. For Logitech, best known for producing mouse and remote controls for computers, this presents an opportunity in the market. Its Revue set-top box with Google's software acting as the brains will let users browse the web, stream videos from sites like YouTube or Hulu, play Flash games, connect with friends on social networks and even show off photos on the biggest display in the house. It will go on sale at the end of this month for two hundred and ninety nine dollars. 'We are building the engine for Google TV - the box and the keyboard which will take Google TV to market,' Rajiv Bansal, senior manager with Logitech's digital home group told the BBC. 'For people who have recently bought a new set we are empowering the TV again by bringing all this content to the television set, the best screen in the house, and making it centre stage.' Google is offering its software platform free to manufacturers, as it does with Android, in the hopes of broadening its advertising base from the Web to TVs. While Logitech and Sony are the first to get on board, Google is planning to expand to a number of other manufacturers next year. Other set-top boxes range from sixty dollars for the newly released Roku to two hundred dollars for the Boxee, due to ship next month. Erickson thinks that Sony's Google TV will make at impact at the expense of set-top-box manufacturers. 'The integrated experience is going to be much more powerful to sell to consumers than a separate box. The less steps you have to take to get this working the better - no extra wires, no extra remotes. Google and Apple are not alone in trying to change how people watch TV and grab some market share. A slew of manufacturers from Panasonic to LG and from Sharp to Toshiba are all offering all-in-one Internet TV's. Samsung, the biggest manufacturer in the space said it believed its plans for smart connected televisions will help it maintain its lead.' 'We are in the transitional period where we are witnessing a shift in the TV paradigm and I do believe we are at a starting point of seeing companies try to control the living room,' BK Yoon, the company's president of visual display business unit, told the BBC in September. So far though there are no runaway winners according to Baker. 'We have a lot of experimentation going on by content providers. A lot of experimentation with the consumer electronic manufacturers and Apple and Google trying to be brokers in the mix. There is everything to play for. It's a huge market. Google would naturally love for this to succeed for them because it would give them the TV advertising market and that is a pot full of money that would make what they currently do look small.' For the consumer, the plethora of offerings now and in the future means they can afford to wait a while before deciding where to spend their cash. Forrester research said it expected that the number of web connected TV's to go from about two million this year to forty three million in the US by 2015.

Joe McElderry has defended Cheryl Cole's decision not to put Gamu Nhengu through to the X Factor live shows. Though, what the Hell it has to do with yesterday's man is anybody's guess.

An actor's positive HIV test has caused two of the US adult film industry's largest studios to postpone filming. Wicked Pictures and Vivid Entertainment told the Los Angeles Times that production had stopped as a precaution. The unnamed actor was a member of the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation. Clinic spokeswoman Jennifer Miller said efforts were being made to notify other performers who may have had sexual contact with the actor. This is not the first time the billion dollar industry has faced closures. In 2004, an HIV outbreak spread panic in the industry and briefly shut down productions at several California studios. Up to fourteen people were believed to have been infected during on-camera sex with a male actor. Last year, a woman tested positive for HIV immediately after making an adult film. Officials in Los Angeles have criticised the pornographic film industry for the lack of condom use on porn sets. According to the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health, workers in the adult film industry are ten times more likely to be infected with a sexually-transmitted infection than members of the general public. In August, the AIDS Healthcare Foundation submitted an official complaint in California against adult entertainment mogul Larry Flynt. At the time Mr Flynt said he delivered 'what the consumer wants.' Federal law requires that all porn actors are tested for HIV thirty days before the start of filming.

Brandish Your Crystal Tresses In The Sky And With Them Scourge The Bad Revolting Stars

The return of crime drama Whitechapel was watched by 5.6 million viewers on Monday night, according to overnight ratings data, a huge drop on the seven million plus audience the show averaged on overnights during its first series in February 2009. The new three-part mini-series, which focuses on the Kray Twins, debuted to 5.42m on ITV from 9pm, whilst just over two hundred thousand additional viewers watched the episode on ITV HD. Whitechapel did, marginally, outperform [spooks] in the 9pm hour, with the espionage drama being watched by 5.22m on BBC1. But, given that [spooks]' average weekly audience has gone up a couple of hundred thousand from its 2009 series whereas Whitechapel appears to have lost a quarter of its audience, I know which will be the happier of the two networks with these figures.

Monica Galetti made yet another female contestant cry on Tuesday night's MasterChef: The Professionals. Which, is always funny.

Matt Smith has discussed how he approached playing the role of author Christopher Isherwood in upcoming BBC film Christopher and His Kind. The actor will star alongside Lindsey Duncan, Toby Jones and Douglas Booth in the ninety-minute adaptation of Isherwood's biography. He explained that as well as spending time in Berlin in preparation for the part, where Isherwood spent his formative years, he also visited Isherwood's partner Don Bachardy. 'I went to meet Don who was very charming and inviting, and he said to me that one of Christopher's most memorable qualities was the fact that he was very quiet and very at ease,' Smith said of the meeting. 'I think it's very ambitious as a piece of filmmaking. I'm very grateful for them giving me the platform and the opportunity to do it. I think that's one of the things about being an actor, you can be anything!'

Sir Michael Parkinson has 'slammed' (or, you know, criticised as normal people say) the 'foolish ambition' of celebrity talk show hosts. The veteran broadcaster and embittered old grumpy cynic said that a large number of the current crop of chat show hosts did not know how to perform in the role, singling out Graham Norton for praise but admitting that he was the perfect example of the current problem. Parkinson lamented in the Radio Times: 'Sadly, I think the conversational talk show has had it. It's not what today's commissioners want. Graham Norton perfectly demonstrates the kind of talk show where the host has more to say than the guests and ITV may have made a mistake moving Paul O'Grady into a 9pm slot. What was perfect at 5pm sits less comfortably at peak time and gifts a sitting duck for competing schedulers.' The seventy five-year-old added that television producers were to blame for promoting even 'fringe' celebrities to the chat show host role - despite their inability to get the best out of their guests. He probably also went on to mention how he, himself, once interviewed the late, great Gene Kelly in there somewhere but, to be honest, this blogger had nodded off by that point. He said: 'The trouble with the talk show is everyone fancies their chances. Even those on the extreme fringes of the ever-expanding world of modern celebrity reckon it's a doddle. They are encouraged in their foolish ambition by television executives who really ought to know better than to entrust the job to people who, more often than not, neither know how to ask a question nor listen to the answer.' However, Parkinson did, eventually, admit that some hosts deserved praise for their stints as interviewers. He said: 'For some, like Russell Harty, Clive James, Michael Aspel, Terry Wogan, Clive Anderson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton and Piers Morgan, it proved the perfect showcase for their disparate talent. For others it became the Bermuda Triangle of television.'

Graham Norton himself, meanwhile, has said that he is not interested in interviewing soap actors on his chat show. The comedian's show will move to Jonathan Ross's Friday night slot when the new series begins later this month. 'Shows have now been taken over by comedians and the like, who have big personalities of their own,' Norton told the Radio Times. 'This evolution was inevitable.' He continued: 'It's fine to have a show all about the guest if you're talking to Bette Davis or Frank Sinatra, but if you are talking to someone from Emmerdale - I mean, I am not that interested, are you?' The Irish presenter also added that he was under more pressure in his new time slot, but faced no competition from ITV. 'The good thing is that it seems ITV have stopped spending any money after 10pm so the slot isn't that competitive any more,' he said. 'Having said that, we will probably be beaten by a repeat of Ice Truck Drivers Uncovered on Sky4.' There, actually, isn't a Sky4, Graham. But, heh.

Goldie has admitted that he feels bad for Kristina Rihanoff after becoming the first contestant to be voted off Strictly Come Dancing. The DJ, who scored forty six points for his two dances, exited the show on Sunday night, despite finishing well above Paul Daniels, Ann Widdecombe and Peter Shilton on the judges' leader board. Speaking about his departure on spin-off show It Takes Two, he said: 'It's water off a ducks back to me. It's an entertainment show and that's how it is. But I feel really bad for Kristina because what is she going to do now? For me it was a bit of a shocker.' Goldie revealed that he had heard a lot of anger from viewers who thought he would have fared better under the old Strictly system, which featured the bottom two acts performing in a dance-off for the judges. His dance partner Rihanoff agreed, commenting: 'He worked really, really hard, working and training, putting in the hours. He wanted to prove that he was trying his best. I think the show went really well. It's just sad that it's all over, so quickly.' She added: 'It would have been better for us if we had been in a dance-off.'

Martine McCutcheon has revealed that she wants to appear in Desperate Housewives. Well, for that matter yer Keith Telly Topping would really rather like to play rhythm guitar with The Who on their next world tour. But that is somewhat unlikely to happen as well. The former EastEnders actress - seen, looking all hot and sticky, right - said that she is a fan of the American show and thinks that she would fit in with the cast. And, I'm sure lots of other delusional soap wannabes do too. You know, just like Michelle Collins was bragging that she had auditioned and would be getting a part on the show around this time last year? 'I'd love to do Desperate Housewives,' McCutcheon allegedly told the Daily Lies. She added: 'I'm a jobbing actress - I'd do anything I think I'd be good in.' Or, indeed, anything that pays slightly more than Jobseeker's Allowance, I'll wager. McCutcheon also confirmed that she is currently preparing for a musical comeback. 'It's been a while but I'm recording at the moment and next year an album will be ready,' she said. So, that'll be worth looking forward to.

Good old made-as-toast John Hurt has signed up to appear in the BBC's latest adaptation of Whistle And I'll Come To You. The Mirror reports that Hurt has been cast in the forthcoming BBC2 adaptation of the MR James classic chiller. The story focuses on a man who comes across a ghost on a beach and the part that Hurt will be taking was previously played by Michael Horden in Jonathan Miller's 1968 Omnibus adaptation. Hurt revealed that he is 'thrilled' to be working on the programme, adding: 'Particularly as I've never done a ghost story before and I love to have new territory to walk.' Filming for the drama, which will also star Leslie Sharp and Gemma Jones, is expected to begin later this month with a probable broadcast date around Christmas.

In the most unsurprising bit of TV news of the week, if not the entire decade, ITV has ordered a second series of Downton Abbey. The period drama, which was written by Oscar-winner Julian Fellowes, focuses on the Crawley family and the servants working for them. It has been a massive ratings success for ITV. The third episode - which broadcast on Sunday night - picked up overnight ratings of over eight million viewers. ITV has now announced that it has recommissioned the series, which stars Dame Maggie Smith, Hugh Bonneville, Brendan Coyle, Penelope Wilton, Joanne Froggatt and Elizabeth McGovern. ITV's director of drama commissioning Laura Mackie said: 'We're delighted with the audience response to Downton Abbey and the positive critical reaction. We're extremely proud to have commissioned a series which has clearly captivated ITV viewers. Consequently, we're thrilled to be announcing the recommission of a new series for 2011 which will allow us to spend more time with the Crawley family and their servants.'

Bravo has announced that it is currently developing a number of new reality shows following the recent promotion of vice-president of development Eli Lehrer. The first new show, called Dean's List, will focus on Hollywood hair stylist Dean Banowetz as he attends to a number of high-profile clients in his Los Angeles salon. Roble & Co. sees celebrity chef Roble Ali attempting to launch a new catering company in Brooklyn, New York. The cable channel is also developing a show about former Project Runway star Chris March, which will see him creating designer clothing pieces for celebrities ranging from Madonna to Meryl Streep. The final new project is a documentary series called Thicker Than Water, which will follow the lives of a larger than normal family. 'We're specifically developing around our five passion potions; food, fashion, beauty, design, and popular culture,' The Hollywood Reporter quotes Bravo president Francis Berwick as saying. 'We have found that we make our own celebrities.'

Comedy is set to come under even tighter scrutiny at the BBC after new guidelines banning 'derogatory remarks' come into force. The restrictions compiled in the wake of the media furore over Sachsgate and Frankie Boyle's jokes about Rebecca Adlington on Mock The Week are to be introduced next week. The clause most likely to cause headaches for comedians is one, which stages: 'Unduly derogatory remarks aimed at real people (as opposed to fictional characters or historic figures) must not be celebrated for the purposes of entertainment. Care should be taken that such comments and the tone in which they are delivered are proportionate to their target.' So, in other words Mad Frankie's jokes about Kerry Katona's vagina would probably have been okay, but the ones about Rebecca Adlington being 'really dirty' (allegedly) wouldn't have been. Clear as mud, eh? The guidelines, published this week, also urge caution when using stereotypes for comedy, saying: 'We may feature a portrayal or stereotype that has been exaggerated for comic effect, but we must be aware that audiences may find casual or purposeless stereotypes to be offensive.' David Jordan, the director of BBC editorial policy and standards insisted: 'These guidelines can ensure that we continue delivering edgy comedy.' But he added that any jokes must be 'consistent' with the BBC's enduring editorial values. 'We recognise the need for the BBC to be original, surprising and sometimes edgy,' said Sir Michael Lyons, soon-to-be outgoing chairman of the BBC Trust and, seemingly, a completely spineless coward who is petrified of annoying the Daily Scum Mail. 'At the same time it must be fair, accurate, impartial and avoid giving broad offence. The need to get that right lies at the heart of these editorial guidelines – it's always been clear that the public expects the very highest standards from the BBC, and the editorial guidelines are a vital tool in achieving that.' The guidelines are reviewed every five years, but for the first time the BBC Trust has asked licence fee payers for their views. It received more than sixteen hundred responses. The views of the BBC's other forty odd million viewers and listeners, seemingly, were not sought.

Phil Collinson, the producer of Coronation Street, has criticised the use of plot leaks by the media. Viewers of soaps are used to the tabloids releasing details of the soap's plots to come weeks ahead. 'I want people to settle down in front of their telly on 6 December and let us tell them a story they haven't heard told in advance via the media, told in a spectacular yet human way,' Collinson told the Yorkshire Post. 'I hate leaks, and although I've told you a few things to create excitement in advance, there will be utter secrecy from now on because I think the drip, drip of leaks to the press just cheats the viewer. My heart sinks when I open a paper and see the stories.' Filming has already started on the tram-crash in Coronation Street which will mark then soap's fiftieth anniversary. Secrecy surrounds the crash with Collinson keen to keep secret which cast members will survive the devastation and which ones will die the death. ITV have released a few photos of the filming-in--progress of the one million pound stunt, but actors on the soap are only be issued with their own lines and are being kept in the dark by producers over the specific outcome of the storylines in a bid to stem any media leaks.

Louis Walsh has defended his outbursts on The X Factor and Xtra Factor about Cheryl Cole. Walsh criticised his fellow judge during the Saturday night live show, shouting across the judges' table: 'It's not all about you, Cheryl.' He continued his rant on Sunday's Xtra Factor, claiming that his show rival 'always gets all the attention.' Speaking to X magazine about his anger with Cole, the Irish music mogul said: 'She's the nation's sweetheart and I'm not. So, I'm thirty years in this business, I've sold one hundred million records, I know what I'm talking about, I have an opinion, and I'm entitled to speak my mind, you know? I don't care [if I upset her]! I'm not here to keep her happy. It's not my job. I'm fed up listening to her! It's not her show.' Speaking about his criticisms of Cole's act Katie Waissel, he added: 'There's something about Katie I do like, but I just don't think the public get her. That was my problem. There are so many brilliant girls in the show, I don't know how she's going to be better than the other girls. It's my opinion. Simon hired me for my opinion. I'm very honest. What you see is what you get. Be it right or wrong, I don't care. I'm not going to change for Cheryl.' A 'source' who is described as 'close to Walsh' allegedly told the Daily Scum Mail: 'Louis has been bubbling with rage. He thinks Simon Cowell unfairly helps her out - to the extent of picking the songs for her contestants to sing. What really gets Louis's goat is that she does this poor-little-me act but inside there's a heart of stone.'

Claire Rayner has died at the age of seventy nine. The writer, broadcaster and agony aunt failed to recover after undergoing emergency intestinal surgery in May, the Press Association reports. Rayner died on Monday in hospital near her home in Harrow, north-west London. She is survived by her husband of fifty three years Des, her three children and four grandchildren. Des said: 'I have lost my best friend and my soul mate. I am immensely proud of her. Through her own approach to life she enabled people to talk about their problems in a way that was unique. Right up until her death she was being consulted by both politicians and the medical profession about the best way to provide the health services the nation deserved and nothing mattered to her more than that. Her death leaves a vacancy which will not be filled.' Over the weekend, the former nurse and patients' rights campaigner told her family that she wanted her last words to be: 'Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I'll come back and bloody haunt him.' Claire will be given a humanist funeral service for close friends and family only.

John Simpson, the BBC veteran World Affairs editor, this week attacked Mark Thompson for claiming that corporation used to be left-wing, insisting that its news coverage has always been 'straight as a die.' The sixty six-year-old broadcaster criticised his boss, the corporation's current director general, for questioning the independence and impartiality of staff. He also condemned the sacking of former director general, Greg Dyke, as 'an outrage.' Speaking to the Cheltenham Literature Festival, Simpson said: 'I was really cross with Mark Thompson for saying the other day that when he joined the BBC thirty years ago it was very left-wing in its political coverage. Thirty years ago I was the BBC political editor and there was absolutely nothing either left-wing or right-wing about our coverage. We were as straight as a dye then and I think it is absolutely as straight as a dye now. I don't know why Mark said that. Maybe he had some particular people in mind on some of the programmes but in terms of the BBC's core coverage that was not the case and I don't know why he chose to say that.' Simpson went on to criticise the sacking of Dyke in the wake of criticism of the corporation's coverage of how Britain was led into the invasion of Iraq. He said: 'I think Greg Dyke was, by some way, the best director general I have ever served under, with the sole exception way back in the Sixties of Sir Hugh Green who was absolutely magnificent and had to fight almost daily battles against Harold Wilson's desire to change things. I loved old Greg and I still think he is fantastic. He did wonders for the BBC and for the staff image and he should never, never, never have gone. It was an outrage.' Simpson also said that he less confident about the future of the BBC than Mark Thompson. 'They have got an existential problem. We are getting into new ground, new territory, with the BBC. It is an area Mark disagrees strongly with me about. He thinks the BBC's future is much more secure than I believe it to be. The reason why I am worried about it and nervous about it is because politicians of both the main parties have discovered a real weakness of the BBC and that is the licence fee. The act of cutting the licence fee is a political act which increases political control over the lifeblood of the BBC.' He said the way to 'scare' or control the BBC would be to cut the licence fee – or even merely threaten to cut it. Politicians had always complained about the BBC and wanted to find ways of controlling it but even Margaret Thatcher and other recent leaders until Tony Blair had realised that it would not go down well with the public, he said. Now, however, he believed that Government concern for public opinion on the issue had faded, he said. The last Labour government had wanted to take some of the licence money and give it to Channel 4. 'But once the government takes money away from the BBC it ceases to be independent,' he warned. 'It becomes desperate to keep its lifeline. It's like being water-boarded by the CIA. As your head goes down for the fourth or fifth time you are desperate for the air. Who knows, you might do anything then. You might lay off a programme you have made which has irritated the government in power. You might go easy. And that's just the beginning of a slippery slope. The present government contains people who are ideologically opposed to the BBC and don't think it ought to exist or be funded in the way it is.' Simpson ended his talk by appealing to the public to keep a 'weather eye out' for the BBC and for any attack on its independence or finances. Revealing that he has just signed a new three year contract to stay in his job until he is seventy, he said that he was now 'too old to care' about rubbing senior BBC figures up the wrong way and would have his say whether they liked it or not. The BBC was the world's premiere broadcasting organisation, often with an audience of two hundred and fifty million for its programmes worldwide, and poll after poll had found that seventy to seventy five per cent of the British public supported it, he said. 'I am not going to pretend everything is all wonderful because it is not what I am paid to do,' he concluded. 'I am paid to tell the truth.'

A squirrel has made a new home for itself in a pair of Homer Simpson slippers. The creature, named Barney after Homer's alcoholic best friend in the animated sitcom, befriended sixty four-year-old Roger Boughen in his back garden according to reports. Boughen said: 'It came out from the bushes and didn't seem scared at all. As I walked away, it followed me. Every time I stopped, it sat on my foot. I was walking round the garden, hoping to find where it had come from but I could not see anything. It seemed like it was always going for my slippers. I took one off and it went inside. I left if for three hours and it was fast asleep. He's a very tame squirrel and doesn't even seem scared of the local cat.'