Stuff God Hates

“There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you.” Deuteronomy 18:10-12

ALTHOUGH I HAVE TRIED TO WARN YOU PEOPLE not to worship other ‘gods,’ many of you are heathen whores anyway.

No matter how much I promise you the friendly clouds of Heaven, and no matter how much I threaten you with the fiery pits of Hell, some of you people will always end up worshiping nonsense.

It’s a sad fact. Some people will believe anything. Some people are just born stupid.

They get talked into believing a bunch of hogball hooey and flimflarm doody by people who claim they talk to God. Some of these heathens even have the nerve to claim that they are God.

There is only one all-powerful Lord of the Universe and God of all Creation, and that is I! And the only humans I’ve ever talked to are Jesus Christ, Moses, Abraham, and a bunch of other people I can’t remember right now.

Anyway, the point is that all cults are the work of the devil and must be stopped. Cults brainwash people with endless propaganda. They manipulate people into joining by promising them eternal paradise and social acceptance in the group. They scare people with eternal suffering and shun them if they try to leave the cult.

Over the years I have had to fight off and vanquish many cults. They always try to steal my followers, but they never succeed because I am so utterly lovable and worthy of thy praise.

Heaven’s Gate

This cult believed if they killed themselves they would be with the aliens in paradise. They instead found themselves with the demons in hell.

I enjoy a good suicide cult every now and then. They pose no threat and they make me laugh.

Scientologists

Scientology is another minor cult whose beliefs are alien-based. These fervent fools believe that people’s bodies are all filled with the souls of space aliens who were murdered 75 million years ago by an evil galactic ruler named Lord Xenu.

If anyone can think up a crazier line of bullshit than that, I’d like to hear it.

Buddhists

Buddhism is yet another trifling little cult to watch out for. Buddhists are notoriously unpredictable and are liable to light themselves on fire at any moment for no reason at all.

Hindus

Hinduism is a large cult devoted entirely to cow worship. This can be blamed entirely on the existence of evil cows.

Throughout history, charming-but-sinister cows have hypnotized and beguiled gullible peasants into worshipping them. And thus these cows have avoided being eaten and grown in power.

The HIA (Heaven Intelligence Agency) estimates that evil cows now control over 95% of all convenience stores worldwide and are the driving force behind the recent surge in vegetarian activity. It is only a matter of time before cows take over the fast-food hamburger industry as well.

I am doing everything I can to destroy these cows with disease, but it is a tough fight. If you love me, please eat as many burgers and steaks as you can every day.

Rastafarians

This minor cult consists of smelly Jamaicans who do nothing but listen to reggae albums and smoke weed. They also pray to a dead Ethiopian.

Again, a cult this stupid and stoned is not a threat. But smiting them still gives me a good chuckle.

Pastafarians

Pastafarianism is a cult dedicated to the worship of a flying pile of spaghetti and meatballs. These idiots believe that the world was created by an omnipotent ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster.’

If this monster were real, from where does it draw its divine power? And if it created the universe, who created the Flying Spaghetti Monster itself? There are few good answers and even less evidence.

Should people cheat God?  Yet you have cheated me!  “But you ask, ‘What do you mean?  When did we ever cheat you?’  “You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. (Malachi 3:8)

I HAVE ALWAYS LOATHED CHEAPSKATES who never put enough money into the collection plate at church on Sundays. I don’t understand why these people got dressed and went to church in the first place. Do they think I will listen to their prayers after they have refused to tip me?

I give you people everything and I only ask for a measly 10% of all that you earn in return. You are a cheapskate if you give me anything less than that. A great number of cheapskates today give me on average only five to ten dollars per church service, and that’s if I’m lucky.

What Happens to Cheapskates

There are no cheapskates in Heaven. They all go to hell.

If you do not pay me what I am owed, I will strike you down with all of my vengeance. I will smash your face and I will break your legs. I will have you fired and I will destroy your home. I will kill you and your family and then send you all to hell.

I, The Almighty LORD, do not mess around when it comes to collecting on debts.

Why I Need the Money

Why do I need money? Quite frankly, I’m just bad with money. No matter how much I get, I always need more. But that’s not the point. I give you people everything. You people owe me.

Besides, we desperately need billions and billions of dollars to build more and more churches so we can spread the Word of God and collect more and more money. We need to pay our priests and pay-off our choirboys. And we need to waste a small portion of it on places like Africa and Detroit to make us look good.

Tithing Rate Increased

People are so stingy these days that even at a busy Sunday service, I’m lucky if the day’s take clears a lousy thousand bucks. How can I be expected to run a world-wide church on such a pittance?

The sad fact is that tithing funds have been going down with each passing year. I’m afraid the only way to make up for this budgeting shortfall is to significantly raise the tithing rate.

I, The Lord your God, hereby raise the tithing rate from 10% to 25%.

I feel that this is still more than reasonable and should not be a problem for all those who truly love me.

Rewards for all Faithful Givers

Dear mortal, I can make you this promise: If you will give me 25% of all the money you make every year, I will personally answer at least 25% of all your prayers.

In addition, if you act today, I can promise you that you will have it great when you die. I shall personally bless you with a VIP room in Heaven and all the puppies and ice-cream you can handle.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
LOVE ME! I love you. I sacrificed My only son to be brutally raped and crucified just to save you all from eternal damnation. If I hadn’t done that, I would have had to send you all to burn in hell. Only now do you realize just how much I love you.

And yet there are so many of you I do not love. So many of you are faithless cowards. There are so many of you I must destroy.

This work keeps Me quite busy. I have been heavily engaged lately in the ongoing destruction of the satanic city of New Orleans. I FUCKING HATE NEW ORLEANS!

It wasn’t always this way. I used to look upon the city from up on High with fondness. And then in the February of 1996 I went there with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And I saw what a blasphemous sham the city had become!

First of all, I learned you could now just buy beads from anyone to see coed tits. In My Day you made those with love and care at home.

Secondly, both Jesus and The Holy Spirit hooked up and somehow I, The Lord of the Universe, didn’t. The Holy Spirit snagged this one slutty 15-year-old coed, and even Jesus got a hand-job from a tranny. And God Almighty ended up drinking bourbon by himself down on Canal Street.

WELL THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

I decided then and there to obliterate New Orleans forever! I decided to wipe it off the face of My Earth!

I HATE MARDI GRAS! I HATE JAZZ! I HATE CAJUN FOOD! AND I ESPECIALLY HATE THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE! Not because they’re so very black though. Just…because.

New Orleans is a city full of flagrant, in-your-face sinners! I cannot allow such a haven of sin to exist!

I should have succeeded in destroying the city for good when I sent Hurricane Katrina. But Satan intervened to provide aid and weapons to the people there.

I attempted to destroy their football team the Saints. I hate that team. They are a blasphemous bunch of basterd assholes. Not once have they taken the time to honor one actual Saint. Nor have they ever let a real Saint play on their team. Mother Teresa would have been a great place-kicker.

BUT I DIGRESS! Satan stepped in once again to help the damn Saints win the frigging stupid Superbowl.

This is why last week I had the Angelic Special Forces detonate a bomb inside an oil rig in the Gulf Ocean. So that the city of New Orleans would become covered in oil and so that it’s water supply would be poisoned for a thousand generations! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TAKE THAT YOU STUCK-UP BITCHES!

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
BEHOLD! I am the great and sovereign Lord. Dare not to presume to have figured out Me and all of MY ways. I made everything and I control everything. I am doing 10,000 things in Haiti and all around the world at this very moment.

Since last we met, I have smote over 200,000 ugly Haitians (and climbing!) with a few of My Divine Earthquakes, and I must say I’ve never felt better!

There’s just something about slaughtering a whole bunch of Haitians that just makes you feel young again!

I’ve killed old Haitians and young Haitians. I’ve killed Haitian dogs and Haitian cats, and even Haitian parakeets.

I, The Almighty Lord God, have slain every manner of Haitian lifeform, and I’m damn proud of My Work!

THAT’S WHY I SHOULD GET FULL CREDIT FOR THE DESTRUCTION WROUGHT UPON HAITI!

Some “Christians” dare to wonder, how could a benevolent and loving God let tens of thousands of “innocent” people die in an earthquake?

FUCK YOU, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT, WHELP!

Some “Christians” have even had the gall to suggest that it was not I, The Almighty Lord, who authorized the destruction of Haiti by earthquake. They claim that I don’t control the weather, and that I am instead to be found in the help, money, and goodwill flooding into Haiti.

BULLSHIT! There ain’t a disaster in the world that strikes without first getting fucking say-so from Me, THE FUCKING LORD!

This animation of a Haitian boy clearly shows why Haitians are satanic.

And you won’t be finding Me in any of the money or goodwill being sent to Haiti by self-righteous pricks. I’m not part of any of that.

Why would I be? I could have - at any point - stopped the earthquake in Haiti and saved as many Haitian lives as I wanted. But instead I chose not to. I mean, I had a fleeting notion. But then I thought, no, let’s do this thing. The death and the misery of thousands of helpless poor people is just way too funny for Me to pass up.

Why do I hate Haiti? Why not? It’s why they exist. To be hated by Me. Just in case I solve all the other problems in the world and run out of things to hate, I know that I will always have Haiti in My Backpocket, to have and to hate. I will always be able to punish the people of Haiti, and they shall always suffer and writhe in agony, even when everyone else is fine.

I am the Divine Hater, and they are My Haitee.

If you feel guilty for how blessed you are, then go ahead and donate money to help Haiti, if you absolutely must. This will only make it more satisfying a year from now when I smite the country into oblivion yet again.

Tags: God, Haiti

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
THAT’S RIGHT! I HATE YOU! YES, YOU!

This is why I have abandoned you. I don’t love you! I don’t even like you! I hate you!

You have always disappointed Me. You have fallen far short of what I had planned for you.

You know, I didn’t ask to always exist. I didn’t ask to be perfect and all merciful. And I certainly didn’t ask to give life to billions of hopelessly flawed little people like you. It just sort of happened one day.

Do you have any idea how much time and effort I’ve wasted on you? LOTS! You have squandered all the marvelous gifts and abilities I gave you in favor of watching TV, surfing the internet and having sex with yourself.

YOU DAMN WASTREL! I HATE YOU!

I command you to get down on your knees right now and worship Me! DO IT! NOW! Get off your ass and beg Me for mercy! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?!

YOU DIRTY DISOBEDIENT SHIT! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I TELL YOU TO DO!

You don’t even leave Me alone when I abandon you. You’re still up My Ass all the time, telling Me to bless your friends when they sneeze, begging Me for help, even when I have gone out of My Way to make it abundantly clear to you that I hate you.

You have absolutely no respect for boundaries.

I…HAVE HAD…ENOUGH…OF YOU!

Tags: God, Hate, You