Bored Entertainment Media Decides To Go After Ray Liotta With All They've Got
« The nation's celebrity reporters say taking down Liotta, above, will be "a nice, cheap little thrill."
Sports »
Brett Favre's Troubled Past
Though undeniably talented, Brett Favre has made a habit of getting into strange situations. We look at some of his more remarkable exploits. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Tea Party Plans To Recruit More Coloreds This Fall
CARSON CITY, NV—In an effort to promote diversity within their political base, national Tea Party leaders gathered today in Nevada's capital to announce their intention to embrace more coloreds in the lead-up to the 2010 midterm elections.…more»
Infographic »
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Solar Panels Going On White House
President Barack Obama announced that he was putting solar panels on the roof of the White House in order to lead by example in the drive toward renewable energy. Here is a brief history of electricity consumption at the presidential residence.…more»
Local
News in Brief »
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Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant shitty behavior toward others on the shortened days of the fall season, sources reporte...…more»
National News Highlights »
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BLOOMINGTON, MN—Mall of America cop Chuck Roberts is pretty sure all the heavy action is happening in and around the food court, so he might as well eat anyway, as he's no good to the mall hungry.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Bored Entertainment Media Decides To Go After Ray Liotta With All They've Got
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a general feeling of boredom, members of the celebrity news media announced this week that they have decided to put all other stories on hold and use every resource at their disposal to go after veteran film and television actor Ray Liotta.…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
TV Listings »
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Seattle PD
ABC
10 p.m. EDT / 9 p.m. CST
After catching a perp in front of the Space Needle, officers Hale and Niemann talk a jumper down from the top of the Space Needle, thwart a robbery at the original Starbucks, and then respond to a homicide at the Space Needle.
Science & Technology
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Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Advice »
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Ask A Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason
by Chuck Halfhill
Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason, I just got hired at a new job and I want to show I'm a team player. The only problem is my good friend from high school has a wedding coming up, and I...…more»
Letters To The Editor »
- Dear The Onion, A part of me agrees with your stance in favor of the new mall being built off Route 9, but another part of me just can't get behind it. I've sent a letter defending both perspectives so you can decide which one you'd like to print. Lynn Hawthorne, Paloma, CA
Economy
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Microlender Forecloses On Goat
SAN FRANCISCO—Representatives from One World Finance, a U.S.-based microcredit provider, confirmed Monday that they had initiated foreclosure proceedings on a goat in southern India following a borrower's repeated failure to make her $2.20 monthly l...…more»
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Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News
WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of financial- related things have been going on lately.…more»
Stockwatch »
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ADR
Kubota Corporation
$1.44 $41.40 (up 3.6%)
