The Daily Jolly

'Bad news sells' has been the principle of the mainstream press for a couple of centuries. Have you ever noticed that you feel more upbeat if you don't read a newspaper or see the tv news for a week? Disasters, frauds, cutbacks, recessions, unemployment, terrorism, kidnappings, murders and muggings fill the news and produce a general feeling of doom and gloom. I reckon their theory is that by absorbing it, we feel part of a group that is banding together in adversity, to fight against a common enemy, like soldiers in a war.

If this is true (and I suspect that the newspapers will have invested heavily to find out) then there will be a small market indeed for Chalk Enterprises' new endeavour provisionally entitled 'The Daily Jolly' which will report such upbeat things as the success of the London rent a bike scheme, the numerous crime free neighbourhoods where teenagers are doing their homework of an evening rather than prowling the streets hoping to relieve you of your mobile phone and the beautiful colours of autumn visible up and down the country at the moment.

Great State Schools

As I've always said, the comments on this blog are usually better than the original posts and one of them recently made the point that there are excellent state schools out there but I never mention them.

This might well be true so let's do something about it. If you work at one then name it here and say why it deserves to be called great.

Hina Patel

Teenagers these days... they don't know they're born.

Ms Patel had a varied and demanding position at the school, whose motto is Nihil Nisi Bonum which means "only the best will do" (their teacher).

Cue comments about how the two boys will be traumatised etc.

GAP Logo

Gap recently changed its logo in the US at a cost of zillions, only to change it back a week later, after they received lots of criticism via Facebook and Twitter.

This apparently demonstrates the ever increasing power of social media to give a voice to the masses, which will force large companies to become increasingly transparent blah, blah, blah...

But does it really show that, or does it simply demonstrate how a small group of tech savvy people can hijack social media for their own ends? Did the average Gap shopper really care enough to post their criticism on Facebook or was the company just taken for a ride by four college kids from MIT?

Tuition Fees

The argument over tuition fees is very simple. We can either just send the clever kids to Uni like we used to and afford to pay them a grant, so that they leave with very little debt; or we can allow all the duffers to go, in which case we can't afford to subsidise every one of them, so they will have to pay out loads of money, which in many cases will be a millstone round their neck for years afterwards.

There, that's all there is to it.

Tasker Milward School

I love it when some innovative teacher does something very impressive that doesn't have anything to do with National Curriculum targets. This lot are launching their own weather balloon which should hopefully reach 20 odd miles altitude.

Mind you two grand seems quite steep. I'd have been temped to try it on the cheap with a load of hydrogen made in the science lab, a party pack of 500 balloons from Aldi and half a dozen confiscated smartphones for data and photos.

Probably why I'm not allowed to teach any more...

Head bans Fountain Pens

Headmaster Jack Williams of Hillcrest Grammar School in Stockport has banned the use of fountain pens by Year 11 pupils as he claims that the exam boards insist on black ballpoint pen being used for exams, because they scan the papers and send them out to be marked. (Hopefully by people who can speak English). Therefore he reckons that the kids should get used to writing in ballpoint pen.

I'm not so sure about this, as any scanner is perfectly capable of copying black or blue fountain pen ink. Maybe he's just after a bit of publicity for his school.

Anyway, it just goes to show that all in all, you're just another Bic in the wall...

The Apprentice

Which of the hopeless unemployables on the latest series of 'The Apprentice' would you most like to throw off a high building?

A) All of them

B) All of them

Even More Damn Katherine Birbalsingh

Here's the points she made in interview (I've copied them shamelessly from The Telegraph, without any permission)

* Lack of discipline is rife, because staff fear being labelled racist if they attempt to tackle bad behaviour by black pupils.

* Britain's state education system is an "international disgrace" which is incapable of reaching the "absurdly low" target of pupils achieving five grade Cs at GCSE.

* Mixed ability teaching, where bright students are taught alongside the less able, is "insane" because it means no pupils can receive the teaching they require.

* Ofsted's inspection criteria are so skewed and prescriptive, they can lead to great and inspirational teachers being labelled as underperforming.

* The fashion for "group teaching" in some schools prevents teachers setting out classroom desks in traditional rows, forcing them to be arranged in groups so pupils can work in pairs or teams.

* If you did not have chaos in our classrooms then everyone could get five Cs at GCSE. But instead we say 'It's not their fault – they come from a council estate, they're from a single parent family,' or 'They're black.'

I'm rather hoping that she will hurry up and say something that I don't agree with. Maybe she could go back to Marxism or something?

Katherine Birbalsingh Returns

Now she's being allowed back to work on Monday. Hoorah!

By the way, the rumour about her Head, Dr Irene Bishop being an ardent Labour supporter turned out to be true- she'd even appeared on stage once with Tony Blair. (No, not in a pantomime; in a party conference).

Obviously this had nothing to do with the course of action she took.

Four Lions

Saw the film 'Four Lions' last night, which shows how Sheffield has been transformed from the city of male strippers (The Full Monty, 1997) into the city of halfwitted suicide bombers in 2010.

Katherine Birbalsingh

Many thanks to the Head of St Michael and All Angels Church of England Academy (easy for you to say) for providing me with some great material for today's post.

Katherine Birbalsingh who teaches at the school has been sent home after making a speech at the Conservative Conference which slams the state education system. You can watch it here and everything she says is completely true. I feel like she's copied it all from my blog.

There is a Facebook Group here which you can join if you agree with her. (I've no idea whether these groups are effective or not but it's probably better than just shouting at the telly)

I can't confirm the rumour that Dr Irene Bishop, the Head who told her to er... 'work from home', allowed the Labour Party to use her previous school to launch its General Election campaign in 2001.

Michael Gove No Touching

Michael Gove has promised to clarify what exactly teachers can do to restrain violent pupils. The last Government promised to do that as well.

Lots of details need to be made clear eg. what happens if you try to stop a pupil storming out of a classroom and they push you away? What happens if the pupil then attacks you and you get hurt? Will you get suspended whilst an investigation takes place if the pupil makes an allegation after you restrain them? What happens if the Head tells everyone not to attempt to restrain pupils etc etc...

Carolyne Willow of the Childrens Rights Alliance isn't happy but she sounds a bit mad so we won't worry about her.

Pupils Protest Dover

Whilst the Police Inspector just made excuses for these brats who walked out and damaged some of their teachers' cars (no doubt following some new guidelines about non judgemental commenting or something equally mad), at least the Headmaster doesn't mince his words as much. We need to teach children that sometimes you just have to accept a rule that you might not like, otherwise who is ever going to employ them? (In the same way that I had to pay an extortionate amount for a new passport recently, but managed to resist doing any vandalism). In my book, the right of protest extends to sending a polite letter to those in charge.

Thanks to Inspector Gadget for the link and I would like to add that the 43 year old male reported to be hanging around outside the school gates was not me.

Michael Gove Heads New Powers

"Heads will be able to punish pupils in public places, such as in shopping centres" says Education Secretary Michael Gove here. I asked him to promise something like that, so that I would have some amusing material for today's post.

So Michael, what exactly will happen if the group of naughty pupils spitting at people over the balconies in the shopping centre, simply walk away shouting abuse (or give the Head a good kicking for their trouble). What happens to the Head if they decide to restrain one or more of these children and end up rolling round on the ground or lash out when the whole confrontation gets out of hand. Does Headmistress Slim really have the same set of powers as Headmaster Bruiser or will we just pretend that they do?

Wait a minute... we are assuming that Heads would actually want to get involved in disciplining their pupils outside school (although personally I would rather start a fight with a bunch of hoodlums than wander round a shopping centre any day). Would it lead to Heads feeling obliged to sort out shopping mall mischief and as a result finding the perfect excuse never to venture into them. What happens if the Head just chooses to walk on by, ignoring their ill-behaved learners.

Funniest of all, what happens when an enthusiastic Head starts to give hell to a group peeing in the fountain only to discover that they are not in fact pupils from their school?

Charter Schools

If you've got a few minutes, have a read of this article about the Charter Schools in New York. They demonstrate just how much State Education can be improved with the right mindset and without the need for any more money.

Equality Bill

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to Harriett Harman.

Not for lending me a stab vest or teaching me how to get off a driving penalty, but for helping me with a difficult decision. For a while Chalk Enterprises has been considering taking on an employee, but with employment law being such a nightmare for small businesses, I've been weighing up the pros and cons for a while. With the passing of 'Harman's Law' however, I have made up my mind.

The 2010 Equality Bill provides so many opportunities for employees to completely stuff us at no cost whatsoever to themselves that it effectively puts small employers into the same bracket as those who point at aeroplanes and shout in the street, or approach random passers by with assurances that Jesus will save them.

If small businesses are supposed to get us out of recession, then laws like this guarantee a jobless recovery without any doubt.

Benefits, Benefits, Benefits...

A friend of mine received a cheque last week for over a hundred pounds from some sort of Government scheme to enable mothers to eat well whilst pregnant. (There are of course no restrictions on what you actually spend the money on and she is a partner in a well known firm of accountants, so there's taxpayer's money well spent).

Can anybody tell me why on Earth we have been paying people to have children for so many years? We don't exactly have a shortage of people in this country so why don't we offer money to those that choose not to have them instead. Better still why don't we just not pay either group and save a small fortune, which could perhaps be used to fill in the numerous potholes in my road.

56 Sage St

If like me, your memories of computer games involve queuing behind a group of poorly behaved adolescents with a grubby 10 pence piece in your hand, waiting to play Pac Man, then it's time that you saw how things have progressed.

56 Sage Street is a free game from Barclays in which you must attempt to make something of your life despite starting off with nothing at all. To begin with your character has their bag stolen but fortunately the crime is witnessed by the enigmatic Mr C, who is the owner of the vast 56 Sage St trading empire. It turns out that he is dying and is looking for the right person to pass his company on to. Now there's a spot of good news for you!

However it's not in the bag yet and you must prove that you are worthy of this grand inheritance by building up skills and money before taking on a variety of challenges, sent to the mobile phone which is your character's sole remaining possession. It's easy to guide your little person round the dark and eerie city, doing good deeds, looking for work, trying to find somewhere to stay and make useful contacts. You can choose to go it alone or help others on the way to success. The graphics are very good, the game teaches you the value of money, but best of all, it is engaging- which is something that few games seem to manage. There are also links to Facebook and Twitter so that you can show off your progress in the game to your friends. Click on the video below to see the trailer.

Now play the game here

Sponsored Post

For Better or Worse

Those in charge say that kids are getting cleverer as evidenced by constantly improving exam results. Employers and cynics like me say that the average state educated child is less able than they were 25 years ago. (And in my opinion there is even more of a decline at the top end of the state sector).

Why is this?

a) Lack of discipline in schools which prevents any effective teaching

b) Fashionable new teaching methods which have replaced the simple and highly effective:

Teach something and make the kids practice it over and over again.

with:

Group discussions, peer assessment and individualised methods of learning.

I have criticised these silly ideas so many times that I feel I am starting to sound like a stuck record. Maybe I should just give up blogging and stick to working on Chalk Enterprises.

Immigration Cap

Although we are producing ever greater numbers of graduates, businesses are complaining loudly to the Government that the proposed cap on immigration will prevent them recruiting enough highly skilled people. Wasn't the whole point of increasing student numbers to make sure that we did have enough of them?

Presumably we are just churning out an endless stream of 21 year olds with degrees in worthless subjects.

Teflon

I love urban myths or common misconceptions. Here's one that was repeated in yesterday's Times:

"Teflon was one of the many spin-offs from the Space Race"

It was actually invented in 1938. Feel free to impress your friends with that and contribute any others you might know.

Meetings

A few posts ago I claimed that most of the work teachers do is a complete waste of their time. Meetings are a good example.

As a teacher, I used to have to regularly sit through an hour's excruciating tedium as one person after another asked for some minor clarification of a totally unimportant issue, or asked a question that had been answered only 5 minutes previously. Somebody would always be using buzzwords, management speak or stock phrases which meant nothing to me. Somebody else would always raise ludicrous objections to the most obvious of improvements. I would watch the clock hands creep round, trying desperately not to scream with frustration as my life ebbed away and my soul was devoured by the unrelenting mediocrity of it all.

Now that time is money, meetings are short and effective. They are only held when necessary, everyone says what they want, a deal is reached and usually everything is wrapped up in 15 minutes. It's not because we are particularly efficient, we just have better things to do with our time.

Email

I have always stuck to my theory that if something to do with computers isn't obvious then it's probably not worth learning, because if you wait around for a while then someone will come up with a easier way of doing it.

One thing I did take the trouble to find out how to do was the 'out of office' email auto-reply. When my SMT took to emailing staff in the evenings and at weekends with requests for this and that, I naively assumed that nobody in their right mind would bother replying to them, only to discover that many of the staff, especially the younger ones, grumbled but then simply did what they were asked.

This idea that staff should be contactable 24/7 is now becoming increasingly commonplace and it's even more frightening that some people accept it. If you haven't done so already, learn how to use auto-reply before it's too late. (There's always one even if the IT nerd denies it)

Science without the Science

After looking through a popular syllabus for year 7 and 8 Science, one thing struck me as odd.

There did not appear to be any Science in it.

There were endless fun activities where children could 'discover for themselves' although why the teacher doesn't just teach them something and then see if they get it by making them answer some questions, rather than let them waste an hour looking for something that they don't understand is a mystery to me. (It's all very well saying that they are 'doing what a scientist does' but we forget that the scientist spent many years diligently studying science first.)

There were 'investigations' into concepts such as force and pressure, but no recommendation that the pupils should practice calculating them. Come to think of it, there wasn't even a textbook!

There were endless opportunities for 'discussion' 'brainstorming' and 'group work'. However I couldn't see any formulas and definitions to learn or tricky problems to apply them on.

Maybe I'm getting old, but all this is just replacing rigorous science with easy entertainment. It might make the lessons more enjoyable but it certainly isn't going to produce any scientists.

State and Private

There is a huge gulf between the quality of education you get at a private school compared with what you get at the average state school. There are several reasons for this: private schools have more money to spend on each pupil so they can have smaller classes and they often select potential pupils by ability, so they don't have to deal with so many hard-of-thinking. Competitive sports are strongly encouraged and a huge range of after school activities are offered. Parents are also generally more cooperative as they are paying good money for their offspring to attend and on a statistical basis, Harry and Henrietta tend to be better behaved than Lee and Lewis, so less time is wasted dealing with constant low level disruption.

However, here are two additional factors that you must promise me never to mention out loud in the state staffroom...

Firstly their teachers tend on average to be better academically qualified in the subjects they teach than their state counterparts and they haven't all had their heads filled with nonsense on a PGCE course. The standard retort that they wouldn't last five minutes in a tough inner city comp is also true however.

Secondly private schools still teach in a fairly traditional fashion and insist on a high standard of discipline, which funnily enough leads to success, both academically and in employment. In the state sector however, we have embraced every fashion, fad and barking lunacy with an enthusiasm which makes me want to hold my head in my hands and weep tears of despair. (Group work, discussion, peer review, poster making, self expression and varied mediums of learning spring to mind, but these are only the tip of the iceberg). Why not just mix up a random selection of words and invent the next one yourself.

See, I told you not to mention them.

Too Many Special Needs

Well goodness me! Ofsted have finally realised what every decent teacher worked out ten years ago; ie that zillions of kids are being diagnosed as having 'special needs' when in reality they have just never been made to sit still and behave. Stupid lazy parents combined with trendy modern teaching methods that think 'discipline' is a naughty word.

Both the National Union of Teachers and the NASUWT (I still don't know what these letters stand for) have strongly condemned the announcement, which is a bit like the Flat Earth Society telling Columbus that he was delusional.

No link to the Times as they've started to charge, but the Telegraph article's here

Michael Gove

I like the sound of what Education Minister Michael Gove is saying about introducing technical colleges where pupils who aren't academic can go at 14 and learn something that will be of use to them, such as plumbing or plastering rather than History and French. Christine Blower from the National Union of Teachers opposes the plan, which is almost the definition of a good idea.

Gove also says that he wants to get rid of the excessive health and safety as well as the compensation culture that makes teachers reluctant to do anything interesting in case a parent sues the school. He also wants to give boys more opportunity for competition, which everybody knows they thrive on, rather than wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Good on him, but let's see if he actually does any of this. He will really have his work cut and will have to take on the teaching unions, parents and lawyers.

Gareth Malone

I can vividly remember watching the film Dead Poet's Society in about 1989 and deciding that I knew everything there was to know about teaching kids.

It's a popular storyline that has been repeated many times. Somebody with a bit of personality comes into a school and revolutionises things. The other teachers are sceptical but all the pupils love them, with all the fun activities and excitement. The public says "We need more people like him in teaching etc." There don't seem to be any exams in this world.

Enter Gareth Malone, teaching the kids outside, throwing flour bombs and going camping. He doesn't seem to need to fill out long risk assessment forms for any of this and is unaffected by health and safety requirements. The kids don't run away, start fighting or fall over and injure themselves. The head never tells him he can't do anything, or calls him in for a coffeeless interview and the parents never try and sue the school (well none of this happens on camera anyway.

My point is this: it's easy-peasy to come in to a school, be completely wacky, get the kids cheering for you and declare the whole thing a success. Then you can clear off, leaving the regular staff to pick up the pieces and answer questions like "Why can't we climb a tree and play with the chainsaw like we did with Mr Chalk?"

Koran Burning

If you are unable to join Pastor Terry Jones in his Koran Burning event this Saturday, then why not meet up with the crowds heading to a school near you in order to burn a copy of "It's Your Time You're Wasting"

It lights easily and burns with a soft yellowy-blue glow, giving off a pleasant warmth which is just the thing to ward off the mild chill of an early autumn evening.