The Policeman's Blog

Uncorroborated intelligence reaches me from the custody suite in Doncaster that a lady has been conducting a survey amongst the prisoners concerning the anti-crime measure known as smartwater (Slogan:"For as long as it's illegal to actually shoot burglars, you'll have to stick to writing on valuable items with an invisible pen, then hope for the best!!").

Good idea you might think. Who better to ask about a crime prevention measure than the criminals you hope to actually prevent. However, it might surprise you to know that the lady was offering £10.00 gift vouchers to anyone who took the time to complete the survey! As my source says, "I'm surprised they weren't handing themselves in at the front desk." Given South Yorkshire's enthusiasm for Smartwater, I'm just surprised they didn't knock £10.00 off the price of a PND.

I've always been enthusiastic about crime prevention measures of all calibres, less so about things like Smartwater. But don't take my word for it, here's a proper doctor with genuine qualifications who is similarly sceptical.

Although the requirements vary in different forces, it's fair to say that there isn't a fitness test to get into the police here in the UK. Technically, there is a fitness test, but the standards that the applicant has to reach are so low, they really amount to a "health test" rather than a fitness test.

There are a number of reasons for this. The first problem with fitness tests is that they don't discriminate: black, white, chinese or asian people can all fail fitness tests, and I imagine they do at about the same rate (although I admit I haven't any evidence to back this up). Set against this is the problem that in order to meet government targets, individual forces have to recruit disproportionate numbers of people from ethnic minorites, in order have police forces which accurately reflect the ethnicity of the community they work in. So, let's say you have twenty vacancies, 200 white applicants and 10 black applicants and 50% of people always fail the fitness test. That means that even before you start on the cerebral side of the selection process you're down to only five black applicants. Far better to have a fitness test which 90% of people can pass, then whittle down the applicants using other criteria and hit the central government targets.

The second problem with fitness tests is that you can lose a large number of applicants who would make excellent police officers, but for the fact that they can't run after criminals and hang on to them. Much as we would like to deny it, police work is largely about dealing with information: producing reports, using different computer systems, writing clearly and managing a workload. It would be far more useful to have a speed-typing test or a Microsoft Word test than a fitness test.

It was therefore quite a surprise to learn about the fitness standards required to get into the Edmonton Police. Essentially you have to:
1. Do 9 proper pull ups.
2. Do 14 dips (like on Superstars).
3. Do 34 sit-ups in a minute.
4. Do an assault course.
5. Get to around 10 or 11 on the beep test*.

This is quite hard, and to pass you have to do some training. You are never going to have to do nine pull-ups in the course of your duty, but that's not really the point. The point is that in order to pass, you put sufficient effort and practice in that you could do the nine pull-ups required. It doesn't matter if you've been on every course the police have to offer, all the bullshit in the world won't help you: if you can't do nine pull-ups, you're not going to get in.

I did my tests with about six or seven others and two of them were Brits. The Canadians are really into their health and fitness, and they're big strong lads: a good couple of inches taller than us, and a fair bit wider, they made us look a bit scrawny. The tests are all very scientific, but at the same time quite relaxed and informal in a Canadian way with other officers dropping in from time to time, having a read of the newspaper and saying hello. All the results are fed into a computer at the end and you get a kind of fitness rating.

I passed, but not by much.

Next time, "Have you ever had sex outside?", "Do you ever think you're God?" and other odd interview questions.

*The only beep test you have to do is as a warm up (where you have to get to level 8**), but you do some other exercises that are probably the equivalent of 10 or 11 on the beep test.

**I can't remember what the level required here in the UK, but I think it's around 5.4

For those of you still interested, I will be carrying on the blog with a few "Stories Behind The Headlines" featuring the finest nightshift west of Ashby-de-la-Zouch. I'll begin with the first time I ever got in the local paper, under the headline, "Lesbian got six months for punching policeman." An incredible story which contains the familiar phrases:
-"emotions running high"
-"drinking to make herself feel better"
-"became verbally abusive"
See? Reality really is stranger than fiction.

I'll also tell you about what it's like to get into the EPS, a story which will contain the following exchange beween me and an EPS detective during a polygraph test:
Detective:"Have you ever used an assumed name?"
Me:"Oh spoons. I hoped you weren't going to ask me that. I'll get my coat."

For those of you still unaware, I've also written a book called "Wasting Police Time". I hope you all liked the Panorama documentary and that you weren't too disappointed to find out that after writing about being an ordinary copper in a small English town, I actually turned out to be... an ordinary copper in a small English town. Licence Fee payers across the country will no doubt be pleased to hear that I'm not going to make a career of the being on the telly. Burton itself is probably unusual in only one respect: it was policed by some of the finest men and women in the world. The real heroes are still there and I just hope I wasn't too much of a burden.

Next Monday (17th Sept) on BBC1 you can watch a programme about the police. It's going to be called "Wasting Police Time" and it features yours truly being interviewed by the great Jeremy Vine about police-type issues. It promises to be the best police programme for some time (apart from World's Wildest Police Chases, obviously).

Watch the programme and find out all about what it's really like in the police and what I've been up to these past few months. To whet your appetites even more, the programme was partly filmed on location and might feature me driving a police car, speaking with Newtown's criminal underworld and giving my views on stuff. Despite this it should be interesting.

Media people, click the "Media and book enquiries" on the right hand side and speak to my editor, Dan.

Only the other week I went to London and met Charlie Owen, author of Horse's Arse. Nice bloke with a nice suit. Had a couple of pints of IPA with the man too, but didn't want to get completely pissed as I had another meeting later that afternoon.

Some time ago I met the author of "Chase Me Ladies I'm In The Cavalry". He's a funny bloke too and during our lunch (at a fashionable restaurant in London oh yes) he managed to convince me that he knew Shakira and could "fix me up". It turned out he was lying all along and really only knew someone who knew of Shakira. Still, read the blog because it's the funniest thing on the internet.

Also funny is the Framley Examiner. So realistic it would make my mum go, "It's not a very good local newspaper is it?" Family eh? My gran sat through gangster movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels waiting for Hugh Grant to turn up. Turns out she thought she was watching Notting Hill. Where do we get these people?

Finally:
Patient: Doctor, I'm having real trouble with my hearing.
Doctor: Really? What are the symptoms?
Patient: They're those yellow cartoon characters on the telly.

Next week, top news.

These could be the last few posts I do before we get invaded by Russia. If that happens, fear not for I will immediately swap sides, and join the invaders. I'll have you all put up against a wall and shot. Of course, it may take some time as Newtown Police want to run the FSB crime system in parallel with their two exisiting crime systems for a few years after the appointment of a democratically elected government. And you thought I would head for the hills with my gun and be part of the resistance. Ha!

Any suvivors of the immediate purge will be rounded up and have their DNA taken. After all, if you haven't done anything what have you got to worry about comrades? And anyway, resistance will be futile because of the stringent system of gun licensing we have here in the UK. For many years I was convinced that the two individuals who came round to check my house and question me prior to allowing me to keep a shotgun in the house were professional nosey parkers, but now I understand that they are vital in keeping us all safe from counter-revolutionaries.

Long Live The Revolution.

There aren't many things funnier, or more embarrasing, than shooting yourself in the foot (just as long as you don't die or anything). I suppose it is just about possible for a gun to "go off" but generally you do it yourself by mistake, and it's very difficult to blame someone else. Unlike road accidents where you can usually blame the other party.

The DPG officer in question didn't get it quite right though. For top marks he should have:
a) Ensured it was caught on video and subsequently appeared on YouTube
b) Shot himself in front of a classroom full of kids
c) Ensured he shot himself during a lesson on firearm safety.

Much like the unfortunate officer in the clip below:



The audio isn't that good, so you can't hear the officer muttering,"Oh spoons. I appear to have shot myself in the foot." However you can hear him say,"Never play with guns". A lesson learnt, I think we can all agree.

It is of course statistically impossible for a large body of men and women to carry thousands of guns around all the time without some of them occasionally shooting themselves or other people by accident. So perhaps we should take seriously the reservations that Human Rights groups have about untrained police officers carrying Tasers, I mean these firearms officers must get a bit more training than "It goes bang and a bullet comes out of the pointy end." and they can't always get it right, so what chance is there for the rest of us?

Apart from the possibility of killing your intended victim, the main disadvantage with the x26 Taser is that it only has an effective range of about 35 feet. To electrocute people from even further away, you need Taser's latest offering: the XREP.

Met PC Bloggs for lunch last week to discuss forthcoming events. Not quite what long literary lunches should really be though, with only a minimal amount of alcohol being consumed and the bulk of the conversation about "Will they sack you if they find out?"

Bloggs herself is a far more accomplished copper than me and is very nice in real life. Our conversation shows that policing at the bottom is just the same wherever you go and the changes are as much about rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic as addressing the important issues. I can thoroughly recommend the blog and the book should be arriving any day now.