Monty Python

The call comes in of some sort of disorder in progress, so I travel on blue and twos to back up another unit. On arrival outside of the block of flats, a blue cavalier was parked up with the driver being spoken to by officer already at scene. Another officer was speaking to three females on the door step into the block of flats. I joined this group to find out exactly was going on at which point I overheard "He wont leave her alone, he wont go away". I spoke to all three and worked out that he was sat in the cavalier 75yards away. I spoke to Jenny, who was a middle aged female quite plump and in need of a bra!! She wanted him to go away and leave her alone but he kept tipping up causing a scene. I took details found out he had been knocking on the door and shouting for Jenny as she didnt want to continue their relationship.
I went over to speak to him and to advise him to leave the area or he might get arrested, when out stepped a 6ft5ins male in a pink and lilac dress, long straggly hair, with a high pitched put on voice, it wasnt a natural voice.
I gained details and she identified herself as Debbra, advice was given, Debbra wasnt happy and wouldnt drop the situation so I had to resort to threats of arrest to get her to leave.
The problem is, I dont have a problem with people going through a change before the PC nuts out there get all pointy finger at me I treat everyone to their own needs (straight out of a text book), but I kept of thinking of one of my favourite Monty films, Life of Brian and all I could picture and hear was "HES NOT THE MESSIAH HES A VERY NAUGHTY BOY."

Debbra drove off giving me the finger calling me a "BALD CUNT" which I just smiled at, thinking "YEAH COS YOUVE GOT NICE HAIR". Ive got broad shoulders abuse doesnt affect me, Ive been in the job too long and to be honest Ive spent most of my teenage and adult years taking the piss out of people (mostly mates) and having the piss taken back. I just smiled and waved, as I think its rude not to reply to a hand gesture and name calling of that greatness.

I walked to the officer who was speaking to Debbra and without me saying anything she said "THAT SOUNDED LIKE MONTY PYTHON."

We deal with all sorts of people out there on a daily basis some make you smile, some make you shiver and some you just shrug your shoulders. You cant say Police work isnt varied.

Past Future

I sit watching Timecop with JCVD thinking what a cracking system that was invented the ability to go back in time to prevent crime. Think of the murders, rapes, child sex offences that could be stopped.
Actually the biggest thing affecting my area is Facebook and the inability of the fucking retards that use it with no social skills making threats to kill, arson etc etc towards others just because they looked at them funny today or that they are now shagging their ex-partner(s). Or any other reason that these low life, no job, non tax paying, 50ins plasma TV watching dickheads can think of.
They then come to us complaining that other people have also made threats to them and want us to sort it out, even though on another day they would spit on us or call us pigs/gavvers etc etc.

I would go back in time and destroy it, actually no I would make people pay to use it or provide a pay slip to use it!!!

Another idea would be to go in time and sterilise certain branches of the respective family trees, I think I could wipe out most of the crims just by doing this to a few people who have spawned whole generations of scumbag lowlife muppets we are now dealing with.

Oh well back to JCVD saving th world!!

Crime Accounting Bureau

There are so many names for this dept in our forces - basically they are the ones who agree whether we have a sanctioned detection for the government targets.

To be honest I dont give a shite whether I have a sanctioned detection, I just want the right result for both the victim and the criminal.

Theresa MAY wants to make it easier for Police and let us give out more FPNs (fixed penalty notices) for minor crimes and I think we all agree to that.

Our force did this recently -
A shop had someone detained for theft - shoplifting, it was less than £20-00 pounds. They had a bit of previous but nothing for about three years that related to theft. The PC contacted me and I agreed that it would be in the best interest that as the suspect could pay the FPN and it would be quicker and the store manager was happy we would give them an £80-00 ticket as that would be a lot more than what they would get from the court system.
All agreed, ticket given everyone happy???

NO the CAB stated that as the person had a ticket two years ago, that the ticket was invalid and would be void. Therefore the suspect gets nothing and we have to explain to the aggrieved that as the tickets void that no further action would be taken because thats the way it goes!!!

Who cares whether the person has had a ticket before (2yrs ago anyway), and also they stated hope you realise that the file is no classed as an undetected crime and it will go against our figures!!!
I dont f***ing care about the figures we had the baddie that is now getting away with a minor theft and to the shop staff it makes us look like a bunch of twats.

Penpushers, I certainly want to push the pen somewhere!!!!!